Bridal Shower of Groomsman's FI is the day after my wedding

kaa32 · April 2014

FI's Groomsman is getting married a month after we are. I received an invite to his FI's bridal shower, but it's the day after our wedding. I'd rather opt out, but don't want to offend her/him. What do you think, should I go? Thanks for your help! Here's some more food for thought

-They are from NJ but now living in CA so it makes sense it's the day after our wedding since they'll be in NJ. I'm assuming she won't be at my bridal shower, which is absolutely fine.

-He was my FI's roommate so I practically lived with him for a year, but I've only hung out with her a few times. My FI is also his groomsman

-Our wedding doesn't end till midnight

-Shower is only 20 minutes from our wedding hotel and starts at 11:30AM

-That day I was planning on spending brunch with family who had come from out of state, but I haven't told my family yet

-We leave for our honeymoon the day after the bridal shower. I'll try to pack early, but chances are I won't be ready

-It's not at their house so maybe they would prefer if I declined since it's one less mouth to feed (wishful thinking?)

Jen4948 · April 2014

Either you go or you don't. There is no requirement that you attend.

But don't make your decision on the basis that their feelings might be hurt. Nobody is ever required to accept an invitation. You have valid reasons for wanting to decline. So if that's what you want to do, then do it. Don't waffle back and forth about it.

Just be tactful in the wording you use to decline: "As you know, we are getting married the day before, and while I'd really love to be there, it just isn't possible for me to attend. I hope you have a blast!"

MrsAitch · April 2014

Especially considering she's planning a wedding too I'm sure she will understand if you can't make it. Just RSVP "no"--no need to provide an explanation or apology. If you're feeling really generous, you could send a gift.

smalfrie19 · April 2014

An invitation is not a subpoena. If someone invited me to an event after my wedding, I would decline.

manateehugger · April 2014

I assume they'd understand if you decline. I can't imagine anyone would be outraged over it given the circumstances. If I were you, I'd decline, but send a nice gift.

mbross3 · April 2014

You absolutely don't have to attend, and given the circumstances I'm sure she would understand if you decline. I agree with PP who suggest declining and sending a nice gift.

lyndausvi · April 2014

I feel like you are trying to justify why you do not want to go. I mean, one less mouth to feed? Really?? That is a stretch.

If you don't want to go, don't. I'm sure they will understand.

lc07 · April 2014

I personally would decline and not give a reason. You don't ever have to give a reason for declining an invitation. I would send a gift and a thoughtful card.

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

I wouldn't go, if I were in your shoes. Don't feel bad, and like others have said, an invitation isn't a subpoena. And you have a pretty good excuse anyway.

Just food for thought: my parents hosted a bbq the day after my sister's wedding (wedding was Saturday, BBQ was the Sunday of memorial day weekend) for people still in town. My sister and her husband were absolutely exhausted. I would think you'd want to spend your first full married day with your husband anyway.

MairePoppy · April 2014

I wouldn't expect a bride to attend a shower one day after her own wedding.

melbenso · April 2014

I wouldn't go. I'm going to go ahead and guess that the day after my wedding, I'm going to be pretty tired and wanting to relax with my husband after saying good bye to family from out of town.

I don't think any reasonable person would expect someone to show up at an event less than 24 hours after their wedding.

wandajune6 · April 2014

I wouldn't go. It's just too much to have on your plate. Though I would send a gift and a thoughtful card.

Couggal12 · April 2014

Don't feel bad. I know I wouldn't go the day after my wedding. I will be too busy with my family still in town and getting things situated from the previous day.

grumbledore · April 2014

I doubt she'd be surprised if you declined since it's the day after your own wedding and you aren't close. If you are looking to cultivate a closer friendship with her, I might try to make it work, but otherwise just decline. You can always send a gift if you want to make a friendly overture.

grumbledore · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

Either you go or you don't. There is no requirement that you attend.

But don't make your decision on the basis that their feelings might be hurt. Nobody is ever required to accept an invitation. You have valid reasons for wanting to decline. So if that's what you want to do, then do it. Don't waffle back and forth about it.

Just be tactful in the wording you use to decline: "As you know, we are getting married the day before, and while I'd really love to be there, it just isn't possible for me to attend. I hope you have a blast!"

I don't think there's any reason for an explanation. They aren't close, she's the FI of OP's FI's GM. A simple No should suffice.

Jen4948 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

Either you go or you don't. There is no requirement that you attend.

But don't make your decision on the basis that their feelings might be hurt. Nobody is ever required to accept an invitation. You have valid reasons for wanting to decline. So if that's what you want to do, then do it. Don't waffle back and forth about it.

Just be tactful in the wording you use to decline: "As you know, we are getting married the day before, and while I'd really love to be there, it just isn't possible for me to attend. I hope you have a blast!"

I don't think there's any reason for an explanation. They aren't close, she's the FI of OP's FI's GM. A simple No should suffice.

I don't think this is an explanation. And a simple "No" can come across as unpleasantly curt and brusque. Even for people who aren't close, it can be desirable to avoid that.

afaber24 · April 2014

I don't think you should feel badly about not attending. She'll understand that you have a lot on your plate.

It would be super awesome if you're able to give them a small gift in lieu of attending the shower though! You could maybe send it to their house or wrap it and give it to her at your rehearsal dinner. Totally not necessary, but really nice to let her know you're thinking of them.

grumbledore · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

Either you go or you don't. There is no requirement that you attend.

But don't make your decision on the basis that their feelings might be hurt. Nobody is ever required to accept an invitation. You have valid reasons for wanting to decline. So if that's what you want to do, then do it. Don't waffle back and forth about it.

Just be tactful in the wording you use to decline: "As you know, we are getting married the day before, and while I'd really love to be there, it just isn't possible for me to attend. I hope you have a blast!"

I don't think there's any reason for an explanation. They aren't close, she's the FI of OP's FI's GM. A simple No should suffice.

I don't think this is an explanation. And a simple "No" can come across as unpleasantly curt and brusque. Even for people who aren't close, it can be desirable to avoid that.

Well, the bride won't be hosting (one can hope), so OP will be RSVPing to someone who likely doesn't know her from a hole in the wall and isn't going to care why she isn't coming, so... and if it's a mail-in RSVP, then "no" will be a choice and certainly won't be considered "unpleasantly curt and brusque" imo.

Personally, I'd decline and send a card/gift since this woman is marrying a close friend of FI.

phira · April 2014

I mean, the reason you can't attend is because you are hosting a post-wedding brunch for out of town guests. Even if you haven't officially made those plans, that's something you're going to do. It's like RSVPing no to an event that you know will conflict with your rehearsal dinner, even if the rehearsal dinner has not been officially planned. It's fine.

Your question is basically, "How can I decline and not offend anyone?" The short answer is, you can't. It is perfectly fine for you to decline, without giving any justification. If the bride is upset that you've declined, then ... so what? She can feel whatever she feels, and you weren't being rude.

sofakingmad · April 2014

Regardless if all I had to do the day after my wedding was relax and pack, there is no way that I would be attending that shower.

Just decline. Any normal bride would understand why you can't be there.

Jen4948 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

Either you go or you don't. There is no requirement that you attend.

But don't make your decision on the basis that their feelings might be hurt. Nobody is ever required to accept an invitation. You have valid reasons for wanting to decline. So if that's what you want to do, then do it. Don't waffle back and forth about it.

Just be tactful in the wording you use to decline: "As you know, we are getting married the day before, and while I'd really love to be there, it just isn't possible for me to attend. I hope you have a blast!"

I don't think there's any reason for an explanation. They aren't close, she's the FI of OP's FI's GM. A simple No should suffice.

I don't think this is an explanation. And a simple "No" can come across as unpleasantly curt and brusque. Even for people who aren't close, it can be desirable to avoid that.

Well, the bride won't be hosting (one can hope), so OP will be RSVPing to someone who likely doesn't know her from a hole in the wall and isn't going to care why she isn't coming, so... and if it's a mail-in RSVP, then "no" will be a choice and certainly won't be considered "unpleasantly curt and brusque" imo.

Personally, I'd decline and send a card/gift since this woman is marrying a close friend of FI.

If it's a mail-in, then I agree, you can just say "no." But if you have to speak to someone, then I still think "no" and nothing else will be considered "unpleasantly curt and brusque." I'd say "Thank you, but I unfortunately can't make it. I'm sorry" to soften the refusal.

climbingsingle · April 2014

Personally, there's no way I'd attend a shower the day after my wedding. And I wouldn't feel bad about it.

blabla89 · April 2014

I wouldn't want to go to the shower either. In this situation I think you can decline without offending anyone, because the bride should totally understand. Just say, "Thank you so much for the invitation! I would love to be there, but FI and I will be entertaining OOT family who came in for our wedding." Send a nice gift or card, if you like.

larrygaga · April 2014

I'm sure she would understand if you don't go

emmaaa · April 2014

I would decline and send a gift. I'm sure she would understand that you did not attend.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I would decline & send a gift. When you see her at your wedding you can tell her that you hope she has a great time at her shower and you're sorry that you'll miss it but you'll be spending the morning with OOT family & then packing for honeymoon. Since she is a bride right after you, I'm sure she will understand.

MrsAitch · April 2014

phira said:

I mean, the reason you can't attend is because you are hosting a post-wedding brunch for out of town guests. Even if you haven't officially made those plans, that's something you're going to do. It's like RSVPing no to an event that you know will conflict with your rehearsal dinner, even if the rehearsal dinner has not been officially planned. It's fine.

Your question is basically, "How can I decline and not offend anyone?" The short answer is, you can't. It is perfectly fine for you to decline, without giving any justification. If the bride is upset that you've declined, then ... so what? She can feel whatever she feels, and you weren't being rude.

Um...what? Since when is the day after brunch for OOT guests a requirement?

winterbride1989 · April 2014

MrsAitch said:

phira said:

I mean, the reason you can't attend is because you are hosting a post-wedding brunch for out of town guests. Even if you haven't officially made those plans, that's something you're going to do. It's like RSVPing no to an event that you know will conflict with your rehearsal dinner, even if the rehearsal dinner has not been officially planned. It's fine.

Your question is basically, "How can I decline and not offend anyone?" The short answer is, you can't. It is perfectly fine for you to decline, without giving any justification. If the bride is upset that you've declined, then ... so what? She can feel whatever she feels, and you weren't being rude.

Um...what? Since when is the day after brunch for OOT guests a requirement?

It's not. OP said in the original post that she was going to, but hadn't made any formal plans yet.

SammiNJonni · April 2014

Just RSVP no.

doeydo · April 2014

I would not go. Maybe send a gift and a card, if you want to.

SP29 · April 2014

I would decline the invitation. I am sure she will understand why. If you see her in person after, you can always express your regrets then, but otherwise you don't need to give an explanation.

I would send a card and gift.

Bridal Shower of Groomsman's FI is the day after my wedding

Re: Bridal Shower of Groomsman's FI is the day after my wedding

Choose Another Board

Search Boards