So tired of being asked about babies.

Re: So tired of being asked about babies.

• pinkcow13 member

  

  March 2014

  I feel your pain. A couple of years ago at Christmas (before I was even engaged), my cousins asked if I was having kids anytime soon since I wasn't "getting any younger" (I was 27 at the time). I told them that Kids were the last thing on my mind as I wanted to focus on getting my Master's, work, and getting married first. Then I said something along the lines of, "Plus I don't even know if I even really want kids." My mom calls me a few days later asking if I said that because I found out that I couldn't have kids. SMH. FI's mom keeps talking about wanting grandchildren, and people ask if we'll be having kids after we get married. It is all just so annoying, especially when I say that I don't think I want kids and I get the "But Whyyyyyy!" Um I didn't ask you why you wanted kids in the first place, so don't ask me why I don't want them! 

                               

  

  
  

   

  Report1 Reply
• tammym1001 member

  

  March 2014

  Most annoying thing in the world. I feel your pain. FI is 53 and I am 35. I have never wanted children and he is well past the age of wanting anymore. I had two people tell me last week that they heard I was pregnant. Apparently people were saying that because we are getting married in two months and I haven't been out drinking and partying with them lately. I guess nobody ever thought about the fact that, you know, I might be busy planning my wedding. 

  
  

  When people ask me why I don't want children I have no problem asking them why they would ever want them.

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• edandy member

  

  March 2014

  My SIL is 30 and it took her forever to find a doctor that would tie her tubes since she didn't have any kids. Why do people think they know what you want better than yourself? If a lady doesn't want kids, oh well it's her business! We don't need to increase the population anyway, like damn. 

  Report2 Reply
• sarahufl member

  

  March 2014

  I can't fathom why people think it is their business to ask this. A lot of people don't want them, can't have them, etc. You shouldn't have to explain your choices.
  
  
  

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  March 2014

  tammym1001 said:

  Most annoying thing in the world. I feel your pain. FI is 53 and I am 35. I have never wanted children and he is well past the age of wanting anymore. I had two people tell me last week that they heard I was pregnant. Apparently people were saying that because we are getting married in two months and I haven't been out drinking and partying with them lately. I guess nobody ever thought about the fact that, you know, I might be busy planning my wedding. 

  
  

  When people ask me why I don't want children I have no problem asking them why they would ever want them.

  
  That is seriously crazy!

  Report1 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  March 2014

  edandy said:

  My SIL is 30 and it took her forever to find a doctor that would tie her tubes since she didn't have any kids. Why do people think they know what you want better than yourself? If a lady doesn't want kids, oh well it's her business! We don't need to increase the population anyway, like damn. 

  I was telling FI this the other day. I've heard it's impossible to find a doctor that will perform a tubal ligation on a women in her 30s. Ridiculous! 

  Report0 Reply
• mbross3 member

  

  March 2014

  I HATE THAT!! I'm not even engaged (been with BF for a couple years). I am in my mid 20's and he is in his early/mid 30s and ever since we started dating people keep asking us if we're getting married soon so we can start having kids. Apparently since BF is 34 everyone thinks he needs/wants to get married NOW and start making babies asap. 

  
  

  Neither of us wants children, but for some reason people keep brushing that off with "oh you'll change your mind once he proposes!". Umm. no. We're both adults, we know what we want and the most important thing is that we can communicate and are on the same page on that. 

  
  

  Also BFs mom is about to be a great grandmother, yep, GREAT grandmother, so BF's sisters are all over the making grand babies duty. 

  
  

  I just never understand why people think it's ok to question someone's decision regarding children. 

  Report1 Reply
• mcgarci2 member

  

  March 2014

  I have my parents and future in laws asking when we want to have kids also, but I always tell them much later down the line if ever.  I'm still, in my opinion, way too young for children.  I'm 23, yet I constantly have people asking me how many kids I have without considering the fact that I may not have any.

  
  

  I have an extreme urge to smack my head against pavement when I hear friends of mine telling me that they want to have kids within the next year because they don't want to be "old moms."

  
  

  Mind you, one of them just got knocked up and is gushing about how she has wanted a baby for a "loooooong time."  Um are you even done growing up yourself?  You just told me how hard it is to make the rent in your new apartment, but hey let's pop out a kid before we stabilize ourselves!

  
  

  Another friend wants to have a baby with a guy she dated for about 5 years, broke up with for a year, and is now living with again after a couple months and isn't exactly sure if they are even back together.  Hey, let's have a kid because I'm getting too old to be waiting for you to marry me.

  
  

  If people want to have kids right away fine, but I just have the mindset that I want to be stable and be able to accomplish things before I even consider that.

