When is GoFundMe okay?

manillabar · May 2014

I would agree that it depends on the situation and the people asking. Serious medical ailments in close friends and family members would probably garner enough sympathy for me to donate. Then again, these are people I would probably volunteer to help regardless (as long as I can afford it).

What really bothers me, though, are the people with GFMs because they just graduated or are starting school or something. Maybe I'm just jealous because no one gave me money to go to med school but come on! This is exactly what student loans were made for. I hate loans too, but I'd rather that than beg friends, family, and strangers to fund my life.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Sort of a spin-off....

A high school classmate of mine and his wife have a blog, and a GFM account, to raise money for their daughter, who was born with a very, very rare genetic mutation/defect.

I have sympathy for the uphill battle they face, I really do.

All along, they've been blogging about 'things insurance doesn't cover.' So I get that -- health care in this country (USA) is broken, badly.

Then it comes out (as in, one of their friends finally got fed up with it and posted it on their blog), 'It's not that health insurance doesn't cover her medical costs, it's that you guys didn't HAVE health insurance when you got pregnant.'

I was floored. All along, they've been presenting this as a 'our insurance doesn't cover this' and really, they just don't have insurance, period.

According to her blog, it was a planned pregnancy, so it's not even like they got surprise pregnant and didn't have insurance.

Also, she has a 10- or 11-year-old kid from a previous relationship, and HE doesn't have health insurance, either -- not even the free stuff from the state.

What the WHAT?! That is horrible.

mysticl · May 2014

I donated when a friend's kid needed a transplant. Their insurance covered the transplant but didn't cover all of the other costs. He had to travel to another state to get the transplant. His mom had to go with him. She was fortunate to be able to stay at Ronald McDonald House but there is still a "requested donation" to stay there, if you can afford it. She had to purchase her meals. Once the child was well enough to leave the hospital he moved into Ronald McDonald House which meant he needed meals to be purchased. Most significantly is that he has 3 siblings. Dad had to take FMLA to care for them while Mom was away.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

lolo883 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Sort of a spin-off....

A high school classmate of mine and his wife have a blog, and a GFM account, to raise money for their daughter, who was born with a very, very rare genetic mutation/defect.

I have sympathy for the uphill battle they face, I really do.

All along, they've been blogging about 'things insurance doesn't cover.' So I get that -- health care in this country (USA) is broken, badly.

Then it comes out (as in, one of their friends finally got fed up with it and posted it on their blog), 'It's not that health insurance doesn't cover her medical costs, it's that you guys didn't HAVE health insurance when you got pregnant.'

I was floored. All along, they've been presenting this as a 'our insurance doesn't cover this' and really, they just don't have insurance, period.

According to her blog, it was a planned pregnancy, so it's not even like they got surprise pregnant and didn't have insurance.

Also, she has a 10- or 11-year-old kid from a previous relationship, and HE doesn't have health insurance, either -- not even the free stuff from the state.

What the WHAT?! That is horrible.

Yeah, the classmate was an asshole in high school, so apparently not much has changed. And while I don't wish their daughter's illness on them (or on anyone!), I have a lot less sympathy for people who make dumb decisions and then expect other people to pay to clean up the mess.

ETA: They're holding a 5K fundraiser for her, and one of my friends, who knows I'm a runner, said, 'Oh, HisGirl, you should totally do this, it's for a good cause!'

It's a $35 entry fee, which is steep for 5Ks, at least in my area, and it's on a weekend I wasn't planning to be at my parents' house (HS classmate and wife still live in our hometown), so I politely declined, and the friend came back with, 'That's really selfish of you. You could give up one weekend to run for a little girl who has genetic problems.'

*sigh*

JCbride2015 · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

lolo883 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Sort of a spin-off....

A high school classmate of mine and his wife have a blog, and a GFM account, to raise money for their daughter, who was born with a very, very rare genetic mutation/defect.

I have sympathy for the uphill battle they face, I really do.

All along, they've been blogging about 'things insurance doesn't cover.' So I get that -- health care in this country (USA) is broken, badly.

Then it comes out (as in, one of their friends finally got fed up with it and posted it on their blog), 'It's not that health insurance doesn't cover her medical costs, it's that you guys didn't HAVE health insurance when you got pregnant.'

