Husband shopping for dresses with me?

HeatherMD02 · April 2014

So, ladies (and gentlemen?), I am getting married! I'm very excited, but it is a military wedding and at first, we will not be doing a big party. My fiancee and I are going to be getting married by a Justice of the Peace and then later, we'll be having a huge celebration. I'm also not the kind of person who really has a lot of people around me at any given times, so I don't have too many friends or family who could really (or would really, to be perfectly honest) be there to do the whole experience with me. On the other hand, my fiancee and I have done almost everything together even before we started dating. We were talking and have started to think about him being there shopping for a dress with me. Mind you, we'll already be married at this point, shopping for a dress for me to wear to our somewhat delayed reception. Is this normal?

doeydo · April 2014

HeatherMD02 said:

So, ladies (and gentlemen?), I am getting married! I'm very excited, but it is a military wedding and at first, we will not be doing a big party. My fiancee and I are going to be getting married by a Justice of the Peace and then later, we'll be having a huge celebration. I'm also not the kind of person who really has a lot of people around me at any given times, so I don't have too many friends or family who could really (or would really, to be perfectly honest) be there to do the whole experience with me. On the other hand, my fiancee and I have done almost everything together even before we started dating. We were talking and have started to think about him being there shopping for a dress with me. Mind you, we'll already be married at this point, shopping for a dress for me to wear to our somewhat delayed reception. Is this normal?

A party to celebrate your marriage is perfectly fine. However, it should not be a poofy, white wedding dress as you will not be a bride on that day. Anyways, I think it is perfectly fine if you want to bring your DH dress shopping for your party.

QueerFemme · April 2014

You don't wear a wedding gown to your later celebration. You just wear whatever you would typically wear to a party. A wedding gown is for a wedding. So, sure, he can go shopping with you if he wants to. He could even go shopping with you if you we shopping for your actual wedding dress. Who you take shopping with you is really personal preference and whether you are worried about him seeing you in advance of the wedding.

HeatherMD02 · April 2014

I should have clarified. We're not having "just a party" or reception. My bad! We're just doing all the legal stuff right now, but we're actually having a religious ceremony and reception (the whole shebang) again later on, because it's so important to both our families. We both come from the kind of families with the outlook of "Make it as legal as you want, but you're not married until you go to the church".

Sorry for the confusion. Lol

QueerFemme · April 2014

HeatherMD02 said:

I should have clarified. We're not having "just a party" or reception. My bad! We're just doing all the legal stuff right now, but we're actually having a religious ceremony and reception (the whole shebang) again later on, because it's so important to both our families. We both come from the kind of families with the outlook of "Make it as legal as you want, but you're not married until you go to the church".

Sorry for the confusion. Lol

You might want to read the sticky on the etiquette board. What you are planning is considered a "Pretty Princess Day", (PPD) and is really against etiquette.

You get one wedding. Not two (unless you get divorced in between).

doeydo · April 2014

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1

HeatherMD02 · April 2014

I appreciate the input, but the subject matter isn't really about whether or not we should have "more than one wedding". I'm not going to really dog anyone over whether or not they agree with how we're doing things because that's honestly not really up for debate under any circumstances, and everyone is entitled to their opinion on how they should do things.

It's also against etiquette for the father of the bride to not flip the bill for most things either, but the place to actually debate that is the etiquette board, is it not? Really, though, and this isn't sarcasm or anything because I know reading words over the internet can make people sound that way, I do appreciate the input.

doeydo · April 2014

HeatherMD02 said:

I appreciate the input, but the subject matter isn't really about whether or not we should have "more than one wedding". I'm not going to really dog anyone over whether or not they agree with how we're doing things because that's honestly not really up for debate under any circumstances, and everyone is entitled to their opinion on how they should do things.

It's also against etiquette for the father of the bride to not flip the bill for most things either, but the place to actually debate that is the etiquette board, is it not? Really, though, and this isn't sarcasm or anything because I know reading words over the internet can make people sound that way, I do appreciate the input.

QFP

doeydo · April 2014

You cannot have two weddings to the same person (except for if you divorce the person in between the weddings); it is not my opinion, just a simple fact. A wedding day is the day in which two people become married.

It is not against etiquette for the FOB to not pay for the wedding. That was tradition, not etiquette.

QueerFemme · April 2014

It's not against etiquette for the father of the bride not to pay for anything. You are very confused.

It may not be up for debate, but you came to a forum to ask a question about something, and what you are planning (having a pretty princess dress up day, after you are already married), is against all sorts of etiquette. So, no one is going to tell you "Sure, take your husband with you wedding dress shopping", when you are already married.

HeatherMD02 · April 2014

I don't really know what QFT means. I have a feeling it's probably not something polite, but thanks anyway? Like I said, it's not really up for debate. I've read all the etiquette books. Promise, but it's really no one else's business how we go about our wedding and the celebrations that follow it. I'm not really asking for opinions on that, since we'll all do what's best for us, our families, and the way we were brought up. Really, though, we're not in the etiquette board here. I'm not arguing with you over something unrelated to my question, nor do I plan on it.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Will your friends and family know you are already married?

ShesSoCold · April 2014

My fiance helps me shop for party dresses sometimes so that's not weird.

But I can tell you that he did not give me his opinions when I was playing bride.

...Because I was 6.

AddieCake · April 2014

Shop for party dresses with whomever you want. It is, after all, just a party dress if you're already married.

MuppetOverlord · April 2014

No, this is not normal.

Wedding gowns are for wedding days. Looking for one after you are married is not normal.

If wedding days are important to your family, invite them to that day. Skip the charade.

doeydo · April 2014

HeatherMD02 said:

I don't really know what QFT means. I have a feeling it's probably not something polite, but thanks anyway? Like I said, it's not really up for debate. I've read all the etiquette books. Promise, but it's really no one else's business how we go about our wedding and the celebrations that follow it. I'm not really asking for opinions on that, since we'll all do what's best for us, our families, and the way we were brought up. Really, though, we're not in the etiquette board here. I'm not arguing with you over something unrelated to my question, nor do I plan on it.

QFP means "quoted for posterity" because often people come onto The Knot forums, don't like what they hear, and then DD (dirt delete) their posts and run off.

vanessanini · April 2014

It is fine to shop for party dress with your FI. Invite your family members and friends to participate,they will bless you sincerely.

QueerFemme · April 2014

HeatherMD02 said:
I don't really know what QFT means. I have a feeling it's probably not something polite, but thanks anyway? Like I said, it's not really up for debate. I've read all the etiquette books. Promise, but it's really no one else's business how we go about our wedding and the celebrations that follow it. I'm not really asking for opinions on that, since we'll all do what's best for us, our families, and the way we were brought up. Really, though, we're not in the etiquette board here. I'm not arguing with you over something unrelated to my question, nor do I plan on it.

Just because you didn't post this question on the etiquette board doesn't mean people are going to ignore the fact that your plans are rude and tacky.

Kinda like if someone says "hey. Do you think I should use a gun or knife to kill that guy?"

the answer should be. "Don't kill that guy".

We aren't going to tell you take or not take your husband dress shopping with you and ignore the fact that you don't need, and shouldn't be buying, a wedding gown when you are already married.

STARMOON44 · April 2014

So if it's that important to you to be religiously married, why are you getting legalfakemarried first ? Because if it's really that important to you to be religiously married, I'm sure you wouldn't be comfortable calling yourself married or accepting benefits given to married couples before your "real " day.

If you actually cared about the religion instead of the pretty pretty princess day, you would just be calling the church, getting the next available date, inviting whoever can make it, getting married and serving everyone cake and punch in the church hall. You'd wear a nice off the rack dress, order a bouquet, and ask a couple friends to be your witnesses. That's how you do it.

singinchick13 · April 2014

The general consensus of knotties here is that PPD's under any circumstances are not ok. It doesn't matter which board you post on, this is the advice you will be given by those who are experienced. In answer to your question, it is never ok for your husband to help you shop for a wedding dress because that means you are already married.

There is also no need to have your JOP wedding when you could just plan on getting married in the church and having your family and friends be present. If that is so important then skip the JOP and have a big wedding. If you go through with the legal ceremony, that is your wedding. You can't take it back, you will already be married.

tortoisebride · April 2014

To answer your question directly, it's up to you if your man comes with you to dress shop or not, regardless of your legal or religious marriage status. Some brides shop with their partners because that's what works for them. If it works for you, go for it.

Viczaesar · April 2014

HeatherMD02 said:

I appreciate the input, but the subject matter isn't really about whether or not we should have "more than one wedding". I'm not going to really dog anyone over whether or not they agree with how we're doing things because that's honestly not really up for debate under any circumstances, and everyone is entitled to their opinion on how they should do things.

It's also against etiquette for the father of the bride to not flip the bill for most things either, but the place to actually debate that is the etiquette board, is it not? Really, though, and this isn't sarcasm or anything because I know reading words over the internet can make people sound that way, I do appreciate the input.

Actually no, it's not. That is a matter of tradition, not etiquette. They are two very different things.

MrsMarende · April 2014

It is ok to have your fiance shop with you for your dress, but it is really up to you if you want him to. Me personally I want him to be surprised when he sees me for the first time in my dress.

Also if you prefer you can even go alone. I have been thinking about it and that is likely what I will do. Go by myself and then bring my mom and sister to my fitting. Sometimes it is nice not to have so many opinions.

Istoleahalo · May 2014

Being a former military wife, and coming from a military family...it's actually pretty common to have a JP marriage and then a more traditional wedding later with family. It happens all the time in the military for various reasons. I know several people who have done this for one reason or another and no one batted an eye at it.

Anyway, I think it's perfectly fine for him to go dress shopping with you if that is what you want. From experience though, be prepared to get some looks - anywhere from confused/perplexed glances to downright rude stares from both salespeople and other customers. Good luck and congrats

doeydo · May 2014

Istoleahalo said:

Being a former military wife, and coming from a military family...it's actually pretty common to have a JP marriage and then a more traditional wedding later with family. It happens all the time in the military for various reasons. I know several people who have done this for one reason or another and no one batted an eye at it.

Anyway, I think it's perfectly fine for him to go dress shopping with you if that is what you want. From experience though, be prepared to get some looks - anywhere from confused/perplexed glances to downright rude stares from both salespeople and other customers. Good luck and congrats

Just because something is commonly done, does not make it right. Cash-bars and Buck & Does are common in my area, and I can't stand them. You do not know that no one batted an eye at it. All you know is that you didn't hear anyone say anything about it.

QueerFemme · May 2014

Istoleahalo said:

Being a former military wife, and coming from a military family...it's actually pretty common to have a JP marriage and then a more traditional wedding later with family. It happens all the time in the military for various reasons. I know several people who have done this for one reason or another and no one batted an eye at it.

Anyway, I think it's perfectly fine for him to go dress shopping with you if that is what you want. From experience though, be prepared to get some looks - anywhere from confused/perplexed glances to downright rude stares from both salespeople and other customers. Good luck and congrats

@PDKH Maybe you should reply to this one....

Just because military people do it, doesn't make it right. It's actually pretty shitty to collect government benefits when you don't consider it your "real" wedding. People wait to get married all the time without collecting government benefits. If you want to get married earlier, then get married. But having a re-do is tacky.

manateehugger · May 2014

Sigh. Also marrying into the military. Yes, I'm aware many military couples go this route. I also know many couples who manage to plan around deployments and PCS's. I also know couples who shell out the money to move themselves just like everyone else does. I also know a couple who did a JOP wedding before a deployment and hosted one hell of a party when he got home. Being military does not give anyone an excuse to disregard etiquette. Military men and women are volunteers who sign up with the understanding that the military will own their lives. Military spouses agree to get married also knowing this. In fact, I would argue military couples who go this route commit a form of fraud - gathering up enormous benefits at tax payer expense while claiming to "not really be married." The military offers families these benefits as a thank you for their sacrifices. Doing a "paper marriage" for these benefits is shameful.

Lowell14 · May 2014

@PDKH, thank you for mentioning that people commit fraud by going to JOP to gain benefits then have a 'real' wedding...I had to go through 11 months of immigration hell proving my relationship was REAL due so many applications having 'marriages of convince' ie gain benefits, gain immigration status etc...I am happy to say that I gained my immigration status on my own merit and will wed this October... ETA its after midnight and I can't spell after 11pm

JoanE2012 · May 2014

HeatherMD02 said:

I should have clarified. We're not having "just a party" or reception. My bad! We're just doing all the legal stuff right now, but we're actually having a religious ceremony and reception (the whole shebang) again later on, because it's so important to both our families. We both come from the kind of families with the outlook of "Make it as legal as you want, but you're not married until you go to the church".

Sorry for the confusion. Lol

Grow up and accept the consequences of your decisions. If it's really that important to your families, then do "the whole shebang" later.

Why don't you post this on the Military Brides forum. Let's see how much they support this idea.....

Ndelible · May 2014

Take your husband with you if you want. Forget about all of the other nonsense. Think about Germany where you must do the civil part first and then the church. Makes more sense anyway.

Congratulations and good luck!

JennyColada · May 2014

Ndelible said:

Take your husband with you if you want. Forget about all of the other nonsense. Think about Germany where you must do the civil part first and then the church. Makes more sense anyway.

Congratulations and good luck!

I must have missed the part where the OP is getting married in Germany.

Husband shopping for dresses with me?

Re: Husband shopping for dresses with me?

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