Uninviting the Driver

missnc77 · March 2014

If these people are so important to you, perhaps you should thank their daughter for freeing up her Saturday to drive her parents to a wedding for someone who she doesn't even know. If I were in your position, I'd welcome her based on her generousity. But, maybe I'm weird.

Blue_Bird · March 2014

phira said:

Blue_Bird said:

They said they'd "rather not drive", not they "couldn't drive", correct? While to moe, it wouldn't be a huge deal, I also think you would definitely not be in the wrong to tell them "No". At 65, unless they have a disability, they should be fine to drive.

Eh, I don't like to police people's disabilities or insist that people drive when they're not okay with it. We don't know the whole story, and I know people whose health at 65 was pretty bad.

Agreed, we can't police their disabilities. Just saying their age alone does not give them a free pass.

RebeccaB88 · March 2014

I would take them at their word. If they say they aren't comfortable driving, I would take that to mean that there is a good reason why and that it would impact their ability to come if they had to drive. It's close enough to 'can't' that I'd handle it the same way and happily agree to host their driver.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

beharrington said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

beharrington said:

@HisGirl - Just to clear the air - I did plan accordingly based on all of the input I got from lurking on this board. The only part unhosted was the drive from the church to the hotel (and bus from hotel to reception). His entire side (angry at the gap because it wasn't a longer one) rushed home and changed and showed up just in time for dinner. It was in Houston on the day of a big bike race so we allowed 30 minutes instead of 20 for the drive from the church to the hotel. 15 minutes from Hotel to reception on the bus. And then people were allowed in at 4:15 for apps and bar opened at 4:30.

ETA: Responding because I'm touchy about this one. I worked my butt off to ensure my family and friends were hosted properly while dealing with all the crap from his family who were pissed that I didn't allow them a 5 hour gap per their traditions.

Wait, what?

Your OP did not mention the travel time, just the gap, so my apologies for reading that as an hour-long un-hosted gap.

Why did your DH's family change clothes? Why do they have five-hour gaps? WHAT???

They are Vietnamese. Apparently, I was rude and horrible for not allowing them to go home and change into party clothes and have dinner before coming to party the night away. They also thought I was insane for ending it at 9:30 as their weddings typically go into the wee hours (because of the ridiculous wait time between the ceremony and reception).

There were 102 members of his family invited (a little less than half of the guest list), so convincing them to show up and reminding them that there was not a gap was a pain. I actually went so far as to put the time that dinner was being served on the reception card in the invitation (leading all of my family to think I was insane until I explained). I didn't want to end up with 100 people's worth of food uneaten because they didn't show up until 8ish.

Then there was the giant stink MIL threw because they wouldn't allow her into the bridal suite to change into her fancy champagne colored dress during cocktail hour.

Damn - it's been a year almost and I still get all riled up just thinking of that woman's shenanigans (you may remember posts about the MIL that handed out photocopies of the invitation and then snuck people in side doors - yeah, that was mine).

I remember hearing about it, but I wasn't around when it happened, I don't think. @shrekspeare, here's a good resource for you -- someone else whose FMIL photocopied invitations and invited extra people!

Holy.Effing.Shitballs. What did your DH say to his mother about all of this?

I don't blame you for still being riled up a year later -- I would be, too!

beharrington · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I remember hearing about it, but I wasn't around when it happened, I don't think. @shrekspeare, here's a good resource for you -- someone else whose FMIL photocopied invitations and invited extra people!

Holy.Effing.Shitballs. What did your DH say to his mother about all of this?

I don't blame you for still being riled up a year later -- I would be, too!

I just replied on her post about it.

DH and I have not spoken to MIL since the wedding as this is just one of many many things that went down. We honestly didn't even realize that she'd gone through with it because we had a system to make sure no one got in the front door unless there was an escort card for them. Stupid us for not thinking about side doors. *only slightly sarcastic*

We found out the next morning when we looked at the photobooth album and started talking to my family whose chairs had been hijaked. Then my dad mentioned how he confronted her and she said it was no big deal and she'd pay for them (not one dime has been seen and my parents don't want us getting in the middle of it because they are amazing people and love DH). I lost my shit.

I love my friends and family who were too wonderful to not point it out during the reception but I kind of wish they had so I could have called her on it then and there. And I would have...so maybe it's best that they didn't.

Jen4948 · March 2014

Yes, they were rude to invite their daughter when you didn't, but I would let it go and treat the daughter as an invited guest. Apparently that's the only way you're going to get the guests you did invite to attend. It's rude, but I'm willing to invite persons needed to "assist" invited guests as guests in their own right.

lyndausvi · March 2014

missnc77 said:

If these people are so important to you, perhaps you should thank their daughter for freeing up her Saturday to drive her parents to a wedding for someone who she doesn't even know. If I were in your position, I'd welcome her based on her generousity. But, maybe I'm weird.