I was floored. All along, they've been presenting this as a 'our insurance doesn't cover this' and really, they just don't have insurance, period.

According to her blog, it was a planned pregnancy, so it's not even like they got surprise pregnant and didn't have insurance.

Also, she has a 10- or 11-year-old kid from a previous relationship, and HE doesn't have health insurance, either -- not even the free stuff from the state.

What the WHAT?! That is horrible.

Yeah, the classmate was an asshole in high school, so apparently not much has changed. And while I don't wish their daughter's illness on them (or on anyone!), I have a lot less sympathy for people who make dumb decisions and then expect other people to pay to clean up the mess.

ETA: They're holding a 5K fundraiser for her, and one of my friends, who knows I'm a runner, said, 'Oh, HisGirl, you should totally do this, it's for a good cause!'

It's a $35 entry fee, which is steep for 5Ks, at least in my area, and it's on a weekend I wasn't planning to be at my parents' house (HS classmate and wife still live in our hometown), so I politely declined, and the friend came back with, 'That's really selfish of you. You could give up one weekend to run for a little girl who has genetic problems.'

*sigh*

I can't believe someone would actually say this to you. HisGirl, you are lovely but you've got some rude friends.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

@jcbride2015 --

Thanks! And yeah, I do. This person was more of a FB friend/casual acquaintance and that little comment got her un-friended.

JennyColada · May 2014

I am floored by the rude and expecting attitude of some people.

It's as though some people think that it's a PRIVILEGE to be able to help them and that it's EXPECTED that we'll do so. No, it's not. And you should be thankful for every kind word that you get (and doubly so for every penny).

I grew up in a time (and I'm not even that old!) where we were in charge of our own finances: we didn't expect anyone else to pay for us. And we certainly didn't openly discuss our financial troubles with anyone that will listen (and some that try to ignore you).

My heart goes out to people who are struggling or otherwise in bad situations, but at the same time, we all need to make our own choices in life and deal with our own struggles (because no one has time or energy to deal with theirs AND yours). If you have a support network, GREAT, reach out to them all that you can. But it is NOT ok to reach out to near strangers and then react with such poor tact when you don't get treated like a princess.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

mysticl · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

In the case of my friend they didn't set up the Go Fund Me. Someone else did it because they know they needed help. And seriously when the option is that your child will die, screw manners.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

In the case of my friend they didn't set up the Go Fund Me. Someone else did it because they know they needed help. And seriously when the option is that your child will die, screw manners.

Again, that is when the last resort of asking close friends and family in a private conversation comes into play. Not a public GFM created by someone else asking on their behalf. If you need money that badly, for whatever reason (good, bad, or ugly) and you have no other means to get it, then you need to ask for it yourself from people that you are close to.

I'm sorry but I will never be on board with GFM for anything.

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

In the case of my friend they didn't set up the Go Fund Me. Someone else did it because they know they needed help. And seriously when the option is that your child will die, screw manners.

I agree with this...it isn't a graceful way to go about things, but if the parents are that desperate it is understandable that they would try every option. I can't blame them for that.

ETA: In this case it wasn't even the parents setting it up, but someone else anyway.

mysticl · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

In the case of my friend they didn't set up the Go Fund Me. Someone else did it because they know they needed help. And seriously when the option is that your child will die, screw manners.

Again, that is when the last resort of asking close friends and family in a private conversation comes into play. Not a public GFM created by someone else asking on their behalf. If you need money that badly, for whatever reason (good, bad, or ugly) and you have no other means to get it, then you need to ask for it yourself from people that you are close to.

I'm sorry but I will never be on board with GFM for anything.

They did ask. They went to family and friends for help. And those people went to others to help. The family had no income while the boy was in the hospital because Dad had to take FMLA. They needed all the help they could get. Twenty years ago you would see change cans at check out counters asking for money to get a kid a bone marrow transplant. I never heard anyone say they were rude. They either donated or they didn't.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

In the case of my friend they didn't set up the Go Fund Me. Someone else did it because they know they needed help. And seriously when the option is that your child will die, screw manners.

Again, that is when the last resort of asking close friends and family in a private conversation comes into play. Not a public GFM created by someone else asking on their behalf. If you need money that badly, for whatever reason (good, bad, or ugly) and you have no other means to get it, then you need to ask for it yourself from people that you are close to.

I'm sorry but I will never be on board with GFM for anything.

