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Fiance Social Anxiety, Small Wedding/ Big Reception

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Re: Fiance Social Anxiety, Small Wedding/ Big Reception

  • Dignity100Dignity100 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    First off - anxiety affects people differently.  It's not fair for one person to compare their anxiety issues to another. 

    I think you should be fine having an intimate ceremony and a small reception after the ceremony.  I know this was one option that my FI and I were looking at because my mother has social anxiety (and it's gotten worse over the years).  In the end, we both decided that we didn't want to be the center of attention at a reception and are having a small dinner after our wedding.


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  • TheGrimReaperTheGrimReaper member
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    @TheGrimReaper I think the OP said that her fiance doesn't want a wedding at all. It sounds like even having a small ceremony with family present, followed by 50 people at the reception, is a huge compromise.

     

     

    STUCK!!!

    Yeah, I misread that part of OP's post.  Having 50 people there with that severe of social anxiety is a big thing to do. H would have gone to the courthouse, just the two of us, if that would have made me more comfortable.  But I wasn't willing to do that to him! 

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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    ScoutF said:
    CMGragain said:
    Counseling!  I don't buy it.  Are you sure he really wants to be married at all?  If he is this inflexible about your wedding, how are you going to solve other issues in your life?  I would give him back his ring if he is unwilling to compromise.
    @CMGragain Can I ask why your first thought is ALWAYS that someone isn't ready to get married? You judging someone's entire relationship based off of one post is getting very old.
    Thank you for saying what I have been thinking for quite some time.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @emz101 - So if it is just the saying the vows in front of a large crowd is the issue then having an intimate wedding with just immediate family and then a larger reception is fine.  Yes, there will be some people who will be irked that they weren't invited to the ceremony but they will either A) get over it and come to the reception or B) decline completely.

    I will say that the fact that your FI refuses to get any kind of help for his disorder is an issue.  This disorder of his can cause even more issues later down the road and if he isn't willing to work on himself then that is not fair to you or your relationship.

    But as far as the wedding is concern, you are good etiquette wise.

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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    I'm going to ignore the anxiety/counceling debate and just respond to the initial question:

     

    Yes,it is generally acceptable to have an "immediate family only" ceremony followed by a large reception.  However, that usually means a ceremony of 10-15 people and then a reception of 100+.  How many people would be at this ceremony?  The reason i ask is that if your reception will only be 50 people, but the cermeony will be 25, then i can completely understand the other 25 people being insulted that they were only invited to part of the festivities.  If you're going to do this, the ceremony needs to be no more than 10-15% of your reception guests.  MAYBE 20%, absolute tops.  For a 50 person reception, that means you would only want to have 5-10 guests at your ceremony.  Is that what you're planning?

     

    If that doesn't work for you, I'd find a way to invite everyone to everything.  Meaning that you need to either have a ceremony including all 50 people, or a reception with less than 50 people.

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  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    Did I miss the part about her FI refusing to get counseling/help? I think some people may be jumping to conclusions. 

    Her FI could be getting help already, but still just not ready to face getting married in front of a bunch of people. I don't think this in itself would necessarily create problems in other aspects of his life. Some people don't like public speaking, and avoid it. I think they do just fine in life. And like others have stated, I think the fact he is willing to have a larger reception shows that he is willing to compromise.

    I have my own issues with shyness/anxiety, and I'm not looking forward to being the center of attention at my wedding, either.
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  • Dignity100Dignity100 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @jules3964 - in the OP's post, she added that her FI refuses counseling. 

    The OP did not say why he refuses - I know my mom doesn't go because she has social anxiety and opening up to a stranger is part of that anxiety (also her medical coverage didn't cover it).  Everybody is different when it comes to social anxiety issues and we are just guessing why he does not want to go to counseling.  I'm sure the OP is well aware of her FI's "issues" and reasons behind why he is not seeking treatment and has made her peace with that (at least I'd hope she has).


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  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    Ah, I see now -- not sure how I missed that, I even went back and reread it. 

