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Snarky Brides

Is it fair for me to be annoyed?

edited March 2014 in Snarky Brides
I'm in a wedding this June. It's out of state. I explained to the bride that because of my own wedding plans and time off, I can't take any vacation. The wedding is on Sunday at 2:30 so the rehearsal is Saturday. I was planning to fly out either Friday night or Saturday morning and fly back late Sunday night or early Monday. I don't really want to pay for a hotel room (this wedding is already super expensive, with the bride not asking our budget and picking out expensive shoes, dress, plus the $80 each we have to put in for the bachelorette party and shower/wedding gifts) on Friday night since I already do for Saturday. So I asked the bride how soon she needed me there on Saturday to see if a flight in would work. She said she didn't know when the rehearsal would be. This was several months ago. I asked when the wedding would probably end. She didn't know. Time has passed, and flights are getting pricier and pricer and every time I ask when things are she gets irritated and says she doesn't know and then reminds me that I better be finding my own rides to and from the airport. I'm seriously getting overwhelmed by the price of this wedding. Am I allowed to be annoyed? What would you do? 
bnwright0721

Re: Is it fair for me to be annoyed?

  • It sounds like you're being more than reasonable. She should be able to at least give you a ballpark time for the various events. It's still a couple months out, though, so they may still be trying to figure that out. 

    I would say that if you have to buy tickets, just go ahead and buy the ones that work for you. Do you know how long it'll take to get from hotel/venue to the airport? If the wedding is at 2:30 pm on a Sunday, maybe you can get a flight around 8-9 pm? If you need to fly out Sunday night, then that's what you need to do. You can leave the reception before it's entirely over if you have to. 
    Amyzen83
  • I would have told her I couldn't do it after she started spending my money without asking me, personally.

    But now, I would tell her that, in light of the lack of communication, you can't be her BM anymore, you're sorry, you're bowing out.

    I would not go, I wouldn't buy into this nonsense, and I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    PrettyGirlLost
  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Totally fair to be annoyed. You need to know, and she needs to respect that. I would send her an email that basically says "I need to book my flight in the next week. Please let me know what time the rehearsal will be. If I don't know by X, I will go ahead and book, and hope I can be on time." As long as you build in some time (assume if it's a Sunday night wedding, it's a Saturday night rehearsal, and come in early enough, then assume you'll have to be at the wedding for at least 4 hours) you should be okay with a good-faith effort.

    You probably should have drawn a line in the sand a long time ago, sounds like.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    PrettyGirlLostthisismynickname2Amyzen83
  • What if you said, "Hey friend.  I haven't heard back from you, so I figured I was going to book my flight for Saturday morning at X time.  I probably won't get to it until tomorrow or the following day, so please let me know if that doesn't work ASAP."

    She is being super inconsiderate, it's no small task to be travelling for an OOT wedding.
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    Amyzen83
  • edandyedandy member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    Girl, if you can't afford it just pull yourself out of the wedding. I don't like how rude shes being to you.
    Rebl90PrettyGirlLost
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If she won't respond, book your ticket as you want to book it and just send her the confirmation. She sounds demanding.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    She's being inconsiderate. Personally, I probably wouldn't have bought the expensive shoes (unless I wanted them for other reasons) and at this point, I'd say book whenever you can get a good flight time. The rehearsal usually involves "we walk down the aisle (hopefully you know how to walk in a straight line) and stand in this order (which you could ask someone else in the bridal party where your spot is after the fact) and then we walk back up the aisle". Then the bride and groom (or perhaps their parents) pay for you to eat a meal. If they're getting married in a church, maybe check the service times because it's likely that the rehearsal will be scheduled around that. I assume you've already sunk some money into the dress, etc so in this situation, I would probably not back out in your shoes.

  • It's not that I'm unable to pay or anything, I am and will because I have made a commitment to be in the wedding and am going to be there. I'm just getting annoyed that she's being so vague with us but expecting us to plop down all this cash. The groom is also one of my best friends so I'm going to suck it up and go. 

    I like the idea of sending an email that says "I am booking my flight Monday. If I don't hear from you before then, I will arrive at X time Saturday and leave at X time on Sunday. Peace out." 

    Sounds like a plan.
    thisismynickname2hikebikebemerry
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm in a wedding this June. It's out of state. I explained to the bride that because of my own wedding plans and time off, I can't take any vacation. The wedding is on Sunday at 2:30 so the rehearsal is Saturday. I was planning to fly out either Friday night or Saturday morning and fly back late Sunday night or early Monday. I don't really want to pay for a hotel room (this wedding is already super expensive, with the bride not asking our budget and picking out expensive shoes, dress, plus the $80 each we have to put in for the bachelorette party and shower/wedding gifts) on Friday night since I already do for Saturday. So I asked the bride how soon she needed me there on Saturday to see if a flight in would work. She said she didn't know when the rehearsal would be. This was several months ago. I asked when the wedding would probably end. She didn't know. Time has passed, and flights are getting pricier and pricer and every time I ask when things are she gets irritated and says she doesn't know and then reminds me that I better be finding my own rides to and from the airport. I'm seriously getting overwhelmed by the price of this wedding. Am I allowed to be annoyed? What would you do? 
    I would not go and tell her to suck a big fat one.

