3 weeks before weddig...BM gown doesnt fit! Advice?

erinlin25 · April 2014

if she cannot get a different size or alterations, just let her get a different dress and call her your "matron of honor" since she is married. Your sister can still be the main MOH and tell your sister to chill it is just a title in the program. The different dresses will not look bad and the different title will not draw too many questions. The last thing your friend wants people talking about is she is in a different dress because she gained weight.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Just want to remind everyone that the OP doesn't care if her BM wears a different dress or has to alter her current dress to look different then everyone else to be able to fit into it. It is the BM who has an issue with wearing a different dress.

KickAssMOH · April 2014

Having been that weight-gaining bridesmaid before, I can tell you it sucks. I handled it differently than your friend did because at the end of the day it is the bridesmaid's job to figure out their size when they order a dress and make sure it fits when they get it. When my dress wouldn't zip (by like...4 inches....ugh) I sought out extra fabric, had a seamstress sew a panel in to the back of my dress, told the bride what I was doing, and it was all fine. I felt like it was my own responsibility to solve the problem I caused with my own dress and sizing, and I'm sorry that your friend is putting it on you. Maybe she really just wants to make you happy. I don't think any of this means you should kick her out or she wants to get a way out of your WP.

If you don't want her dress to look much different, then just have the panel sewn into the back. It can be done within a week. You can find the extra fabric by buying the same dress second-hand in any size, or by buying another dress of any type in the same color and material. A corset-back probably looks more put-together than adding a panel of extra fabric but any good seamstress could make either of those situations work.

jneen101 · April 2014

What are some examples of alternate titles you were thinking of?

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Just want to remind everyone that the OP doesn't care if her BM wears a different dress or has to alter her current dress to look different then everyone else to be able to fit into it. It is the BM who has an issue with wearing a different dress.

Yea, I recognize that.

I was responding to the person who I quoted.

mysticl · April 2014

LAM524 said:

Thanks all-this is why I love you guys!!!! The reason I was thinking different title was because she said she wasnt the MOH and will be listed as BM, so she cant look different. I thought different title-different gown-she would feel its acceptable and be more comfortable. Oh wel! My next thought was-off the rack gown!

I do recognize she feels uncomfortable with her weight and did have many heart to hearts with her...non wedding relating...trying to build her up. This morning, I spoke with her after she text that she is angry and upset with herself and worried about gown not working out. I told her that I understand her and if she felt she wanted to step down, I would totally understand but first things first and advised she go ASAP. She INSISTS that she wants to stand up with me/us. We are very close and I believe her. Also, her husband and 3 children are in it, and I know she wants to have this experience with them also.

@delujmo...she started a new-wonderful job supervising children in foster care during visitations with family members. She also picks them up/drop them off..and brings them to doctors appts etc. So she is literally sitting all day...and driving all day. She started eating/snacking during the car rides which can be 3 hrs at one trip (round). She did know she gained weight and that is exactly why she avoided putting it on! Avoidance! (I actually was nervous because the gain is very obvious in her gut area). Actually, I dont know how long she would have waited. When I found out I urged her to bite the bullet and try it on.

@HisGirlFriday13..there are 7 BM's. Great idea in asking one to switch but I'd have to ask more then one and I know they would but I simply just can not afford to purchase them at this point. Ugh! I just feel so bad for her. I know what that feels like!

I used to have that job. You sit on your rear end all day, you work weird hours, meals are on the go and usually from whatever drive-in is on your route. If you have time to eat. Otherwise you go all day without eating and by the time you get home you are so exhausted you just make whatever is easy and eat way to0 much because you are starving. I gained a lot of weight on that job. It also makes it difficult to maintain any kind of exercise routine.

RebeccaB88 · May 2014

You know, we tell brides all the time that their bridesmaids have one job and one job only - to obtain the agreed upon clothing and show up wearing it on time for the wedding. This bridesmaid has done part of the job (getting the dress), therefore, it's her job to make it wearable in time for the wedding. Adding panels, letting out seams, adding a corset back, purchasing a new dress, all acceptable ways to accomplish the last part of the requirement. This is no one's responsibility but the bridesmaid's, and the bridesmaid has known for several months that she needed to try on the dress to make sure it fit. She chose not to, maybe because she had a feeling there would be a problem and just didn't want to deal with it (the Ostrich Approach never really works out well). Regardless, if she can't show up in the right clothing at the agreed upon time, she has, by her own actions, taken herself out of the wedding party. We tell brides this every day. It applies now.

Now, if the bride and maid agree to change what's required of her so that she can still stand up in the wedding, no problem. However they want to handle that is fine and appropriate. But it's also appropriate to tell the maid that she needs to figure out the problem for herself by the wedding day, so that she can show up in the right dress. It's not being a bad friend to expect your friend to hold up their end of the deal. If the bride truly doesn't care and says to wear anything, that's great, but it's no reason to accuse someone who doesn't want to do that of not caring about anyone. She's simply standing by their original agreement.

Either way you choose to handle it, both should be equally right. The bridesmaid has known her responsibility for months. It's not unfair to expect her to meet that.

