Am I just being a B?

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

Sooooo FI's cousin is getting married in late June... aaaand we just got the invitation. I actually was excited, I thought it would be a thank you card for the gift that we sent them a little while back, and I was excited to see that they had definitely got it.

RSVP by May 1. Fine, I already had to request time off from work anyway. Bonus: We weren't B listed?

There is a 3 hour gap. My FI's response: "AWESOME I'M SO EXCITED TO DO SOME BIKING IN THE AREA!" (Lurkers: If "taking a bike tour of the area" can be listed under "things to do between the ceremony and reception", you might have a gap.)

I was told that it was going to be "super fancy". It starts at 4:30 and the invites aren't making ME think it's super fancy. They have dainty flowers, and somewhat plain paper. I'm thinking cocktail dress for me and tan suit for FI- but I feel we'll get side-eyed for it. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive about that. Plus, it was just to "hikebikebemerry and hikebikebemerry's FI"; no Mr./Ms... this IMHO also makes the event seem less formal. However, it's held at a fairly fancy pants place.

Request on the wedding website that no ladies wear white, as it is reserved for the bride.

The misspelled my last name on the invitation. (Whatev. Shit happens, but seriously... FI and I are both on FB, it wouldn't hurt to check.)

On top of all of this, this part of FI's family can be really obnoxious to my FMIL, who is AWESOME.

This is one of those weddings where I wish that there was a box for "resentfully attend". Or is that my PMS talking?

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Nope, you're not being PMS-y.

(Actually, I'm PMSing, too, so maybe I'm not the right person to weigh in.)

That whole thing sounds like a damn shit show. All of it. I am so sorry for you.

cupcait927 · March 2014

Oh dear god all of that sounds awful. Please go and provide a running commentary so we can resent them with you?

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

At least there won't be a cash bar, so that's a bonus.

It will likely be lovely time. If it's not, I am going to come here and snark on it.. so win-win?

I like people in general, so it makes me feel guilty that pretty much before meeting the bride-to-be (FI is baffled by some of this, apparently Cousin is the chillest one of that family) I am assuming that she's self-centered with a case of too-much-money-itis*.

*I don't care if you're a millionaire or broke.. don't hang it over other people. Your money is your business, not mine.

ETA: I don't want to say that I don't believe my FI, but "chill" is *really* relative for this family. They seem to think that the world revolves around them. Like, other cousin was AN HOUR LATE for her ceremony world revolves around them.

larrygaga · March 2014

My dad calls that affluenza

Danger+Zone · March 2014

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

grumbledore · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

That wasn't what she meant. She meant the invite was addressed: "Susie and Fred..." instead of "Ms. Susie Fartsparkle and Mr. Fred Poopypants" which is 1) improper, but forgiveable and 2) not indicative of an overly formal event.

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

I just just point out that it minimizes the formality of the event.

Also, never said "Mrs.", "Ms." or "Miss" (usually) go before the first name on a formal invitation.

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

grumbledore said:

show previous quotes

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

That wasn't what she meant. She meant the invite was addressed: "Susie and Fred..." instead of "Ms. Susie Fartsparkle and Mr. Fred Poopypants" which is 1) improper, but forgiveable and 2) not indicative of an overly formal event.

@grumbledore, I have the biggest internet crush on you right now.

grumbledore · March 2014

Happy to oblige

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

1. This is the biggest load of horseshit ever. It's always the excuse proffered by people who want to justify their bad etiquette decisions.

2. Given the three-hour gap, they clearly didn't budget their money toward hosting their guests properly.

No one here has ever said that your invites have to be super-expensive or hand-calligraphed or whatever. But we have always, always, ALWAYS said that they need to be addressed properly (i.e., salutations, first names, last names, all of which are spelt correctly) and they need to match the formality of the event.

If DH and I get an invitation that says, 'HisGirl's DH and HisGirl,' rather than, say, 'Mr. and Mrs. DH Surname,' or Mr. DH and Mrs. HisGirl Surname,' I'm going to assume it's a casual event.

