Wedding Party

BM $ problem

I might have jumped the gun on asking my bridesmaids...but whatever, that's already happened... But since then, one of my BM* has been an issue, she's trying to step on my MOHs duties... (they call me, asking what's going on) and she never follows through on things so I don't really want her involved in the MOH stuff. (she's not an MOH) When I asked her too we had a discussion about BM costs, because she said she couldn't afford much. I said I wouldn't pick a dress more than $200, she said she'd be more comfortable with $150, so I said OK. I get that she doesn't have a lot of money...Anyways, I found a dress for $60, she couldn't be there so I bought her size, she picked it up and it fits, yay! (She hasn't paid me back yet for, she keeps skirting that issue)
I sent an email over a month ago asking about how they felt about getting their makeup done, which I said I really wanted, for $85. Some of them responded, others told me in person, the rest were all in, so I booked the makeup artist for us all and sent them all an email 1.5 weeks ago about that. She just messaged me today, saying she can't pay the $85 for the makeup artist... The $85 + the $60 for the dress isn't even the $150 she OK'd before... (there is no added cost for other items either...I'm OK with them wearing whatever black shoes they have, and doing their own hair, my venue is easily w/in 30 min of her house, etc) And she's got 7 months to come up with the $85... 

*This is the one BM who maybe I shouldn't have asked, we've been friends since kindergarten, and used to always be able to chat back up like no time ever passed, but not since I asked her to be a BM. 

I'm hemorrhaging my own money for this wedding, I can't afford to pay for my BMs, but I don't want to put her in a bad spot either, but given that it's $85 ($145 total) and 7 months I'm really upset that she's putting this on me, inside of scraping up the money.
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Re: BM $ problem

  • I'm not going to rehash our whole conversation but she was very comfortable with $150 at that point, and she had asked previously about what other services/things she should buy or plan for the wedding- she even suggested that the day before we all go get mani/pedi's together. I have also tried to plan lunch, dinner and other activities with her non-wedding related for months, and she's flaked on me 3 times. Once even texting me when I was already on my way to lunch saying she wasn't coming, FB later disclosed she was actually at another friends house at the time. I'm not willing to squash a friendship over $145 but I'm wanting my friend to do what she's already agreed to.
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Oh, look, a bridezilla!

    It's rude and unacceptable for you to make your nearest and dearest friends pay for any hair, makeup, shoes, or jewelry for your wedding. The only acceptable expense if the dress. That's wonderful you found such a good deal on the dress but that is the ONLY thing you can expect your wedding party to pay for. I did my own makeup for my wedding. Did I feel and look great? Yep! Only one of my girls had their hair done professionally. I didn't care who went with me...

    Stop worrying so much about how your "props" look because you're about to lose a friend. It sounds like you're being a pretty crappy friend at the moment and you're too obsessed about the wedding and money to ask your friend how she's doing and what's going on in her life.
  • @mlg78 thanks a bunch for your non-constructive criticisms...
  • These were ALL 'money less' events I invited her too, and she bailed on! I'm not loaded either! I'm saving every penny I've got right now for school bills and the wedding. We typically go for walks for lunch, or make dinner at my house.
  • @chibiyui, sometimes but not always... And if she was really excited about things, never! And she was super excited about our engagement, she would even pester my bf all the time about when it was happening, etc. And whenever I needed her in the past she was always there, and I've always tried to do the same for her.
  • cbabybear said:
    @chibiyui, sometimes but not always... And if she was really excited about things, never! And she was super excited about our engagement, she would even pester my bf all the time about when it was happening, etc. And whenever I needed her in the past she was always there, and I've always tried to do the same for her.
    Is something going on in her life then? (Loss of job, school, relationship, etc?) It sounds like she's stressed about something and avoiding you.
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    Anniversary
  • She's probably turned off by your attitude towards her spending money on the makeup/dress etc… 
  • cbabybear said:
    These were ALL 'money less' events I invited her too, and she bailed on! I'm not loaded either! I'm saving every penny I've got right now for school bills and the wedding. We typically go for walks for lunch, or make dinner at my house.
    cbabybear said:
    @chibiyui, sometimes but not always... And if she was really excited about things, never! And she was super excited about our engagement, she would even pester my bf all the time about when it was happening, etc. And whenever I needed her in the past she was always there, and I've always tried to do the same for her.
    You're really missing the point. She's probably bailing on you not because she doesn't want to spend money at that particular event, but because there's a bigger problem in your friendship. You need to take a step back and see the situation from a non-wedding vantage point.
  • Don't give up on your friendship. The two of you have always been there for each other, so it's worth the extra effort to find out what's going on with your friend. She may just be embarrassed that she doesn't have the money to pay you for the dress or there could be something more serious going on. 
                       
