Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Parents' names not on invitations

drewisesupdrewisesup member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiance's parents, my parents, and the two of us are sharing the costs of our wedding. After looking FOREVER, my fiance and I picked out invitations that we're both really excited about. His parents are paying for the invites, so we worked with them to determine the wording. There is limited space, so we did not include the whole rigmarole with my parents' names and his parents' names.

I sent my mom the proofs so that she could see what we were planning on, and she called me over to her house extremely upset and cried for an hour that the wedding guests are going to think we're estranged from our families and that our parents aren't helping with the wedding. At that point, the order had already been solidified, and no matter what I did, she couldn't see the situation from my perspective. I let her know that given the space, we wanted it to be simple and to-the-point, and that we have every intention of including our parents in the wedding programs. I don't want to hurt her, but I think she's too wrapped up in "how things are supposed to be" and "what is traditionally done" to realize that times have changed a bit.

Did anyone else's families have difficulties with the wording of their invitations? How did you deal with it?
Report Reply to Post
«1

Re: Parents' names not on invitations

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Did you not consider "Together with their parents" as wording for your invitation?

    Also, you are all sharing the costs but are you all sharing the role of hosts?  If so, then everyone should have been on the invitation.  If not, only the true hosts need to be listed.  But I also get that parents want to be mentioned, whether that be correct or not, and would have made sure that everyone was listed even if it meant picking a different invitation.

    Report Reply
  • ladyamanuetladyamanuet member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary First Answer
    Honestly, the best thing would have been to put "Together with their families" to indicate that you and both sets of parents are the hosts - that takes barely any space.  You should call your stationer and ask if you can make that small change - even if it costs an extra $100, lay off the Starbucks for a few weeks and do that to make your mom happy.

    If it is absolutely impossible to make the change, then there is nothing you can do.  You need to apologize to your mom, and let her know that there will be an acknowledgement in the programs. Also, do your best to find examples of other invitations to show her it is common not to have parents names on it today, and likely NO ONE (or at least, a very miniscule percentage) will think that you are estranged because her name isn't on it.
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
    image
    Report Reply
  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    Report Reply
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    ashley8918 said:
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.

    Report Reply
  • ladyamanuetladyamanuet member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary First Answer
    ashley8918 said:
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    This.  If my parents wanted their names on the invitation so people know they paid for it, I'd give them their money back.  My parents don't care about stuff like that though...
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
    image
    Report Reply
  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Maggie0829 said:


    ashley8918 said:

    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.

    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.
    Maggie0829 said:


    ashley8918 said:

    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.

    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.

    I don't have an issue with it, I just don't understand the need or the desire for that particular advertisement. I also don't really notice those sorts of things on an invitation, so it's a non-issue to me.
    Report Reply
  • ashley8918ashley8918 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Well, I have no idea what happened with that post/formatting. Stupid TK mobile.
    Report Reply
  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The hosts of the wedding are traditionally listed on the invitation. Paying does not always equal paying. The invite is not a playbill to honor people or a receipt to prove who spent money on the day. It does not indicate support, solidarity or estrangement.

    We used the "together with their families" to save space. This also indicated the parents were hosting and could assist guests with any needs that might arise. We paid for the wedding ourselves, wight he exception of a few odds and ends my parents generously bought during the planning process. 

    If any of the parents are hosts for the event,they should have been listed or at least consulted not he decision. If they are not acting as hosts, then you did nothing wrong.

    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Report Reply
  • ladyamanuetladyamanuet member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary First Answer
    That's true - I honestly have no idea what was on the last few invitations I received...  no idea if it said who was hosting or just the time and place and who was getting hitched...
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
    image
    Report Reply
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    andreadcarroll said:
    My fiance's parents, my parents, and the two of us are sharing the costs of our wedding. After looking FOREVER, my fiance and I picked out invitations that we're both really excited about. His parents are paying for the invites, so we worked with them to determine the wording. There is limited space, so we did not include the whole rigmarole with my parents' names and his parents' names.

