RSVP Date

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Hi all,

I'm seeking some advice. My fiancé and I are getting married on Halloween this year. The venue in which we are getting married/having the reception only allows a head count of 110. We've already had our invitations printed with a RSVP date of August 31. This is two full months before our wedding. I've heard a few people say that that RSVP is too early, so now I am second guessing. Our thought process was that the people we are inviting - family, close friends - will respond quickly, but we also wanted to allow enough time so that if people forgot to send them back, they would have enough time to respond and still be at the wedding. We're planning on sending out invitations in June. I have a lot of family and saw it as a way to find out who is coming early enough so I can invite more people should there be room.

Any comments are greatly appreciated.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

Hi all,

I'm seeking some advice. My fiancé and I are getting married on Halloween this year. The venue in which we are getting married/having the reception only allows a head count of 110. We've already had our invitations printed with a RSVP date of August 31. This is two full months before our wedding. I've heard a few people say that that RSVP is too early, so now I am second guessing. Our thought process was that the people we are inviting - family, close friends - will respond quickly, but we also wanted to allow enough time so that if people forgot to send them back, they would have enough time to respond and still be at the wedding. We're planning on sending out invitations in June. I have a lot of family and saw it as a way to find out who is coming early enough so I can invite more people should there be room.

Any comments are greatly appreciated.

Yes, that is way too early. You do not need 2 full months to get in touch with people who have not sent their RSVP back to you. The most you need is maybe a week.

Your RSVP date should be about a week to a week and a half before the final headcount deadline for your venue/caterer.

And sending invitations out in June is way to early as well. You should be sending them out no later then August 31st. That is 2 months prior to your wedding and allows for plenty of time for your guests to respond.

If you have a lot of OOT guests and you didn't send them STDs then I suggest you start spreading the word via relatives when your wedding is so that they have time to get their travel arrangements made if they want to get a jump start on it.

You are definitely jumping the gun here.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Maybe I should clarify. We have a wedding budget of $2,000 and are utilizing the talents of our friends and family to help us. Since our caterer is one of our friends who has offered to do it free of charge, we want to ensure that she has enough time to find the best deals when purchasing/getting the food for our reception. So, we have no deadline from her, but again, I have about 20 first cousins who are on the second tier of invitations, so I would like enough time to invite them and ensure they can come assuming there is space. We aren't doing a traditional wedding, so I'm curious as to the harm done by sending out invitations sooner rather than later?

JoanE2012 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

Maybe I should clarify. We have a wedding budget of $2,000 and are utilizing the talents of our friends and family to help us. Since our caterer is one of our friends who has offered to do it free of charge, we want to ensure that she has enough time to find the best deals when purchasing/getting the food for our reception. So, we have no deadline from her, but again, I have about 20 first cousins who are on the second tier of invitations, so I would like enough time to invite them and ensure they can come assuming there is space. We aren't doing a traditional wedding, so I'm curious as to the harm done by sending out invitations sooner rather than later?

This is incredibly rude. How would you feel if you were not important enough to make the first cut but important enough to be a seat filler if people from the first group declined?

Host the wedding you can afford for the amount of people you want to invite. If that means a smaller wedding, so be it. If you wanted to invite more people, you should've scaled back or considered a midday ceremony with a cake and punch reception.

As for timing, invitations go out 8 weeks before the event with an RSVP date of about 2 weeks before the event.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

No no no! Your RSVP is way too early. Your RSVP should be in October not August. The ladies on the knot say to send your invites 6-8 weeks before the wedding; I've almost always gotten wedding invitations 2-3 months before the wedding. More than 3 months is really not a good idea because your guests may not be able to know if they can come to you wedding that far in advance, or they may forget about it, and then you have to chase down RSVPs.

Also, what you're doing is planning to B list. Make your list, and once invitations go out, that's it. Don't wait for declines in order to invite more people, it's incredibly rude.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

Maybe I should clarify. We have a wedding budget of $2,000 and are utilizing the talents of our friends and family to help us. Since our caterer is one of our friends who has offered to do it free of charge, we want to ensure that she has enough time to find the best deals when purchasing/getting the food for our reception. So, we have no deadline from her, but again, I have about 20 first cousins who are on the second tier of invitations, so I would like enough time to invite them and ensure they can come assuming there is space. We aren't doing a traditional wedding, so I'm curious as to the harm done by sending out invitations sooner rather than later?

