For me it isn't about judging how serious a relationship is. It is about drawing a line and applying it evenly. If you are married, engaged, or living together you get invited together. If you are not living together but have been dating longer than my fiance and me (2 years) you each get a single invitation. If you are dating, not living together, and haven't been dating longer than us but we have a relationship with both people in the couple they both get a single invitation. Those were our rules and we are applying them evenly across the guest list. It costs between $50 - $100 per person to attend our wedding so if I wouldn't normally take you out for an expensive meal why would I invite you to my wedding? Why is that a good way to make a guest list but not determine a +1?
Wow, you are a very judgmental and horrible person if that is really how you are drawing the line in the sand when it comes to couples. So glad to know that your relationship sets the precedence on what is and is not serious. Who knew that your relationship was the end all be all to all relationships. Just go away with your shitty advice and shitty thinking. Also it doesn't matter how much you are spending per person. To split up any couple is shitty and cheap.
For me it isn't about judging how serious a relationship is. It is about drawing a line and applying it evenly. If you are married, engaged, or living together you get invited together. If you are not living together but have been dating longer than my fiance and me (2 years) you each get a single invitation. If you are dating, not living together, and haven't been dating longer than us but we have a relationship with both people in the couple they both get a single invitation. Those were our rules and we are applying them evenly across the guest list. It costs between $50 - $100 per person to attend our wedding so if I wouldn't normally take you out for an expensive meal why would I invite you to my wedding? Why is that a good way to make a guest list but not determine a +1?
Gah, I'm paying more than that per person, am still inviting every SO no matter how long they are dating, and my entire cost is less than 10k, which includes my dress and FI Tux, full open bar, the cake, and a plated meal. I don't want to hear how much you are paying per person as your excuse for your rudeness.
Yep, same here. FI has cousins who are dating people now, and we haven't even met them yet. Know how we found out about this?
We found out they are in relationships because we flipping asked them!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Fine, I lied. You want a scientific definition? Here it is, from Britannica.
Etiquette, system of rules and conventions that regulate social and professional behaviour. In any social unit there are accepted rules of behaviour upheld and enforced by legal codes; there are also norms of behaviour mandated by custom and enforced by group pressure. An offender faces no formal trial or sentence for breach of etiquette; the penalty lies in the disapproval of other members of the group. Regardless of its level of material culture, any highly stratified society will possess an etiquette in which every person knows the behaviour expected from him toward others and from others toward himself.
So no, there may not be a published book specifying EXACTLY what to do in EXACTLY every situation, and perhaps the Martha Stewarts of the world should be a little more clear in their definition of social unit. But you have a consortium of people here from all over the world and all walks and stages of life, the majority of whom are saying that it is rude to split apart couples - as defined by the couple, not by you - for social events like weddings. And chances are, statistically speaking, people in your guest lists will agree with this majority opinion. The penalty you will pay is pissing those people off. People who must mean very much to you in order for you to be inviting them to your wedding.
Put it in different scenarios... would you be pissed if your mom didn't invite your boyfriend of 5 years to Thanksgiving dinner, but did invite the guy your sister married on a whim in Vegas last week? Clearly as her husband he should be invited, but what a slap in the face to you!
Think back to at what point in your relationship with your FI you thought "this is the one for me, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together and I'm so excited for him to get to know all the important people in my life." At that moment in your relationship, would you have passed your own significance test? I'm guessing no. So now put yourself in your guests' shoes and think how hurt they will be that you don't think the person they love is significant enough to come with them to "your special day."
I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources. Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from? Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source. Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different. So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other. So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources. Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from? Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source. Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different. So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other. So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
I can't copy and paste but this is from page 152 from Miss Manners guide to a surprisingly dignified wedding:
"Miss Manners is all for inviting couple wedding guests as couples - indeed, there is a new rudeness, which she is trying to stamp out, of inviting only half of an established couple Those who are married, engaged, or otherwise firmly attached must be asked in tandem to social events (as opposed to office gatherings, which are still office gatherings, no matter how many drinks are served). This is not the same as being expected to surrender control of a guest list to the guests themselves."
Doesn't say married, engaged, or living together, it says, or otherwise firmly attached. If someone feels they are firmly attached to their partner, Miss Manners is here to tell you they need to be invited as a couple.
