RSVP Date

JoanE2012 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

The venue is NOT more important than family. Don't put words in my mouth. The cost of the venue was important, which we obtained for $300. All of the other venues in our area were 10x that amount. So, yes, that was a BIG factor in the size of the guest list but not the most important.

And yes, I am trying to justify my choices, because I feel like I need to defend myself. I'm not asking for your approval or your opinion on how I handle who I invite and how I invite, I asked about the date.

I accept the fact that you believe B-listing is rude, but I'm not sending out invites in tiers. I'm writing the invitations all together and sending them out as a whole. I'm "B-listing" a document on my computer in a tiered form of who is most important to be there - aka family and friends. I stated above that my B-list was extended family and coworkers. If you barely knew someone you worked with, would you want to invite them, or would you simply invite them out of obligation?

I'm sorry I even said anything about "inviting more people should there be room." I realized today that I forgot someone in my family on my original list of whom to invite. She's my grandmother's cousin, my oldest living relative - I guess that makes me a horrible person for forgetting, but I realized that she is someone I should have there. So, she's now a priority which means someone has to get cut. Did any of you cut people from your wedding, or did you invite the whole town and go bankrupt getting married?

I'm not listening to people who attack me that don't know me. I naively asked for opinions because I wanted to weigh my options. I do realize my RSVP date is too soon but the invites are already printed, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. I don't need to spend time explaining to people I don't know what I mean because they don't understand what I mean and are jumping to conclusions. I honestly feel like I need to take photos of what I'm doing and show them all to you to prove that I'm not some self-centered jerk who has no care of people's feelings. That's the whole reason I'm trying to oblige to include family, which I guess you're all telling me - "Care about people's feelings but don't invite people that you don't want there because it's your wedding, but invite everyone because if you don't you look like a jerk." No?

To your question "did you cut people or invite the whole town".....here's what we did. We got engaged. We determined our budget. We determined our guest list (ONE guest list). We didn't invite coworkers we barely knew or anyone, for that matter, out of obligation. Then, we found a venue that fit our budget for the number of guests we were going to invite. When we had RSVP declines, we didn't add additional people. When our wedding was postponed due to a hurricane and 15 more people couldn't attend the new date, we didn't add additional people. That's it. Pretty simple.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

All I mean by A-list and B-list is that A-list are the invitations that get written on first - our immediate family, wedding party, etc. - B-list are our cousins and coworkers. All invitations will be sent at the same time. It was just a way for me to organize my thoughts, not tier invitations. I misspoke in the beginning of the message.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

And we aren't adding people. I was overwhelmed and needed consolation that I wasn't getting from family so I looked to the internet. Mistake, I learned. We have gone through our entire list of people whom we want to invite and have written on half of the invitations (just so that they are done). Should every single person we have on our list say yes, then everyone we want at our wedding will be there, we will be within space allowance for number of people, and no one will be hurt. I jumped the gun and freaked out which has been done before.

theartistformerlyknownas · March 2014

It's really important to understand that on these boards, people need to try and get the most accurate information to you as concisely as possible. Can it be blunt? Sure. But that doesn't mean it's rude or mean-spirited. Nobody said "you're an idiot for thinking x y and z." They said "this is considered rude/in poor taste/offensive," which is accurate. And tone can be really hard to judge in written form so don't overreact when something comes off harsh. Nobody's here to be mean, they're here to help, and sometimes that requires bluntness.

I tiered my invitations the same way - the "must invites" of immediate family and close friends, the "see if we're still close in a few months" like the coworkers at my new job, and old friends that we may fall further out of touch with, and extended family we never see. But the total including ALL of those was our 250 max. Our invites won't go out until June, so we can still say "eh those coworkers from 2 jobs ago, I don't really talk to them anymore, let's remove them" but all decisions will be locked in the second those invites hit the mailbox, and we're not adding anyone that will put us over 250 (despite the venue holding 300), or adding anyone after those invites go out.

I get that you're excited to know who's coming to your wedding... but honestly, that doesn't matter. Everyone in your life just CAN'T be expected to plan that far in advance for "your special day," and you shouldn't hold that against them. What if someone gets pregnant, divorced, married, loses a job, moves away, wins a vacation on Wheel of Fortune? You can't account for everything, and unfortunately it's often easier to just say "no" when forced to make a decision that early than it is to rearrange all future plans to lock down someone else's wedding date.