So not only are you jumping the gun with your invitations, you are also B-listing? B-listing is rude as hell.

I would talk to your friend who is doing the catering and ask her for a headcount deadline. She can't buy food far in advance because it will go bad. So really she will only need maybe 3 weeks at the most and that is even a lot of time.

It doesn't matter if your wedding is traditional or not. It doesn't change the fact that you are sending out your invites way to early. You have a too early RSVP date. And you are B-listing which is rude.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Alright, I feel greatly attacked. I asked for advice, not judgement. I have high anxiety, so having people tell me I'm wrong when it's "suggestive" to send out invitations 6-8 weeks before a wedding has been stressful. Are there wedding Gods who will strike us for not following the guideline to a tee? I shouldn't get married then, because I've already gone astray. I mean, I've allowed my fiancé to see my wedding gown. Shocking.

As for B-listing, you all don't know my situation or my family life. I have a highly-strung mother who is telling me that most of my family won't attend, period, as well as a grandmother who has told me my cousins don't care about coming anyway. Again, you don't know my family situation, so judging me for having a B-list, is rude of you. There are a lot of people who are important to me that I want at my wedding, which if my cousins don't care about coming - even though I want them there - I'd rather make sure that my friend of three years who actually cares can have a spot over a family member who "has to come."

As for advanced notice, I am sending them out late June/early July, and I live in a tourist town. Most of my family members and friends have to ask for time off well in advance. It's not as easy as saying a month before when you work in retail to ask for time off on a busy holiday. My fiancé's cousins and aunts, without yet receiving an invite - only a phone call from us - have already booked a hotel room. So why can't people plan in advance?

It seems as though being told that "it's your wedding, do it your way" is only okay as long as you follow what everyone says or thinks. I guess I'm sorry I asked for advice. I was looking for someone to tell me that even if it was too early that it wasn't bad because so far, I've really enjoyed planning this wedding and want to keep it that way, instead of getting stressed out from people interjecting their beliefs.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Alright, I feel greatly attacked. I asked for advice, not judgement. I have high anxiety, so having people tell me I'm wrong when it's "suggestive" to send out invitations 6-8 weeks before a wedding has been stressful. Are there wedding Gods who will strike us for not following the guideline to a tee? I shouldn't get married then, because I've already gone astray. I mean, I've allowed my fiancé to see my wedding gown. Shocking.

As for B-listing, you all don't know my situation or my family life. I have a highly-strung mother who is telling me that most of my family won't attend, period, as well as a grandmother who has told me my cousins don't care about coming anyway. Again, you don't know my family situation, so judging me for having a B-list, is rude of you. There are a lot of people who are important to me that I want at my wedding, which if my cousins don't care about coming - even though I want them there - I'd rather make sure that my friend of three years who actually cares can have a spot over a family member who "has to come."

As for advanced notice, I am sending them out late June/early July, and I live in a tourist town. Most of my family members and friends have to ask for time off well in advance. It's not as easy as saying a month before when you work in retail to ask for time off on a busy holiday. My fiancé's cousins and aunts, without yet receiving an invite - only a phone call from us - have already booked a hotel room. So why can't people plan in advance?

It seems as though being told that "it's your wedding, do it your way" is only okay as long as you follow what everyone says or thinks. I guess I'm sorry I asked for advice. I was looking for someone to tell me that even if it was too early that it wasn't bad because so far, I've really enjoyed planning this wedding and want to keep it that way, instead of getting stressed out from people interjecting their beliefs.

You are not being attacked. Being told you are wrong is not the same as being attacked.

As for the suggested timeline. There is a reason why it is suggested and previous posters gave you reasons as to why it should be followed.

No, no wedding God will come down and hit you with a lightening bolt but B-listing is rude no matter what your circumstance is. As for your family, stop listening to them. You know how they are and that they seem like Debbie Downers so I don't even know why you continue to listen to their nonsense. And I will judge you for having a B-list because it is rude. Period. And you only know that your cousins don't care from you grandmother. You should never believe second hand information because it is usually wrong.

