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Wzz · March 2014

i think that it may take some people longer to have the understanding that a transgendered woman has always been a woman and will always be a woman. it is unfair to expect someone new to the OP's information and just accept it as regular, unnecessary information. i personally would have to be in the situation to know how i would feel about it ultimately, and there's almost a 0 chance of that happening so i could only speculate.

maybe using HIV as an example is incorrect - maybe i would use the example of having had a child and given it up for adoption. or being a single parent. or changing your identity to be in a government witness program. i'm reaching with the last one, but the examples i keep coming up with have to do with kids, and not everyone has kids, so these are quite limiting. but anyway...some of these are details about your life that you shouldn't be ashamed of, but there is a stigma and by bringing it up before a 3rd party does will probably not have as negative of an affect as it may have after someone is invested.

the thing is, it makes the person receiving the news look at their own reaction. the OP's response to break it off with rhonda based on being transgendered (if that is actually the case - because he denied it) is the OP's issue, *not* rhonda's, and it's up to the OP to decide when he can accept rhonda as a woman. does it make rhonda less of a woman to rhonda? NO.

"personal preference" could mean a lot of things. perhaps he does have an issue with his own sexuality if he is with someone who was not born with female organs. who knows.

even though it is the OP's issue to deal with, if they don't have the difficult conversation, then nothing is going to change.

PMeg819 · March 2014

I'm on Team NOLA. it absolutely does not matter to me on a day to day basis if someone Identifies as man, woman, whatever. I don't care what genitals they have and what they are attracted to. But being trans* is more than genitals and it to me seems wrong to enter into a relationship without some disclosure. 3 months may not be long, but that is no gauge of the seriousness of a relationship.

You're right in that they don't have to disclose it until they are ready or at all, but there are so many additional things. How do explain medication? If that person was bullied/harassed and has a fear of a place or an item or an individual, how to just write that off? As a partner, how do you support someone and start to develop a trust is they can't say to you why the reason is they do something? Are you all telling me that if your SO came home, taking a new medication you'd just say accept them saying "oh because I need to". Or if your SO said "I hate going to the mall, I get really uncomfortable there" you'd just leave it at that. I'd certainly want to know why DH was afraid of something so maybe we could work on it together or have a plan of avoidance. Or if he was on a medication make a lifestyle change together or help him with him compliance.

And to go with what Barbie said, I want to know a partners sexual status. If a condom breaks and they guy says "you can't get pregnant, trust me" I'm going to think they have a learning problem because they have no idea how babies are made.

NOLABridesmaid · March 2014

Yay, Meg is on my team. I'm always the lone wolf on these kind of subjects. That's ok. I'm used to it.:)

NOLABridesmaid · March 2014

Times like these we need a male perspective on the board.

Poll your men, ladies.:)

ReturnOfKuus · March 2014

I absolutely get why this information might be relevant when it comes to truly knowing your partner, as I said before. What I don't get is (aside from reproduction) trans maybe = dealbreaker, and what I ESPECIALLY don't get is an unexamined trans maybe = dealbreaker in terms of "personal preference."

Really, we do need men for this one. The closest I can think of is how a lot of women think bisexuality in a man = dealbreaker, and how they cite "personal preference" when it really comes down to a combination of thinking man-man is icky and not believing that a man can truly be bisexual.

thejucheidea · March 2014

I'll talk to husband when we get home, but I have a feeling he has the same view that I have. We've talked about transgendered topics a lot since Casey came out to us.

LakeR2014 · March 2014

I'm with NOLA too. I don't care how you associate in your day to day life, or who you're attracted to. However, if I was in a relationship I'd want to know everything about you and think, that being in that relationship, would mean that I get to know everything about you, including your history.

NOLA hit it with the 'Dealbreaker' analogy. Would I be against dating a transgendered person? I don't know, I never have (that I know of). But I'd like to be aware of that before we become intimate/get serious. It may be a dealbreaker for me, but I get to determine that and have a right to.

By three months in my FI and I were living together and discussing marriage. I have no idea where this guy and Rhonda were in their relationship, but if they were as far in as FI and I were I'd feel betrayed and THAT would be my dealbreaker.

NOLABridesmaid · March 2014

I guess, it also boils down to emotional well-being. I would hate for the transgendered person to feel like the man they like might be violent with them or have the chance of the relationship ending ugly when she told. I guess, I would want to have that aspect off of the table by only dating men that were accepting of me.

I guess I would want to lessen that experience for myself as much as possible.

VarunaTT · March 2014

I also think people need to remember that you can ask a question all you like...you are not entitled to any sort of answer. What you chose to do with that fact is on you, but no one has to answer any question for you that they don't want to.

themuffinman16 · March 2014

Transgender people may not be able to have children from gender reassignment surgery. Some transgender people who have had surgery may not be able to have sex from complications or a bad procedure. I agree, to me, that is like not disclosing if you were married before, etc.