    I sent my mom the proofs so that she could see what we were planning on, and she called me over to her house extremely upset and cried for an hour that the wedding guests are going to think we're estranged from our families and that our parents aren't helping with the wedding. At that point, the order had already been solidified, and no matter what I did, she couldn't see the situation from my perspective. I let her know that given the space, we wanted it to be simple and to-the-point, and that we have every intention of including our parents in the wedding programs. I don't want to hurt her, but I think she's too wrapped up in "how things are supposed to be" and "what is traditionally done" to realize that times have changed a bit.

    Did anyone else's families have difficulties with the wording of their invitations? How did you deal with it?

    You wrote that you sent her the proofs to show her what you were planning, but then you said the order had been solidified. That's a contradiction. She's upset. It's up to you to make it right or to just let her deal with her own feelings and thoughts of dismissal, unimportance, your ingratitude, embarrassment, or whatever.
    Report Reply
  • drewisesupdrewisesup member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Thanks, all, for the responses! We've never had the conversation with our families about who is technically "hosting" -- how is that typically determined? As I mentioned, we actually worked with my fiance's parents on the wording, and they didn't even think about whether they'd be listed on the invitation until my mom got so upset about it. We asked my fiance's parents if they were upset, and they practically laughed and said that it didn't matter. It's just strange getting feedback from VERY opposite ends of the spectrum.
    Report Reply
  • abbyj700abbyj700 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    We did "together with their families" because while we are paying for a majority - we didn't want to slight my parents who are also contributing. Nor did we want to differentiate between parents who were and weren't paying, or have to deal with divorce/how to word remarriages. I agree that you should call your company to see if you can get things changed to show respect to all the parents involved. Obviously it means a lot to your family to be traditional. So why not add a few words and keep that relationship good?
    Report Reply
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @NYCMercedes We had to place our invitation order with Minted before getting a proof. The proof is more about formatting, not spelling/wording; Minted is very clear that you should triple check wording and spelling before placing the order. That might be what's going on.

    While it might not help mollify the OP's parents--I never ever ever remember what invitations say, in terms of the wording.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Maggie0829 said:
    ashley8918 said:
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.
    Listing non-hosting parents on the program is one thing, but they don't belong on the invitation.  And, of course, who's paying is none of the guests' business.
    Report Reply
  • sofakingmadsofakingmad member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    i'm with @maggie0829 on this one.

    My dad and mom chipped in different amounts and at the time the invites went out, exH's parents hadn't given us anything.  But we still put on the invites "Together with our parents" because it felt weird to pick and choose since no one actually was hosting or paid for the entire wedding.


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
    Report Reply
  • abbyj700abbyj700 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    ashley8918 said:
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.
    Listing non-hosting parents on the program is one thing, but they don't belong on the invitation.  And, of course, who's paying is none of the guests' business.

    Stuck in a box!

    Isn't this kinda contradictory? My parents are helping financially, FI's parents are not. I would feel terrible having my parents listed and not his - it almost calls them out for not helping. Why not just list both or "and parents" or "and their families" to make sure it's not about who's got the loot! :-) 
    Report Reply
  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you worked with them to determine the wording, how was your mother surprised by the wording on the invites?

    This isn't a hill I'd die on. 'Together with their parents' is one extra line and worth it if your mother cried for an hour about it.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    abbyj700 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    ashley8918 said:
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.
    Listing non-hosting parents on the program is one thing, but they don't belong on the invitation.  And, of course, who's paying is none of the guests' business.

    Stuck in a box!

    Isn't this kinda contradictory? My parents are helping financially, FI's parents are not. I would feel terrible having my parents listed and not his - it almost calls them out for not helping. Why not just list both or "and parents" or "and their families" to make sure it's not about who's got the loot! :-) 

    Well, hosting doesn't equal "paying."  The persons hosting the wedding are the "point persons" - the persons who issue the invitations, receive the replies, greet the guests, and see that their needs are attended to.  Are your parents doing that?  Are his?  If any of them are, then yes, they should be listed as hosts even if they are not contributing financially.  If not, then those who are not acting as "point persons" should not be listed as hosts, even if they are paying anything.  It is possible to contribute financially without being a "host."  The point of being listed as a "host" is to tell guests who their contact should be, not to advertise who is paying for what (which, as noted above, is none of the guests' business).

