Do guests really hate weddings that much?

knapkinator · March 2014

Reading these forums often gives the impression that wedding are these terrible events that people are forced to go to. "You need to host your wedding properly (totally makes sense) because guests have spent all this money and wasted all this time to come to your wedding (wtf? If it is such a hassle, don't go. Or don't buy a wedding gift.)" And all this stuff about how guests don't want to be bored by you celebrating your love (slideshows, for example). I thought the entire reason to go to a wedding was to celebrate with the bride and groom. I thought weddings were fun and it is always an honor for me to be invited. But reading these posts makes me feel like guests hate weddings hahaha.

bethsmiles · March 2014

I love going to weddings that are well hosted. Weddings that are well hosted are fun.

Weddings where I have to buy my own drinks, there isn't enough food, or I don't have a seat for the night aren't fun. When you don't follow etiquette, you make things harder on your guests which makes your wedding not fun. It's not that guests hate going to weddings. It's that guests hate going to weddings where the bride and groom act like they don't give a shit about their guests.

larrygaga · March 2014

Some people do and some don't. Everyone hates a wedding where they expect to be fed and are not because the B+G didn't think that the reception is a thank you, but rather a party for themselves. The key idea is celebrating WITH the bride and groom. It is a day for everyone to celebrate your marriage and happiness together. However, it's not fair to assume everyone is as obsessed with your love as much as you two are. I don't care if it's my own child getting married, I don't want to be forced to watch an hour long slideshow of pictures of only them.

pinkcow13 · March 2014

Personally, I love weddings. I think certain comments are made when it comes to weddings not being properly hosted. I wouldn't mind personal touches that a couple would want to incorporate into their special day such as a slideshow - but a one hour plus slideshow without anywhere to sit, not so much. Cash bar, money dance, long gaps, no food whatsoever at a 6 hour reception at dinnertime etc - Not so much. Guests love weddings and are honored to be invited to them. Guests hate weddings that are not properly hosted.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

knapkinator said:

Reading these forums often gives the impression that wedding are these terrible events that people are forced to go to. "You need to host your wedding properly (totally makes sense) because guests have spent all this money and wasted all this time to come to your wedding (wtf? If it is such a hassle, don't go. Or don't buy a wedding gift.)" And all this stuff about how guests don't want to be bored by you celebrating your love (slideshows, for example). I thought the entire reason to go to a wedding was to celebrate with the bride and groom. I thought weddings were fun and it is always an honor for me to be invited. But reading these posts makes me feel like guests hate weddings hahaha.

Guests do not hate weddings. Guests hate being captive audiences at plays they did not choose to attend. There is a difference.

As a guest, I will gladly celebrate your wedding with you, and I will do so graciously, until you start being an AW who's so set on MEMEMEMEME that you're forgetting your guests' comfort.

I do not, and never have, understood the point of rose or sand or unity candle ceremonies. Never have. Maybe it's because I'm Catholic, and most Catholic priests won't allow those. YOUR WEDDING is a unity ceremony -- what other unity symbology do you need?? And why do I have to sit through it?

Slide shows that are in the background don't bother me -- I can watch (or not) as I choose. But slide shows that I have to sit through before I get food, or a version of the newlywed game played by the bridal couple and WP (true story; had to sit through one of those at the wedding of a then-BF's friend), or interminable speeches full of inside jokes, or anything else that treats me as an audience member rather than honoured guest will draw my ire and cause me to side-eye you.

There is a way to celebrate your love tastefully and with good grace. Forced viewing of slide shows is not one of them.

JCbride2015 · March 2014

I think I fall into the same camp as PPs: I love weddings when they are properly hosted and the B&G take care of their guests. When I travel to attend a wedding that doesn't have enough food or chairs, or when the invitation seems gift-grabby, yeah it is indeed a hassle to go to that kind of wedding.

I never consider time spent on a wedding "wasted" time. But the couple really needs to consider them as hosts and their family and friends as guests. That means everyone must get treated well.

phira · March 2014

I love weddings. I just think that couples are encouraged to obsess over irrelevant details like having the PERFECT favors, and having beautiful calligraphy for the escort cards, and having a laundry list of Pinterest-worthy wedding photo opportunities. We often forget that the reception is a party to thank our guests for coming to our wedding, and that we need to host the party properly.

As other folks have mentioned, we tend to complain about being poorly hosted, but we don't gush and give cookies over properly hosted events. So you hear more criticism here than is representative of how people feel about weddings.

mbross3 · March 2014

I agree with PP. I genuinely enjoy attending weddings and seeing people I love and care about get married. However, no matter how much you care about the couple, sometimes things done at weddings make the entire experience trying and/or unpleasant.

