Mother's dress

ccvasquez · April 2014

Is the bride supposed to pick the color that the mother, stepmother, and MIL will wear?

I gave them all the same color guideline, but now one of them is having issues with the color.

Was I wrong to give them a color? My reason is that I did not want them to wear our wedding colors or the same color as the bridesmaids dresses.

Please help. Let me know if I made a mistake. If so, what do you suggest to remedy the situation.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

Yes, you were in the wrong. You don't get to dictate what color they wear, and it really doesn't matter. It's simple to fix this, though. Just tell them they can wear whatever color they want and feel beautiful wearing. All better!

Some people do have a strong objection to mothers or guests wearing white (I and my family do), but you still don't get to mention that. The mothers will probably already be aware of the problems of wearing that particular color.

phira · April 2014

ccvasquez said:

Is the bride supposed to pick the color that the mother, stepmother, and MIL will wear?

I gave them all the same color guideline, but now one of them is having issues with the color.

Was I wrong to give them a color? My reason is that I did not want them to wear our wedding colors or the same color as the bridesmaids dresses.

Please help. Let me know if I made a mistake. If so, what do you suggest to remedy the situation.

The only people whose attire you can dictate are bridesmaids'/groomsmen's attire, and wedding party children's attire (e.g. flowergirl). It's not okay to tell parents or other guests what they can wear, including what color.

There's absolutely no reason that other guests can't wear wedding colors. I'm not sure why you're concerned about this.

As for how to handle the situation, give parents a call and say, "I'm really sorry about this situation. Please feel free to wear whatever colors you're comfortable in!"

banana468 · April 2014

Just say, "I'm so sorry I gave out colors. Please wear what makes you happy."

You'll find that most moms have no intention of "stealing any thunder" but they also want to be in attire that they find to be flattering on them. That may mean that they don't like your chosen color but they certainly want to show you that they love you. If you obsess about the small details like a color you'll lose sight of the big picture.

JaxInBlue · April 2014

Agree with PPs. I thought I was supposed to give the parents guidance on their attire too, but TK helped me realized that wasn't the case. Apologize, let them know you were wrong and know realize it and that they should wear any color they'd like. Don't worry about matching for photographs - a good photographer will be able to stage everyone well and there's always black and white!

FWIW, both of our moms asked us if there was a particular color we wanted them to wear. We weren't specific but suggested several complimentary colors to our wedding party. They chose different colors to suit their personal tastes. They looked beautiful and it carried over on our wedding day. But we waited until they asked to provide any ideas.

ccvasquez · April 2014

Thanks for the advice.

hanjoy · April 2014

My FMIL asked me what color she should wear. I said I didn't care! She then asked me to just pick so I gave her a list of about 5 colors I thought would look good for family pictures. (Again, I really don't care what she picks). Should I have continued to insist on her picking a color herself?

ShadeofGreen816 · April 2014

I have had similar problems. My FMIL, my own grandmother, FI's grandma and some great aunts have ALL asked me multiple times what they are "supposed" to wear. I have said every time that they should wear whatever is comfortable...

We are getting married on the beach so I have made sure no one will inadvertently wear heels (unless they are just dying to be uncomfortable, but that's up to them). But should I be giving them more direction?

[Deleted User] · April 2014

My mom and I (I was officiating) bought dresses to wear to my sister's wedding only to realize we picked basically the same color; a turquoise/aqua/mint color. We took a picture to send to my sister to ask if one of us should get a different color, mom's was also available in yellow, mine was also available in pink. Sister didn't care at all either way. And since the dresses were different enough in style that mom and I decided we didn't mind if they were near the same color. Mom of groom heard about our dresses and ended up in a turquoise top with a creamy skirt. We looked like we planned and arranged our outfits together when basically it was an accident. But we would have looked just as fab in all the pics if I had gone with pink, my mom with yellow, and mom of groom with her cute turquoise top.

climbingsingle · April 2014

You shouldn't be dictating to them what color to wear. My mom and FMIL asked me and I told them to wear whatever color they loved the most.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

hanjoy said:
My FMIL asked me what color she should wear. I said I didn't care! She then asked me to just pick so I gave her a list of about 5 colors I thought would look good for family pictures. (Again, I really don't care what she picks). Should I have continued to insist on her picking a color herself?

