Advice on asking bridal party

BlueRC · May 2014

I am finally going to ask my girls to be in my bridal party. I am having 2 maids of honors, 1 bridesmaid, 1 junior bridesmaid and 2 flower girls.

For the maid of honors and bridesmaids: I am putting together a mini binder/planner that will include the typical duties as well as some funny ones, monthly calendar, attire, contacts, guest list, budget sheet, and a personalized letter/card from me asking them to be in the bridal party. (This is the idea and I plan on starting on this project this weekend)

I was thinking of asking my one MOH to sign the license and the other MOH to hold the ring/bouquet & stand next to me. I was just going to do it by age since they are both my sisters – the older one stands next to me and the younger one signs the license. What do you think – would you be offended just standing there while the other signs the license or do you think it’s not a big deal?

The junior bridesmaid and one flower girl are my daughters so I am not asking them because they already know they are in the wedding The other flower girl is my MOH’s daughter, should I just add a line in my letter asking her to allow her daughter to be a flower girl?

Maggie0829 · May 2014

I am finally going to ask my girls to be in my bridal party. I am having 2 maids of honors, 1 bridesmaid, 1 junior bridesmaid and 2 flower girls.
For the maid of honors and bridesmaids: I am putting together a mini binder/planner that will include the typical duties as well as some funny ones, monthly calendar, attire, contacts, guest list, budget sheet, and a personalized letter/card from me asking them to be in the bridal party. (This is the idea and I plan on starting on this project this weekend)
I was thinking of asking my one MOH to sign the license and the other MOH to hold the ring/bouquet & stand next to me. I was just going to do it by age since they are both my sisters – the older one stands next to me and the younger one signs the license. What do you think – would you be offended just standing there while the other signs the license or do you think it’s not a big deal?
The junior bridesmaid and one flower girl are my daughters so I am not asking them because they already know they are in the wedding The other flower girl is my MOH’s daughter, should I just add a line in my letter asking her to allow her daughter to be a flower girl?

Oh dear god, please do not do that! The members of your bridal party are not free laborers who need a binder to keep track of their duties and jobs and budgets for god knows what, they are your nearest and dearest. The only duties they have are to buy the dress, smile in pictures and have fun at your wedding. That is it.

You should ask each person separately. No gift or note or anything is necessary. And when the time comes to look at dresses you ask each person privately what their budget is and then you stick to the lowest number given.

As for the flower girl, I would ask your sister if she would be okay having her daughter in the wedding party. If she says yes, then you should ask your niece directly. And when it comes time to buy a flower girl dress make sure to ask your sister what she is comfortable spending on it and then stick to that budget.

BlueRC · May 2014

Maggie0829 It's not that I am treating them as free laborers. The duties was just something I read from the Everything Bridesmaid Book - it was to serve as more humorous then serious. I just thought it would be a good idea to have somewhere to keep their receipts and ideas. As well as a calendar for dates, guest list so they know who to invite to the showers and bachlorette party.

I forgot to mention that the flower girl is only 1.

AddieCake · May 2014

Sweet Jesus in the manger, do not give them a binder.

BlueRC · May 2014

AddieCake Really didn't think the binder idea was bad. I am a organizational freak and have my huge wedding binder that they always jokes about. It keeps all my paperwork, contracts, receipts, etc organized. I thought it was a good idea this way all their paperwork doesn't get lost.

BlueRC · May 2014

The point I was trying to find out wasn't in regards to the binder. It was more towards the duties of the MOH since I am having 2.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

BlueRC said:

Maggie0829 It's not that I am treating them as free laborers. The duties was just something I read from the Everything Bridesmaid Book - it was to serve as more humorous then serious. I just thought it would be a good idea to have somewhere to keep their receipts and ideas. As well as a calendar for dates, guest list so they know who to invite to the showers and bachlorette party.

I forgot to mention that the flower girl is only 1.

Yeah, still don't give them the binder. They are grown ups and know how to handle their receipts and I am sure they can all keep track of dates in their own way as well. And way to assume that they are going to throw you a shower and bach party. Just say no to the whole thing. Ask them individually without a silly binder.