But to me, the guy in this situation is disgusting. Who goes off and marries the sister of a girl he was seeing? If someone dated a person, their family should be off limits. That is just too yuck for words. I always think it borders on incest in an indirect way.

edandy · March 2014

Yeah because the first thing a transperson wants to do after probably being traumatized and rejected by freakin' EVERYONE is tell someone they might have a shot with before they prove themselves to be awesome.

That's a very personal and big secret, and not something you would readily tell someone you are dating. I'm sure they would get rejected a lot because of it.

He's an ass, amy is an ass.

kerbohl · March 2014

I'm late on the debate, but I want to get my thoughts in! You guys had some excellent comments so far.
I think Rhonda should tell him before they were intimate, but they hadn't been intimate, so she was not in the wrong at all. She could reveal that when she was good and ready. The fact that her sister then disclosed this information to this fellow . . . is it me, or is that just suspicious? As in, she reveals data that she had no right to reveal, and did it in a way that broke this guy up, who she then started dating? If she hadn't been a jerk, and Rhonda had had the conversation later with this guy (and if he wasn't an asshole), she would have done it in a less abrupt manner, and the chances of them breaking up would have been less. This Amy jumped the gun, and my conspiracy theory self thinks she did it so she could steal her sister's boyfriend. Maybe she has issues with her sister's sexual status and did everything she could to break it up, including stealing the boyfriend permanently.

Vivandiere8 · March 2014

Some of you seem to be forgetting that not everyone believes that someone who believes themselves to be female wile being born a male is one. Wether they are right or you are right isn't the point. If you really feel that person is still male you have a right not to want to date them. They aren't applying for a job that shouldn't discriminate, they are entering into a relationship with you. You are allowed to discriminate when it comes to such things be it race, religion, or gender. Not saying you have a right to hurt them, or not higher them, just that you have a right not to date them. One more important point being missed. A transgender woman can not get pregnant. "Some people" are not open to dating someone who 100% wouldn't, or couldn't have children. They don't want it to get so far as falling in love and then being torn. Now you can argue about wether they should or shouldn't want this, but it's still something very important to people.

thejucheidea · March 2014

Vivandiere8 said:

Some of you seem to be forgetting that not everyone believes that someone who believes themselves to be female wile being born a male is one. Wether they are right or you are right isn't the point. If you really feel that person is still male you have a right not to want to date them. They aren't applying for a job that shouldn't discriminate, they are entering into a relationship with you. You are allowed to discriminate when it comes to such things be it race, religion, or gender. Not saying you have a right to hurt them, or not higher them, just that you have a right not to date them. One more important point being missed. A transgender woman can not get pregnant. "Some people" are not open to dating someone who 100% wouldn't, or couldn't have children. They don't want it to get so far as falling in love and then being torn. Now you can argue about wether they should or shouldn't want this, but it's still something very important to people.

That exact point was actually brought up multiple times in this thread. Just sayin'.

VarunaTT · March 2014

One other thing that was chewing at me about this and I finally identified it: we don't need a male's perspective on this. Not all transgenders are heterosexual. Rhonda could very well have been dating Maria...and the story remain the same.

thejucheidea · March 2014

VarunaTT said:

One other thing that was chewing at me about this and I finally identified it: we don't need a male's perspective on this. Not all transgenders are heterosexual. Rhonda could very well have been dating Maria...and the story remain the same.

True that! As I've said, my bff is a gay transman who is marrying a fellow gay transman. And as you've inferred here, there are a lot of issues between gay/lesbian people and trans* because of the same attitude we see displayed in the Rhonda story. Casey got attitude when he came out as a gay transman because some gay men saw him as a woman because he has a vagina. There was a huge lack of understanding even though they're all lumped under the heading of LGBTQ. He also had the problem that he's considered a 'fetish' because of his 'male' chest but female genitalia.

It's hard out there for trans* people

.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2014

Vivandiere8 said:

Some of you seem to be forgetting that not everyone believes that someone who believes themselves to be female wile being born a male is one. Wether they are right or you are right isn't the point. If you really feel that person is still male you have a right not to want to date them. They aren't applying for a job that shouldn't discriminate, they are entering into a relationship with you. You are allowed to discriminate when it comes to such things be it race, religion, or gender. Not saying you have a right to hurt them, or not higher them, just that you have a right not to date them. One more important point being missed. A transgender woman can not get pregnant. "Some people" are not open to dating someone who 100% wouldn't, or couldn't have children. They don't want it to get so far as falling in love and then being torn. Now you can argue about wether they should or shouldn't want this, but it's still something very important to people.

No one is forgetting this, because not "believing" in transgenderism is bigotry. We already talked about bigotry as a reason to consider this to be a dealbreaker.

Hisprinc3ss · March 2014

Sounds like a very bad situation but nevertheless the deed is done. Married and now with a child on the way!! Disagreements will be disagreements but family is still family and there is none perfect. You shouldn't deny a child from knowing their relatives. You may need them one day. Try to live peaceably with them and let by gone be by gone. You can't change the past, but try to have an optimistic future. Show your child and future children that forgiveness is stronger than animosity!

ReturnOfKuus · March 2014

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