Update on: Breaking news of coming engagement to BFF

phira · May 2014

Kelani23 said:

bethsmiles said:Wow. I'm sorry but what a bitch. Why are you friends with someone like that?

I've seen so many of my friends get engaged before me and while there might have been momentary twinges of jealousy I was always thrilled for them and there is NO WAY I would ever say such hurtful things to any of my friends, especially my best friend.

We've just stayed friends since high school... more out of loyalty I suppose than anything we have in common anymore - - except for shopping!
I lose touch with most of my friends as the years go by, but this one has hung in there for whatever reason!
For years she's been treated as part of my family since hers really sucks, so she's more like a cousin, but that has not been the case so much since my brother in law entered the picture about 3 years ago - she can't stand him.
I mostly hear bitterness and jealousy in her comments, and feel bad for her.... but I still don't need the negativity, KWIM?!

I have a friend VERY similar to this. I've posted on here before (I think in NEY, but possibly in Wedding Party or Chit Chat or I forget) about a friend of mine from childhood who makes me want to tear my hair out.

Peaseblossom55 · May 2014

Hi and welcome!

Sorry your friend wasn't as happy or excited for you as a friend should be. It took FI 3 1/2 years almost to propose, and we are a bit older too. I had friends who had been together shorter than FI & I were together get engaged before us. It sucked and I would feel upset but I would never be anything but happy and supportive for my friends. Hopefully she will come around...

ShallowSeas · May 2014

GoldenPenguin said:

@leese19‌ - that's really judgmental, honestly. BF & I have been together for over a year & a half, moved in after six months, and have had plenty of experiences together. I'm not saying that we'll never fight, or that we don't ever disagree or bicker, but just because we haven't been together for years and years doesn't make it less valid because we haven't been together long enough to fight. We share the same views on just about anything controversial, and we live together very easily. It just works, and I don't think we need to fight in order to prove that. @Kelani21‌ I'm sorry your friend was a jerk. It sounds like she'll just do anything to avoid being happy for you, and that sucks.

Agreed. FI and I have been together a year and a half and in that amount of time we've had life throw us a ton of curve balls. We moved in together after only 2 months of dating and still managed to live together without ever fighting. I think the fact that we don't fight has a lot to do with how we grew up. FI's parents are still married and still very much in love. His dad treats his mom like a queen. They never fight. Never have. They have had disagreements, but FI can't remember them ever fighting and raising their voices.

I grew up the exact opposite. All my parents did was fight, and because of that I have decided that that is not how I want to live.

Couples who don't fight, don't fight because there is nothing to fight over. FI and I have been able to work everything out without it ever escalating; doesn't mean our relationship is unhealthy because of it and it doesn't have anything to do with the amount of time we've been together.

lavenderfields13 · May 2014

@severmilli12‌ @GoldenPenguin‌ sorry I am not great with words. I didn't mean anyone in particular I just think there sometimes is a period of time that is too short for anything major to come up. Obviously you ladies live with your SOs so there could have been issues to fight over but you haven't. Every relationship is different with the amount of "fights, disagreements, etc" the couple is going to have. This probably doesn't make much sense because its still too early for me to function but I truly didn't mean to offend anyone!

Blackbird230 · May 2014

Ugh @Kelani23, your friend sounds a bit like one of mine who I'm not really close with anymore. I had a friend who I thought at the time was my best friend who had been dating her live in boyfriend for two years and thought he was going to propose soon. Well long story short, he cheated again (the second time. the first she forgave him.) and they broke up.

When it came time for FI and I to get engaged, the excitement just hasn't been there. She's been the "well I'm trying to be honest" type of friend who really is taking her experiences and trying to get me to not live through her mistakes. She'll claim I need to live alone longer or that I'm too young (FI and I are both 22.) Now, her and I just aren't that close because as a couple of PPs touched upon, if she's a real friend, there should be some happiness.

GoldenPenguin · May 2014

severmilli12 said:

GoldenPenguin said:

@leese19‌ - that's really judgmental, honestly. BF & I have been together for over a year & a half, moved in after six months, and have had plenty of experiences together. I'm not saying that we'll never fight, or that we don't ever disagree or bicker, but just because we haven't been together for years and years doesn't make it less valid because we haven't been together long enough to fight. We share the same views on just about anything controversial, and we live together very easily. It just works, and I don't think we need to fight in order to prove that. @Kelani21‌ I'm sorry your friend was a jerk. It sounds like she'll just do anything to avoid being happy for you, and that sucks.

Agreed. FI and I have been together a year and a half and in that amount of time we've had life throw us a ton of curve balls. We moved in together after only 2 months of dating and still managed to live together without ever fighting. I think the fact that we don't fight has a lot to do with how we grew up. FI's parents are still married and still very much in love. His dad treats his mom like a queen. They never fight. Never have. They have had disagreements, but FI can't remember them ever fighting and raising their voices.

I grew up the exact opposite. All my parents did was fight, and because of that I have decided that that is not how I want to live.

Couples who don't fight, don't fight because there is nothing to fight over. FI and I have been able to work everything out without it ever escalating; doesn't mean our relationship is unhealthy because of it and it doesn't have anything to do with the amount of time we've been together.

All of this!! My parents definitely FOUGHT when I was younger, but for the most part, my parents are ridiculously happy, and I have always looked up to their relationship. Same with my grandparents - they've been married for 64 years, and while they snip at each other sometimes, they have an amazing relationship.

Bolded #2 - same, same.

GoldenPenguin · May 2014

@leese19 - I forgot to mention before that I appreciate your clarification

lavenderfields13 · May 2014

@goldenpenguin thanks! I hate feeling like I've offended anyone. My writing skills/articulation have gone downhill since I left high school however many years ago.

I'm kinda jealous of your non fighting actually! Me and FI don't get in crazy fights all the time but we both agree and disagree on a lot of things. We're similar in some ways and very different in others.

GoldenPenguin · May 2014

TwoDimes said:

@GoldenPenguin, I meant to ask, did your friend who may have the ring visit last weekend? Or are they visiting this weekend? I can't remember. But do you think it's coming soon?

I have a stinking suspicion that you are going to get engaged when I'm at the lake next week with no internet and I'll miss the excitement on here!

NO. She's now cancelled on us TWICE with no reschedule date this last time. I've talked to BF about going home to Maine for Memorial Day weekend, and I really wanted to have something to celebrate when we went, but I don't think it will happen before that. Sigh.

luckya23 · May 2014

I'm with you ladies there - I thought mother's day would have been great because I had a brunch at my house with my whole family, and my ring also would have gone so nicely with the dress I'm wearing to my friend's wedding in NC next week!

Alas, there is still no setting :-P

Swazzle · May 2014

TwoDimes said:

GoldenPenguin said:

TwoDimes said:

@GoldenPenguin, I meant to ask, did your friend who may have the ring visit last weekend? Or are they visiting this weekend? I can't remember. But do you think it's coming soon?

I have a stinking suspicion that you are going to get engaged when I'm at the lake next week with no internet and I'll miss the excitement on here!

NO. She's now cancelled on us TWICE with no reschedule date this last time. I've talked to BF about going home to Maine for Memorial Day weekend, and I really wanted to have something to celebrate when we went, but I don't think it will happen before that. Sigh.

That stinks

I was kind of hoping that I'd have something to celebrate too when all of BF's family is in town for his graduation. But he graduates tomorrow morning....

Oh how I love that gif!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dignity100 · May 2014

@TwoDimes -- I too love the gif!! Maybe your BF will ask after he gets done graduating? If not, just enjoy celebrating his graduation with him.

BreMR · May 2014

I also love any GIF that shows Ely not getting what he wants

Dignity100 · May 2014

@TwoDimes :-( Do you want us to all email him and tell him to 'Get on with it' - 'cause you know we will

lmcooper86 · May 2014

@Kelani23 I'm late to this party, but welcome! I'm sorry your friend was a bit of a jerk; hopefully when the proposal comes she'll be able to be happy for you.

High five for Jen Lancaster! She's one of my all-time favorite authors, but I do miss hearing about Maisy

Anyways, welcome and keep drinking wine!

ETF terrible typo

thetimewillcome · May 2014

BreMR said:

I also love any GIF that shows Ely not getting what he wants

This is what I was thinking when I saw that GIF

lilacck28 · May 2014

The "fighting" thing is a pet peeve of mine.

I've been with fiance for about 2 and a half years, lived together for just about 2 years. I used to worry a bit that we never fought, and "everyone" tells you that for it to be a solid/ passionate relationship, there should be fighting! I was really annoyed by those comments, but they also made me second guess an amazing relationship. I had to remind myself the advice I give my best friend all of the time: drama =/= love. I got over that fear that I was "missing something", and I'm so glad to see on here that there are many other relationships like that!

Our only "fight", if you could call it that: I got mad at him once when he didn't show up to an important exhibit of mine until it was basically over, because he was hanging out with friends who were visiting from out of state (which I knew about, but we had talked and based on that my expectation was he would still show up for most of the exhibit). I gave him the silent treatment for about an hour (not on purpose as punishment, I was just hurt and didn't know how to talk to him, since we had never had an issue before), and then we talked about it. I expressed my hurt, and he apologized the whole time. That was our biggest "fight", and it only happened after about 1 and a half years in. And since then, nothing. I suppose every once in a while one of us gets a little, tiny bit, snappish when we're hungry/ tired? But not really.

That "fight" was not necessary to validate our relationship. We didn't fight before that, because we are good at talking to each other about our needs and opinions, and we don't fight now. Isn't that why people say you should fight? To see how you as a couple will handle communication? If you are good at communication, and have communication styles that jive,you can avoid "fights," making them an unnecessary component or test, and its wrong for people to have the notion that fights are necessary and healthy. Being able to voice your opinion is healthy, fighting is not healthy or unhealthy. So,I'm not saying that I think couples who have fights are necessarily bad at communicating, or are not good couples. And when kids come around, or financial difficulties arise, yeah, I bet there will be more stressors (sp? is this a word?) and more disagreements.

BUT, I still hate the "you don't go through real things if you never fight. Your relationship isn't solid until you get past a fight. It's not true love if you never fight. Where is the passion if you never fight?" comments. HATE them. IMO, they're dumb, and make for unhealthy expectations about love and relationships. End rant.

phira · May 2014

I don't think it's so much that never fighting = no passion. And I agree: fighting = love and passion is a really unhealthy belief, given that so many of us have probably been in relationships where there's a lot of stress and fighting and WORK ... because we've been told that relationships take work.

And relationships, even happy, healthy ones, DO take work. But the work isn't horrible, it doesn't result in months of resentment and anger. The relationship isn't always stressful, and neither person is walking on eggshells.

I do think that:

1) Not having fights isn't something to be proud of, any more than having fights is something to be proud of. "We basically never fight" is not a sign that your relationship is better or stronger than a relationship where people have fights. It doesn't mean there are no problems with your relationship, or no conflicts. Often, it just means that the way two people interact means less confrontation.

2) Being able to have a fight, get through it, make up, and solve the problem is an important relationship skill. That doesn't mean if you don't ever fight that you don't have that skill, and I don't think people should incite a fight just so they can practice. But it does mean that if you never fight, or you rarely fight, it's less clear how you will fight, and you have less practice with it.

That might sound sad, but bear with me. J and I fight every few months or so, and because of that, we've figured out several fight patterns. And because of that, we've figured out ways to make our fights shorter, less severe, and more productive.

So, if you never fight, that's not a problem, but I don't think it's really ... well, relevant if you're trying to describe how great your relationship is. And honestly, when "We basically never fight" is spun as a reason for how great your relationship is, it comes packaged with the implication that fighting would make the relationship less awesome. And those of us who DO fight with their significant others aren't really on board with that implication.

GoldenPenguin · May 2014

phira said:

I don't think it's so much that never fighting = no passion. And I agree: fighting = love and passion is a really unhealthy belief, given that so many of us have probably been in relationships where there's a lot of stress and fighting and WORK ... because we've been told that relationships take work.

And relationships, even happy, healthy ones, DO take work. But the work isn't horrible, it doesn't result in months of resentment and anger. The relationship isn't always stressful, and neither person is walking on eggshells.

I do think that:

1) Not having fights isn't something to be proud of, any more than having fights is something to be proud of. "We basically never fight" is not a sign that your relationship is better or stronger than a relationship where people have fights. It doesn't mean there are no problems with your relationship, or no conflicts. Often, it just means that the way two people interact means less confrontation.

2) Being able to have a fight, get through it, make up, and solve the problem is an important relationship skill. That doesn't mean if you don't ever fight that you don't have that skill, and I don't think people should incite a fight just so they can practice. But it does mean that if you never fight, or you rarely fight, it's less clear how you will fight, and you have less practice with it.

That might sound sad, but bear with me. J and I fight every few months or so, and because of that, we've figured out several fight patterns. And because of that, we've figured out ways to make our fights shorter, less severe, and more productive.

So, if you never fight, that's not a problem, but I don't think it's really ... well, relevant if you're trying to describe how great your relationship is. And honestly, when "We basically never fight" is spun as a reason for how great your relationship is, it comes packaged with the implication that fighting would make the relationship less awesome. And those of us who DO fight with their significant others aren't really on board with that implication.

I've always said - Relationships take work, but it shouldn't be HARD work. If it's HARD, it's probably not right. It might not be easy 100% of the time, but if it's harder more often than it's easy, there are probably more issues than it's worth.

I happen to think I have an absolutely amazing relationship with BF. But it's not because we don't fight. That's just how we work. I don't say "we never fight" to make my relationship seem "better," but it is a characteristic of our relationship, so it comes up - especially when people start saying how they don't believe a couple who never fights has a good relationship.

Update on: Breaking news of coming engagement to BFF

Re: Update on: Breaking news of coming engagement to BFF

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