Cash bars, not enough seats, no food, tiered weddings: all of these things can make what should be a celebration, into a chore. I attended a wedding once where the only people to get a full meal were the bride and groom (literally- they sat at a sweetheart table and ate while everyone else "mingled" at cocktail tables eating appetizers). How is that enjoyable for anyone else? Yes, I complained about that wedding because I traveled out of town, bought a gift, etc and was not properly hosted or thanked (all the guests got a mass email "thank you" but that's a different story).

Sometimes the Bride and Groom forget that it's actually not all about them on their wedding day- they imagine no one will care about certain aspects of the wedding because everyone is so happy for them. Of course people are happy for them! That doesn't mean you get to skip feeding them if the reception starts at 6pm.

knapkinator · March 2014

This post wasn't defending poor hosts. I was just mentioning the vibe of these forums. It kinda makes me want to elope because no matter what I do, someone is going to not be happy. I'm mostly joking though, all of life people are going to disagree with choices you make and you can't run away to solve all of them.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

knapkinator said:

This post wasn't defending poor hosts. I was just mentioning the vibe of these forums. It kinda makes me want to elope because no matter what I do, someone is going to not be happy. I'm mostly joking though, all of life people are going to disagree with choices you make and you can't run away to solve all of them.

This is absolutely true. No matter what you do, someone is going to be unhappy.

But as long as everything you do do you do correctly and within the bounds of proper etiquette, it looks badly on their part to be complaining not your part for how you've chosen to host.

If you have a limited budget, and you choose to host beer and wine only, but host those beverages fully, you're in the right in terms of etiquette, and anyone who doesn't like that can GTFO it.

If you can't afford to host a meal, and you choose to have a mid-afternoon wedding with a cake-and-punch reception, you're right in terms of etiquette and anyone who doesn't like that can GTFO it.

Here's a real-world example: DH's grandmother did not like the fact that we had a Catholic Mass, and pitched a fit about it, and told us REPEATEDLY how terrible she thought it was and how rude it was and how we were terrible hosts and she couldn't believe we would do that.

You know what? Who.The.Fuck.Cares.

We hosted our guests properly -- no gaps, they didn't have to open their wallets at our party, a full meal at a meal time, a chair for every butt, etc. -- and one person not liking having to sit through a Catholic Mass was, quite frankly, not my fucking problem.

People are always going to have differences of personal opinions at weddings; that's just a reality. But as long as the differences of opinion aren't material (i.e., your grandmother thinks your brother should have been an usher and you didn't make him one), it's just that -- an opinion.

banana468 · March 2014

Some people can't be pleased. My late (not so) great uncle was one of them. I just didn't care what he thought.

If you thought our Catholic Mass was too long, too effing bad. That's what binds me to my husband legally and in our faith.

But, I really hope that you didn't leave hungry, enjoyed the music and head a good time.

ZiggyZos · March 2014

knapkinator said:

This post wasn't defending poor hosts. I was just mentioning the vibe of these forums. It kinda makes me want to elope because no matter what I do, someone is going to not be happy. I'm mostly joking though, all of life people are going to disagree with choices you make and you can't run away to solve all of them.

You're right - you aren't always going to make everyone 100% happy. But there's a difference between people complaining because they're a twat and people critiquing because the bride and groom were inappropriate hosts.

If someone doesn't like your color choices? Too bad for them. Ignore what they have to say.

Someone is a vegetarian and complains because every plate you offer has meat on it? They have a valid issue that needs to be addressed.

I've never once thought going to a wedding was a chore. I thoroughly enjoy going to weddings. I was thrilled to pieces when my BF (and MOH) asked me to stand as her MOH. But I absolutely side-eyed her cash bar and dollar dance - that I was forced to participate in as the MOH - when I already spent hundreds of dollars on a dress, shoes, and travel expenses to be there.

kmmssg · March 2014

I am pretty forgiving on the minutia as long as I have a place to sit and I don't have to pay for my diet coke. I had to do that once (maybe 7ish years ago and I am stilled side-eyeing that one).

I don't really care if you have extra things in your ceremony - that is your call (as long as I don't have to participate - I am there as a spectator).

I love to go to weddings that don't have gaps, have enough seats, and the right amount of food for the time of day. You don't have to give me alcohol, iced tea is quite lovely, and spend your time being happy in the day, smiling, engaging in your company and hitting the dance floor. It really is so easy to do and many do it really well. The others end up on the worst wedding you have ever attended thread.

jdluvr06 · March 2014

I don't hate weddings exactly. I enjoy some of the weddings I go to and I always enjoy the weddings of my family members because I'm so happy for them. I do get uncomfortable at some weddings though, not necessarily because it isn't being properly hosted or anything I'm just not comfortable in super formal settings. I also get kind of uncomfortable during church ceremonies. That is a professional hazard though. I sit there dissecting the ceremony is my head during church ceremonies. I know it's weird.

phira · March 2014

I also think there's a difference between people being irritated because they're hosted improperly and people being irritated because the details aren't to their personal tastes.