The bolded is what STDs are for. It lets people know your wedding date far in advance so that if they need to ask off early or book travel they have plenty of notice but don't have to 100% commit right away.

So you wanted validation. Well we don't validate bad or rude behavior. You asked a question, you got answers. If you choose to not listen to our advice, fine, but if all you wanted was validation then you should just stick to listening to your Debbie Downer Mom and Grandmother and not ask for anymore advice from us because I doubt it will be what you want to hear.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Well, it's been really hard for me to understand what is perfect etiquette, because even on this website - and in the planner I have - I've seen numerous suggestions that say that B-listing isn't bad.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/how-to-make-your-wedding-guest-list.aspx?page=2

As for my family, my cousins have never been a part of my life. My parents are divorced and my father's family never took the time to get to know me. I have my mother telling me they have to be invited, so one day at my grandmother's house - my father's mother - I asked her, point blank, if I should bother to send them invites. She replied as she did. My thought-process was, I'd like to establish a relationship with that side of my family, so I am trying to be nice, which is why they are B-list, so that if there is room, they get an invite and I tried. Maybe that's wrong and maybe that's rude, but to each their own. Also, our coworkers are B-list. They've heard about our wedding, but I'd like to think they understand that our family is more of a priority of being invited to our wedding than they are.

And we never sent out save the dates - we can't afford that. We announced to the people who needed to know via phone call, in person or online. Those who know about our wedding are people we want there, who already know the date, and I'd like to think will not decline.

I said I was being attacked, because of the language. "No no no!" or "rude as hell." Also, how am I wrong? If it's early, how it is wrong?

Maggie0829 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

Well, it's been really hard for me to understand what is perfect etiquette, because even on this website - and in the planner I have - I've seen numerous suggestions that say that B-listing isn't bad.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/how-to-make-your-wedding-guest-list.aspx?page=2

As for my family, my cousins have never been a part of my life. My parents are divorced and my father's family never took the time to get to know me. I have my mother telling me they have to be invited, so one day at my grandmother's house - my father's mother - I asked her, point blank, if I should bother to send them invites. She replied as she did. My thought-process was, I'd like to establish a relationship with that side of my family, so I am trying to be nice, which is why they are B-list, so that if there is room, they get an invite and I tried. Maybe that's wrong and maybe that's rude, but to each their own. Also, our coworkers are B-list. They've heard about our wedding, but I'd like to think they understand that our family is more of a priority of being invited to our wedding than they are.

And we never sent out save the dates - we can't afford that. We announced to the people who needed to know via phone call, in person or online. Those who know about our wedding are people we want there, who already know the date, and I'd like to think will not decline.

I said I was being attacked, because of the language. "No no no!" or "rude as hell." Also, how am I wrong? If it's early, how it is wrong?

I wouldn't follow The Knot's etiquette advice or other wedding sites etiquette advice. They are in the wedding industry and are looking to make money not to make sure you aren't hurting people's feelings. B-listing is rude because people know when they are b-listed. If you have a RSVP date of X and the b-listers get their invite only a week before the RSVP date, they know what is up.

Who is paying for your wedding? If you and your FI are paying for it then you have control over the entire guest list regardless of what your parents say. If you don't want to invite your cousins then don't. Simple as that.

People understand that you cannot invite the whole world to your wedding so if they don't get invited they won't be hurt. But to b-list them it is basically telling them that they weren't good enough to make the first cut but they are good enough to fill in the empty seats.

And STDs don't have to be expensive. Go right on vista print and you can get great deals for simple STDs. But if you spread your date by word of mouth to your VIPs then that is fine. They know the date and are hopefully planning accordingly. Everyone else can just wait until they get their invite 2 months prior to the wedding and then decide if they can or cannot make it.