No; she ASKED for your input, which is the huge difference. Anytime someone asks, you're more than welcome to answer, as long as you don't get super-picky.

SarahRN87 said:
I have had similar problems. My FMIL, my own grandmother, FI's grandma and some great aunts have ALL asked me multiple times what they are "supposed" to wear. I have said every time that they should wear whatever is comfortable...

We are getting married on the beach so I have made sure no one will inadvertently wear heels (unless they are just dying to be uncomfortable, but that's up to them). But should I be giving them more direction?

No; I imagine what they're really asking is 'what is the level of formality?' If you answer that for them, you'll be giving them the direction they need.

ei34 · April 2014

The bride doesn't have any say in the color the MOB, MOG, stepmothers, etc wear. My advice would ditto @banana468 :apologize for initially dictating a color and request that they wear whatever shade they please.

RebeccaFlower · April 2014

My mom wore the same color as my bridesmaids and she looked freaking hot and we're still married, so all in all, a total win.

SP29 · April 2014

Let them wear whatever colour they please.

"Funny" you don't want them in the wedding colours, as most people want the family to be all matchy-matchy (which is not necessary, and often overdone).

Our colours were navy, plum and lavender. My mother and FMIL both wore different shades of purple, and looked great. DH's sister wore a royal blue dress. No worries.

If someone asks what they should wear you can say something along the lines of, "You can wear whatever you feel most comfortable in, but if it helps, the bridesmaids are wearing purple cocktail length dresses". Often people are more concerned about the formality of the clothing they should be wearing. People should also know your colours based on your invitation.

Angusaur · April 2014

Hmm, just to piggyback off this thread...

Mom asked me what she's supposed to wear. I told her she can wear pants and a dressy top, dress, skirt and top, whatever she's comfortable with. Then I gave her the WP colors, and she asked why that mattered, was she supposed to match. I said of course not, but she can keep it in mind when picking out what she wants to wear so it kind of blends well with my colors.

Was this wrong? I just figured since she and FMIL will be in pictures also, they might want to pick colors that will flatter the rest of the WP and not stick out so much.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

Angusaur said:

Hmm, just to piggyback off this thread...

Mom asked me what she's supposed to wear. I told her she can wear pants and a dressy top, dress, skirt and top, whatever she's comfortable with. Then I gave her the WP colors, and she asked why that mattered, was she supposed to match. I said of course not, but she can keep it in mind when picking out what she wants to wear so it kind of blends well with my colors.

Was this wrong? I just figured since she and FMIL will be in pictures also, they might want to pick colors that will flatter the rest of the WP and not stick out so much.

I wouldn't have done it. Honestly how many photos of my mom plus wedding party am I going to have? And I trust my mom to find an appropriate dress without telling her any colors, but that wasn't a huge deal in my opinion. I think you might have stressed her out a little more.

Angusaur · April 2014

blueeyes90 said:

Angusaur said:

Hmm, just to piggyback off this thread...

Mom asked me what she's supposed to wear. I told her she can wear pants and a dressy top, dress, skirt and top, whatever she's comfortable with. Then I gave her the WP colors, and she asked why that mattered, was she supposed to match. I said of course not, but she can keep it in mind when picking out what she wants to wear so it kind of blends well with my colors.

Was this wrong? I just figured since she and FMIL will be in pictures also, they might want to pick colors that will flatter the rest of the WP and not stick out so much.

I wouldn't have done it. Honestly how many photos of my mom plus wedding party am I going to have? And I trust my mom to find an appropriate dress without telling her any colors, but that wasn't a huge deal in my opinion. I think you might have stressed her out a little more.

