Wedding Etiquette Forum

need opinions - FBIL's DW - 2 months after ours - we can't afford it

2

Re: need opinions - FBIL's DW - 2 months after ours - we can't afford it

  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We didn't really check with VIPs exactly. When we announced our engagement, the number one question people had was when we were planning on getting married. We have mostly local guests, we're getting married on a Sunday afternoon (so local people don't have to take Monday off in order to attend), mentioned the date to VIPs before we booked the venue, and sent save-the-dates.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • Its would have been reasonable for your FBIL to check with your FI before picking a date. If you have your leave accounted for this year and your money for your wedding and honeymoon that's also all you can do. I'd continue with the plans I already have made.

    I would have liked my wedding to be in September or October but my FI's best friend can't take time off work then. So we moved it to mid-November do he can come. It turned out to be the best choice as we found out my FSIL is expecting the end of September.

  • ashleyep said:
    What is with people picking a date before they have a venue? I don't get it. Sure you can say "I'd like to have our wedding on this date" but you can't possibly know that any resort has it available.
    Yep, exactly this too.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
  • kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    Really? So if your parents couldn't come, you wouldn't change the date?
  • TeddiD34 said:

    Actually, FBIL hasn't even told FI himself. We both heard it from their dad, and then saw it announced on fb (oh, good ol' fb strikes again).

    So, I guess we have no idea if FI is going to be in this wedding. 


    So you may or may not be invited, but you haven't been consulted. I wouldn't worry about it at this point. If you're doing something major like booking a cruise, then it might be a good idea to say something like "hey, we're thinking of taking a trip on these dates. Is there any reason that would be a problem?" Otherwise, business as usual until you see an invitation directly from the couple. If the date they pick conflicts with something you already have scheduled, well, that's the consequence of their decision not to ask you if there was a time conflict early on. 
  • kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.


    exactly.  


    I think it's common sense that a couple might be strapped for vacation time and/or money a few months from their own wedding to be able to attend a DW.     I'm not talking about a regular in-town, local wedding.  I'm saying a DW or OOT wedding.  t's a fact that DW/OOT weddings cost a guest both vacation time and money.

    If the couple wants brother and OP at their wedding then they should consider they *may* have a problem with spending money and/or taking more time off soon after their own wedding.  

    If they are okay with brother and OP not being there, then that is okay too.   They just can't bitch later on that brother can't come.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    PrettyGirlLost said: kitty8403 said: TeddiD34 said: Hi,My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?I appreciate any input you can give me :)
    annathy03 said: Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.
    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.
    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.   No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.





    *Boxes. Ugh*
    PPs are out of line in assuming that OP is or should have been considered a VIP in the first place. OP admits she doesn't even know for sure that she'll be invited at all. If the brother in law/his FI chose not to ask early in the planning process, then the consequence of that (OP/OP's FI being unable to attend) is on him. Same is true for any other family who just wrapped a wedding and can't afford a DW. In that scenario, OP is well within her rights to say, sorry, we cannot come. She is not within her rights to say that her brother in law should have
    *prioritized* her vacation time and her income, or to hint that not enough time has passed between weddings. At that point, she'll have been a married woman for two months! 

    Most people plan weddings a year or two out. It is insane to argue that people should have to postpone for every little thing. What's reasonable to expect people to adjust timing for? Babies. Weddings or funerals that directly conflict. School schedules. Terminal illness. Military leave, if available.

    Work conflicts, financial concerns, time off? No. You have months to years to get your stuff together and make those arrangements if you wish to attend a particular event. If you can't afford to go, or you don't have time, or you already made plans, etc., then you don't go. But it's unrealistic to expect everyone else to drop everything just to work around you.


  • lyndausvi said:
    kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.


    exactly.  


    I think it's common sense that a couple might be strapped for vacation time and/or money a few months from their own wedding to be able to attend a DW.     I'm not talking about a regular in-town, local wedding.  I'm saying a DW or OOT wedding.  t's a fact that DW/OOT weddings cost a guest both vacation time and money.

    If the couple wants brother and OP at their wedding then they should consider they *may* have a problem with spending money and/or taking more time off soon after their own wedding.  

