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Couples Shower is confusing my FI..

Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 member
Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So.... He really wants to be there to open gifts because he's such a big cook most of the gifts are for him anyway. So my MOH made a cute invitation that says please join us for a wedding shower... And she had asked him and his mom for their guest list.

Well FI is coming back saying invite Luke and Skyler and Matt... Basically all his groomsmen.. And I was like why? We would invite their wives but not the men... Its a shower... But he is convinced that the husbands of every woman in attendance need to be invited also.. Because its a couples shower not a bridal shower...

Am I wrong? Do I need to tell my MOH to address invites to Mr. And Mrs. Or just to Mrs?

I don't mind if men come, don't get me wrong, but I was under the impression men don't usually attend showers.

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Re: Couples Shower is confusing my FI..

  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What type of shower do you want? It sounds like he wants his friends to come along too, so why not have a couples shower?  I've actually never been to a couples shower, but my FI has. Either way is fine.
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wedding showers don't HAVE to be for just the women. You yourself said that a lot of the requested gifts were for him. I don't see why he can't have any of his friends there with him.

    Couples showers aren't literally for couples. It means the groom will be there, too. And since he'll be there, HIS groomsmen could be there too.

    Why would the WIVES of his groomsmen be there? Are you close friends with them? Is he?
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  • KittyKaty20KittyKaty20 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    A Couples' Shower is usually a party for men and women to attend, so your FI is correct if that is how the shower is being billed.

    In many regions, the Groom does help open presents, and thank everyone, but that is a part of a "traditional" shower, and usually his female relatives are there, but not his friends.

    This isn't something done in my area, though, so other posters may have more info.

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  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited April 2014
    Okay, I'm okay with the groomsmen being there. But what about our neighbors husbands and our uncles? Just.. Weird.. IMO...

    ETA: he just said maybe I shouldn't be there if its just for women. I said well you're being showered with gifts too so that's why its okay for you to be there.. But now I'm thinking maybe it should just be me lol

    It was asked what kind of shower we want.. Well I told my MOH that I wanted a traditional shower with the ladies and that FI wanted to help open gifts. It never occurred to me that men actually attend these events to watch people open kitchen gadgets.

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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Sugargirl1019 said:

    Okay, I'm okay with the groomsmen being there. But what about our neighbors husbands and our uncles? Just.. Weird.. IMO...

    ETA: he just said maybe I shouldn't be there if its just for women. I said well you're being showered with gifts too so that's why its okay for you to be there.. But now I'm thinking maybe it should just be me lol

    It doesn't have to be "just for women."

    Are you inviting your neighbors to your shower?

    And, no, you don't HAVE to invite the uncles, just because the aunts are invited. Your Fi requested his groomsmen. Invite the groomsmen. Does he want the uncles? If so, invite the uncles.

    I will warn that you should clear this with the host, first, of course. Couples showers can add up quick. Just come to a guest count agreement.
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  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I think it would be better to have a shower that had both men and women attending. That is just my opinion. I've gotten along better with guys and I have a hard time making small talk with women. That is part of why I don't go to showers very often.
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  • Sugargirl1019Sugargirl1019 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited April 2014
    I just asked the host and she said "absolutely not this a ladies event with punch, deli sandwiches, cupcakes and cute games - I m not allowing beer and BBQ at this event. I do not want men invited."

    So there we go.

    ETA: now she wants to change the wording to bridal shower instead of wedding shower.

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Sugargirl1019 said:
    I just asked the host and she said "absolutely not this a ladies event with punch, deli sandwiches, cupcakes and cute games - I m not allowing beer and BBQ at this event. I do not want men invited." So there we go. ETA: now she wants to change the wording to bridal shower instead of wedding shower.
    Your FI can still go, even if it's all ladies. I've been to many showers where the groom is there as well, but all of the guests are women. Sometimes the groom opens up the gifts as well, other times he's in the back (usually with the bride's father).
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  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Simply Fated said:

    Sugargirl1019 said:

    I just asked the host and she said "absolutely not this a ladies event with punch, deli sandwiches, cupcakes and cute games - I m not allowing beer and BBQ at this event. I do not want men invited."

