The Long Walk Down the Aisle

MrsMack10612 · April 2014

I was in a similar situation. My relationship with my father has been strained, strange and sometimes estranged for the last 30 years (since my parents divorce).

I made a conscious decision to NOT have him walk me down the aisle, but asked one of my brothers to do it. My brother was honored, my father caused a shit storm because of it, as well as some other things. I know it hurt my dad's feelings and I am sorry about that, but he stepped out of my life as "daddy" a lot of years ago and lost the right/honor to walk me down the aisle.

You need to do what's best for you and stop worrying/involving the gossip mongers. Your FI should have your back in this decision, and it is YOUR decision, so you need to discuss that with him.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

themuffinman16 said:

Your aunt was not there, everyday, as you had to deal with your father's issues. Even if he is on the road to recovery, it does not undo the damage his addiction has done.
I am having my grandpa walk me down the aisle, instead of my father. My father, also, did not deserve the honor. Several people disagreed with me. I stopped sharing that information with everybody and only told my Grandpa, who I wanted to walk me down the aisle. This is where you get to say, "It's my day, it should go how I want it." The ceremony is about you and your FI, if you are not doing anything to breach etiquette (not enough chairs, tiered reception), go for it. Having your father walk you down the aisle, with your relationship, seems like putting on a show. It isn't genuine. Go with your heart, you will look back on this day with love and not regret,
To the aunt, and anyone who has disagreed with you, I would say, "Our problems are between him and I, I don't think we will resolve them by the wedding. If we were to reconcile, I wouldn't want to to have a time limit, to be in a better place." To anyone else you haven't shared with, keep your cards close to your vest. They will know your father isn't walking you down the aisle when you have someone else standing with you, on your wedding day.

My mom had her grandpa walk her down the aisle because her father abandoned her and her step-dad was an abusive asshole (pretend reformed christian too, but pretty hard to believe you are a christian if you still abuse those around you). She refused to let her step-dad near the aisle. Her mom tried to guilt her. She stood her ground and stuck with her decision. It was the best thing for her.

abbyj700 · April 2014

OP - I am so very sorry for you that this is happening. I'm sorry you don't have a good relationship with your dad and that your family and FI don't seem to understand and that people are making this a big deal. Honestly - I would expect that your dad would be upset. Having had multiple friends with almost the exact issue as you (strained relationship due to addiction issues) - the dad in each situation always seems to be upset and surprised (though to me they shouldn't be.) I'm honestly surprised that your brother doesn't have your back more - assuming he grew up in the same house facing the same issues.

Talk to your FI about it - one because he needs to understand what is going on with you and why - and also to get your thoughts out and emotions out before asking anyone else. I understand that it would kill you to get another no - but know the right person will say yes. Also- find out why your FI said what he said to begin with. Is he just trying not to rock the boat with your family? Is he just going with tradition?

In the long run - if it's your best friend, your brother, grandpa, FI or even alone - feel proud to walk next to that person. Feel strong that you are making the right choice for your life and wedding day.

dolewhipper · April 2014

My MOH (also sister) will be walking me down the aisle.

No one needs to know why you chose a particular person to walk you down the aisle.

Tandksmommy · April 2014

My stepfather is walking me down the aisle because he's been more of a father to me than my real Dad was. (Yes, my Dad was around when I was growing up) So no, I don't think it makes you a bridezilla for not wanting someone you don't have a good relationship to be walking you down the aisle. I'm surprised at the audacity of these people to think that you SHOULD walk down the aisle just because someone gave you life. That position is typically saved for a very special person (whether it be an aunt, uncle, brother, sister, mother, son, etc).

sarawifenow · April 2014

I am going through the same thing with my family. My uncle will be walking me down the aisle. This has led to some tension between myself and my dad's side of the family. Oh well! I am doing what is right for me!

