How to politely tell people they are not invited to the wedding?

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

Similar problem here with overly presumptuous friends re: invitations and plus ones. Our wedding is by no means small (our list is right at 250 right now - huge families!) so we can't really use that as an excuse, but come on, NOBODY can realistically invite every single person they've ever met to their wedding (times two for guests). I think no matter how big or small your wedding is, there's always going to be SOMEONE who thinks they should get to come but simply can't. I know I just need to use the "unfortunately we just can't accommodate everyone" line, but it's a lot easier said than done when people start telling you out of the blue that they just can't wait for your wedding and already have an outfit picked out and already chose their date, and a backup if that date can't make it, and oh it's just going to be so much fun. :-| Urgh. It's not fair that we have relatives who didn't make the cut but Random Facebook Friend thinks she and Random Plus One Off The Street get to come.

ScoutF · March 2014

laurahubb said:

My close friend didn't have a plus one on her invite because she's going to know almost everyone there and has only been with her boyfriend a month or so, so my etiquette googling and checking with friends tells me that was okay to not give her one.

She's being EXTREMELY pushy: I've tried everything...small venue...money...wanting time to celebrate with her...etc. etc. She won't even get ready the day of with us anymore because she wants to spend time with him.

Her last message was even "well we'll see when RSVPs are in when there's room."

There may be room, yes, but we don't want a stranger when we had close friends we couldn't even invite due to size/money, and when I'm insulted I'm clearly not as important as the new beau.

Help!

Your friend is definitely not wrong, and her BOYFRIEND should be invited. Who are you to judge the seriousness of her relationship?

princessjessixo · March 2014

Suggest meeting the bf, that way she knows you're making an effort and not just treating he like a flavour of the month. If she is that important to you and she's serious about the guy, it might be less of a headache to include him. But if you get the vibe that he isn't making it to the change of season, keep him off the list, you want those special to you at your day, not strangers

I have given plus ones as a nicety, and because we are sending invites mega early (a lot of service industry staff invited and a prime summer weekend) if friends are not going to use their plus ones for significant others, or someone who the FI and I know, then the men (we have a very male heavy group of friends) have been told that we would appreciate them replying without a plus one so a few of our friends we would like to invite but can't because of current numbers, can be invited. We couldn't draw the line as our group of friends is large and about 2/3 are in relationships. So we decided the extra 14 people won't kill us (totally in budget)

At the end of the day it's your wedding and your choice.

APDSS22 · March 2014

princessjessixo said:

Suggest meeting the bf, that way she knows you're making an effort and not just treating he like a flavour of the month. If she is that important to you and she's serious about the guy, it might be less of a headache to include him. But if you get the vibe that he isn't making it to the change of season, keep him off the list, you want those special to you at your day, not strangers I have given plus ones as a nicety, and because we are sending invites mega early (a lot of service industry staff invited and a prime summer weekend) if friends are not going to use their plus ones for significant others, or someone who the FI and I know, then the men (we have a very male heavy group of friends) have been told that we would appreciate them replying without a plus one so a few of our friends we would like to invite but can't because of current numbers, can be invited. We couldn't draw the line as our group of friends is large and about 2/3 are in relationships. So we decided the extra 14 people won't kill us (totally in budget) At the end of the day it's your wedding and your choice.

So you're going to judge the validity of your guests' relationships, you're going to "and guest" their significant others, you're sending invites too early (that's what save the dates are for, or spreading by word of mouth), and you want to B-list people? Even if they do break up, right now they are in a relationship that they feel is serious and it's a big enough deal that she is asking her bride friend to include him. Repeatedly. It's rude to not invite him, regardless of whether or not the bride has met him.

SP29 · March 2014

As for plus ones- it is not a plus one if the person you are inviting is in a relationship- their "plus one" is in fact a significant other and should be invited.

Plus ones are for truly single guests. If you don't want to provide plus ones to truly single guests then that is your right. In that case, address the invitation to the person (or persons) you want to invite. If anyone adds an extra, you call them up and simply say, "I'm sorry Jenn, but the invitation was only for you, we cannot accommodate any extra guests. Hope you can still make it!" No explanation needed. If a guest shows up with someone extra to the wedding, that is on them and their embarrassment if there is no food or chair for the uninvited guest.

As for guests inviting them selves, politely tell them you cannot accommodate them, no excuses, or else that gives people room to give you "solutions" that you don't want. If people show up uninvited, again, that'll be on them if there is no chair or dinner.