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    cbabybear said:
    These were ALL 'money less' events I invited her too, and she bailed on! I'm not loaded either! I'm saving every penny I've got right now for school bills and the wedding. We typically go for walks for lunch, or make dinner at my house.
    cbabybear said:
    @chibiyui, sometimes but not always... And if she was really excited about things, never! And she was super excited about our engagement, she would even pester my bf all the time about when it was happening, etc. And whenever I needed her in the past she was always there, and I've always tried to do the same for her.
    You're really missing the point. She's probably bailing on you not because she doesn't want to spend money at that particular event, but because there's a bigger problem in your friendship. You need to take a step back and see the situation from a non-wedding vantage point.
    Agreed. This doesn't sound like it actually has anything to do with the wedding. The wedding is simply bringing the already-present issues to the surface.
  • Look I'm trying here, I've tried reaching out to her more times than I can count on my fingers - I can't help fix anything unless she tells me what's up. As far as I'm aware nothing new is going on, she's got a fantastic bf she wants to marry, still working part time, going to school that her family pays for and she lives in their house. I'm upset and befuddled over her rescinding on what she said she was willing to spend.  I can't stay within someone's budget if they don't tell me a straight answer of what their budget is. I'm not the type who wants to push friends over what they're comfortable with, but it's the principle of she said X...now X is not OK. And then not telling me this when I sent the email message over a month ago, but now weeks after I've put the deposit down for the make up artist. 

    Push comes to shove, I'll find a way to make it work, but I'm a hurt that she rescinded, and isn't willing or wanting to find a way in the next 7 months. I wouldn't tell my friends one thing, then take it back later, leaving them with a dilemma.   (barring extraordinary circumstances)
  • I wouldn't pay $85 for make-up either. Doesn't matter whether or not I have the money, that's just not worth it to me to spend it on, and that's the major thing here that you don't seem to understand. I would hesitate to spend that much on clothing that I personally really wanted, much less on something somebody else asked me to do that is not even truly necessary. You can certainly say, "This is the make-up artist, it's $X if you want to book her," but if you're going to require pro make-up, you absolutely need to pay for it. It's not okay to dictate how someone else spends her money on your event.
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  • If you want her to have her makeup professionally done, you should be the one paying for it. Maybe an unexpected expense came up in the last few months and her available funds for your wedding has changed. Try being an understanding friend instead of a bridezilla. 

    My MOH is throwing a bachelorette party for me in July. She emailed my friends in January. One of my friends said she wouldn't be able to swing it. And guess what - I totally understand. I'm not throwing a hissy fit that she can't save up $150 in 6 months. Her finances are none of my business. 
  • She owes you $65 for the dress. That's it. If she wants to have her makeup professionally done, she will. Otherwise, she can just do her own makeup. If you really want it to be professional, then you need to pay for it. 

    Now try to let the money thing go. Let the other wedding stuff go. Give your relationship a little time to reset and then see if she wants to get together for something free and low-key. And don't talk about the wedding.
  • cbabybear said:
    I might have jumped the gun on asking my bridesmaids...but whatever, that's already happened... But since then, one of my BM* has been an issue, she's trying to step on my MOHs duties... (they call me, asking what's going on) and she never follows through on things so I don't really want her involved in the MOH stuff. (she's not an MOH) When I asked her too we had a discussion about BM costs, because she said she couldn't afford much. I said I wouldn't pick a dress more than $200, she said she'd be more comfortable with $150, so I said OK. I get that she doesn't have a lot of money...Anyways, I found a dress for $60, she couldn't be there so I bought her size, she picked it up and it fits, yay! (She hasn't paid me back yet for, she keeps skirting that issue)
    I sent an email over a month ago asking about how they felt about getting their makeup done, which I said I really wanted, for $85. Some of them responded, others told me in person, the rest were all in, so I booked the makeup artist for us all and sent them all an email 1.5 weeks ago about that. She just messaged me today, saying she can't pay the $85 for the makeup artist... The $85 + the $60 for the dress isn't even the $150 she OK'd before... (there is no added cost for other items either...I'm OK with them wearing whatever black shoes they have, and doing their own hair, my venue is easily w/in 30 min of her house, etc) And she's got 7 months to come up with the $85... 