I suggest talking with you FI about why it is important for you to make the decision you are making. My FI has been nothing but supportive of my decision and has even gone to bat for me multiple times with the individuals who have a problem with my decision. I think that this has a lot to do with the fact that he is amazing, but it also has a TON to do with the fact that he understands the situation and my feelings on it.

So, talk to your FI, make your decision, and walk down that aisle looking beautiful on your wedding day! *hugs

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

Ugh I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this crap. You can (and should) ride a motherfucking tiger down the aisle if that's what you damn well choose. Don't let them get to you.

I will say though that I think it's an awesome testament to your strength and independence to walk down alone. Not that being walked means anyone is weak or dependent, but it sounds like in your family that would be a giant "fuck all ya'll, I am succeeding in spite of you" kind of statement and I would so high-five you for that.

abbyj700 · April 2014

Lolo8383 said:

Ugh I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this crap. You can (and should) ride a motherfucking tiger down the aisle if that's what you damn well choose. Don't let them get to you.

I will say though that I think it's an awesome testament to your strength and independence to walk down alone. Not that being walked means anyone is weak or dependent, but it sounds like in your family that would be a giant "fuck all ya'll, I am succeeding in spite of you" kind of statement and I would so high-five you for that.

The bolded just made my day!

grumbledore · April 2014

OP, they are wrong. I'm going to have my brother walk with me - he's my MOH and the only family member I would ever consider walking with.

You need to do what makes YOU comfortable when it comes to this.

*hugs*

offthemarket915 · April 2014

OP, I think you'd find it helpful to read this thread, particularly the posts about the pressure to conform to other people's standards when you don't come from a "normal" family.

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1014421/my-plus-one-nightmare-that-is-really-about-my-daddy-issues/p1

sarawifenow · April 2014

offthemarket915 said:

OP, I think you'd find it helpful to read this thread:

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1014421/my-plus-one-nightmare-that-is-really-about-my-daddy-issues/p1

Lol OP, this is my situation (and my thread)! I got some amazing responses on it and everyone sharing their stories was like a wonderful group therapy session for me! I showed my FI the discussion and it really helped him understand where I was coming from.

offthemarket915 · April 2014

@sarabridesoon I'm glad to hear that it helped with FI

perdonami · April 2014

Lolo8383 said:

You can (and should) ride a motherfucking tiger down the aisle if that's what you damn well choose.

You're comment made me literally laugh out loud! Almost choked on my water. I should ride a motherfucking tiger down the aisle.

KGold80 · April 2014

I have a mini schnauzer named Tiger you could borrow...

perdonami · April 2014

I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to reply to my thread and I got a lot of really good advice.

To clarify, I asked my brother before I informed my aunt that I was not walking down the aisle with my father. After my brother declined stating I needed to ask our father, I explained that I had always imagined he be my escort down the aisle. I explained I preferred his company but he said I needed to ask our father first. I took that as a decline on my brother's part as walking with my father is NOT an option.

I think its a little more difficult for my brother to understand as he was raised by another man from 12 to 18 years old and does not spend any time with our father. My fiance has zero knowledge of wedding etiquette and comes from a happy and healthy family and does not understand the complicated relationship I have with family members. Fiance does not want to rock the boat and thinks its a 20 second walk and no big deal. But, it is a big deal to me. I raised myself and was forced to be adult before I was even a teenager. I worked hard to get into college and graduate from college. I worked hard to get into my career field and continue to work hard at my job. My father has not been involved in any way who I am now. How awkward and pretentious for him to escort me down the aisle. Fiance just doesn't understand this, to him its just a short walk.

So, I could walk by myself, but I always envisioned having an escort and since my brother declined this family friend is another wonderful choice. I just feel its unfair I can't have this one minor detail because my dad is NOT an option. I

BTW, if I could get away with not extending an invite to my aunt (we never have had a good relationship since I was a child), I would but my wedding would be ruined and I would never live it down. The unnecessary drama is just not worth it.