They did ask. They went to family and friends for help. And those people went to others to help. The family had no income while the boy was in the hospital because Dad had to take FMLA. They needed all the help they could get. Twenty years ago you would see change cans at check out counters asking for money to get a kid a bone marrow transplant. I never heard anyone say they were rude. They either donated or they didn't.

I'm sorry but I would be very embarrassed if people took it upon themselves to ask others for money for me. Yes, I may have asked for help myself which is a hard thing to do especially when you are asking for money, but in no way do I think it is right for others to spread my hardship around to others. If I wanted help from certain people then I would ask them myself. Money problems are a very personal thing. I get they wanted to help but what they did, IMO, was wrong of them.

And yeah, I would be rolling my eyes at that change can.

mysticl · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

In the case of my friend they didn't set up the Go Fund Me. Someone else did it because they know they needed help. And seriously when the option is that your child will die, screw manners.

Again, that is when the last resort of asking close friends and family in a private conversation comes into play. Not a public GFM created by someone else asking on their behalf. If you need money that badly, for whatever reason (good, bad, or ugly) and you have no other means to get it, then you need to ask for it yourself from people that you are close to.

I'm sorry but I will never be on board with GFM for anything.

They did ask. They went to family and friends for help. And those people went to others to help. The family had no income while the boy was in the hospital because Dad had to take FMLA. They needed all the help they could get. Twenty years ago you would see change cans at check out counters asking for money to get a kid a bone marrow transplant. I never heard anyone say they were rude. They either donated or they didn't.
I'm sorry but I would be very embarrassed if people took it upon themselves to ask others for money for me. Yes, I may have asked for help myself which is a hard thing to do especially when you are asking for money, but in no way do I think it is right for others to spread my hardship around to others. If I wanted help from certain people then I would ask them myself. Money problems are a very personal thing. I get they wanted to help but what they did, IMO, was wrong of them.

And yeah, I would be rolling my eyes at that change can.

When your child's life is on the line you get over it. After the transplant the surgeon told the mother that the diseased organ was in such bad shape her child would have been dead in three months. There is no pride in that situation, there is no privacy, there is just doing whatever it takes to save your child.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

Maggie0829 said:

mysticl said:

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

In the case of my friend they didn't set up the Go Fund Me. Someone else did it because they know they needed help. And seriously when the option is that your child will die, screw manners.

Again, that is when the last resort of asking close friends and family in a private conversation comes into play. Not a public GFM created by someone else asking on their behalf. If you need money that badly, for whatever reason (good, bad, or ugly) and you have no other means to get it, then you need to ask for it yourself from people that you are close to.

I'm sorry but I will never be on board with GFM for anything.

They did ask. They went to family and friends for help. And those people went to others to help. The family had no income while the boy was in the hospital because Dad had to take FMLA. They needed all the help they could get. Twenty years ago you would see change cans at check out counters asking for money to get a kid a bone marrow transplant. I never heard anyone say they were rude. They either donated or they didn't.
I'm sorry but I would be very embarrassed if people took it upon themselves to ask others for money for me. Yes, I may have asked for help myself which is a hard thing to do especially when you are asking for money, but in no way do I think it is right for others to spread my hardship around to others. If I wanted help from certain people then I would ask them myself. Money problems are a very personal thing. I get they wanted to help but what they did, IMO, was wrong of them.

And yeah, I would be rolling my eyes at that change can.

When your child's life is on the line you get over it. After the transplant the surgeon told the mother that the diseased organ was in such bad shape her child would have been dead in three months. There is no pride in that situation, there is no privacy, there is just doing whatever it takes to save your child.

I'm sorry but no I would not. If my child's life was on the line and I needed money to save them then I would ask for help from very close friends and family with their full knowledge that I would pay them back. I would even take out a personal loan and rack up my credit card knowing full well that I would most likely have to file for bankruptcy. But I certainly would not want to look like a damn charity case to everyone around me and to possible strangers by asking for a hand out or for it being asked for me. I have a bit more dignity then that. When shit happens to me and my family it is my responsibility to deal with it and ask for help when it is needed, not for others to take it upon themselves to do it for me.