    Also, being listed on an invitation is not an "honor."  The only persons "honored" by an invitation are the guests, not the couple and not their parents.  This isn't widely understood.  But the point of the invitation is to convey to the guests the logistical information about the event they are being invited to.  It is not a playbill that lists every member of your family or "honors" your parents. 
    Report Reply
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    OP, please post your invitation wording.  It is hard to help you if we don't know what upset your mother.  Is it a church wedding?  If you put the groom's parents on simply because they are paying for the invitations, this is a mistake.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Report Reply
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Here are three options, assuming not a church wedding:

    (Traditional)
    Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
    Mr. and Mrs. James Groomsparents
    request the pleasure of your company
    at the marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Day, Date
    time o'clock
    Venue
    Address
    City, State

    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Day, date (etc.)

    (Non-traditional)

    Together with their families
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    request the pleasure of your company
    as they are united in marriage
    Day, date (etc.)
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Report Reply
  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    If you worked with them to determine the wording, how was your mother surprised by the wording on the invites? This isn't a hill I'd die on. 'Together with their parents' is one extra line and worth it if your mother cried for an hour about it.
    I was under the impression that the in-laws knew the wording, but that the OP's mother didn't until she saw the proof.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    ashleyep said:
    Jen4948 said:
    abbyj700 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    ashley8918 said:
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.
    Listing non-hosting parents on the program is one thing, but they don't belong on the invitation.  And, of course, who's paying is none of the guests' business.
    Isn't this kinda contradictory? My parents are helping financially, FI's parents are not. I would feel terrible having my parents listed and not his - it almost calls them out for not helping. Why not just list both or "and parents" or "and their families" to make sure it's not about who's got the loot! :-) 
    Well, hosting doesn't equal "paying."  The persons hosting the wedding are the "point persons" - the persons who issue the invitations, receive the replies, greet the guests, and see that their needs are attended to.  Are your parents doing that?  Are his?  If any of them are, then yes, they should be listed as hosts even if they are not contributing financially.  If not, then those who are not acting as "point persons" should not be listed as hosts, even if they are paying anything.  It is possible to contribute financially without being a "host."  The point of being listed as a "host" is to tell guests who their contact should be, not to advertise who is paying for what (which, as noted above, is none of the guests' business). Also, being listed on an invitation is not an "honor."  The only persons "honored" by an invitation are the guests, not the couple and not their parents.  This isn't widely understood.  But the point of the invitation is to convey to the guests the logistical information about the event they are being invited to.  It is not a playbill that lists every member of your family or "honors" your parents. 
    Oh please. Let's be serious, this is the 21st century, and most weddings aren't held in a parent's house anymore. My parent's name is on the invitation, they're paying for most it. The rsvps are sent to their house out of a formality, but I'm the one managing the guest list, I'm the one on every single contract, and I'm the one writing the checks to the vendors. We'll be the ones greetings all of our guests. But they're the "hosts"  - they're the ones "requesting the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter" - it's all such a farce. If your parents want their names on the invite because they're contributing financially, you go right ahead and do it if you want to. It's not very clear nowadays who the host of these events are anyway, especially since grown-ass adults getting married.

    That's just it.  Now that it's the 21st century, parents do not need to be listed as the "hosts" of something they are neither paying for nor acting as the point persons of, so they should not be the ones "requesting the honour of your presence" or the "pleasure of your company."  If brides and grooms are expected to be "grown ass" about everything else without having their parents hold their hands, they can damn well "request the honour of the presence" or the "pleasure of the company" for themselves, not have their parents do it.

