Person booked non-refundable flight to my wedding, but she is not invited, what do I do?

kgd7357 · March 2014

Background: My dad grew up in Germany and is still very close with four couples (sibilings). Three of the couples have grown kids (all in their twenties) who are not invited. We do not have space, as we are not at fire code, but we are about 10 invitees above what the venue recommends for enough dance floor space. We also don't expect a whole lot of declines. The couples got STDs in October for our June wedding. About a month ago, my dad got a FB message from the 26 y/o daughter of one of couples saying she was excited for the wedding. Uhhh, she is not invited....Turns out the whole family including another daughter (24 y/o) booked flights already. The only non-refundable flight is the 26 y/o who is coming from Canada vs. Germany. They family has asked if they can all come. Invites have not been sent out yet.

Note: Budget is not an issue. Space is.

These are options that have come up, but I'm at a loss for what to do:

1) Just let them all come and address the invite as such. Issue is that the other siblings will not be allowed to bring their adult kids. I don't want to start a chain reaction. Also, the problem is the room is already sooooo packed. And while the fire code allows 40 more people, the dance floor gets cut down, and no way I'm having tables moved to allow dancing.

2) Address the invite to just the parents, and tell them, I need to wait to see how many declines I get to see if we can fit the girls in. I don't really think this is B-listing, since the girls are not invited. It would be more like accomodating.

3) Just say no. And tell them to eat the ticket. Issue here is that I think this would hurt my dad's friendship with them.

4) Allow the daughter(s) to come in the parent's place. Only one of the daughers has the non-refundable ticket.

5) Some other option.

Please help! I'm open to all ideas that will help me deal with this tactfully and also keep my dad's friendship okay while still being able to breath in our venue.

ZiggyZos · March 2014

kgd7357 said:

Background: My dad grew up in Germany and is still very close with four couples (sibilings). Three of the couples have grown kids (all in their twenties) who are not invited. We do not have space, as we are not at fire code, but we are about 10 invitees above what the venue recommends for enough dance floor space. We also don't expect a whole lot of declines. The couples got STDs in October for our June wedding. About a month ago, my dad got a FB message from the 26 y/o daughter of one of couples saying she was excited for the wedding. Uhhh, she is not invited....Turns out the whole family including another daughter (24 y/o) booked flights already. The only non-refundable flight is the 26 y/o who is coming from Canada vs. Germany. They family has asked if they can all come. Invites have not been sent out yet.

Note: Budget is not an issue. Space is.

These are options that have come up, but I'm at a loss for what to do:

1) Just let them all come and address the invite as such. Issue is that the other siblings will not be allowed to bring their adult kids. I don't want to start a chain reaction. Also, the problem is the room is already sooooo packed. And while the fire code allows 40 more people, the dance floor gets cut down, and no way I'm having tables moved to allow dancing.

2) Address the invite to just the parents, and tell them, I need to wait to see how many declines I get to see if we can fit the girls in. I don't really think this is B-listing, since the girls are not invited. It would be more like accomodating.

3) Just say no. And tell them to eat the ticket. Issue here is that I think this would hurt my dad's friendship with them.

4) Allow the daughter(s) to come in the parent's place. Only one of the daughers has the non-refundable ticket.

5) Some other option.

Please help! I'm open to all ideas that will help me deal with this tactfully and also keep my dad's friendship okay while still being able to breath in our venue.

How did your dad respond to the FB message?

kgd7357 · March 2014

He didn't respond and asked my mother to ask me what to do. She did about 2 weeks ago, and I originally said "tough luck, no". Now my dad is too afraid to say that to this girl and STILL hasn't said anything. He did talk to her parent's about 2 weeks ago to get the rest of the story, but didn't give them any final answer. So my parents called me again yesterday asking about some of these other options. This is where I need y'all's help.

ETA: I don't have any problem doing the dirty work myself, and will if I have to, but my parent's have asked me not to.

tesgirl123 · March 2014

How was your STD worded? Was it clearly to only Mr. and Mrs. X? No mention of family or whatever? Was there any miscommunication because of language barrier?

I am leaning towards saying tough luck because it would mean extending invites to all the kids. You drew the line somewhere and it sucks that someone ignored it.