KatWAG · March 2014

What a typical newbie.

@violingurl1999 your plans are rude. Everyone is excite for their wedding. But I think what you need to understand is that NO ONE is as excited about your wedding as you are. Sending invites out 4 months early, just because you are excited, is ridiculous. You sound like Varuca Salt "I want it now!"

B listing is just plain rude. Just dont invite your cousins. It doesnt sounds like you will miss them anyway. And FWIW, your mom's cousins are not your immediate family.

whitjoy · March 2014

@KatWAG She already said she was sorry and that she wasn't going to B list. Why are you stirring the pot?

KatWAG · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

All I mean by A-list and B-list is that A-list are the invitations that get written on first - our immediate family, wedding party, etc. - B-list are our cousins and coworkers. All invitations will be sent at the same time. It was just a way for me to organize my thoughts, not tier invitations. I misspoke in the beginning of the message.

violingurl1999 said:

@JoanE2012 I've already stated why I want such an early response. I'm excited for my wedding and to learn who will be coming. I'm also eager to get the guest list finalized.

As for the A-list/B-list… again, I stated above that those on the B-list include cousins, extended family and coworkers. The A-list are people, like our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles (which, mind you, I have 20 people, alone for that) - the B-list invites are NOT people who I don't consider good enough, rather people that I am trying to make room for. Everyone who knows about our wedding is understanding of the fact that it's small, so I'm pretty sure that my coworker, whom I've only known for seven months, isn't going to be upset that I chose to invite my friend of 10 years over her.

And I have been a B-list invite, I've also been an A-list invite. It doesn't matter to me. If I get invited and I can go, I go. I don't care if it was last minute or barely there. Clearly, that person thought enough about me to include me period. I think being invited to a wedding is a honor not a way to get gifts or to invite the masses.

And (for some reason this wouldnt quote) "We aren't going to send out more invites than we have or more invites than the space can fit, and we're considering placing a sticky note that says, "Pre-emptive RSVP date, but please, please let us know before October."

All of this sounds like a B list to me @whitjoy. Just becasue she might not invite more people than her venue can hold doesnt mean that she isnt waiting for a decline. And then sending out another invite. Which is B listing.

whitjoy · March 2014

"All invitations will be sent at the same time. It was just a way for me to organize my thoughts, not tier invitations"

Drucila616 · March 2014

violingurl1999 I came to your thread because I had some of the same questions so I was curious about the answers and am sorry that some of the responses you got were harsh. As I went through my lists I started out with a B-list as well of people that I wanted to invite (or were told I should) but I didn't know if I could afford that large of a wedding. Eventually I managed to get everyone into one final list knowing that there is still about 10% or more of these people that will decline. I'm personally looking to try to send my invites out a little earlier than recommended because I would like my rsvps back before school starts if possible since I'm a teacher and want to get my seating chart done before lesson planning starts lol. My worries were about people rsvping yes then finding out they can't come. I can't afford to pay for people that can't come as we have a tiny budget. What it boils down to though is that it is your wedding. Not any of ours and if you feel you have reasoning to need to send them out earlier than recommended than do that just make sure its not too early. There is no right or wrong for your wedding. Don't let people make you feel bad or tell you you are wrong because it isn't their wedding.

Drucila616 · March 2014

also all of these harsh comments make me think I will not be asking the community my own questions....

AddieCake · March 2014

Drucila616 said:

also all of these harsh comments make me think I will not be asking the community my own questions....

Ok, then. Good to know.

lyndausvi · March 2014

Drucila616 said:

violingurl1999 I came to your thread because I had some of the same questions so I was curious about the answers and am sorry that some of the responses you got were harsh. As I went through my lists I started out with a B-list as well of people that I wanted to invite (or were told I should) but I didn't know if I could afford that large of a wedding. Eventually I managed to get everyone into one final list knowing that there is still about 10% or more of these people that will decline. I'm personally looking to try to send my invites out a little earlier than recommended because I would like my rsvps back before school starts if possible since I'm a teacher and want to get my seating chart done before lesson planning starts lol. My worries were about people rsvping yes then finding out they can't come. I can't afford to pay for people that can't come as we have a tiny budget. What it boils down to though is that it is your wedding. Not any of ours and if you feel you have reasoning to need to send them out earlier than recommended than do that just make sure its not too early. There is no right or wrong for your wedding. Don't let people make you feel bad or tell you you are wrong because it isn't their wedding.