SP29 · May 2014

You (well she) could call up the dress store where you got the dress from and see if they have her current size in your colour that she could buy off the rack.

Otherwise I think you've said all you can say. Going to a seamstress ASAP is needed, but it's up to her to do that. I would only encourage her that you don't care how the dress is altered as long as she feels comfortable in it and you don't care if she shows up in a completely different dress- you choose her because she is your friend. The rest is up to her.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Just want to remind everyone that the OP doesn't care if her BM wears a different dress or has to alter her current dress to look different then everyone else to be able to fit into it. It is the BM who has an issue with wearing a different dress.

Yea, I recognize that. I was responding to the person who I quoted.

This wasn't directed at anyone in particular. I have just been reading through this thread and I think people are getting confused that it is the BM that doesn't want the dress to look different, not the bride. I felt it was necessary to reiterate so the bride isn't getting shit on for this, because in the end this is all on her BM.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

It sounds as though "M" is married with kids which means she could be your Matron of Honor - that way she can still be a part of your wedding party and feel more comfortable buying and wearing a dress that looks different than the other bridesmaids. Best of luck, and she's very lucky to have such a caring and empathic friend like you!!

MBenza · May 2014

As a future bride and even sooner bridesmaid in TWO weddings.....I would like to point out how horribly rude it is to have a dress for two months and NOT try it on until three weeks before!! Brides are under enough stress, a bridesmaids dress should really be one of the last things on their minds....shame on her.....

donnafay08 · May 2014

Im sorry if this suggestion has already been made. Does someone maybe have a dress that was TOO BIG on them that she could switch with? That happened for me. My sister needed a two but her dress was a 4. My sister in law to be needed a 4, but got a two. Maybe that suggestion will help. Best of luck!

cici+lavel · May 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

pinkshorts27 said:

theexactlee said:

I realize I am new here and you guys are going to find out I'm super laid back about this stuff. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm old (not that old 33 y/o). However this particular matter is one where I am apparently an a-hole. I'm a fat girl, I just am. My weight constantly fluctuates due to medication. I can be 40+ bigger and smaller at any point and quickly at that. If I were a bridesmaid I would absolutely purchase a size or maybe 2 up so that it could be altered down if necessary.

IMHO this wonderful friend has unfortunately earned herself a ticket into the audience. You can't have one bridesmaid in a different dress than everyone else, that will look quite odd. I think it is time to have a heart to heart and tell her that while you love her very much, she made a poor decision and you'd love to honor her in a different way and then maybe take a few special pictures with her where you pay for them and have one framed as a gift. Or something. I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Who the fuck cares if she is wearing a different dress. Your BMs are not chosen to wear a fucking dress. They are chosen because they are your nearest and dearest and you want them to stand up for you. That is the purpose of a bridal party. Not matching dresses, not gender, not even sides. Let the friend wear whatever the fuck she wants and support her because she is your friend and it wasn't an intentional dis at the bride. Shit happens. Be an understanding and caring friend.

Damn, I told all my girls to get navy floor length dresses and if one showed up in a shorter dress or different color, my parents would have a heart attack, but I would still let her stand up with me. Each and every one of these girls is there because I love them and they support my FI and I. Why the fuck would I get hung up on what she is wearing? It affects me in no way.

Exactly. Most if not all of my BMs, will probably be in a different dress than the next because I just gave them colors and a length and said "Have at it!" These ladies are all different heights, weights, and ages and there was no way a single dress style would look flattering on everybody. My main concern for my BM's is that they are comfortable in their dress and they feel like they look like a million bucks.

Mismatched BMs are becoming a trend and it's nice because I was never a fan of the Stepford BM look.

@LAM524, I will reiterate what has been said a few times already. This isn't something for you to worry about, so just let your friend figure it out. Give her the option to purchases a new dress in the same or a similar color that fits, but then leave it at that. If she wants to go to a seamstress to discuss alterations, try to find a bigger used dress on Ebay, etc. that's all on her.

I did the SAME thing. Ultimately their the one's wasting their money on a dress for one day. So I figured, as long as you're in my color scheme and the dresses are knee length...What the hell! They might as well get something they like.
I don't really think it'll be a big deal if she has a corset back. Their totally in style and she could always jokingly tell anyone who's a big enough a-hole to ask that she wanted to look better than the rest of the BMs...no harm, no foul.

jacqueandcory · May 2014

Ok, I've been in this situation before with bridesmaids. People do have more then one maid of honor. Or matron if married. So that's completely acceptable. If your sister isn't ok with it here is what I would suggest. Check with the other bridesmaids and see if any if them have a dress closer to her size. Sometimes spanks can get you down a full size so it may not need to be as big as you think. If that doesn't work try used sites. eBay, Amazon ,tradesy. There are a few others that are just on the tip of my tongue that are especially for used wedding stuff.

sarahmanzanares · May 2014

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rajahmd · May 2014

@KnotPorscha, vendor alert.

Inkdancer · May 2014

@KnotPorscha Vendor.

