I just can't today...WW "B-List"

labro · April 2014

http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/list-invites-or-second-round-invites/756fba5e70a9825e.html

I don't normally post WW threads. I just lurk there and post every once in awhile where I think I can say something helpful but this one is just ugh....

The worst part isn't even her B-List. Everyone is blatantly ignoring the fact that she is ALREADY MARRIED and was married last year in a civil ceremony.

Is it 5:00 yet?

Emmy1493 · April 2014

That is all. Good for the people who are telling her the right advice, though. That it is absolutely RUDE to B-list people!

Inkdancer · April 2014

My head wants to respond and say:

Maybe the reason you have so many declines is because you are already married, and nobody wants to sit through watching you pretend to get married to your husband.

labro · April 2014

Yeah, WW isn't the absolute worst for e-advice sometimes. But then you get those commenters who are like "I don't get why a B-list is bad, why would you be offended since I'm still inviting you to my wedding?" and there's always one person in the thread who is like "Do wut u want gurl! It's ur day/wedding/whatever!!1!"

grumbledore · April 2014

LaPeanut1018 said:

http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-forums/list-invites-or-second-round-invites/756fba5e70a9825e.html
I don't normally post WW threads. I just lurk there and post every once in awhile where I think I can say something helpful but this one is just ugh....
The worst part isn't even her B-List. Everyone is blatantly ignoring the fact that she is ALREADY MARRIED and was married last year in a civil ceremony.
Is it 5:00 yet?

Well, she wasn't really B-listing, just "had to prioritize family and old friends."

Mega eye roll.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

There is not enough wine...

People who don't mind B-lists have never been b-listed...or they didn't know about it. It sucks.

grumbledore · April 2014

TexasBride2014 said: There is not enough wine...
People who don't mind B-lists have never been b-listed...or they didn't know about it. It sucks. I think there are people who legitimately don't care, but the whole point of not doing it is that plenty of people do care and why would you want to upset anyone you care enough about the invite them to your wedding?

labro · April 2014

grumbledore said:

TexasBride2014 said:

There is not enough wine...

People who don't mind B-lists have never been b-listed...or they didn't know about it. It sucks.

I think there are people who legitimately don't care, but the whole point of not doing it is that plenty of people do care and why would you want to upset anyone you care enough about the invite them to your wedding?
@grumbledore Because you have to prioritize your friends and family members...duh. You have levels of caring depending on who it is.

sarawifenow · April 2014

But it's her daaaaaaaay!!!!!!

wrigleyville · April 2014

"It's her money, she can call it a wedding if she wants to."

I just can't.

larrygaga · April 2014

lol@ traveling to a different country to watch a fake marriage ceremony

someone who has an account tell her to skype it

jenna8984 · April 2014

hahahah now they linked to this post. Fantastic.

Simply Fated · April 2014

jenna8984 said:
hahahah now they linked to this post. Fantastic.

And commented on how bored WE were, as though she didn't just do the same thing.

I'm concerned by how many people didn't care they were B-listed. Would they still not care if they were C listed? I mean they realize they were the hosts' afterthoughts, right? They were the leftovers, invited only because the host wanted to fulfill a minimum or because the people they really wanted to be there declined.

lyndausvi · April 2014

I think B-lists are really code for "I need to fill seats". Because if you really wanted me you could have planned a wedding to include me. You could have picked a different venue, a different menu, had a less expense CP or dress, gotten rid of whatever if you really wanted me there.

Instead you really wanted that venue with that menu, those decorations, that dress, etc more than you wanted me. Which is fine. It's your wedding. But do not pretend later on you really wanted me there. No you didn't or you would have planned to include me.

That all said, if I were to be b-listed I may or may not attend based on the party. Full open bar, full meal, dancing all night with a lot of my friends? Sure, I'll come. Who doesn't like parting with friends? Cash bar, lite snacks with only another friend or 2. No, I'm going to decline.

wrigleyville · April 2014

lyndausvi said:

I think B-lists are really code for "I need to fill seats". Because if you really wanted me you could have planned a wedding to include me. You could have picked a different venue, a different menu, had a less expense CP or dress, gotten rid of whatever if you really wanted me there.

Instead you really wanted that venue with that menu, those decorations, that dress, etc more than you wanted me. Which is fine. It's your wedding. But do not pretend later on you really wanted me there. No you didn't or you would have planned to include me.

That all said, if I were to be b-listed I may or may not attend based on the party. Full open bar, full meal, dancing all night with a lot of my friends? Sure, I'll come. Who doesn't like parting with friends? Cash bar, lite snacks with only another friend or 2. No, I'm going to decline.

Ditto. All of this.

larrygaga · April 2014

Yeah B-list invites become more about what I can get out of going to the party. I pay rudeness with rudeness, because I am not a bigger person and I don't like taking the high road.

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

"Do your guests know that you are already married and that they aren't really invited to a wedding? "

my hero

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

Since they're reading over here anyways, this is directed to them (I think I would claw my eyes out if I spent enough time over there to respond):

"Why do you put "special" between asterisks? In Anna's case.. she really did HAVE to get married, or else she'd be kicked out of the country. Should she either A) Plan the massive wedding that she has always dreamed of in a very short period of time?"

NO because she's not entitled to the "massive wedding that she has already wanted". Also I highly doubt the expiration of her visa snuck up on her without warning.

or

Do a quick civil ceremony, inform all her family members/friends of doing this, then throw the wedding of her dreams a little later?"

It won't be the wedding of her dreams because it's not a wedding. She is married. She is already enjoying the benefits of being married by being LEGALLY MARRIED to him in the UK. What part of the definition of wedding are people not getting?. A wedding is, by definition, a MARRIAGE CEREMONY. That already happened and unless you get a divorce you cannot have another one. STOP IT.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Hahaha, well Bless their hearts.

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

They're quoting Dr. Seuss as their authority??

Heck yeah, girl, those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter!

wrigleyville · April 2014

Also, Dr. Seuss never said that.

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/12/04/those-who-mind/

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

wrigleyville said:

Also, Dr. Seuss never said that.

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/12/04/those-who-mind/

Facts and reality has never been a strong suit over there. And apparently not logic either:

"And to the making everything black and white: so...some people are saying that if you booked a venue that holds 150 people, you should reasonably expect either:
a) all 150 to show, and then you have no b-list, therefore, no problem
b) 130 to show, and if you have other friends you want to invite, too bad, you'll just have empty seats because inviting more people would be rude (!!!)
c) change your venue at the expense of thousands of dollars in nonrefundable money because of 5-10 people that didn't quite fit on the original guest list because you had to invite second cousin so-and-so and great aunt Edna
or
d) invite the extra 5-10 people and risk 160 saying yes to your 150 person venue and you're over fire code, etc.

I guess in a perfect world we would know all these numbers, but my world isn't that perfect."

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

wrigleyville said:

Also, Dr. Seuss never said that.

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/12/04/those-who-mind/

I concede

countrygirl061513 · April 2014

I honestly don't mind the PPD aspect of it as long as I knew beforehand. If it was local or not that far for me to travel, I would go but if I had to travel out of town, pay for a hotel, and you aren't family, I am staying home. But if I found out I was B listed just because you needed to fill a quota, I would be hurt and rethink our relationship.

lyndausvi · April 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

wrigleyville said:

Also, Dr. Seuss never said that.

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/12/04/those-who-mind/

Facts and reality has never been a strong suit over there. And apparently not logic either:

"And to the making everything black and white: so...some people are saying that if you booked a venue that holds 150 people, you should reasonably expect either:
a) all 150 to show, and then you have no b-list, therefore, no problem
b) 130 to show, and if you have other friends you want to invite, too bad, you'll just have empty seats because inviting more people would be rude (!!!)
c) change your venue at the expense of thousands of dollars in nonrefundable money because of 5-10 people that didn't quite fit on the original guest list because you had to invite second cousin so-and-so and great aunt Edna
or
d) invite the extra 5-10 people and risk 160 saying yes to your 150 person venue and you're over fire code, etc.

I guess in a perfect world we would know all these numbers, but my world isn't that perfect."

I was laughing at this.

alphabridesmaid · April 2014

They're also calling Martha Stewart the "Queen of Etiquette" over there on another board trying to justify B-listing. Backing themselves up with Anna Post too.

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

wrigleyville said:

Also, Dr. Seuss never said that.

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/12/04/those-who-mind/

Facts and reality has never been a strong suit over there. And apparently not logic either:

"And to the making everything black and white: so...some people are saying that if you booked a venue that holds 150 people, you should reasonably expect either:
a) all 150 to show, and then you have no b-list, therefore, no problem
b) 130 to show, and if you have other friends you want to invite, too bad, you'll just have empty seats because inviting more people would be rude (!!!)
c) change your venue at the expense of thousands of dollars in nonrefundable money because of 5-10 people that didn't quite fit on the original guest list because you had to invite second cousin so-and-so and great aunt Edna
or
d) invite the extra 5-10 people and risk 160 saying yes to your 150 person venue and you're over fire code, etc.

I guess in a perfect world we would know all these numbers, but my world isn't that perfect."

Or they could, you know, suck the glitter out if their asses and realize that their wedding doesn't have to be a sold out show. But if course then they won't get as many present

I'd also bet you guys a million bucks if I post over there Amy will come out and bash me telling me to take my etiquette and shove it, as she does with every.single.thread I reply to. Love being the center of her universe (eye roll)

ashleyep · April 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

wrigleyville said:

Also, Dr. Seuss never said that.

http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/12/04/those-who-mind/

Facts and reality has never been a strong suit over there. And apparently not logic either:

"And to the making everything black and white: so...some people are saying that if you booked a venue that holds 150 people, you should reasonably expect either:
a) all 150 to show, and then you have no b-list, therefore, no problem
b) 130 to show, and if you have other friends you want to invite, too bad, you'll just have empty seats because inviting more people would be rude (!!!)
c) change your venue at the expense of thousands of dollars in nonrefundable money because of 5-10 people that didn't quite fit on the original guest list because you had to invite second cousin so-and-so and great aunt Edna
or
d) invite the extra 5-10 people and risk 160 saying yes to your 150 person venue and you're over fire code, etc.

I guess in a perfect world we would know all these numbers, but my world isn't that perfect."

A venue at capacity is going to be tight. My fiance doesn't understand this. "Well what if 20 people decline? The room will look empty." No, it won't. If the room has a capacity of 200 and we only have 170, it's going to be great. The tables won't be squeezed together, there will be room for guests to breathe. It is not going to look empty because there are 3 less tables.

labro · April 2014

@ashleyep I so agree with you. My sister's venue accommodated 200 supposedly. She ended up having around 160something people attend (out of about 180something invited) and the venue was perfectly packed. It definitely didn't feel even close to empty and I don't see how they venue could have fit tables for 200 in that space anyway without seriously infringing on the already smallish dance floor.

delujm0 · April 2014

LaPeanut1018 said:

@ashleyep I so agree with you. My sister's venue accommodated 200 supposedly. She ended up having around 160something people attend (out of about 180something invited) and the venue was perfectly packed. It definitely didn't feel even close to empty and I don't see how they venue could have fit tables for 200 in that space anyway without seriously infringing on the already smallish dance floor.

Agreed. Most venues at capacity don't include space for a dance floor, or buffet tables/food stations (if that's what you're planning), so filling a venue to capacity is going to make it WAY too full. 85% of capacity is about right.

I love the list of supposed "options." You know what the ACTUAL solution is? MAKE YOUR GUEST LIST AND BUDGET BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE. That way, you don't even waste your time going to look at venues that are too small to accomodate your entire guest list, or venues that are unaffordable for the quantity of people you want to invite. PROBLEM SOLVED. And without B-listing OR leaving any of your friends off of your guest list! I must be a genius for figuring this all out!!!

It's caled prioritizing, people. If you HAVE to have that expensive venue, you can't have as many guests there. If you HAVE to have 200 guests, get a less expensive venue and invite them all. Why is this so hard? Everyone is so unwilling to compromise these days, it's insane. i mean i would have looked great in a $10k Vera Wang wedding gown, but i'm not getting one of those because if i did i couldn't afford to feed 150 people at my reception. This isn't rocket science.

lyndausvi · April 2014

delujm0 said:

LaPeanut1018 said:

@ashleyep I so agree with you. My sister's venue accommodated 200 supposedly. She ended up having around 160something people attend (out of about 180something invited) and the venue was perfectly packed. It definitely didn't feel even close to empty and I don't see how they venue could have fit tables for 200 in that space anyway without seriously infringing on the already smallish dance floor.

Agreed. Most venues at capacity don't include space for a dance floor, or buffet tables/food stations (if that's what you're planning), so filling a venue to capacity is going to make it WAY too full. 85% of capacity is about right.

I love the list of supposed "options." You know what the ACTUAL solution is? MAKE YOUR GUEST LIST AND BUDGET BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE. That way, you don't even waste your time going to look at venues that are too small to accomodate your entire guest list, or venues that are unaffordable for the quantity of people you want to invite. PROBLEM SOLVED. And without B-listing OR leaving any of your friends off of your guest list! I must be a genius for figuring this all out!!!

It's caled prioritizing, people. If you HAVE to have that expensive venue, you can't have as many guests there. If you HAVE to have 200 guests, get a less expensive venue and invite them all. Why is this so hard? Everyone is so unwilling to compromise these days, it's insane. i mean i would have looked great in a $10k Vera Wang wedding gown, but i'm not getting one of those because if i did i couldn't afford to feed 150 people at my reception. This isn't rocket science.

EXACTLY.

Some people make this way more complicated than it needs to be. I blame media and pinterest for making people WANT all the little details that they end up unable to "afford" to host everyone they supposedly want to invite. In reality most people could afford to host their guests properly if they didn't want champagne dreams on a beer budget.

My guests list was always more important that the wow factor of a venue.

ETA - I should note, that if the wow factor is more important to you, fine. It's your wedding. But own it. Do not be pretend that you really wanted to invite certain people and can't afford to. Most likely it's your own planning causing them not to be invited. It's your own "guilt" causing you to b-list people. If you really, truly wanted them there you would make it work in the beginning.

Contrary to what couples think your extended social group are normally pretty neutral when it comes to wedding invites. If we get one great. If we don't, we are not sitting around sulking.

I just can't today...WW "B-List"

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