Nope. This is not only how I feel, it's exactly what I would have done had my nana's great-grandson had showed up at our wedding. Sadly Nana didn't feel up for the 1.5 hour drive that day so she didn't make it.

One of DH's 50+ year old employee asked for his adult daughter to drive them to the wedding. He likes to drink, wife doesn't drive. We welcomed their daughter and thanked her for taking the time to drive her parents to our wedding. (** note: they are from the islands and wedding was in NJ. Daughter happen to live an hour or more from our venue. She was more familiar with the area and driving on interstates than he was. )

lc07 · March 2014

This would be a no-brainer for me to invite the driver. Granted, we didn't have a small wedding. And even though I'm not made of money, I want my guests to be happy.

We added a BUNCH of last minute guests. We had several families travel from Australia to California - one family in particular who came to California from Australia and made a vacation out of it and traveled with another family of four whom my husband and I did not know. The couple we knew never asked us to invite their friends, but we knew they were traveling together and so once we found out they were all traveling together after invites went out, we verbally offered the invitation to their friends if they would like to attend with them, which they took us up on.

One of my husband's closest friends lives in Australia and hadn't seen his sister who lives in LA in something like 15 years. We invited him with his wife and family who had to decline. He RSVPd solo, but we told him to bring his sister if she could come and he wanted to have her come.

My Aunt and Uncle asked if we could add my Uncle's estranged adopted daughter to our guest list since they were trying to re-connect. They told us her husband could not attend due to a surgery he was having but then he showed up anyway (thank Goodness we gave our caterer a higher head count than our exact numbers).

IDK. Life is crazy. You gotta roll with it or you'll drive yourself insane. I'm just glad that we could be hospitable and make our guests happy. It was a fun party. We threw something within our means so that we could improvise if we needed to. And I'm glad we created that space in our budget to cater to our loved ones because I know our guests appreciated it.

RosePetal2014 · March 2014

At all PP, thank you for all your help. Just a few things I'd like to clarify.

1) My wedding is not 8 hours long. The Catholic Ceremony is from 12 to ~1:15. Cocktail hour starts at 3, reception at 4. The gap allows for people to travel to the reception site (1 hour away) and check in at their hotels if necessary. And it is a Friday, not a Saturday.

2) No, my budget is not that over stretched that one extra guest will break the budget. The issue is that they are not the only older people invited. And they are not even the 'old' ones invited. Several of the other older couples now want to know if they can invite drivers as well. This despite the fact that in these other cases their children are invited. Basically, I don't want to set a precedent since word seems to travel fast. And other people are starting this with their younger children as well.

3) They are in fine health. The two couples invited not in good health are riding with their children.

and @Doeydo, yes, they can ride with several other people from their area.

missnc77 · March 2014

There isn't any advice we can give you in this situation. If you want a small wedding but people are asking to bring drivers, then you either allow the driver or tell the people you can't accommodate. They might be rebelling over the fact you're asking them to drive how every many hours to your ceremony then another hour to the reception on a Friday. My mom is in her 60s and in good health, but she hates driving. I could see her torn in this situation - you want to go, but you also have to do a lot of driving around in areas you may not be familiar with.

doeydo · March 2014

I wouldn't accommodate the driver(s). If people aren't comfortable driving by themselves, they can carpool with other wedding guests or they can have their children drive them and the children will just have to find something else to do during the wedding. Also, why is your reception site an hour away? A half hour is pushing it, IMO. Anyways, unhosted gaps are rude. Please have cocktail hour ready for when guests might start to arrive (1:15 plus one hour driving time = 2:15) and don't have a gigantically long cocktail-hour.

JellyBean52513 · March 2014

RosePetal2014 said:

At all PP, thank you for all your help. Just a few things I'd like to clarify.

1) My wedding is not 8 hours long. The Catholic Ceremony is from 12 to ~1:15. Cocktail hour starts at 3, reception at 4. The gap allows for people to travel to the reception site (1 hour away) and check in at their hotels if necessary. And it is a Friday, not a Saturday.

2) No, my budget is not that over stretched that one extra guest will break the budget. The issue is that they are not the only older people invited. And they are not even the 'old' ones invited. Several of the other older couples now want to know if they can invite drivers as well. This despite the fact that in these other cases their children are invited. Basically, I don't want to set a precedent since word seems to travel fast. And other people are starting this with their younger children as well.

3) They are in fine health. The two couples invited not in good health are riding with their children.

and @Doeydo, yes, they can ride with several other people from their area.