True. My mom lives in t-shirts and shorts anyways, so she told me I "have" to pick it out. What I think I'll do is plan a random shopping trip and see what she picks up herself and I'll just encourage her with "Oh that's nice", "that's pretty" so I'm giving her my approval without actually PICKING it. I'd rather her pick it, in hopes she will get more use out of it down the road.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

Angusaur said:

blueeyes90 said:

Angusaur said:

Hmm, just to piggyback off this thread...

Mom asked me what she's supposed to wear. I told her she can wear pants and a dressy top, dress, skirt and top, whatever she's comfortable with. Then I gave her the WP colors, and she asked why that mattered, was she supposed to match. I said of course not, but she can keep it in mind when picking out what she wants to wear so it kind of blends well with my colors.

Was this wrong? I just figured since she and FMIL will be in pictures also, they might want to pick colors that will flatter the rest of the WP and not stick out so much.

I wouldn't have done it. Honestly how many photos of my mom plus wedding party am I going to have? And I trust my mom to find an appropriate dress without telling her any colors, but that wasn't a huge deal in my opinion. I think you might have stressed her out a little more.

True. My mom lives in t-shirts and shorts anyways, so she told me I "have" to pick it out. What I think I'll do is plan a random shopping trip and see what she picks up herself and I'll just encourage her with "Oh that's nice", "that's pretty" so I'm giving her my approval without actually PICKING it. I'd rather her pick it, in hopes she will get more use out of it down the road.

- - - - EDITED BC WTF BOX - - - -

I don't think there was anything wrong with what you told her. Both my mom and FMIL have asked repeatedly for me to "tell them what they're supposed to wear." Nobody seems to like "wear whatever you want," they're too worried they'll screw it up even though in my eyes there's nothing TO screw up. They WILL be in lots of pics with our WP as family pictures though, since we each have several siblings in our WP, and I know either of them would feel silly in a bright red dress when everyone else is in softer shades. So I'm making suggestions like "navy would look really nice, maybe gold or pewter. What about plum?" rather than "you must wear seafoam."

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Angusaur said:

Hmm, just to piggyback off this thread...

Mom asked me what she's supposed to wear. I told her she can wear pants and a dressy top, dress, skirt and top, whatever she's comfortable with. Then I gave her the WP colors, and she asked why that mattered, was she supposed to match. I said of course not, but she can keep it in mind when picking out what she wants to wear so it kind of blends well with my colors.

Was this wrong? I just figured since she and FMIL will be in pictures also, they might want to pick colors that will flatter the rest of the WP and not stick out so much.

I don't think it was wrong, but I also don't think it matters. I have exactly zero photos of my mother and the WP. My BM dresses were dark purple, and my mom wore a royal blue dress. They didn't clash, but they also didn't necessarily 'go,' but it didn't matter -- Mama HisGirl felt beautiful, and she looked awesome.

However, my mom dresses up often, so buying a new dress wasn't a big deal for her. Given that you said your mom lives in T-shirts and shorts and this is kind of outside her realm, I can see why you want to give her guidance without seeming like you're giving her guidance.

ElcaB · April 2014

Yup, you were wrong.

If they had asked you, it'd be one thing, but it doesn't sound like they did.

My mom & FMIL asked me, so I gave them suggestions --- that's suggestions, not orders.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

My mom kept asking me what color she should wear to the wedding, so I told her that the bridesmaids were wearing cobalt but it didn't matter if she didn't coordinate with them. Of course she wants to since she will be in a lot of pictures with the bridesmaids since they're her daughters...

VulgarGirl · April 2014

I had this conversation with my mother this weekend.

Mom: I'm looking at MOB dresses and I hate them all! They look so old lady!

Me: So don't wear one.

Mom: Well what am I suppossed to wear then?

Me: Clothing.

Mom: Funny. Come on, I hate these thing, omg the bling!
Me: Wear a nice cocktail dress, or pantsuit or something then.

Mom: But I'm the mom of one of the brides, don't I have to wear something special?

Me: You can dress up like Joan Jett, I don't give a shit. Just show up showered and sober and walk me down the aisle.