  }

  Report4 Reply
• climbingsingle member

  

  March 2014

  Ugh, I've totally had someone say the "old mom" thing to me. "You don't want to be an old mom!" "I really want to have my kids while I'm young" - said to me by a 26 year old. Bitch, I'm 33, not 93! 

  Report15 Reply
• abbyj700 member

  

  March 2014

  FEEL YOUR PAIN!

  
  

  Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean it's because we want kids. And the sheer look of disappointment and the conversations that follow when I say "well, we really don't think we'd like any children" are horrible. My favorite is that people comment "oh you'll change your mind" or "is this because you're so career focused?" No...a woman doesn't have to be obsessed with kids or career. She can have a nice job and enjoy not having kids without being obsessed with either. 

  Report5 Reply
• ShallowSeas member

  

  March 2014

  FI and I have been asked about having children since we became engaged in December. For Christmas, his parents bought their "future grandchild" a rocking horse...
  
  Can we please just get through this wedding first, enjoy being married, and THEN possibly discuss children!?
  

  

  

   

  Report0 Reply
• Sonietsjka member

  

  March 2014

  So happy to read this ladies! Well, of course not that you (and me) get bugged with this, but it's sooo nice to hear from people who understand it!

  
  

  I'm 31, FI is 34, we're getting married next year, and so many people just assume that we will have children. The remarks that I hate the most:

  "just wait until you're older, then you'll think differently". (It really bugs me that they don't take me and my opinion serious. If I'd have said I can't wait to have babies, no one would have said that!) and,
  

  "You might not like other people's children, but when you'll hold your own child, you'll love it immediately." Kind of a big risk to take, don't you think? It's not a dog that you can return to the shelter if you don't like it (not that I would ever do that, but still).

  
  

  Thankfully we live overseas, in South Sudan, which is a really shitty country, and REALLY not the place where (as a westerner) you'd want to have a child. People now just assume that the situation is not right, which buys time. 

  
  

  I just hate the fact how children change my beautiful, brilliant, incredibly great girlfriends into imbeciles; one of my friends is pregnant and doesn't want to eat lettuce in a restaurant anymore. Mind you, she lives in the Netherlands, where the tap water is the cleanest you get in the world. She also doesn't want to travel abroad anymore after 24 weeks, because what if she goes into early labour? I understand that going to Niger or Afghanistan might be a stretch, but bloody hell, there are great hospitals in the UK and Germany and tons of other countries as well!

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• raeah219 member

  

  March 2014

  I understand where you're coming from. I hate that you have to keep having these uncomfortable conversations. Try to keep in mind that people arent trying to be mean. They really probably dont even care if you have kids or not, its just unfortunately a conversation starter for a lot of people. 

  Report1 Reply
• Marzipan13 member

  

  March 2014

  I definitely want children, someday (ideally, like, at least 5 years from now), but FMIL won't shut up about children.  She hints at it every change she gets, including the following!!:

  
  -Christmas Day dinner ("Christmas is so fun when you have children")
  -Visiting our church for the first time ("Will you get your kids baptized here?")
  -Talking about childhood illnesses ("FI had mumps when he was younger.  Mumps could make you sterile, but I think he's okay!")

  -Our Christmas card, which had a picture on the front of a woman & man holding a child's hands as they walked through the snow
  -When she was tipsy at her niece's bridal shower ("We had a hard time conceiving ______, but FI was no problem once I started doing X, Y, and Z...")
  -At dinner with my parents, FI & I, when I smiled at the toddler who was looking at me ("WOW, you must really want kids, don't you?!")

  -Any regular old visit, really, the convo gets steered towards kids

  
  I've always heard the MIL jokes, but really?  Your son and I will decide when to make that happen - you can stay out of my vag in the meantime.  

  

  
  

  Report1 Reply
• daria24 member

  

  March 2014

  We aren't having kids (I'm 31, H is 40). Thankfully my family has known for more than a decade that my womb will always be vacant and accepts that as truth.  H's family never brings it up.

  
  

  When people I barely know start in with those questions I tend to be extremely blunt. "We're not having kids. Children are evil." Or "My uterus is not a topic up for discussion. 

  

  Report6 Reply
• Ven&Radio member

  

  March 2014

  I can't ever remember a time in my life when I wanted children.  In my entire extended family, I'm the only member of my generation.  I have 4 aunts and uncles who never married or reproduced.  I've been very clear with our families that I have no intention of having children.  I think they've mostly gotten the hint - I don't get questions/pressure very often.
  
  Regarding the "oh, but you'll love your own child" mentality -- I personally know someone who has had a bad relationship with her oldest child from day one. 
  