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

Im so sorry you have a family full of douches

. Both my parents were guests at our wedding, nothing more. I chose to walk with my grandfather as he and my grandmother raised me full time since I was 12 and he has been a wonderful grandfather and now great grandfather. He's in his 80s and I couldn't imagine not getting to do this with him.

My mother was angry, even though she didn't say it to my face. I did do the parent dance with my father but honestly I would have been fine skipping all of the spotlight dances. Stand your ground. From both your posts it seems like wedding planning has been causing you a lot of unnecessary stress. Why not take a girls day and take a day off from planning for a bit. Clear your head.

FiancB · April 2014

The motherfuckng tiger comment made me think of this:

I'm in sort of a similar situation except it's my dad refusing to walk with me because I'm not having a religious ceremony. I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. My sister offered, I'm sure my mom would (but I'm not a whole lot happier with her than my dad with the whole fiasco), I don't have grandparents. I'm sure I could with FI's parents, or maybe with our best man and MOH. Or maybe by myself. IDK we'll see. The point is, walk with whoever you damn well please and do NOT walk with someone you don't have a good relationship with just to play nice.

perdonami · April 2014

UPDATE:

Recently, I have had to revisit the topic of my walk down the aisle with said brother I had originally asked to do me the favor of being my escort. When he asked me what he had to do the day of the ceremony, I brought up how I'd like him to walk me down the aisle. I also brought up how I needed help with setting up the ceremony and seating guests. He explained that he was very upset with the fact that not only was I allowing my FMIL to pay for our reception but that I was also not allowing my father to walk me down the aisle.

His reasoning for his frustrations were because I was making it clear that there is no representation on my side of the family during the entire wedding. I tried to explain that I attempted to include him twice in the wedding ceremony by asking him to be my escort down the aisle and that I needed him to help set up the chairs for the ceremony and help seat guests. My brother got more frustrated and stated that he is not a janitor and that he will not set up the seats for me or walk me down the aisle as my father needs to do it. He went on further to state that the only way he may walk down the aisle is if my other brother and my father join him as well. I'm just flat uncomfortable with all of that.

I brought up the possibility that I may ask our long time family friend to walk me down the aisle and my brother said that was largely inappropriate. When I suggested our family friend stand with me as a wedding attendant he said, "don't do that to him, don't pussify him." He also went on to say that my fiance messed up by not asking my other brother to be a groomsmen as they have been friends for a long time and it would help signify the unification of both families. I am thinking this is all nuts.. right?

Shouldn't my fiance have the right to pick who he feels comfortable with as a groomsmen? Am I being inconsiderate by asking my brother to help set up the chairs and greet guests as they arrive to the ceremony site? I am trying include to my side of the family in the ceremony as much as possible within limits that I remain comfortable. My cousin is one of my bridesmaids, I asked my frustrated brother if he would then at least light our candle during the ceremony (which he also declined stating that I needed to ask my aunt to do it as she is the matriarch of our family), etc.

So what if my FMIL has been generous and kind enough to pay for our reception? I feel this is none of his concern nor should he be concerned about who my fiance has selected to be in his bridal party. All he is being asked to help in and/or be a part of is the ceremony which I am paying for.. All he has to do at the reception is enjoy himself.. And if he wanted to contribute in any way to the reception he is more than welcome too as anything time he is willing to spend on helping us is greatly appreciated. I just wanted some help with the ceremony set-up and ushering guests. Of course I won't ask him again and if I have to, I will set up the seats myself.. Admittedly, it hurt me when he insinuated that I was treating him like a janitor.. I am not trying to force him to do anything, especially anything degrading. He asked me what he can do and I explained what I needed. I didn't get upset when he declined my requests.. I am not trying to be rude.