Mom: I'm not wearing leather pants.

I've had similar conversations with both my step-moms. My mom's wife doesn't want to wear a dress, am I ok with that? Yes, of course that's fine so long as you wear something. My dad's wife was going to wear a dress, but if my mom's wife isn't should she still since they're doing a reading together? And then what color because she found a copper tea length one and is that an ok length and what is my mom wearing because we don't want to upstage her?

Since FI's mom isn't coming these are all my mothers and thus according to her my problem. Oh sure, she's got two dads. What should we wear at the fathers of the bride? I dunno, suit? Oh yeah suit, good plan. And done.

@lolo883 I agree people hate "where whatever you like". I don't know why. These are grown women with professional jobs who have attended weddings and parties and can clearly dress themselves!

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

@MagicInk I think everyone has been subjected to SO MANY YEARS of bridezillas that they're scared we're all going to dictate every second of everything, and hate them forever if they misstep and "ruin everything." I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with EVERYONE INVOLVED about tuxes or suits, hair up or down, keep the bangs or grow them out, dye the hair or not, what color for our nails, are french manicures trashy, new tattoo or not, open- or closed-toe shoes, knee-length or longer, pants or skirts, dresses or separates, "if she wears gold should I wear silver," etc, ETC, ETC!!! My poor dad actually thought I didn't want him to walk me down the aisle because I told him it didn't matter what he wore! No, it's just that your attire has ABSOLUTELY ZERO BEARING ON YOUR ABILITY TO PARTICIPATE IN/ATTEND THIS WEDDING UNLESS PERHAPS YOU'RE WEARING A SCUBA SUIT SO PLEASE MAYBE JUST DON'T WEAR A SCUBA SUIT BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS BECAUSE I HAVE ZERO FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE.

Sometimes it's just easier to say "hey Mom, I bought you this navy dress. K bye."

VulgarGirl · April 2014

I think I might be ok with a scuba suit at this point.

We did have one person ask if it was alright if they got a tattoo before the wedding. I said no because they weren't having me do it. Seriously, I have both arms tattooed not to mention my legs, my wrists, I'm a tattoo artist, but yes I care deeply that one of the chicks standing up with FI gets a new tattoo.

I think I'm going to suggest one big shopping trip with all three of them that ends in margaritas. And starts with mimosas. And maybe I have my flask with me. And then everyone will have an outfit and no one will bother me about their clothing again.

My conversation with my dad was much simpler. "Gray or black?", "I think black", "Ok cool, hey wanna get pizza with me?", so simple.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

Now I'm secretly hoping someone shows up to my wedding in a scuba suit because the photos would be priceless.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

MagicInk said:

I think I might be ok with a scuba suit at this point.

We did have one person ask if it was alright if they got a tattoo before the wedding. I said no because they weren't having me do it. Seriously, I have both arms tattooed not to mention my legs, my wrists, I'm a tattoo artist, but yes I care deeply that one of the chicks standing up with FI gets a new tattoo.

I think I'm going to suggest one big shopping trip with all three of them that ends in margaritas. And starts with mimosas. And maybe I have my flask with me. And then everyone will have an outfit and no one will bother me about their clothing again.

My conversation with my dad was much simpler. "Gray or black?", "I think black", "Ok cool, hey wanna get pizza with me?", so simple.

Definitely so much alcohol required for that. I would start with margaritas.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

MagicInk said:

I had this conversation with my mother this weekend.

Mom: I'm looking at MOB dresses and I hate them all! They look so old lady!
Me: So don't wear one.
Mom: Well what am I suppossed to wear then?
Me: Clothing.
Mom: Funny. Come on, I hate these thing, omg the bling!
Me: Wear a nice cocktail dress, or pantsuit or something then.
Mom: But I'm the mom of one of the brides, don't I have to wear something special?
Me: You can dress up like Joan Jett, I don't give a shit. Just show up showered and sober and walk me down the aisle.
Mom: I'm not wearing leather pants.