Most events (wedding or otherwise) have last minute cancellations and/or no shows. It's just what happens when you plan any event. Sure some people don't, but they tend to be the exception then the rule.

The closer to the event date you have the RVSP date the better. It doesn't stop people from RSVPing early, it does recognize that some people's schedules can't let you know too far out or if a last minute hardship pops up there is time to RSVP correctly. Sometimes people think they can't attend, but find out they can because something changes. If the RSVP date as passed they are SOL.

My seating chart took all of 40-50 minutes? Not sure really. I did it over the course of receiving RSVPs. I don't understand the need to have all this extra time to do a seating chart. Most of guests fall into natural table groups. Heck I had the WP and immediate family (25+ people) done before the invites even went out. Randoms took the most time, but even then it wasn't too bad. Couple clicks of the mouse and the seating chart was done. ::shrugs::

JoanE2012 · March 2014

Drucila616 said:

violingurl1999 I came to your thread because I had some of the same questions so I was curious about the answers and am sorry that some of the responses you got were harsh. As I went through my lists I started out with a B-list as well of people that I wanted to invite (or were told I should) but I didn't know if I could afford that large of a wedding. Eventually I managed to get everyone into one final list knowing that there is still about 10% or more of these people that will decline. I'm personally looking to try to send my invites out a little earlier than recommended because I would like my rsvps back before school starts if possible since I'm a teacher and want to get my seating chart done before lesson planning starts lol. My worries were about people rsvping yes then finding out they can't come. I can't afford to pay for people that can't come as we have a tiny budget. What it boils down to though is that it is your wedding. Not any of ours and if you feel you have reasoning to need to send them out earlier than recommended than do that just make sure its not too early. There is no right or wrong for your wedding. Don't let people make you feel bad or tell you you are wrong because it isn't their wedding.

Seating charts don't take that long. Really. Break it out into groups. Your family, his family, your friends, his friends. Add in coworkers if you're inviting. There are your natural groups to start with. Sure, there will be tweaks needed, but too many people over complicate something that really shouldn't be that difficult or time consuming. As we received the RSVP cards in we started laying them out in piles by tables and tweaked them as needed. It was a piece of cake.

And yes, there are right ways and wrong ways to do weddings. Contrary to popular belief, it's NOT YOUR DAY.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

There are no right or wrong ways, there are just opinions. And if it's not about you on a day where you join your life eternally with someone else's, than whose day is it?

JoanE2012 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

There are no right or wrong ways, there are just opinions. And if it's not about you on a day where you join your life eternally with someone else's, than whose day is it?

The reception is for your guests. It's your way of thanking them for attending your ceremony. If all you care about is yourself, then don't invite any guests and you'll be fine!

violingurl1999 · March 2014

The reception is for you to celebrate your communion WITH your guests. Yes, it's a way about thanking them for coming, but it's also a way to celebrate what just happened. I'm sorry if you think I'm selfish, I think you're rude - I do believe my wedding day is about myself and my fiancé, and we are choosing to spend it with family who can attend. If we eloped or chose to get married at town hall alone, would our wedding then be about the judge who married us? Your obsession with following wedding planning to the absolute tee is a little ridiculous - your wedding is supposed to reflect you as a couple - not be interchangeable with every other wedding. That's like saying a birthday party is about those who attend, not the person whose birthday is being celebrated…

JoanE2012 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

The reception is for you to celebrate your communion WITH your guests. Yes, it's a way about thanking them for coming, but it's also a way to celebrate what just happened. I'm sorry if you think I'm selfish, I think you're rude - I do believe my wedding day is about myself and my fiancé, and we are choosing to spend it with family who can attend. If we eloped or chose to get married at town hall alone, would our wedding then be about the judge who married us? Your obsession with following wedding planning to the absolute tee is a little ridiculous - your wedding is supposed to reflect you as a couple - not be interchangeable with every other wedding. That's like saying a birthday party is about those who attend, not the person whose birthday is being celebrated…

Oh gosh, you're right! It IS all about YOU! My bad! Do whatever makes you happy! Don't worry about your guests. It's totally YOUR special day! Rock that B-list!

