Put your work funnies here

lyndausvi · April 2014

Here is the first phone call of my day.

Caller - "My grandparents own timeshare at your place. We were wondering if we can exchange their week for a week in May?

Me: "Let me check the availability. What week in May do you want?"

Caller - "May 3rd"

Me - quickly without even having to look said "I'm sorry we are completely committed that week.It's the 2nd week of Jazz Fest."

Caller - "are you sure?"

Me - "yes, it's been booked for a while now."

Caller - "There is there anything you can do?"

Rolls my eyes and thinks to myself: "Sure, let me just kick out the owners who paid premium prices to own that week and have been coming for 20+ years? Or let me kick out the others who made reservations 6+ months ago. Better yet, why don't I just build more rooms in next 3 weeks?"

jenna8984 · April 2014

hahahah surely you can do something?! jk

We have a woman who, in additon to her actual job, stocks the lunchroom with coffee and plastic silverware. She takes that WAY more seriously than her real job and is always freaking out like "I knew I should have ordered more French Vanilla- oh man it's a big mover, I gotta leave work early and run to Costco to get more so nobody gets mad that it's all out." So when she's not around we always joke with each other how coffee is #1 priority in this company and it's ok if we lost money this month because at least the French Vanilla is stocked!

thisismynickname2 · April 2014

My work funny (as in I have to laugh or I'll cry) is a woman who sent me a screen shot of her electronic checklist claiming she'd finished all her requirements and demanded to move to the next steps. The checklist had some green check marks, but many red X marks.

What the heck did she think the red X marks meant? I literally wrote back, "The red X marks means that you are not done with those specific requirements. Everything has to be marked with a green check for you to be done."

How.... just... HOW??

lyndausvi · April 2014

jenna8984 said:

hahahah surely you can do something?! jk
We have a woman who, in additon to her actual job, stocks the lunchroom with coffee and plastic silverware. She takes that WAY more seriously than her real job and is always freaking out like "I knew I should have ordered more French Vanilla- oh man it's a big mover, I gotta leave work early and run to Costco to get more so nobody gets mad that it's all out." So when she's not around we always joke with each other how coffee is #1 priority in this company and it's ok if we lost money this month because at least the French Vanilla is stocked!

That is too funny.

Although DH supplies the employee cafeterias at his job (and former jobs). Employees get pretty upset if certain items are not there. Past jobs they have written long mean letters to higher ups and even corporate. IT'S FREE FOOD PEOPLE. Get over it.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

We run events that are free to attend (as part of your dues and whatnot), but we will charge you if you don't attend. It's kind of a 'stick' to prevent people from RSVP'ing, holding a place, and then not coming.

Every.Single.Time, I have no-shows. Then I have to bill them (well, our office manager does), and every.single.time, SOMEBODY says, 'Well, how was I supposed to know the event was today? You didn't remind me!'

Dude, I send out WEEKLY E-MAILS that remind you of this event. Do people remind you to attend your other business meetings? DO THEY?

Also, I had someone RSVP for this morning's event at 7.40 last night -- after I was at home, and well after I'd printed the name badges and rosters and whatever else.

Then he was surprised I didn't have a name tag for him. Seriously, dude??

thisismynickname2 · April 2014

lyndausvi said:

jenna8984 said:

hahahah surely you can do something?! jk
We have a woman who, in additon to her actual job, stocks the lunchroom with coffee and plastic silverware. She takes that WAY more seriously than her real job and is always freaking out like "I knew I should have ordered more French Vanilla- oh man it's a big mover, I gotta leave work early and run to Costco to get more so nobody gets mad that it's all out." So when she's not around we always joke with each other how coffee is #1 priority in this company and it's ok if we lost money this month because at least the French Vanilla is stocked!

That is too funny.

Although DH supplies the employee cafeterias at his job (and former jobs). Employees get pretty upset if certain items are not there. Past jobs they have written long mean letters to higher ups and even corporate. IT'S FREE FOOD PEOPLE. Get over it.

There was drama awhile back because the flavored creamer was completely removed from the break rooms because people would steal/hoard it all. Then, a new President came in and was like, "Why the heck isn't there flavored creamer?" Now instead of little vanilla buckets we have one giant squeeze bottle (kind of like ketchup dispensers in fast food places).