    So there we go.

    ETA: now she wants to change the wording to bridal shower instead of wedding shower.

    WTF is wrong with people? Since when is beer and bbq a must have just because men are there? And since when do women shun beer and bbq? Is food not gender neutral? Is this shower being thrown in 1955?

    Either way, I still feel like there could be a compromise in there somewhere. What does your fiance think? I mean, the gifts are partially for him. But, she is the hostess. If what she is throwing is not what you want or is offensive for him, you can always turn down the shower. But it doesn't sound like you're on the same page as him, anyway.
    Yea, this whole situation is weird. And I like bbq better than most men.

    Op's attitude towards men being there and the hosts with the food. The while "men watching them open kitchen gadgets" comment was odd, especially since she said her fi was more of the chef. So if he is interested in opening it, why would his guys want to watch him.

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  • schellzinatorschellzinator member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper

    My FI didn't want to attend my shower because he has only been to one couples shower and he was miserable. I did not have a preference either way for him to be there or not. It also made things a heck of a lot easier since my shower was three hours away and my bachelorette party was that night and someone had to watch our pup :).  I think it really just depends on the couple.

    As for BBQ & Beer - that is one of my favorite pastimes!

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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Sugargirl1019 said:
    So.... He really wants to be there to open gifts because he's such a big cook most of the gifts are for him anyway. So my MOH made a cute invitation that says please join us for a wedding shower... And she had asked him and his mom for their guest list. Well FI is coming back saying invite Luke and Skyler and Matt... Basically all his groomsmen.. And I was like why? We would invite their wives but not the men... Its a shower... But he is convinced that the husbands of every woman in attendance need to be invited also.. Because its a couples shower not a bridal shower... Am I wrong? Do I need to tell my MOH to address invites to Mr. And Mrs. Or just to Mrs? I don't mind if men come, don't get me wrong, but I was under the impression men don't usually attend showers.
    I agree with your FI.  Why would you have a "couples shower" and only invite women?  That makes no sense.

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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    This whole situation is weird. In my circle either is it a bridal shower with just the bride and women or a couples shower with the to-be-marrieds and other couples, not just them. I went to one regular 'bridal' shower where the groom was there and it was really awkward. I'm sure it could have not been, but he just stood around and looked seriously bored. 
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  • MrsAitchMrsAitch member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I'm not sure why everyone is overreacting. I like in a pretty conservative area mind you, and most of the men I know would have NO interest in attending a bridal shower, maybe not even their own. My fiance did come to one of ours (we had one for my side of the family, one for his, no overlap in the guest lists) and enjoyed opening the gifts with us, but if we would've done games or anything I know he would've had no interest in playing them. Bridal showers are traditionally a female-only event, and if most of the men in your circle have no interest in housewares, why would you invite them?

    And I don't know what the deal is with the silly outrage over men not wanting to eat girly food or whatever. Most men I know eat a whole lot more than the women I know and tend to prefer a lot heavier food--how is that a silly thing to say? After going to our shower and eating soup, salad, croissant, cake, and punch, my fiance was still hungry and stopped to get some fast food. Maybe it's because his job involves a lot of physically tough labor, but that man can eat like a horse...and most men I know eat like that.
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  • emmaaaemmaaa mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary

    Aside from anything political about gender roles: If your fiance wants to be there, then he should be there. If he wants certain men invited, invite them. This may mean you need to trim the guest list some so it won't go over the number of guests agreed upon with the host. If your host is providing certain foods and drinks and planning "cute" games, the guys will eat and drink what is available. They may skip the games if they want and talk in another area while it is being played.

    Mind you, most men I know would not come to a shower. At my bridal shower, FI and his GM will probably be at the house and come help me load the gifts towards the end. Me and FI's sister have thought about doing a couples shower (because we want to include him and he does want to do one) and doing a "stock the bar" type idea. It will be geared more towards friends (men and women) rather than older family members.

    P.S. I love beer and BBQ. And burgers. But I do understand where your host was coming from.