    *This is the one BM who maybe I shouldn't have asked, we've been friends since kindergarten, and used to always be able to chat back up like no time ever passed, but not since I asked her to be a BM. 

    I'm hemorrhaging my own money for this wedding, I can't afford to pay for my BMs, but I don't want to put her in a bad spot either, but given that it's $85 ($145 total) and 7 months I'm really upset that she's putting this on me, inside of scraping up the money.
    Did ALL of them respond with a yes???  If not, you are in the wrong here.  If you want your WP to have their make-up professionally done, then YOU should be paying for this, not them.

    Have you actually tried to have a heart to heart conversation with her about everything?  

     

  • No way in hell would I pay to have my makeup done, especially $85. She gave you a budget for a dress, not makeup. Assuming that she'd be willing to spend her 'savings' from the dress on makeup and being resentful that she is not isn't really helpful: she didn't rescind on anything, far as i can tell.

    Hate to say it, but unless everyone said "Yes, please, put me down for a make-up appointment," you can't expect them to pay for one. Even if you do pay, some people just don't like having their makeup done by other people, so forcing the issue when you have resistance is unkind.

    See if you can cancel the appointment, or if maybe a mom/grandma/sister would like to take it instead.

    The flaking on hanging out is worthy of a gentle heart-to-heart.
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  • $85 seems really high for a per person makeup fee. I wouldn't want to pay that either.
  • OP, you were in the wrong to pressure your bridesmaids to pay $85 for makeup for your wedding, whether they could afford it or not. By saying you "really wanted" it, that's what you did. Now, I don't know what you're looking to get out of this post other than to vent about your friend, but she doesn't owe you for makeup, so if you want to drop her for it (which it looks like you are looking for us to back you up about), just do it, and tell her exactly why. Just don't come crying to us when the rest of your friends drop you as a result.
  • Jeez, people calm down. I get your point.
    No I'm not trying to drop my BM, that's the exact opposite of what I want.  I'm trying to figure out how to handle this.

    No thanks to you guys, I've finally been able to get ahold of her, and come to learn apparently she's not reading my emails or messages about just hanging out. So clearly we have a friendship issue to deal with more importantly- which I don't need your guys help to fix, so please don't comment on that. I've been trying my butt off to hang out with her, it's a two way street though- but I'll keep trying because No I won't ruin a friendship over $85.

    Also just an FYI $85 isn't expensive for make up in my area, it's actually the cheapest make up artist I could find.

    And you know what I find funny, go pick up a magazine, or read other articles - it's pretty damn split down the middle on what Bridesmaids pay for, the general guideline seems to be to talk to your BM's - which I did. If she didn't give me a straight answer I can't help that - and No, I don't coerce my friends into getting what I want, I can't stand people like that.

    I've never seen so many remarks about BM's only buy the dress and show up at the wedding. I've never been that BM or friend at a wedding, and I certainly hope my friends are bigger than that. 

    So don't scream at me that I'm Bridezilla, after I've talked to with BM's (and got their go ahead) about expectations and then once things are in motion they flake out- especially after she had multiple occasions to let me know she wasn't ok with it.

  • @shrekspeare LOL great gif I remember those days with my 4 legged monster child
  • It doesn't matter if it's 'cheap' to you, though. It's clearly not to her, and she doesn't have to pay for it. Let her do her own make-up. I did my own for every wedding I've been in, including my own. And I still looked great in the pictures.
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  • I am paying for all of my BM's and my mom to get their hair and nails done on the day of my wedding. Even though I'm paying for it I still asked all of them if they would want to get it done before I made appointments. My Mom said she would rather not have her nails done. No problem! Not everyone likes to have their hair, nails, or make up done. You shouldn't force someone to do that regardless of the price or who's paying. 
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