BlueRC · May 2014

I already know they are planning the bach party & shower. They have already discussed it. The three adults in my bridal party are my 2 sisters and FSIL. So I am not assuming anything. You don't know my sisters very well but either way that's not the advice I was asking but thanks for your opinion.

manateehugger · May 2014

BlueRC said:

Maggie0829 It's not that I am treating them as free laborers. The duties was just something I read from the Everything Bridesmaid Book - it was to serve as more humorous then serious. I just thought it would be a good idea to have somewhere to keep their receipts and ideas. As well as a calendar for dates, guest list so they know who to invite to the showers and bachlorette party.

I forgot to mention that the flower girl is only 1.

Achh!! Ok, first off throw away that book. It's trying to convince you that your friends should suddenly blow tons of money on you to feed the bridal industry and doesn't care about your friends.

Second, these girls shouldn't have receipts and ideas for your wedding. The only thing they have to buy is the dress. As for ideas, keep in mind that they may not have any. It's your wedding, not theirs. They may not really care about your flowers or music list or dress styles - and that's ok! No one will care about your wedding as much as you.

The only date they need to know is the wedding day. They don't need to know your guest list. IF (and only if, because they don't have to) one decides to host a shower for you, they'll ask you for a guest list. I've been a bridesmaid a number of times; if I've helped host the shower, I've just emailed the bride with potential dates and with a number of guest list slots for her to fill in. No biggy. Trust me, they do not care about your entire guest list.

I know Pinterest and this book are telling you that you now have a team of wedding workers to manage, but that's not true in the slightest. I feel like I've been a pretty hands off bride (I've emailed my girls twice in the past year - one to ask about hair and makeup and one to ask about dates to go dress shopping), and it's worked out just fine. No planner needed.

MairePoppy · May 2014

The binder implies that your MsOH will be expected to help you plan your wedding. Please don't do that.

As for your question - I don't know any adults who would quibble or be offended if one is asked to sign the certificate and the other is asked to hold your flowers or whatever. Your sisters will be standing with you as you make this important commitment. They are both being honored and it doesn't matter which one stands closest to you. This is something that can be figured out at rehearsal.

BlueRC · May 2014

PDKH Luckily I didn't buy the book just need to return it to the library.

However, every commenter is straying from my questions - which was not in regards to the binder. It was regarding the MOH tasks.

BlueRC · May 2014

MairePoppy They know they aren't helping plan my wedding. I am too much of a control freak. It was just to help keep them organized.

Thanks for answering my question. True we can figure it out at the rehearsal.

antibride2013 · May 2014

BlueRC said:

PDKH Luckily I didn't buy the book just need to return it to the library.

However, every commenter is straying from my questions - which was not in regards to the binder. It was regarding the MOH tasks.

I will answer your question- Your MOH tasks are simple:

1. Buy dress that is within ther budget

2. Show up sober on the wedding day

3. Smile for pictures

That is all. Ditch the binder and the "cutesy" ideas, because they are terrible ideas. Showers and other parties are NOT required and if one of them want to host a shower, only your nearest and dearest family and close friends should be invited. You should have zero input on any gifted parties.

Sit back and relax and enjoy the fact that you don't have to micromanage adult women.

BlueRC · May 2014

antibride2013 Not what I was asking either. Never said I had any input with the parties and the invite list is only my family & friends. It's not about micro managing anybody.

Like previous commenters - please read the entire post to see my original question.

KGold80 · May 2014

antibride2013 Not what I was asking either. Never said I had any input with the parties and the invite list is only my family & friends. It's not about micro managing anybody.

Like previous commenters - please read the entire post to see my original question.

STUCK IN BOX:

What part of "... I am putting together a mini binder/planner that will include the typical duties as well as some funny ones, monthly calendar, attire, contacts, guest list, budget sheet..." does not read as micromanaging?

You may think it's a cute idea, but I'd be like "WTF?"

AddieCake · May 2014

No, I would not be offended if someone else got asked to sign the license and I got to hold the bouquet. Unless it was Maggie. If you asked Maggie to sign the license over me, I'd be really hurt. Maggie gets a lot of Love Its, and I fear she will beat me in points toward getting that unicorn here. So if Maggie gets a unicorn AND gets to sign the license? Screw that noise!

Jen4948 · May 2014

1) Just ask your sisters without making a production of it or using cutesy gimmicks. They are not little kids who have to be bribed into it. If they want to do it, then they'll say yes; otherwise, they'll decline. Respect their dignity.

2) It's not their job to plan anything for you, so ditch the binders. They have budgets and schedules of their own, and it's up to them, not you, to decide if they are going to plan anything for you, let alone when and how much they will spend on parties for you.

vsgal · May 2014

You post on an open forum. We can and will respond to whatever you write in your posts. If you bring up an etiquette fail, we will call you our faux pas out of courtesy. We don't want you to lose all your friends because Pintrest, the wedding industry and book publishers everywhere want to make money.

Do not give your wedding party a binder of anything. It is tacky. If one of my friends did that, funny or not, I would remove myself immediately from the wedding knowing that the rest of the process would be a nightmare that I do not want to be a part of.

These are adults. They can manage themselves. If they want to have a party for you, they will do it without your input. The operative word in that sentence is WANT.

They don't have to keep receipts. They don't have to have a monthly calendar. They don't have to do crafts or planning.

In regards to the question you are asking, just make the decision. You only need one to sign the license.

BlueRC · May 2014

In regards to the binder - everything would have been blank for them to fill out. I was seeing it as a nice gesture but no big deal.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

BlueRC said:

In regards to the binder - everything would have been blank for them to fill out. I was seeing it as a nice gesture but whatever.

I hate binders. I just don't like the space they take up in my home. I don't like paper. I do all my planning on google drive so I have access to my documents whereever I am. I don't want a binder to be gifted to me. Especially not a blank binder. One more thing for me to drive to the Goodwill. And I don't have a car.

BlueRC · May 2014

adk19 See I am the opposite - I love binders. I have one for the wedding, one for my household bills, and one for my family research. They all have their own little place on my computer desk. I like everything to be organized but I like you use google drive too. I just like to feel paper in my hand.

jneen101 · May 2014

BlueRC said:

I am finally going to ask my girls to be in my bridal party. I am having 2 maids of honors, 1 bridesmaid, 1 junior bridesmaid and 2 flower girls.
For the maid of honors and bridesmaids: I am putting together a mini binder/planner that will include the typical duties as well as some funny ones, monthly calendar, attire, contacts, guest list, budget sheet, and a personalized letter/card from me asking them to be in the bridal party. (This is the idea and I plan on starting on this project this weekend)
I was thinking of asking my one MOH to sign the license and the other MOH to hold the ring/bouquet & stand next to me. I was just going to do it by age since they are both my sisters – the older one stands next to me and the younger one signs the license. What do you think – would you be offended just standing there while the other signs the license or do you think it’s not a big deal?
The junior bridesmaid and one flower girl are my daughters so I am not asking them because they already know they are in the wedding The other flower girl is my MOH’s daughter, should I just add a line in my letter asking her to allow her daughter to be a flower girl?

What kind of duties go in the binder?

jenna8984 · May 2014

Yea I don't know what "paperwork" you think they're going to have. I have been a bridesmaid and had exactly zero paperwork. I have two hideous dresses, but no paperwork

But I'm sure neither of them give a hoot about who signs it and who holds the bouquet. Standing up there and being in all the pictures is the special part, they don't need a specific thing/ duty/ task to make them more special.

KatWAG · May 2014

As someone who is also an organizational freak, I can see where you are coming from with the binders. But the bottom line is that they are pointless. What paper work do they really need to keep track of? Why would they need any information on your budget? There is no such thing and MOH duties, so there is nothing to keep track of.

If/ when they decide to plan a bach party or a shower, they will come to you to discuss the guest list. They have no need for your entire guest list.

And yes, you need to ask the mom permission before involving the other potential flower girl.

IMHO, a lot of your ideas seem to be pinterest- inflicted. cute notes, binders, jr bridesmaid (which is a made up title by the way), etc.

BlueRC · May 2014

jneen101 Something like: Protect the bride from vengeful former suitors or thieves that attempt to steal the bride's dowry. Help keep the evil spirits at bay and inform the bride if she is becoming one. Help shop for and purchase the bridesmaid attire including dress, shoes, and accessories. (I promise to listen and consider all of your request and input). Remind me that not everything is about me and the wedding. If I become stressed/overwhelmed/Bridezilla, take me away from my wedding binder and ideas and get me out for a drink (or 2). Accompany me to the dress fittings. Attend all prewedding parties without being fashionably late. Remind me once in a while why I am getting married. Celebrate with me on my big day! Stand at the altar with me as I say I do. Smile for the many photos that will be taken. Enter the reception with some pep in your step. Help keep the dance floor going. Have fun!

BlueRC · May 2014

jenna8984 KatWAG I've never been a bridesmaid so I don't know if they have some sorta contract/receipt for their dress or accessories. Not my budget but a way for them to keep track of their own.

KatWAG · May 2014

BlueRC said:

jneen101 Something like: Protect the bride from vengeful former suitors or thieves that attempt to steal the bride's dowry. Help keep the evil spirits at bay and inform the bride if she is becoming one. Help shop for and purchase the bridesmaid attire including dress, shoes, and accessories. (I promise to listen and consider all of your request and input). Remind me that not everything is about me and the wedding. If I become stressed/overwhelmed/Bridezilla, take me away from my wedding binder and ideas and get me out for a drink (or 2). Accompany me to the dress fittings. Attend all prewedding parties without being fashionably late. Remind me once in a while why I am getting married. Celebrate with me on my big day! Stand at the altar with me as I say I do. Smile for the many photos that will be taken. Enter the reception with some pep in your step. Help keep the dance floor going. Have fun!

To the bolded: if you want your BMs to wear specific shoes or jewelry then you need to pay for it. Not them. And BMs dont need to attend any prewedding parties if they dont want to or are unavialable.

BlueRC · May 2014

KatWAG Never said it had to be specific shoes or jewelry (which I may gift to them anyway). Honestly, if they agree to be a bridesmaid I do expect them to show up to the rehearsal and dinner, and if they are planning a shower/bach party I expect all of them to be there as well. It's not like any of them live out of state or far from me.

KatWAG · May 2014

BlueRC said:

KatWAG Never said it had to be specific shoes or jewelry (which I may gift to them anyway). Honestly, if they agree to be a bridesmaid I do expect them to show up to the rehearsal and dinner, and if they are planning a shower/bach party I expect all of them to be there as well. It's not like any of them live out of state or far from me.

If they are required to wear it, it's not a gift but part of a uniform. You can expect them to show up all you want. But there are other factors to consider like budgets and work schedules.

jenna8984 · May 2014

BlueRC said:

jenna8984 KatWAG I've never been a bridesmaid so I don't know if they have some sorta contract/receipt for their dress or accessories. Not my budget but a way for them to keep track of their own.

It's not like they can return the dress afterwards so the receipt goes in the trash lol. No biggie, I can see why you have so many thoughts/ questions if you've never been a bridesmaid before. You might only have pinterest and movies to blame for your ideas- stay away from everything terrible on pinterest such as the binders, honeymoon funds, personalized getting ready wear (for them not you). Yes it's your big day, but not your big tacky day lol.

Jen4948 · May 2014

BlueRC said:

KatWAG Never said it had to be specific shoes or jewelry (which I may gift to them anyway). Honestly, if they agree to be a bridesmaid I do expect them to show up to the rehearsal and dinner, and if they are planning a shower/bach party I expect all of them to be there as well. It's not like any of them live out of state or far from me.

This goes beyond what you can expect from your wedding party members. If they cannot attend due to other things going on in your lives, you'll have to accept it and move on. Not everyone's schedule or budget may allow them to go to showers, parties, or rehearsals, and it's something you can't control.

Advice on asking bridal party

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