I may just be dense too though.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

Your bother has declined being a part of your wedding in pretty much all possible ways except as a guest (as far as I can tell, he's still going to show up, right?) While I get that that's super disappointing to you, it is what it is. He has his own view on things that is very different than yours. Nothing that you're considering doing is inappropriate in the least, and I think this is one area where 'it's my wedding and this is my choice' is perfectly fine. (Although, the most appropriate thing to do is hire someone to set up the chairs - maybe some teenage cousins would like to earn a little extra money?)

And yes, your FI has full control over who he chooses for his wedding party, just as you do. What your brother thinks he should do (and what he thinks YOU should do) is irrelevant. Your bridal party is none of his business.

Jen4948 · April 2014

perdonami said:

UPDATE:

Recently, I have had to revisit the topic of my walk down the aisle with said brother I had originally asked to do me the favor of being my escort. When he asked me what he had to do the day of the ceremony, I brought up how I'd like him to walk me down the aisle. I also brought up how I needed help with setting up the ceremony and seating guests. He explained that he was very upset with the fact that not only was I allowing my FMIL to pay for our reception but that I was also not allowing my father to walk me down the aisle.

His reasoning for his frustrations were because I was making it clear that there is no representation on my side of the family during the entire wedding. I tried to explain that I attempted to include him twice in the wedding ceremony by asking him to be my escort down the aisle and that I needed him to help set up the chairs for the ceremony and help seat guests. My brother got more frustrated and stated that he is not a janitor and that he will not set up the seats for me or walk me down the aisle as my father needs to do it. He went on further to state that the only way he may walk down the aisle is if my other brother and my father join him as well. I'm just flat uncomfortable with all of that.

I brought up the possibility that I may ask our long time family friend to walk me down the aisle and my brother said that was largely inappropriate. When I suggested our family friend stand with me as a wedding attendant he said, "don't do that to him, don't pussify him." He also went on to say that my fiance messed up by not asking my other brother to be a groomsmen as they have been friends for a long time and it would help signify the unification of both families. I am thinking this is all nuts.. right?

Shouldn't my fiance have the right to pick who he feels comfortable with as a groomsmen? Am I being inconsiderate by asking my brother to help set up the chairs and greet guests as they arrive to the ceremony site? I am trying include to my side of the family in the ceremony as much as possible within limits that I remain comfortable. My cousin is one of my bridesmaids, I asked my frustrated brother if he would then at least light our candle during the ceremony (which he also declined stating that I needed to ask my aunt to do it as she is the matriarch of our family), etc.

So what if my FMIL has been generous and kind enough to pay for our reception? I feel this is none of his concern nor should he be concerned about who my fiance has selected to be in his bridal party. All he is being asked to help in and/or be a part of is the ceremony which I am paying for.. All he has to do at the reception is enjoy himself.. And if he wanted to contribute in any way to the reception he is more than welcome too as anything time he is willing to spend on helping us is greatly appreciated. I just wanted some help with the ceremony set-up and ushering guests. Of course I won't ask him again and if I have to, I will set up the seats myself.. Admittedly, it hurt me when he insinuated that I was treating him like a janitor.. I am not trying to force him to do anything, especially anything degrading. He asked me what he can do and I explained what I needed. I didn't get upset when he declined my requests.. I am not trying to be rude.

I may just be dense too though.

Everyone is being rude to you.

Whatever else you do, don't invite the aunt at all. While I do think your brother is right about not expecting him to do setup for free, he is otherwise being completely obnoxious to you, and I'd seriously consider not inviting him at all. I think he will look for any reason he can find to put you down and spoil the day for you.

Since your brother is being so horrible to you, ask someone you can count on to be supportive of you (if there is any such person) to escort you. Do not reveal this person's identity to any of the jackasses in your family who have all been letting you down. It's not up to them or anyone else who walks you down the aisle or stands up with you.

