Divorce

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

I was talking to my cousin today about a girl he's reconnected with and at one point he asked a question about my husband and I and how we met/got together. When we met H had been married going on 7 years, when they separated we became a couple like immediately. I know they didn't have a great marriage but that they did love each other.

It got me thinking... What do you think leads to divorce? I know there's the major circumstances of cheating, abuse, addictions but I mean aside from those. We've been together for 6 years, married for 5 in June and aside from a 6 month separation a few years back, we have been great. Not saying there aren't days I don't like him but as we are now, I don't see what could ever lead us down that road.

Thought, opinions? Lol

Emmy1493 · April 2014

I think lack of communication can cause issues, and also money. That seems to always make things bad if the couple isn't on same page as far as finances go, etc. Also, lack of intimacy maybe? It's different for everyone, though so that might not be a great one.

Jells2dot0 · April 2014

I was married to my ex husband for two years after having been engaged to him for two years and together for a year and a half prior to that. For us, our divorce stemmed from a myriad of things: immaturity (on both of our parts), thinking the other person would change (and surprise, that didn't happen!), and just forcing the relationship to go somewhere where it was never meant to go. We both needed something from the other person and our relationship fulfilled that need at that time (I needed someone to get me through being out on my own; my ex needed someone to keep him on the right path after he worked so hard to leave his bad past behind.) Once we "grew up", we started to develop into two separate people and no longer needed what the other person provided. We realized that we cared about each other, but not in the way that a husband and wife should. So, we separated and our divorce was final 60 days later. There was no arguing, abuse, or tirades in court.

larrygaga · April 2014

Lack of communication is at the root of all problems in a relationship. Ain't nobody a mind-reader.

FiancB · April 2014

I think a lot of it is a lack of communication. I also think a lot of it is coming to a point where at least one party takes the other for granted.

I ran across this ages ago and I think it's actually really good advice, and an entertaining and light read:... well shoot, it seems to have been taken down. It was a 2 part blog called "16 ways I blew my marriage" from single dad laughing. Basically, it's little disrespectful stuff that gets more and more common in a long term relationship that breeds resentment over time.

phira · April 2014

I think it's really a case-by-case thing, but in general, I'd say getting married assuming the other person will change; lack of communication; and getting married out of complacency.

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

Oh yea I remember seeing that! I thought that was great and was spot on! I agree with the communication, we get in ruts of routine and we say something to the other if it's more than a few days.

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

Jells2dot0 said:
I was married to my ex husband for two years after having been engaged to him for two years and together for a year and a half prior to that. For us, our divorce stemmed from a myriad of things: immaturity (on both of our parts), thinking the other person would change (and surprise, that didn't happen!), and just forcing the relationship to go somewhere where it was never meant to go. We both needed something from the other person and our relationship fulfilled that need at that time (I needed someone to get me through being out on my own; my ex needed someone to keep him on the right path after he worked so hard to leave his bad past behind.) Once we "grew up", we started to develop into two separate people and no longer needed what the other person provided. We realized that we cared about each other, but not in the way that a husband and wife should. So, we separated and our divorce was final 60 days later. There was no arguing, abuse, or tirades in court.

Jells, do you think everyone grows apart or it depends on the individual situations? I know I see things all the time about their spouse makes them want to be a better person and I don't know that my husband necessarily does that for me. I know as my own self I try to be a good and kind to person to anyone I meet but that's not because of him. I know we both grew and changed during our separation but when it came down to going through with a divorce or not neither of is could go through with us and now we are where we're at but it did come very close and we've both had to accept things of each other that we know won't change lol

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

Jells2dot0 said:
I was married to my ex husband for two years after having been engaged to him for two years and together for a year and a half prior to that. For us, our divorce stemmed from a myriad of things: immaturity (on both of our parts), thinking the other person would change (and surprise, that didn't happen!), and just forcing the relationship to go somewhere where it was never meant to go. We both needed something from the other person and our relationship fulfilled that need at that time (I needed someone to get me through being out on my own; my ex needed someone to keep him on the right path after he worked so hard to leave his bad past behind.) Once we "grew up", we started to develop into two separate people and no longer needed what the other person provided. We realized that we cared about each other, but not in the way that a husband and wife should. So, we separated and our divorce was final 60 days later. There was no arguing, abuse, or tirades in court.