    And what does "greet the guests" even mean in a sit-down dinner with 150 people at a reception venue, honestly. My parent's aren't going to go around to chat at the tables of the people they don't know - but we are, because it's our wedding. Same with "see that their needs are attended to" - it's not her home, she's not going to run around with a tray of hors d'oeuvres and ask people if she can get them another glass of punch - the bar's over there, help herself.

    "Greet the guests" and "see that their needs are attended to" means either going to each table or standing in a receiving line to welcome each guest and thank them for coming.  And "seeing that their needs are attended to" means being the ones to make sure that guests are properly hosted-that they don't have to pay for anything out of their own pockets and that they receive the amenities at the wedding-and generally this is done during the wedding planning process, in advance of the wedding.

    Ashley, if the sole purpose of the sarcasm and hostile tone which you directed at me with this post was to be sarcastic and hostile, please go elsewhere with it and stop trying to put words in my mouth.  I have advocated exactly what I said in my post here for a very long time, so I don't see why you suddenly felt the need to lose it on me.

    Report Reply
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2014
    Jen4948 said:
    ashleyep said:

    Oh please. Let's be serious, this is the 21st century, and most weddings aren't held in a parent's house anymore. My parent's name is on the invitation, they're paying for most it. The rsvps are sent to their house out of a formality, but I'm the one managing the guest list, I'm the one on every single contract, and I'm the one writing the checks to the vendors. We'll be the ones greetings all of our guests. But they're the "hosts"  - they're the ones "requesting the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter" - it's all such a farce. If your parents want their names on the invite because they're contributing financially, you go right ahead and do it if you want to. It's not very clear nowadays who the host of these events are anyway, especially since grown-ass adults getting married.

    That's just it.  Now that it's the 21st century, parents do not need to be listed as the "hosts" of something they are neither paying for nor acting as the point persons of, so they should not be the ones "requesting the honour of your presence" or the "pleasure of your company."  If brides and grooms are expected to be "grown ass" about everything else without having their parents hold their hands, they can damn well "request the honour of the presence" or the "pleasure of the company" for themselves, not have their parents do it.

    And what does "greet the guests" even mean in a sit-down dinner with 150 people at a reception venue, honestly. My parent's aren't going to go around to chat at the tables of the people they don't know - but we are, because it's our wedding. Same with "see that their needs are attended to" - it's not her home, she's not going to run around with a tray of hors d'oeuvres and ask people if she can get them another glass of punch - the bar's over there, help herself.

    "Greet the guests" and "see that their needs are attended to" means either going to each table or standing in a receiving line to welcome each guest and thank them for coming.  And "seeing that their needs are attended to" means being the ones to make sure that guests are properly hosted-that they don't have to pay for anything out of their own pockets and that they receive the amenities at the wedding-and generally this is done during the wedding planning process, in advance of the wedding.

    Ashley, if the sole purpose of the sarcasm and hostile tone which you directed at me with this post was to be sarcastic and hostile, please go elsewhere with it and stop trying to put words in my mouth.  I have advocated exactly what I said in my post here for a very long time, so I don't see why you suddenly felt the need to lose it on me.

    I honestly think in today's day and age the line between who is and isn't hosting is not very clear. Especially when the event doesn't take place in a home and you're paying a whole staff to tend to your guests needs. I hate the whole the "a recognition of paying has no place on an invitation", I'm tired of seeing it. If your parents want their damn names on the invitation, put their freaking names on the invitation unless it's important to you to *not* have them there. Whether or not they're paying, but especially if they're paying (he who pays, gets a say).

    For all intents and purposes, my parents are the hosts. But they're paying for the bulk of the reception so if they consider themselves host - which they do, regardless of the amount of work I've done to plan the event (95% of it) - then I'm not going to stand in their way. If we had a receiving line, they would be in it. We are not, and it's silly for them to go table to table talking to my friends that they don't know. So we will be doing table visits. 