Tell all of them, "For the last time, who walks me down the aisle won't be my father. It's not up to you to decide, and after his terrible behavior throughout my life, I don't care if his feelings are hurt. My wedding is not about reconciling with him. Also, it's up to FI who stands on his side just as it's up to me who stands on mine. This subject is closed." Then don't bring it up again, and if someone else tries, reiterate, "The subject is closed." Bean-dip or do whatever it takes to end the conversation.

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

Your brother sounds like an asshole. The only thing he was correct about is the setting up of the chairs. Just hire someone to do that. I'm sorry you have such unsupportive people in your family.

Why is it any of his business who pays for your wedding. How does it upset him? If I were you, I would have said something like: oh is that an offer to pay, thank you so much! It's your decision who is in your bridal party, and it's your decision who walks you down the aisle. *Hugs*

perdonami · April 2014

Okay, thanks for the feedback.. I agree with you guys that I should just hire someone to set up the chairs and I should not have asked him. That was rude on my part.

If he brings it up again I will tell him that I am not interested in discussing any more wedding planning right now.

I am just beginning to let this stuff get to me now..

Jen4948 · April 2014

perdonami said:

Okay, thanks for the feedback.. I agree with you guys that I should just hire someone to set up the chairs and I should not have asked him. That was rude on my part.

If he brings it up again I will tell him that I am not interested in discussing any more wedding planning right now.

I am just beginning to let this stuff get to me now..

I think the bolded is a great idea to deal with your brother. But don't give him the idea that you will be open to discussing it in the future either.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

OP, I am so sorry your family is putting you through this. You need to stop talking to them about anything wedding related RIGHT NOW. Do not say another word about anything wedding related to your brother, your aunt, or your father.

If they ask, say the discussion is closed and then notice something shiny, or notice a squirrel Up! style and change the subject. Bean-dip right out of those conversations. If they continue to press, hang up, or if you are in person, excuse yourself to the bathroom and if they try to continue the conversation after you get back, and reiterating that the subject is closed doesn't work, straight up leave.

May I ask why not inviting the aunt would ruin the day? Will your brother not attend if she doesn't come? If he is drawing that line, is it worth having them there, making your day more stressful? I only ask because it seems to me like you are putting more value on your relationship with your brother than he is. He seems to be valuing ridiculous traditions and silly hierarchies (I'm sorry, your Aunt is the matriarch so she should have a say? Bang up job she's doing leading the family....) over his relationship with you - and your happiness on YOUR wedding day. I obviously have no idea about the intricacies of your relationship with your brother, and you obviously care for him since you initially asked him to walk you down the aisle, but if it were me, the behavior of his you've described would make me strongly reconsider my relationship. But again, that's me, and we obviously only know what you've told us.

At any rate, whether you invite them or not, DO NOT DISCUSS THE WEDDING WITH THEM PRIOR TO THE WEDDING DAY. Cannot stress that enough. If your brother is a groomsman, provide him only the information he needs to stand next to your FI and nothing else.

Good luck, and keep your chin up.

Oh, and FWIW, I totally vote for tiger riding

Bubblegum5586 · April 2014

I was once a BM in a wedding where the bride was determined to have her father walk her down the aisle. They didn't really have a relationship as he left when she was young then remarried and had children the he stayed and raised. Her mom was a single mom the majority of her childhood. The thing that made is stranger was we had no idea if he was even coming... he didn't even show up to the rehearsal and we didn't know for sure if he was even coming to the wedding. But bride really wanted her dad to walk her down because that is what is traditional. I remember the night before the MOB telling a few BMs how hurt she was as she was the one that raised her and should give her away. Sure enough dad shows up and walks his daughter down the aisle looking F*CKING MISERABLE the entire time. Every picture he has s scowl!