And telling you "no" or that what you are doing is "rude as hell" is not attacking you. It is commenting on what you are planning on doing. Please note the difference. And again, please re-read previous posters answers to find out why sending invites out so early and asking for RSVPs so early is a bad idea. If you don't want to do that then I will sum it up for you:

If I were to receive an invite 5 months before your wedding I would think you thought that you were the center of the universe and kind of chuckle at your audacity. I would then toss the invite into my random pile of papers and bills where it would sit and probably get forgotten since the wedding is 5 months away and I am too busy wondering what I am going to do for summer vacation to really care. I would then keep shuffling the invite around my desk for the next 4 months because, again, your wedding isn't until October so why would I really need to worry about it. Then in October I would probably find it again and think "oh shit, I forgot all about this, I wonder when the RSVP date is." Only to see that I missed the date by 2 months. I would quickly send in the RSVP with my response. Unless you called me in the first week of September where I would probably respond with "oh sorry I forgot about that invite I received 3 months ago for your October wedding. I will have to get back with you after I check my calendar."

Basically you are setting yourself up for a lot of headache in regards to getting responses from people.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

All I can say is, if people are too lazy to figure out whether or not they are coming to my wedding, regardless of how they plan their year, and I give them months advance notice, then maybe I should reconsider whether or not even I want them at my wedding or want them in my life. For every wedding I have ever been a part of or been invited to, that date goes in my calendar as soon as I receive it, and I make it a priority to be there. Being invited to a wedding, in my opinion, is an honor. It doesn't make me the center of the universe to want to believe that the people I choose to share that day with care about me enough to not shuffle the invite around or to know, regardless of time, that my wedding is something they want to be at.

I won't be posting on these message boards again. I thought this was a supportive and happy community of people, excited about their own weddings and willing to help others. Commenting on what someone is doing is all about how you word it. If you thought I was doing something wrong, then say, "Your approach may not be the best." Telling someone they are "rude as hell" is an attack because of the language.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

All I can say is, if people are too lazy to figure out whether or not they are coming to my wedding, regardless of how they plan their year, and I give them months advance notice, then maybe I should reconsider whether or not even I want them at my wedding or want them in my life. For every wedding I have ever been a part of or been invited to, that date goes in my calendar as soon as I receive it, and I make it a priority to be there. Being invited to a wedding, in my opinion, is an honor. It doesn't make me the center of the universe to want to believe that the people I choose to share that day with care about me enough to not shuffle the invite around or to know, regardless of time, that my wedding is something they want to be at.

I won't be posting on these message boards again. I thought this was a supportive and happy community of people, excited about their own weddings and willing to help others. Commenting on what someone is doing is all about how you word it. If you thought I was doing something wrong, then say, "Your approach may not be the best." Telling someone they are "rude as hell" is an attack because of the language.

I don't think you are getting it. It isn't that people won't want to come to your wedding they just don't consider your wedding the center of their world and that they have to figure out their plans for a one day event so far out. And just because you make weddings a priority doesn't mean everyone does. That doesn't mean that they don't care it is just that when I get invited to something 6 months out I don't really think about it all that much until it gets closer because I have other things going on in my life that are going to happen or occur before the wedding that is 6 months away. I am not a far ahead planner. I don't need 6 months to plan for your wedding. Which is why your invite would get shuffled around because I am busy worrying about other events that are happening sooner. No one will care about your wedding as much as you do. Sorry.

Well don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. You ask for advice and you will get answers that you don't like. Such is life. And for fucks sake telling you that your idea is rude as hell is not an attack. Get over yourself.

ETA: because words are hard

ashleyep · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

Alright, I feel greatly attacked. I asked for advice, not judgement. I have high anxiety, so having people tell me I'm wrong when it's "suggestive" to send out invitations 6-8 weeks before a wedding has been stressful. Are there wedding Gods who will strike us for not following the guideline to a tee? I shouldn't get married then, because I've already gone astray. I mean, I've allowed my fiancé to see my wedding gown. Shocking.

As for B-listing, you all don't know my situation or my family life. I have a highly-strung mother who is telling me that most of my family won't attend, period, as well as a grandmother who has told me my cousins don't care about coming anyway. Again, you don't know my family situation, so judging me for having a B-list, is rude of you. There are a lot of people who are important to me that I want at my wedding, which if my cousins don't care about coming - even though I want them there - I'd rather make sure that my friend of three years who actually cares can have a spot over a family member who "has to come."

As for advanced notice, I am sending them out late June/early July, and I live in a tourist town. Most of my family members and friends have to ask for time off well in advance. It's not as easy as saying a month before when you work in retail to ask for time off on a busy holiday. My fiancé's cousins and aunts, without yet receiving an invite - only a phone call from us - have already booked a hotel room. So why can't people plan in advance?