Yes, people get bent out of shape I think because free coffee is like, the least a company can do, and to not trust adults around individual creamers says a lot about what the company thinks of its employees. The little things truly matter the most. When facial tissue boxes and disinfectant wipes became scarce around my office, I was annoyed too (luckily good stock is back). You expect me to spend my own money to keep healthy in this office?

ElcaB · April 2014

In our company newsletter (which I write), we print employees' service anniversaries in five year increments. Last month, an employee I don't even know came up in a tizzy because she claimed she hit her 10 year mark and I neglected to print it in the newsletter.

First of all, I can't imagine someone freaking out about something so minor. Secondly, I don't even know you. Don't barge into my office and start yelling at me.

I calmly asked her to tell me her name. I looked up her records and discovered she had, after all, hit her 10 year service anniversary...IN 2013. I pulled up the March 2013 newsletter from my archives and, sure enough, her name was right there. She didn't even apologize, just said, "Oh, okay," and walked out, leaving me shaking my head.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

I'm currently a law student, but I worked this summer at a big law firm and will be returning in a few months after graduation (!!!). The company is great about the free food: we have free coffee and tea with all the fixings, hot chocolate, soup and oatmeal packets, espresso machine. The employees are pretty spoiled and there is no hoarding.

Except on really hot summer days when they stock the floor fridges with water bottles. You would think a bunch of lawyers making six figures would not get excited about free bottles of water. Oh, no. The minute the email goes out saying "It's hot so we stocked water," people beeline to those fridges. Some attorneys keep an entire drawer stocked with the free water. Really, people? It's water!

APDSS22 · April 2014

At my husband's work, they stopped providing styrofoam cups for the coffee in the morning and they're limiting provided lunches and travel expenses to save money. They bussed the whole office offsite to a hotel conference room to tell them this. *rolls eyes*

At my store, we now get to wear nifty BRIGHT RED vests so the customers can see us. This is the 4th time the company dress code has changed since I joined the company less than 3 years ago. I'm currently searching for full time work where I don't have to wear a stupid vest if I don't want to. My husband comes home yesterday and sees it hanging in the closet for the first time because I brought it home to wash it. He just kept saying. "It's just SO red. That's brighter than my hunting vest that I wear so people won't accidentally shoot me. I've never seen a red that bright..." Thanks dear, I didn't hate it enough before.

SBmini · April 2014

A group of coworkers is trying to convince the new project manager that all the guys wear shorts to work in summer time. No one wears shorts. Our authoritarian German owner would have a field day if someone did. Not in a bad way, but in a vocal "What are you wearing" sort of way.

Stay tuned for further developments.

grumbledore · April 2014

Right now I am listening to a speakerphone call from the other room, attorney is settling case for a client who has been on workers' comp for like 16 years:

Attorney: The insurance company is offering you $200,000 paid over 5 years. It's the best deal you can get. Do you want to take it?

Client: Yes, but do you think they could keep paying me weekly for 3 months after I settle the case so I can afford the down payment on my condo in Florida?

Attorney: Um, no? They can't pay you weekly benefits after you settle your case. The whole reason they are settling it is because they don't want to pay you weekly anymore.

Client: Well, can you ask?

Attorney: Um, sure, but I am telling you right now, they are going to say no.

Client: Well, can you ask?

selenathegreat · April 2014

My work offers neither free coffee nor water nor tissues. They even took away the Tylenol.

I do find it hilarious/infuriating that whenever the toner runs out they come and find me because I USED to sit by the copier. It wasn't my job to replace or order the toner, I just happened to often because people would come and stare helplessly at the copier. Sigh.

I used to work in a ticket office, and it was great when people would come up and say "two tickets" when we had thirty different events on sale. They were also horrified that we didn't have front row seats left the day before the show for something that had been on sale for months.

lovemyrunner · April 2014

Can't share current work funnies, cause I'm a nurse and would probably wind up violating HIPAA somehow. But I used to work retail in college and one time a lady walked up to me and asked "How long does your one day only sale last?" I tell people this story when they say there is no such thing as a stupid question. Oh yes there is. Also, I used to deliver pizzas for a few years too, and we'd have customers that wouldn't tell us they were going to pay with a card but would just hand it to me when I arrived at the house. Uh, I've got some place on me where I can swipe that, but you're not gonna like it.