VerizonGirl · March 2014

We only invited 27, so we got this A LOT - I said this sentence over and over:

"Oh, my parents are hosting the wedding and they are done with the guest list, and they had to keep it very small."

And if someone pushed anyway, I said:

"Well, if you'd like to ask more about it, you should call my dad - he's home after 6:00."

Most people backed off when I mentioned parents.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

laurahubb said:
My close friend didn't have a plus one on her invite because she's going to know almost everyone there and has only been with her boyfriend a month or so, so my etiquette googling and checking with friends tells me that was okay to not give her one.

She's being EXTREMELY pushy: I've tried everything...small venue...money...wanting time to celebrate with her...etc. etc. She won't even get ready the day of with us anymore because she wants to spend time with him.

Her last message was even "well we'll see when RSVPs are in when there's room."

There may be room, yes, but we don't want a stranger when we had close friends we couldn't even invite due to size/money, and when I'm insulted I'm clearly not as important as the new beau.

Help!

Your friend's BOYFRIEND absolutely should have been invited. DH and I met in August and were engaged by December; 'a month or so' into our relationship, we were already talking marriage. You don't get to judge the seriousness of their relationship, your etiquette googling was wrong.

princessjessixo said:
Suggest meeting the bf, that way she knows you're making an effort and not just treating he like a flavour of the month. If she is that important to you and she's serious about the guy, it might be less of a headache to include him. But if you get the vibe that he isn't making it to the change of season, keep him off the list, you want those special to you at your day, not strangers

I have given plus ones as a nicety, and because we are sending invites mega early (a lot of service industry staff invited and a prime summer weekend) if friends are not going to use their plus ones for significant others, or someone who the FI and I know, then the men (we have a very male heavy group of friends) have been told that we would appreciate them replying without a plus one so a few of our friends we would like to invite but can't because of current numbers, can be invited. We couldn't draw the line as our group of friends is large and about 2/3 are in relationships. So we decided the extra 14 people won't kill us (totally in budget)

At the end of the day it's your wedding and your choice.

Inviting people after declined have come in is called B-listing and it's rude. Either invite everyone all at once or accept that you can't invite everyone you would like, but don't treat some of your guests as second-best.

SGJames519 · March 2014

We have a similar situation. Unfortunately it is with sections of family who cannot sit nicely in the same building (not even across aisles in a church)! We have been vague on our date with them and for the past few months have suggested that it will be a very small affair. To soothe burns we add that once we're wed we will take the celebration on the road and through the year have more intimate gatherings (dinners/bbqs) with groups who do get along. The best reason we stand behind is that this way we can spend more time socializing and celebrating with each group of guests and the overall experience will be more enjoyable for everyone! Plus we have a whole spaced-out year of visits.

grumbledore · March 2014

laurahubb said:

My close friend didn't have a plus one on her invite because she's going to know almost everyone there and has only been with her boyfriend a month or so, so my etiquette googling and checking with friends tells me that was okay to not give her one.

She's being EXTREMELY pushy: I've tried everything...small venue...money...wanting time to celebrate with her...etc. etc. She won't even get ready the day of with us anymore because she wants to spend time with him.

Her last message was even "well we'll see when RSVPs are in when there's room."

There may be room, yes, but we don't want a stranger when we had close friends we couldn't even invite due to size/money, and when I'm insulted I'm clearly not as important as the new beau.

Help!

It sounds like you are in the wrong here, not your friend. If she was with this person when invites were mailed out, then you messed up and you need to extend the invitation to him.

marladanny37 · March 2014

So glad you posted this question! My fiance and I are in the same boat. We wanted a small wedding but because both of us have huge families, it's nearly impossible. I've been able to bring down the list from 207 (which is what my sister had at her wedding a year and a half ago) to 185, but we would still love to bring it down to around 170. It's so difficult getting my family to understand what a "small wedding" consists of!

Thanks for all the great responses to give people when they pester about not being invited! I've already gotten the "oh I can't wait to go to your wedding!" or people from out of town saying "I'll have to come visit for the wedding!" from people who were not even on the guest list to begin with!!

Good luck to all of you and remember, this is your special day with your loved ones, so invite who you want to see celebrating on your special day with you in those pictures and videos years from now!!