    If they are okay with brother and OP not being there, then that is okay too.   They just can't bitch later on that brother can't come.
    That's the other thing- shared family and friends that will have just attended the OP's wedding *may* not be able to attend the FBIL's DW wedding since 1) It's so close to the OP's wedding, 2) It's a DW which is way more expensive for guests to attend, and 3) it's in December. . . the same month as Xmas, which may be more of a financial/PTO priority for guests.

    My feeling is that as a couple if you are going to have this laissez-faire, meh whomever can come will come attitude, why not just elope?  I mean, I actually want ppl to attend my wedding, especially my VIPs.  I want to party with them!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    Really? So if your parents couldn't come, you wouldn't change the date?



    I gave my family 13 months' worth of warning. My brother chose, after learning the date, to join the military. He can't get leave for that day. I will miss him, but no, I am not moving my wedding just because a close family member is unable to attend despite lots of advance notice. 
    And no, if my parents could not attend, then that would be unfortunate and they would be missed. If they had sudden financial difficulties, we would do whatever we could to help them make it. But we wouldn't postpone something that had already been in the works for a year without a damned good reason. 


  • kitty8403 said:




    kitty8403 said:


    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)



    annathy03 said:

    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.


    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  

    Really? So if your parents couldn't come, you wouldn't change the date?





    I gave my family 13 months' worth of warning. My brother chose, after learning the date, to join the military. He can't get leave for that day. I will miss him, but no, I am not moving my wedding just because a close family member is unable to attend despite lots of advance notice. 
    And no, if my parents could not attend, then that would be unfortunate and they would be missed. If they had sudden financial difficulties, we would do whatever we could to help them make it. But we wouldn't postpone something that had already been in the works for a year without a damned good reason. 




    Then clearly it depends on your definition of 'damned good reason.'
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    I realize every family is different and not everyone is as close to their parents and siblings as I am. (My parents couldn't afford to come to our wedding, so we paid for their hotel and airfare, even though they said we should just get married without them. Hell to the no.)

    Anyway, normally I'd totally side with the whole "you had time to plan" bunch, but it sounds like the date wasn't announced until just recently. Maybe I misunderstood the OP.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    kitty8403 said:
    kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.





    *Boxes. Ugh*
    PPs are out of line in assuming that OP is or should have been considered a VIP in the first place. OP admits she doesn't even know for sure that she'll be invited at all. If the brother in law/his FI chose not to ask early in the planning process, then the consequence of that (OP/OP's FI being unable to attend) is on him. Same is true for any other family who just wrapped a wedding and can't afford a DW. In that scenario, OP is well within her rights to say, sorry, we cannot come. She is not within her rights to say that her brother in law should have
    *prioritized* her vacation time and her income, or to hint that not enough time has passed between weddings. At that point, she'll have been a married woman for two months! 

    Most people plan weddings a year or two out. It is insane to argue that people should have to postpone for every little thing. What's reasonable to expect people to adjust timing for? Babies. Weddings or funerals that directly conflict. School schedules. Terminal illness. Military leave, if available.

    Work conflicts, financial concerns, time off? No. You have months to years to get your stuff together and make those arrangements if you wish to attend a particular event. If you can't afford to go, or you don't have time, or you already made plans, etc., then you don't go. But it's unrealistic to expect everyone else to drop everything just to work around you.

    1) that is correct.  Although I do happen to put some of my siblings as VIPs so that is not entirely a stretch in some families. 



    2) IN THIS CASE, the OP is getting married in OCTOBER of THIS YEAR.   Rumor has it BIL is looking into having a  DW in DECEMBER of THIS YEAR.  Those are not years away to plan.  Those are only months away.   

    3)  That is also correct.  And I don't get the impression that the OP is saying It"s my wedding months how dare BIL plan his wedding this way.  She is saying like "bummer, I wish we could go, but there isn't enough time or money for us to make a December of this year wedding with her own wedding and honeymoon coming up".






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    lyndausvi said:
    kitty8403 said:
    kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.