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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    Does including your fi's friends increase the guest list? The host gets to decide on the number of guests, menu, location etc... because it affects the budget for the shower. Her remark about the menu was probably a clumsy excuse if she was taken off guard by seeing men included on fi's guest list. I think you should either accept your MOHs offer, without trying to rework her plans or politely decline. 

    Also, I don't understand your fi's reasoning. Why should all the women's husbands be invited, but not his male friends' S/Os? That doesn't make sense to me. I have been invited to a few Jack and Jill showers (talking about gift showers, not fundraisers) and all S/Os were included. 


                       
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  • jalyndanijalyndani member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    I think your hostess has a big stick up her butt personally. I too have a vagina and personally would love BBQ at a shower, and I hate "cute games". 

    FI & I are having a "couples shower" hosted by friends of his mom. Both the males and females of each couple are invited. Groomsmen & their wives, fathers, male & female cousins, male & female friends... it's a damned party for the both of us. And yeah, FI is super excited about opening kitchen gadget gifts- not only is that the majority of what we registered for, HE'S the chef in this relationship! If it were just me opening shit, my reactions would be along the lines of, "oh look, a collapsible spaghetti strainer....what am I supposed to do with this again?"  

    ETA: Oh, and the food there will be Mexican- fajitas & beer/ margaritas- and I bet there's cake/cupcakes present. Should we make sure anyone with a penis stays away from the cupcakes and only drinks the beer? Pffft. 

    Everyone involved here needs to get on the same page before proceeding any further. 


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  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    Put me in the I hate stupid shower games column. Also I love beer and BBQ. Since when is food gender specific? I'm not having a shower but if I did it would be a couples shower because I would actually like some of my friends to be there and the majority of my friends are guys. I think I'm close to maybe 3 women who aren't related to me by blood or marriage.
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  • mbross3mbross3 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I love couples showers. I think the idea that only women should attend showers is downright silly.

    I honestly can't imagine why one half of the couple is just assumed to not want to be there/shouldn't be there! Not to mention roughly one-half of the people who are important to the couple (just an estimate, obviously some people may have more men or more women in their lives). 

    OP it sounds like this was something your FI was excited about until you basically told him that this isn't something men do. You and your host should maybe rethink your attitude about gendering these types of events. It's the 21st century and most of us here believe that people are allowed to enjoy whatever they want and that whatever is between their legs shouldn't determine what they choose to enjoy. 
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    grumbledore said:
    MrsAitch said:
    I'm not sure why everyone is overreacting. I like in a pretty conservative area mind you, and most of the men I know would have NO interest in attending a bridal shower, maybe not even their own. My fiance did come to one of ours (we had one for my side of the family, one for his, no overlap in the guest lists) and enjoyed opening the gifts with us, but if we would've done games or anything I know he would've had no interest in playing them. Bridal showers are traditionally a female-only event, and if most of the men in your circle have no interest in housewares, why would you invite them?

    And I don't know what the deal is with the silly outrage over men not wanting to eat girly food or whatever. Most men I know eat a whole lot more than the women I know and tend to prefer a lot heavier food--how is that a silly thing to say? After going to our shower and eating soup, salad, croissant, cake, and punch, my fiance was still hungry and stopped to get some fast food. Maybe it's because his job involves a lot of physically tough labor, but that man can eat like a horse...and most men I know eat like that.
    Why is it assumed that women like stupid shower games and "girly food" (whatever the fuck that means, since food, imo, is pretty damn gender-neutral).

    Maybe it's because half the regs here seem to live in liberal MA, but I think a lot of us find this kind of crap seriously outdated and insulting, not to mention just plain silly.

    And frankly, in the OP's situation, it sounds like her FI wants to participate and have his friends there, which trumps any ridiculous notions about ladies or whatever this shit is about.
    I grew up in a super conservative town and I still think there's a lot of bullshit going on in this thread. I'm especially annoyed by this whole gender-specific food idea. I mean I'd probably still be hungry if all I had was salad, soup, cake, and punch - does that make me less feminine? It just is so ridiculous and insulting!

    @Marie Poppy - I didn't see where her FI said only wives' husbands should be invited. I saw that he wanted to invite his groomsmen and OP said to only invite their wives.


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