Jells, do you think everyone grows apart or it depends on the individual situations? I know I see things all the time about their spouse makes them want to be a better person and I don't know that my husband necessarily does that for me. I know as my own self I try to be a good and kind to person to anyone I meet but that's not because of him. I know we both grew and changed during our separation but when it came down to going through with a divorce or not neither of is could go through with us and now we are where we're at but it did come very close and we've both had to accept things of each other that we know won't change lol

afox007 · April 2014

FI had separated from his wife before we first started dating; in fact the divorce will FINALLY be finalized soon. Talking to him the main things pretty much everything that has been said was a part of it.

Money-Aside from the occasional part time job she never worked, but was awful with money. No matter how much he made they were always broke. She would run out and blow a ton on a new tattoo or junk food and he would be scrambling to get dinner on the table.

Communication-No matter what was said she found a way to interpret it in the most negative way possible and it would lead to a fight. Asking her to do laundry resulted in her thinking he was accusing her of being lazy.

Immaturity/hoping she would change-They were young when they got married and once he was a little older/wiser realized she had no ambition, would pick fights with everyone, and he hoped she would change or grow up. He said he almost left 7 years before he finally did, but he spent those 7 years trying to get her to change.

Addiction-Meth just soo much meth

The last thing was they were definitely not on the same page and he knew he would never have the life he wanted with her. He liked doing things like impromptu fires at the beach and hikes she wanted to stay home and drink. He want a nice house and extra money for vacations, but she refused to work and was content living in low income housing on food stamps. Within 6 months of leaving her he had everything he had wanted.

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

Afox it sounds like you just described my H ex wife minus the meth part. That and he became very resentful when his dad passed away and the months leading up to it she refused to have anything to do with them until the funeral. We definitely have the money issues but that's a work in progress. We have everything he's ever wanted that he never would have had if he stayed with her.

Jells2dot0 · April 2014

Drewsgirl31 said:

I was married to my ex husband for two years after having been engaged to him for two years and together for a year and a half prior to that. For us, our divorce stemmed from a myriad of things: immaturity (on both of our parts), thinking the other person would change (and surprise, that didn't happen!), and just forcing the relationship to go somewhere where it was never meant to go. We both needed something from the other person and our relationship fulfilled that need at that time (I needed someone to get me through being out on my own; my ex needed someone to keep him on the right path after he worked so hard to leave his bad past behind.) Once we "grew up", we started to develop into two separate people and no longer needed what the other person provided. We realized that we cared about each other, but not in the way that a husband and wife should. So, we separated and our divorce was final 60 days later. There was no arguing, abuse, or tirades in court.
Jells, do you think everyone grows apart or it depends on the individual situations? I know I see things all the time about their spouse makes them want to be a better person and I don't know that my husband necessarily does that for me. I know as my own self I try to be a good and kind to person to anyone I meet but that's not because of him. I know we both grew and changed during our separation but when it came down to going through with a divorce or not neither of is could go through with us and now we are where we're at but it did come very close and we've both had to accept things of each other that we know won't change lol

I do not think that everyone grows apart. I think we grew apart because we forced something to happen when it should have never gotten to that point. We did it out of fear of the unknown. I also admittedly thought very poorly of myself and didn't have the courage to leave (the immaturity I mentioned.) I think there are plenty of couples that genuinely do grow together, but as with most things, it does take some work to get through it.

My current DH is an amazing person, who is just a genuine, kind, loving companion, dad, and human. Does he make me want to be a better person? No, not really. I'm not him and he is not me. I certainly compromise from time to time, but I like who I am and don't really want to change. Plus, he loves me for me, and vice versa, so why should I change?

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

I completely agree Jells

It's not somthing I would ever try to change but where we're the most opposite is that I'm a very outgoing person who doesn't know a stranger where he feels the world is out to get him and that makes me stabby when I just want to have a good time and were out somewhere

jenna8984 · April 2014

I haven't been divorced but my brother has. He was with the girl on and off for 5 years then on for 4 years. They fought all the time and I knew from the get-go they never should have gotten married. When they were on and off they had drug problems and cheating problems and they both just figured "well the person stuck with me through that, might as well marry them?". Not a good reason to marry someone and I wasn't surprised when it ended.

My good friend from high school was with a man for 6 years. She hated his children from a previous marriage and complained about taking them for the weekends. She wanted her own baby and he made it clear that he didn't want more, but of course she thought she could change his mind. She was "bored" and would always tell me that he wasn't the one but that he financially took care of her and she just didn't want to deal with dating and finding someone new and being out of that comfort zone. Obviously I was not surprised when she cheated 6 months into marriage and left him.

So it's different for everyone but I truly believe the majority of divorces are people who knew they shouldn't get married/ had red flags but went through with it anyways.

Jells2dot0 · April 2014

jenna8984 said:

I haven't been divorced but my brother has. He was with the girl on and off for 5 years then on for 4 years. They fought all the time and I knew from the get-go they never should have gotten married. When they were on and off they had drug problems and cheating problems and they both just figured "well the person stuck with me through that, might as well marry them?". Not a good reason to marry someone and I wasn't surprised when it ended.

My good friend from high school was with a man for 6 years. She hated his children from a previous marriage and complained about taking them for the weekends. She wanted her own baby and he made it clear that he didn't want more, but of course she thought she could change his mind. She was "bored" and would always tell me that he wasn't the one but that he financially took care of her and she just didn't want to deal with dating and finding someone new and being out of that comfort zone. Obviously I was not surprised when she cheated 6 months into marriage and left him.

So it's different for everyone but I truly believe the majority of divorces are people who knew they shouldn't get married/ had red flags but went through with it anyways.

THIS.

princessleia22 · April 2014

I think a lot of making a marriage work comes down to communication, respect, and real commitment to each other. If you have those things, you can work through everything else.

FI and I have been together 5 years (living together 4.5 years of it) and have never had a real fight. We've had small disagreements, but we communicate well with each other, so it never escalates to more. And it's not that we haven't faced hardships either. FI was unemployed for 3 years of that time, which certainly caused stress. And at one point, for about 6 months, we were both unemployed. Yes, it was horribly stressful (especially after our savings ran out and we still had no work prospects), but it actually pulled us closer together and we worked more as a team, rather than let it come between us. We both have a lot of respect for each other. And we both strive to make the other person happy. Putting each others happiness first tends to come back around and make sure we are both happy. And I know we both have the determination to work through anything together.

My brother got divorced because he married too young. After 3 years his wife came home and said she just didn't want to be married anymore. He wanted to stick it out and make it work, but it takes two people to do that and she wasn't willing to stay.

Both my parents and FI's parents have been married for over 40 years. I've seen my parents overcome a lot in their marriage. There was a time when I was younger where they came about as close as you can to divorce. If they hadn't had kids, they no doubt would have given up. It was obvious that they really didn't love or like each other much at that time. There was anger and resentment and a lot of fighting and it was about as bad as it could get for a while. But, they decided that they had made a commitment to each other and didn't want to give up on that. And they fought to work through it all. It was hard and it took time. But today, they are one of the happiest couples I know. They are that cute old couple you see holding hands at the grocery store that is disgustingly in love and makes you just go "awww, I hope to have that someday". They love each other completely... again. So, they have taught me that it is possible to overcome anything in a marriage if both parties are really determined to try. And that marriage is not going to be easy. FI and I have actually had discussions about that. We are going into marriage with understanding that it will take work, and someday we may not feel this same love for each other, and there will definitely be days that we won't like each other all that much, and we will get bored of each other, but that's okay because there isn't anyone else we'd rather struggle next to. And we look at our marriage as a commitment to each other to fight through all of that, through whatever comes at us, and work past it all. Even when I don't want to look at him anymore and it would be so easy to turn away, I'm promising to stay there and do whatever it takes to get through to the other side of that. We've even written our vows to stress that our real commitment to each other is to stay and fight and never give up. I know it kind of sounds pessimistic to go into it assuming the worst, but I figure it's just a reality that marriage will be hard. The fact that there are more divorces than happy marriages is proof of that. And I'd rather face that reality up front and be prepared if it comes to that... but I can still hope for eternal happiness too.

jenajjthr · April 2014

afox007 said:
FI had separated from his wife before we first started dating; in fact the divorce will FINALLY be finalized soon. Talking to him the main things pretty much everything that has been said was a part of it.

Money-Aside from the occasional part time job she never worked, but was awful with money. No matter how much he made they were always broke. She would run out and blow a ton on a new tattoo or junk food and he would be scrambling to get dinner on the table.

Communication-No matter what was said she found a way to interpret it in the most negative way possible and it would lead to a fight. Asking her to do laundry resulted in her thinking he was accusing her of being lazy.

Immaturity/hoping she would change-They were young when they got married and once he was a little older/wiser realized she had no ambition, would pick fights with everyone, and he hoped she would change or grow up. He said he almost left 7 years before he finally did, but he spent those 7 years trying to get her to change.

Addiction-Meth just soo much meth

The last thing was they were definitely not on the same page and he knew he would never have the life he wanted with her. He liked doing things like impromptu fires at the beach and hikes she wanted to stay home and drink. He want a nice house and extra money for vacations, but she refused to work and was content living in low income housing on food stamps. Within 6 months of leaving her he had everything he had wanted.

Except for the meth part, my ex would have said the same about me. All untrue (not saying yours isn't). I'm leery of what any ex says, including myself, because they are exs for a reason. In his case I'm the evil ex, treated him like a paycheck, didn't respect him, new wife thinks I'm a bitch. I know that he is a serial cheater, narcissitic, and I was done. I'm the one who left, who got the lawyer, who paid for the divorce. We did grow apart, I grew up. He stayed the same. I tried to work at the marriage, but when one party tells the counselor "I have a girlfriend and I'm not leaving her" its hard to make a marriage work.

CMGragain · April 2014

afox007 said:

FI had separated from his wife before we first started dating; in fact the divorce will FINALLY be finalized soon.

I am confused. How can you be engaged to a man who is still married to someone else?

CMGragain · April 2014

I am the only person in my family who has not been divorced. From what I could see, the biggest problem was unrealistic expectations and lack of communication.

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

CMGragain said:
afox007 said:
FI had separated from his wife before we first started dating; in fact the divorce will FINALLY be finalized soon.

I am confused. How can you be engaged to a man who is still married to someone else?

Why can't you as long as the divorce is actually going to happen?

My cousin and his ex took just about 3 years to be finalized, in that time she reconnected with someone in her past and they got married 2 weeks after the divorce was done and he is getting married in Oct and was engaged and had a child while technically still married to his ex.

afox007 · April 2014

CMGragain said:
afox007 said:
FI had separated from his wife before we first started dating; in fact the divorce will FINALLY be finalized soon.

I am confused. How can you be engaged to a man who is still married to someone else?

We've been together over two years, but his ex made the divorce take way longer than it needed to. We finally petitioned for default so things will almost be done. He saw no reason to make his life wait because if her.

Obviously we can't get married until after the divorce, but there's no reason we can't make a commitment to each other in the meantime.

netskyblue2 · April 2014

My first marriage ended because
1) We were so young and changed so much
2) His job took me away from my friends & family and because he got moved around a lot, I wasn't able to ever find & keep a "good" job. That was all really hard on me. I wasn't happy putting my goals second, as he expected me to do.
3) Our differing sex drives sure didn't help. I'm really not all that into sex, at least not frequently, and he wanted it every night.
4) Just our personalities. Due to #1, by the time we realized we were headed for divorce, we really weren't even friends. Just roommates.

We didn't ever fight or anything like that, we just realized we were too young (23 & 24 when we divorced) to waste our lives unhappily.

ElcaB · April 2014

I think many divorces happen because of money and the issue of children.

That aside, I think many people rush into things or get married too young. I'm not saying men and women in their early twenties shouldn't get married because of age, but I know I was definitely a different person at 21/22 than I was at 25/26 that would certainly affect a relationship.

Also, I think a lack of evolution within a relationship comes into play, too. I feel a relationship should continue to evolve and grow, always. Sometimes I think divorces are the result of a relationship standing still. Marriage (and relationships in general) take a lot of work, and when people stop putting the work in they stop growing.

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