    *Boxes. Ugh*
    PPs are out of line in assuming that OP is or should have been considered a VIP in the first place. OP admits she doesn't even know for sure that she'll be invited at all. If the brother in law/his FI chose not to ask early in the planning process, then the consequence of that (OP/OP's FI being unable to attend) is on him. Same is true for any other family who just wrapped a wedding and can't afford a DW. In that scenario, OP is well within her rights to say, sorry, we cannot come. She is not within her rights to say that her brother in law should have
    *prioritized* her vacation time and her income, or to hint that not enough time has passed between weddings. At that point, she'll have been a married woman for two months! 

    Most people plan weddings a year or two out. It is insane to argue that people should have to postpone for every little thing. What's reasonable to expect people to adjust timing for? Babies. Weddings or funerals that directly conflict. School schedules. Terminal illness. Military leave, if available.

    Work conflicts, financial concerns, time off? No. You have months to years to get your stuff together and make those arrangements if you wish to attend a particular event. If you can't afford to go, or you don't have time, or you already made plans, etc., then you don't go. But it's unrealistic to expect everyone else to drop everything just to work around you.

    1) that is correct.  Although I do happen to put some of my siblings as VIPs so that is not entirely a stretch in some families. 



    2) IN THIS CASE, the OP is getting married in OCTOBER of THIS YEAR.   Rumor has it BIL is looking into having a  DW in DECEMBER of THIS YEAR.  Those are not years away to plan.  Those are only months away.   

    3)  That is also correct.  And I don't get the impression that the OP is saying It"s my wedding months how dare BIL plan his wedding this way.  She is saying like "bummer, I wish we could go, but there isn't enough time or money for us to make a December of this year wedding with her own wedding and honeymoon coming up".


    Yeah, I think that's where we differ some on #3. I am reading the original post as sounding upset that others are not being more considerate of how much money and time OP will have spent on her own wedding and factoring that in when booking this other wedding. My point (and maybe it came off too harshly) is that everything OP does related to her wedding is her/her FI's choice. I'm sure they've known about this engagement for awhile. Which means, most likely, they could easily have decided to plan ahead and reserve a couple of days' worth of vacay time for this purpose instead of using it all for wedding/honeymoon. (See your point #2, @lyndausvi.) They opted not to, which is fine. I'm just pointing out that their overall financial/work situation post-wedding is the result of their decisions and no one else's, so it's not reasonable to expect other people to work around that. 

    I agree with the general points about DWs being expensive and that the brother in law would have been wise to consider the overall issue of cost related to family travel, assuming that OP booked and announced her date first. We're dealing with that ourselves (family weddings two months apart, as it turns out).  I also agree that travel in December sucks. But those things are beyond OP's control, so while I can agree that brother in law could have shown more foresight, it doesn't really help the current situation. What she can do, if she wants to go, is continue to make her own plans clear, reconsider her budget, and rethink her vacation plans -- IF they get an invite to this wedding at all. 
  • kitty8403 said:
    TeddiD34 said:

    Hi,

    My FI and I are getting married this October; his brother just announced a DW in December, 2 months after our wedding. We were planning on going on our honeymoon this January. We both will have used up all of our Vacation time with our jobs, from our wedding.

    We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?

    I appreciate any input you can give me :)


    annathy03 said:
    Agree with PPs.  Heck, H and I were originally looking at last October for our wedding and we pushed to April because my sister got pregnant and was due in October.  It was important to us that she be there and there is no way I wouldn't have checked with her before setting a date.

    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    I disagree with some PP comments. 
    FWIW, we asked when other already-engaged family members had weddings scheduled, simply to make sure the dates did not conflict. That was it for VIP consultation. Those who can come, will; those who cannot, won't. As it is, one of my siblings will not make my wedding, because he is serving his country. His decision, not ours. 
    We consistently tell brides that they get one day. Not a week, not a month, and not a wedding year. So the idea that a sibling should have to postpone his wedding to accommodate your spending habits, when it's already a two-month difference, is, frankly, absurd. 
    Now, would it have been nice of them to consider the possibility that you might be cash poor so quickly after your own wedding? Perhaps. Might it have been kind of them to go out of their way to consult you on that subject? Sure. But they aren't obligated to do so, and you are both making choices. They are choosing a DW, which means they might get declines, especially from VIPs on your side of the family. You choose whether or not to take a honeymoon immediately after your wedding. You choose how expensive a wedding to have and how poor you'll be at the end of it. You choose whether or not to spend any money you receive at your own wedding on gifts for yourselves or to save some for other things -- like seeing a close family member get married.
    You both need to own your decisions.  
    *No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.*

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.


    @luckysnorkel said, "If it's at all important to your FBIL that you and FI are there, he needs to move the date."
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    kitty8403 said:
    kitty8403 said:




    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    .  
    *No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.*

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.


    @luckysnorkel said, "If it's at all important to your FBIL that you and FI are there, he needs to move the date."
    I don't see anything wrong with that statement.  

    IF it's important then he will change the date or location of a wedding that has not already been booked, but only 7 months away.     If he is okay with his brother not being there because vacation times have already been made, money, etc.  Then he keeps the same date/location.


    ETA - same could also be said that IF the OP wanted to be there they can make it work. However, it's harder when they have already booked and paid for their own plans. Not sure about their company vacation plans, but some places makes you put in requested at the first of the year. Which might be too late.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    lyndausvi said:
    kitty8403 said:
    kitty8403 said:




    If it's important to your FIs brother that you two be there, he'll have to move it or plan an in-town wedding.  If it isn't important enough to them to do that, then you'll just have to politely decline.

    .  
    *No one said that the OP's FBIL should postpone his wedding.*

    We said that he should have checked with his own brother as to what his availability wold be if the FBIL actually wants/expects his brother to come to his wedding.  We tell everybody this because it's common sense.

    Also, you seem to be minimizing what we and the OP have said to just the spending habits of the OP.  It's more than just what she and her FI can afford to do, it's also the fact that they won't have the PTO days to attend a DW.

    This really has nothing to do with owning decisions.


    @luckysnorkel said, "If it's at all important to your FBIL that you and FI are there, he needs to move the date."
    I don't see anything wrong with that statement.  

    IF it's important then he will change the date or location of a wedding that has not already been booked, but only 7 months away.     If he is okay with his brother not being there because vacation times have already been made, money, etc.  Then he keeps the same date/location.


    ETA - same could also be said that IF the OP wanted to be there they can make it work. However, it's harder when they have already booked and paid for their own plans. Not sure about their company vacation plans, but some places makes you put in requested at the first of the year. Which might be too late.

    Another poster explicitly stated that no one had suggested the brother-in-law should postpone. In fact, it was pretty clearly said earlier in the thread that the second wedding date should be moved if the couple cared about the OP. 
  • *Boxes. Ugh*
    PPs are out of line in assuming that OP is or should have been considered a VIP in the first place. OP admits she doesn't even know for sure that she'll be invited at all. If the brother in law/his FI chose not to ask early in the planning process, then the consequence of that (OP/OP's FI being unable to attend) is on him. Same is true for any other family who just wrapped a wedding and can't afford a DW. In that scenario, OP is well within her rights to say, sorry, we cannot come. She is not within her rights to say that her brother in law should have *prioritized* her vacation time and her income, or to hint that not enough time has passed between weddings. At that point, she'll have been a married woman for two months! 

    Most people plan weddings a year or two out. It is insane to argue that people should have to postpone for every little thing. What's reasonable to expect people to adjust timing for? Babies. Weddings or funerals that directly conflict. School schedules. Terminal illness. Military leave, if available.

    Work conflicts, financial concerns, time off? No. You have months to years to get your stuff together and make those arrangements if you wish to attend a particular event. If you can't afford to go, or you don't have time, or you already made plans, etc., then you don't go. But it's unrealistic to expect everyone else to drop everything just to work around you.




    No one is out of line for expressing an opinion. The OP's FI is the brother, not a 2nd cousin. It's logical to think he might be considered a VIP in most families because he is immediate family. And OP said she didn't know if FBIL was going to ask her FI to be in the wedding, not that she didn't know if they were gonna be invited at all. I think she assumes they will be invited.

    OP didn't say her FBIL should prioritize her income/vacation time. . .That's spin you're putting on her comments. She said "We don't want to look like dicks, but how the heck can FBIL expect that we can afford this/ have time off work for this?" Which is a pretty natural reaction when a family member plans a DW right after your wedding and you already have plans for your time and money.