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Jesus, woman. How am I not caring about my guests now? I'm not doing a B-list, so stop dragging up things that aren't relevant. Who is my wedding about if it isn't about my fiancé and me? We're paying for the wedding and inviting the people we love to be apart of it. You are beyond ridiculous. Aren't you already married? Why are you still on a wedding website?

lyndausvi · March 2014

I do not understand why people can't get that it's possible to take care of your guests and the day still be about the couple.

I took care of my guests, yet I felt the day was about us. I'm not sure how I could have enjoyed my day knowing the people I invited to come to our wedding where not being taken care of. Hell I even made sure the tent guys who had to give up their Sat night to make sure our tent didn't come down were fed.

Meh, maybe I'm a weird host.

::shrugs::

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Everyone who is involved with, attending, near, apart of, thinking of, etc. will receive a hug, a thank you, my sincerity in how happy I am that they were there to celebrate my wedding. I just don't understand @JoanE2012….

dolewhipper · March 2014

Hey violingurl1999. I think you got all the answers you needed. However, keep in mind that just because you live in a tourist town doesn't justify what you're doing. I live in the same city as the world's #1 theme park and will be having my RSVP deadline 10 days before my wedding. I will be sending my invites 2 months out.

I have a large family, and although I will be having a larger wedding my sister did not. She had a $3k wedding with 45 people and did not invite any cousins or second aunts/uncles. I understand a large family-have the wedding you want and can afford but not to the expense of your guests. Even with RSVPs that far out you will get people changing their answer, which can result in money lost (and no one likes that!)

AddieCake · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:

Aren't you already married? Why are you still on a wedding website?

So the blind won't be leading the blind. I do not understand why newbs are always asking this and can't grasp why married people stick around here. Would you seek pregnancy advice from someone who has never had a baby?

violingurl1999 · March 2014

I don't appreciate being called a "newb." I appreciate advice from people who are willing to kindly give it. I don't like the tones and attitudes that come across on these websites. I've noticed two other women recently who have had the same experience. I understand keeping an account and wanting to be helpful but I don't understand the way it is done.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:
I don't appreciate being called a "newb." I appreciate advice from people who are willing to kindly give it. I don't like the tones and attitudes that come across on these websites. I've noticed two other women recently who have had the same experience. I understand keeping an account and wanting to be helpful but I don't understand the way it is done.

How long have you been on these boards and actually posted? If you only started to post recently and have very few replies/discussions then you are considered a newb. It is not a bad term it just describes that you are new to the boards.

As for tones and attitudes. Those are things you are inferring when you read the replies. It is hard to convey tone through words. You really have no idea how that person will speak what they wrote. So what you may take as having a bad tone or attitude, if you heard it said in person by the poster it may sound completely different. This is why you have to take what is written at face value rather then under a certain tone.

Finally certain posters have certain ways they post. For me I don't beat around the bush or sugar coat things. Many times newbs take that as me being bitchy and rude. But that is how I like to receive advice so that is how I give it. I am not going to fluff it up with rainbows and puppies. I am going to tell you the truth whether you really want to hear it or not. If you don't like how certain posters write things or give advice then simply ignore them.

Welcome to the internet and the world of not liking everything you read and you have zero control over it. If complete strangers on a wedding forum upset you that much then the internet may not be for you.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

I understand being new at something and I know the term "newbie" in internet language. I also comprehend the fact that I do not know any of you or how you speak in person. Which is why the way you word things in an online public forum is crucial. You had me until the last two sentences. That's what I mean by a tone I don't appreciate.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:
I understand being new at something and I know the term "newbie" in internet language. I also comprehend the fact that I do not know any of you or how you speak in person. Which is why the way you word things in an online public forum is crucial. You had me until the last two sentences. That's what I mean by a tone I don't appreciate.