If that is how you feel then that is fine. But I always want to keep my dignity and to show any of my possible children how you handle certain situations and that is not to ask for charity or is it okay for you to be made into a charity case by others. And yes, I always feel that you have a right to privacy regardless of your situation. Not everyone wants their hardships aired out for all to know about it.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

Honestly for me, a lot of it is how you present your cause. Let me know it's there and let me make my own decisions, then I'm good with it. Pester the shit out of me and you're a rude bitch.

I've had friends do various campaigns for artistic endeavors and I've donated then sometimes. They usually do pretty good "gifts" for contributions. Like signed artwork, or private openings, things I'd want anyways. And it's a good way for artists to raise money. I'm all about supporting artists.

Depending on the medical treatment, I don't roll my eyes too hard. My mom's been sick, I know that shit happens when you lease expect it. She ran out of health insurance (WTF? I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened), exhausted her benefits at work, and was draining her savings. It was hard. But IVF/boob job/lipo, bitch please save your own damn money.

Adoption no. Not ever. Because I happen to know about the foster system. From which you can adopt from. No it won't be a brand new fresh from the vagina baby. But it will be a child who needs a home and love and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars to adopt. My FSIL was adopt via this method, cost a grand total of $800. And she's fantastic.

Wedding, again no. A big wedding is not something you need and it does not benefit the community. Go small or save. GFM for a big to do wedding just makes you a dick head. Honestly, I'd rather donate to GFM for a car or a house then for a big wedding. At least a car or house is useful.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

This may make me a bitch, but even though I have sympathy for people who have medical issues and large medical bills (health care sucks here!), this is again something that is not anyone's responsibility to pay for but the person or family in that position. Asking for money in anyway is rude and should be the last possible resort and should not be done through a GFM website, but rather by one-on-one conversations with a close family member or dear friend so that a reimbursement plan can be discussed.

That's a fine plan, but...what if your close family and dear friends are also broke ass?

When my mom was sick, there wasn't a lot of extra money from the family to help. What helped was a few of her friends taking up a collection to help with day to day expenses so that we could use her savings for her medical treatments. It was very kind of them to do. But if her savings had run out completely, I have no idea what we would have done. I'm not sure GFM existed then, but if it did, I would have been on there.

mysticl · May 2014

MagicInk said:

Honestly for me, a lot of it is how you present your cause. Let me know it's there and let me make my own decisions, then I'm good with it. Pester the shit out of me and you're a rude bitch.

I've had friends do various campaigns for artistic endeavors and I've donated then sometimes. They usually do pretty good "gifts" for contributions. Like signed artwork, or private openings, things I'd want anyways. And it's a good way for artists to raise money. I'm all about supporting artists.

Depending on the medical treatment, I don't roll my eyes too hard. My mom's been sick, I know that shit happens when you lease expect it. She ran out of health insurance (WTF? I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened), exhausted her benefits at work, and was draining her savings. It was hard. But IVF/boob job/lipo, bitch please save your own damn money.

Adoption no. Not ever. Because I happen to know about the foster system. From which you can adopt from. No it won't be a brand new fresh from the vagina baby. But it will be a child who needs a home and love and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars to adopt. My FSIL was adopt via this method, cost a grand total of $800. And she's fantastic.

Wedding, again no. A big wedding is not something you need and it does not benefit the community. Go small or save. GFM for a big to do wedding just makes you a dick head. Honestly, I'd rather donate to GFM for a car or a house then for a big wedding. At least a car or house is useful.

I used to work in foster care. In the state I worked in foster to adopt was free. Well, you might have to pay the lawyer but once the adoption was finalized the state would reimburse you for those fees. Also, in some cases the child was still eligible for a monthly stipend to provide for their care until their 18th birthday.

And sometimes it is a brand new baby. It's rare and there's a good chance the baby is addicted but it can happen.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

MagicInk said:

Honestly for me, a lot of it is how you present your cause. Let me know it's there and let me make my own decisions, then I'm good with it. Pester the shit out of me and you're a rude bitch.

I've had friends do various campaigns for artistic endeavors and I've donated then sometimes. They usually do pretty good "gifts" for contributions. Like signed artwork, or private openings, things I'd want anyways. And it's a good way for artists to raise money. I'm all about supporting artists.

Depending on the medical treatment, I don't roll my eyes too hard. My mom's been sick, I know that shit happens when you lease expect it. She ran out of health insurance (WTF? I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened), exhausted her benefits at work, and was draining her savings. It was hard. But IVF/boob job/lipo, bitch please save your own damn money.