MrsMack10612 · April 2014

My favorite was a conference call after our new CEO started. It was a team call for her to introduce herself. She was finishing up saying her office was always open and here's my cell number if you have any questions/concerns. One of the team then spoke up to the whole call (probably 100+ people on the call) and asked who was speaking.

I was embarrassed for her.

lyndausvi · April 2014

eatuttle said:

Can't share current work funnies, cause I'm a nurse and would probably wind up violating HIPAA somehow. But I used to work retail in college and one time a lady walked up to me and asked "How long does your one day only sale last?" I tell people this story when they say there is no such thing as a stupid question. Oh yes there is. Also, I used to deliver pizzas for a few years too, and we'd have customers that wouldn't tell us they were going to pay with a card but would just hand it to me when I arrived at the house. Uh, I've got some place on me where I can swipe that, but you're not gonna like it.

I never heard so many stupid questions than when I spent all those years in the islands. My favorite is "do you life here?" as I'm serving them drinks on a day sailboat, while wearing a uniform with a name tag on.

"Hell no. I fly in from Philly everyday for work. Please tip me well because transportation costs are going up."

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

We have one of those water coolers with the 5 gallon jugs in our break room. We drink a good amount of water, and run through 2-3 bottles every week. Somehow, I'm the only one who ever changes the bottle. I'm 4'10", 95 lbs soaking wet, and wear 4" heels to work. Yet the guys who work here will walk away from the cooler when it's empty and wait for me to change it when I need water (no one even bothers to tell me it's empty). As soon as I change the bottle and the machine starts to make noise, there's a line of people behind me who are suddenly thirsty. *rolls eyes*

SJM7538 · April 2014

I work in disability claims and got a new case this week. So I call the client to gather some info

Me: can you tell me about your condition sir.

Client: yes I have diabetes and asthma and my doctor told me to stop working.

Me: what do you do for a living sir.

Client: nothing, I retired three years ago.

Face palm.

wandajune6 · April 2014

I get yelled at on a daily basis by doctors. I beg them to turn in documentation constantly, reminding them that they won't get paid if they don't do it. One doc even tells jokes about dodging my calls because he knows he's behind. Then they call and yell when they don't get paid. *facepalm

MrsMack10612 · April 2014

@Twodimes - Those aren't necessarily stupid questions. I know lots of cities/towns that will do a designated trick or treating night for the kids if Halloween falls during the week. I've seen the same thing happen with 4th of July fireworks too.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

TwoDimes said:

eatuttle said:

Can't share current work funnies, cause I'm a nurse and would probably wind up violating HIPAA somehow. But I used to work retail in college and one time a lady walked up to me and asked "How long does your one day only sale last?" I tell people this story when they say there is no such thing as a stupid question. Oh yes there is. Also, I used to deliver pizzas for a few years too, and we'd have customers that wouldn't tell us they were going to pay with a card but would just hand it to me when I arrived at the house. Uh, I've got some place on me where I can swipe that, but you're not gonna like it.

I love this! I get similarly stupid questions at work.

I work for city government and we hold a huge 4th of July celebration every year. Every.single.year I get multiple calls from people asking, "What day are your 4th of July fireworks?" Uhhh.... they're on July 4th.

ETA: I've also gotten "What day is Halloween trick-or-treating?" Um.... on Halloween. Duh.

This is not actually a duh. It's a Very Big Deal when trick-or-treat nights are. Municipalities always try to set them on the same night so kids from other areas won't come into their area and get candy from their residents (yes, they are that stingy).

Also, at least in Central PA, a lot of towns do it on the Sunday before Halloween and do it from like 4-6 p.m., so it's still daylight out and there aren't small children wandering around in the dark.

That question is legit.

Also, not every town does fireworks ON July 4. A lot of them will do them the Saturday closest to the Fourth.

So actually, I'd consider both of those questions totally legit.

jenna8984 · April 2014

Same in my town- trick or treating is hardly ever on the 31st and fireworks are hardly ever on the 4th. Usually a Friday or Saturday.

wandajune6 · April 2014

Chicago does fireworks on the 3rd of July. Or, rather, we did before we ran out of money!

lyndausvi · April 2014

Once I was standing on a DOCK, you know, that structure that boats tie up to, and was asked "how far above sea level were we?"

Can't make that shit up,

MrsMack10612 · April 2014

Questions like that really make me wonder how people function on a day to day basis.

I understand having a brain cramp now and again, but sometimes you just want to shake someone and say, really?

