Daddy/Daughter issues.

Jean0715 · April 2014

So I have fully enjoyed wedding planning, except for my family drama.

Short back story: Mom and Dad decided that they are getting a divorce. It is an extremely ugly divorce. Mom cheated on dad. The way they told me was a bit messed up. I called to tell them that my FI had just proposed. (He did not ask for permission from my family) The conversation went like this.

Me: "Oh Em Gee FI just proposed! Blah blah blah."(I'm paraphrasing here)

Mother: "Oh how wonderful. Congratulations. Oh, by the way so its not weird when you come over tomorrow for Christmas, Dad and I are getting a divorce." (I kid you not this is what she said word for word…she was on speaker when she said it so my FI heard this as well)

So I get on the phone with my dad to tell him the news and all he says is: "Great. Are you sure you want to do it? It obviously isn't working out well for your mother and I."

After that I do not talk wedding with them unless they bring it up. My mother will talk about the wedding more positively. My father always brings up the negative. ("I know your wedding isn't going to be as happy as you want it to be because of all the things your mother is doing in this divorce.") I chose not to speak about the divorce with either of them. Its a whole lot of talking about the delicious bean dip.

So this brings me to today:

Dad called me and I answered. He apparently just got out of court with my mother. They are deciding to take the divorce to trial. Anyway, he always wants me to talk to my mom to "talk some sense into her." I don't know how many times I have told him that I am not getting involved. It is not a daughters place to get involved in their parents marriage or divorce. So we get into this argument.

He then throws out "Well, If you won't talk sense into your mother and explain how long and horrible a trial is going to be its probably going to overlap with your wedding."

Me: "I don't care. Its not my problem. Its FI and our day to show our love for each other. On that day I am asking you two to forget about the divorce and play nice for 12 hours. I don't care what happens before or after it. If you two can't behave yourselves for a few hours, then please don't come. I don't need that drama."

Dad: "Well fine, maybe I won't be there then. I'll let you know if anything changes" and he hung up the phone.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that? Ugh I'm just so upset and frustrated with this whole thing. I just needed to vent.

zizibet · April 2014

I'm so sorry. I don't think you were out of line-he's clearly trying to drag you into stuff, and you absolutely should not be in the middle. Good for you for standing your ground-keep doing it.
I'm sorry your father is acting like this. I hope he comes to his senses.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Jean0715 said:

So I have fully enjoyed wedding planning, except for my family drama.

Short back story: Mom and Dad decided that they are getting a divorce. It is an extremely ugly divorce. Mom cheated on dad. The way they told me was a bit messed up. I called to tell them that my FI had just proposed. (He did not ask for permission from my family) The conversation went like this.
Me: "Oh Em Gee FI just proposed! Blah blah blah."(I'm paraphrasing here)
Mother: "Oh how wonderful. Congratulations. Oh, by the way so its not weird when you come over tomorrow for Christmas, Dad and I are getting a divorce." (I kid you not this is what she said word for word…she was on speaker when she said it so my FI heard this as well)
So I get on the phone with my dad to tell him the news and all he says is: "Great. Are you sure you want to do it? It obviously isn't working out well for your mother and I."

After that I do not talk wedding with them unless they bring it up. My mother will talk about the wedding more positively. My father always brings up the negative. ("I know your wedding isn't going to be as happy as you want it to be because of all the things your mother is doing in this divorce.") I chose not to speak about the divorce with either of them. Its a whole lot of talking about the delicious bean dip.

So this brings me to today:
Dad called me and I answered. He apparently just got out of court with my mother. They are deciding to take the divorce to trial. Anyway, he always wants me to talk to my mom to "talk some sense into her." I don't know how many times I have told him that I am not getting involved. It is not a daughters place to get involved in their parents marriage or divorce. So we get into this argument.
He then throws out "Well, If you won't talk sense into your mother and explain how long and horrible a trial is going to be its probably going to overlap with your wedding."
Me: "I don't care. Its not my problem. Its FI and our day to show our love for each other. On that day I am asking you two to forget about the divorce and play nice for 12 hours. I don't care what happens before or after it. If you two can't behave yourselves for a few hours, then please don't come. I don't need that drama."
Dad: "Well fine, maybe I won't be there then. I'll let you know if anything changes" and he hung up the phone.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that? Ugh I'm just so upset and frustrated with this whole thing. I just needed to vent.

No, the person who was in the wrong here is your father, not you. You did exactly what you should have done, which was to call his bluff and say, 'Well, if you can't manage to be nice, then just don't come.'

I hope, for your sake and his sake, that he changes his mind.

GBCK · April 2014

what you said is perfect.

Really.

They are grown ups. They are not toddlers. They are adults who are able to stand in the same room and not make waves.

I know I've told this story before (a lot), but, short version, as a kid, I heard my mom tell both of her parents if not seeing the ex was more important than coming to our school play, don't come. Her family gave her no end of grief for being 'so mean'--but she wasn't demanding they hold hands and sing kum-by-a, she was expecting them to show up and avoid/ignore each other.

That's a skill people over age 4 are supposed to posses.

6fsn · April 2014

I don't think you were out of line, but I have a feeling your father has been pretty hurt. He probably has a lot of feelings and may not have a safe place to get them out. So, while I don't think you are wrong, you might consider some tenderness.

This is also pretty new territory for all of you so it might take some time to navigate.

*Barbie* · April 2014

what you did was the mature way to handle things - your father is acting like a teenager.

stick to your guns on not getting involved and continue to push for your parents to behave like adults.

tawillers · April 2014

I feel like it's worth saying that you should start preparing for your dad to follow through. While I personally agree with you telling him to suck it up or not come, there's a chance he isn't bluffing and won't show up, and that's also going to be hard for you.

I hope that both of your parents decide to put their differences aside to be with you at your wedding.

Daddy/Daughter issues.

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