Adoption no. Not ever. Because I happen to know about the foster system. From which you can adopt from. No it won't be a brand new fresh from the vagina baby. But it will be a child who needs a home and love and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars to adopt. My FSIL was adopt via this method, cost a grand total of $800. And she's fantastic.

Wedding, again no. A big wedding is not something you need and it does not benefit the community. Go small or save. GFM for a big to do wedding just makes you a dick head. Honestly, I'd rather donate to GFM for a car or a house then for a big wedding. At least a car or house is useful.

Seriously, I just spit water all over my keyboard. Thanks for that!

VulgarGirl · May 2014

mysticl said:

MagicInk said:

Honestly for me, a lot of it is how you present your cause. Let me know it's there and let me make my own decisions, then I'm good with it. Pester the shit out of me and you're a rude bitch.

I've had friends do various campaigns for artistic endeavors and I've donated then sometimes. They usually do pretty good "gifts" for contributions. Like signed artwork, or private openings, things I'd want anyways. And it's a good way for artists to raise money. I'm all about supporting artists.

Depending on the medical treatment, I don't roll my eyes too hard. My mom's been sick, I know that shit happens when you lease expect it. She ran out of health insurance (WTF? I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened), exhausted her benefits at work, and was draining her savings. It was hard. But IVF/boob job/lipo, bitch please save your own damn money.

Adoption no. Not ever. Because I happen to know about the foster system. From which you can adopt from. No it won't be a brand new fresh from the vagina baby. But it will be a child who needs a home and love and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars to adopt. My FSIL was adopt via this method, cost a grand total of $800. And she's fantastic.

Wedding, again no. A big wedding is not something you need and it does not benefit the community. Go small or save. GFM for a big to do wedding just makes you a dick head. Honestly, I'd rather donate to GFM for a car or a house then for a big wedding. At least a car or house is useful.

I used to work in foster care. In the state I worked in foster to adopt was free. Well, you might have to pay the lawyer but once the adoption was finalized the state would reimburse you for those fees. Also, in some cases the child was still eligible for a monthly stipend to provide for their care until their 18th birthday.

And sometimes it is a brand new baby. It's rare and there's a good chance the baby is addicted but it can happen.

Yeah in our state it's some admin fee or something. The website says it's usually refundable and mentions the possible stipend. I'm not sure about FFILs getting refunded or if they get the stipend because that would fall into not my business. And FSIL was a baby...but older I think...9 or 10 months old? Can't remember now would have to do actual math and that's just not gonna happen.

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

mysticl said:

MagicInk said:

Honestly for me, a lot of it is how you present your cause. Let me know it's there and let me make my own decisions, then I'm good with it. Pester the shit out of me and you're a rude bitch.

I've had friends do various campaigns for artistic endeavors and I've donated then sometimes. They usually do pretty good "gifts" for contributions. Like signed artwork, or private openings, things I'd want anyways. And it's a good way for artists to raise money. I'm all about supporting artists.

Depending on the medical treatment, I don't roll my eyes too hard. My mom's been sick, I know that shit happens when you lease expect it. She ran out of health insurance (WTF? I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened), exhausted her benefits at work, and was draining her savings. It was hard. But IVF/boob job/lipo, bitch please save your own damn money.

Adoption no. Not ever. Because I happen to know about the foster system. From which you can adopt from. No it won't be a brand new fresh from the vagina baby. But it will be a child who needs a home and love and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars to adopt. My FSIL was adopt via this method, cost a grand total of $800. And she's fantastic.

Wedding, again no. A big wedding is not something you need and it does not benefit the community. Go small or save. GFM for a big to do wedding just makes you a dick head. Honestly, I'd rather donate to GFM for a car or a house then for a big wedding. At least a car or house is useful.

I used to work in foster care. In the state I worked in foster to adopt was free. Well, you might have to pay the lawyer but once the adoption was finalized the state would reimburse you for those fees. Also, in some cases the child was still eligible for a monthly stipend to provide for their care until their 18th birthday.

And sometimes it is a brand new baby. It's rare and there's a good chance the baby is addicted but it can happen.