I've had similar conversations with both my step-moms. My mom's wife doesn't want to wear a dress, am I ok with that? Yes, of course that's fine so long as you wear something. My dad's wife was going to wear a dress, but if my mom's wife isn't should she still since they're doing a reading together? And then what color because she found a copper tea length one and is that an ok length and what is my mom wearing because we don't want to upstage her?

Since FI's mom isn't coming these are all my mothers and thus according to her my problem. Oh sure, she's got two dads. What should we wear at the fathers of the bride? I dunno, suit? Oh yeah suit, good plan. And done.

@lolo883 I agree people hate "where whatever you like". I don't know why. These are grown women with professional jobs who have attended weddings and parties and can clearly dress themselves!

I just spit coffee on my keyboard, thanks. My IT is going to love me.

SammiNJonni · April 2014

Go back to them and tell them whatever the want and feel comfortable in.

I am already hearing this. I have been shopping with my grandma it was not a deliberate shopping trip but she found her dress when we were out. When she asked if it was appropriate I asked if she felt good in it. She looks and feels great and that's all that matters.

My mom on the other hand is another story. She refuses to admit she is MOB 50 is too young to be MOB according to her and she tried on wedding gowns when we were shopping for mine. *eyeroll*

Even MOG has asked what I want her in and I told her whatever she wants but then she asked what my mom is wearing why tradition dictates her outfit is based off my moms I do not know.

Inkdancer · April 2014

Oh, I forgot... I did ask one attire thing of my dad and grandfather. I asked them to wear their military dress blues (because men in uniform are hot and I would love to be escorted down the aisle between two handsome military men!)

short+sassy · April 2014

MagicInk said:

I had this conversation with my mother this weekend.

Mom: I'm looking at MOB dresses and I hate them all! They look so old lady!

Me: So don't wear one.

Mom: Well what am I suppossed to wear then?

Me: Clothing.

Mom: Funny. Come on, I hate these thing, omg the bling!
Me: Wear a nice cocktail dress, or pantsuit or something then.

Mom: But I'm the mom of one of the brides, don't I have to wear something special?

Me: You can dress up like Joan Jett, I don't give a shit. Just show up showered and sober and walk me down the aisle.

Mom: I'm not wearing leather pants.

I've had similar conversations with both my step-moms. My mom's wife doesn't want to wear a dress, am I ok with that? Yes, of course that's fine so long as you wear something. My dad's wife was going to wear a dress, but if my mom's wife isn't should she still since they're doing a reading together? And then what color because she found a copper tea length one and is that an ok length and what is my mom wearing because we don't want to upstage her?

Since FI's mom isn't coming these are all my mothers and thus according to her my problem. Oh sure, she's got two dads. What should we wear at the fathers of the bride? I dunno, suit? Oh yeah suit, good plan. And done.

@lolo883 I agree people hate "where whatever you like". I don't know why. These are grown women with professional jobs who have attended weddings and parties and can clearly dress themselves!

ONLY if she agrees to sing "I Love Rock N Roll" at the reception. (Love that song!)

countrygirl061513 · April 2014

SammiNJonni said:

Go back to them and tell them whatever the want and feel comfortable in.

I am already hearing this. I have been shopping with my grandma it was not a deliberate shopping trip but she found her dress when we were out. When she asked if it was appropriate I asked if she felt good in it. She looks and feels great and that's all that matters.

My mom on the other hand is another story. She refuses to admit she is MOB 50 is too young to be MOB according to her and she tried on wedding gowns when we were shopping for mine. *eyeroll*

Even MOG has asked what I want her in and I told her whatever she wants but then she asked what my mom is wearing why tradition dictates her outfit is based off my moms I do not know.

I don't know either. My MIL and Mom both asked me constantly what the other was wearing to the wedding. Somehow they looked coordinated at the wedding but I told them both I didn't care what they wore as long as they liked it. I told my grandma the same thing, but it didn't stop the three of them from asking me for months before the wedding. LOL

Mother's dress

Re: Mother's dress

Choose Another Board

Search Boards