ANYWAY.... my point is, I thought that it was weird that she was so determined to have her dad just because that was the tradition even though they had a non existent relationship. I think you are doing the right thing by NOT choosing your dad if that is not the relationship you have with him!

perdonami · April 2014

ladyamanuet said:

May I ask why not inviting the aunt would ruin the day? Will your brother not attend if she doesn't come? If he is drawing that line, is it worth having them there, making your day more stressful? I only ask because it seems to me like you are putting more value on your relationship with your brother than he is. He seems to be valuing ridiculous traditions and silly hierarchies (I'm sorry, your Aunt is the matriarch so she should have a say? Bang up job she's doing leading the family....) over his relationship with you - and your happiness on YOUR wedding day.

At any rate, whether you invite them or not, DO NOT DISCUSS THE WEDDING WITH THEM PRIOR TO THE WEDDING DAY.

Oh, and FWIW, I totally vote for tiger riding

Thank you for your advice and I will be taking it. No more wedding conversations with anyone on my side of the fence. I think it may even be wise to continue this plan even after the wedding as I am sure there will be continued negativity.

In regards to the bolded, you are correct, I am placing more emphasis on our relationship than he is. We use to be best friends growing up and he was one of the most supportive people in my life growing up. Somehow through the years (for various reasons), our relationship has changed and I need to accept that. You are not the only person to point this out to me, my fiance has several times as well. The best thing for me to do is to let go and move on.

However, if I don't invite them to the wedding, the resulting drama would ruin it. I think its better for me to take the high road and just not discuss any more wedding details with my family. If they mention being included in the wedding in any way, I'll just bean dip out of there (BTW, never heard that phrase before, thanks for explaining it lol).

And I definitely agree about the tiger riding as well. Although, since I can't swing that, I am going to ask my cousin/bridesmaid to escort me down the aisle. I may just ask my fiance how he feels about just having his best man already up there with him that way my cousin can escort me and everyone else in the bridal party will also still have an escort. However it works out, I am sure it will be fine so as long as I no longer discuss the details with any family members.

perdonami · April 2014

bubblegum1309 said:

Sure enough dad shows up and walks his daughter down the aisle looking F*CKING MISERABLE the entire time. Every picture he has s scowl!

ANYWAY.... my point is, I thought that it was weird that she was so determined to have her dad just because that was the tradition even though they had a non existent relationship. I think you are doing the right thing by NOT choosing your dad if that is not the relationship you have with him!

We do have an extremely strained relationship, and if we walked together, I think I would be the one looking miserable with a scowl on my face. Besides that, I would literally be putting on a show for our guests. A pretentious display of a non existent relationship for the sake of tradition. No one seems to understand this on my side of the family. My father is sensitive though and I do try to keep in mind that he suffers from a disease but its not like I am denying him attendance to the wedding, just not walk me down the aisle (or the father-daughter dance).

Sometimes, saying that out loud or even just typing it out makes me feel like I am being a spoiled brat. I just don't agree with his substance abuse, and until he makes a concerted effort toward recovery, our relationship will continue to be strained.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

I just want to add that if he asked how he could help, I don't think it was rude to mention the chairs. It wasn't like you were demanding him to do that or trying to assign a task. He offered to help and then got offended when you tried to take advantage of it.

Also your family is full of ass holes. Sorry, but they are. Your brother is wrong about everything.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

@perdonami good luck! I think you are right that taking the high road will save stress and drama in the long run. Invite them, be cordial to them, but don't include them in ANY planning and exclude them from any parts of the ceremony/reception you don't want them to be a part of.

I also think it would be a good idea for you to sit down and go through all of this with FI. I get the not liking confrontation thing (my dude is the saaaaame way and it bugs they heck out of me that he doesn't stand up for himself more). So you need to explain a) tradition can suck it and sooooo many weddings have barely anything traditional any more and b) why this is so important to you - both not having your dad do it and why you still wish to be escorted and not going down alone. It's an important convo to have because it is his wedding to, but he needs to understand why his "preference" (or whatever it is) for tradition should not trump your feelings. And tell him YOU will be the one dealing with any fallout, not him - maybe that will alleviate his fear of impending conflict.

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