As someone who is actively talking to my husband about our options (IVF, adoption, fostering) because I can't have kids, I can say this is a really really personal choice that has so many diferent layers to it. For instance, I've known that I can't have children since I was 11 so I am totally comfortable with fostering/adoption because I've had years and years to think about it. I learned about it so early in life, so it literally just became part of my identity and how I put my life-plan together. I'm also a trained counselor so I feel like I have the skills to be able to work with foster youth who have been through alot. I have a real passion for this, in fact, and would love to help.

My husband on the other hand, who grew up assuming his wife would be able to have children until I told him otherwise six months into our relationship (way before we got engaged), is still really connected to the idea of having a child who is part him. I can't blame him for that. Not that he isn't going to love/be an amazing father to whatever child enters our lives, but I can understand why he is processing this decision differently than I am at this point.

Anyway, sorry if this was a little rambly. These are just really complex decisions and I am also fascinated when this topic comes up. Thanks so much for sharing!

mysticl · May 2014

SapphireCounselor said:

mysticl said:

MagicInk said:

Honestly for me, a lot of it is how you present your cause. Let me know it's there and let me make my own decisions, then I'm good with it. Pester the shit out of me and you're a rude bitch.

I've had friends do various campaigns for artistic endeavors and I've donated then sometimes. They usually do pretty good "gifts" for contributions. Like signed artwork, or private openings, things I'd want anyways. And it's a good way for artists to raise money. I'm all about supporting artists.

Depending on the medical treatment, I don't roll my eyes too hard. My mom's been sick, I know that shit happens when you lease expect it. She ran out of health insurance (WTF? I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened), exhausted her benefits at work, and was draining her savings. It was hard. But IVF/boob job/lipo, bitch please save your own damn money.

Adoption no. Not ever. Because I happen to know about the foster system. From which you can adopt from. No it won't be a brand new fresh from the vagina baby. But it will be a child who needs a home and love and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars to adopt. My FSIL was adopt via this method, cost a grand total of $800. And she's fantastic.

Wedding, again no. A big wedding is not something you need and it does not benefit the community. Go small or save. GFM for a big to do wedding just makes you a dick head. Honestly, I'd rather donate to GFM for a car or a house then for a big wedding. At least a car or house is useful.

I used to work in foster care. In the state I worked in foster to adopt was free. Well, you might have to pay the lawyer but once the adoption was finalized the state would reimburse you for those fees. Also, in some cases the child was still eligible for a monthly stipend to provide for their care until their 18th birthday.

And sometimes it is a brand new baby. It's rare and there's a good chance the baby is addicted but it can happen.

As someone who is actively talking to my husband about our options (IVF, adoption, fostering) because I can't have kids, I can say this is a really really personal choice that has so many diferent layers to it. For instance, I've known that I can't have children since I was 11 so I am totally comfortable with fostering/adoption because I've had years and years to think about it. I learned about it so early in life, so it literally just became part of my identity and how I put my life-plan together. I'm also a trained counselor so I feel like I have the skills to be able to work with foster youth who have been through alot. I have a real passion for this, in fact, and would love to help.
My husband on the other hand, who grew up assuming his wife would be able to have children until I told him otherwise six months into our relationship (way before we got engaged), is still really connected to the idea of having a child who is part him. I can't blame him for that. Not that he isn't going to love/be an amazing father to whatever child enters our lives, but I can understand why he is processing this decision differently than I am at this point.
Anyway, sorry if this was a little rambly. These are just really complex decisions and I am also fascinated when this topic comes up. Thanks so much for sharing!

Something you may want to consider is signing up for an information session or orientation with a foster care agency. It's the best way to find out about the process. We used to have people come to orientation that didn't participate in that round of training. Some we scared off for good. Others just needed time to think about it and would joint a later training class. You're in the field so you have somewhat of a clue about what it will be like, your husband though would really benefit from hearing about it from the "pros".

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

mysticl said:

SapphireCounselor said:

mysticl said:

MagicInk said:

Honestly for me, a lot of it is how you present your cause. Let me know it's there and let me make my own decisions, then I'm good with it. Pester the shit out of me and you're a rude bitch.

I've had friends do various campaigns for artistic endeavors and I've donated then sometimes. They usually do pretty good "gifts" for contributions. Like signed artwork, or private openings, things I'd want anyways. And it's a good way for artists to raise money. I'm all about supporting artists.