But my last two sentences were truthful. Some people can't handle what is said and how it is said on the internet. And I can tell you that the way I word things on here is exactly how I would word them in real life. No bullshit and straight forward.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

I am ignoring people who I don't agree with or what they say, but when you say that X is the "truth" or the correct answer, they are your opinions, not fact. I appreciate the advice and approaches of people I don't know for ideas and solutions I may not have thought of, but when I am told I am flat-out wrong, end of discussion, I feel a little defensive.

And as for tone… here is an example of how tone is conceived. The words in capslock and all the exclamations don't indicate sarcasm and attitude to you?

"Oh gosh, you're right! It IS all about YOU! My bad! Do whatever makes you happy! Don't worry about your guests. It's totally YOUR special day! Rock that B-list!"

violingurl1999 · March 2014

And @Maggie0829 you are correct - the internet can be harsh - but I don't understand how the internet excuses lack of courtesy and respect. Would you speak to someone you didn't know in person who randomly asked, "Hey, you have a ring on your left finger. I assume you are married. Can you give me an opinion on X, Y, and Z?" I mean, I wouldn't flat out tell a stranger, especially since I don't know how they would respond, "Yes, I can. Your idea is horribly thought out." I would approach it a little differently and treat them how I would want to be treated. You stated that you wouldn't want things sugar coated, but then again, not everyone likes that approach. I can respect your desire for how you would like a response but I wouldn't give you a response like that until I knew that was how you needed to be told.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

violingurl1999 said:
I am ignoring people who I don't agree with or what they say, but when you say that X is the "truth" or the correct answer, they are your opinions, not fact. I appreciate the advice and approaches of people I don't know for ideas and solutions I may not have thought of, but when I am told I am flat-out wrong, end of discussion, I feel a little defensive.

And as for tone… here is an example of how tone is conceived. The words in capslock and all the exclamations don't indicate sarcasm and attitude to you?

"Oh gosh, you're right! It IS all about YOU! My bad! Do whatever makes you happy! Don't worry about your guests. It's totally YOUR special day! Rock that B-list!"

In the context of this thread since I went back and found that quote and what it was talking towards, yes it does infer sarcasm. And that is exactly what that poster was going for which is why it is so easy to tell the tone of the post.

But the posts I am talking about are posters who are giving you advice and saying "doing x, y and z would be rude and you shouldn't do that." That type of post isn't rude unless you decide to infer a nasty tone.

Also, yes everything talked about on here are opinions but when many people have the same opinion, one may need to take a step back and reevaluate their plans when a majority of others that have no investment whatsoever in your wedding aren't agreeing with your plans.

violingurl1999 · March 2014

Originally, I started this post because my mother got in my head and made me second guess. Something she is great at doing, also something I have been working on ignoring and trusting my gut. I had another friend suggest that perhaps I should reconsider my original choice, so I turned to the internet because I was giving my mother the benefit of the doubt thinking, "Oh, goodness, maybe she's right." After I posted the question, I was able to talk with other friends in person who said their opinions which agreed with mine so I really was back to the beginning.

In hindsight, I second-guessed, I got opinions, I thought about it and came to a conclusion. Things are okay. I'm still here gabbing because I'm one of those people who don't like being misunderstood and want to ensure the situation is settled and alright. I'm also attempting to come to the aid of other woman who I've noticed have not taken to the tones, inflections, attitudes, what have you that exist in these boards. Again, I appreciate a thought different than mine which encourages me to think, but I sit here wondering if those opinions and thoughts could be given differently so that conversations like the one we're having don't happen. That people are understood the first time around and no feelings are hurt during a time in ones life that is supposed to be insanely happy and exciting.

As for my own wedding, the people in my life, outside of the Negative Nancys in my family, show enthusiasm for the plans my fiancé and I share with them. I think, sometimes, especially for when I started this thread, I, like others, was in the heat of a moment and worded things in a way that didn't come across as successfully as I wanted. The responses I got I could have quite possibly read in a way that made them seem more heightened than they were intended but I took them hurtfully.

Weddings bring out the best and the worst in people as I've noticed, and usually put more stress than necessary on the bride, which is just plain silly. At the end of the day, a beautiful thing happened and that should be the only focus.

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