Honeymoon registry shower - what to do?

MGP · June 2014

Hi ladies! I had a feeling I would be posting something like this soon, so here goes:

A few months ago I had posted about a situation where a friend of mine asked me to be part of her "house party" for her wedding (aka second tier bridesmaid/unpaid labor/bridal bitch) and when I reluctantly agreed she then sent me a laundry list of demands including buying a dress and shoes to match the bridesmaids, attending an expensive week long destination bachelorette party, and assistance with DIY projects. She also told me that she really wanted to include me as a bridesmaid but was keeping her wedding party to family members. I found out she lied and has 22 people (yes, that's not a typo) in her wedding party including all of our close girlfriends.

Once I saw her true colors I ran for the hills and told her why. It didn't end well, but with time we are starting to move on. I sent her a Mother's Day card (she is a new Mommy), we have exchanged some friendly "hey I miss talking to you hope you are doing well" texts and ran into each other at a birthday party over the weekend. Things are friendly and civil between us and I take that as a sign that we can move past this although our friendship may never be as tight as it was. I am OK with that.

So here is my issue now. Her shower invite arrived and it is a trifecta of things I hate about showers - Evite, couples shower, and a cutesy "no gifts but if you would like please donate to the honeymoon registry". It is out of town for me and I already have plans, but would like to send a gift. However I want nothing to do with honeymoon registries, their tackiness and the fees involved. The bride doesn't know this and it's no use bringing it up to her.

What do I send? I am not a huge fan of cash for showers. Gift card? Boxed gift of my choice? Am I overthinking this?

monkeysip · June 2014

Cape Craftsmen Westward Bound Glass and Metal Rooster Table Lamp

Get her this, but engraved with their names and wedding date!

photokitty · June 2014

You said - The bride doesn't know this and it's no use bringing it up to her.

Do you mean she doesn't know about the fees or she doesn't know about the request for HM contributions? It it is the latter - the host of the shower sucks, big time!

Does she have a traditional registry? If so I would send something for it. If not I would select a gift you think she would like. I would never make a HM contribution or give cash for a shower. But's not my style.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

You really don't have to send anything.

wrigleyville · June 2014

Why is she having a shower if she's demanding "no gifts"? The entire point of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts.

manateehugger · June 2014

Glad to hear things are starting to mend in your friendship, even if it sounds like your friend doesn't deserve your consideration at all. Here's to hoping she'll pull her head out of her bridezilla butt and actually apologize.

I'd either send something small (photo frame, small recipe basket, yummy food/dessert, etc.) or nothing at all. I don't think you should feel obligated to send anything; I think I've only sent a gift once or twice to a shower I couldn't attend.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

wrigleyville said:

Why is she having a shower if she's demanding "no gifts"? The entire point of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts.

So that everyone has to use the honeymoon registry!

sarahufl · June 2014

Can we please go back to the WEEK LONG bachlorette party?! WTH.

I wouldn't send a gift. Just tell her you are sorry you can't join and hope she has fun.

Inkdancer · June 2014

When you ran for the hills, you didn't run far enough, if this crazy caught up with you!

No gift. Just politely decline.

Out of curiosity, why do you hate couple's showers?

delujm0 · June 2014

Do you know where this alleged honeymoon that everyone is donating to is happening? If it's out of the country, what I would do is go to the bank and get some of that country's currency and stick it in a card. This is two-fold: #1 you don't have to pay stupid website fees, and #2 if she doens't actually take the planned vacation, it becomes a pain in the rear for her to have to go to the bank and convert it back to cash or some other currency. :-)

If she does take the planned trip, you were able to contribute without paying an insane fee, or picking out an arbitrary activity that she may not even do. Giving cash at a shower is still lame...but this would be my work around (unless you can think of a physical gift that she would really love...you can also just send her that instead).

JCbride2015 · June 2014

I wouldn't send a gift either, but if you are trying to mend the friendship I understand that you want to.

FSIL recently had a shower with a tiny, already-fulfilled Target registry and a Honeyfund. I went off-registry and purchased something I thought they would like, rather than use the Honeyfund or give cash. I was worried about it at the time, but I think the gift went over well and she wrote a very gracious, personal TY note after the shower. So it's not worth worrying about! Get something you think she'd like, mail it, and pat yourself on the back for putting up with this crazy wedding.