@sarahmanzanares You're not allowed to advertise on the forums.

TaraMcK81 · May 2014

As a Bride myself, I have 5 girls in my wedding party. All of them are different sizes & different heights. I also know from being in many weddings that not everyone can pull off a certain style of dress - especially if the dress itself is only available in certain sizes.The most important thing is that your BM's are standing up with you because they mean the world to you...not because they fit into a certain dress!

My 5 BM's are choosing their own dresses - as long as they are the same color & by the same designer. Beauty is on the inside - not just the outside! They will feel comfortable and confident in what they choose. To me, my BM's are all beautiful....for who they are not what they look like!

charlirachel · May 2014

Is your sister married? Because it is totally acceptable to have a Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor - you said M was married.

Just a thought.

phira · May 2014

If her dress doesn't fit AND she (the bridesmaid) does not want to wear a different dress AND she does not want to rush order the dress in a new size AND she does not want to take the current dress to a seamstress to see (in person) what can be done ...

Then there's nothing you can do. So just let her decide what she wants to do, and then whatever.

Granted, I know there's a shitload going on in your life right now, and that this might not even end up mattering. *hugs*

cathysaurus · May 2014

This happened to a bridemaid at my sister's wedding, who ordered the dress a size smaller intending to lose weight...who then found a few pounds instead. I fondly remember the day of, all the bridesmaids lacing her as tightly as possible into a shaper under the dress and then lacing her into the dress itself.

It sounds like no matter what she does, this BM is going to have a slightly different dress, whether that's a gently used dress in a similar style color or a new off-the rack as close as you can find to this one, so she might as well go with adapting it to the corset-back. It'll give her flexibility in case her weight fluctuates in either direction between then and now as well.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

@inkdancer thanks!

Halli620 · May 2014

Why on earth would she need a "title" to wear a different dress?? All of my bridesmaids are wearing different dresses. I gave them several choices in the same color and fabric and wanted them to pick one that they will hopefully wear again, not just this one time, and of my 9 bridesmaids, two will have straps and a v-neck, two will have thinner straps with a different v-neck, two will have one-shoulder, and three will have (all 3) different strapless dresses. You already have your MOH in a different dress, and any dress in the same color as the other girls would look lovely.

Additionally, the corset back sounds like an excellent idea if a seamstress says it will work, and I can't fathom why your friend would say no to this or that it would look "too different" from the other bridesmaids. From their back? Who in the world cares?

It sounds like you made excellent suggestions for altering the existing dress, and if it can't be done or if for some reason she refuses to, I can't fathom why you would think that a "title" would be "needed" for a different dress, or why either of you would make the idea of a different dress into any sort of an issue like that. You picked these girls for your bridesmaids because of who they are, not because of their dresses. Like some other posts said, if your friend is making such a big deal about not wearing a different dress or even putting in alterations like a corset back (if a seamstress says that would work), she must not be comfortable being a bridesmaid for other reasons.

Killingfrost · May 2014

Well do you have a matron of honor? You said she's married. So she can't technically be a maid of honor but she can be the matron of honor (I wouldn't think it would hurt the maids feelings any).

LDay2014 · May 2014

Killingfrost said:

Well do you have a matron of honor? You said she's married. So she can't technically be a maid of honor but she can be the matron of honor (I wouldn't think it would hurt the maids feelings any).

Personally, no matter how you slice it you're giving her a 'title' that she otherwise wouldn't have simply because her dress doesn't fit.

I'm sorry, but my MOH is my BEST friend for the past 25 years and because she has stood by me through all of the things in my life I am HONOURED to have her stand beside me. She is not just a close friend to me. MOH actually means something, and it doesn't mean a fake title because a dress was too small.

MJandSteena · May 2014

If she does end up getting a different dress and you want to change the title make her the matron of honor since she is married. I have two very close friends and it was hard for me to choose who was going to be my MOH but since one was married the choice kind of made itself. Good luck!!

Emmyghoul · May 2014

I was a "bad bm" last year at my friends wedding. She told me the gown to order and I waited too long. All that was left was a size smaller (I wish!) or 5 sizes bigger (not an exaggeration) I needed a 14 and there were 12s the. 24s. Luckily, I'm short and the dresses were floor length, so the seamstress cut the bottom off and added panels (hey, it needed 6inches hemmed anyways!) the seamstress told me that was a smarter plan than buying the 24 and it warping when being taken in. Another bm was too tall for that option and had the back corseted. Both of our dresses were slightly different from the rest, but the bride was happy, and we looked much better in the pictures on dresses that fit right. I'm sure you will come up with a good way around it... Hey- if you corset it, maybe there's a shall or scarf you could get all the girls as a gift that could cover the back so no one sees a thing that's different till you're all dancing at the reception?

Opal Luna · May 2014

What about adding a wrap to all the bridesmaids? Then the corset back won't show up and no one but you two will know about it.

3 weeks before weddig...BM gown doesnt fit! Advice?

Re: 3 weeks before weddig...BM gown doesnt fit! Advice?

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