    But they have tended to my guests needs and made sure they don't have to open their wallets - by cutting a check. Herego, hosts.
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    ashleyep said:
    Jen4948 said:
    ashleyep said:
    Jen4948 said:
    abbyj700 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    ashley8918 said:
    I don't understand the need to advertise who has paid for the wedding. I included my mom's name on the invitation because she is hosting, not paying. I am financing my own wedding.
    A lot of parents want to be acknowledged on the invite whether they are paying, hosting, both or neither.  Honestly, if a parent really wants to be listed on the program for any reason then I don't see a problem with it.  I barely remember what I put on my invite let alone the 20+ wedding invites I have received over the years.  All I care about as a guest is who is getting married, on what date and where.  I rarely notice anything else that is included.
    Listing non-hosting parents on the program is one thing, but they don't belong on the invitation.  And, of course, who's paying is none of the guests' business.
    Isn't this kinda contradictory? My parents are helping financially, FI's parents are not. I would feel terrible having my parents listed and not his - it almost calls them out for not helping. Why not just list both or "and parents" or "and their families" to make sure it's not about who's got the loot! :-) 
    Well, hosting doesn't equal "paying."  The persons hosting the wedding are the "point persons" - the persons who issue the invitations, receive the replies, greet the guests, and see that their needs are attended to.  Are your parents doing that?  Are his?  If any of them are, then yes, they should be listed as hosts even if they are not contributing financially.  If not, then those who are not acting as "point persons" should not be listed as hosts, even if they are paying anything.  It is possible to contribute financially without being a "host."  The point of being listed as a "host" is to tell guests who their contact should be, not to advertise who is paying for what (which, as noted above, is none of the guests' business). Also, being listed on an invitation is not an "honor."  The only persons "honored" by an invitation are the guests, not the couple and not their parents.  This isn't widely understood.  But the point of the invitation is to convey to the guests the logistical information about the event they are being invited to.  It is not a playbill that lists every member of your family or "honors" your parents. 
    Oh please. Let's be serious, this is the 21st century, and most weddings aren't held in a parent's house anymore. My parent's name is on the invitation, they're paying for most it. The rsvps are sent to their house out of a formality, but I'm the one managing the guest list, I'm the one on every single contract, and I'm the one writing the checks to the vendors. We'll be the ones greetings all of our guests. But they're the "hosts"  - they're the ones "requesting the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter" - it's all such a farce. If your parents want their names on the invite because they're contributing financially, you go right ahead and do it if you want to. It's not very clear nowadays who the host of these events are anyway, especially since grown-ass adults getting married.

    That's just it.  Now that it's the 21st century, parents do not need to be listed as the "hosts" of something they are neither paying for nor acting as the point persons of, so they should not be the ones "requesting the honour of your presence" or the "pleasure of your company."  If brides and grooms are expected to be "grown ass" about everything else without having their parents hold their hands, they can damn well "request the honour of the presence" or the "pleasure of the company" for themselves, not have their parents do it.

    And what does "greet the guests" even mean in a sit-down dinner with 150 people at a reception venue, honestly. My parent's aren't going to go around to chat at the tables of the people they don't know - but we are, because it's our wedding. Same with "see that their needs are attended to" - it's not her home, she's not going to run around with a tray of hors d'oeuvres and ask people if she can get them another glass of punch - the bar's over there, help herself.

    "Greet the guests" and "see that their needs are attended to" means either going to each table or standing in a receiving line to welcome each guest and thank them for coming.  And "seeing that their needs are attended to" means being the ones to make sure that guests are properly hosted-that they don't have to pay for anything out of their own pockets and that they receive the amenities at the wedding-and generally this is done during the wedding planning process, in advance of the wedding.

    Ashley, if the sole purpose of the sarcasm and hostile tone which you directed at me with this post was to be sarcastic and hostile, please go elsewhere with it and stop trying to put words in my mouth.  I have advocated exactly what I said in my post here for a very long time, so I don't see why you suddenly felt the need to lose it on me.