For example, my grandmother is very upset that I'm not wearing white. She's not going to be happy about it by the time the wedding rolls around. But I'm not gonna worry about it because my dress color isn't making me a bad host.

NavyBlue143 · March 2014

30 minute slideshow that took 15 minutes of troubleshooting before it even played, in an un air conditioned church in June in TEXAS= I hate you and your wedding. And that was before the almost hour long ceremony. A bridesmaid fainted.

I don't mind a short slideshow (5 minutes) or one playing in the background. My cousin's was short and super cute. I do mind being a captive audience ( bridesmaid) when the temperature is almost 100 inside. Or when it's super long and I'm forced to watch it. But that whole wedding was a cluster, and it severely damaged my relationship with the bride. If I'm properly hosted and not a captive to a drawn out ode to you or uncomfortable speech, I will probably enjoy your wedding.

climbingsingle · March 2014

Personally, I love weddings. I attend probably 99.9% of weddings that I'm invited to. I always have a great time.

I think slideshows a great when presented in the right manor. If you're forcing me to sit through a 30 minute slideshow while I sit at my table hungry, I won't be a happy camper. This is the same as having tons of speeches during the reception. Keep them short so I can eat!

NYCBruin · March 2014

phira said:

I also think there's a difference between people being irritated because they're hosted improperly and people being irritated because the details aren't to their personal tastes.

For example, my grandmother is very upset that I'm not wearing white. She's not going to be happy about it by the time the wedding rolls around. But I'm not gonna worry about it because my dress color isn't making me a bad host.

This! I love weddings. Have I been to weddings where the decor, ceremony, whatever wasn't my taste? Yes. Did I still have an awesome time and love each of those weddings? Of course!

As long as I'm well hosted, I love weddings!

Unfortunately, there are people out there who are never going to be happy no matter what. That's life, someone is going to be unhappy no matter what you do (even eloping doesn't solve this as there will inevitably be people upset that they weren't included).

That's one of the great things about etiquette though, it's helped me focus on the parts of our wedding that really matter. My "gut check" question is always "will this in any way affect my guests' comfort" and if the answer is no, then I don't stress about it.

thisismynickname2 · March 2014

I'm kinda "eh" with weddings, honestly, and partially for the reason that I, too, feel like I can't win. I feel like I'm stressing over an event that people are going to be jerks about no matter how hard I try.

So yeah, I feel you there.

I really love wedding ceremonies. I don't really love wedding receptions. This is part of the reason I want to keep my guest list limited: when I'm a date to a wedding of people I barely know, sitting at a table through a 2 hour plated meal I wouldn't ordinarily choose, mingling with strangers I'll never see again during cocktail hour, and dancing (or not dancing) to music I barely like and seeing the Happy Couple for all of 3 minutes during their obligated table rounds? It's just not that fun. When I know the Happy Couple very well, I definitely have more fun because then I feel like I'm truly celebrating something and not just filling a chair.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

I love weddings!

I am pretty easy to please at a wedding:

Don't have a gap between the ceremony and the reception- THAT is truly a waste of my time and money if I have to go entertain myself somewhere.
Don't have a cocktail hour longer than 1.5hrs
Have a place for me to sit
Have good food and drinks
Have good music
Have dancing

I personally dislike weddings w/o dancing because I love to dance. I don't care about slideshows or speeches, or bouquet/garter tosses, etc and don't miss them if you skip them or I can actively skip them, but I hate all of that rigamarole if I am forced to participate/watch.

SmileDamnit · March 2014

I looooove me a wedding. Just something about them gets my heart all mushy. Doesn't mean they can't be a total and complete cluster fuck, though. And cluster fucks get talked about, and judged. It's inevitable.

And I don't think that wedding have anything to do with making everyone happy, rather they *should* be about treating everyone in a respectable manner with an impeccable level of hospitality.

JaniV123 · March 2014

I understand where you are coming from. And I too get that vibe sometimes. But it seems most of the people on these boards are accustomed to certain things that I never knew were improper. In my family and around here certain things are done differently etiquette wise and I never felt offended nor did my mom or anyone else. I do believe in being gracious and hosting properly so I am going out of my way to follow appropriate etiquette rules for our wedding, even if FI doesn't understand/agree.

I do believe people in the states are more sensitive when it comes to certain things and are more cold in some aspects that are totally perceived and practiced differently here and that may influence my perspective.