MGP · June 2014

Sorry, a couple clarifications:

The bride set up the honeymoon registry so yes, she knows about it. No traditional registry, she used the age old "we already have everything" excuse.

I too do not believe in a "no gifts shower". Shower - gifts = party in my opinion. No one wants to the the one a hole not bringing a gift to a non gifts shower. It's a backhanded request for gifts and so shady.

Week long bachelorette - most people are talking behind the bride's back about how ridiculous this is. We are all middle aged, mothers, wives and career women. The majority that are going are staying just for the weekend. I only got a verbal "save the date" a while back before things blew up so come to think of it I may not be invited at all to this. Lucky me.

beethery · June 2014

I got tripped up on the 22 bridal party members and forgot how to read. I am dictating this through my phone. Lord help us all.

MGP · June 2014

Inkdancer said:
When you ran for the hills, you didn't run far enough, if this crazy caught up with you!

No gift. Just politely decline.

Out of curiosity, why do you hate couple's showers?

Just not a fan of couples showers for a few reasons:

They are rarely done in my "circle". We are pretty old school.

There is nothing worse than being a single person and getting an invite to a couples shower. Been there done that too many times. Attending a couples shower as a single person was always very awkward for me.

My husband works 6 days/week and never has the availability to attend events like this with me. Of course I prefer to go somewhere as a complete "social unit", but attending a couples event alone even when you have a SO is still awkward for me. However I will suck it up and do it because it's not about me, it's about the guest of honor.

I have never been to a couples shower where the men actually had a good time, especially when they didn't know the other guys very well. It's like a grown man playdate.

Again, just my opinion and experience. No problems with anyone who likes them or wants to host one. They are just not my style.

Or maybe I am just involved in a socially awkward circle.

MGP · June 2014

beethery said:

I got tripped up on the 22 bridal party members and forgot how to read. I am dictating this through my phone. Lord help us all.

Yep 22 people but there was no room for me. ** makes sarcastic sad face **

MGP · June 2014

Sorry double post.

Inkdancer · June 2014

MGP said:

Inkdancer said:
When you ran for the hills, you didn't run far enough, if this crazy caught up with you!

No gift. Just politely decline.

Out of curiosity, why do you hate couple's showers?
Just not a fan of couples showers for a few reasons:

They are rarely done in my "circle". We are pretty old school.

There is nothing worse than being a single person and getting an invite to a couples shower. Been there done that too many times. Attending a couples shower as a single person was always very awkward for me.

My husband works 6 days/week and never has the availability to attend events like this with me. Of course I prefer to go somewhere as a complete "social unit", but attending a couples event alone even when you have a SO is still awkward for me. However I will suck it up and do it because it's not about me, it's about the guest of honor.

I have never been to a couples shower where the men actually had a good time, especially when they didn't know the other guys very well. It's like a grown man playdate.

Again, just my opinion and experience. No problems with anyone who likes them or wants to host one. They are just not my style.

Or maybe I am just involved in a socially awkward circle.

If that's the case, I can definitely understand. In my circle we have couple showers that are really fun--usually a day at the lake, or a BBQ with lawn games, and then also there are presents. It is good times, and way more fun than toilet paper dresses or "guess how many babies".

MGP · June 2014

Inkdancer said:
If that's the case, I can definitely understand. In my circle we have couple showers that are really fun--usually a day at the lake, or a BBQ with lawn games, and then also there are presents. It is good times, and way more fun than toilet paper dresses or "guess how many babies".

Sounds fun! Just curious - do you bill it as a "couples shower" or a "coed shower"? Maybe I am just caught up in the semantics of it. When I was single it was disheartening to get an invite to a specified "couples shower", but a plain old invite with no gender reference wouldn't have bothered me at all.

To me I guess if you want to have men and women there go for it but don't make guests feel like it "should" be for couples only. This isn't Sandals, you know?

Sorry to derail my own thread.

d2va · June 2014

monkeysip said:

Get her this, but engraved with their names and wedding date!

I dont know if Im weird, but I would love if I received this! lol

thisismynickname2 · June 2014

So OP, I read your post and simply thought, "Fuck that shit."

Since you want to acknowledge her nuptials with a gift, send a very heartfelt card and something you think she and her significant other would enjoy. Heck, if they're going to a beach resort, put together a basket of luxury beach towels and aloe lotion or other similarly fun things. You know her/them best so I'm sure you'll think of something lovely.

chibiyui · June 2014

You could always get her something honeymoon related, like beach towels, a good book to read, gift card to the skeaziest porn/sex toy shop in town, etc. Or of course nothing at all, I do understand wanting to patch things up and how gift giving can feel necessary.

I also love suggesting metal chickens
https://www.etsy.com/market/miniature_chicken

love05312014 · June 2014

Okay can someone pleaaaase explain the metal chicken to me?!?

And OP, I'm glad you ran for the hills. Though I'd have ran further away! Lol

chibiyui · June 2014

love05312014 said:

Okay can someone pleaaaase explain the metal chicken to me?!?

And OP, I'm glad you ran for the hills. Though I'd have ran further away! Lol

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

READ.

annathy03 · June 2014

thisismynickname said:

So OP, I read your post and simply thought, "Fuck that shit."

Since you want to acknowledge her nuptials with a gift, send a very heartfelt card and something you think she and her significant other would enjoy. Heck, if they're going to a beach resort, put together a basket of luxury beach towels and aloe lotion or other similarly fun things. You know her/them best so I'm sure you'll think of something lovely.

So much this. I probably wouldn't send anything, but if I did it would be a physical gift that would be useful on the honeymoon or something that I think they'd like for their house.

amakayeb · June 2014

chibiyui said:

love05312014 said:

Okay can someone pleaaaase explain the metal chicken to me?!?

And OP, I'm glad you ran for the hills. Though I'd have ran further away! Lol

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

READ.

Every time this link shows up, I read it again, because that is how amazing it is!

chibiyui · June 2014

amakayeb said:

chibiyui said:

love05312014 said:

Okay can someone pleaaaase explain the metal chicken to me?!?

And OP, I'm glad you ran for the hills. Though I'd have ran further away! Lol

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

READ.

Every time this link shows up, I read it again, because that is how amazing it is!

I re read it and laughed my ass of because it is just that good.

chibiyui · June 2014

Fucking double post.

wandajune6 · June 2014

chibiyui said:

amakayeb said:

chibiyui said:

love05312014 said:

Okay can someone pleaaaase explain the metal chicken to me?!?

And OP, I'm glad you ran for the hills. Though I'd have ran further away! Lol

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

READ.

Every time this link shows up, I read it again, because that is how amazing it is!

I re read it and laughed my ass of because it is just that good.

I've never actually seen this article- I've just hear many references to the chickens.

I just choked on my diet coke at work!

[Deleted User] · June 2014

wandajune6 said:

chibiyui said:

amakayeb said:

chibiyui said:

love05312014 said:

Okay can someone pleaaaase explain the metal chicken to me?!?

And OP, I'm glad you ran for the hills. Though I'd have ran further away! Lol

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

READ.

Every time this link shows up, I read it again, because that is how amazing it is!

I re read it and laughed my ass of because it is just that good.

I've never actually seen this article- I've just hear many references to the chickens.

I just choked on my diet coke at work!

I was sitting at work laughing silently with tears running down my face. And I've read it before!

sophhabobopha · June 2014

Girl, you should have ran for the Himalayas.

Also, here's a store to buy beyonce for her fake shower!:

ETA:

sarahufl · June 2014

adk19 said:

wandajune6 said:

chibiyui said:

amakayeb said:

chibiyui said:

love05312014 said:

Okay can someone pleaaaase explain the metal chicken to me?!?

And OP, I'm glad you ran for the hills. Though I'd have ran further away! Lol

http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

READ.

Every time this link shows up, I read it again, because that is how amazing it is!

I re read it and laughed my ass of because it is just that good.

I've never actually seen this article- I've just hear many references to the chickens.

I just choked on my diet coke at work!

I was sitting at work laughing silently with tears running down my face. And I've read it before!

I could not stop laughing the first time I read it. Or the second. Or the third.

Honeymoon registry shower - what to do?

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