Depending on the medical treatment, I don't roll my eyes too hard. My mom's been sick, I know that shit happens when you lease expect it. She ran out of health insurance (WTF? I didn't even know that was a thing until it happened), exhausted her benefits at work, and was draining her savings. It was hard. But IVF/boob job/lipo, bitch please save your own damn money.

Adoption no. Not ever. Because I happen to know about the foster system. From which you can adopt from. No it won't be a brand new fresh from the vagina baby. But it will be a child who needs a home and love and it doesn't cost thousands of dollars to adopt. My FSIL was adopt via this method, cost a grand total of $800. And she's fantastic.

Wedding, again no. A big wedding is not something you need and it does not benefit the community. Go small or save. GFM for a big to do wedding just makes you a dick head. Honestly, I'd rather donate to GFM for a car or a house then for a big wedding. At least a car or house is useful.

I used to work in foster care. In the state I worked in foster to adopt was free. Well, you might have to pay the lawyer but once the adoption was finalized the state would reimburse you for those fees. Also, in some cases the child was still eligible for a monthly stipend to provide for their care until their 18th birthday.

And sometimes it is a brand new baby. It's rare and there's a good chance the baby is addicted but it can happen.

As someone who is actively talking to my husband about our options (IVF, adoption, fostering) because I can't have kids, I can say this is a really really personal choice that has so many diferent layers to it. For instance, I've known that I can't have children since I was 11 so I am totally comfortable with fostering/adoption because I've had years and years to think about it. I learned about it so early in life, so it literally just became part of my identity and how I put my life-plan together. I'm also a trained counselor so I feel like I have the skills to be able to work with foster youth who have been through alot. I have a real passion for this, in fact, and would love to help.
My husband on the other hand, who grew up assuming his wife would be able to have children until I told him otherwise six months into our relationship (way before we got engaged), is still really connected to the idea of having a child who is part him. I can't blame him for that. Not that he isn't going to love/be an amazing father to whatever child enters our lives, but I can understand why he is processing this decision differently than I am at this point.
Anyway, sorry if this was a little rambly. These are just really complex decisions and I am also fascinated when this topic comes up. Thanks so much for sharing!

Something you may want to consider is signing up for an information session or orientation with a foster care agency. It's the best way to find out about the process. We used to have people come to orientation that didn't participate in that round of training. Some we scared off for good. Others just needed time to think about it and would joint a later training class. You're in the field so you have somewhat of a clue about what it will be like, your husband though would really benefit from hearing about it from the "pros".

We will definately do this! Luckily my husband's family does have experience with adoption, so the concept isn't completely foreign to him. But neither of us have direct experience with fostering, obviously. As a credentialed school counselor, I know a little bit about it, but certainly have a lot more to learn. It will be great for us to learn as much information as we can about everything and then decide from there.

ETA typos

mysticl · May 2014

@SapphireCounselor There is an adoption board over on the bump. It's an incredibly supportive board and the woman on there have a ton of different experiences (domestic, foster/adopt, international) to share. I pop in sometimes to give foster care answers. I'm not in the field anymore but it's just who I am.

SapphireCounselor · May 2014

mysticl said:

@SapphireCounselor There is an adoption board over on the bump. It's an incredibly supportive board and the woman on there have a ton of different experiences (domestic, foster/adopt, international) to share. I pop in sometimes to give foster care answers. I'm not in the field anymore but it's just who I am.

I've been over there just to lurk. It is a great board!

MobKaz · May 2014

I will never understand how begging became en vogue, nor will I understand how people can be comfortable asking for money. Personal responsibility is dying a rapid death.

I will always donate my time, talents, or finances freely when someone I know is in need. I have driven people to appointments, brought relatives into my home to care for them, gifted groceries/grocery cards, or prepared meals when needed, cleaned homes for those who couldn't.....ready, willing, and able to do what I can, when I can.

Donate cash simply because a hand is out? Nope. I have seen too many times such "funds" and other charitable acts taken for granted and taken advantage of. My school rallied and teachers donated sick days to a staff member who lost her child to cancer. The days were meant to give her the time she needed to grieve prior to returning to work. She and her husband took several vacations with those sick days. Shame on us.

lovesclimbing · May 2014

I don't like GoFundMe, or asking for money in general, in almost any situation.

Extreme medical expenses because of something unexpected? Sometimes. However, I would probably never ask for myself. I know someone who my parents gave money to a few years back, and it was actually their church that asked on behalf of them if anyone was willing to give. No guilt trips or anything involved.

I would give money to an adoption, if I knew the couple well, but not for IVF. I hope I don't get flamed for this, but I feel that IVF is having a kid because you want a child (which is a perfectly legitimate reason), while adoption is because you want a child, but you're also giving a child a chance at a good life, who otherwise would probably have a very poor life.

Re: adoptions are free if you foster to adopt.

That doesn't always work. My H has two siblings who are adopted from another country. His parents tried to adopt children here. Three times, they got children through fostering to adopt, but each time, the mom ended up wanting the child back and getting the child back. After the third time, his parents decided they could not do that anymore. It was extremely painful for them to get a child, grow attached to that child and then a month or two later, the child get taken back. So they decided to go overseas. (They did not ask for money. They had enough money to do it.)

mysticl · May 2014

lovesclimbing said:

I don't like GoFundMe, or asking for money in general, in almost any situation.

Extreme medical expenses because of something unexpected? Sometimes. However, I would probably never ask for myself. I know someone who my parents gave money to a few years back, and it was actually their church that asked on behalf of them if anyone was willing to give. No guilt trips or anything involved.

I would give money to an adoption, if I knew the couple well, but not for IVF. I hope I don't get flamed for this, but I feel that IVF is having a kid because you want a child (which is a perfectly legitimate reason), while adoption is because you want a child, but you're also giving a child a chance at a good life, who otherwise would probably have a very poor life.

Re: adoptions are free if you foster to adopt.

That doesn't always work. My H has two siblings who are adopted from another country. His parents tried to adopt children here. Three times, they got children through fostering to adopt, but each time, the mom ended up wanting the child back and getting the child back. After the third time, his parents decided they could not do that anymore. It was extremely painful for them to get a child, grow attached to that child and then a month or two later, the child get taken back. So they decided to go overseas. (They did not ask for money. They had enough money to do it.)

Their situation has nothing to do with it being free. No, fostering does not always lead to adoption. In those specific cases if the mother was able to get the kids back those children were not legally free to be adopted and that should have been made clear to the foster parents at the time of placement. The child leaving to go somewhere is part of foster care. The first goal is almost always to return the child to their biological parents. We never, ever guaranteed parents an adoption.

lovesclimbing · May 2014

mysticl said:

lovesclimbing said:

I don't like GoFundMe, or asking for money in general, in almost any situation.

Extreme medical expenses because of something unexpected? Sometimes. However, I would probably never ask for myself. I know someone who my parents gave money to a few years back, and it was actually their church that asked on behalf of them if anyone was willing to give. No guilt trips or anything involved.

I would give money to an adoption, if I knew the couple well, but not for IVF. I hope I don't get flamed for this, but I feel that IVF is having a kid because you want a child (which is a perfectly legitimate reason), while adoption is because you want a child, but you're also giving a child a chance at a good life, who otherwise would probably have a very poor life.

Re: adoptions are free if you foster to adopt.

That doesn't always work. My H has two siblings who are adopted from another country. His parents tried to adopt children here. Three times, they got children through fostering to adopt, but each time, the mom ended up wanting the child back and getting the child back. After the third time, his parents decided they could not do that anymore. It was extremely painful for them to get a child, grow attached to that child and then a month or two later, the child get taken back. So they decided to go overseas. (They did not ask for money. They had enough money to do it.)

Their situation has nothing to do with it being free. No, fostering does not always lead to adoption. In those specific cases if the mother was able to get the kids back those children were not legally free to be adopted and that should have been made clear to the foster parents at the time of placement. The child leaving to go somewhere is part of foster care. The first goal is almost always to return the child to their biological parents. We never, ever guaranteed parents an adoption.

You're right about that having nothing to do with it being free. I was just saying adopting within the states doesn't always work out. They could have tried again and again, I suppose, but it got really painful for them.

FiancB · May 2014

I also get annoyed with begging for IVF or, in particular, adoption fees. My nephew was adopted through foster care and it cost next to nothing.

Maggie, I could ask every relative and max out every card and take out every loan and still not have the money to pay for some procedures for my imaginary sick kid. Some cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

When is GoFundMe okay?

Re: When is GoFundMe okay?

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