    I honestly thing in today's day and age the line between who is and isn't hosting is not very clear. I hate the whole the "whomever's paying has no place on an invitation", I'm tired of seeing it. If your parents want their damn names on the invitation, put their freaking names on the invitation unless it's important to you to *not* have them there. Whether or not they're paying, but especially if they're paying (he who pays, gets a say).

    For all intents and purposes, my parents are the hosts. It's just silly considering I've done most of the work. But they're paying for the bulk of the reception so if they consider themselves host - which they do, regardless of the amount of work I've done - then I'm not going to stand in their way. If we had a receiving line, they would be in it. We are not, and it's silly for them to go table to table talking to my friends that they don't know.

    But they have tended to my guests needs and made sure they don't have to open their wallets - by cutting a check. Herego, hosts.  So what how much they contributed?  That's none of the guests' business!  The people "honored" by invitations are the guests, NOT the bride's parents, the groom's parents, or for that matter, the couple!

    Parents are not entitled to be listed on an invitation if all they contributed was the eggs and sperm or even funding.  Sorry, but I don't agree that that by itself means they should be listed.  And "honoring parents" is not what invitations are for.  They are not genealogies nor playbills.

    I don't know why you feel the need to be so hostile or poke holes in what several other posters also feel, and have expressed in other threads, are the proper duties of the host and who qualifies, but stop taking it out on me.
    Report Reply
  • ashleyepashleyep member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary

    Jen4948 said:

    I don't know why you feel the need to be so hostile or poke holes in what several other posters also feel, and have expressed in other threads, are the proper duties of the host and who qualifies, but stop taking it out on me.

    I'm not "taking it out on you" - your post just happened to be the one I used as a sounding off board. In any case - one of your definitions of "seeing that the guests needs are attended to"  means being the ones to make sure that guests are properly hosted-that they don't have to pay for anything out of their own pockets and that they receive the amenities at the wedding-and generally this is done during the wedding planning process, in advance of the wedding. That is largely done by funding the event.

    We like to tout these lines "paying != hosting, they're two separate things", "invitations are not about geneology" They're all great little lines in theory, but not as distinct in reality. If they gave you a check and have not been involved at all with any aspects of the planning, then sure, leave them off. But if they're paying for most of it and see themselves as the hosts, just do it.
    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    ashleyep said:

    Jen4948 said:

    I don't know why you feel the need to be so hostile or poke holes in what several other posters also feel, and have expressed in other threads, are the proper duties of the host and who qualifies, but stop taking it out on me.

    I'm not "taking it out on you" - your post just happened to be the one I used as a sounding off board. In any case - one of your definitions of "seeing that the guests needs are attended to"  means being the ones to make sure that guests are properly hosted-that they don't have to pay for anything out of their own pockets and that they receive the amenities at the wedding-and generally this is done during the wedding planning process, in advance of the wedding. That is largely done by funding the event. No, actually, it has do with things like making sure that no, the guests don't have to sit in the rain or under leaking ceilings, yes, they have working toilets, that kind of thing.  Paying has nothing to do with this, because someone can contribute money while not lifting so much as a little fingernail to do any of this. 

    We like to tout these lines "paying != hosting, they're two separate things", "invitations are not about geneology" They're all great little lines in theory, but not as distinct in reality. If they gave you a check and have not been involved at all with any aspects of the planning, then sure, leave them off. But if they're paying for most of it and see themselves as the hosts, just do it.  No.  My parents may be paying for some of my wedding, but just because they "see themselves" as a certain way does not mean they are entitled to be listed as "hosts" just to stroke their egos.  I'm a grownup and don't need them to "request the honour of the presence" or the "pleasure of the company" of my and my FI's guests.  They are OUR guests'-not our parents'.

    They are not the "hosts" because they are not going to be seeing that the guests' needs are attended to.  They are not automatically entitled to be hosts just because they provided an egg and sperm 9 months before I was born.  And I have a better relationship (in some cases, an existing relationship, even) than some other posters here who have no relationship or very, very bad ones with their parents.  Those parents' names have no place on their wedding invitations.  They are not "hosts."  

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards