Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invite Issue - Bachelorette = Wedding Rant

So my mother and sister (also MOH) have offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I am super excited and so grateful!

There has however become and issue with the guest list. 

One of my sisters good friends lives with my mom and my sister. She is also my brothers ex girlfriend up until last weekend and now they are back on again. I like this girl very much she is sweet and my family loves her. I however did cut her from the guest list at the wedding for two reasons, one she is my brother's ex and the last time she was invited it caused drama with him and his girlfriend at the time and two we have had to cut many people and I am not very close to her. She is 8 years younger than me and although I like her she is just my sister's friend in my eyes. 

I figured when we cut her from the list that if my brother was back together with her she could come, or if my sister (single) is still single and would prefer a female friend to come as her plus one then she could invite her, but she would not an invitation otherwise. 

Well my mom called to ask for my friends information for the planning and then she asked if I mind inviting Bre, because they have been talking about all the plans at home and want her to be included and want my sister to have a friend there. 

The issues are:
1.I know if she comes to the Bach Party I will be obligated to invite her to the wedding.
2.In a selfish way I was hoping my sister would be spending her time with me. I know she is younger, but she is my MOH and I wanted it to be a special time with her. 
3. I wanted a very small group of girls WP, my mother, and 2 other girlfriends. My experience has been more people more drama lol. 

I really don't want to be rude to my mom or the girl, but I really didn't want to invite her either. 
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Re: Invite Issue - Bachelorette = Wedding Rant

  • So tell them no.  Tell them she isn't being invited to the wedding and it would be inappropriate.  Then stand your ground.

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  • Your mom asked if you mind. Be honest; tell her yes, you mind because she's not invited to the wedding and it would be rude to invite her to a pre-wedding party. Throw in that you wanted the party to remain on the smaller side as well. 
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  • So tell them no.  Tell them she isn't being invited to the wedding and it would be inappropriate.  Then stand your ground.

    But as of now, isn't she technically invited to the wedding as her brother's gf?  Really though, I would say that you just wanted it to be your close friends/family/etc.
  • phiraphira member
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    So my mother and sister (also MOH) have offered to throw me a bachelorette party. I am super excited and so grateful!

    There has however become and issue with the guest list. 

    One of my sisters good friends lives with my mom and my sister. She is also my brothers ex girlfriend up until last weekend and now they are back on again. I like this girl very much she is sweet and my family loves her. I however did cut her from the guest list at the wedding for two reasons, one she is my brother's ex and the last time she was invited it caused drama with him and his girlfriend at the time and two we have had to cut many people and I am not very close to her. She is 8 years younger than me and although I like her she is just my sister's friend in my eyes. 

    I figured when we cut her from the list that if my brother was back together with her she could come, or if my sister (single) is still single and would prefer a female friend to come as her plus one then she could invite her, but she would not an invitation otherwise. 

    Well my mom called to ask for my friends information for the planning and then she asked if I mind inviting Bre, because they have been talking about all the plans at home and want her to be included and want my sister to have a friend there. 

    The issues are:
    1.I know if she comes to the Bach Party I will be obligated to invite her to the wedding.
    2.In a selfish way I was hoping my sister would be spending her time with me. I know she is younger, but she is my MOH and I wanted it to be a special time with her. 
    3. I wanted a very small group of girls WP, my mother, and 2 other girlfriends. My experience has been more people more drama lol. 

    I really don't want to be rude to my mom or the girl, but I really didn't want to invite her either. 
    Yeah, I mean, you don't want to upset anyone, but if you're not inviting this person to the wedding, she should not be invited to pre-wedding parties.
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  • So tell them no.  Tell them she isn't being invited to the wedding and it would be inappropriate.  Then stand your ground.

    But as of now, isn't she technically invited to the wedding as her brother's gf?  Really though, I would say that you just wanted it to be your close friends/family/etc.
    Woah, wait, yeah I missed this. If she is "back on" with your brother, she needs to be invited to the wedding. You can still tell your them you wanted it to be close friends and family only. I am not inviting my brother's fiancee to mine.  
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  • This situation sounds extremely complicated, so I'm going to try to break it down.

    1. Your sister still lives with your mother. Your sister's best friend also lives there.
    2. Said best friend (B) used to date your brother years ago. She caused drama with a later girlfriend of his, but they are now back together.
    3. You do not have much of a relationship with B.

    If all of the above is true, here is how I break it down:
    -Your mother and sister are being rude by talking about a party to which B is not invited in front of B. They should have asked you before whether or not she was invited.
    -You have two options: invite your sister's bestie to both or to neither. I agree that more people tends to cause more drama, but this is one girl who is best friends with your sister. Unless she has a previous bad relationship with your other friends, it's unlikely that she will cause any problems. However, allowing her to come says to your mother and sister that you don't mind their rudeness and they can just invite people when they want.
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  • phiraphira member
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    I totally missed that the woman in question is the brother's girlfriend (I misread and thought she was currently an ex). In that case, she should be invited to the wedding anyway.
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  • you need to invite the gf to the wedding not inviting her would be very rude on your part. shes back with your brother and they are considered in a relationship. what if they eventually got married and decided that since she was axed from attending your wedding you would be axed from there's how would you feel?

    other than that you dont have to invite her to your party let your sister know and be firm about it that you want to keep it wp and very close friends only
  • Yes if she is still with my brother when the wedding comes Feb 28,2015 then she will absolutely be invited. If they are not together when invites go out then she will not be invited. They are young and live 6 hours away from each other so yeah. 

    @Inkdancer I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they just assumed we would invite her, because to them she is like family. If we had room on the guest list then I would have invited her, but each person is another $420 so we have to limit it. 

    The way I see it I'm going to let her come, add her to the guest list and pray her and my brother are still together lol. 

    It isn't my preference, I am not happy about it, but I am resigned to it lol. 

    Already thinking about the next challenge which will be her driving with them into town and then needing to come to the RD. lol
  • phiraphira member
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    $420? Holy crap, what on earth could possibly cost that much for each person?!
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  • you need to invite the gf to the wedding not inviting her would be very rude on your part. shes back with your brother and they are considered in a relationship. what if they eventually got married and decided that since she was axed from attending your wedding you would be axed from there's how would you feel?

    other than that you dont have to invite her to your party let your sister know and be firm about it that you want to keep it wp and very close friends only
    I never said she wouldn't be invited if they are together. Actually I said specifically that if they were together she will be invited, but if they are not then she would not be receiving an invitation. 

    She and my brother dated a few months ago for a total of 3-5 weeks, long distance. He then dumped her for someone more local and available. Now they broke up he spent the weekend at my moms house and now they are based on her back on, based on my brother they had a nice weekend. They are very young, live 6 hours away and my brother says he doesn't want a GF right now. This doesn't seem like a recipe for long term relationship. 

    The invitations will not be sent out until December at the earliest, so I would at this time like to keep my options open on inviting her or not, until I am pressed to make the decision. 8 months is a long time. 

    I would also prefer it is not awkward at the wedding or RD if she is there and my brother's new GF is there as that has been an issue in the past. 
  • Umm...has everyone agreed to the $420? I know that I would have to be declining attending that party. 
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  • MrsMarendeMrsMarende member
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    edited April 2014
    @PDKH That is my cost per person for the wedding reception not for the bachelorette party.
  • phira said:
    $420? Holy crap, what on earth could possibly cost that much for each person?!
    In the area we live in everything is very expensive. : ( 

    The least expensive places I could find were starting at $135 per person not including alcohol, then you add in rental fees, valet parking etc it adds up quickly.
  • Wait, wait, wait. 

    Your wedding isn't until FEBRUARY 28, 2015 -- as in, 331 days, or just under ELEVEN MONTHS from now -- and you're having a bachelorette party already??

    That right there is a huge chunk of your problem.

    I would, however, tell your mom, 'Yeah, Mom, I do mind, because I wanted the bachelorette party to be just my very close friends, and although Bre is sis's friend and brother's GF, she's not really my friend, so I'd prefer she not be invited.'

    Wow.
    I told my mom I would prefer for it to be in January, but she wants to get on the planning now. I think so it is more affordable since they are out of town. To be honest I am trying to not get too involved or demanding because they are planning and paying for it and they want it to be a surprise. 

    My only requests to her were that is was a small list of people, in January, and that it is affordable and not extravagant. 
  • phiraphira member
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    That is nutttttttts. I thought Boston was expensive! $135 is the kind of price per person I've seen when more than just food is included. Holy crapoli.
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  • phira said:
    That is nutttttttts. I thought Boston was expensive! $135 is the kind of price per person I've seen when more than just food is included. Holy crapoli.
    Seriously. I had major sticker shock when I started looking around. We went from 100 people to 70 and still increased the budget and cut a lot of things we originally wanted.

     Don't get me wrong what we ended up with is very nice and is more than needed, but FI and I don't have a lot of family and decided together we would rather have something nicer with less people than have a bigger guest list of people that we don't see often. 

    Inviting this one person won't kill us financially, but I can think of 10-15 people that I would like to have there more than her. 


  • So tell them no.  Tell them she isn't being invited to the wedding and it would be inappropriate.  Then stand your ground.

    But as of now, isn't she technically invited to the wedding as her brother's gf?  Really though, I would say that you just wanted it to be your close friends/family/etc.
    Well that is tough.  If they are back together, then yes.  So in that case, I would say what TGR said but it might not go over well.

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  • It's too early to be planning a shower or bachelorette. Let your mom know that when it's time to plan these events, you'll revisit this girls status with your brother and in your life to make the decision. My FMIL was hell bent on us inviting a friend I really don't speak to much anymore. I ignored it. As time went on - she realized this girl didn't have a place at our wedding - so the issue disappeared.
  • Yes if she is still with my brother when the wedding comes Feb 28,2015 then she will absolutely be invited. If they are not together when invites go out then she will not be invited. They are young and live 6 hours away from each other so yeah. 

    @Inkdancer I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they just assumed we would invite her, because to them she is like family. If we had room on the guest list then I would have invited her, but each person is another $420 so we have to limit it. 

    The way I see it I'm going to let her come, add her to the guest list and pray her and my brother are still together lol. 

    It isn't my preference, I am not happy about it, but I am resigned to it lol. 

    Already thinking about the next challenge which will be her driving with them into town and then needing to come to the RD. lol
    Hold on, Back up the Soul Train!

    1st, why in the hell is your mother planning your B party now- in April of 2014 when you aren't getting married until the end of February of 2015?  Pre-pre-pre planning much?

    2nd, what on Earth are you and your guests getting that you are paying $420/person?!!!??  I'm not judging you by any means, but I have never heard of anything like this, even on the Luxury Boards, so really I am just in awe and curious, lol.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Oh, I'm sure they weren't being rude on purpose. But I would let them know that talking about the B-party in front of other people isn't very considerate, and could they maybe plan to do it when she's not around?
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  • Yes if she is still with my brother when the wedding comes Feb 28,2015 then she will absolutely be invited. If they are not together when invites go out then she will not be invited. They are young and live 6 hours away from each other so yeah. 

    @Inkdancer I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they just assumed we would invite her, because to them she is like family. If we had room on the guest list then I would have invited her, but each person is another $420 so we have to limit it. 

    The way I see it I'm going to let her come, add her to the guest list and pray her and my brother are still together lol. 

    It isn't my preference, I am not happy about it, but I am resigned to it lol. 

    Already thinking about the next challenge which will be her driving with them into town and then needing to come to the RD. lol
    Hold on, Back up the Soul Train!

    1st, why in the hell is your mother planning your B party now- in April of 2014 when you aren't getting married until the end of February of 2015?  Pre-pre-pre planning much?

    2nd, what on Earth are you and your guests getting that you are paying $420/person?!!!??  I'm not judging you by any means, but I have never heard of anything like this, even on the Luxury Boards, so really I am just in awe and curious, lol.
    I think she is over excited lol!

    The $420 per person is basically all the food, beverage, rental cost, valet cost, invitation etc. The service charge is 24% and tax is 8% so that adds up too.

    But food and beverage wise 

    Premium Open Bar for the entire night 5:30-12pm
    4 course plated meal
    6 tray passed Hors D'Ouevres
    Cake
    Late Night Snack
    Wine and Champagne service

    Things are really overpriced in our area. Many couples spend $100,000 +++ for their wedding. 

    Our budget is $40,000 total for 70 people. 
  • Yes if she is still with my brother when the wedding comes Feb 28,2015 then she will absolutely be invited. If they are not together when invites go out then she will not be invited. They are young and live 6 hours away from each other so yeah. 

    @Inkdancer I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they just assumed we would invite her, because to them she is like family. If we had room on the guest list then I would have invited her, but each person is another $420 so we have to limit it. 

    The way I see it I'm going to let her come, add her to the guest list and pray her and my brother are still together lol. 

    It isn't my preference, I am not happy about it, but I am resigned to it lol. 

    Already thinking about the next challenge which will be her driving with them into town and then needing to come to the RD. lol
    Hold on, Back up the Soul Train!

    1st, why in the hell is your mother planning your B party now- in April of 2014 when you aren't getting married until the end of February of 2015?  Pre-pre-pre planning much?

    2nd, what on Earth are you and your guests getting that you are paying $420/person?!!!??  I'm not judging you by any means, but I have never heard of anything like this, even on the Luxury Boards, so really I am just in awe and curious, lol.
    I think she is over excited lol!

    The $420 per person is basically all the food, beverage, rental cost, valet cost, invitation etc. The service charge is 24% and tax is 8% so that adds up too.

    But food and beverage wise 

    Premium Open Bar for the entire night 5:30-12pm
    4 course plated meal
    6 tray passed Hors D'Ouevres
    Cake
    Late Night Snack
    Wine and Champagne service

    Things are really overpriced in our area. Many couples spend $100,000 +++ for their wedding. 

    Our budget is $40,000 total for 70 people. 

    Dang. I've got to ask, where is your area? But I'm glad you include everything in that per person cost so you can really see how much it is.
  • Yes if she is still with my brother when the wedding comes Feb 28,2015 then she will absolutely be invited. If they are not together when invites go out then she will not be invited. They are young and live 6 hours away from each other so yeah. 

    @Inkdancer I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they just assumed we would invite her, because to them she is like family. If we had room on the guest list then I would have invited her, but each person is another $420 so we have to limit it. 

    The way I see it I'm going to let her come, add her to the guest list and pray her and my brother are still together lol. 

    It isn't my preference, I am not happy about it, but I am resigned to it lol. 

    Already thinking about the next challenge which will be her driving with them into town and then needing to come to the RD. lol
    Hold on, Back up the Soul Train!

    1st, why in the hell is your mother planning your B party now- in April of 2014 when you aren't getting married until the end of February of 2015?  Pre-pre-pre planning much?

    2nd, what on Earth are you and your guests getting that you are paying $420/person?!!!??  I'm not judging you by any means, but I have never heard of anything like this, even on the Luxury Boards, so really I am just in awe and curious, lol.
    I think she is over excited lol!

    The $420 per person is basically all the food, beverage, rental cost, valet cost, invitation etc. The service charge is 24% and tax is 8% so that adds up too.

    But food and beverage wise 

    Premium Open Bar for the entire night 5:30-12pm
    4 course plated meal
    6 tray passed Hors D'Ouevres
    Cake
    Late Night Snack
    Wine and Champagne service

    Things are really overpriced in our area. Many couples spend $100,000 +++ for their wedding. 

    Our budget is $40,000 total for 70 people. 

    Dang. I've got to ask, where is your area? But I'm glad you include everything in that per person cost so you can really see how much it is.
    Southern California, our venue is in San Diego. Granted the venue we picked is upscale, but that is to our personality. It was very important to me that the food be good quality and the service be 5 stars. That being said it is one of the less expensive places I looked at. Most others would have cost me about $5,000 -$8,000 more for the same.
  • Yes if she is still with my brother when the wedding comes Feb 28,2015 then she will absolutely be invited. If they are not together when invites go out then she will not be invited. They are young and live 6 hours away from each other so yeah. 

    @Inkdancer I don't think they were trying to be rude. I think they just assumed we would invite her, because to them she is like family. If we had room on the guest list then I would have invited her, but each person is another $420 so we have to limit it. 

    The way I see it I'm going to let her come, add her to the guest list and pray her and my brother are still together lol. 

    It isn't my preference, I am not happy about it, but I am resigned to it lol. 

    Already thinking about the next challenge which will be her driving with them into town and then needing to come to the RD. lol
    Hold on, Back up the Soul Train!

    1st, why in the hell is your mother planning your B party now- in April of 2014 when you aren't getting married until the end of February of 2015?  Pre-pre-pre planning much?

    2nd, what on Earth are you and your guests getting that you are paying $420/person?!!!??  I'm not judging you by any means, but I have never heard of anything like this, even on the Luxury Boards, so really I am just in awe and curious, lol.
    I think she is over excited lol!

    The $420 per person is basically all the food, beverage, rental cost, valet cost, invitation etc. The service charge is 24% and tax is 8% so that adds up too.

    But food and beverage wise 

    Premium Open Bar for the entire night 5:30-12pm
    4 course plated meal
    6 tray passed Hors D'Ouevres
    Cake
    Late Night Snack
    Wine and Champagne service

    Things are really overpriced in our area. Many couples spend $100,000 +++ for their wedding. 

    Our budget is $40,000 total for 70 people. 
    I gotcha!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    You shouldn't feel bad for choosing an upscale venue. I whine pretty constantly about the Boston area being expensive, but ...

    - we could have kept the guest list even smaller
    - we could have picked a cheaper venue that was not all-inclusive
    - we could have picked a cheaper all-inclusive venue
    - we could have purchased less expensive attire
    - we could have gone without save the dates
    - we could have gone without moderately priced save the dates
    - we could have gone without engagement rings (I didn't want one)
    - we could have had a friend do photography for cheaper
    - we could have selected a less expensive photography package
    - we could purchase inexpensive wedding bands
    - I could do my own hair and make-up
    - we could have selected a less expensive baker
    - we didn't need a groom's cake

    Etc.

    You've chosen an expensive venue because, newsflash, it's what you wanted and if you keep your guest list small, you can afford it. So, don't feel bad. I think we were all just astounded by the cost of weddings in your area!
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  • FWIW I'm not getting married until March 2015 but my MOHs/sisters have already given thought to my bachelorette party, mostly just to book hotel rooms before the prices go up or they sell out (we are doing a weekend trip to Disneyland.) But we haven't discussed guests or sent out invitations or anything. So just tell your mom you'll have to think about it and when it gets closer to inviting ladies to attend you can see where things are at. No harm done.
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  • I agree with tcnoble and am a March 2015 bride as well. My step mom and MOH are planning my shower and slowly getting ideas for it, and my MOH is doing the same for my b-party. OP, tell your mom to stop talking about it in front of others unless she doesn't have a problem telling them they aren't invited (because who knows what is going to happen when 2015 rolls around) and get a very rough number of people and give that to them to work with. That's all they should need anyways at this point.


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