Child-free by Choicers

doeydo · May 2014

I am sure we all have people in our lives that feel it is their duty to convince us to have kids or teach us the error of our ways. There's a bingo for that:

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BlackLace2015 · May 2014

I have a TON of friends who are married or in long term relationships with no desire to have kids. Good for them! The planet is overpopulated as it is! LOL

debbeau · May 2014

Being a parent is not for everyone. You are smart to recognize what is best for you. I had a child at 40. It has been a wonderful experience. People gave me grief about having a child "at my age". We did what we wanted and thought was best for us and so should you.

beethery · May 2014

My mom, grandparents, and FILs really want FI and I to have kids.

I am an only child, and the oldest grandchild on my side of the family. FBIL just announced to everyone (including his unsuspecting wife who doesn't share his views on this... which was interesting) that he 100% does not want to have kids. FI's family was a little shocked and disappointed to hear that, not to mention his wife who thought that TTC would be on the agenda in a couple of years.

When anyone asks, I explain to them that if I find out FI and I are both not Cystic Fibrosis (runs in my family) carriers, we will consider having kids. If we are both carriers, we won't have any. My mom was heartbroken at the idea, and has already started suggesting adoption and egg/sperm donors/etc for the future.

If we are both carriers and don't have kids, I don't have any problem with that. I don't feel like my life will be incomplete without children. Sure, if it is feasible, I would love to have them, but it's not going to be my life's regret to do without. For some reason, people have had a difficult time understanding that. They'll learn to deal, or they can mosey.

AddieCake · May 2014

I have an aunt who is child free by choice, and it is so aggravating the things people say to her about how she is "doing it wrong."

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I have a friend who is childfree by choice, and while I respect her views, I am, quite frankly, really over her sanctimonious attitude that 'the only reason people have children is to fulfill a societal expectation. No one could possibly genuinely want children.'

Just because YOU don't doesn't mean the rest of us don't.

beethery · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have a friend who is childfree by choice, and while I respect her views, I am, quite frankly, really over her sanctimonious attitude that 'the only reason people have children is to fulfill a societal expectation. No one could possibly genuinely want children.' Just because YOU don't doesn't mean the rest of us don't.

THIS. I can't understand people with that mindset. Plenty of people have kids because they wanted to, not just because ~society~ expected them to.

jdluvr06 · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I have a friend who is childfree by choice, and while I respect her views, I am, quite frankly, really over her sanctimonious attitude that 'the only reason people have children is to fulfill a societal expectation. No one could possibly genuinely want children.' Just because YOU don't doesn't mean the rest of us don't.

I get that a lot from my child free by choice friends too.

NYCMercedes · May 2014

My three kids are the joy of my life. I never knew love until I had them. That said, if they choose not to have kids, I would feel sorry for them but never, never, never have I or would I ever open my mouth about their reproductive choices.

beethery · May 2014

@NYCMercedes

I don't have kids yet, but I think we are going to agree to disagree. I would be happy to have kids at some point, but I don't feel like I will miss out on knowing love in my life if I don't end up having them. I would not want anyone to feel sorry for me if I choose not to have kids, because there is nothing to feel sorry about.

NYCMercedes · May 2014

@beethery‌ I understand that. What I think I was trying to say was that I experienced such joy and love, that I would hope all individuals could experience the same euphoric joy and love, regardless of the source. You're right. If it's your choice, no, I wouldn't feel sorry for you. It's what you want.

beethery · May 2014

@NYCMercedes, I like you. We good!

phira · May 2014

I think that right now, it's hard for me to feel like the "EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE KIDS" and the "SHUT UP YOU ONLY WANT KIDS BECAUSE OF SOCIETY" sides are equally obnoxious. We live in a culture where people are expected to have children; until it's a real, free choice people can make, instead of a cultural expectation, I find the "You won't know HAPPINESS until you have kids" side to be the more toxic, unfair attitude.

Either way--have kids or don't have kids. Do what you want, and leave other people's choices alone. Wheeee!

ShesSoCold · May 2014

My FI and I also have no intentions of reproducing. It really grinds my gears when people say that shit from the bingo card to me (although no one has ever told me the cancer cure one...hmmmm) but I'd be equally pissed at someone like @hisgirlfriday13 's friend for having the same shitty attitude that you're right no matter what.

The point here goes beyond the topic of having kids or not - it's don't be a sanctimonious asshat.

laurenstlouis · May 2014

I've never wanted children, and luckily FI doesn't want them either. That could change, we're still fairly young (we're on the cusp of our mid-20s) and we're not ruling it out--but at this point, neither of us foresees ever wanting children and we're so okay with that! We're just not really into kids, and I would much rather be an Aunt over a Mom. Unfortunately, FMIL and FI's gma have their hearts dead set on us having children. They always kind of joked about it, but as soon as the ring was on my finger, their first question wasn't "when's the wedding?" but "when are you having your first child?!" And it hasn't stopped; in fact, it gets brought up every single time I see them--which is fairly often, since we live 15 minutes away from each other. When it got brought up on a recent vacation with them, I told them as sweetly and politely as I possibly could that FI and I just really don't want children (and also provided a litany of reasons why even if we did want to have one right now, it just wouldn't be a good idea for us or our hypothetical baby.) FI's gma looked at me like I was absolutely insane and his Mom threw her hands up, turned her back on me and said, "Oh, I can't even talk to you about this right now!" Even FSIL has had to come to my defense a few times and put her foot down to get them to leave me alone about it. I foresee a lifetime of this, or at least until one of FI's sisters has a child. *fingers crossed*

mellowmarshmallow · May 2014

H and I are child free by choice and have gotten all of those questions multiple times in our short 4 year marriage. Usually we handle it pretty we'll, but sometimes I just can't.

I get the "what if your mom had decided not to have kids?" on a regular basis from a few people specifically. Usually, I am graceful about it, but one day I snarked back "what if Hitler/Pol Pot/Stalin's (don't remember which mass murderer I referenced) mother decided not to have kids?" Even that (admitted) rudeness did not stop that question and he has brought it up again since then.

I get the "you would be such a good mom" all the time. I could be good at a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I have to do them.

People who just don't understand our choice usually placate themselves with the notion that we can always adopt WHEN we change our minds. (H is adopted, so we are big supporters of adoption FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT KIDS). I shouldn't have to tell you about H having his vas deferens snipped for you to STFU about my life choices.

In the same line of thought, though, I have a few friends who are pregnant right now and I couldn't be happier for them. They make their choices and I make mine.

ETF formatting

OnceUponAVine · May 2014

My sister and her husband are child-free by choice (and plan to remain that way til the day they die). They are FANTASTIC aunt's and uncle's to the nieces and nephew that they currently have. I know that they are very happy with each other and their choice and I also know that when I have kids they'll be the "cool" aunt and uncle.

Jells2dot0 · May 2014

I'm child free by choice. I totally understand why people would want kids or want to focus on raising a family, but it's certainly not my cup of tea. I had to chuckle at the card because I've heard it all. I certainly do not judge or look down on those in my life who choose to have kids, so I just wish some of those people would return the respect to me.

MyNameIsNot · May 2014

I've gotten all of these multiple times. My own mother has finally calmed down, but now my MIL has started up.

I thought that when my sister got pregnant the rest of my family would calm down, but apparently her current pregnancy is prompting everyone under the sun to start back up again. I spent half of her baby shower defending myself. On top of all this, I now get "but your younger sister is having a baby. Surely you need to hurry up so you can have cousins."

phira · May 2014

The whole, "What if your mom had decided not to have kids?" is almost exactly the same as the anti-choice, "What if your mom had decided to have an abortion?" It's basically like, "Then I wouldn't be here having this conversation with you. What's your point?"

sarahufl · May 2014

I can't wait to start a family. I am really excited about kids. But I think people who chose not to have them are making the right decision. Why would you create another human being if you don't want one? It isn't like you can change your mind after the fact. I think the responsible choice is to do what you want to do, how you want to do it.

Why is nobody else's business.

climbingsingle · May 2014

We were out last night celebrating a friend's birthday. A woman heard we were engaged and congratulated us. A few minutes later, she said, "You're having kids, right?" And I said no. And she said "Oh. That's interesting." and walked away. lol.

I've been told just about everything on that bingo card, including being told that they feel bad for my parents that I'm not having kids.

I try so hard to be respectful of other people's choices. It really sucks when I get judged just because I don't want to have a baby.

Inkdancer · May 2014

Most of my Child-Free friends have told me that when I have kids, they will be happy to hang with them but are happy to never have kids. I am a-okay with that... free babysitting from Auntie Meg!

ShesSoCold · May 2014

It's one thing when people we know are douchey about us not having kids, but I get really salty when strangers are the same way.

A few months ago I had an IUD installed. When the nurse brought me into the room, she very nicely asked me, "So are you done having kids for a while or are you doing this so you don't have a period?" so I told her that I don't think I ever want kids. She goes, "Oh. Uhhh..." and leaves. Then when she came back in with the doctor, she talked about how wonderful her kids were and gifts from god and blah blah blah. Bitch, STFU.

Sugargirl1019 · May 2014

I know you should never ever joke about having a medical condition, but..

You should just reply that you are infertile and unable to conceive.

Jk.

But really, those questions can really really hurt if you DO want kids too. My friend has been trying for three years to get pregnant. Everyone asks, "so when are you having kids?" "Don't you want kids?" "Why don't you have a baby yet?" "You DO want kids don't you?"

And she has been so heartbroken by people. It was hard for her to reply at all, because saying "we try every damn night" is super awkward. But if she does say something along those lines, people shut right up and start feeling sorry for her.

lizandmark2014 · May 2014

Can I just have fur-babies and call it done? Ugh.

lyndausvi · May 2014

We do not have children. Our situation is a little different. We have never prevented children, yet at the same time we never tried to have children either. Meaning we do not do any forms of BC, but have never been tested, charted, or gone to doctors and such in order to see why we haven't conceived . We figured if it happened great, if not no big deal. It hasn't happened and I'm old enough I'm not sure I even want it to happen at this point. We are both good with that choice.

I'm perfectly happy in my life and do not think I'm missing anything.

AzAnnie · May 2014

I wanted children when I was younger, but was in a really bad marriage until I was 39. My Fi and I talked about it when we met and made the decision not to do anything to prevent it and if it was met to it would happen. Now I am almost 45 and even though I know it is possible we have made the decision not to have any. Raising a child it hard enough when you are young and full of energy. I don't want a high schooler when I am in my 60's. I have people tell me all the time that I must not like children. That is not the case, I love them, I just don't have any.

phira · May 2014

@shessocold Yeah, I think it's REALLY inappropriate for strangers to even bring the subject up. When I had my IUD inserted, my doctor knew exactly why (because I had visited her to talk about birth control options besides condoms or the pill), and we didn't talk about kids. I would have been offended into speechlessness if I'd been in your shoes!

WinstonsGirl · May 2014

We're currently child-free by choice, and are thinking we'll stay that way. I've been lucky that I rarely get any comments from people about it. Most people who know are cool with it. There is one guy at work who keeps harping on it (he's got 4 kids and love it). I just keep talking about our sex life and how kids haven't happened despite all the different positions we've tried and the time we have sex. It shuts him up for a few months.

We're currently watching our niece and nephew (3 and 1) all weekend, and I think this is confirming that I have no desire to ever do a weekend like this again, much less the rest of my life. I know it's different when they're yours, but these 2 are pretty damn close.

CMGragain · May 2014

"Speculating about the future of someone's womb is very rude." Try saying that the next time someone is bothering you.

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