  Report0 Reply
• lkristenj member

  

  March 2014

  My friend is (very newly) pregnant. It is all she talks about. If she wants to eat something it's because the baby wants it. If something stinks, instead of tolerating it like a normal human, she says that her pregnancy is making it intolerable and she throws a fit. If she has a headache, it's the baby. If she's tired, it's the baby. If she has to pee, it's the baby. When I invite her and her husband places, she'll say "the three of us" will be there. I understand the hormonal and physical changes are very drastic, but good Lord, woman! You're 8 weeks! Everything is about the baby always 100% of the time. It's like now she doesn't even have her own feelings, like she's being manipulated by some puppet in her womb.

  She also feels the need to tell me all the things I have to look forward to. I'm getting married in November and while my Fi and I do definitely want kids, we want to enjoy being married for at least a year and likely two before we consider children. I'm 26 now and I'll be 27 when I get married. I do not feel the need to get pregnant as soon as I get married. Yet, somehow, this is what everyone assumes, including my friend. I feel like when she talks to me, not only is she complaining about her pregnancy, she's telling me how to react to my own inevitable pregnancy. Yes, I understand that morning sickness is horrible, but that doesn't mean I'll experience it exactly like you when I have kids in 2+ years. She's giving Fi advice such as "My H said this horrible thing about my pregnancy last night. Don't ever say that to lkristenj when she's pregnant". It's just frustrating. All I can hope is that I don't seem to have my mind stolen from me the instant I learn I'm pregnant, whenever that may be. I don't want to be like her.

  I already know I'm going to get the baby pressure from Fi's mom and my grandmothers. But, at least they have the decency to wait until after I'm married.

  

  

  "They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, 'Search for Paradise.' " - Kiba, Wolf's Rain

  Report1 Reply
• Sonietsjka member

  

  March 2014

  Ven&Radio said:

  I can't ever remember a time in my life when I wanted children.  In my entire extended family, I'm the only member of my generation.  I have 4 aunts and uncles who never married or reproduced.  I've been very clear with our families that I have no intention of having children.  I think they've mostly gotten the hint - I don't get questions/pressure very often.
  
  Regarding the "oh, but you'll love your own child" mentality -- I personally know someone who has had a bad relationship with her oldest child from day one. 
  

  Wow, she had a bad relationship with her child from day one AND chose to have more? I'm not sure what to even call that. Brave? Shocking? Stupid?

  Report0 Reply
• Inkdancer member

  

  March 2014

  This hurts my heart. I am tired of people asking for the opposite reason... we already know about our fertility issues and it's really none of anybody's business. Asking me "so when are you going to have kids" is like asking "so when are you going to get that miracle".
  
  But for you not to want kids... "I don't want them" is a good enough reason! I don't understand why people think that you owe it to your parents, or society, or anyone. You don't.
  

  

  

  Report8 Reply
• singinchick13 member

  

  March 2014

  I do have to say I understand the 'not flying past 24 weeks' thing, because premature labor is possible and if she's on a plane, there's really not much to be done about it. The lettuce thing is pretty extreme, but some people are super cautious about EVERYthing, which I have to admit is better than some people I know who decidedly smoked throughout their entire pregnancies, and still smoke indoors once baby came home. I'm a minority in this thread, though...I know people who have had several miscarriages, given birth over eight weeks early, and had an extremely high-risk pregnancy myself and DS undergoing major surgery at 10 days old. Things like this can make anyone paranoid!

  Report0 Reply
• Cookie Pusher member

  

  March 2014

  Ugh, I hate being asked about kids. I get a lot of people assuming I want lots of kids because I'm from a big family (I'm one of 6, my mother is one of 12!). Nope. I have never in my life wanted kids. When I was in my early 20s, everyone said I would change my mind when I hit 30. When I turned 30, nothing changed. My biological clock didn't suddenly start ticking out of control. While FI and I are open to the possibility of adopting someday, we're both on the same page about enjoying our home life as it is - just the 2 of us. We take in the occasional "stray" (friends who need a place to crash short- or long-term), but we have a lifestyle that isn't conducive to having children. Neither of us makes enough money to support a stay-at-home spouse AND a child/children, nor are either of us willing to sacrifice our careers (we each have full-time jobs, part-time we-do-it-because-we-love-it jobs, and own a small business that involves lots of weekend traveling to trade shows/events). Why people feel the need to judge that, I don't know.

  What bothers me the most is when people tell me, despite the fact that I have zero desire to spawn, that I should have one anyway because my feelings will change once I have a child. Umm... and what if it doesn't? I can't exactly return it to the baby store, ya know? My mother never wanted to have children, but was pressured into it by her husbands. She has less of a maternal/nurturing instinct than I do, and has made it abundantly clear that, if she had the chance to do it all over again, wouldn't have had children at all. She does not love any of us in the unconditional way that we're told parents are supposed to love their children. She raised us out of obligation, and has made sure we all know how much she resents our existence. I am not willing to take the risk of being like her just to satisfy everyone else's desire for me to procreate!