JCbride2015 · March 2014

If budget is not a problem, but space is: I think you apologize profusely for the mistake by your dad, and either you or your dad refunds the non-refundable ticket for the daughter. You don't have to do this, but it might be a way to salvage the friendship.

Honestly I see this on your dad for not letting your know, and on the family for being presumptuous. Etiquette might say technically they should eat the ticket because they presumed they were invited before receiving the invite, but if your dad wants to save the friendship, paying for the ticket might help.

indianaalum · March 2014

This is a super tough call. I don't think I'd have the heart to tell her "no" knowing how expensive flights are across a continent. You wouldn't be wrong to say no, but these circumstances would probably be friendship-ending since it was such an expense. Because of that, I probably wouldn't have the heart to say "no", personally.

Is there anyway to reconfgure the room to give more space? Are we talking about inviting 50 people or 500 to your wedding? The reason I ask is smaller weddings probably have less "wiggle room" on the "decline" numbers compared to inviting a larger number. If you are 10 over out of 500, you will "probably" (though, not definitively) have enough declines to cover it.

Why did you invite 10 more people in the first place? That, in itself, was probably not a good move as you might have a spacing issue even if this didn't happen.

I would probably look into reconfiguring room regardless of what happens with her

Sharpschruter22 · March 2014

JCBride2014 said:
If budget is not a problem, but space is: I think you apologize profusely for the mistake by your dad, and either you or your dad refunds the non-refundable ticket for the daughter. You don't have to do this, but it might be a way to salvage the friendship.

Honestly I see this on your dad for not letting your know, and on the family for being presumptuous. Etiquette might say technically they should eat the ticket because they presumed they were invited before receiving the invite, but if your dad wants to save the friendship, paying for the ticket might help.

The Dad didn't make a mistake...the OP said he has not replied back yet.

Sharpschruter22 · March 2014

shrekspeare said:

Sharpschruter22 said:

JCBride2014 said:
If budget is not a problem, but space is: I think you apologize profusely for the mistake by your dad, and either you or your dad refunds the non-refundable ticket for the daughter. You don't have to do this, but it might be a way to salvage the friendship.

Honestly I see this on your dad for not letting your know, and on the family for being presumptuous. Etiquette might say technically they should eat the ticket because they presumed they were invited before receiving the invite, but if your dad wants to save the friendship, paying for the ticket might help.
The Dad didn't make a mistake...the OP said he has not replied back yet.

"I think the dad not responding was the mistake."

If that's the case, why would they need to refund the ticket?

Yes, it would be a nice thing to do, but I don't think it's necessary based off of her Dad not responding to a message yet.

Edit: Mobile issues in posting.

blabla89 · March 2014

Here's the thing: even though it may have been their fault for assuming children were invited, you are risking damaging the relationship by telling them they can't come. Is that a risk worth taking over two extra guests? If not, then invite them.

STARMOON44 · March 2014

I'd invite them. They're clearly people who are excited to celebrate with you , and for me that's worth way more than more wiggle room on the dance floor. And have dad respond to him and say. "I'm thrilled you're so excited and we can't wait to see all of you. Just as a heads up they're not inviting all the siblings kids because there just isn't space" to hopefully prevent any future mishaps.

phira · March 2014

This really sucks. It sounds like it was entirely a misunderstanding on their part, and not a mis-wording of the save-the-dates.

Because of how expensive the flights are, I would do my best to find room for them at the wedding.

Jen4948 · March 2014

If space is an issue, then you can't invite her. And they shouldn't have assumed she's invited if her name wasn't on the STD.

I'd go with option 3, tactfully: "Unfortunately, it isn't possible for us to include everyone we'd like, and we're not able to extend an invitation to you." Don't mention anything about her eating the cost of her ticket-that's the consequences of her incorrect assumption.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

kgd7357 said:

Background: My dad grew up in Germany and is still very close with four couples (sibilings). Three of the couples have grown kids (all in their twenties) who are not invited. We do not have space, as we are not at fire code, but we are about 10 invitees above what the venue recommends for enough dance floor space. We also don't expect a whole lot of declines. The couples got STDs in October for our June wedding. About a month ago, my dad got a FB message from the 26 y/o daughter of one of couples saying she was excited for the wedding. Uhhh, she is not invited....Turns out the whole family including another daughter (24 y/o) booked flights already. The only non-refundable flight is the 26 y/o who is coming from Canada vs. Germany. They family has asked if they can all come. Invites have not been sent out yet.