It seems as though being told that "it's your wedding, do it your way" is only okay as long as you follow what everyone says or thinks. I guess I'm sorry I asked for advice. I was looking for someone to tell me that even if it was too early that it wasn't bad because so far, I've really enjoyed planning this wedding and want to keep it that way, instead of getting stressed out from people interjecting their beliefs.

You can send them out more than 6-8 weeks, but I really, really wouldn't send them more than 3 months out. They'll get lost and people will forget it.

If you want to give them advanced notice, that's what save the dates are for. If you want to save money, send it with paperless post via email fro free. Otherwise, you can send a nice post card to all of your family. My OOT guests have already booked flights and hotels and I'm not sending invites out until the end of May.

And no, I don't know your family situation, but just because people decline doesn't mean you need to add others to replace. FI has major family drama - it looks like his entire mom's side of the family won't be attending - that's 20 or so people. Would I like to know that in advance? Yes. Does FI wish he could invite some more friends if they declined? Yes, but itt would be rude to the people who didn't get invite the first time around. That makes them second tier guests. If they don't attend, then I'll save some money. Cool. If they do, I've budgeted for them to attend, and have already cut others from the guest list to make sure I could host them if they do attend.

JoanE2012 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

Well, it's been really hard for me to understand what is perfect etiquette, because even on this website - and in the planner I have - I've seen numerous suggestions that say that B-listing isn't bad.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-guests/articles/how-to-make-your-wedding-guest-list.aspx?page=2

As for my family, my cousins have never been a part of my life. My parents are divorced and my father's family never took the time to get to know me. I have my mother telling me they have to be invited, so one day at my grandmother's house - my father's mother - I asked her, point blank, if I should bother to send them invites. She replied as she did. My thought-process was, I'd like to establish a relationship with that side of my family, so I am trying to be nice, which is why they are B-list, so that if there is room, they get an invite and I tried. Maybe that's wrong and maybe that's rude, but to each their own. Also, our coworkers are B-list. They've heard about our wedding, but I'd like to think they understand that our family is more of a priority of being invited to our wedding than they are.

And we never sent out save the dates - we can't afford that. We announced to the people who needed to know via phone call, in person or online. Those who know about our wedding are people we want there, who already know the date, and I'd like to think will not decline.

I said I was being attacked, because of the language. "No no no!" or "rude as hell." Also, how am I wrong? If it's early, how it is wrong?

So why exactly do you want to send your invites so early if everyone knows when it is anyway?

I'd also like to know how YOU would feel if you found out you weren't good enough to make the A list but were ok enough to make the shitty second string to fill a seat when one of the A listers couldn't make it.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

violingurl1999 · March 2014

@JoanE2012 I've already stated why I want such an early response. I'm excited for my wedding and to learn who will be coming. I'm also eager to get the guest list finalized.

As for the A-list/B-list… again, I stated above that those on the B-list include cousins, extended family and coworkers. The A-list are people, like our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles (which, mind you, I have 20 people, alone for that) - the B-list invites are NOT people who I don't consider good enough, rather people that I am trying to make room for. Everyone who knows about our wedding is understanding of the fact that it's small, so I'm pretty sure that my coworker, whom I've only known for seven months, isn't going to be upset that I chose to invite my friend of 10 years over her.

And I have been a B-list invite, I've also been an A-list invite. It doesn't matter to me. If I get invited and I can go, I go. I don't care if it was last minute or barely there. Clearly, that person thought enough about me to include me period. I think being invited to a wedding is a honor not a way to get gifts or to invite the masses.

JoanE2012 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

@JoanE2012 I've already stated why I want such an early response. I'm excited for my wedding and to learn who will be coming. I'm also eager to get the guest list finalized.

As for the A-list/B-list… again, I stated above that those on the B-list include cousins, extended family and coworkers. The A-list are people, like our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles (which, mind you, I have 20 people, alone for that) - the B-list invites are NOT people who I don't consider good enough, rather people that I am trying to make room for. Everyone who knows about our wedding is understanding of the fact that it's small, so I'm pretty sure that my coworker, whom I've only known for seven months, isn't going to be upset that I chose to invite my friend of 10 years over her.

And I have been a B-list invite, I've also been an A-list invite. It doesn't matter to me. If I get invited and I can go, I go. I don't care if it was last minute or barely there. Clearly, that person thought enough about me to include me period. I think being invited to a wedding is a honor not a way to get gifts or to invite the masses.

If I were a B list, I'd immediately decline. Sorry, I have more self-worth than to settle for someone's sloppy seconds.

Why didn't you plan a wedding around the guest list and your budget first? Instead, you put the wedding you wanted first and the people came second.

If YOU are paying for the wedding, your mother doesn't get a say in who gets invited. You're an adult, stand up and tell her no.

If you still couldn't stand up to your mother, then you should have invited everyone to begin with. You still could've planned a lovely wedding for $2k just by changing the time of day. There's no excuse.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

This thread had nothing to do with people's opinions on who or how I was inviting guests, but thank you all for your judgmental opinions on someone's special day. What a way to make someone feel great about themselves and their choices for their "big day."

I am paying for the wedding I want to celebrate with the people I want. I spoke with my family again today and they agreed that my approach (for my situation) is a great one. My cousins didn't invite me to their weddings and probably could care less about coming to mine - I, however, wanted to at least be decent enough to have the option for them to come assuming there was space for them. Which, even if I had room for 500 people, I'd still, most likely, have to eventually start figuring out who was invited/who wasn't. (Have any of you watched Father of the Bride?) I didn't plan a wedding around a guest list first, because I planned a wedding around the venue I got and the theme/day/time that my fiancé and I wanted. That was most important to us.

It's not someone's sloppy seconds and not one person whom I've spoken to about this outside of this thread believes so. There's no excuse for any of the assumptions you've all made in regards to an insignificant question of "Hey, did I jump the gun?"

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Also, I never mentioned the time of day I was having my wedding, or the theme, so thank you @JoanE2012 for jumping to the conclusion that those were issues.

AddieCake · March 2014

You need a margarita, OP. Or maybe some waffles. I'm not sure yet.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Waffles sound good. I'd just appreciate people not being so … I don't even have words for it.

whitjoy · March 2014

It is really unfortunate that you are not even open to considering what other posters are saying, people on these boards represent a diverse group of people, so I wouldn't say you are getting an unrealistic response to your original question. Even though you would not be offended getting b-listed to a wedding, not everyone feels that way...and most likely there WILL be guests at your wedding who will be offended too. The reason your thought process on this ("it wouldn't bother me") is flawed is that normal people will NOT TELL YOU that they were hurt by what you did. Yes, they will probably attend..but are you truly alright with the possibility that your guests will silently be feeling crappy? Thinking about that makes me fell it just isn't worth it. Normally people KNOW and UNDERSTAND that not everyone will be invited, and are OK with this possibility. Not getting invited because space is limited is not an insult... B-listing is a blatant insult.

JoanE2012 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

This thread had nothing to do with people's opinions on who or how I was inviting guests, but thank you all for your judgmental opinions on someone's special day. What a way to make someone feel great about themselves and their choices for their "big day."

I am paying for the wedding I want to celebrate with the people I want. I spoke with my family again today and they agreed that my approach (for my situation) is a great one. My cousins didn't invite me to their weddings and probably could care less about coming to mine - I, however, wanted to at least be decent enough to have the option for them to come assuming there was space for them. Which, even if I had room for 500 people, I'd still, most likely, have to eventually start figuring out who was invited/who wasn't. (Have any of you watched Father of the Bride?) I didn't plan a wedding around a guest list first, because I planned a wedding around the venue I got and the theme/day/time that my fiancé and I wanted. That was most important to us.

It's not someone's sloppy seconds and not one person whom I've spoken to about this outside of this thread believes so. There's no excuse for any of the assumptions you've all made in regards to an insignificant question of "Hey, did I jump the gun?"

Wow. A venue is more important than friends and family? Nice. When we planned our wedding, friends and family came first, not the venue choice.

Nevertheless, we told you it was too early to send invitations. We told you it was too early for an RSVP. You even said in your first post people are telling you it's too early for an RSVP. When you send stuff that early, it's OBVIOUS B-listing is going on, and people know that's rude. That's why they're telling you that.

Why did you even post asking for advice? It's obvious you're not going to change your mind and don't care about etiquette. You keep trying to justify your decision. Just send out the invitations early, you obviously don't care, so why the hell would I? Is that what you want to hear?

violingurl1999 · March 2014

The venue is NOT more important than family. Don't put words in my mouth. The cost of the venue was important, which we obtained for $300. All of the other venues in our area were 10x that amount. So, yes, that was a BIG factor in the size of the guest list but not the most important.

And yes, I am trying to justify my choices, because I feel like I need to defend myself. I'm not asking for your approval or your opinion on how I handle who I invite and how I invite, I asked about the date.

I accept the fact that you believe B-listing is rude, but I'm not sending out invites in tiers. I'm writing the invitations all together and sending them out as a whole. I'm "B-listing" a document on my computer in a tiered form of who is most important to be there - aka family and friends. I stated above that my B-list was extended family and coworkers. If you barely knew someone you worked with, would you want to invite them, or would you simply invite them out of obligation?

I'm sorry I even said anything about "inviting more people should there be room." I realized today that I forgot someone in my family on my original list of whom to invite. She's my grandmother's cousin, my oldest living relative - I guess that makes me a horrible person for forgetting, but I realized that she is someone I should have there. So, she's now a priority which means someone has to get cut. Did any of you cut people from your wedding, or did you invite the whole town and go bankrupt getting married?

I'm not listening to people who attack me that don't know me. I naively asked for opinions because I wanted to weigh my options. I do realize my RSVP date is too soon but the invites are already printed, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't need to spend time explaining to people I don't know what I mean because they don't understand what I mean and are jumping to conclusions. I honestly feel like I need to take photos of what I'm doing and show them all to you to prove that I'm not some self-centered jerk who has no care of people's feelings. That's the whole reason I'm trying to oblige to include family, which I guess you're all telling me - "Care about people's feelings but don't invite people that you don't want there because it's your wedding, but invite everyone because if you don't you look like a jerk." No?

whitjoy · March 2014

@violingurl1999
This is confusing. You say you have a computer doc with a b-list, thats totally fine because hopefully nobnody will ever see it. But in your original post you said you would want to invit. more people if there is room, so you can surely understand why there is confusion here.

I dont take issue with you picking the venue first...it is what it is. But your guest list reflects the venue. No one told you to invite everyone.
So, You make a list based on venue capacity. If your venue holds 100, you invite 100. If 100 RSVP yes, then fantastic! If 75 RSVP yes, then fantastic, your done. Unfortunately not everyone can go, it sucks, but that's how it works. Choosing guests can be HARD, FI and I had to make tough cuts and you will probably have to make tough cuts too. But your family and friends will understand.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Ideally, I'd like to invite every single person in my immediate family and my extended family, but that's unrealistic. My mother has 25 first cousins, who each had children and have grandchildren who I love but I would have had to rent out the White House to fit them all… My father has five siblings who respectively had four children each, some of them are married with children. My family can't afford to help us, really, so we're trying to do it on our own.

No, no one will ever see my document, and all of my invitations are going out at once. I'm not B-listing, I'm just trying to invite my family first before friends and coworkers, but trying to figure out how to do that when my family reproduced like rabbits and I still want friends and coworkers there…

I guess my fault is that I want to reach capacity. I want to share my special day with everyone, and if only 75 people RSVP, I guess I thought I'd feel horrible that I spent all of this time worrying about who to invite and only 3/4 of them came. That may not make sense, but I don't want to hurt feelings or cause family-spats so I made a document outlining my immediate family - my aunts and uncles - and then made a second document with all of my cousins as a "B-list" so if I could invite them all, they would be there…

whitjoy · March 2014

@violingurl1999
I completely get it. The thought of only 75 ppl coming when you have worked hard to make sure you can fit 100 is a hard pill to swallow. Especially when you cut people who you would also like to be there. I also feel the tmptation to invite more people when the RSVPs start coming in and you suspect that this will happen. Such is the nature of events where you send invitations. It flat out sucks.

My father has 7 siblings so I sympathize, its particularly tough when you have to invite the significant others of cousins and aunts or uncles (whom you haven't even met). But again, this is how it has to be done.

You could always reevaluate your venue to a less-expensive one, although I also realize you may not have this option.

Grab a glass of wine, sit down with your FI and just make your list the best you ca, and don't look back. It will just cause you stress. Send invites to those you truly would be happy to share your day with (try your best to minimize obligatory invites, again...most people who care about you will understand) and rest easy knowing that the others who love you will be OK with sending you their congratulations from afar.

whitjoy · March 2014

I also could suggest a solution to your original question. Unfortunately your RSVP is quite early and like others have indicated, it may actually hurt you if you are trying to get to capacity. To ensure those who you have invited actually come, you have to make sure responding is as easy as possible and they they don't accidently forget. If your RSVP is a separate card you could just replace those with ones you make yourself.

Vistaprint.com has cheap options for business cards that can double as an RSVP card. You could also design something simple in Microsoft word or PowerPoint and print them on nice paper. If your RSVP information is on your actual invite you could insert a short message in the envelopes letting people know that you have a later RSVP date (no explanation necessary). If they are confused, they can always give you a call for clarification.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Hey, @whitjoy - thank you for hashing it out with me and getting to an answer that I was looking for. I guess I needed the reality check of whomever can come will be there and don't try to fit the world in a bubble. I really appreciate it.

We are ecstatic at our venue. It's part of a community-school that my fiancé's family-friend helped design. We're having an Up themed wedding with lots of balloons and color, also allowing our guests to dress up for Halloween, so the venue was a great fit. It's why we are trying to cut down what could easily be a 300 person guest list to 110.

We live in a tourist town where every other "wedding oriented venue" costs upwards from $2000. We are only paying $300 for both the ceremony and the reception, renting the space for 10 hours. Tables and chairs are provided and our friend who is doing the catering is also supplying dishware.

I'm sorry if I seemed defensive and attacked anyone while ironically complaining I was being attacked. I'm really proud of what we've planned and how we're going about it. The tone of some messages just got to me because my family has a tendency of being blatantly blunt. I was looking for consolation and comfort from strangers because it seemed more possible than from family… so yeah, I kind of set myself up for disaster.

Thank you, though. Seriously. We aren't going to send out more invites than we have or more invites than the space can fit, and we're considering placing a sticky note that says, "Pre-emptive RSVP date, but please, please let us know before October." I'm anal-retentive and had the "if you're early, you're on time; if you're on time, you're late; if you're late, it's unacceptable" quotation ingrained a little too deep. :P

whitjoy · March 2014

Your plans doing great and on the day, you won't even notice if everyone doesn't come. Enjoy

lyndausvi · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

All I can say is, if people are too lazy to figure out whether or not they are coming to my wedding, regardless of how they plan their year, and I give them months advance notice, then maybe I should reconsider whether or not even I want them at my wedding or want them in my life. For every wedding I have ever been a part of or been invited to, that date goes in my calendar as soon as I receive it, and I make it a priority to be there. Being invited to a wedding, in my opinion, is an honor. It doesn't make me the center of the universe to want to believe that the people I choose to share that day with care about me enough to not shuffle the invite around or to know, regardless of time, that my wedding is something they want to be at.

I won't be posting on these message boards again. I thought this was a supportive and happy community of people, excited about their own weddings and willing to help others. Commenting on what someone is doing is all about how you word it. If you thought I was doing something wrong, then say, "Your approach may not be the best." Telling someone they are "rude as hell" is an attack because of the language.

There are some people who have jobs that need a lot of advance time to plan vacations. There are some like my DH's who can only let you know a few weeks out. It's not that he doesn't like you, it's that he has a job doesn't approve vacations more than a few weeks out.

Plus just life in general throws a last minute curve ball. For example, a few years ago in August we invited to an OOT wedding in DECEMBER. They had an RSVP date of Oct 1. We sent it in Yes. 3 weeks later DH lost his job. Between money being tight and job interviews we had to cancel the trip. We still cancelled a month out and the bride was still annoyed with us.

Sometimes you can not predict what is going to happen a few months out. People get sick, jobs or other events get in the way, financial hardships, whatever. It's just life. It doesn't not mean people don't love you.

Having an RSVP date of 3 weeks is a better time for people do really know if they can commit or not to something. Don't take it personally.

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