  ~*~*~*~*~

  
  

  Report3 Reply
• Chipmunk415 member

  

  March 2014

  Ugh. DH and I went to a bday party last saturday. It happened to be 2 weeks since we got married. Bday boy congratulated us, then asked if I was glowing for a particular reason, aka, baby. I stopped with the whiskey bottle half way to my cup of soda, looked at him, and said "no, this is happy newlywed glow. Babies can wait." before pouring myself a generous amount of booze. He backpedaled by saying another friend of his got married recently, and they moved up the wedding due to the bride being pregnant.

  Yeah. I'm 27 (DH is 32), and we totally spent a year planning a beautiful wedding so we could time everything to get hitched because I'm pregnant. Derp moment.

  I've started getting some inquiries from my SMIL. She doesn't seem to realize that we want to WAIT, enjoy being married, and be financially responsible about supporting a kid- I think she wants us to reproduce so she has another pet to spoil (3 dogs, all her babies). Only thing making me want to have a child in the next few years is wanting my Dad to meet his grandchild(ren) by me (has 2 granddaughters by older half sister), and he's not in the best of health, but that's no reason to go and have a baby.

  Report1 Reply
• abbyj700 member

  

  March 2014

  WAit...@chipmunk415 - you're not pregnant yet? Chop, chop sister.

  
  

  :-)

  Report6 Reply
• grumbledore member

  

  March 2014

  I have the opposite problem - I am literally counting the days to our wedding because we want to start trying literally right away (we just wanted to be married first for personal reasons) - like I think I might burst into tears on the day of just because of that.  My DD from my first marriage is turning 10 next month and for the past two years I've been dying to have more kids.  

  
  

  NO ONE EVER ASKS.  FI's family pesters his cousin who is super flaky and not even close to getting married and his GF all the time about kids (meanwhile they were literally living in his childhood bedroom until a few weeks ago) and they never ever ever ever ask us.

  
  

  It actually really bothers me, but it's hardly something I can complain about.

  
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• Ven&Radio member

  

  March 2014

  Sonietsjka said:

  Ven&Radio said:

  I can't ever remember a time in my life when I wanted children.  In my entire extended family, I'm the only member of my generation.  I have 4 aunts and uncles who never married or reproduced.  I've been very clear with our families that I have no intention of having children.  I think they've mostly gotten the hint - I don't get questions/pressure very often.
  
  Regarding the "oh, but you'll love your own child" mentality -- I personally know someone who has had a bad relationship with her oldest child from day one. 
  

  Wow, she had a bad relationship with her child from day one AND chose to have more? I'm not sure what to even call that. Brave? Shocking? Stupid?

  Yeah, I don't know.  This woman is generally very intelligent, but I just don't understand her personal life very well.  She doesn't have the same problem with her younger child, though.
  
  I have a frient who is currently pregnant, who told me that getting pregnant at 35 or over (she's 35 now) is more likely to have complications.  I found this kind of surprising.  To me, mid-30s seems like the right time to have kids if you're going to.  That way you have time to develop a career and put away money so you can afford to have children and hopefully contribute to their education one day.
  

  Report0 Reply
• debbeau member

  

  March 2014

  When I was in my early 30s I was alway asked when we were going to have kids, in the mid 30s all of the warnings about complications if we don't start soon and when I got pregnant at 40 (planned) the same people said don't you worry about being to old to raise a child!

  Report1 Reply
• BassetHound1232 member

  

  March 2014

  OMG! I totally understand. As soon as I got engaged (I am 22) every keeps asking so when are you going to have kids. It's so annoying. My Fiance is 25 so I know it will be in a couple years but dang. People act like as soon as you get married to get a baby in the oven and not enjoy your time together. We want to travel and spend some alone time together before we have to take care of another human! 

  Report0 Reply
• Chipmunk415 member

  

  March 2014

  so @grumbledore, when are you having kids? how many do you want? boys? girls? winter baby or summer baby?

  Report6 Reply
• jdluvr06 member

  

  March 2014

  I hate it when people ask me the kid questions. I actually want kids but I'm physically incapable of having them. It isn't something that a lot of people know so I know that they don't mean to be cruel but it is always painful for me to talk about.

  Report1 Reply
• flyingfoxes member

  

  March 2014

  I'm going to be one of those "old moms" I think.  Well, hopefully.  I didn't want kids all through my 20s, then started to teeter on the idea around 35, and now that I'm engaged to FI, who is AMAZING, I've found somebody that I can totally see having a child with, and he's open to it.  He's actually getting a vasectomy reversal this summer, and we're going to work on making a baby right around the wedding.  

  
  

  I always hated it when people told me I'd change my mind.  I guess I did, but on my own damned terms and timetable!  I'll be 39 right after we get married so I told him we'd better get on it ASAP.  

  
  
  
  

  Report1 Reply