RedJacks25 · April 2014

I'm currently captioning a show on exercise/fitness, and there is a woman talking about what the workouts are called and such. When I caption, I usually fast-forward the video 3x for the sake of efficiency. Well, when she said "flat dumbbell bench," in fast-forward it very much sounded like "fat dumbo bitch."

Yeah, I got a good laugh out of that.

whitjoy · April 2014

I work at a wildlife refuge, so there's the occasional wild deer. Someone asked me the other day: "what do the deer do on the weekends?" um...hit the bars like everyone else!...but seriously....deer stuff I guess.

emmaaa · April 2014

The funniest situations always happened to me when I was a waitress.

Customer: "How big is your 10 oz. ribeye?"

Me: "Well, it's 10 oz?"

or

Customer: "What type of meat do you use to make you chicken?

Me: "Chicken."

I got questions like that all of the time. I also hated when I got really craptastic tippers. I once had a table of young adults, presumably college students, and they all paid separately, fine. Well each of their checks came to $19 and some change. They all handed me $20 bills and told me to keep the change. I came back a few minutes later, with their change. They told me, "I don't need it, you can keep it." To which I replied, "No, I think you need it more than I do." Needless to say, I ended up getting a $20 tip off of three people. I found that with rude customers, if I was snarky back to them, they tipped me better because they realized I was going to give them the same level of respect they gave me.

@TwoDimes I am working for a municipality (third one I have worked for) andwe get those calls a lot. But at each of the Towns I have worked for, the fireworks and trick-or-treating have never been on July 4th or Halloween.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

TwoDimes said:

eatuttle said:

Can't share current work funnies, cause I'm a nurse and would probably wind up violating HIPAA somehow. But I used to work retail in college and one time a lady walked up to me and asked "How long does your one day only sale last?" I tell people this story when they say there is no such thing as a stupid question. Oh yes there is. Also, I used to deliver pizzas for a few years too, and we'd have customers that wouldn't tell us they were going to pay with a card but would just hand it to me when I arrived at the house. Uh, I've got some place on me where I can swipe that, but you're not gonna like it.

I love this! I get similarly stupid questions at work.

I work for city government and we hold a huge 4th of July celebration every year. Every.single.year I get multiple calls from people asking, "What day are your 4th of July fireworks?" Uhhh.... they're on July 4th.

ETA: I've also gotten "What day is Halloween trick-or-treating?" Um.... on Halloween. Duh.

This is not actually a duh. It's a Very Big Deal when trick-or-treat nights are. Municipalities always try to set them on the same night so kids from other areas won't come into their area and get candy from their residents (yes, they are that stingy).

Also, at least in Central PA, a lot of towns do it on the Sunday before Halloween and do it from like 4-6 p.m., so it's still daylight out and there aren't small children wandering around in the dark.

That question is legit.

Also, not every town does fireworks ON July 4. A lot of them will do them the Saturday closest to the Fourth.

So actually, I'd consider both of those questions totally legit.

Well you learn something knew every day. My area always did them on the actual days, no matter what day of the week it was. So if I heard the question in my area, I would have thought it was silly.

sarawifenow · April 2014

I work in a financial advising firm. The other day, someone walked in off of the street and asked me if I had any knowledge of forged checks. I told them that we have a department that deals with forgery, but it is our home office another state away and if there was something specific I could help them with. They pulled out the shadiest and most obviously fake check I have ever seen in my life and asked if I could CASH it for them. I must have had a serious wtf look on my face, because they just turned and left before I could even react.

grumbledore · April 2014

MrsMack10612 said:

@Twodimes - Those aren't necessarily stupid questions. I know lots of cities/towns that will do a designated trick or treating night for the kids if Halloween falls during the week. I've seen the same thing happen with 4th of July fireworks too.

Agreed - 4th of July fireworks are often not on the 4th in my area.

WinstonsGirl · April 2014

I'm not a fan of one person at my job (to put it very mildly). I will have a secret party at home when she moves. Anyway, for Pi Day, we had pi eating contests and pie throwing contests, at teachers. We have a huge fridge type box the staff go into and a hole for your face, and kids aim at that. This person was in the box and was concerned about holding her hair back. So concerned in fact that she tripped sideways and totally fell over sideways in the box, while still holding her hair back. No effort at all to break her fall. It really kinda made my day

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