Couples Shower is confusing my FI..

MGP · April 2014

PDKH said:

MrsAitch said:

I'm not sure why everyone is overreacting. I like in a pretty conservative area mind you, and most of the men I know would have NO interest in attending a bridal shower, maybe not even their own. My fiance did come to one of ours (we had one for my side of the family, one for his, no overlap in the guest lists) and enjoyed opening the gifts with us, but if we would've done games or anything I know he would've had no interest in playing them. Bridal showers are traditionally a female-only event, and if most of the men in your circle have no interest in housewares, why would you invite them?

And I don't know what the deal is with the silly outrage over men not wanting to eat girly food or whatever. Most men I know eat a whole lot more than the women I know and tend to prefer a lot heavier food--how is that a silly thing to say? After going to our shower and eating soup, salad, croissant, cake, and punch, my fiance was still hungry and stopped to get some fast food. Maybe it's because his job involves a lot of physically tough labor, but that man can eat like a horse...and most men I know eat like that.

Did you not read here? It was supposed to be a COUPLES SHOWER, not a bridal shower. If the party is being held in honor of the couple, wouldn't it make sense that both parts of the couple get to invite their respective friends? The groom is being told he can't invite his friends to his own shower because they have penises.

And I grew up in a relatively conservative area and hang out with guys in the military most of the time, and I know plenty of guys who would show up to hang out with their friends and could manage to sit there while opening presents. And if they didn't want to, the guys could simply decline.

There are shower games that aren't girly. My BM's hosted trivia while I opened presents so everyone was entertained in between reveals. The winner took home two bottles of wine.

Flame me if you want:

Honestly I'm on the side of the host here. It sounds like she offered to host a shower, made the invites that said "wedding shower" which certainly could be interpreted as a couples shower, and then reacted unfavorably (and stereotypically) when she received a guest list with men on it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like there was no discussion clarifying if she was willing to host a women only vs. coed event. If I am wrong about this - then disregard everything I said.

Look at it from the host's perspective (for any type of event) - if someone says they can host X number of people and then gets a guest list for twice that they have every right to be upset and feel taken advantage of no matter what gender is on the list. It pretty much doubles the budget and space needed. The host is entitled to their opinion and has some right to set the terms of the event (he who pays gets a say) and if the guest of honor isn't on board with that they should decline the offer. It just sounds like this should have been discussed beforehand.

Personally I don't like couple's showers but would never argue with someone who liked them or wanted to have one. If I offered to host a shower and the couple preferred a coed event I would be fine with it as long as the guest capacity and budget stayed on track.

And for the record - I LOVE barbecue.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

MGP said:

PDKH said:

MrsAitch said:

I'm not sure why everyone is overreacting. I like in a pretty conservative area mind you, and most of the men I know would have NO interest in attending a bridal shower, maybe not even their own. My fiance did come to one of ours (we had one for my side of the family, one for his, no overlap in the guest lists) and enjoyed opening the gifts with us, but if we would've done games or anything I know he would've had no interest in playing them. Bridal showers are traditionally a female-only event, and if most of the men in your circle have no interest in housewares, why would you invite them?

And I don't know what the deal is with the silly outrage over men not wanting to eat girly food or whatever. Most men I know eat a whole lot more than the women I know and tend to prefer a lot heavier food--how is that a silly thing to say? After going to our shower and eating soup, salad, croissant, cake, and punch, my fiance was still hungry and stopped to get some fast food. Maybe it's because his job involves a lot of physically tough labor, but that man can eat like a horse...and most men I know eat like that.

Did you not read here? It was supposed to be a COUPLES SHOWER, not a bridal shower. If the party is being held in honor of the couple, wouldn't it make sense that both parts of the couple get to invite their respective friends? The groom is being told he can't invite his friends to his own shower because they have penises.

And I grew up in a relatively conservative area and hang out with guys in the military most of the time, and I know plenty of guys who would show up to hang out with their friends and could manage to sit there while opening presents. And if they didn't want to, the guys could simply decline.

There are shower games that aren't girly. My BM's hosted trivia while I opened presents so everyone was entertained in between reveals. The winner took home two bottles of wine.

Flame me if you want:

Honestly I'm on the side of the host here. It sounds like she offered to host a shower, made the invites that said "wedding shower" which certainly could be interpreted as a couples shower, and then reacted unfavorably (and stereotypically) when she received a guest list with men on it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like there was no discussion clarifying if she was willing to host a women only vs. coed event. If I am wrong about this - then disregard everything I said.

Look at it from the host's perspective (for any type of event) - if someone says they can host X number of people and then gets a guest list for twice that they have every right to be upset and feel taken advantage of no matter what gender is on the list. It pretty much doubles the budget and space needed. The host is entitled to their opinion and has some right to set the terms of the event (he who pays gets a say) and if the guest of honor isn't on board with that they should decline the offer. It just sounds like this should have been discussed beforehand.

Personally I don't like couple's showers but would never argue with someone who liked them or wanted to have one. If I offered to host a shower and the couple preferred a coed event I would be fine with it as long as the guest capacity and budget stayed on track.

And for the record - I LOVE barbecue.

Unless I missed it the OP didn't say anything about inviting more guest than the host agreed to. Of course if I would decline the shower. It seemed like her FI was excited and wanted some of his friends there, if the host didn't want to accommodate that (which she it is her right not to want to) then I would turn down her offer.

Simply Fated · April 2014

MGP said:

PDKH said:

MrsAitch said:

I'm not sure why everyone is overreacting. I like in a pretty conservative area mind you, and most of the men I know would have NO interest in attending a bridal shower, maybe not even their own. My fiance did come to one of ours (we had one for my side of the family, one for his, no overlap in the guest lists) and enjoyed opening the gifts with us, but if we would've done games or anything I know he would've had no interest in playing them. Bridal showers are traditionally a female-only event, and if most of the men in your circle have no interest in housewares, why would you invite them?

And I don't know what the deal is with the silly outrage over men not wanting to eat girly food or whatever. Most men I know eat a whole lot more than the women I know and tend to prefer a lot heavier food--how is that a silly thing to say? After going to our shower and eating soup, salad, croissant, cake, and punch, my fiance was still hungry and stopped to get some fast food. Maybe it's because his job involves a lot of physically tough labor, but that man can eat like a horse...and most men I know eat like that.

Did you not read here? It was supposed to be a COUPLES SHOWER, not a bridal shower. If the party is being held in honor of the couple, wouldn't it make sense that both parts of the couple get to invite their respective friends? The groom is being told he can't invite his friends to his own shower because they have penises.

And I grew up in a relatively conservative area and hang out with guys in the military most of the time, and I know plenty of guys who would show up to hang out with their friends and could manage to sit there while opening presents. And if they didn't want to, the guys could simply decline.

There are shower games that aren't girly. My BM's hosted trivia while I opened presents so everyone was entertained in between reveals. The winner took home two bottles of wine.

Flame me if you want:

Honestly I'm on the side of the host here. It sounds like she offered to host a shower, made the invites that said "wedding shower" which certainly could be interpreted as a couples shower, and then reacted unfavorably (and stereotypically) when she received a guest list with men on it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like there was no discussion clarifying if she was willing to host a women only vs. coed event. If I am wrong about this - then disregard everything I said.

Look at it from the host's perspective (for any type of event) - if someone says they can host X number of people and then gets a guest list for twice that they have every right to be upset and feel taken advantage of no matter what gender is on the list. It pretty much doubles the budget and space needed. The host is entitled to their opinion and has some right to set the terms of the event (he who pays gets a say) and if the guest of honor isn't on board with that they should decline the offer. It just sounds like this should have been discussed beforehand.

Personally I don't like couple's showers but would never argue with someone who liked them or wanted to have one. If I offered to host a shower and the couple preferred a coed event I would be fine with it as long as the guest capacity and budget stayed on track.

And for the record - I LOVE barbecue.

The fact that the host doesn't like the changes isn't the problem. You're right, she IS the host and should absolutely have a say. The problem is that the bride is shutting her Fi down.

The other problem is the host and bride's general attitude towards gender roles.

MGP · April 2014

jdluvr06 said:

MGP said:

PDKH said:

MrsAitch said:

I'm not sure why everyone is overreacting. I like in a pretty conservative area mind you, and most of the men I know would have NO interest in attending a bridal shower, maybe not even their own. My fiance did come to one of ours (we had one for my side of the family, one for his, no overlap in the guest lists) and enjoyed opening the gifts with us, but if we would've done games or anything I know he would've had no interest in playing them. Bridal showers are traditionally a female-only event, and if most of the men in your circle have no interest in housewares, why would you invite them?

And I don't know what the deal is with the silly outrage over men not wanting to eat girly food or whatever. Most men I know eat a whole lot more than the women I know and tend to prefer a lot heavier food--how is that a silly thing to say? After going to our shower and eating soup, salad, croissant, cake, and punch, my fiance was still hungry and stopped to get some fast food. Maybe it's because his job involves a lot of physically tough labor, but that man can eat like a horse...and most men I know eat like that.

Did you not read here? It was supposed to be a COUPLES SHOWER, not a bridal shower. If the party is being held in honor of the couple, wouldn't it make sense that both parts of the couple get to invite their respective friends? The groom is being told he can't invite his friends to his own shower because they have penises.

And I grew up in a relatively conservative area and hang out with guys in the military most of the time, and I know plenty of guys who would show up to hang out with their friends and could manage to sit there while opening presents. And if they didn't want to, the guys could simply decline.

There are shower games that aren't girly. My BM's hosted trivia while I opened presents so everyone was entertained in between reveals. The winner took home two bottles of wine.

Flame me if you want:

Honestly I'm on the side of the host here. It sounds like she offered to host a shower, made the invites that said "wedding shower" which certainly could be interpreted as a couples shower, and then reacted unfavorably (and stereotypically) when she received a guest list with men on it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like there was no discussion clarifying if she was willing to host a women only vs. coed event. If I am wrong about this - then disregard everything I said.

Look at it from the host's perspective (for any type of event) - if someone says they can host X number of people and then gets a guest list for twice that they have every right to be upset and feel taken advantage of no matter what gender is on the list. It pretty much doubles the budget and space needed. The host is entitled to their opinion and has some right to set the terms of the event (he who pays gets a say) and if the guest of honor isn't on board with that they should decline the offer. It just sounds like this should have been discussed beforehand.

Personally I don't like couple's showers but would never argue with someone who liked them or wanted to have one. If I offered to host a shower and the couple preferred a coed event I would be fine with it as long as the guest capacity and budget stayed on track.

And for the record - I LOVE barbecue.

Unless I missed it the OP didn't say anything about inviting more guest than the host agreed to. Of course if I would decline the shower. It seemed like her FI was excited and wanted some of his friends there, if the host didn't want to accommodate that (which she it is her right not to want to) then I would turn down her offer.

Totally get what you are saying. There is just some missing info that would probably make my response sound a little more solid.

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

MGP said:

PDKH said:

Did you not read here? It was supposed to be a COUPLES SHOWER, not a bridal shower. If the party is being held in honor of the couple, wouldn't it make sense that both parts of the couple get to invite their respective friends? The groom is being told he can't invite his friends to his own shower because they have penises.

And I grew up in a relatively conservative area and hang out with guys in the military most of the time, and I know plenty of guys who would show up to hang out with their friends and could manage to sit there while opening presents. And if they didn't want to, the guys could simply decline.

There are shower games that aren't girly. My BM's hosted trivia while I opened presents so everyone was entertained in between reveals. The winner took home two bottles of wine.

Flame me if you want:

Honestly I'm on the side of the host here. It sounds like she offered to host a shower, made the invites that said "wedding shower" which certainly could be interpreted as a couples shower, and then reacted unfavorably (and stereotypically) when she received a guest list with men on it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like there was no discussion clarifying if she was willing to host a women only vs. coed event. If I am wrong about this - then disregard everything I said.

Look at it from the host's perspective (for any type of event) - if someone says they can host X number of people and then gets a guest list for twice that they have every right to be upset and feel taken advantage of no matter what gender is on the list. It pretty much doubles the budget and space needed. The host is entitled to their opinion and has some right to set the terms of the event (he who pays gets a say) and if the guest of honor isn't on board with that they should decline the offer. It just sounds like this should have been discussed beforehand.

Personally I don't like couple's showers but would never argue with someone who liked them or wanted to have one. If I offered to host a shower and the couple preferred a coed event I would be fine with it as long as the guest capacity and budget stayed on track.

And for the record - I LOVE barbecue.

To the first quoted: it doesn't appear the host ever agreed to host a couples shower, she just agreed that the groom should be there if he wanted to.

to the bolded. I agree so let me share my experience real quick.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding a while back and for the shower, the other maids and I discussed doing something low key (we were all either students or just graduated at the time) where we'd cook up some pinterest recipes at the MOH's house before the event. Because we were hosting the event as a gift to the bride, we didn't think that we needed to check with her if that was all good. Well a few weeks later, shower talk came up with the bride and we told her we were planning one fore her and she was like "oh I would love a couples shower with FI and all our friends! " to which all of us BM's were quite taken aback.

We wanted to give her a good shower but including the couples close male friends would in fact double the guest list and, knowing our friends (the couple, BP, and most friend guests are from the same social circle) this would change the whole atmosphere of the event. We had a good idea of who would be invited to the bridal shower and knew that they could be accommodated at MOH's house and that we could host them well. If we were to do a couples shower and include everyone we would have had to rent out a space and have the event catered. We told the bride our concerns and she graciously stepped back and we had the low key shower and it was beautiful.

If I were the host of OP's shower, I would have said the exact same thing. Us girls can love beer and barbecue as much as the next, but the host was not planning that kind of event. And although men can also enjoy deli sandwiches and punch, adding the men to the equation still can change the host's plan dramatically whether it be to her budget, spacial constraints, or entire ability to host the event.

ETA: I failed to finish my story!

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

The only couples showers I've ever attended had both men and women there, and of course they invited everyone's spouse or SO. You don't invite one without the other to a coed event. They've both been relatively low-key (one was a casual barbecue, one a cocktail party). Presents were opened, and people either watched, mingled around, or did whatever.

I totally think that if OP isn't comfortable with what the hostess would like to provide, she should decline the shower. Sounds like this is what it comes down to. If the hostess will not allow the groom to attend, and this is important to them both, then OP should decline.

There's nothing wrong with the groom being in attendance at the shower. It's not totally traditional, but it's not going to hurt anything either.

mysticl · April 2014

MrsAitch said:

I'm not sure why everyone is overreacting. I like in a pretty conservative area mind you, and most of the men I know would have NO interest in attending a bridal shower, maybe not even their own. My fiance did come to one of ours (we had one for my side of the family, one for his, no overlap in the guest lists) and enjoyed opening the gifts with us, but if we would've done games or anything I know he would've had no interest in playing them. Bridal showers are traditionally a female-only event, and if most of the men in your circle have no interest in housewares, why would you invite them?

And I don't know what the deal is with the silly outrage over men not wanting to eat girly food or whatever. Most men I know eat a whole lot more than the women I know and tend to prefer a lot heavier food--how is that a silly thing to say? After going to our shower and eating soup, salad, croissant, cake, and punch, my fiance was still hungry and stopped to get some fast food. Maybe it's because his job involves a lot of physically tough labor, but that man can eat like a horse...and most men I know eat like that.

I would still be hungry after that and I don't do physical labor.

To me it does not sound like the host is having an issue with the number of people invited. It sounds like she is opposed to men being there and has some fairly stereotypical views of men vs. women.

I'm not a big fan of beer and BBQ but I'm also not a fan of punch, deli sandwiches or "cute" games. I'm good with the cupcakes.

jenniferurs · April 2014

God, this host would hate my upcoming baby shower. The hosts wanted to ensure it was something that I liked and was comfortable with so they consulted with me on a lot throughout the planning. The result? Co-ed. Pool party. Catered by Chipotle. With a keg. And no games.

My mom flipped out, wanting a traditional girls-only baby shower with mini sandwiches, cheese and crackers, and punch. I asked her who the shower was for, her or me? Once she realized that I was the honoree and not she (she had her baby shower once upon a time), she eased up on wanting everything to be "her" way. To me, the host of this "couples" shower is just being plain selfish. In my view, you shouldn't throw a party for someone if you're not genuinely interested in making it a party the honorees will enjoy.

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

jenniferurs said: God, this host would hate my upcoming baby shower. The hosts wanted to ensure it was something that I liked and was comfortable with so they consulted with me on a lot throughout the planning. The result? Co-ed. Pool party. Catered by Chipotle. With a keg. And no games.
My mom flipped out, wanting a traditional girls-only baby shower with mini sandwiches, cheese and crackers, and punch. I asked her who the shower was for, her or me? Once she realized that I was the honoree and not she (she had her baby shower once upon a time), she eased up on wanting everything to be "her" way. To me, the host of this "couples" shower is just being plain selfish. In my view, you shouldn't throw a party for someone if you're not genuinely interested in making it a party the honorees will enjoy. __________________________________________________________________
I understand wanting the honoree to enjoy it, but this board is all about talking about properly hosting guests within your budget. I think it's unfair to ask the host to break her budget because the bride's fiance wants something completely beyond the realm of what the host intended to do.

ETA: stupid boxes

jenniferurs · April 2014

alphabridesmaid said:

jenniferurs said:

God, this host would hate my upcoming baby shower. The hosts wanted to ensure it was something that I liked and was comfortable with so they consulted with me on a lot throughout the planning. The result? Co-ed. Pool party. Catered by Chipotle. With a keg. And no games.

My mom flipped out, wanting a traditional girls-only baby shower with mini sandwiches, cheese and crackers, and punch. I asked her who the shower was for, her or me? Once she realized that I was the honoree and not she (she had her baby shower once upon a time), she eased up on wanting everything to be "her" way. To me, the host of this "couples" shower is just being plain selfish. In my view, you shouldn't throw a party for someone if you're not genuinely interested in making it a party the honorees will enjoy.

__________________________________________________________________

I understand wanting the honoree to enjoy it, but this board is all about talking about properly hosting guests within your budget. I think it's unfair to ask the host to break her budget because the bride's fiance wants something completely beyond the realm of what the host intended to do.

ETA: stupid boxes

But that's not what's at issue here. Not once was budget ever mentioned as a concern. The only concern expressed was that the host wanted mini sandwiches and not beer and BBQ.

mysticl · April 2014

jenniferurs said:

alphabridesmaid said:

jenniferurs said:

God, this host would hate my upcoming baby shower. The hosts wanted to ensure it was something that I liked and was comfortable with so they consulted with me on a lot throughout the planning. The result? Co-ed. Pool party. Catered by Chipotle. With a keg. And no games.

My mom flipped out, wanting a traditional girls-only baby shower with mini sandwiches, cheese and crackers, and punch. I asked her who the shower was for, her or me? Once she realized that I was the honoree and not she (she had her baby shower once upon a time), she eased up on wanting everything to be "her" way. To me, the host of this "couples" shower is just being plain selfish. In my view, you shouldn't throw a party for someone if you're not genuinely interested in making it a party the honorees will enjoy.

__________________________________________________________________

I understand wanting the honoree to enjoy it, but this board is all about talking about properly hosting guests within your budget. I think it's unfair to ask the host to break her budget because the bride's fiance wants something completely beyond the realm of what the host intended to do.

ETA: stupid boxes

But that's not what's at issue here. Not once was budget ever mentioned as a concern. The only concern expressed was that the host wanted mini sandwiches and not beer and BBQ. In fact in the OP it states that the host asked the groom for his guest list. Unless she specifically stated it was to be a female only guest list she has no right to be upset by the idea of him including males on said list.

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

mysticl said:

jenniferurs said:

alphabridesmaid said:

jenniferurs said:

God, this host would hate my upcoming baby shower. The hosts wanted to ensure it was something that I liked and was comfortable with so they consulted with me on a lot throughout the planning. The result? Co-ed. Pool party. Catered by Chipotle. With a keg. And no games.

My mom flipped out, wanting a traditional girls-only baby shower with mini sandwiches, cheese and crackers, and punch. I asked her who the shower was for, her or me? Once she realized that I was the honoree and not she (she had her baby shower once upon a time), she eased up on wanting everything to be "her" way. To me, the host of this "couples" shower is just being plain selfish. In my view, you shouldn't throw a party for someone if you're not genuinely interested in making it a party the honorees will enjoy.

__________________________________________________________________

I understand wanting the honoree to enjoy it, but this board is all about talking about properly hosting guests within your budget. I think it's unfair to ask the host to break her budget because the bride's fiance wants something completely beyond the realm of what the host intended to do.

ETA: stupid boxes

But that's not what's at issue here. Not once was budget ever mentioned as a concern. The only concern expressed was that the host wanted mini sandwiches and not beer and BBQ.

In fact in the OP it states that the host asked the groom for his guest list. Unless she specifically stated it was to be a female only guest list she has no right to be upset by the idea of him including males on said list.

____________________________________________________________________

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that the host was prepared to host a certain type of event. Obviously there was confusion as to what the bride and groom wanted and what she was prepared to do. I don't think it's wrong for the host to say "No, I'm not prepared to do that, this is what I am prepared to do" for whatever reason. If the bride and groom have a problem with the party she wants to throw for her friend, they can decline. People here are acting like the host is a terrible friend for not wanting to/being able to host all the groom's friends in addition to the women she was prepared to host.

ETA: WHY DO BOXES HATE ME TODAY

kitty8403 · April 2014

Couples showers sound like a ton of fun. I don't particularly enjoy traditional showers, but they are typical in my area. Most men here would find it strange to be asked to one, frankly.
Have we considered location in all of this? I don't think I've ever seen a bridal shower that was not held in a church hall. Perhaps the hostess is also concerned about the venue disapproving alcohol or the party getting too "rowdy" with a lot of men present?

mysticl · April 2014

kitty8403 said:

Couples showers sound like a ton of fun. I don't particularly enjoy traditional showers, but they are typical in my area. Most men here would find it strange to be asked to one, frankly. Have we considered location in all of this? I don't think I've ever seen a bridal shower that was not held in a church hall. Perhaps the hostess is also concerned about the venue disapproving alcohol or the party getting too "rowdy" with a lot of men present?

I've never seen one that was in a church hall. As for alcohol no where did the OP say they were requesting alcohol nor does having men at an event automatically mean there is alcohol. The host was the one who said she didn't want to severe beer but I don't see where anyone demanded beer. I'm assuming that all of the males invited are adults, in which case unless one of them has a history of "rowdy" behavior at events they should be capable of behaving like adults for an hour or two.

Again the host asked the groom for his list. Since he was attending the shower it makes perfect sense for him to put his friends on the list and it is not surprising that some of his friends might be male.

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

The host's choice of words was poor but as a host she is allowed to plan the event she wants. Yes, the brides (and grooms) thoughts should be considered but in the end they're not the ones hosting and paying for the shower. I think the biggest issue here is the lack of communication, mainly stemming dim the OP. OP, I think you're being pretty selfish towards your FH. He's genuinely interested In attending and opening your gifts as a couple. Of course he'd want some friends there, why not? You're basically telling him he's only allowed to come help you open your presents and load them in he car and that his friends don't matter simply because they're male. Why should it be only you and your friends enjoying a shower?

You can't make the host be okay with a couple's shower. But you can change your attitude. Sit down with your FH and decide what you're both comfortable with. Then either accept or decline your friends shower offer.

Sugargirl1019 · April 2014

Thanks for all of the discussion! I'm going to try to address some questions/concerns that I have seen -

-I really am not trying to be sexist, but I do see how my thoughts have come off that way
- The shower would be in her home. Budget does not really seem an issue as far as I know.
- I think I used the wrong word to describe this discussion - the invitation she made said "wedding shower" instead of "couples shower" so that people didn't think they needed to bring their husband but also would not be thrown back to see FI there also. I have heard all of your concerns about if the shower is for FI, then he should have friends there also.
-Yes, my MOH had planned the traditional bridal shower because so far its the only bridal shower offered. I'm in love with the idea - it fits right up the alley of who we are and what we enjoy.
- yes, FI was invited to attend to open the gifts with me if he wanted. I didn't think about him needing his own guests - honestly when we asked him for his guest list, it was " what women from your side would like to come to this shower?"
- Its not that I don't like beer, BBQ or pool parties or anything else Lol I threw my best friend a couples shower for the bridal party and it was beer and BBQ at my house. I think that's where FI is getting his expectations from. But then I explained to him that best friend had three showers, one a completely traditional bridal shower.

I guess its more of the environment that I want and that MOH wants to host - which is why im not fighting my MOH, because i like her idea. Someone could offer to host a true couples shower if he wants his friends there, but I dont want to seem gift grabby having multiple showers, and I'm certainly not going to be someone to host a shower for us..

Can I clarify anything else? Trying not to be a bitch to FI or my MOH but still wanting what I want if it is being offered.

kitty8403 · April 2014

I seem to be in the minority here, but honestly, if that's the case, OP, I'd be more than a little annoyed.

So basically, your friend offered to throw a party FOR YOU. You discussed and agreed on what you wanted. Now not only is the groom insisting on an invite but wanting you to make room for his friends at what was supposed to be an event with your social group, in your honor? That's kind of obnoxious.

ETA: If the shower was intended for you both (not as your MOH's gift to you, personally), then I'd say yes, you need to include the groom and try to accommodate some of his VIPs and ideas.

I think your mistake may have been in asking the groom for a list, instead of choosing your own VIPs from his family/mutual friends. Now that the damage is done, I'm not sure you can put the genie back in the bottle on this one, but I think your frustration is understandable.

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

Thanks for all of the discussion! I'm going to try to address some questions/concerns that I have seen - -I really am not trying to be sexist, but I do see how my thoughts have come off that way - The shower would be in her home. Budget does not really seem an issue as far as I know. - I think I used the wrong word to describe this discussion - the invitation she made said "wedding shower" instead of "couples shower" so that people didn't think they needed to bring their husband but also would not be thrown back to see FI there also. I have heard all of your concerns about if the shower is for FI, then he should have friends there also. -Yes, my MOH had planned the traditional bridal shower because so far its the only bridal shower offered. I'm in love with the idea - it fits right up the alley of who we are and what we enjoy. - yes, FI was invited to attend to open the gifts with me if he wanted. I didn't think about him needing his own guests - honestly when we asked him for his guest list, it was " what women from your side would like to come to this shower?" - Its not that I don't like beer, BBQ or pool parties or anything else Lol I threw my best friend a couples shower for the bridal party and it was beer and BBQ at my house. I think that's where FI is getting his expectations from. But then I explained to him that best friend had three showers, one a completely traditional bridal shower. I guess its more of the environment that I want and that MOH wants to host - which is why im not fighting my MOH, because i like her idea. Someone could offer to host a true couples shower if he wants his friends there, but I dont want to seem gift grabby having multiple showers, and I'm certainly not going to be someone to host a shower for us.. Can I clarify anything else? Trying not to be a bitch to FI or my MOH but still wanting what I want if it is being offered.

I had thought that this was the case the whole time. I think since you used the word "couples shower" in the title and in your question, it confused people. This was never planned to be a couples shower, it was planned to be a shower for you. You and your host are doing nothing wrong (or sexist) by keeping to her plan, I think it just needs to be clarified with his FI. Maybe one of his friends will step up and throw a couples event if it's something he wants.

ETA bolding

carliealissa · April 2014

scribe95 said:

To me, you either have a wedding shower with just ladies. Or you have a couples shower with men and women invited.

I have been to a ton of showers with just ladies and never been to one where the groom was there opening the presents. Sometimes they stop at the end to say thanks and see the haul, so to speak. But I would think if he wants to open gifts it needs to be a couples shower.

OK, wait, seriously? Is this another regional thing? I have been to one "couples shower", where men and women were present (fun!). I have been to many wedding/bridal showers (is this not the same thing?), where the guests are all ladies, but the GROOM is always there... why wouldn't the groom be present to open gifts and thank the guests? These are gifts for him too. I would think it very odd if I went to a shower and the groom wasn't there the whole time. Like he was ungrateful, uninvolved, disinterested in the wedding or something.

Inkdancer · April 2014

carliealissa said:

scribe95 said:

To me, you either have a wedding shower with just ladies. Or you have a couples shower with men and women invited.

I have been to a ton of showers with just ladies and never been to one where the groom was there opening the presents. Sometimes they stop at the end to say thanks and see the haul, so to speak. But I would think if he wants to open gifts it needs to be a couples shower.

OK, wait, seriously? Is this another regional thing? I have been to one "couples shower", where men and women were present (fun!). I have been to many wedding/bridal showers (is this not the same thing?), where the guests are all ladies, but the GROOM is always there... why wouldn't the groom be present to open gifts and thank the guests? These are gifts for him too. I would think it very odd if I went to a shower and the groom wasn't there the whole time. Like he was ungrateful, uninvolved, disinterested in the wedding or something.

Might be regional, might be social circles. Around here, bridal showers are just that--for the bride. I've never been to a ladies' shower at which the groom showed up for even a minute.

abbyj700 · April 2014

The sexism in this threat is terrible...

We women, we sit around at the church hall with our cucumber sandwiches and name our future children in cutesy games while our crazy men are out being "rowdy", drinking beer and eating giant slabs of meat...

*eyeroll*

Shame on you ladies on who said these things...

jdluvr06 · April 2014

OP if you didn't want a couples shower and your friend didn't want to host one then you shouldn't have asked your groom for a guest list after saying he could come and help open gifts. Of course he isn't going to want to be the only guy there. I think what really bothers me is that you made it sound like your FI was pretty excited about this and it seems like you are being dismissive of his feelings on the subject. That might not be the case in RL but we can only go by what you post here.

climbingsingle · April 2014

I would just like to go on record as saying I hate showers and I love BBQ and beer.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I would just like to go on record as saying I hate showers and I love BBQ and beer.

Ditto. I discovered how to kill conversation at my friend's bridal shower a couple years ago. They were all talking about watching SYTTD and Bridezillas; I wasn't really part of the conversation, so they asked me what I watch. I told them the truth: I watch every NFL game, Mythbusters, and SportsCenter. Sucked the air out of the room.

SP29 · April 2014

I think you need to be clear on what kind of shower you want this to be.

I definitely agree that the hostess who offered the party does get to draw some lines- like the budget she has for guests, what food she is willing to provide and any entertainment.

BUT- if you asked your FI if he wanted to come and for a guest list, you've opened the party up. Also, the title of your post is "Couples' Shower Confusing my FI". If the party is in fact a couples' shower, I think your FI is the one with the right idea.

IMO, if the groom is there, why shouldn't his friends be there? IME, bridal showers are for the bride and her friends or family. I have also been to couples' showers that had male and female friends and family.

I'm not saying the groom couldn't come to open gifts that, yes, are his as well, but it seems odd that the groom would open gifts with his bride in front of only the women in his family and HER friends and family. Why can't there be other men there? No, that doesn't mean you have to invite every male family member, neighbour or spouse- I generally think showers should be more intimate- but if the bride's closest friends are going to be there, why not the groom's?

I went to a couples' shower last year. It was Beauty and the Beast themed (quite tastefully done), because both the B&G liked the move. We played some games that were quite a hoot with the men there- they weren't "cutesy" games by any means, everyone enjoyed them. The food was a large spread- everything from pizza, sushi and noodles (the B&G are of Asian descent) to cupcakes and macaroons for dessert! It was a great time.

For the record- I will attend pretty much any event where food is involved

.

carliealissa · April 2014

Hm now I am feeling kind of weird about my shower. But again the only showers I have been to have had the groom there so that's what I based it off of. FI and our families think it's normal too, but hopefully the guests aren't sitting there thinking it's weird that he's there or something. By the way my shower is LITERALLY going to be a tea party with cucumber sandwiches, lmao!

I would HATE it if he wasn't there! I am going to need him there to deflect some of the attention off of me lol. The concept of showers in general is so weird- standing on display announcing gifts that people have bought you, ugh.

beharrington · April 2014

For both of my showers, DH showed up right at the end of help load up the gifts and to thank everyone. If he had wanted to be there longer, I don't think anyone would have minded. If someone on his side of the family had offered to throw me one, I'd have asked him to be there the whole time to ask as translator. Lol

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

Thanks for all of the discussion! I'm going to try to address some questions/concerns that I have seen - -I really am not trying to be sexist, but I do see how my thoughts have come off that way - The shower would be in her home. Budget does not really seem an issue as far as I know. - I think I used the wrong word to describe this discussion - the invitation she made said "wedding shower" instead of "couples shower" so that people didn't think they needed to bring their husband but also would not be thrown back to see FI there also. I have heard all of your concerns about if the shower is for FI, then he should have friends there also. -Yes, my MOH had planned the traditional bridal shower because so far its the only bridal shower offered. I'm in love with the idea - it fits right up the alley of who we are and what we enjoy. - yes, FI was invited to attend to open the gifts with me if he wanted. I didn't think about him needing his own guests - honestly when we asked him for his guest list, it was " what women from your side would like to come to this shower?" - Its not that I don't like beer, BBQ or pool parties or anything else Lol I threw my best friend a couples shower for the bridal party and it was beer and BBQ at my house. I think that's where FI is getting his expectations from. But then I explained to him that best friend had three showers, one a completely traditional bridal shower. I guess its more of the environment that I want and that MOH wants to host - which is why im not fighting my MOH, because i like her idea. Someone could offer to host a true couples shower if he wants his friends there, but I dont want to seem gift grabby having multiple showers, and I'm certainly not going to be someone to host a shower for us.. Can I clarify anything else? Trying not to be a bitch to FI or my MOH but still wanting what I want if it is being offered.

It appears most people missed OP's update.

To recap:

This was never a "couples shower". OP should not have used that terminology. It is not the terminology that was used in planning the event.

The host offered to host a traditional BRIDAL shower for her girlfriend. She changed the wording from BRIDAL shower to WEDDING shower for the sole purpose of implying that both bride and groom would be in attendance. They didn't want people to see "Bridal Shower" and be thrown off when they saw the groom.

Her FI was asked for a list of "women from your side would you want invited". He wasn't just asked to invite whoever.

This is just really frustrating to me because it happened to me as a host. Not every person who is comfortable hosting a bridal shower is comfortable hosting a couples shower. Say it's sexist all you want, but they are different events and require different planning.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Inkdancer said:

carliealissa said:

scribe95 said:

To me, you either have a wedding shower with just ladies. Or you have a couples shower with men and women invited.

I have been to a ton of showers with just ladies and never been to one where the groom was there opening the presents. Sometimes they stop at the end to say thanks and see the haul, so to speak. But I would think if he wants to open gifts it needs to be a couples shower.

OK, wait, seriously? Is this another regional thing? I have been to one "couples shower", where men and women were present (fun!). I have been to many wedding/bridal showers (is this not the same thing?), where the guests are all ladies, but the GROOM is always there... why wouldn't the groom be present to open gifts and thank the guests? These are gifts for him too. I would think it very odd if I went to a shower and the groom wasn't there the whole time. Like he was ungrateful, uninvolved, disinterested in the wedding or something.

Might be regional, might be social circles. Around here, bridal showers are just that--for the bride. I've never been to a ladies' shower at which the groom showed up for even a minute.

In my area there is a trend with the younger brides to have the groom "surprise" the bride at the end of the shower by showing up with flowers for her. . . and then he gets to help load all of the gifts into the car!

I told FI about this and he laughed. And then I told him I was serious about him showing up at the end to help pack everything up. . . it's his shit too!

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

carliealissa said:

scribe95 said:

To me, you either have a wedding shower with just ladies. Or you have a couples shower with men and women invited.

I have been to a ton of showers with just ladies and never been to one where the groom was there opening the presents. Sometimes they stop at the end to say thanks and see the haul, so to speak. But I would think if he wants to open gifts it needs to be a couples shower.

OK, wait, seriously? Is this another regional thing? I have been to one "couples shower", where men and women were present (fun!). I have been to many wedding/bridal showers (is this not the same thing?), where the guests are all ladies, but the GROOM is always there... why wouldn't the groom be present to open gifts and thank the guests? These are gifts for him too. I would think it very odd if I went to a shower and the groom wasn't there the whole time. Like he was ungrateful, uninvolved, disinterested in the wedding or something.

I disagree with both of you. I have never been to a couples's shower where the guests were men and women, so I can't speak about those. However, I've been to many showers where the Groom is there or shows up at the beginning or the end, or he's in a back room maybe with the FOB or FOG.

I've also been to 1 or 2 where the groom is sitting up front opening gifts with the Bride.

I've also been to ones where the groom was not present (my sisters was one) because the groom couldn't be there. My FI won't be at my shower because he works on the weekends. It doesn't make any sense for him to take off a day from work for that.

None of these situations are wrong, it's up to the couple what works for them. I feel like there is a lot of judgement on this thread.

Couples Shower is confusing my FI..

Re: Couples Shower is confusing my FI..

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