    I wouldn't go if I were you. Although, if you're set on going, buy a flight now and tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine if she has an issue with your timing.
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    Amyzen83
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just book the best flight that works with your schedule. You gave her time for input and she did nothing. That is her lost. One thing I really dislike is how flakey people expect everyone to be on their schedule. 

     If you miss the rehearsal, so be it (is the wedding really so complicated another BM couldn't just talk you through it in 5 minutes when you get there?). 
    PrettyGirlLostmcgarci2
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would also book whatever flight works best for you. Screw her. You asked, she never got back to you. 

    PrettyGirlLostmcgarci2
  • I would also book whatever flight works best for you. Screw her. You asked, she never got back to you. 
    I'm with this. She may just be busy. Or she could be being inconsiderate, or lazy or a million other things. BUT that doesn't stop you from planning what is best for you. Book your flights and if you end up missing anything -  explain "I really just wanted to make sure I got my flight for your big day."
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's not that I'm unable to pay or anything, I am and will because I have made a commitment to be in the wedding and am going to be there. I'm just getting annoyed that she's being so vague with us but expecting us to plop down all this cash. The groom is also one of my best friends so I'm going to suck it up and go. 

    I like the idea of sending an email that says "I am booking my flight Monday. If I don't hear from you before then, I will arrive at X time Saturday and leave at X time on Sunday. Peace out." 

    Sounds like a plan.
    That sounds like a fair and diplomatic solution.  I totally get being annoyed with someone that expects you to bend around their schedule yet won't give you firm times while spending your money for you.  The rehearsal isn't that complicated, if you miss the physical rehearsal another BM can give you the rundown, NBD.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What if you said, "Hey friend.  I haven't heard back from you, so I figured I was going to book my flight for Saturday morning at X time.  I probably won't get to it until tomorrow or the following day, so please let me know if that doesn't work ASAP."

    She is being super inconsiderate, it's no small task to be travelling for an OOT wedding.
    Ugh, I wouldn't say that last part!  Don't allow her to have authority over your life and plans any further.  She already has been allowed to run right over you.

    This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think people make a big deal over rehearsals and they are largely unnecessary.  Especially for adults who have been in multiple weddings.  It's not rocket surgery to figure out how to walk down an aisle while holding a bouquet, and where to sit/stand thereafter.

    OP, if you would still like to attend the wedding but can't make the rehearsal for financial and PTO reasons, then don't worry about it.  Stick to your plan for booking flights.  However, if this whole experience is leaving a bad taste in your mouth, then don't go at all.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Honestly, don't even worry about it. Just buy your tickets. If you don't make it to the rehersal it should not be a big deal (although she doesn't sound like the most reasonable of people ). I'm sure you know how to walk down an aisle all by yourself. She'll have to deal with it.

    I have a bridesmaid in vet school a state over who isn't going to make it to my rehersal. I am of the opinion that her clinicals are more important.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Call her ceremony site and ask what time the rehearsal starts - which is probably late on Saturday night followed by dinner.  Then plan your flight to get there.
    Call her reception venue and ask for the time reserved for her reception on Sunday - which is probably 3:30 - 5:00.  Then plan your flight out of there.
  • When I hear about these kinds of demands for bridesmaids, I realize why I'm getting the opposite feedback from my sisters-- they want me to have MORE opinions and guidelines on things. I told them to pick out what they wanted to wear, have their hair done however they want to do it, get whatever shoes were comfortable, etc. We picked out the flower girl dresses (for their daughters) together but my fiancee and I paid for them and paid for our nephews' suits. I don't think my sisters should have to spend a boat load of money because I am getting married!

    I'd book the flight whenever it works for you. Once you reserve the venue, you know what time the wedding will end. There is no reason for her not to have that info to you!
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  • cms519 said:
    I don't think my sisters should have to spend a boat load of money because I am getting married!
    Agreed. I'm paying for accommodation / hair and make up / dress and shoes for my girls. They too have been asking for more duties but I don't really have anything to give them (as I have a Wedding Planner and Stylist who have covered everything). 

    Your friend sounds really inconsiderate. Make a decision, either way after her indecision she is not really in a position to comment negatively.

  • Seriously, hire the buff stripper guy as your driver. Or your plus one.

    @PrettyGirlLost - Hey! It's very hard to handle the bouquet. I mean really, you hand me a potential weapon and I can't whap people who have annoyed me in recent days? And do the groomsman and I link arms and skip up the aisle, or do we race up the aisle and use the bouquet like a baton in relay, or do I walk backwards ....
    Simky906
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