I still think you need to adjust your timeline. First of all, a reception site an hour away from the ceremony site is a lot, and this additional driving time still points to the original issue of 2 of your guests wanting a driver.

Second of all, you left that gap to allow for driving and for people to check into their hotels "if necessary." What if it's not necessary, and your guests are lead-foots that get to your reception site in 45 minutes? They'll be sitting around for an hour waiting for your cocktail reception to start.

Third of all, sure they can carpool with other guests. But how do you know other guests are willing to carpool with them? And ok, they may be in "perfect" health but they still prefer to have a driver. If you choose not to accommodate their driver, then that's totally your right (and I agree that they were kinda rude to assume you would). But, if you really want these people at your wedding, you'll just have to make the exception.

phira · March 2014

Then I think you (with your partner) need to decide how important it is that these people come to the wedding.

It's easy to get caught into this mindset that you need to figure out how to ensure people come to your wedding. Because that's really the heart of the issue here: "How do I make sure these people come without letting them bring their driver?"

The answer is, "You can't. The only way to ensure the attendance of these guests is to invite their driver."

If they were interested in getting to your wedding any other way, they'd ask, "Is there anyone else in our neck of the woods we could carpool with?" Or, "We aren't comfortable driving that far. Is there anything you can recommend?" etc.

So, my advice? If you want them to attend, invite their driver. If you'd rather not invite the driver, then you can say, "We cannot accommodate your daughter. However, we'd be happy to connect you with other folks who'll be coming from close by. Otherwise, we understand if you're not comfortable attending."

lyndausvi · March 2014

You certainly don't have to have the driver. I would stop at saying "they can just ride with someone else from the area."

@HisGirlFriday13 is a prefect example of how being "volunteered" to drive someone to an event can royally suck. If someone actually volunteers that is one thing, but another invited guest should not be made to chauffeur other guests around simply because they are in the same area.

mcgarci2 · March 2014

I'm stuck on the fact that the ceremony and reception site are an hour away from each other... Sounds like a PITA for guests.

misshart00 · March 2014

mcgarci2 said:

I'm stuck on the fact that the ceremony and reception site are an hour away from each other... Sounds like a PITA for guests.

I agree. But I'm also stuck on the fact that the reception is an hour away but there is almost two hours between the end of the ceremony and cocktail hour.

photokitty · March 2014

misshart00 said:

mcgarci2 said:

I'm stuck on the fact that the ceremony and reception site are an hour away from each other... Sounds like a PITA for guests.

I agree. But I'm also stuck on the fact that the reception is an hour away but there is almost two hours between the end of the ceremony and cocktail hour.

Agree & Agreed. But I'm also stuck on the fact that it is a Friday, so everyone has to take the whole day off work and drive several hours to boot!

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

lyndausvi said:

You certainly don't have to have the driver. I would stop at saying "they can just ride with someone else from the area."

@HisGirlFriday13 is a prefect example of how being "volunteered" to drive someone to an event can royally suck. If someone actually volunteers that is one thing, but another invited guest should not be made to chauffeur other guests around simply because they are in the same area.

YES, YES I AM!!!

If no one else has volunteered to carpool with these people, there might be a very good reason. Do not voluntell them for the responsibility. They will hate you forever. TRUST ME.

indianaalum · March 2014

RosePetal2014 said:

My FI and I are trying to keep our wedding guest list down to people we care about them being there because they have had a significant impact on our lives. That said, we have a large age range on this group. Our wedding (ceremony and reception) will be held about 1.5 hours away from where most of the guests live in NY because we live/go to school here and while his family and friends (the larger portion of the guest list) are from CT, my family is from MN and will already be in town for our college graduation. It is a noon ceremony and the reception will be done by 8:00pm (dusk) with the option to leave earlier if necessary.

The issue is one of the older couples (~65) has decided that they cannot drive this far and have invited their daughter (~45) to the wedding so she can be their driver. My FI and I are not ok with this as we have met their daughter once a few months ago and like I said are trying to keep the list small primarily due to budget issues. How can we nicely explain, "look, we don't know you and would rather not have you crash our wedding uninvited"? The older couple has been very nice to my FI and his father for the past 10 years and we would like to have them come, but not if it means breaking the bank or having a gigantic wedding.

I guess you prioritize thow much their attendance mean to you then. If it means alot, you compromise and let them bring here. If you don't want it, realize they won't be there as it seems like their only way to attend.

HOWEVER, the "having a gigantic wedding" over ONE person seems a little ridiculous to me. Adding one person doesn't suddenly mean you will have a gigantic wedding.

Uninviting the Driver

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