Bridesmaid Woes and +1

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I had asked a long time friend to be a bridesmaid and she was very happy to accept. A few days later, she asked me why I hadn't made her the MOH since we've been friends the longest. I explained that I loved her and I'm sorry if she feels less than special but that wasn't my intention. We got over it. This past weekend was my bachelorette party and there was a bit of drama between the bridesmaids. We *seemed* to have gotten over it but things are still a little awkward.

I send her an invite for her and her BF. She RSVPd with just her name so I asked if she was bringing him. She said "Most likely, why?. I said I needed to know who she was bringing for sure (due date was 04/15). She said things are weird between them and she doesn't know if she'll bring him but if she doesn't, she'll bring someone else.

I gave two other wedding party members a plus 1 but I listed him by name. On one hand, it does suck to go to a wedding alone, especially if you are on the verge of a break up or there are some funny feelings with other people in the wedding party, but on the other hand, I'm not asking for much to let me know who in fact is coming (I asked her to let me know by the 30th of April). Am I nitpicking?

Jen4948 · April 2014

I don't think you're nitpicking. I think it's not too much to expect a name by the RSVP date. You invited her BF by name; she doesn't get to decide to bring someone else instead whom you didn't invite unless that's her BF at the time. Your invitation was not transferable to a guest of her choice.

NYCMercedes · April 2014

You asked her to let you know by the 30th, so that's your acceptance of her substitution. Now you just wait.

AddieCake · April 2014

I am in the camp that doesn't care if someone substitutes in for their SO. Plus, she's one of your bridesmaids, so I would definitely make an exception. Not everyone feels the same, but for me, this was truly something I gave nonefucks about.

OliveOilsMom · April 2014

JMVA2014 said:

I had asked a long time friend to be a bridesmaid and she was very happy to accept. A few days later, she asked me why I hadn't made her the MOH since we've been friends the longest. I explained that I loved her and I'm sorry if she feels less than special but that wasn't my intention. We got over it. This past weekend was my bachelorette party and there was a bit of drama between the bridesmaids. We *seemed* to have gotten over it but things are still a little awkward.

I send her an invite for her and her BF. She RSVPd with just her name so I asked if she was bringing him. She said "Most likely, why?. I said I needed to know who she was bringing for sure (due date was 04/15). She said things are weird between them and she doesn't know if she'll bring him but if she doesn't, she'll bring someone else.

I gave two other wedding party members a plus 1 but I listed him by name. On one hand, it does suck to go to a wedding alone, especially if you are on the verge of a break up or there are some funny feelings with other people in the wedding party, but on the other hand, I'm not asking for much to let me know who in fact is coming (I asked her to let me know by the 30th of April). Am I nitpicking?

Since she is a WP member and you offered other WP members plus ones, I would allow her to transfer her "guest" in this instance. If she were any other guest, I would be more inclined to tell her that she cannot substitute.

larrygaga · April 2014

I would just let her bring whoever. She's in the wedding party and it really shouldn't matter if you are already planning a place for her boyfriend. I wouldn't want to go to a wedding alone, but that's just me. If it were a guest, I would think about it differently.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I think it's reasonable to want to know the person's name so you can write out the escort card. But you gave her 'til the 30th, so just wait until then.

lc07 · April 2014

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Jen4948 · April 2014

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

I agree with Scribe. This is ridiculous. Unless her friend has a history of hanging around criminals and druggies who like to steal so that they can get their fix, then the bride really does not need to know who her BM is bringing.

Jen4948 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

I agree with Scribe. This is ridiculous. Unless her friend has a history of hanging around criminals and druggies who like to steal so that they can get their fix, then the bride really does not need to know who her BM is bringing.

That's just it: she might well need to know that. And she may have other guests who need to avoid the person. So no, I don't agree that she doesn't need to know who is attending an event she's hosting. I think that's the one thing a host damn well needs to know.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

I agree with Scribe. This is ridiculous. Unless her friend has a history of hanging around criminals and druggies who like to steal so that they can get their fix, then the bride really does not need to know who her BM is bringing.

That's just it: she might well need to know that. And she may have other guests who need to avoid the person. So no, I don't agree that she doesn't need to know who is attending an event she's hosting. I think that's the one thing a host damn well needs to know.

I think you are assuming a lot here. Would you really do background checks on every single person that you don't know well? A lot of it comes down to trust. And if she trusts her friends judgement then she really has nothing to worry about.

Jen4948 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

I agree with Scribe. This is ridiculous. Unless her friend has a history of hanging around criminals and druggies who like to steal so that they can get their fix, then the bride really does not need to know who her BM is bringing.

That's just it: she might well need to know that. And she may have other guests who need to avoid the person. So no, I don't agree that she doesn't need to know who is attending an event she's hosting. I think that's the one thing a host damn well needs to know.
I think you are assuming a lot here. Would you really do background checks on every single person that you don't know well? A lot of it comes down to trust. And if she trusts her friends judgement then she really has nothing to worry about.

If she and her friend can trust each other's judgment, then there's no fucking reason why her friend can't tell her who she's planning to bring!

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

I agree with Scribe. This is ridiculous. Unless her friend has a history of hanging around criminals and druggies who like to steal so that they can get their fix, then the bride really does not need to know who her BM is bringing.

That's just it: she might well need to know that. And she may have other guests who need to avoid the person. So no, I don't agree that she doesn't need to know who is attending an event she's hosting. I think that's the one thing a host damn well needs to know.
I think you are assuming a lot here. Would you really do background checks on every single person that you don't know well? A lot of it comes down to trust. And if she trusts her friends judgement then she really has nothing to worry about.

If she and her friend can trust each other's judgment, then there's no fucking reason why her friend can't tell her who she's planning to bring!

Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that? Her friend said that things are weird between her and her BF. Maybe she is trying to work things out with him. Maybe that isn't going well. Maybe she doesn't know who she will bring in his place if they can't work things out. But she has to the 30th to decide and let her friend know. That is 9 days away so she has time.

Jen4948 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

I agree with Scribe. This is ridiculous. Unless her friend has a history of hanging around criminals and druggies who like to steal so that they can get their fix, then the bride really does not need to know who her BM is bringing.

That's just it: she might well need to know that. And she may have other guests who need to avoid the person. So no, I don't agree that she doesn't need to know who is attending an event she's hosting. I think that's the one thing a host damn well needs to know.
I think you are assuming a lot here. Would you really do background checks on every single person that you don't know well? A lot of it comes down to trust. And if she trusts her friends judgement then she really has nothing to worry about.

If she and her friend can trust each other's judgment, then there's no fucking reason why her friend can't tell her who she's planning to bring!

Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that? Her friend said that things are weird between her and her BF. Maybe she is trying to work things out with him. Maybe that isn't going well. Maybe she doesn't know who she will bring in his place if they can't work things out. But she has to the 30th to decide and let her friend know. That is 9 days away so she has time.

Yes, Maggie, I fucking thought of that! Did you ever fucking think that the friend has to RSVP by a given time, just like every other guest who was invited by name? Maybe she should be thinking about who she wants to bring instead of waiting for the last minute! Weddings, especially those of one's best friends, are not clubs!

With that in mind, Maggie, would you stop throwing temper tantrums at me? Neither of us has a dog in this fight.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

She's probably about to go through a breakup. That's a horrible thing to deal with. Please let this slide and let her bring a guest. You don't NEED to know who it is. She has told you she is bringing someone, so it's not like she is leaving you hanging on your catering numbers.

Actually, yes, she does need to know that this is someone who she doesn't have to have security escort out.

I agree with Scribe. This is ridiculous. Unless her friend has a history of hanging around criminals and druggies who like to steal so that they can get their fix, then the bride really does not need to know who her BM is bringing.

That's just it: she might well need to know that. And she may have other guests who need to avoid the person. So no, I don't agree that she doesn't need to know who is attending an event she's hosting. I think that's the one thing a host damn well needs to know.
I think you are assuming a lot here. Would you really do background checks on every single person that you don't know well? A lot of it comes down to trust. And if she trusts her friends judgement then she really has nothing to worry about.

If she and her friend can trust each other's judgment, then there's no fucking reason why her friend can't tell her who she's planning to bring!

Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that? Her friend said that things are weird between her and her BF. Maybe she is trying to work things out with him. Maybe that isn't going well. Maybe she doesn't know who she will bring in his place if they can't work things out. But she has to the 30th to decide and let her friend know. That is 9 days away so she has time.

Yes, Maggie, I fucking thought of that! Did you ever fucking think that the friend has to RSVP by a given time, just like every other guest who was invited by name? Maybe she should be fucking thinking about who she wants to bring instead of fucking waiting for the last fucking minute! Weddings, especially those of one's best friends, are not fucking clubs!

Her friend gave her to the 30th to let her know what was going on and who she was bringing. She has 9 days. As the bride, I would be concerned for my friend and wondering how she is handling her possible breakup rather then only worrying about my guest list. Yes, she would need her final number/name of guest, but again she still has 9 days to give it to her. It should not matter if her friend gives it her now or on the 30th. As long as the friend gives her the necessary information on the date supplied by the bride then friend is doing nothing wrong.

ETA: This is one person. One person. The friend already told the bride that she will be bringing someone regardless so the name can really wait and if the bride never gets the name then all she has to do is put "and Guest" on the escort card.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

Jen4948 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

I am not your biggest fan either, Maggie, but I find the tone of your "Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that?" really obnoxious. It's not your business whether I've thought of anything.

And if I needed an RSVP 9 days, I don't think that even with my closest friends, I'm going to be okay with their not giving me the name of the person they want to bring, especially if they're "on and off" with their BFs. That doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about my friends; it just means that I'd like them to tell me who they plan to bring, so that for example, I can provide them with food they need if they have special dietary requirements, or other special needs that can't easily be met if I only hear about them on the day of. It's about planning to host them properly. In return, the least they can do is not keep me in the dark.

lc07 · April 2014

Thanks Maggie and Scribe. Yea, Jen, I mean I guess if the OP is concerned that her friend may bring someone criminal to the event then yes, she "needs to know". This was not a concern I had with anyone on my guest list. I also did have security at my wedding just in case. And the OP made no mention of that being a concern in her post.

lc07 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

I am not your biggest fan either, Maggie, but I find the tone of your "Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that?" really obnoxious. It's not your business whether I've thought of anything.

And if I needed an RSVP 9 days, I don't think that even with my closest friends, I'm going to be okay with their not giving me the name of the person they want to bring, especially if they're "on and off" with their BFs. That doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about my friends; it just means that I'd like them to tell me who they plan to bring, so that for example, I can provide them with food they need if they have special dietary requirements, or other special needs that can't easily be met if I only hear about them on the day of. It's about planning to host them properly. In return, the least they can do is not keep me in the dark.

I think it's really nice that you want to host the friend's guest properly. It just sounds to me like she doesn't know if she will be with her boyfriend at the time of the wedding and if she isn't that she'd like to have the option to bring someone else. I would rather my friend be comfortable especially during what I presume is a difficult and give me a last minute name of a person than not have a guest at all.

Jen4948 · April 2014

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

I am not your biggest fan either, Maggie, but I find the tone of your "Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that?" really obnoxious. It's not your business whether I've thought of anything.

And if I needed an RSVP 9 days, I don't think that even with my closest friends, I'm going to be okay with their not giving me the name of the person they want to bring, especially if they're "on and off" with their BFs. That doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about my friends; it just means that I'd like them to tell me who they plan to bring, so that for example, I can provide them with food they need if they have special dietary requirements, or other special needs that can't easily be met if I only hear about them on the day of. It's about planning to host them properly. In return, the least they can do is not keep me in the dark.

I think it's really nice that you want to host the friend's guest properly. It just sounds to me like she doesn't know if she will be with her boyfriend at the time of the wedding and if she isn't that she'd like to have the option to bring someone else. I would rather my friend be comfortable especially during what I presume is a difficult and give me a last minute name of a person than not have a guest at all.

There's no reason that she can't bring someone else-I'd just like to know who. It's not a matter of her not being comfortable-just a matter of knowing that this person's needs are met as well. Because if this person had an allergy or other need and we didn't know about it in advance, there's no way we can prepare for it.

lc07 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

I am not your biggest fan either, Maggie, but I find the tone of your "Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that?" really obnoxious. It's not your business whether I've thought of anything.

And if I needed an RSVP 9 days, I don't think that even with my closest friends, I'm going to be okay with their not giving me the name of the person they want to bring, especially if they're "on and off" with their BFs. That doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about my friends; it just means that I'd like them to tell me who they plan to bring, so that for example, I can provide them with food they need if they have special dietary requirements, or other special needs that can't easily be met if I only hear about them on the day of. It's about planning to host them properly. In return, the least they can do is not keep me in the dark.

I think it's really nice that you want to host the friend's guest properly. It just sounds to me like she doesn't know if she will be with her boyfriend at the time of the wedding and if she isn't that she'd like to have the option to bring someone else. I would rather my friend be comfortable especially during what I presume is a difficult and give me a last minute name of a person than not have a guest at all.

There's no reason that she can't bring someone else-I'd just like to know who. It's not a matter of her not being comfortable-just a matter of knowing that this person's needs are met as well. Because if this person had an allergy or other need and we didn't know about it in advance, there's no way we can prepare for it.

And where I differ with you is that if my friend couldn't tell me until the day before the wedding who it was going to be, that would be fine with me.

Sure, I'd like to know sooner to be able to host them to the best of my abilities but if my friend can't tell me sooner because they don't know who they will be bringing sooner due to a sad circumstance like a potential breakup, I don't want her to have to say "no one, I'll come alone" by my cut-off date because they don't have a specific name to give me at that time.

Jen4948 · April 2014

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

I am not your biggest fan either, Maggie, but I find the tone of your "Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that?" really obnoxious. It's not your business whether I've thought of anything.

And if I needed an RSVP 9 days, I don't think that even with my closest friends, I'm going to be okay with their not giving me the name of the person they want to bring, especially if they're "on and off" with their BFs. That doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about my friends; it just means that I'd like them to tell me who they plan to bring, so that for example, I can provide them with food they need if they have special dietary requirements, or other special needs that can't easily be met if I only hear about them on the day of. It's about planning to host them properly. In return, the least they can do is not keep me in the dark.

I think it's really nice that you want to host the friend's guest properly. It just sounds to me like she doesn't know if she will be with her boyfriend at the time of the wedding and if she isn't that she'd like to have the option to bring someone else. I would rather my friend be comfortable especially during what I presume is a difficult and give me a last minute name of a person than not have a guest at all.

There's no reason that she can't bring someone else-I'd just like to know who. It's not a matter of her not being comfortable-just a matter of knowing that this person's needs are met as well. Because if this person had an allergy or other need and we didn't know about it in advance, there's no way we can prepare for it.

And where I differ with you is that if my friend couldn't tell me until the day before the wedding who it was going to be, that would be fine with me.

Sure, I'd like to know sooner to be able to host them to the best of my abilities but if my friend can't tell me sooner because they don't know who they will be bringing sooner due to a sad circumstance like a potential breakup, I don't want her to have to say "no one, I'll come alone" by my cut-off date because they don't have a specific name to give me at that time.

You might not want that, but I wouldn't want my friend to bring someone who is allergic to most of my menu and only find out on the day that he can't eat anything.

There are other reasons why I'd need my friend to give me a name. I'd want to make sure that the person isn't someone I'd deliberately left off my guest list in the first place. If they aren't actually in a relationship, then I'd need my friend to understand that this person wasn't invited and I need my friend not to bring him/her. And if they are in a relationship, I'd need my friend to know that so they're not too taken aback if the person they want to bring only gets politeness from me and not warm fuzzies.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

I am not your biggest fan either, Maggie, but I find the tone of your "Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that?" really obnoxious. It's not your business whether I've thought of anything.

And if I needed an RSVP 9 days, I don't think that even with my closest friends, I'm going to be okay with their not giving me the name of the person they want to bring, especially if they're "on and off" with their BFs. That doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about my friends; it just means that I'd like them to tell me who they plan to bring, so that for example, I can provide them with food they need if they have special dietary requirements, or other special needs that can't easily be met if I only hear about them on the day of. It's about planning to host them properly. In return, the least they can do is not keep me in the dark.

I think it's really nice that you want to host the friend's guest properly. It just sounds to me like she doesn't know if she will be with her boyfriend at the time of the wedding and if she isn't that she'd like to have the option to bring someone else. I would rather my friend be comfortable especially during what I presume is a difficult and give me a last minute name of a person than not have a guest at all.

There's no reason that she can't bring someone else-I'd just like to know who. It's not a matter of her not being comfortable-just a matter of knowing that this person's needs are met as well. Because if this person had an allergy or other need and we didn't know about it in advance, there's no way we can prepare for it.

And where I differ with you is that if my friend couldn't tell me until the day before the wedding who it was going to be, that would be fine with me.

Sure, I'd like to know sooner to be able to host them to the best of my abilities but if my friend can't tell me sooner because they don't know who they will be bringing sooner due to a sad circumstance like a potential breakup, I don't want her to have to say "no one, I'll come alone" by my cut-off date because they don't have a specific name to give me at that time.

You might not want that, but I wouldn't want my friend to bring someone who is allergic to most of my menu and only find out on the day that he can't eat anything.

There are other reasons why I'd need my friend to give me a name. I'd want to make sure that the person isn't someone I'd deliberately left off my guest list in the first place. If they aren't actually in a relationship, then I'd need my friend to understand that this person wasn't invited and I need my friend not to bring him/her. And if they are in a relationship, I'd need my friend to know that so they're not too taken aback if the person they want to bring only gets politeness from me and not warm fuzzies.

hmmmm...thanks for the responses? As harsh as this sounds, I don't really care to know to meet their needs, but more so because this person, bridesmaid or not, has been given a deadline and I would like her to let me know who she is bringing because I want to know who she is bringing. We were going back and forth in the texting (not the best, I know) where she started off by saying she was probably bringing him and why (which I admit, I got a little snotty about, because I am asking for a reason) and then finished with "Just put guest and I'll see who I can bring". And we've had a little difficulty these past few weeks so I felt like she was just trying to butt heads with me and I was doing the same.

Jen4948 · April 2014

JMVA2014 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

lc07 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

@Jen4948 - I am not throwing temper tantrums at you. I just think that your "she has to know who it is so she knows whether or not he is a murderous lunatic" was beyond ridiculous.

And it should come to no shock that I am not a big fan of yours so for me to disagree with you shouldn't be a surprise.

I am not your biggest fan either, Maggie, but I find the tone of your "Because maybe her friend doesn't fucking know yet! Ever thought of that?" really obnoxious. It's not your business whether I've thought of anything.

And if I needed an RSVP 9 days, I don't think that even with my closest friends, I'm going to be okay with their not giving me the name of the person they want to bring, especially if they're "on and off" with their BFs. That doesn't mean that I don't give a shit about my friends; it just means that I'd like them to tell me who they plan to bring, so that for example, I can provide them with food they need if they have special dietary requirements, or other special needs that can't easily be met if I only hear about them on the day of. It's about planning to host them properly. In return, the least they can do is not keep me in the dark.

I think it's really nice that you want to host the friend's guest properly. It just sounds to me like she doesn't know if she will be with her boyfriend at the time of the wedding and if she isn't that she'd like to have the option to bring someone else. I would rather my friend be comfortable especially during what I presume is a difficult and give me a last minute name of a person than not have a guest at all.

There's no reason that she can't bring someone else-I'd just like to know who. It's not a matter of her not being comfortable-just a matter of knowing that this person's needs are met as well. Because if this person had an allergy or other need and we didn't know about it in advance, there's no way we can prepare for it.

And where I differ with you is that if my friend couldn't tell me until the day before the wedding who it was going to be, that would be fine with me.

Sure, I'd like to know sooner to be able to host them to the best of my abilities but if my friend can't tell me sooner because they don't know who they will be bringing sooner due to a sad circumstance like a potential breakup, I don't want her to have to say "no one, I'll come alone" by my cut-off date because they don't have a specific name to give me at that time.

You might not want that, but I wouldn't want my friend to bring someone who is allergic to most of my menu and only find out on the day that he can't eat anything.

There are other reasons why I'd need my friend to give me a name. I'd want to make sure that the person isn't someone I'd deliberately left off my guest list in the first place. If they aren't actually in a relationship, then I'd need my friend to understand that this person wasn't invited and I need my friend not to bring him/her. And if they are in a relationship, I'd need my friend to know that so they're not too taken aback if the person they want to bring only gets politeness from me and not warm fuzzies.

hmmmm...thanks for the responses? As harsh as this sounds, I don't really care to know to meet their needs, but more so because this person, bridesmaid or not, has been given a deadline and I would like her to let me know who she is bringing because I want to know who she is bringing. We were going back and forth in the texting (not the best, I know) where she started off by saying she was probably bringing him and why (which I admit, I got a little snotty about, because I am asking for a reason) and then finished with "Just put guest and I'll see who I can bring". And we've had a little difficulty these past few weeks so I felt like she was just trying to butt heads with me and I was doing the same.

I'm sorry you were going back and forth with her. Yeah, that would annoy me too. I don't like "and guest" for just that reason.

Jen4948 · April 2014

scribe95 said:

I had several single guests with plus ones who I didn't know their guest and couldn't have cared a whit.
I asked once, they didn't know yet but said they would bring someone. I turned my count in and put "and guest" on the escort card. And then I moved on. I had other more important things to focus on.

Everyone has the right to decide what is "important" and what to focus on. I prefer to focus on the needs of the guests of whose identities I have actually been told.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

I had several single guests with plus ones who I didn't know their guest and couldn't have cared a whit.
I asked once, they didn't know yet but said they would bring someone. I turned my count in and put "and guest" on the escort card. And then I moved on. I had other more important things to focus on.

Everyone has the right to decide what is "important" and what to focus on. I prefer to focus on the needs of the guests of whose identities I have actually been told.

No one is saying that you can't focus on that. You can only host those that you know as well as you can. If for some reason this person can't tell you who they are bringing until the night before well then there is really nothing you can do. All you can do is to host them to the best of your ability with the knowledge that you have at this moment. Nothing can be perfect. Not everyone will be happy. One person can only do so much. You cannot control other people, but if you know that you tried your best to host everyone well then that is all that matters in the end.

This is not life or death. This is a wedding. Everyone will survive and go on with their lives.

Jen4948 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

I had several single guests with plus ones who I didn't know their guest and couldn't have cared a whit.
I asked once, they didn't know yet but said they would bring someone. I turned my count in and put "and guest" on the escort card. And then I moved on. I had other more important things to focus on.

Everyone has the right to decide what is "important" and what to focus on. I prefer to focus on the needs of the guests of whose identities I have actually been told.

No one is saying that you can't focus on that. You can only host those that you know as well as you can. If for some reason this person can't tell you who they are bringing until the night before well then there is really nothing you can do.

Actually, yes, I can, because I don't give out the option to bring people of their choice. If they are in relationships, I invite them with their partner, but if not, they are invited single.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

I had several single guests with plus ones who I didn't know their guest and couldn't have cared a whit.
I asked once, they didn't know yet but said they would bring someone. I turned my count in and put "and guest" on the escort card. And then I moved on. I had other more important things to focus on.

Everyone has the right to decide what is "important" and what to focus on. I prefer to focus on the needs of the guests of whose identities I have actually been told.

No one is saying that you can't focus on that. You can only host those that you know as well as you can. If for some reason this person can't tell you who they are bringing until the night before well then there is really nothing you can do.
Actually, yes, I can, because I don't give out the option to bring people of their choice. If they are in relationships, I invite them with their partner, but if not, they are invited single.

But OP did. And my response was in regards to OPs situation.

But for your situation you wouldn't even be having the issue OP is having because you did not provide plus ones and you aren't allowing people to substitute.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I attended a wedding once where we had to provide our DL numbers (active military base) and then had to carry our photo IDs (DLs) with us to the wedding so we could be signed in/waived in/etc. No one not on the list -- not even an 'and guest' of a guest -- was allowed in, regardless.

We also had to be there 2.5 hours early for the wedding, to allow enough time for our IDs to be checked and our vehicles to be inspected and us to be escorted (in groups) from the entrance to the building where the wedding was being held.

It was kind of a cluster, and for all that, the wedding was pretty shitty.

Jen4948 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I attended a wedding once where we had to provide our DL numbers (active military base) and then had to carry our photo IDs (DLs) with us to the wedding so we could be signed in/waived in/etc. No one not on the list -- not even an 'and guest' of a guest -- was allowed in, regardless.

We also had to be there 2.5 hours early for the wedding, to allow enough time for our IDs to be checked and our vehicles to be inspected and us to be escorted (in groups) from the entrance to the building where the wedding was being held.

It was kind of a cluster, and for all that, the wedding was pretty shitty.

But I take it that the security issues were not what made the wedding shitty?

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