    Well, I still think having "stage fright" about the wedding doesn't necessarily mean he's doomed in other aspects of life. Refusing counseling because of the anxiety of opening up to a stranger would definitely make sense for someone with social anxiety. I'd imagine it'd also be hard to confront those fears.
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    It is possible to have an amazing wedding with fewer people there. I honestly don't get the huge weddings/receptions where people want to invite everyone they have ever met in their lives. I personally would rather share that moment with just those people that are closest to me.  I think it makes the event more special to just share it with those closest to you.  But I also have some measure of social anxiety and tend to get full blown panic attacks if I'm the focus of attention in a crowd. But, its not so big of an issue if I know the people, so I figure it won't be so bad at my wedding.  We expect about 30 guests (so it's small to begin with), but it's parents, siblings, and closest friends that I'm comfortable around.  And even with our small group, we plan to have everything a larger wedding would have and expect it to be great.  But, don't assume that you can't have your dream wedding and have it small... unless of course your dream wedding is to be surrounded by 300 acquaintances and strangers.  But, you need to discuss with FI and figure out what solution you can both live with and be happy with.

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  • erinlin25erinlin25 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Talk to your fiance about what is going to be less overwhelming for him.  Is it just saying vows (public speaking)? You can pick quick traditional vows and remind him it will just be the two of you.  My husband had a similar anxiety, but he is no means shy or has social anxiety-- but the idea of everyone looking at him made him nervous, and later divulged it was writing/saying our own vows that made him nervous because he was afraid he would lose his place, or miss something and sound like a blubbering idiot and people would laugh...and I was afraid I would cry and look silly so we decided to use traditional vows in the ceremony but exchanged cards with our own "vows" prior to the ceremony that we read in private.  We were both nervous with the idea of everyone looking at us, but we kept reminding each other there were not going to be people there we did not know, and it was just us up there.  We discussed with our reverend how it was a little overwhelming of being the center of attention and how it made us nervous.  Our reverend calmed our nerves by understanding and promising to walk us through it.  we also chose to have a quick ceremony.  Our reverend made sure when it came time to repeat vows he kept each repetition short (processional to recessional was 13 minutes!) so we could easily repeat and not get our words mixed up.  We also decided to have H walk down the aisle with his mom so he did not have to walk by himself.  and as soon as we saw each other that was all we could look at. When we got to the end of the aisle and up to the alter, before he turned on the mic, our reverend looked as us and told us to both breathe; it was just about us and no one else.  That really calmed our nerves and the next 10 minutes flew by without even thinking of anything else. 

    so find what portion really makes him nervous. Go over the guest list and have him see that all the guests are close family/friends, people you know, etc. Remind him it is just about the two of you and to just focus on each other.  Sounds like a smaller guest list is your compromise.  But maybe choose to not do spotlight dances, garter toss, etc.  DJ can easily not draw attention if you ask him to. There is no reason to have everyone watch you cut the cake, or do a garter toss if these things will make him nervous.  As for a first dance you can compromise by starting just the two of you for a minute, but then the DJ can invite people up--maybe have your dad and his mom break in and the two of you dance with them; or invite parents, grandparents, etc to come dance too.  Think of ways to make it so the attention is not just on you two.
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  • kvreswkvresw member
    Fifth Anniversary First Comment
    This may not be entirely helpful, but my fiance and I are going through the EXACT same issue. He has several anxiety disorders that make the idea of standing up in front of people a total nightmare for him. If your fiance is anything like mine, the wedding reception is not really an issue, just the ceremony.

    We haven't come to a decision yet, but my fiance has been willing to seek treatment. This was really important to me- I would be really hurt and concerned about the state of our relationship if he could outwardly deny me something that means as much as a wedding ceremony without even trying to get help. But treatment doesn't guarantee anything. 

    Our goal is for him to feel comfortable being up in front of immediate family. My hope/wish is that he be able to stand up in front of everyone we're inviting (60 people). Our back-up plan is a private ceremony at sunrise.

