Would you go along with this?

nebullama · March 2014

FI and I had a meeting with our pastor yesterday where we began to discuss the ceremony details. He said that because the ceremony is a worship service he asks that guests keep their phones and such put away, and refrain from taking photos. He then went on to say that he puts this off on the bride, and adds a note in the wedding bulletin saying, "the bride asks that guests keep their phones off during the service, no photos, blah blah blah."

On the way home it dawned on me that I don't think I'm okay with that. Plus, I don't see why it's necessary. I feel like the nature of a religious service is reason enough to ask this, without making me sound like some demanding, controlling, crazy person.

Am I wrong in feeling this way? Would you go along with this?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I would not ago along with that, no. If HE wants not phones and photos during the ceremony then he needs to own that decision.

Putting it on you makes YOU look like a bridezilla.

Most people are respectful enough not to take photos during a religious ceremony. If they're not, an announcement probably won't stop them.

monkeysip · March 2014

If the pastor insists on no phones/pictures, then the bulletin should have a note saying that this is CHURCH policy, not that the "Bride insists". I would not be comfortable with someone putting the responsibility on me as if it were my idea.

I agree too that in general, these notes aren't needed. Most people are pretty good about not having phones/cameras out through the ceremony, but there might be a few people who try to take a photo. So if the officiant really feels this is disrespectful to the worship service, then a small note is okay saying that, but again, it should be worded as church policy.

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

No you're not wrong. That's bullshit that it's put on the bride, and I wouldn't go along with it. If this a church rule, than it should say "the church requests..", or "the pastor requests..", or the pastor should make a short announcement before the ceremony.

antoto · March 2014

Yikes! No, I would request that he change that wording. I can't believe he does that!

phira · March 2014

I don't really know how I'd feel about the policy in general, but it would be 100% not okay with me to have the church insist it was MY request. I wouldn't even be okay if we had to say that "the couple" requested it, but JUST me? Even worse.

I'd refuse to go along with this. If he needs to include something in the bulletin, fine, but it needs to be clear that the church is requesting these things. Not you or you+fiance.

dolewhipper · March 2014

My church has a similar requirement. We won't be having a program, so on my website I stated, "The church asks that all cell phones and other electronic devises be turned off or "silent" mode. Additionally, they request that no photos be taken during the service. shannonmaya & Fi will be having the service professionally photographed and will be sharing the photos with all their friends and family."

I would never say this is on me because I enjoy my fair share of horrible iPhone pictures

lookame3639 · March 2014

Nope I would not go along with that. I don't like someone putting words in my mouth...especially something like that. I would ask the minister to please not put "the bride insists" and instead "church policy" or something of that nature. Maybe the minister doesn't want to take responsibility of saying it so he's putting it on you (but why the bride why notthe groom or the couple as a whole...?)

chibiyui · March 2014

Your pastor needs to own up to what he says, and not shift it onto you.

I mean, taking responsibility for what he says is kinda his job.

monkeysip · March 2014

lookame3639 said:

Nope I would not go along with that. I don't like someone putting words in my mouth...especially something like that. I would ask the minister to please not put "the bride insists" and instead "church policy" or something of that nature. Maybe the minister doesn't want to take responsibility of saying it so he's putting it on you (but why the bride why notthe groom or the couple as a whole...?)

It sounds like he thinks brides are normally really demanding, so the wedding guests will just accept this as ONE MORE THING the bride requests because it's "her day". Ugh.

RebeccaB88 · March 2014

Aw, hell no. Uh uh. If the pastor wants to say this, then HE needs to say it. Not shift the blame for his rudeness onto someone else. If he refuses to reword the request, then I'd find another venue. He is being incredibly inappropriate.

nebullama · March 2014

Good, then it's not just me. This is the head pastor at my home church, a man I know well and greatly respect. The no phones thing is understandable, but the make me a bridezilla thing came out of left field. I can't believe he does that either.

@phira I thought the same thing. Why does he need to blame me specifically, rather than us as a couple? That just makes it exponentially worse.

I will definitely talk to him. There must be some wording we can agree on.

phira · March 2014

@nebullama I think it's like @monkeysip said; it plays on the whole OMG BRIDES ARE SO DEMANDING bullshit, where brides are crazypants about having the perfect wedding and grooms don't care and are just supposed to show up and try to say the right name.

nebullama · March 2014

chibiyui said:
Your pastor needs to own up to what he says, and not shift it onto you.

I mean, taking responsibility for what he says is kinda his job.

