change in plans

a13049 · April 2014

radiatein said:

It's rude to delete your post. People take the time to write a thoughtful response to you and by deleting it's like you're dismissing our advice.

----I don't know what i am doing on here. It is my first time.

when I read the last line, I imagine will ferrel "I don't know what to do with my hands' Sorry, totally unrelated

radiatein · April 2014

jules3964 said:

So, I assume the problem is that your FI still wants to invite his family, or can't/won't tell them they are no longer invited because of their hurtful comments.

There's no way I would want them at my wedding if they're acting this way, even if that wedding was a PPD. And there's no way my FI would want his family there either if they were acting this way. In my opinion your FI is not sticking up for you or your relationship. What will things be like in the future (holidays with his family, etc.)?

Why does your FI still want them to attend the wedding?

If we uninvite his parents then his siblings will not be allowed to join us and they are part of the wedding party. If his siblings aren't able to come it would be devastating to both of us.

My FI can't make his parents act like decent human beings no matter how hard he tries.

I wouldn't be with him if he let them walk all over us, but I am not going to leave him because of their mental illness. He truly is doing the best he can so lets stop assuming he is the problem.

We have managed to clear the air with them, they don't think they did anything wrong and we aren't going to change their minds anytime soon.

They have been quite as of the last couple months with a few mild exceptions that we as a couple have been able to deal with quickly and permanently. The problem is that even tho they have calmed down there was damage done and we can't seem to get that wedding day bliss back.

I really do appreciate the help, it has given me new perspectives.

jules3964 · April 2014

radiatein said:

jules3964 said:

So, I assume the problem is that your FI still wants to invite his family, or can't/won't tell them they are no longer invited because of their hurtful comments.

There's no way I would want them at my wedding if they're acting this way, even if that wedding was a PPD. And there's no way my FI would want his family there either if they were acting this way. In my opinion your FI is not sticking up for you or your relationship. What will things be like in the future (holidays with his family, etc.)?

Why does your FI still want them to attend the wedding?

If we uninvite his parents then his siblings will not be allowed to join us and they are part of the wedding party. If his siblings aren't able to come it would be devastating to both of us.

My FI can't make his parents act like decent human beings no matter how hard he tries.

I wouldn't be with him if he let them walk all over us, but I am not going to leave him because of their mental illness. He truly is doing the best he can so lets stop assuming he is the problem.

We have managed to clear the air with them, they don't think they did anything wrong and we aren't going to change their minds anytime soon.

They have been quite as of the last couple months with a few mild exceptions that we as a couple have been able to deal with quickly and permanently. The problem is that even tho they have calmed down there was damage done and we can't seem to get that wedding day bliss back.

I really do appreciate the help, it has given me new perspectives.

Sorry, I wasn't suggesting you leave your FI -- just that it sounded like he should stick up for you more. But it does sound like he's trying.

It does make things complicated with the siblings. I suppose if it were me, at this point I would try to have as little communication as possible with the parents, even on the wedding day. Just try to push out all of those negative thoughts from your mind. At the wedding, be polite to them, but you don't have to give them much of your attention. Focus on those who love you and support you. Hopefully they will fade into the background of what will be a wonderful day.

radiatein · April 2014

I don't think you were saying to leave him

I like your advice, and it is what I would say to someone else. it feels impossible and I am afraid that I am / he isn't going to be able to push it aside.

Wish us luck that we can.

radiatein · April 2014

The funny part of this whole thing is that the only people who would be pissed that we eloped without them are the very people that are trying to tear us apart. Everyone else has been encouraging us to just so we have our 10 minutes in peace.

OliveOilsMom · April 2014

Can you and FI run off this weekend and get married? On Monday, send out simple wedding announcements to the people currently invited to your wedding. Then change the event you already have planned to be a "Celebration of your Marriage". Keep his parents invited, just don't have all the extra trappings of a wedding, like a fake ceremony, first dance, bouquet toss, etc. Just make it a kick ass party. So your announcement would read: Bride & Groom Are please to announce their marriage on Date in Location Please join us for a Celebration of our Marriage Date Time Location I mean if EVERYONE, except for FILs are advising you to elope, it's for a reason! Then once FI's siblings become old enough (I'm assuming they are minors the way you spoke about them earlier), FI can stop all contact with his parents and just have a realtionship with his siblings. His parents sound very toxic and no one that I would want to keep around. ETA: I had paragraphs - darn TK!

radiatein · April 2014

Is there a rule you have to have your cake and first dance on the exact day you married? FI feels so bad about how they have been that he planned to take us away this weekend and elope. But the whole Big Bash was his wedding dream. I would feel like a selfish ass to let him give up his dream cuz his rents are jerks.

CMGragain · April 2014

CMGragain said:

You may certainly elope if you wish. You should send out wedding announcements after the ceremony to all people invited to the wedding.

Brides Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date of ceremony
City, State

You should NOT have a PPD! You can have a party to celebrate your marriage. No wedding dress, no wedding party, no "first dance", no cake cutting ceremony, no bouquet tossing. Everything else - food, drink, venue, speeches, toasts, dancing - can remain the same. Send out notes to your invited guests that the previously announced wedding on (date) will be a party to celebrate your marriage, instead.
If you expect to avoid drama, you won't. If anything, this will mean more drama within the family. It is completely up to the two of you. It is your decision.
Lots of ladies have difficult weddings due to family issues. Mine was hell. It didn't matter, because my expectations were low to begin with. I knew that our mothers hated each other, and that my FMIL was a fruitcake. End result - we moved 1100 miles away from them, and we have been happily married for 37 years Good luck to you. It is your wedding. Do what you want, but do not follow your real wedding with a phoney PPD!.

You can still have a special dance at a later time - just not your "first dance". You will be a married couple by then, not a bride and groom. Honestly, the cake cutting is not that big a deal. I would avoid having a cake topper with a bride and groom figure on it. I think those are out of style now, anyway. As I posted earlier, you can still have the big celebration party. Just make it clear in advance to your guests that this is not your wedding, that you are already married and are now celebrating your marriage as a newly married couple!
I almost eloped, myself. I decided I wasn't going to let my FMIL win.

Jen4948 · April 2014

radiatein said:

It's rude to delete your post. People take the time to write a thoughtful response to you and by deleting it's like you're dismissing our advice.
----I don't know what i am doing on here. It is my first time.

We always advise new people here to lurk before posting.

phira · April 2014

Honestly, if the only people who would be upset that you eloped ALSO happen to the the only people who are upset that you're even getting married, why are you catering to them? You can't win with them no matter what you do, so just stop trying so hard.

OliveOilsMom · April 2014

radiatein said:

Is there a rule you have to have your cake and first dance on the exact day you married? FI feels so bad about how they have been that he planned to take us away this weekend and elope. But the whole Big Bash was his wedding dream. I would feel like a selfish ass to let him give up his dream cuz his rents are jerks.

You should have cake, because it's delicious. You two can cut it together, but I wouldn't do the whole feeding each other thing. And you can have a spotlight dance together to help open up the dance floor, but I would invite all other guests to join in after around 30 seconds to 1 minute.

If your FI is ok with eloping, you aren't being a selfish ass. It's your decision together to go run off and get married this weekend.

ETA: typo

SP29 · April 2014

If you are planning to have the current reception you have in place now with the in laws present I don't see how eloping earlier will solve the issues?

I would stop telling the ILs details. They know the date, they can show up or not.

It is not against etiquette to cut cake. However, this is the role of the host/hostess and the guests are served cake before the host/hostess. I think it would be fine for you and FI to cut the cake, but I would not feed each other (which is symbolic of your first meal).

Are these siblings who wouldn't be able to come if you didn't invite FI's parents adults or minors? Because if they are adults... that's crazy.

Sorry to hear your in-laws are crazy. I hope you can both come to a solution that you will be happy with.

radiatein · April 2014

phira said:

Honestly, if the only people who would be upset that you eloped ALSO happen to the the only people who are upset that you're even getting married, why are you catering to them? You can't win with them no matter what you do, so just stop trying so hard.

I came to this understanding while I was getting my nails done. My FI says we need this for us, and at this point if they care about our union they would have shut their mouths. I am starting to feel way better about all of this.

thesummersky · April 2014

It sounds like, at this point, your FI needs to disinvite his parents. Not only would he be sticking up for you, but he would be sticking to his word with them, and with you about establishing boundaries.

A PPD won't solve the problem. Eloping won't solve the problem. People will act how they're gonna act. You can limit your time around them, though - and this seems like the way to do it.

Besides, you already have this day planned out and paid for. Enjoy what is meant to be a happy day with your loved ones.

kmmssg · April 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

radiatein said:

Is there a rule you have to have your cake and first dance on the exact day you married? FI feels so bad about how they have been that he planned to take us away this weekend and elope. But the whole Big Bash was his wedding dream. I would feel like a selfish ass to let him give up his dream cuz his rents are jerks.
You should have cake, because it's delicious. You two can cut it together, but I wouldn't do the whole feeding each other thing. And you can have a spotlight dance together to help open up the dance floor, but I would invite all other guests to join in after around 30 seconds to 1 minute.

If your FI is ok with eloping, you aren't being a selfish ass. It's your decision together to go run off and get married this weekend.

ETA: typo

I am all over @Oliveoilsmom advice. Cut the cake (personally I think it is pretty harmless to feed it to each other), have your first dance to open the dance floor and have your guests join you as she suggested. Have a killer party and put this mess to bed.

Good luck!

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