Wedding Party

Wedding Party Awkwardness - How to Handle

Melissa0090Melissa0090 member
First Comment
edited April 2014 in Wedding Party
I've settled on 3 girls who I want to have on my side, and my fiance has chosen his brother and childhood friend, but is struggling with a 3rd. His next closest friend is actually MY cousin's husband - we've spent quite a bit of time with them as couples, and he wants to ask him - but I wasn't planning on having my cousin. At first I thought that there was no way this could happen gracefully and he'd need to choose someone else - but now that I think about it, he should be able to have his buddy - I'm just not sure how to broach the subject with my cousin. Can anyone think of a diplomatic way to handle this?

On another note - my fiance's brother (his best man) is a photographer and wants to do photos - which he will, and my cousin is also a great photographer and said she can pick up whatever his brother won't be able to do. So she already has something to do that day, which I'm hoping helps with the slightly awkward situation.

Before anyone mentions it - I KNOW the sides don't have to be even, but I would really, really like them to be.
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Re: Wedding Party Awkwardness - How to Handle

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2014
    So, since YOU would like even sides, your fiance has to "struggle" to come up with a wedding party member? You don't have to ask your cousin just because he asks her husband. There's nothing to broach.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    grumbledorePrettyGirlLostei34
  • I've settled on 3 girls who I want to have on my side, and my fiance has chosen his brother and childhood friend, but is struggling with a 3rd. His next closest friend is actually MY cousin's husband - we've spent quite a bit of time with them as couples, and he wants to ask him - but I wasn't planning on having my cousin. At first I thought that there was no way this could happen gracefully and he'd need to choose someone else - but now that I think about it, he should be able to have his buddy - I'm just not sure how to broach the subject with my cousin. Can anyone think of a diplomatic way to handle this?

    On another note - my fiance's brother (his best man) is a photographer and wants to do photos - which he will, and my cousin is also a great photographer and said she can pick up whatever his brother won't be able to do. So she already has something to do that day, which I'm hoping helps with the slightly awkward situation.

    Before anyone mentions it - I KNOW the sides don't have to be even, but I would really, really like them to be.

    I'm glad you recognize sides don't have to be even, but you still want them to be, get over that. Don't just have people as props in your wedding. It sucks, trust me.

    In regards to the photographer situation, how the hell is your FI's BM going to take pictures at your wedding? Don't have your guests work for you even if they offer. They're your guests, hire a photographer that's not a guest or family member.

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  • I've settled on 3 girls who I want to have on my side, and my fiance has chosen his brother and childhood friend, but is struggling with a 3rd. His next closest friend is actually MY cousin's husband - we've spent quite a bit of time with them as couples, and he wants to ask him - but I wasn't planning on having my cousin. At first I thought that there was no way this could happen gracefully and he'd need to choose someone else - but now that I think about it, he should be able to have his buddy - I'm just not sure how to broach the subject with my cousin. Can anyone think of a diplomatic way to handle this?

    On another note - my fiance's brother (his best man) is a photographer and wants to do photos - which he will, and my cousin is also a great photographer and said she can pick up whatever his brother won't be able to do. So she already has something to do that day, which I'm hoping helps with the slightly awkward situation.

    SITB

    Your fiance doesn't HAVE to have three just to match you.  Uneven sides are perfectly fine.  If he would want his friend to be in the wedding party regardless of how many, then of course he should add him, and that SHOULD NOT require you adding your cousin.  No one should assume they are in a wedding party just because their SO is.  I had some couples that were both in our wedding party, but it was purely because we are both very close.  If they hadn't been in relationships with each other our wedding party would have still looked exactly the same...
    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • Very helpful. Thank you all for your kind words and thoughtful advice.
    ll6747SteffJay
  • MadHops21MadHops21 Buried in blankets member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I've settled on 3 girls who I want to have on my side, and my fiance has chosen his brother and childhood friend, but is struggling with a 3rd. His next closest friend is actually MY cousin's husband - we've spent quite a bit of time with them as couples, and he wants to ask him - but I wasn't planning on having my cousin. At first I thought that there was no way this could happen gracefully and he'd need to choose someone else - but now that I think about it, he should be able to have his buddy - I'm just not sure how to broach the subject with my cousin. Can anyone think of a diplomatic way to handle this?

    On another note - my fiance's brother (his best man) is a photographer and wants to do photos - which he will, and my cousin is also a great photographer and said she can pick up whatever his brother won't be able to do. So she already has something to do that day, which I'm hoping helps with the slightly awkward situation.

    Before anyone mentions it - I KNOW the sides don't have to be even, but I would really, really like them to be.
    Why do you want them to be? for pictures?
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
    Funny Awkward animated GIF
  • Pictures, balance.. perhaps if they were bigger parties, one odd number wouldn't make a difference, but I feel like it would when it were 3:2. I just like symmetry. The balance wasn't even the question though.. the question is not insulting my cousin when my fiancee asks her husband, but I don't ask her. 
  • Pictures, balance.. perhaps if they were bigger parties, one odd number wouldn't make a difference, but I feel like it would when it were 3:2. I just like symmetry. The balance wasn't even the question though.. the question is not insulting my cousin when my fiancee asks her husband, but I don't ask her. 

    YOUR WEDDING PARTY ARE NOT PROPS! JFC, I have two BMs, a MOH and FI has a BM and a GM, I'm not making FI go find some random to make sure our pictures are perfect. We want people there who we care about.

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  • Where on earth did you get 'random'? FFS, I'm not forcing him to take out a newspaper ad, this is a good friend for my fiance, and a family member for me.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Pictures, balance.. perhaps if they were bigger parties, one odd number wouldn't make a difference, but I feel like it would when it were 3:2. I just like symmetry. The balance wasn't even the question though.. the question is not insulting my cousin when my fiancee asks her husband, but I don't ask her. 

    YOUR WEDDING PARTY ARE NOT PROPS! JFC, I have two BMs, a MOH and FI has a BM and a GM, I'm not making FI go find some random to make sure our pictures are perfect. We want people there who we care about.
    So much this.

    And if your photographer is any good then he/she will know how to position people so that the pictures do not look unbalanced regardless of the evenness of the sides.

    H and I had uneven sides (him 5, me 2).  Do these pictures look "uneven" just because I had 3 fewer girls in dresses then he had guys in tuxes? (Oh and our officiant was in the first picture so the balance would have been off regardless).



    grumbledoredoeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Where on earth did you get 'random'? FFS, I'm not forcing him to take out a newspaper ad, this is a good friend for my fiance, and a family member for me.
    If it was such a good friend then your FI would most likely have already asked him. You shouldn't force him to choose anyone because you want the sides to be even. You pick your side, he picks his. If they end up uneven, oh well. Life goes on.

    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    If your cousin gets insulted that she doesn't get asked when her husband does, she needs to grow up and get over it.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2014

    "i like symmetry" is just a nice way of saying "because i want my ceremony and pictures to look even" which basically means "i'm using people as photo props."

     

    it doesn't matter.  if you really want 3 and he wants 2, so be it.  If he asks his 3rd and that makes you want to ask a 4th, just do that.  i was just in a wedding with 3 bridesmaids and 1 groomsman.  Totally not symmetrical, and the pictures still look awesome.  but that's probably because they hired a professional photographer. 

     

    a professional wedding photographer knows how to arrange pictures so that uneven wedding parties look completely fine.  i would seriously consider hiring a professional if i were you. go read the thread over in etiquette about the bride who was using her friends as her ceremony musicians, and they didn't show up.  that's the kind of thing that happens when you use friends and family without legally binding contracts as your vendors.  my photographer is my college roommate, but she is a professional wedding photographer, and i am paying her fees (with a slight friends and family discount), so she is a fully contracted vendor.  my planner wouldn't let me sign with her until she vetted her to make sure she was legit (she lives 2500 miles away and is traveling for the occassion, so my planner has never worked with her before).  the only way to guarantee you get the pictures you want is to hire a vetted professional.  period.  your friends and family can take all the pictures they want as backup.

     

    You could also ask your cousin to do a ceremony reading instead of making her a bridesmaid.  that's an available option.  my closest friend who isn't a bridesmaid is doing that at our wedding, and she's psyched about it because she will be 7 months pregnant at the time of the wedding and did not want to deal with a bridesmaid dress.  she's moderately concerned about tottling up to the altar (it's her first baby so she has no idea how this will go), but i told her we'd get her a wheelchair or hand her a microphone at her seat if need be. ;-)

    PrettyGirlLost
  • While I agree that sides don't need to be even, I do understand the want for symmetry.  I have a good friend who has issues with odd numbers (and don't get her started on prime numbers.  We once had to read a book for an education class where the book's chapters were numbered using only prime numbers, it drove her crazy :)  But I love her!

    I think Maggie0829's pictures are a great example of how to create that look when sides are uneven.  

    However, I see that this is someone your FI wants in the wedding, not just a random person.  But your cousin shouldn't have an issue unless you are inviting all the other cousins (steel magnolias) which you aren't.  Even then it isn't on you, its on her if she is offended.

    I do wonder though, how is your best man going to take pictures?  And unless your cousin has offered her services without you asking I would just hire someone.  Even if she and your best man offered, I would suggest going with someone else.  I learned from a few friends who married before me that sometimes its not best to mix your friends and family in as vendors, even if they offer.  If something starts to go wrong its far easier to deal with the situation when the relationship is purely professional.
    Jen&Mike8
  • I'm sure it will totally be fine, and my cousin is really easy-going laid back person. I just wasn't sure if there needed to be a conversation about it - if acknowledging or not acknowledging would somehow make it more awkward. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

    Thank you, delujm0.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    No you do not have to have a conversation with her about not including her in your wedding.  Having that conversation is super awkward.  It is the same as having a conversation with someone about the fact that they won't be getting an invite.

    And I agree with hgminor, I would hire a photographer rather then relying on two people to take the pictures.  Especially when the one person will be a little preoccupied during the ceremony and posing for pictures after the ceremony.

    doeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • Fair enough. Thanks.
  • AddieCake said:
    If your cousin gets insulted that she doesn't get asked when her husband does, she needs to grow up and get over it.
    It seems to me she is not asking her cousin because she doesn't want the numbers uneven again. If that is why she is not asking her cousin then I think that is wrong! If my husband was asked to me in MY cousins wedding and I wasn't asked because my cousin didn't want her sides to be uneven, then I would be upset and hurt.
    image


    Anniversary
  • 'She' is me, and I'm right here. 

    That's not it at all.. having my cousin as as bridesmaid was never a consideration for me. We're friends as well as cousins, but not at the the level I am with the bridesmaids. However, my fiance and her husband hit it off immediately, and are in contact more than my cousin and I are.
  • MadHops21 said:
    You can have one half of a couple in your WP. Having a husband, but not the wife, in the WP is okay. This happens often. It doesn't make you obligated to include the wife. 


    My Fi (will be Husband by the time this wedding happens) is in a WP for a good friend but I am not.  It's NBD, he is good friends with the Groom but I am not that close with the Bride.

    Also our WP is uneven, I only have four really close friends that I wanted to stand up with me, my FI had 6.  I am not at all worried about how it will look, or if someones SO is not in the WP.

  • hgminor said:
    While I agree that sides don't need to be even, I do understand the want for symmetry.  I have a good friend who has issues with odd numbers (and don't get her started on prime numbers.  We once had to read a book for an education class where the book's chapters were numbered using only prime numbers, it drove her crazy :) But I love her!

    I think Maggie0829's pictures are a great example of how to create that look when sides are uneven.  

    However, I see that this is someone your FI wants in the wedding, not just a random person.  But your cousin shouldn't have an issue unless you are inviting all the other cousins (steel magnolias) which you aren't.  Even then it isn't on you, its on her if she is offended.

    I do wonder though, how is your best man going to take pictures?  And unless your cousin has offered her services without you asking I would just hire someone.  Even if she and your best man offered, I would suggest going with someone else.  I learned from a few friends who married before me that sometimes its not best to mix your friends and family in as vendors, even if they offer.  If something starts to go wrong its far easier to deal with the situation when the relationship is purely professional.
    That sounds more like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder than just a want for symmetry.  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you want pictures, please hire a photographer. Do not let this responsibility fall on the best man and your cousin. 

    KeptInStitchesdoeydoPrettyGirlLostJen4948
  • I've settled on 3 girls who I want to have on my side, and my fiance has chosen his brother and childhood friend, but is struggling with a 3rd. His next closest friend is actually MY cousin's husband - we've spent quite a bit of time with them as couples, and he wants to ask him - but I wasn't planning on having my cousin. At first I thought that there was no way this could happen gracefully and he'd need to choose someone else - but now that I think about it, he should be able to have his buddy - I'm just not sure how to broach the subject with my cousin. Can anyone think of a diplomatic way to handle this?

    On another note - my fiance's brother (his best man) is a photographer and wants to do photos - which he will, and my cousin is also a great photographer and said she can pick up whatever his brother won't be able to do. So she already has something to do that day, which I'm hoping helps with the slightly awkward situation.

    Before anyone mentions it - I KNOW the sides don't have to be even, but I would really, really like them to be.
    image
    OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You are being ridiculous.

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  • Alrighty.
    Well wtf did you expect?  You already know you are being silly.

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  • delujm0 said:

    "i like symmetry" is just a nice way of saying "because i want my ceremony and pictures to look even" which basically means "i'm using people as photo props."

     

    it doesn't matter.  if you really want 3 and he wants 2, so be it.  If he asks his 3rd and that makes you want to ask a 4th, just do that.  i was just in a wedding with 3 bridesmaids and 1 groomsman.  Totally not symmetrical, and the pictures still look awesome.  but that's probably because they hired a professional photographer. 

     

    a professional wedding photographer knows how to arrange pictures so that uneven wedding parties look completely fine.  i would seriously consider hiring a professional if i were you. go read the thread over in etiquette about the bride who was using her friends as her ceremony musicians, and they didn't show up.  that's the kind of thing that happens when you use friends and family without legally binding contracts as your vendors.  my photographer is my college roommate, but she is a professional wedding photographer, and i am paying her fees (with a slight friends and family discount), so she is a fully contracted vendor.  my planner wouldn't let me sign with her until she vetted her to make sure she was legit (she lives 2500 miles away and is traveling for the occassion, so my planner has never worked with her before).  the only way to guarantee you get the pictures you want is to hire a vetted professional.  period.  your friends and family can take all the pictures they want as backup.

     

    You could also ask your cousin to do a ceremony reading instead of making her a bridesmaid.  that's an available option.  my closest friend who isn't a bridesmaid is doing that at our wedding, and she's psyched about it because she will be 7 months pregnant at the time of the wedding and did not want to deal with a bridesmaid dress.  she's moderately concerned about tottling up to the altar (it's her first baby so she has no idea how this will go), but i told her we'd get her a wheelchair or hand her a microphone at her seat if need be. ;-)

    As long as she isn't having complication she should be fine.  Just don't expect her to stand up there for a long period of time, it would be nice to have a bottle or two of water available for her, and don't be shocked if she's wearing a pair of foam flip flops because they are the only shoes that fit (ok, that was my own experience, she may be able to wear nicer shoes).  
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  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Some more pictures of uneven wedding parties (but really, how many pictures are you going to have of the entire wedding party all lined up?):
    image
    uneven wedding party
    imageimageimage
    image
    chibiyuiPrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Your guests, and that includes your wedding party members like the best man, should not be expected to "work" the wedding-especially without compensation.

    Hire a photographer who is not already a guest or wedding party member-and pay that person for his/her services.
    PrettyGirlLostgrumbledore
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