This is part of what makes this out of character for him, and really tripped me up. He usually doesn't hesitate to take responsibility, especially in matters of church practice.

doeydo · March 2014

phira said:

@nebullama I think it's like @monkeysip said; it plays on the whole OMG BRIDES ARE SO DEMANDING bullshit, where brides are crazypants about having the perfect wedding and grooms don't care and are just supposed to show up and try to say the right name.

LOL, instantly my mind went to that moment on Friends:

phira · March 2014

@doeydo That is EXACTLY what I was thinking of. There's a bit from season 7 where Ross tells that to Chandler, who's feeling left out of wedding planning.

APDSS22 · March 2014

Any chance the pastor was trying to pull one over on you and you just missed the joke at the time? It seems really weird that he'd want to put it all off on you and no, I wouldn't be okay with that. I'd tell him you're more comfortable with the wording "the church/pastor insists..." see what he says.

AddieCake · March 2014

No, I would not go along with that.

anjuli116 · March 2014

I would not appreciate them putting the blame on me. I get the no photos during the service thing. Our priest wants this wording in the program: "Due to the sacred nature of this occasion, flash photography is not permitted during the service. An opportunity for photographs will be provided after the ceremony." I like the first line. I really want to ask him if we can remove that second line, because I think it sounds too much like we're some celebrity couple providing people with the privilege of photgraphing us. I'd like to hope our guests who really care for photos can trust our photgrapher.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

phira said:
I don't really know how I'd feel about the policy in general, but it would be 100% not okay with me to have the church insist it was MY request. I wouldn't even be okay if we had to say that "the couple" requested it, but JUST me? Even worse.

I'd refuse to go along with this. If he needs to include something in the bulletin, fine, but it needs to be clear that the church is requesting these things. Not you or you+fiance.

This. But I'm going to call bullshit on the policy as a whole because if photos aren't allowed because a wedding is a religious ceremony then professional photography should also be banned at this church.

phira · March 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

I don't really know how I'd feel about the policy in general, but it would be 100% not okay with me to have the church insist it was MY request. I wouldn't even be okay if we had to say that "the couple" requested it, but JUST me? Even worse.

I'd refuse to go along with this. If he needs to include something in the bulletin, fine, but it needs to be clear that the church is requesting these things. Not you or you+fiance.
This. But I'm going to call bullshit on the policy as a whole because if photos aren't allowed because a wedding is a religious ceremony then professional photography should also be banned at this church.

Agreed.

The thing is, I have no problem with an unplugged ceremony with a professional photographer if the reason is that the couple is paying out the ass for professional photos and does not want their pros to have to compete with guests during photo opportunities during the ceremony. Or if guests are asked not to take photos during formals (since extra flashes and extra cameras can result in the pro's shots looking funny or people in the photos all looking at different cameras). Like, okay, I get it, I won't take photos, not gonna be upset.

But when people use cutesy signs that are all, "We want you to be fully present!" or stuff like that, I get enormously irritated. I am here to celebrate your wedding with you, yes. I am going to be as gracious and polite as I can be, and chances are, I am really frickin' excited for you. But maybe I just had a stressful mood and I'm also worrying about unpacking and paying for the damage to my rental van because I hit an illegally double-parked moving van. Maybe I had a death in the family recently and I'm having a hard time being 100% happy for you right now because I miss my loved one. Maybe you're having a religious ceremony for a religion I'm not familiar with, and I'm zoning out a bit because I'm bored.

Not taking photos (or not checking my phone to see if there's any news about a sick pet at the vet) will not make me more emotionally or mentally present.

That mess all said, I understand if cell phone use is prohibited in a place of worship. But again, if photography is prohibited (using a camera, not a cell phone) for religious reasons, then ALL photography should be prohibited.

Blue_Bird · March 2014

I would just say, "But Pastor, what of the Ninth Commandment?"

erollis · March 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

I don't really know how I'd feel about the policy in general, but it would be 100% not okay with me to have the church insist it was MY request. I wouldn't even be okay if we had to say that "the couple" requested it, but JUST me? Even worse.

I'd refuse to go along with this. If he needs to include something in the bulletin, fine, but it needs to be clear that the church is requesting these things. Not you or you+fiance.
This. But I'm going to call bullshit on the policy as a whole because if photos aren't allowed because a wedding is a religious ceremony then professional photography should also be banned at this church.

I've written a response 3 times (this is the 4th) and TK/ computer locks up.