Note: Budget is not an issue. Space is.

These are options that have come up, but I'm at a loss for what to do:

1) Just let them all come and address the invite as such. Issue is that the other siblings will not be allowed to bring their adult kids. I don't want to start a chain reaction. Also, the problem is the room is already sooooo packed. And while the fire code allows 40 more people, the dance floor gets cut down, and no way I'm having tables moved to allow dancing.

2) Address the invite to just the parents, and tell them, I need to wait to see how many declines I get to see if we can fit the girls in. I don't really think this is B-listing, since the girls are not invited. It would be more like accomodating.

3) Just say no. And tell them to eat the ticket. Issue here is that I think this would hurt my dad's friendship with them.

4) Allow the daughter(s) to come in the parent's place. Only one of the daughers has the non-refundable ticket.

5) Some other option.

Please help! I'm open to all ideas that will help me deal with this tactfully and also keep my dad's friendship okay while still being able to breath in our venue.

First bold: This is a valid point and concern.

Second bold: This is all on them. They should NEVER have booked tickets assuming their children were invited.

Third bold: This is so incredibly tacky, I don't even know what to say to it. 'Hi, we were rude and just assumed that our two grown children were invited, even though they didn't get a STDate and their names weren't included on ours.' Uhm...no.

Fourth bold: This is valid. There was commentary recently on another thread about how the 'fire code' number might be 95, but the 'fits comfortably number' is like 46.

With all of that being said, I think you need to figure out if this is a hill you want to die on. Your choices are:

1. Say, 'I'm so sorry for the mis-communication, but your daughters weren't invited and we do not have the space to accommodate them.'

The problem with this is that it might damage their relationship with your father.

2. Let the daughters come, hoping you'll get two declines, and let your father deal with the fallout with the three other (polite) couples who didn't add on their uninvited children.

The problem with this is that they're siblings, not just friends, so it's going to be more likely to cause hurt feelings -- the aunts and uncles are going to say, 'Why did Nieces get to come and our kids didn't?' Or worse, the siblings are going to be discussing this amongst themselves and the couple whose kids bought the tickets are going to say, 'Oh, but our kids are coming!' and then the other siblings will assume their kids can come, too -- the chain reaction you so rightly dread.

3. Do a quasi-B-list and tell the parents, 'Unfortunately, we weren't able to invite everyone we would have liked, but if we have declines, we'll let you know so your daughters can come.'

The problem with this is that it might also damage their relationship with your father.

If this is a hill you want to die on, you have the etiquette moral high ground to do it. And part of it depends on who's paying -- if your parents are paying and they want these people to be accommodated, then I think you need to give them that. But if you and FI are paying for it entirely yourselves, then what your parents think and want matters less.

I don't think you can sub the daughters for the parents unless the parents have already indicated that they won't be attending. In that case, I would let the substitution go through. Just don't suggest it to them if they haven't already suggested it.

phira · March 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 -- DEFINITELY great advice. I do think that a B-list might actually be the best option in this situation, since it's in response to already rude behavior, so it's less important to avoid offending people. If that makes any sense. I don't normally like justifying a B-list.

Cookie Pusher · March 2014

Even had the OPs father responded right away, the flight booked from Canada was already non-refundable - replying or not wouldn't change that. Unfortunately, you already invited more people than you should have but there isn't anything that can be done about that. You would not be out of line to tell this couple that their adult children were not included in the invitation, and that your venue capacity limits means you unfortunately cannot extend invitations to them despite the fact they already bought tickets. You can also extend invitations to these two people, but be prepared that the adult children of the other couples will also expect to be invited.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

Just to get the story right. There are 3 sets of siblings/SOs that are friends with OP's dad. All three sets are parents to adult children. One set's adult children already bought tickets, one of which is non-refundable. You want to make sure the other adult children don't do the same thing.

My advice would be to call the set of parents of the girls that have already pre-booked their flights. Explain that the STD and invitation was only supposed to be for mom & dad, not the adult children. Tell them that due to the space of the venue, not all people could be invited. But since the girls already purchased their tickets, space will be made for them (or tell them they can't be accomodated until a certain amount of no responses).

I would also ask your dad to call the other siblings/SOs sets to let them know the adult children won't be invited, so that this doesn't expland past the first set of adult children. As bad as it is to tell people they aren't invited, you don't want this to happen any further. He could try this: "Hello friend, when the save the dates were sent out, there was a small mix up and I just wanted to make sure that the same doesn't happen to you as well. The invitation will only be for you and spouse, we didn't want your kids to book flights to the wedding thinking they would be invited, as unfortunetly we just don't have enought space in the venue. We know how great the expense of flights are and wanted to let you know of this now to hopefully prevent the unnecessary purchase of flights to the US."

MairePoppy · March 2014

I agree that etiquette-wise, you'd be correct to tell these people that their daughter isn't invited. But I'm wishy washy on this. Since she booked non-refundable flight, I'd accommodate her. I wouldn't want to embarrass Dad.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Okay here is what I am thinking. I would call the family up and explain to them that unfortunately the invite was not for their daughters and that you cannot accommodate them at the wedding. However, you would still like to invite the daughters to come and possibly attend the RD (make sure of this with whoever is hosting) and that you would love to set up a reservation for the daughters at a nice restaurant nearby the night of the wedding (you pay for their meal).

I know that you really shouldn't have to shell out money on them for their dumb mistake and assumption, but I agree that just telling them no could really hurt your Dad's relationship with this family and I don't think you want that at all.

I would just take a few options that you get here and speak with your Dad about it and see what he has to say. The longer you wait to deal with this the harder it is going to be to speak with them.

grumbledore · March 2014

If budget is not a problem, but space is: I think you apologize profusely for the mistake by your dad, and either you or your dad refunds the non-refundable ticket for the daughter. You don't have to do this, but it might be a way to salvage the friendship.

Honestly I see this on your dad for not letting your know, and on the family for being presumptuous. Etiquette might say technically they should eat the ticket because they presumed they were invited before receiving the invite, but if your dad wants to save the friendship, paying for the ticket might help.

Whoah, definitely not. Dad should have told them what was up two weeks ago, so that was on him, but the mistake looks like it was entirely theirs. She could still take the trip and just not attend the wedding since she was not invited. No one owes her the cost of the ticket unless she was told she was invited.

JaxInBlue · March 2014

IMO, I'd go for something that combines HisGirl's quasi-b list with Maggie's suggestion that you accommodate them (if you can) at the RD, even though that's usually a no-go, making plans for them at local restaurant if you can't fit them in at the reception.

I definitely agree with PPs that it's on them that the mistake was made and that the non-refundable ticket/international travel aspect of this is what makes it a special circumstance. But that doesn't change that you can't manufacture more space at your venue. Try to fit them in if you can based on the declines you do get, treat them to a nice dinner if you can't. But definitely communicate something to them soon if there's a chance the whole family won't be able to attend the wedding and reception together.

kgd7357 · March 2014

indianaalum said:

Why did you invite 10 more people in the first place? That, in itself, was probably not a good move as you might have a spacing issue even if this didn't happen.

Stuck in Box:

The room is comfortable for 200 with dance floor and two bars. We have 210. The venue says we can put the bars out on the terrace or hallway to make room for 1 extra 10 top each. So 220 is really the max for the room. However, I'd like to have at least 1 if not 2 bars actually in the room and still have space for the dance floor. We were at 190 when STDs went out with about 25 single guests. Turns out a lot guests aren't single anymore. There is a good chance that we will be under 200, but there is some room to reconfigure if we have to.

kitsunegari89 · March 2014

I would just let them come. Screw the dance floor. Not everyone will be dancing. If it's cramped, so be it. I've got way more people at my wedding than I originally wanted because I refused to split up families. Yeah, people who invite themselves to weddings are tacky generally... however, in this instance, refusing to allow them would cause more problems than it solves. Good luck!

tigersgirlgv · March 2014

I agree with the PPs who suggested inviting the daughters to the RD (and morning after brunch if you're having one), but not wedding (unless you end up having space). If they're coming from another country, I'm guessing that they're not just coming for a weekend. Maybe your dad could plan to hang out with the family a couple of other times during their stay. That way they would have a chance to see you and your dad during the trip, without being at the actual wedding.

missnc77 · March 2014

Just because a flight is non-refundable doesn't mean it can't be changed. There is usually a change fee involved ($100-$200 depending on airline), but you can still apply that money elsewhere.

kgd7357 · March 2014

Ok. Thanks for all your responses. I think this is what I'm going to do.

1) Send the invites as planned with only parents on the invites so that all the siblings invites look the same. Hopefully this will stop the chain reaction.

2) Have my dad tell them the exact problem with space, and explain that we will squeeze the girls in; however, we aren't inviting any other non-family kids, so please don't advertise this, and if the siblings ask, please explain the issue. The girls are old enough so that no one else will really know that they came with parents.

3) Cross my fingers and hope that we get at least two declines so we don't have to put both bars in the hall.

A few other notes:

The save the dates had the parents specific names on them (e.g., John and Jane Doe).

My dad is an avoider, but he did not ever indicate to them that they were invited.

220 is the room cap with tables, 200 is the ideal set up max. With the girls we will be at 212.

My family are dancers, so the dance floor is important, we will have to move bars vice cutting dance floor size if we aren't under 200.

I made a big deal about having a close family (aunts, uncles, first cousins) and wedding party only RD, so I can't really add people to that. My dad originally basically wanted to host an extra wedding reception for the RD, ugh. My FILs are paying so I really needed to nix that.

Thank you for all the thoughts.

Jen4948 · March 2014

Sounds like you are doing things the right way.

I've been to receptions where the bar/s were not in the main room, but in a hall, so I'm fine with this.

All the best!

KickAssMOH · March 2014

Just a thought - Did this person book their ticket specifically for your wedding, or do they have other people in the area who they hoped to visit with? You never know unless someone specifically asks. Maybe she's visiting with other friends or relatives while she's there and attending your wedding was just an added bonus?

Maggie0829 · March 2014

Jen4948 said:

Sounds like you are doing things the right way.

I've been to receptions where the bar/s were not in the main room, but in a hall, so I'm fine with this.

All the best!

Same here and no one had a problem with it. It was actually nice because if you wanted to get away from the music all you had to do was go out to the hallway where the bars were.

kgd7357 · March 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Sounds like you are doing things the right way.

I've been to receptions where the bar/s were not in the main room, but in a hall, so I'm fine with this.

All the best!
Same here and no one had a problem with it. It was actually nice because if you wanted to get away from the music all you had to do was go out to the hallway where the bars were.

Hmm, maybe we'll do one in the room and one in the hall anyway. It'll give a little more dance space, and people can hang by the outer bar if they want a breather. There are some little sitting areas out there too.

kgd7357 · March 2014

KickAssMOH said:

Just a thought - Did this person book their ticket specifically for your wedding, or do they have other people in the area who they hoped to visit with? You never know unless someone specifically asks. Maybe she's visiting with other friends or relatives while she's there and attending your wedding was just an added bonus?

Very much just for the wedding. All the people she wanted to see are going to be at the wedding. The whole family did plan to stay in the country for two weeks after for touring, which my poor mother is dreading, since it means they will be decending on her house.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

kgd7357 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Sounds like you are doing things the right way.

I've been to receptions where the bar/s were not in the main room, but in a hall, so I'm fine with this.

All the best!
Same here and no one had a problem with it. It was actually nice because if you wanted to get away from the music all you had to do was go out to the hallway where the bars were.

Hmm, maybe we'll do one in the room and one in the hall anyway. It'll give a little more dance space, and people can hang by the outer bar if they want a breather. There are some little sitting areas out there too.

I think that would be a great idea.

Person booked non-refundable flight to my wedding, but she is not invited, what do I do?

Re: Person booked non-refundable flight to my wedding, but she is not invited, what do I do?

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