Your invitations are the first indication to people of what your event is going to be like in terms of formality. It behooves you to convey a good first impression.

mcgarci2 · March 2014

You have a wedding invite already for a wedding in late June??? AND they spelled your name wrong? I just don't get it. The people on this planet with an ounce of etiquette are slowly dying off.

climbingsingle · March 2014

That sounds like a whole lot of tacky!

STARMOON44 · March 2014

Since this is the snarky board, tan suit?!? Dear god no. Unless you are somewhere tropical no adult man should ever wear a tan suit. If the occasion is formal enough for a suit, it's too formal for tan.

QueerFemme · March 2014

I don't understand why anyone "resentfully attends" anything. Why not just skip it?

kitty8403 · March 2014

Honestly, ours is early July. I have STDs out but we don't even have invitations ORDERED yet. I know that sounds bad, but A. We've both been sick for nearly 3 weeks, B. we're self-employed and it's tax season, C. We're busting ass as much as we can before hitting his slow season, and D., we just bought a house, so MOVING is taking priority. (Plus I didn't have an address to print!)

Just a thought that the bride really may not have intended to B-list you. She might just be running behind schedule.

As for the rest of it--yup. Sounds like a mess.

Danger+Zone · March 2014

I was just saying that it's their wedding and it may not be to your standards, but that's not your issue. I felt like OP was grasping at things to be offended about. Not that she was offended, but annoyed. This thread is titled, "Am I just being a B?" and I was just saying, "Yeah, a little bit." lol

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

STARMOON44 said:

Since this is the snarky board, tan suit?!? Dear god no. Unless you are somewhere tropical no adult man should ever wear a tan suit. If the occasion is formal enough for a suit, it's too formal for tan.

Yeah, no.

OP, from what you described, it sounds like they are just trying to make sure everyone dresses up so that their "pictures aren't ruined." Does your family normally throw true black tie weddings? Because that is the only time I'd wear a floor length gown to a formal or fancy pants, as you said ;-) wedding.

If I were you, OP, I would roll my eyes hard at everything so far, wear a cocktail dress I already own or use this as an excuse to rent one from Rent the Runway.

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

For the record, I fail at knowing what color tan is. I was thinking it was a darker brown than it was.. FI does not own a tan suit, he owns a brown-grey suit, and that's what I was thinking.

Clearly I'm going to go and not be a bitch about it. I'm sure that I will have a lovely time.

jenna8984 · March 2014

Sooooo is your FI going to be all sweaty at the reception from his bike tour? lol That'd be great!

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

@jenna8984-

He suggested wearing our biking clothes UNDER what we are wearing to the ceremony, so we can maximize biking time. (Perhaps he can get a tuxedo biking shirt to wear to the ceremony?)

I suggested finding somewhere for cocktails.

mysticl · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

show previous quotes

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

1. This is the biggest load of horseshit ever. It's always the excuse proffered by people who want to justify their bad etiquette decisions.

2. Given the three-hour gap, they clearly didn't budget their money toward hosting their guests properly.

No one here has ever said that your invites have to be super-expensive or hand-calligraphed or whatever. But we have always, always, ALWAYS said that they need to be addressed properly (i.e., salutations, first names, last names, all of which are spelt correctly) and they need to match the formality of the event.

If DH and I get an invitation that says, 'HisGirl's DH and HisGirl,' rather than, say, 'Mr. and Mrs. DH Surname,' or Mr. DH and Mrs. HisGirl Surname,' I'm going to assume it's a casual event.

Your invitations are the first indication to people of what your event is going to be like in terms of formality. It behooves you to convey a good first impression.

I never heard of this before coming to the knot. So it stands to reason that other people have not heard of it either. I always figured invites were based on what the couple liked and were to give me concrete information (date, time, location), not subtly hint at what I'm supposed to wear.

wrigleyville · March 2014

Is the ceremony at 4:30 or the reception?