To each their own, but know this there will always be at least one person who will criticize and dislike something, but as long as you love it and are not offending anyone it doesnt matter.

MairePoppy · March 2014

I love weddings, but expect to be treated with common courtesy.

If you have an outdoor ceremony, have a back up plan. One bride and her bms took shelter in a nearby bar while her groom and guests stood waiting, in the park, in the pouring rain for the ceremony to start. She didn't want to get wet, to hell with the guests. There were no chairs, either, because they planned on a short ceremony. The groom was embarrassed and kept checking his watch and calling bride on his cell phone to urge her to hurry up. I think most of us would have cheered him on if he left. At the reception,they had a cash bar, even though the FOG offered to host the bar. The FOB didn't want anyone getting drunk at his daughter's wedding. The same bride who was knocking back drinks pre-ceremony and was quite drunk by the time dinner was served.

Slideshows have their place - in a corner, looping, where guests who are interested can stop and watch for a few minutes. Don't turn the lights off and hold your guests hostage to your slide show.

If you're not planning to provide, seating, foods, beverages, appropriate shelter for your guests, then elope.

phira · March 2014

@MairePoppy Right, I actually LIKE slideshows/collages, but not when we're turning off the lights and ooh-ing-and-aw-ing in unison whilst waiting for dinner/dancing.

larrygaga · March 2014

phira said:

@MairePoppy Right, I actually LIKE slideshows/collages, but not when we're turning off the lights and ooh-ing-and-aw-ing in unison whilst waiting for dinner/dancing.

It's nice as a background thing, maybe during dinner before dancing.

phira · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

I have guests complaining that I am having an open bar, allowing Significant others to be part of our rehearsal and allowing plus 1's for everyone. I had a cousin tell me that I need to have a cash bar because I don't owe anything to anyone.

Say what?!

I know at the end of the day, my conscience is clear and very proud of how my fiance and I have planned our wedding and how we decided to treat our guests.

If she's so upset about no cash bar, then she can give you money before she goes up to get a drink.

lyndausvi · March 2014

Musikalbunni said:

I have guests complaining that I am having an open bar, allowing Significant others to be part of our rehearsal and allowing plus 1's for everyone. I had a cousin tell me that I need to have a cash bar because I don't owe anything to anyone.

Say what?!

I know at the end of the day, my conscience is clear and very proud of how my fiance and I have planned our wedding and how we decided to treat our guests.

That is so funny. Goes to show people can and do complain about everything.

How sad your cousin thinks having an open bar means you somehow feel you owe your guests something? You are simply hosting that includes food and beverages. Some of those beverages include alcohol. Big deal.

HobokensFury · March 2014

I love weddings as long as I'm properly hosted.

erinlin25 · March 2014

I love weddings! Even when they are not properly hosted, I still love weddings, but cannot help but feel slighted when the couple is more concerned about themselves rather than the people who took time to attend. Sure you always have the option not to go, but when I do attend a wedding I at least expect to be hosted properly. I don't care if I am served Filet Mignon and top shelf alcohol but I do care that my comfort was taken into consideration and do not feel like I am attending a charity needing to open my wallet the whole time. I will look past the dollar dance and even if you provide beer/wine with an option to buy my cocktail it is better than nothing (heck, I am more than happy to be a dry wedding all together). I understand how expensive weddings are but if you invite me you need to host me-- don't make me feel like I am just one more gift you will get by inviting me and then make me pay for your wedding. If you cannot provide for your guests, simply do not invite them!

larrygaga · March 2014

erinlin25 said:

I love weddings! Even when they are not properly hosted, I still love weddings, but cannot help but feel slighted when the couple is more concerned about themselves rather than the people who took time to attend. Sure you always have the option not to go, but when I do attend a wedding I at least expect to be hosted properly. I don't care if I am served Filet Mignon and top shelf alcohol but I do care that my comfort was taken into consideration and do not feel like I am attending a charity needing to open my wallet the whole time. I will look past the dollar dance and even if you provide beer/wine with an option to buy my cocktail it is better than nothing (heck, I am more than happy to be a dry wedding all together). I understand how expensive weddings are but if you invite me you need to host me-- don't make me feel like I am just one more gift you will get by inviting me and then make me pay for your wedding. If you cannot provide for your guests, simply do not invite them!

I'll go to a dry wedding with freakin' walking tacos and be happy. Scratch that, I would love me some walking tacos at a wedding.

As long as I have food when it is food time and somewhere to sit, then I am happy as a clam.

grumbledore · March 2014

I love weddings. I only hate bad, thoughtless, selfish weddings.

Do guests really hate weddings that much?

Re: Do guests really hate weddings that much?

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