I agree. I call BS too on the no photos due to it being a religious service. By that logic or policy anyone who gets married by a clergy person or in a church wouldn't even have professional photos.

What this really comes down to is respect. Guests should respect the religious nature of the ceremony and refrain from taking photo and video (or be very discreet).

Some church's, clergy, and couples will request the photographer stay a certain distance during the ceremony (to respect the religious nature of the service).

Not a single photo (that I know of) was taken during our non-denominational, outdoor ceremony by our guests. Only the two photographers took photos. Our photographer did ask how close they were allowed to get during the ceremony. We told her how close was close enough for us and had no complaints.

To get to the OP, it should be stated in the bulletin that the church or pastor request that no photos be taken by guests. This should not be put off on the bride and/or groom.

grumbledore · March 2014

FI and I had a meeting with our pastor yesterday where we began to discuss the ceremony details. He said that because the ceremony is a worship service he asks that guests keep their phones and such put away, and refrain from taking photos. He then went on to say that he puts this off on the bride, and adds a note in the wedding bulletin saying, "the bride asks that guests keep their phones off during the service, no photos, blah blah blah." On the way home it dawned on me that I don't think I'm okay with that. Plus, I don't see why it's necessary. I feel like the nature of a religious service is reason enough to ask this, without making me sound like some demanding, controlling, crazy person. Am I wrong in feeling this way? Would you go along with this?

I agree. It's his policy, he should own it.

nebullama · March 2014

@erollis Discretion is precisely what he is concerned about. Apparently he has witnessed some grossly indiscreet behavior in the past, both on the part of guests, and really obnoxious professionals. Our photographer is being asked to shoot from the back of the sanctuary, no flash.

I respect that others may disagree, but for me I don't mind the restrictions. However, I will say that most of my family, as well as FI's, have enough experience with church to know what's appropriate and what isn't. I'm not convinced that any note in the bulletin is necessary.

phira · March 2014

nebullama said:

@erollis Discretion is precisely what he is concerned about. Apparently he has witnessed some grossly indiscreet behavior in the past, both on the part of guests, and really obnoxious professionals. Our photographer is being asked to shoot from the back of the sanctuary, no flash. I respect that others may disagree, but for me I don't mind the restrictions. However, I will say that most of my family, as well as FI's, have enough experience with church to know what's appropriate and what isn't. I'm not convinced that any note in the bulletin is necessary.

Yeah, which is one of the reasons why we always say, "Don't assume your guests don't know how to dress/behave appropriately," when people want to put dress codes on invitations, or things like that.

erollis · March 2014

nebullama said:
@erollis Discretion is precisely what he is concerned about. Apparently he has witnessed some grossly indiscreet behavior in the past, both on the part of guests, and really obnoxious professionals. Our photographer is being asked to shoot from the back of the sanctuary, no flash.

I respect that others may disagree, but for me I don't mind the restrictions. However, I will say that most of my family, as well as FI's, have enough experience with church to know what's appropriate and what isn't. I'm not convinced that any note in the bulletin is necessary.

I understand why restrictions are placed and why the couple must inform the photographer (just in case). I don't even have any issues with restrictions placed on professional photographers.

It's good you feel confident your guests will behave appropriately.

Jen4948 · March 2014

I'm okay with a note in the program (if required by the church) or an announcement by the officiant that photography is prohibited except by the professional vendor, but it would not be appropriate to attribute any such request to either or both of the couple-especially when at least one is not making the request.

Also, I agree with PPs that no announcement will stop rude guest photographers from being rude and taking their own photos anyway. (I wish it would though.)

ashley8918 · March 2014

No way! I would have no problem with the policy itself (although, I also wouldn't have a problem with my guests taking photos either), but I don't like people putting words in my mouth. Even if I feel the same way, I don't want people being told that I made this rule. Nope.

grumbledore · March 2014

I got kind of annoyed when our minister told us he doesn't allow any flash photography during the ceremony, but after I thought about it, I kind of like it. That said, he said he was happy to re-pose any photos we want after the ceremony and he never asked us to take the fall for the policy. If he did, I would say no.

abbyj700 · March 2014

It's the church's policy - blaming it on the bride is a no-no.

We're having an unplugged ceremony and yes it was my idea. But my other half agrees. So we aren't stating that I'm a crazy bride who wants no phones - we have on our website and it will be mentioned by the pastor that the service is unplugged but phones are welcome right after.

Would you go along with this?

Re: Would you go along with this?

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