Lettao · March 2014

I am already married going on ten years, my husband and I didn't have a wedding wedding. We are renewing our vows next year. Here is what I have to say about this subject. We invited people based on the budget, venue, and size of wedding we decided on. Don't be offended that you will not physically sharing in our joy on this date but there will be other occasions that you will be invited to. As far as the plus ones, there is assigned seating so unfortunately there will not be room for those not on the guest list. Thank you though for attending the ceremony. I have come to realize if I lose a friend or two then we really weren't friends, as far as family they will get over it, if they don't that's there fault. I'm not losing sleep. Not to sound cold but I refuse to let people ruin any day I get live.

Lettao · March 2014

If the answer is no, then it's a no. Plain and simple. She will get over it.

RebeccaB88 · March 2014

laurahubb said:

My close friend didn't have a plus one on her invite because she's going to know almost everyone there and has only been with her boyfriend a month or so, so my etiquette googling and checking with friends tells me that was okay to not give her one.

She's being EXTREMELY pushy: I've tried everything...small venue...money...wanting time to celebrate with her...etc. etc. She won't even get ready the day of with us anymore because she wants to spend time with him.

Her last message was even "well we'll see when RSVPs are in when there's room."

There may be room, yes, but we don't want a stranger when we had close friends we couldn't even invite due to size/money, and when I'm insulted I'm clearly not as important as the new beau.

Help!

WTF is your problem? Of course he should be included. He's not a plus one. He's her boyfriend. She shouldn't have to be pushy - YOU should be nicer to them both and welcome him to attend.

VJ2014 · March 2014

It's your wedding, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. Don't listen to all the people who say her boyfriend should be invited. I think you're only 'required' if they live together. The seriousness of their relationship doesn't matter. You don't even know him, he doesn't need an invite.

When you look back at pictures in ten years, you want it to be people you care about, not people you were strong-armed into inviting.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

VJ2014 said:

It's your wedding, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. Don't listen to all the people who say her boyfriend should be invited. I think you're only 'required' if they live together. The seriousness of their relationship doesn't matter. You don't even know him, he doesn't need an invite.
When you look back at pictures in ten years, you want it to be people you care about, not people you were strong-armed into inviting.

FFS, do people not care about their friends? If you are inviting someone to celebrate your love, why wouldn't you invite their love? Your right the seriousness of their relationship doesn't matter, they should be invited anyways. Why wouldn't you want those closest to you to celebrate with their nearest and dearest.

kitty8403 · March 2014

Seems like there's been a pretty good threadjack here.
Re the OP's question: When asked, if the bean dip technique just is not working for some reason (small towns, anybody?!), I'll make a point of sharing minimal details. X month. X "weekend" (not a specific date). X geographical area. "I dont know" or "We havent decided yet" to most other queries. Thus far, I haven't felt the need to be more blunt than that.

Re boyfriends: If it's a boyfriend, invite, OK? If the relationship turns serious, you'll end up wishing you'd chosen to be inclusive. If it doesn't, oh well. He won't be in any major photos, and you'll at least have prioritized the relationship with your friend. If you invite adult singles, IMO, you should budget for the possibility that those individuals could all be in legitimate relationships by the time your wedding rolls around. On my planning sheet, I count each "single" as two people until I hear otherwise. (Yes, that sucks if you have a small venue--so be selective about your venue!)

grumbledore · March 2014

VJ2014 said:

It's your wedding, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. Don't listen to all the people who say her boyfriend should be invited. I think you're only 'required' if they live together. The seriousness of their relationship doesn't matter. You don't even know him, he doesn't need an invite.
When you look back at pictures in ten years, you want it to be people you care about, not people you were strong-armed into inviting.

Please go crawl back into whatever hole you came out of. Why would you post incorrect advice on an Etiquette board? FFS.

climbingsingle · March 2014

VJ2014 said:

It's your wedding, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. Don't listen to all the people who say her boyfriend should be invited. I think you're only 'required' if they live together. The seriousness of their relationship doesn't matter. You don't even know him, he doesn't need an invite.
When you look back at pictures in ten years, you want it to be people you care about, not people you were strong-armed into inviting.

Hahahahahaha! I seriously can't stop laughing at this. Honey, you're on the etiquette board and you are giving wrong/terrible advice. Please stop.

It's really not that complicated, people. If your guest has a boyfriend, you invite the guest to attend with the boyfriend. The boyfriend is not a "plus-one". You don't judge the validity of people's relationships. If they consider themselves in a relationship, you invite their significant other.

How to politely tell people they are not invited to the wedding?

Re: How to politely tell people they are not invited to the wedding?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards