Black Tie Optional with a gap...wwyd?

QueerFemme · July 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

ibby2483 well I appreciate you acknowledging that the solution of skipping the gap is rude. It's odd the me that those who would be so offended by a gap, would then think that acting rude in turn would be an acceptable response. To each their own, I know plenty of people who have skipped ceremonies - I just would never do it (regardless of the gap) bc at the end of the day - isn't that what its all about?

yes, the ceremony IS what it's all about. And PROPERLY hosting your guests is what the reception is about. Making them wait around for hours to be hosted is rude. If it's the catholic church that is forcing the morning ceremony, then the host should choose a brunch or lunch reception. This isn't rocket science.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2013

QueerFemme said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

ibby2483 well I appreciate you acknowledging that the solution of skipping the gap is rude. It's odd the me that those who would be so offended by a gap, would then think that acting rude in turn would be an acceptable response. To each their own, I know plenty of people who have skipped ceremonies - I just would never do it (regardless of the gap) bc at the end of the day - isn't that what its all about?
yes, the ceremony IS what it's all about. And PROPERLY hosting your guests is what the reception is about. Making them wait around for hours to be hosted is rude. If it's the catholic church that is forcing the morning ceremony, then the host should choose a brunch or lunch reception. This isn't rocket science.

It might be rocket surgery though.

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

QueerFemme said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

ibby2483 well I appreciate you acknowledging that the solution of skipping the gap is rude. It's odd the me that those who would be so offended by a gap, would then think that acting rude in turn would be an acceptable response. To each their own, I know plenty of people who have skipped ceremonies - I just would never do it (regardless of the gap) bc at the end of the day - isn't that what its all about?
yes, the ceremony IS what it's all about. And PROPERLY hosting your guests is what the reception is about. Making them wait around for hours to be hosted is rude. If it's the catholic church that is forcing the morning ceremony, then the host should choose a brunch or lunch reception. This isn't rocket science.

Woops I meant to write "skipping the ceremony". Brain fart. Fair points on both accords. I still think skipping the ceremony and just attending the "party" is rude. Just skip altogether if it offends you so much. Don't skip the ceremony, but show up for free food and drinks. I know people do it, and I'm sure people will do it to me, and I won't die over it - I just find it rude.

QueerFemme · July 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

QueerFemme said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

ibby2483 well I appreciate you acknowledging that the solution of skipping the gap is rude. It's odd the me that those who would be so offended by a gap, would then think that acting rude in turn would be an acceptable response. To each their own, I know plenty of people who have skipped ceremonies - I just would never do it (regardless of the gap) bc at the end of the day - isn't that what its all about?
yes, the ceremony IS what it's all about. And PROPERLY hosting your guests is what the reception is about. Making them wait around for hours to be hosted is rude. If it's the catholic church that is forcing the morning ceremony, then the host should choose a brunch or lunch reception. This isn't rocket science.
Woops I meant to write "skipping the ceremony". Brain fart. Fair points on both accords. I still think skipping the ceremony and just attending the "party" is rude. Just skip altogether if it offends you so much. Don't skip the ceremony, but show up for free food and drinks. I know people do it, and I'm sure people will do it to me, and I won't die over it - I just find it rude.

Personally, I would skip both. But, if someone cares enough about a person and wants to celebrate with them anyway, I don't think it's rude to attend one or the other. And certainly, if you only attend the ceremony, you don't really have an opportunity to celebrate WITH them (i.e. the couple will be a little busy at the time).

Also, I don't think that the guest choosing to attend one or the other is rude, given that they only have to make the choice because the couple is being rude to begin with.

Emedian · April 2014

I agree...I wish we coud do a later ceremony but churches aren't that flexible.. We also figured with mine, the three hour gap would be nice for people to chill and change for an evening reception

saacjw · April 2014

Emedian said:

I agree...I wish we coud do a later ceremony but churches aren't that flexible.. We also figured with mine, the three hour gap would be nice for people to chill and change for an evening reception

Or a chance for the people who came from just far enough away that they can't drive home and back, but live close enough that they didn't get a hotel to wander aimlessly in a town they aren't familiar with in their high heels in a snow storm, which is my experience with a gap. OR you end up with half the guests wandering aimlessly and the other half kind of drunk before the cocktail hour because they got invited to a "sub party" during the gap. Seriously, I'm of the opinion that if you have to do an early wedding because of the church, then you do an early reception. Gaps aren't uncommon in my area or my circle, and I have hated every single one of them.

Rebl90 · April 2014

@Emedian - This thread is from July 2013, almost a year without activity. Start a new thread next time.

P.S. A 3 hour un-hosted gap is extremely rude to your guests. Receptions should begin directly following a ceremony or cocktail hour (not cocktail "three hours")

Simply Fated · April 2014

saacjw said:

Emedian said:

I agree...I wish we coud do a later ceremony but churches aren't that flexible.. We also figured with mine, the three hour gap would be nice for people to chill and change for an evening reception

Or a chance for the people who came from just far enough away that they can't drive home and back, but live close enough that they didn't get a hotel to wander aimlessly in a town they aren't familiar with in their high heels in a snow storm, which is my experience with a gap. OR you end up with half the guests wandering aimlessly and the other half kind of drunk before the cocktail hour because they got invited to a "sub party" during the gap. Seriously, I'm of the opinion that if you have to do an early wedding because of the church, then you do an early reception. Gaps aren't uncommon in my area or my circle, and I have hated every single one of them.

This is pretty much what happened to me, too. No snow, but coldness and high winds in a rundown part of the city. My pregnant friend's dress kept blowing up.
I will never ever ever get the whole "they can use the gap to get refreshed.." Where? The one person at a time bathroom at the shithole diner we ended up at? And why? The ceremony didn't really zap a lot of my energy. Three hours of making small talk in the crapheap diner exhausted me, though.

Emedian · April 2014

I disagree. In some cultures, weddings start in the morning and end the next day. It's a norm in some countries. People will make time if you are important to them. Again, if anything, it's considerate so that people can have enough time to change from church to a much more formal reception.

Viczaesar · April 2014

Emedian said:

I disagree. In some cultures, weddings start in the morning and end the next day. It's a norm in some countries. People will make time if you are important to them. Again, if anything, it's considerate so that people can have enough time to change from church to a much more formal reception.

Are you in the US? If so, your plan is unacceptable and rude. It's the opposite of "considerate."

MobKaz · April 2014

Emedian said:

I agree...I wish we coud do a later ceremony but churches aren't that flexible.. We also figured with mine, the three hour gap would be nice for people to chill and change for an evening reception

Your church might not be flexible, but venues are and YOU can choose whatever time necessary to begin your reception. There is nothing preventing you from being a polite host and starting your reception immediately following your ceremony. Well, nothing but your own deliberate rudeness.

There is NOTHING nice about a three hour gap. I do not need to change clothes. What I wear to a church ceremony is appropriate for an evening reception. Are you and your wedding party changing clothes?

When you post, look at the date under the avatar of the last poster. That tells you whether a thread is active or old. As has been pointed out, this thread is old.

photokitty · April 2014

Emedian said:
I disagree. In some cultures, weddings start in the morning and end the next day. It's a norm in some countries. People will make time if you are important to them. Again, if anything, it's considerate so that people can have enough time to change from church to a much more formal reception.

These all day our two day weddings you refer to do not have churches that are inflexible or gaps on between the to parts of the wedding. It sounds like you are planning a traditional US church wedding with a 3 hour gap before your 5 hour evening reception bc you want to have it your way. It is rude to your guests.

Everyone hates gaps, everyone except people trying to justify them and, as I've told my story before, kids that get to go to the zoo in their church clothes bc mom and dad have no other option to fill the gap.

Everyone hates gaps and they will complain behind their backs about yours.

GL!

saacjw · April 2014

Viczaesar said:

Emedian said:

I disagree. In some cultures, weddings start in the morning and end the next day. It's a norm in some countries. People will make time if you are important to them. Again, if anything, it's considerate so that people can have enough time to change from church to a much more formal reception.

Are you in the US? If so, your plan is unacceptable and rude. It's the opposite of "considerate."

See, I will make the time if I care about someone, and have. It doesn't mean that I won't complain about it or be annoyed. I have never, not once, needed to freshen up after a wedding ceremony, aside from a 2 second touch up of my lipstick and needing to pee. My circle is mostly Catholic or Episcopalian, we're looking at minimum 1 hour services, which is the upper end time wise for most church weddings (I've never been to a wedding that wasn't Catholic or Episcopalian that was longer than half an hour). I have needed to freshen up after a gap though, because again, stuck in an unfamiliar town in the cold.

Multi-day weddings in other cultures are another thing. I've been to one of those, overseas in fact. If that's the issue, that you are from a culture where multi day weddings are the standard, then we can discuss gaps that aren't rude.

sarahufl · April 2014

What are people doing at a wedding ceremony that is so tiring they need to rest in between that and the reception?

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

Emedian said:

I disagree. In some cultures, weddings start in the morning and end the next day. It's a norm in some countries. People will make time if you are important to them. Again, if anything, it's considerate so that people can have enough time to change from church to a much more formal reception.

Then maybe it's time to get married in one of those countries and take your rudeness with you.

oh and FTR, can you name two of those countries you speak about? And explain WHY gaps are okay there? Because while some countries do have different laws regarding the legalities of marriage, there is nothing that forces a couple to put hours between their ceremony and reception. Except their selfishness of course.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

Gaps are rude. People do not need to rest or freshen up in between. Hosts need to start giving a fuck about the guests they chose to invite.

Emedian · April 2014

My gosh. I didn't know that conversations in these boards are so harsh. I thought these boards are about finding resources not getting personally attacked about personal and cultural differences

If a 3 hour gap is rude, then so as a church that only marries on a Saturday at 3 pm. Meanwhile, noone is saying anything about the rudeness of venues that charges $100 for a vendor meal or $10,000 for a ceremony fee. Telling me to go have my wedding at another venue instead of a church is same as telling me that my dress is ugly on my wedding day. Just as rude.

I am spending $500 a person to have every guest experience our wedding. How is that rude? WE are inviting adults. If they want to complain and really is inconvenienced by a 3 hour gap while being in paradise..then don't come. Wow.

NYCBruin · April 2014

Emedian said:

My gosh. I didn't know that conversations in these boards are so harsh. I thought these boards are about finding resources not getting personally attacked about personal and cultural differences

If a 3 hour gap is rude, then so as a church that only marries on a Saturday at 3 pm. Meanwhile, noone is saying anything about the rudeness of venues that charges $100 for a vendor meal or $10,000 for a ceremony fee. Telling me to go have my wedding at another venue instead of a church is same as telling me that my dress is ugly on my wedding day. Just as rude.

I am spending $500 a person to have every guest experience our wedding. How is that rude? WE are inviting adults. If they want to complain and really is inconvenienced by a 3 hour gap while being in paradise..then don't come. Wow.

Oh good grief. You can't buy your way out of being rude.

Planning a wedding, much like marriage, requires compromises and trade offs. You can't get married at sunset on a beach and also in the middle of Manhattan (though I'd love to be able to do both). Same with church/evening reception. If you really want to get married in a church that only has 3 pm ceremonies, then you forgo a super late night reception. I guarantee you that every poster on here has had to make some sort of sacrifice or trade off while planning because sometimes two things you want aren't compatible.

It's rude to invite someone to witness your wedding ceremony and then make them wait for three hours. No matter how much money you throw at the party.

And talking about how much money you're spending is just...ick.

APDSS22 · April 2014

Emedian said:

My gosh. I didn't know that conversations in these boards are so harsh. I thought these boards are about finding resources not getting personally attacked about personal and cultural differences

If a 3 hour gap is rude, then so as a church that only marries on a Saturday at 3 pm. Meanwhile, noone is saying anything about the rudeness of venues that charges $100 for a vendor meal or $10,000 for a ceremony fee. Telling me to go have my wedding at another venue instead of a church is same as telling me that my dress is ugly on my wedding day. Just as rude.

I am spending $500 a person to have every guest experience our wedding. How is that rude? WE are inviting adults. If they want to complain and really is inconvenienced by a 3 hour gap while being in paradise..then don't come. Wow.

This statement doesn't make any sense. My church has an evening mass on Saturdays so the latest we could have our ceremony was 2pm. We just found a venue that let us have our reception whenever we wanted so we wouldn't have a gap. Churches aren't rude for functioning a certain way, the wedding couple are rude for choosing to get married in that church and then making their guests suffer because they also want an evening reception. Saying a bride looks fat in her dress is always distasteful and rude.

It's not rude that you want to spend money making your friends and family comfortable but that is negated by the rude behavior of making them wait around for you because you chose to have a gap. And now your invited guests get to make a choice (deal with the gap and attend even though their time isn't being respected or decline to witness your important life event because they don't want to wait around.) Church services usually aren't strenuous enough to need a rest and excusing the gap by saying your guests props need a costume change is ridiculous.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Emedian said:

My gosh. I didn't know that conversations in these boards are so harsh. I thought these boards are about finding resources not getting personally attacked about personal and cultural differences

If a 3 hour gap is rude, then so as a church that only marries on a Saturday at 3 pm. Meanwhile, noone is saying anything about the rudeness of venues that charges $100 for a vendor meal or $10,000 for a ceremony fee. Telling me to go have my wedding at another venue instead of a church is same as telling me that my dress is ugly on my wedding day. Just as rude.

I am spending $500 a person to have every guest experience our wedding. How is that rude? WE are inviting adults. If they want to complain and really is inconvenienced by a 3 hour gap while being in paradise..then don't come. Wow.

Oh JFC, you realize that your church probably has a 4pm or 5pm mass after your damn wedding, hence why they only offer 3pm or earlier for you to get married, right?

You also realize that if you get married at 3pm you can begin your reception immediately after, right? What is rude is that YOU CHOOSE to have a gap for whatever stupid freaking reason YOU CHOOSE to have the gap for.

For the record, I'm getting married in a church at 3pm on a Saturday and my reception will start right after minus travel time, and we have the venue booked until 11pm. BOOM! It's not that freaking hard, seriously.

wrigleyville · April 2014

3:00 ceremony

4:00 cocktail hour

5:00 dinner

This is not hard.

CrazyCatLady3 · April 2014

I hate the "time to change between the ceremony and reception" excuse as well. I don't want to have to plan and wear 2 outfits for your wedding. If there were no gap, everyone would just wear their cocktail clothes to church (with a cardigan or wrap as needed), no one would feel awkward, and no one would need to carry a second outfit and find a place to change.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

Gaps are really inconvenient for people who may have opted not to book a room for your wedding. FI and I were invited to a wedding a few years ago in a city about an hour and a half from us. We had another event we had to attend the next day, so we didn't book a room since we had to go home that night (none of the area hotels would let us park our trailer in their lots). The ceremony was at 1pm in a garden with a black-tie reception at 6pm. FI had no idea what we were going to do for 4 hours before the reception while wearing a tux and gown in a city we weren't super familiar with. Lucky for us, wedding plans changed and we didn't have to attend what surely would have been a huge PITA.

AddieCake · April 2014

I think you sound pretentious saying your guests are going to "experience our wedding."

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Emedian said:

My gosh. I didn't know that conversations in these boards are so harsh. I thought these boards are about finding resources not getting personally attacked about personal and cultural differences

If a 3 hour gap is rude, then so as a church that only marries on a Saturday at 3 pm. Meanwhile, noone is saying anything about the rudeness of venues that charges $100 for a vendor meal or $10,000 for a ceremony fee. Telling me to go have my wedding at another venue instead of a church is same as telling me that my dress is ugly on my wedding day. Just as rude.

I am spending $500 a person to have every guest experience our wedding. How is that rude? WE are inviting adults. If they want to complain and really is inconvenienced by a 3 hour gap while being in paradise..then don't come. Wow.

BTW, having a 3 hour gap =/= a black tie wedding.

Doesn't matter if you spend $500 per person or $5000.

grumbledore · April 2014

Emedian said:

My gosh. I didn't know that conversations in these boards are so harsh. I thought these boards are about finding resources not getting personally attacked about personal and cultural differences

If a 3 hour gap is rude, then so as a church that only marries on a Saturday at 3 pm. Meanwhile, noone is saying anything about the rudeness of venues that charges $100 for a vendor meal or $10,000 for a ceremony fee. Telling me to go have my wedding at another venue instead of a church is same as telling me that my dress is ugly on my wedding day. Just as rude.

I am spending $500 a person to have every guest experience our wedding. How is that rude? WE are inviting adults. If they want to complain and really is inconvenienced by a 3 hour gap while being in paradise..then don't come. Wow.

See, what you're missing here is that there's absolutely no reason that you can't start a reception at 4 or 5 (assuming this is a one hour church service, followed by a reception OR followed by a one hour cocktail hour). What rude couples do is have a 3 PM (or 11 AM, or whatever) ceremony and then insist on an evening reception that doesn't start until 6 or later.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the church. It has everything to do with the entitlement of the couple being married.

JoanE2012 · April 2014

Emedian said:

My gosh. I didn't know that conversations in these boards are so harsh. I thought these boards are about finding resources not getting personally attacked about personal and cultural differences

If a 3 hour gap is rude, then so as a church that only marries on a Saturday at 3 pm. Meanwhile, noone is saying anything about the rudeness of venues that charges $100 for a vendor meal or $10,000 for a ceremony fee. Telling me to go have my wedding at another venue instead of a church is same as telling me that my dress is ugly on my wedding day. Just as rude.

I am spending $500 a person to have every guest experience our wedding. How is that rude? WE are inviting adults. If they want to complain and really is inconvenienced by a 3 hour gap while being in paradise..then don't come. Wow.

Yeah, so? Just because you spend $500 a guest doesn't mean it's right to have a gap. As a guest, I'd rather have hamburgers and hotdogs and NO gap.

And that whole "experience our wedding" thing.... you're fooling yourself. Nobody cares as much about your wedding as you and your FI. All people remember are how they are treated. The "experience" of a gap is going to be remembered much more than any money you spend on the "per person" cost. Nobody is going to tell you that though.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

I like how she described her wedding as "being in paradise" LOL get over yourself hun.

Emedian · April 2014

In the u.s., people also have weddings in a barnyards...yet asking folks to dress formal. I just find interesting that these forums are supposed to be utilized as a resource but yet others just use it to be righteous and criticize. Offer solutions instead of negative criticisms. It's not helpful.

CMGragain · April 2014

@Emedian, I've been posting to you on your other thread.

As a Catholic bride, you must have your ceremony when the church allows it, but you are then supposed to plan a reception that follows that ceremony. You are not supposed to plan an evening reception and then try to hook it up with your ceremony. Remember, the ceremony is the most important part of your wedding day, not the fancy reception.
On your other thread, you said that you haven't a lot of experience planning big events like this wedding. Is it too late to host a nice cake and punch reception immediately after your ceremony? You could then have your evening party later, as long as all the ceremony guests are invited to both parts of the reception.
Black tie (tuxedos and evening dresses) are not for daytime weddings. They can be worn at the evening party/reception, but your guests will need to change clothes in between the church and the evening party.
The amount of money spent on a wedding has absolutely nothing to do with etiquette. The tackiest wedding I ever saw was also the most expensive. You don't need much money to have a proper wedding.

Black Tie Optional with a gap...wwyd?

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