    I'm sharing this because for me, it's been important to understand and discuss with my fiance WHY the wedding is important, as well as to create a shared goal/compromise. But we have a back-up, so that if his anxiety treatment isn't a "quick-fix" we know there is an alternative. And I've told him what I want- to have everyone there- so that if he somehow DOES overcome his anxiety disorder, there's more of a chance he'll be willing to do it.

    Please let us know how everything turns out! And know that you're certainly not alone.
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  • lizzypoo96lizzypoo96 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    @kvresw and others- I have been dealing with social anxiety my whole life- recently diagnosed and treated (four years ago). First of all, everyone deals with it differently and is triggered differently. The other issue is often people with social anxiety are convinced they're "broken" because that has been their reality forever, so believing that it's fixable is hard.

    I know I'll probably get slammed for this- but at the end of the day, the best thing was doing research on coping strategies and starting a mild dose of anti-anxiety medication. The medicine has not made me some social butterfly, but it has made it so much easier for me to handle social functions. For the wedding, what's comforting to me is that I will be in my comfort zone- surrounded by people I know and love- not strangers. I also throghout the years have learned to tell myself- "it's ok to be nervous, it's ok to be overwhelmed..." 

    best of luck!
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    edited July 2014
    CMGragain said: You are beginning to irritate me with your attitude.  Have you ever had counseling?  I have.  Lots of it!  I wouldn't be in the good marriage I now enjoy without it.
    There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with counseling.  Most churches actually require it before marriage.  It often prevents couples from plunging into a marriage that isn't meant to be.
    The OP says her fiance has told her "he is uncomfortable being the center of attention."  This shouldn't affect him so severely that he is unable to participate in a small (50 guests) wedding.  If it does, he needs professional help, both medical and therapy.  If he doesn't have anxiety disorder, and he isn't willing to compromise to please his fiancee, then I see major red flags which a counselor will discover.
    My late MIL had borderline agoraphobia.  She refused treatment and lived in denial.  She hurt her family and her marriage.


     To the bolded: you're in no place to make such a determination. Maybe his anxiety s    houldn't affect him so severely, but the fact that it does and you have no right to tell the OP that this is wrong. You're making judgments based on a post or two from a complete stranger about a man who you have NEVER heard nor read a word from. I think you need to relax and step away from the keyboard. If you have no etiquette advice to offer for the OP, then please recognize that your input is not only unhelpful but completely unnecessary and borderline offensive.

    Edited to fix formatting
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  • mrsmagicgeekmrsmagicgeek member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    Yeah, I couldn't do it, standing up in front of 50 people staring at me. I just couldn't. Neither can my fiancé, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your POV), thus eloping on a hot air balloon with only my daughter in attendance. FI and I are having problems dealing with the photographer being there (someone we don't know) but we both recognize that if we regret not having pictures later we can't go back in time, so we're sucking it up.

    To the OP, your plan sounds fine to me and if you're both ok with it I think it's a wonderful compromise.
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  • danamwdanamw member
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    I have to agree, counseling doesn't work for socialphobes, any more than it would work for a diabetic. I am socially phobic to an extent, but it is different for everyone.
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  • scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    danamw said:
    I have to agree, counseling doesn't work for socialphobes, any more than it would work for a diabetic. I am socially phobic to an extent, but it is different for everyone.
    Sorry to be blunt, but this is simply untrue.  As someone who has been involved in anxiety research and has done work as a counselor, I can confidently say that in many cases counseling, medications or some combination can be very effective in reducing or even eliminating the symptoms of anxiety.  Especially if it is the result of a phobia.  Phobias are one of the single most consistently, successfully treatable psychological disorders.  

    And, btw, counseling can actually be a part of diabetes management, in terms of building good habits in terms of health management.  No, it should definitely not be the only treatment, but to use that comparison to discredit counseling in the case of anxiety is absurd.  

    OP, I wou    ld suggest that if your FI or you see a disruption in your lives due to unmanaged symptoms of anxiety, I would highly recommend him seeing a counselor.  If you both are fine with how his symptoms affect your lives, then it might not be necessary.  Up to you guys.  
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