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Snarky Brides
mrsmeaglia
member
help me from losing it on my FMIL
So my inlaws drove us nuts to get engaged. After we got engaged they disengaged from us. They don’t ask about the wedding, don’t offer to help and have contributed nothing (we are funding wedding ourselves). My family hosted a engagement party they initially wouldn’t attend and then after changing their mind and going never thanked my family and they even saw them a week later (and they ignored them then). Ive made up crafting days so my FMIL can have something to be involved in, sent emails detailing their involvement ( rehearsal attendance, dress/tux shopping) etc., and it still isn’t enough as I recently found out they have been gossiping to another family member behind my back. Apparently they are mad they are not planning the wedding as they assumed they would (?) and are upset my FMIL isn’t in the wedding (Fiances mom is passed, FMIL has been in family for 15 years since fiancé was 25). Apparently they have complaints about now walking in the wedding which I thought would make them feel included, are upset my FMIL isn’t coming on my bachelorette (a resort trip and she has a alcohol problem) and routinely call this family member to gossip. The gossip is down to comparing notes on whether everyone got a text message I sent regarding my attire, and what day they are supposed to be at the venue and how we don’t provide information (which we have been over numerous times). I should add my FMIL complains almost every time we are together about the hassle of getting time off for the wedding and purchased a rather outlandish dress alone after I asked seriously 5 times to take her shopping. And lastly when I had a dinner with my bridal party she was upset and complaining about not being invited. My theory is why would I invite you to a dinner where I am asking other people to be part of the bridal party that you are not part of? To me that is rude. Lastly the only thing they have offered to do is assist with a craft item for the wedding. After complaining about how much time it will take her to complete I did 90% and am leaving the “finishing” work for her. So basically it was no help anyways.
Please help Im losing patience.
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Re: help me from losing it on my FMIL
Ignore it. Don't count on any help. Get her a nice corsage for the wedding.
I'm the fuck out.
My future sil told us after we confided in her about the issues and asked if she had advice.
What you ladies are saying is right it's just hard. My parents aren't coming (they don't speak to me) and with my fiancé mom gone I want him to feel supported. My family is very supportive which helps but I don't like seeing him disappointed and me feeling like the bad guy.
This is awful but I was also told that because my FMIL never had kids or a prior wedding she feels like this is "her time." So she is extra complainy because she doesn't get to do all the things (events, decisions) she wants. I think this is shitty considering it would be easy for me to cry in the corner over my parents not wanting to be involved but I'm not.
I'm the fuck out.
Stop listening to your FSIL. She isn't being helpful by stirring you up.
Take FSMIL out to lunch, just the two of you, and ask her what she wants to do about being involved with your wedding. Listen to her. It isn't all about you.
Try to include her if she wants to be included, but don't do anything that makes you feel very uncomfortable.
This lady is likely to be in your life for a long time, and you need to be friends with her.
If I could deal with my nutty MIL, you can deal with this lady, who, by your accounts, has been kind and supportive to your FI.
Hi,
I never said I'm policing her alcohol that would imply I'm telling her to stop etc. I said it makes me uncomfortable which is a fair statement.
Yes I made crafting events because she is into that so she could participate. In sending them emails about the things they are involved in because they have asked. I'm not giving any rules to then in the emails or demands I'm telling them what we would like them to participate in if they want.
If you come here just to be jerky then please leave my forum. It's obvious you didn't read what I said and just want to be inflammatory.
You know I've never gotten a straight answer about what it means to her of my FFIL about what it means to "be in the wedding." She has made numerous snide remarks when asking me about the dress code (which we have talked about at her request a million times) saying " while does it matter what I wear since IM not part of the wedding party? I don't understand her assuming she will just automatically participate in any and all events.
I really appreciate the time you took to respond. Let me ask you this: last night at dinner I again explained to them we would like to have then walk down the isle and do a special dance with each if them so they feel included. I asked them point blank several times if there are any questions about any wedding stuff, and what else they would like to be involved in and it was silence.
I had my maids ask her if she would like to be involved in my shower so she could feel like part of things. While last night my fiancé asked how it's going and she said she has gotten no communication. I said well my MOH said she emailed you. She said ooooh yah, she did. While do save you a long story she never said I'm happy to help, I'm looking forward to it, I had to sit like a bumbling ass and explain that we asked her to help cause we thought it would be fun for her and she does to have to if she isn't interested. Then I explained how the 2 planners work full time and have kids etc. and to be patient and maybe approach j them about what she could help with and it turned into a pissing contest about who is busiest as she felt the need to say she is soooo busy with her job and dog.
Bottom line now my family is offended and I get why because it's like we have to force her to help.
I'm the fuck out.
I'm the fuck out.
While first I really appreciate all the responses.
For the first 1.5 years things were great and I didn't have to pretend. Then the 4 of us went to Hawaii and while I had a fine time they told my FI that I wasn't chummy enough with my FMIL and they were disappointed. While frankly there was no truth to that as I bought her a hat (she forgot hers), scheduled outings for her, bought her $16 nail polish (for ppl with allergies) that she have back saying the color wasn't her taste.
I'm at the point now where I go and participate and interact but it's not enough. I think they read through my nice on the outside cursing you on the inside and wonder why I'm not more "interested." Well I explained to my FI I'm not "interested" because they know little about me because they never ask and I know a LOT about them because I've tried to be genuinely interested. I work in law enforcement and my classmate was killed and I attended the funeral last week which was sobering. You think they said anything to me? No they complained about the road closures and why it's such a long ceremony. So yes at this point it's hard to put my nice face on
I'm the fuck out.
I agree. They don't know what courtesy is. My FI and SIL think that because when I go to their house for dinner/major holidays they will occasionally buy lobster or crab for me (I don't eat meat) or will make gluten free foods. While I agree it's nice they do that I also believe when you have someone over you should make a nice meal for them. I go out of my way to make nice dinners when they come over because it's the right thing to do. Somehow though the fact they make nice dinners has become a huge point when trying to get me to believe they "go out of their way for me."
It's insane things like the above that make them so hard to deal with. Id rather have no special meal and you don't make face and say you don't like my engagement photos (that happened last night), sit silent when I ask if you want to be involved in my shower, or ask what my dreS is like with my FI there!
SORRY I JUST NEED TO VENT!
I'm the fuck out.