    One person suggested that FBIL postpone if he wants his brother to be able to attend. . .makes sense to me! Trying to accommodate your sibling if you actually want him at your wedding is hardly every little thing. And the caveat to that statement was *if* the FBIL wants his brother at the wedding then. . . .

    This all has to do with making choices. . .*If* you actually want certain ppl to make your wedding, then you check with them before picking an arbitrary wedding date and booking anything. Thats not unreasonable at all. *If* you aren't concerned with who attends your wedding, then you just pick a date and go with it I guess. But trying to accommodate immediate family is hardly expecting ppl to drop everything and work around you.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    (edit: paragraphs!) It's not spin. The direct implication of the OP's statement is that she thinks the brother in law must be thinking/expecting certain things about her/her FI. Specifically, that he must expect them to be able to afford his wedding and have free time, and that this expectation of his is unreasonable considering all the stuff they are doing for their own wedding. She is unhappy because he is failing to recognize her financial/time constraints. The logical inference is that she expected him to consider her financial/time constraints. But it's quite possible that this is the core problem. I'm inclined to believe that Mr. Brother isn't thinking, period. He isn't expecting anything one way or another, because OP's time/financial concerns are not top priority in the list of scheduling considerations. This is what a lot of commenters on this thread don't seem to get. Each couple chooses their VIPs and the things they are willing to schedule around. Being a family member does not automatically mean you are at the top of the list, or that you'll be invited, or that if something comes up *for you*, the entire event will be postponed or canceled. For us, VIPs were immediate family, engaged relatives, and wedding party. We worked around the known time conflicts presented by already-engaged relatives. Everybody else had more than a year to get their schedules in order. It sounds like this couple gave their family less warning. I agree that they could have done things differently, but again, what the brother in law/his FI do or don't do is beyond OP's control. All she can control is how she chooses to manage her own money and vacation time with the knowledge she currently possesses.
  • "This all has to do with making choices." Yes, it does. And that cuts both ways. 
    She can't control their choices, even if they do appear to be short-sighted. It's perfectly reasonable for her to feel hurt by the lack of consideration for her personal situation. It is not, however, reasonable to assume that this is a deliberate slight. 
    What she can control is her own decisions. If I knew my FI's brother was engaged, but I didn't have a date yet, I would pull a couple vacation days and hold them until I knew the date and had an invite in hand. I would rethink my own wedding expenses so I didn't blow all our spare cash, and if our honeymoon was not already booked, I would consider delaying it. 
  • doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I agree with kitty8403 that it is very presumptuous for PPs to say things like they should have consulted them.  Yes, we tell brides and grooms on here to consult their VIPs before picking a date and booking their venue, but that does not mean that OP and her FI are this couple's VIPs.  They might not even be invited, because the couple has yet to say a word about the wedding to them.  
    image
  • FizzySips said:
    kitty8403 said:
    "This all has to do with making choices." Yes, it does. And that cuts both ways. 
    She can't control their choices, even if they do appear to be short-sighted. It's perfectly reasonable for her to feel hurt by the lack of consideration for her personal situation. It is not, however, reasonable to assume that this is a deliberate slight. 
    What she can control is her own decisions. If I knew my FI's brother was engaged, but I didn't have a date yet, I would pull a couple vacation days and hold them until I knew the date and had an invite in hand. I would rethink my own wedding expenses so I didn't blow all our spare cash, and if our honeymoon was not already booked, I would consider delaying it. 

    You would consider delaying your honeymoon and adjusting how you spend money on your wedding for a sibling who didn't bother to ask your availability and you found out their date on FB??? Why would you show more courtesy than they showed you?
    All depends on how much I wanted to be there.  If it was important to me, then yes...
    Being an adult means making choices and being confident in them.  We may not always like the choices we have to make, but regardless - if I wanted to be there I would change my arrangements.
  • arrippaarrippa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    LDay2014 said:
    FizzySips said:
    kitty8403 said:
    "This all has to do with making choices." Yes, it does. And that cuts both ways. 
    She can't control their choices, even if they do appear to be short-sighted. It's perfectly reasonable for her to feel hurt by the lack of consideration for her personal situation. It is not, however, reasonable to assume that this is a deliberate slight. 
    What she can control is her own decisions. If I knew my FI's brother was engaged, but I didn't have a date yet, I would pull a couple vacation days and hold them until I knew the date and had an invite in hand. I would rethink my own wedding expenses so I didn't blow all our spare cash, and if our honeymoon was not already booked, I would consider delaying it. 

    You would consider delaying your honeymoon and adjusting how you spend money on your wedding for a sibling who didn't bother to ask your availability and you found out their date on FB??? Why would you show more courtesy than they showed you?
    All depends on how much I wanted to be there.  If it was important to me, then yes...
    Being an adult means making choices and being confident in them.  We may not always like the choices we have to make, but regardless - if I wanted to be there I would change my arrangements.

    You can also apply that logic to FBIL. He made his decision to have his DW wedding two months after OP. He may not like the outcome of OP and her FH not showing up to his wedding but he is an adult and needs to realize that his decisions have consequences.
  • arrippa said:
    LDay2014 said:
    FizzySips said:
    kitty8403 said:
    "This all has to do with making choices." Yes, it does. And that cuts both ways. 
    She can't control their choices, even if they do appear to be short-sighted. It's perfectly reasonable for her to feel hurt by the lack of consideration for her personal situation. It is not, however, reasonable to assume that this is a deliberate slight. 
    What she can control is her own decisions. If I knew my FI's brother was engaged, but I didn't have a date yet, I would pull a couple vacation days and hold them until I knew the date and had an invite in hand. I would rethink my own wedding expenses so I didn't blow all our spare cash, and if our honeymoon was not already booked, I would consider delaying it. 

    You would consider delaying your honeymoon and adjusting how you spend money on your wedding for a sibling who didn't bother to ask your availability and you found out their date on FB??? Why would you show more courtesy than they showed you?
    All depends on how much I wanted to be there.  If it was important to me, then yes...
    Being an adult means making choices and being confident in them.  We may not always like the choices we have to make, but regardless - if I wanted to be there I would change my arrangements.

    You can also apply that logic to FBIL. He made his decision to have his DW wedding two months after OP. He may not like the outcome of OP and her FH not showing up to his wedding but he is an adult and needs to realize that his decisions have consequences.
    Exactly the point.  
  • doeydo said:
    I agree with kitty8403 that it is very presumptuous for PPs to say things like they should have consulted them.  Yes, we tell brides and grooms on here to consult their VIPs before picking a date and booking their venue, but that does not mean that OP and her FI are this couple's VIPs.  They might not even be invited, because the couple has yet to say a word about the wedding to them.  
    I don't think it's presumptuous at all.  Seems like most people in this thread consider immediate family- parents, siblings, grandparents- as VIPs.

    When I post my opinions, I don't automatically assume that people are coming from a dysfunctional family where parents or siblings are on the outs, unless that information is specifically mentioned in the OP or in subsequent comments.
    exactly.

    It's funny how people interrupt things.   PrettyGirl and I seem to be on the same page.   We understand there is nothing the OP can do, but we understand why she is hurt.   We also comment on how it could have been avoided IF (and that is the key word IF) the FBIL really wants the OP to be there (which we do not know at this point).  

    Those comments are really directed towards lurkers than the FBIL.   We are basically saying is "look all you  people who have not set dates and locations yet, you might want to think about your VIPs before making any firm plans IF you really want them there" (notice the IF in that statement).

      That does not mean the VIPs opinions count, but a DW 7 months out in DECEMBER only 2 months after another siblings wedding MAY be an issue for some of your guests.     You are not a jerk if you continue with those plans, but you can't be upset if some of what you might consider VIPs can't make it.


    Lucky for me my brother and SIL  DID take into consideration when my parents said they just can't attend and give financial support for a wedding during the next 9 months.  They were tapped out vacation and money wise.    I was tapped out at that point also.   Had they decided on a wedding earlier I would not have been able to attend.   I would have been disappointed, but that's life.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I think it is pretty bad they are having a DW in December, regardless of if they consulted VIPs or not. It is hard for people to travel during the holidays and I know that in December with Christmas coming up I wouldn't be able to afford to go on any trip.
  • Sars06Sars06 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    If someone doesn't consult me about their wedding date, I assume I'm not a VIP and that they won't hold it against me if I can't make it.
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