So, there you have it. Straight from Miss Manners, and strangely enough quite different than what @Aroundtheblock stated.
Okay, I understand the whole etiquette thing and all but it is your day and do what makes you happy. As long as you are polite and respectful in explaining you cannot invite their SO because you are broke, but hope they can still at least bring themselves to your wedding I don't see a problem.
I disagree that it is your fault that you chose a venue after finalizing your guest list and now some of your guests are in a relationship. There is a lot that goes into planning a wedding and its easy to overlook some details, but in this case I don't think you did. Besides, where is the consideration on the family member's part who wants to invite someone they just met to your wedding? Especially knowing that you can't pay for them.
Just keep in mind if your guest(s) decline because you can't afford to pay for their date it may hurt your feelings and affect your overall special day. I think spending some time pouring over your finances to discern if there is any possible way you can swing these extra guests might behoove you.
In any case, I hope the rest of your planning goes more smoothly and that in the end your day is magical.
Is this like putting lipstick on a pig? Trying to "prettify" a rude action with flowery language does not change the rudeness factor. It is still rude.
@sarahswenor said, "People will be offended, but if you simply explain to them in a mature manner about the situation, people are usually pretty understanding in the end. But, again, you will get the "but what if?" questions.. and I simply say "then we will cross that bridge when it comes". Then again, my family and friends know I am very blunt and respect my decisions, knowing that I make them for the best possible reasons."
AGAIN, mannerisms and language aside, NOTHING can mask, cover up, or excuse a rude action because (here's that theme again) it's still rude!
I think people need to accept that if you don't invite people with their significant others, people will be upset because they are not invited with their significant others, not because you didn't explain it nicely/convincingly enough.
I am having this same issue right now... It seems a lot of people think that not inviting ones BF or GF is rude... I happen to disagree. In my opinion, if you are living together/ engaged or married, then a +1 is a must.... but if it's just a casual BF/GF thing, I wouldn't concern yourself too much with it. NOW, with that being said.. you MUST MUST MUST plan for additional people, because what was once a casual relationship may become something that is in the +1 criteria by the time the wedding rolls around.
People will be offended, but if you simply explain to them in a mature manner about the situation, people are usually pretty understanding in the end. But, again, you will get the "but what if?" questions.. and I simply say "then we will cross that bridge when it comes". Then again, my family and friends know I am very blunt RUDEand respect my decisions, knowing that I make them for the bestworst, most half-assed possible reasons.
Good luck to you... and remember, regardless of anything.. this is you and your husbands day... so whatever makes you and the people you love the most happy, then follow your heart... but also PLAN
FTFY
To the second bold...if he's your husband, you're not having a wedding, you're having a PPD, which is another whole level of rude.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
I am having this same issue right now... It seems a lot of people think that not inviting ones BF or GF is rude... I happen to disagree. In my opinion, if you are living together/ engaged or married, then a +1 is a must.... but if it's just a casual BF/GF thing, I wouldn't concern yourself too much with it. NOW, with that being said.. you MUST MUST MUST plan for additional people, because what was once a casual relationship may become something that is in the +1 criteria by the time the wedding rolls around.
People will be offended, but if you simply explain to them in a mature manner about the situation, people are usually pretty understanding in the end. But, again, you will get the "but what if?" questions.. and I simply say "then we will cross that bridge when it comes". Then again, my family and friends know I am very blunt and respect my decisions, knowing that I make them for the best possible reasons.
Good luck to you... and remember, regardless of anything.. this is you and your husbands day... so whatever makes you and the people you love the most happy, then follow your heart... but also PLAN
OK, I'll play.
I have been dating my FI for almost 13 years and we have never once lived together during that time. . . are you going to invite us as a couple?
Sorry.......you and your FI?
Normally, being engaged would gain you entry, but that engagement is negated because you don't live together. Because, you know, those are MY rules.
Invite guests' significant others or offer a plus-one to out-of-town guests. It's hard to travel alone, and even if the out-of-town guest isn't attached, it's nice to have a friend with you. Offer them that choice as a courtesy. As for couples, it's a MUST to invite your friends' significant others, even if you don't like them.
I just wanted to add, when your close friends are hurt that they can't come with their boyfriend/girlfriend, please show them your etiquette sources that say you only have to invite married, engaged, living together couples. I'm sure they will totally understand.
Invite guests' significant others or offer a plus-one to out-of-town guests. It's hard to travel alone, and even if the out-of-town guest isn't attached, it's nice to have a friend with you. Offer them that choice as a courtesy. As for couples, it's a MUST to invite your friends' significant others, even if you don't like them.
Well look at that! I'm none etiquette source that lists good advice. So please, make up another excuse as to why it's okay to not invite SOs.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
I just wanted to add, when your close friends are hurt that they can't come with their boyfriend/girlfriend, please show them your etiquette sources that say you only have to invite married, engaged, living together couples. I'm sure they will totally understand.
I think these brides should simply add a cute little insert that explains their "rules of engagement.". They can place it right next to their registry information, attire requirements, and reminder to bring cash. I believe Rule #3, subsection C delineates exactly how long you need to have lived together or been engaged to qualify for an SO invitation. We all know that if someone becomes engaged or moves in together after the formation of the guest list, it still won't count.
Be honest and tell them how it is. I had to do the same thing with my wedding. If we invited everyone we knew +1 this wedding would never happen. My fiance and I are the ONLY people paying for our wedding, hence tight budget. We invited people we love and want to see there. I understand plenty of people will not want to attend a wedding alone. But if family and/or friends decline based on that, they really aren't friends or good family members. This wedding is to celebrate YOUR union and YOUR happiness not their comfort. They can't be alone for 5 hours? You don't have to go by the traditional "Rules." This is 2014 and it's your money and your occasion. I told the few people who did not get a +1 that it may open up later on, but for now it's just you. And hey, if they don't want to go, fine. That means you can invite someone else.
I love how this has become 11 pages of people just repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Other than spouting your opinions and telling everyone to use common sense and being rude to those that have differing opinions from yours or try to provide sources why don't some of you etiquette queens back up your opinions with valid sources. Where is this rule book you all seem to be quoting from? Instead of sitting on your high horses judging everyone else that doesn't agree with you why don't you back up what you are saying with a creditable source. Opinions don't matter because everyone has one and they are all different. So instead of being caddy like we are all back in high school let's act like that adults that we are and show some respect for each other. So please if there are credible sources to back up what you are saying then by all means show me.
So if some of your friends/family find your behavior to be rude as well, do you not care about their opinions? Or how they feel? If they don't say it to your face, but are still upset by it, do you not care about their feelings?
My friend got married last summer, and they limited plus ones to "serious relationships only." Luckily that included my now-FI, since we've been together for 10 years, but it was not clear what the cut-off was. This is a good friend of mine, and no, I would NOT have been understanding if FI had not been invited. It would have hurt me way more than if it were the wedding of an acquaintance.
That being said, a mutual friend of ours was told her boyfriend of 2 months (4 months by the time the wedding occurred) was *not* invited, as it was "serious relationships only." I know she was upset by this -- she was excited about her new relationship, but she didn't say anything about it to the bride. I actually noticed that several times at the wedding she asked people she met how long they'd been together, and knowing her -- she was trying to gauge how many months was considered to be "serious."
My point is, people may be very upset by your decision to give no plus ones to SOs. Go ahead and be rude if you must, but I don't know why you'd want to treat your loved ones so poorly.
For the 5 years that DH and I dated, many of his friends refused to invite me to their weddings. It hurt EVERY TIME. We were stupid then and DH (then boyfriend) would go and I would stay home.
Fast forward to our wedding: all of these rude people were invited because I was not going to be a petty person. However, almost one year in to our marriage and we no longer spend time with all of those couples who chose not to invite me. Why? Because we realized that they were not good friends.
Re: How do I tell people that they don't get a plus one?
We found out they are in relationships because we flipping asked them!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
http://www.etiquettedaily.com/2014/02/excluding-the-other-half-is-it-ok-to-only-invite-one-person-from-a-couple/
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Well look at that! I'm none etiquette source that lists good advice. So please, make up another excuse as to why it's okay to not invite SOs.
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!