So lost at FMIL's offer.

OnionBreath · April 2014

I have a dilemma. We were originally planning a Valentine's day wedding because the venue we were interested in had the best rates around then. Then, they told us that because it falls on a Saturday this year, it will cost us $2,000 more. That's a lot, considering that our budget is around $10,000.

So we've been considering different options and MIL offered her house to us (it's really nice and has a vineyard in the backyard), and offered to take care of the tent and chairs alleviating the reason we were looking to host at a restaurant or venue (so we didn't have to pay for a tent).

Then, her daughter got engaged and she originally lightly suggested we get married on the same day. We thought she was joking, but she wasn't. Now, she's saying we either have to get married on the same day, or we have to get married this year (2014) as to not conflict with their daughter's wedding (they haven't set a date either).

I thought I was ok with planning for this year if it were in the fall, but now I'm being told we're basically too late to buy dresses for this year and I just started crying the other day. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was but... I lost it. Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

How does it get from her welcoming me to the family and telling me she loves me on my birthday to me being so terrible? why is her daughter so much more important than us? I just feel sick

Sugargirl1019 · April 2014

FMILs. What is wrong with these women?

Because of her attitude towards you and her son getting married, I personally would decline the offer of her home.

If valentines day this upcoming year is out of budget, maybe you can find another day that falls on a Friday or Sunday that is special to you both?

Sorry you are being stressed out by her. My FMIL has threatened many times to not come to the wedding because FI and I made plans to visit venues without consulting her.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

OnionBreath said: I have a dilemma. We were originally planning a Valentine's day wedding because the venue we were interested in had the best rates around then. Then, they told us that because it falls on a Saturday this year, it will cost us $2,000 more. That's a lot, considering that our budget is around $10,000.

So we've been considering different options and MIL offered her house to us (it's really nice and has a vineyard in the backyard), and offered to take care of the tent and chairs alleviating the reason we were looking to host at a restaurant or venue (so we didn't have to pay for a tent).

Then, her daughter got engaged and she originally lightly suggested we get married on the same day. We thought she was joking, but she wasn't. Now, she's saying we either have to get married on the same day, or we have to get married this year (2014) as to not conflict with their daughter's wedding (they haven't set a date either).

I thought I was ok with planning for this year if it were in the fall, but now I'm being told we're basically too late to buy dresses for this year and I just started crying the other day. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was but... I lost it. Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

How does it get from her welcoming me to the family and telling me she loves me on my birthday to me being so terrible? why is her daughter so much more important than us? I just feel sick
-----WTF TK? Quote boxes not working again!

Yikes. She's the crazy one for blocking out an entire year for her daughter's wedding that doesn't even have a date set yet!

I think your Fi is right. Take the extra time you need and don't use her house. Sounds like you want to stay far away from the crazy vibes. I'm sorry you're going through all this stress. :-/

Jen4948 · April 2014

I'd tell her that no, you are entitled to a wedding of your own, regardless of what her daughter is doing, and you going to get married when it works for you and FI. If she has a problem with that, while she will be missed if she chooses not to attend, it is not up to her to set the date for you.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

I'm your FMIL is being like that. I would decline her offer and take the time you want to plan your wedding.

OnionBreath · April 2014

Would you assume she's going to let this roll off her back if we decline her offer? I really don't want to be on a bad footing with the family. I don't have much family of my own.

Sugargirl1019 · April 2014

OnionBreath said:
Would you assume she's going to let this roll off her back if we decline her offer? I really don't want to be on a bad footing with the family. I don't have much family of my own.

If she doesn't, she has major issues!

I understand not wanting to be on bad footing, but then you may have grudges against her for the rest of your life for ruining the wedding you had always wanted. Do not let her pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. It sounds like if you did use her home, there would be SO many strings attached and you would be in trouble.

CMGragain · April 2014

Plan your wedding independently of your FMIL. Do not accept money or offers of help. Strings will be attached, and it isn't worth it. Your FMIL has made that clear.
My FMIL did everything she could to stop our wedding. She also threatened to boycott the wedding. My fiance calmly told her that if she tried to not attend, he would carry her bodily, dressed in her pajamas, into the church. She came to the wedding - not happily.
You cannot force your FMIL to love you, or to behave herself. Leave dealing with her to your FI. She is HIS crazy mom.
Go ahead and plan a simple wedding. Choose a less expensive date and cut back so you can afford it without help from your FILS. If your FMIL or FSIL calls and makes demands, just say "Oh, our plans are coming along nicely, thanks! Have you tried the bean dip?" DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR WEDDINGS PLANS WITH THEM.

OnionBreath · April 2014

I think you are probably right about strings attached. She priced out a tent and chairs for 175 people. Our goal was 30-50 people (max).

We don't even remotely have the budget for 175. We barely have it for 30, 50 is like what we'd have if parents helped us.

She told us she was working on her guest list last week and I didn't know what to say to that. Why does she have a guest list? Isn't that our job to create?

Sugargirl1019 · April 2014

OnionBreath said:
I think you are probably right about strings attached. She priced out a tent and chairs for 175 people. Our goal was 30-50 people (max).

We don't even remotely have the budget for 175. We barely have it for 30, 50 is like what we'd have if parents helped us.

She told us she was working on her guest list last week and I didn't know what to say to that. Why does she have a guest list? Isn't that our job to create?

I would tell her "we can accommodate 15 guests from your side - whom would you like me to invite?" then she can rage all she wants about how her friends from a church 8 years ago in a different city aren't being invited (like mine is...) But at least you've given her a number to abide by and not lose control of the guest list.

KittyKaty20 · April 2014

Your FMIL is WAY out of line.

I feel sorry for her daughter...we, as Brides and Grooms, get ONE DAY-that's it-to celebrate our love in the manner we see fit (assuming properly hosting, etc.). I LOVE my FI's sibling, but if I had to share our wedding day with them? Uh-Uh. Nope.

You and your FI should plan something small, make YOUR OWN guest lists between the two of you, and THEN you can tell your parents how many invites they can request.

Also, it IS possible to get a dress before the Fall season this year. But you should take a step back with FI and determine what kind of wedding celebration the 2 of you would like to have, and what you can afford.

NerdyLucy · April 2014

OnionBreath said:

Justin told me we should just plan for next year as we wanted to and ditch the idea of using his mother's house, but when he mentioned it to her, she basically made it sound like she won't attend our wedding and she thinks I'm crazy (not her son!, just me!)

Then that's on her.

I'd plan on next year, or whenever you want, and find your own venue. If his mom is so childish that she can't handle it, then so be it.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

What about sitting down with her and telling her that you started dress shopping to try to accomodate a fall wedding and was told that it's too late to get a dress in time. Tell her with a smile while you appreciate the idea of a dual wedding you wouldn't want to take away from her daughter's special day so it would be better to have seperate dates and that if the cost of her daughter's wedding means that she isn't able to contribute what she originally said she would, that's ok, you'll figure something out.

Yes, it's a bunch of you're not crazy, we'll figure this out talk but basically what other option do you have? I wonder how much of it is that she can't give you what she said she would plus contribute the way she would like to for her own daughters wedding.

RebeccaFlower · April 2014

Your FMIL is bat shit crazy. DO NOT accept anything from her as it will not be worth it in the end. And it sounds he is, but I would make sure that your FI is on the same page as you because this could go downhill super fast if he starts siding with her.

ei34 · April 2014

Your FMIL is SO in the wrong! Sorry for all the stress she's causing you! I would definitely back away from any of her offers to help, just graciously decline. You and your FI should go back to the drawing board and plan the wedding you two want and can afford, simply bc it sounds like FMIL's offer has too many strings attached. Best of luck!

emmyg65 · April 2014

Your FMIL has demonstrated clearly and unequivocally that she's an unreasonable person. In a way, this is a gift to you because now you can throw out your expectations of your relationship with her. It would be lovely to have a close relationship with your in-laws, but with this lady, that ain't gonna happen.

So going forward, it's all about boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Accept nothing from her. Plan a wedding that you and your FI can afford yourselves. Don't talk about it with his parents. Let him handle all interactions with them. If they insist on discussing it, hang up the phone or leave the room. If she refuses to attend, too bad so sad.

This is a great time for you and your FI to strengthen your little family and become true partners. I highly doubt his mother's behavior is going to end after you get married!

AddieCake · April 2014

I'm so sorry this happened. I hate to see anybody crying over their wedding!

LondonLisa · April 2014

I think you need to step out of this and have your fi deal with his family. He should be the one to say that you can't plan in a year and you are having it elsewhere. He should demonstrate that he has your back 100%.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Screw your FMIL. You and your FI need to decline her offer and rethink your wedding and come up with new plans. Also, screw your FMIL's daughter. You and your FI should get married when you want. Her daughter gets one day not a full fucking year.

Also, your FI needs to speak with his Mother about her crazy ass.

ShellD13 · April 2014

You've gotten great advice. FMIL is way out of line. Take the time to plan the wedding you want and can afford.

It reminds me of the ton of guilt my parents and siblings subjected me to when my former FI and I selected a date 1 1/2 months after we got engaged and as it turned out the date was a month before the one my older sister and her FI picked after being engaged for 4 years. I got everything from "you are trying to upstage older sister....to you are stealing her day..." I'm sorry they had been engaged for 4 years and hadn't picked a date until after I got engaged and picked a date with my FI at the time - and I'm upstaging HER?!?!? Thankfully I came to my senses before he and I got married and called it off - but it was a miserable time for both of us.

This time around - I decided to cut all of the "headaches" out. My FI and I are having a very small very casual wedding that WE have planned from start to finish and we couldn't be happier.

MNVegas · April 2014

I would just plan for the date you want and tell FMIL thanks but no thanks on her offer. BTW has anyone talked to the newly engaged daughter to see what date she is planning. She may not even want to have a wedding on the same day as yours and then there would not be a date conflict. I would definitely steer clear of any future offers from FMIL. Sound like she just wants to control everyone. It would also be best for your FI to handle his mother in the future.

Sars06 · April 2014

Am I the only one who loves the idea of a double wedding?? I think it would be so fun to share a wedding with my sibling. And how efficient!

Just to be clear OP, I'm not saying you should do that. I agree with PPs advice that you should plan the wedding you want within your budget.

Inkdancer · April 2014

Sars06 said:

Am I the only one who loves the idea of a double wedding?? I think it would be so fun to share a wedding with my sibling. And how efficient!

Just to be clear OP, I'm not saying you should do that. I agree with PPs advice that you should plan the wedding you want within your budget.

It only works if both couples agree on how the day should go. I can't imagine my step-siblings wanting anything even remotely like what I want. Stepsister married her husband in a small wedding with shotguns and camouflage. FI and I are getting married in a historical church building with antique centerpieces.

OnionBreath · April 2014

Oh, no to screwing FSIL. She's not part of the problem at all. She's incredibly shy. I'm not sure she wants a full traditional wedding even, but I think she will do whatever her mother tells her. But she's a victim here. I feel bad for her.

I'm glad I posted this. It solidifies my thought that we definitely should decline the money. She's been asking us to live with them so we can save money too for the wedding or for after, but while it sounded nice... not sure I'm okay with that now.

It's amazing what a few weeks can do to your perspective.

MrsMack10612 · April 2014

That's awful.

It wasn't really clear to me - where is your FI in all this?

Inkdancer · April 2014

I have no words. My FMIL is just as crazy as this, so all I have for you is this:

nsweare · April 2014

Also, if you do decide to get married this year, it is definitely not too late for dresses. My wedding is in a month. I bought my dress one month ago and bridesmaids purchased their dresses a couple weeks ago. All from David's Bridal and all with a small budget. It can be done.

I hope things settle down and you can enjoy wedding planning.

bananasplit472001 · April 2014

For not even having a date set your FMIL has a lot of demands. I would say plan on getting married when you originally did. If your original venue is too expensive move on and find another one. She cannot tell you when you have to get married. No one can control who gets engaged when and it's just madness to demand you get married as to leave enough time to focus on her daughter. I had a similar issue where my FMIL said that we couldn't get married in may 2015 as her youngest son is graduating from college and she needs time to plan his parties and attend the graduation. So we are marrying the first week of June 2015 because that was the first available date for the venue. She told us to change it further out because there may be "conflicts" with the graduation. I told her to shove it had my parents put down a deposit on our June 7, 2015 date. I hope that you figure out a way to not give into your FMIL needs. Otherwise you will be doing it for the rest of your life.

climbingsingle · April 2014

I'm really sorry your FMIL is treating you like this!

Decline her offer and her money and plan exactly what you want for next year.

delujm0 · April 2014

I am getting married next month. My sister got engaged in February. She fully intended to have a summer 2015 wedding, as her FI is a teacher so summer is the best time for him, and she felt that summer 2014 was too soon. The only thing my mother said to her was "i want to help you out financially, but since I've already agreed to help your sister as well, I need to follow through with that. I probably can't give you the same amount of money as I gave her unless you give me at least a year between the events." Completely fair statement - sister could have gotten married earlier, she just wouldn't have had as much financial assistace from our mom. Since she wanted summer 2015 anyway, this wasn't an issue for her at all.

your FMIL is insane. unless her reason for wanting a year's lead time is because she can't afford to host both weddings otherwise, there's no reason that you have to get married in a different year than her daughter. But it's BS that she agreed to help you first and then rescinded when her daughter got engaged. She sounds like a peach - i'd do this on your own time with your own money and move on.

OliveOilsMom · April 2014

You should have discussions with FSIL only in the picking a date category. Once you have both picked out dates that work for the both of you, I wouldn't talk wedding with either FSIL & FMIL.

How did FI react when FMIL told him she wouldn't attend the wedding if it was next year? I think the best way to get into FMIL's head about her threatening to not attend, would be for your FI to calmly say, "Well, then you will be missed." I'm sure FMIL wants to pull the dramatics out so that she can get her way. If he doesn't overreact to her, she will know she isn't succeeding.

As for the guest list, prepare FI for what he will say when she gives him her huge list. "Mom, I'm sorry if there was any confusion. OnionBreath and I are having a small wedding and we have decided on the guest list ourselves. I'm sorry, but we won't be able to accomodate your list of guests." And then further decline any money from FIL to host her guests. "Sorry, but this is the wedding that we want to have."

So lost at FMIL's offer.

Re: So lost at FMIL's offer.

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