If the ceremony starts at 4:30 and they have a three-hour gap, I'd use that time to eat some dinner since it sounds like they're probably going to skip that. One would HOPE they'd serve dinner at 8:00, but from the sounds of it, it might be a cocktail/dessert reception.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

mysticl said:
show previous quotes

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

1. This is the biggest load of horseshit ever. It's always the excuse proffered by people who want to justify their bad etiquette decisions.

2. Given the three-hour gap, they clearly didn't budget their money toward hosting their guests properly.

No one here has ever said that your invites have to be super-expensive or hand-calligraphed or whatever. But we have always, always, ALWAYS said that they need to be addressed properly (i.e., salutations, first names, last names, all of which are spelt correctly) and they need to match the formality of the event.

If DH and I get an invitation that says, 'HisGirl's DH and HisGirl,' rather than, say, 'Mr. and Mrs. DH Surname,' or Mr. DH and Mrs. HisGirl Surname,' I'm going to assume it's a casual event.

Your invitations are the first indication to people of what your event is going to be like in terms of formality. It behooves you to convey a good first impression.

I never heard of this before coming to the knot. So it stands to reason that other people have not heard of it either. I always figured invites were based on what the couple liked and were to give me concrete information (date, time, location), not subtly hint at what I'm supposed to wear.

You needed the Knot to tell you you should spell your guests' names correctly on your invitations?

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

wrigleyville said:

Is the ceremony at 4:30 or the reception?

If the ceremony starts at 4:30 and they have a three-hour gap, I'd use that time to eat some dinner since it sounds like they're probably going to skip that. One would HOPE they'd serve dinner at 8:00, but from the sounds of it, it might be a cocktail/dessert reception.

The reception is at 4:30. There was a box to select the dinner option, so I am assuming that there is dinner.

wrigleyville · March 2014

hikebikebemerry said:

show previous quotes

wrigleyville said:

Is the ceremony at 4:30 or the reception?

If the ceremony starts at 4:30 and they have a three-hour gap, I'd use that time to eat some dinner since it sounds like they're probably going to skip that. One would HOPE they'd serve dinner at 8:00, but from the sounds of it, it might be a cocktail/dessert reception.

The reception is at 4:30. There was a box to select the dinner option, so I am assuming that there is dinner.

Ok. That makes me feel a little better. Still, a 2.5-hour gap. Ugh.

APDSS22 · March 2014

mysticl said:

show previous quotes

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

1. This is the biggest load of horseshit ever. It's always the excuse proffered by people who want to justify their bad etiquette decisions.

2. Given the three-hour gap, they clearly didn't budget their money toward hosting their guests properly.

No one here has ever said that your invites have to be super-expensive or hand-calligraphed or whatever. But we have always, always, ALWAYS said that they need to be addressed properly (i.e., salutations, first names, last names, all of which are spelt correctly) and they need to match the formality of the event.

If DH and I get an invitation that says, 'HisGirl's DH and HisGirl,' rather than, say, 'Mr. and Mrs. DH Surname,' or Mr. DH and Mrs. HisGirl Surname,' I'm going to assume it's a casual event.

Your invitations are the first indication to people of what your event is going to be like in terms of formality. It behooves you to convey a good first impression.

I never heard of this before coming to the knot. So it stands to reason that other people have not heard of it either. I always figured invites were based on what the couple liked and were to give me concrete information (date, time, location), not subtly hint at what I'm supposed to wear.

It's more of a common sense thing.

If your wedding is a backyard BBQ, go for something bright, simple and address less formally. ("Sue and JoJo Smithers")

If your wedding is a black tie affair, you need something more formal, less whimsical details, engraving and formal addressing. ("Mr. and Mrs. Johnathan Smithers")

ETA: From there, the guests can decide what they should wear. Either a cotton sundress for the backyard BBQ or a floor length gown for the black tie affair to match the formality of the event.

LAM524 · March 2014

HA! Did he really suggest wearing biking clothes under your ceremony clothes?

I guess you could carry a fanny pack too full of deodorant and perfume for after you break that sweat!

I would def. do the cocktails!

@starmoon...Im with you on the whole tan suit thing! But..did you know there are tan tuxedos? *gasp!

IMHO...ugly as heck!

Danger+Zone · March 2014

show previous quotes

It's more of a common sense thing.

If your wedding is a backyard BBQ, go for something bright, simple and address less formally. ("Sue and JoJo Smithers")

If your wedding is a black tie affair, you need something more formal, less whimsical details, engraving and formal addressing. ("Mr. and Mrs. Johnathan Smithers")

ETA: From there, the guests can decide what they should wear. Either a cotton sundress for the backyard BBQ or a floor length gown for the black tie affair to match the formality of the event.

I agree that "Mr. and Mrs." is more formal that "Dick and Jane Whatever." I just don't think failing to put "Mr. and Mrs." really correlates to the formality of an entire event.

mysticl · March 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

show previous quotes

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Danger+Zone said:

Do you have any personal reasons for resentfully attending? Otherwise go, dress fancy, and try to enjoy the day. It's their special day. Maybe the invites aren't as fancy, because they budgeted their money to other things. It's not worth over-analyzing. Not calling you Mrs. isn't huge either, I don't think. Mostly because if you aren't married yet, maybe they just wanted to be accurate/proper. They aren't dissing you. You just aren't Mrs yet.

1. This is the biggest load of horseshit ever. It's always the excuse proffered by people who want to justify their bad etiquette decisions.

2. Given the three-hour gap, they clearly didn't budget their money toward hosting their guests properly.

No one here has ever said that your invites have to be super-expensive or hand-calligraphed or whatever. But we have always, always, ALWAYS said that they need to be addressed properly (i.e., salutations, first names, last names, all of which are spelt correctly) and they need to match the formality of the event.

If DH and I get an invitation that says, 'HisGirl's DH and HisGirl,' rather than, say, 'Mr. and Mrs. DH Surname,' or Mr. DH and Mrs. HisGirl Surname,' I'm going to assume it's a casual event.

Your invitations are the first indication to people of what your event is going to be like in terms of formality. It behooves you to convey a good first impression.

I never heard of this before coming to the knot. So it stands to reason that other people have not heard of it either. I always figured invites were based on what the couple liked and were to give me concrete information (date, time, location), not subtly hint at what I'm supposed to wear.
You needed the Knot to tell you you should spell your guests' names correctly on your invitations?

No I do not. However, I had never heard/been taught that the color/type of paper, design, ink color, printing type, dictated a level of formality. I always thought it was personal taste.

As for addressing things I was taught you always address envelopes to Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss/Dr etc. no matter what. So again, I would see the way it was addressed just as the way a person was taught to address things and not automatically an indication of how formal the event was.

APDSS22 · March 2014

Danger+Zone said:

show previous quotes

It's more of a common sense thing.

If your wedding is a backyard BBQ, go for something bright, simple and address less formally. ("Sue and JoJo Smithers")

If your wedding is a black tie affair, you need something more formal, less whimsical details, engraving and formal addressing. ("Mr. and Mrs. Johnathan Smithers")

ETA: From there, the guests can decide what they should wear. Either a cotton sundress for the backyard BBQ or a floor length gown for the black tie affair to match the formality of the event.

I agree that "Mr. and Mrs." is more formal that "Dick and Jane Whatever." I just don't think failing to put "Mr. and Mrs." really correlates to the formality of an entire event.

What I'm saying is if you address your envelopes to "JoJo and Susie", it will be a less formal address. If your invites are confusing in formality or somewhere in the middle no-mans-land of formality (nice typography but brighter color print background, not engraved, etc.) and your venue is also middling could be formal/could be casual depending on decor the guest will assume by how you addressed their envelope that the wedding is less formal. "Well they wouldn't have addressed it with our nicknames if it was supposed to be super fancy..."

Am I just being a B?

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