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Re: Need advice

  • BreMRBreMR member
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    I am definitely late, but I just wanted to send some hugs!!!
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  • I'm glad he's open to counseling. I think that's a really good sign that you guys can recover. I'm sorry that's still unable to see your side though. :( I'm also a little annoyed for you about this whole shindig being planned for months and you being unaware and not invited. That's really rude, but whatever... it's  a different issue. Anyway, sending you tons of hugs and hoping for a better day today! 


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  • Since my BF works nights (oh yeah, and doesn't live here), I would be dead in the water if I couldn't sleep if he wasn't home!

    Is there anything you can do to resolve that issue?  Drugs maybe?

    My BF often has to rely on sleeping pills for his crazy schedule... It's not ideal, but we do what we have to do!

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  • Sorry, I have to agree- resolve the issue with drugs, wth?

     

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  • I've had a little time to think about this one, and it seems like there should be a compromise in here somewhere. 

    My FI has his poker night in the fall/winter with some of his buddies.  He normally gets home around midnight.  I don't generally stay up late at night, even on the weekends, but I cannot go to bed while he's out because of how the dogs react to him coming home late.  Our arrangement is:  I sleep downstairs waiting for him to come home.  He gives me a call before he leaves his friend's place so I can wake up a little and get the dogs taken care of.  Not sure if any of that is useful for you, but could you sleep in the living room while waiting for him to return?  From his end, perhaps he could call/text when they're starting their last game or if they take a break; 5 minutes is not going to take away from his family/gaming time.


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  • phiraphira member
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    GUY WILL YOU STOP BEING SO AWESOME I'm getting all misty eyed from all the love here!!

    @keptinstitches One thing about his OCD that has been really sucky, but very consistent, is that he has a lot of anxiety about missing work, and it's stressful for him to find a good doctor. Throughout wedding planning, I've had to make sure all vendor meetings are late enough (or on weekends) so he doesn't have to leave work early, and if there are phone calls to be made between 9 and 5, I need to make them because he's so anxious about making personal calls at work. However, I know he's had good luck with treatment in the past with cognitive behavioral therapy. It was before he and I met, and he said it was really horrible and he hated it, but it worked very well (example--he used to be unable to use a drinking glass that had been used by someone else, even after it had been washed). I don't think he realizes that his OCD is part of why he has such a hard time canceling on his family; it's hard to do CBT on something like that.

    But basically, OCD gets in the way of getting treatment for OCD. But I think he knows that if this marriage is going to work (and if it's going to even happen), he needs to get back into treatment.

    @blabla89 I really appreciate hearing your insight on that. I felt really awful about it, and while I am still prepared to postpone if things are not getting better by September, I think that right now, he's not going to be able to make any progress with me if a postponement is hanging over his head like that, if that makes any sense.

    @swazzle Yeah, I think what he doesn't get is that I'm more angry about his other behavior (how fucking hard is it to text me?!) than I am about him not coming home before I went to bed. Now that I've finally slept, I definitely feel pretty sheepish about demanding that he come home. But I'm still tired of the whole, "I can't just CANCEL on my plans with my family!" regardless of the situation, and not letting me know when he's coming home is such a stupid-easy thing to fix.

    @weewittlewizabeth I totally don't get why something planned months ahead had to be something I was completely in the dark about. It never, ever came up until I said, "You said this was planned months ago, but you JUST had your last game night a couple weeks ago," and he corrected me. I'm not surprised I wasn't invited to the concert; one sister-in-law really doesn't like me, the other sister-in-law knows it. So what I'm guessing is that SIL #1 didn't want to invite me because she didn't like me, and SIL #2 figured I wouldn't want to come to a concert and deal with SIL #1. Fair. But still.

    @dignity100 I've actually dozed on the couch waiting for him before, but usually on weekends and when I'm fine with being up late anyway. He's definitely going to start coming home at a pre-determined time (not necessarily determined by me, but just a regular time for regular events, etc), and he's going to let me know when he's on his way home as well. Hopefully that'll be effective enough.

    @Kelani23 Setting aside for a moment the absurdity of your advice, I take sleep aids semi-regularly, and they haven't changed the situation.
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  • 1. BIG hugs, and I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm glad that you're able to come to us and ask for and receive helpful advice. I don't have much to add beyond what everyone else has said, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you & sending you hugs.

    2. This may be out of line for me to ask, but what are the reasons you WANT to marry him? And why is he SO SET on getting married instead of postponing to work on things? I feel like you talk a lot about your fighting, and it seems to me that you kind of let things slide because he has OCD, etc. If you fight, you can't go to bed until HE says it's over - that doesn't seem fair. He has to keep fighting because he can't sleep if you're upset with him, but can't figure out why it's a big deal for you to not be able to sleep until you know he's at least on his way home? That makes ZERO sense. 

    So, I guess, what are the REDEEMING qualities about your relationship and the reasons why you're moving forward to marriage?



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  • phiraphira member
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    @GoldenPenguin TOTALLY not out of line to ask. It's definitely been stressful because when we fight, it's always about the same handful of problems (including the lovely meta-fight, where we fight about how we fight), and his OCD is part of that.

    That said, we don't fight that often (in about 2.5 years, we've had maybe 8 or 9 big fights), and when we're not fighting, it doesn't feel like the relationship is a project. But, like you said, a lot of things don't really get resolved, especially when they relate to OCD or his family. He'll acknowledge that he needs to prioritize me over his regularly-scheduled weekend hangouts with his brother (separate from the less-regular weeknight hangout with both brothers), and things will change a little bit (like he won't get upset with me for suggesting that he not reschedule if they have to cancel), but in general, I think he thinks more has changed than it really has (e.g. more than not, he DOES reschedule anyway and just doesn't get upset with me for suggesting otherwise).

    I do think the relationship is worth saving. He and I are comfortable talking about almost anything (obviously with the issues discussed in this thread being some of the less comfortable talking points). Since the hospital incident two years ago, he always takes care of me when I'm sick, and supports me through work stuff and health stuff. Not just being a yes-man--passionately supportive of me, offering ways to help if I need them, even without me needing to ask. Except for times like yesterday, we always look forward to seeing each other and spending time with each other, and we're both able to ask for space (e.g. "I'm gonna watch a show in the living room" or "I'm going to read for a bit in the bedroom") without feeling guilty or alienating the other person.

    I feel kind of silly because it's hard to put it into words when we've got a glaring enough issue that I'd want time for therapy before the wedding.

    With the postponement, I agree with you, honestly. He and I do not see eye to eye on what it means. He sees it as me saying that I'm not sure I want to marry him, which is something I should have decided before the engagement, and that the engagement was just a time to save up and plan the wedding. He also can't get over the loss of money from a postponement (assuming we'd forfeit deposits). I didn't bring this up with him, but I'm REALLY tired of that because he is the one insisting on a sizable wedding that requires this much money. I wanted to got to the damn courthouse.
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  • @phira I'm with @loves2shop4shoes that 9 big fights in 2.5 years is a lot, but I realize that "big" fight could totally be defined differently.  I also realize that some relationships have fights/disagreements more often than others (I think even @goldenpenguin has mentioned that she and FI have fights occasionally but that obviously doesn't mean the end of the relationship.)

    I'm worried that you seem to fight about the same thing a lot.  Whether you're both committed to the relationship, I guess.  That seems too big.  But what I'm saying is that it seems many of your fights are "is this other person important enough to me that I'm going to tell them I'm.....?" or "should I prioritize this other person in my life over ....?" "is it important to me to take care of my health so that this other person IN MY LIFE is able to better handle me and deal with me?"

    Is it any secret that question number 3 is a deal breaker for me?  H knows it is imperative that he goes to his proper doctors, gets his bloodwork done regularly, keeps his prescriptions current, etc.  Why?  Because I want a husband that's going to grow old with me.  I want a husband that is active enough in his healthcare that if something happens, he knows his full medical history.  And if he's unconscious, I know his full medical history.  <--this is HUGE for me.

    Do you have a plan for when you graduate?  What is going to happen if your job makes you leave Boston?  Can your FI leave his job and start another if he's anxious about calling out or making a personal call, etc?  I personally strive to maintain extreme professionalism in all of my jobs so I try not to call out*, make personal calls on the clock, etc. but there comes a time when it's a what's best for "we" decision...and that's when we involves BOTH you and me.  Moving to FL was best for WE in my relationship - H got a raise and a job with more challenge; I have the opportunity to teach in HS faster (I don't have to go through as much schooling in FL than I did in VA)

    *It should be noted that as a responsible teacher, I DO call out if I'm contagious.  It's not respectful of my students if I come to class and give them all the flu or c. diff or something.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • phiraphira member
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    So a lot of my radio silence today has been that I've been mulling over a lot of the really great points people have raised (the rest of it is zzzzzzzz so fatigued from my treatment omg). I'm feeling kind of resentful today because although I've got my first counseling appointment set up, and we've emailed our couple's counselor, I feel like we're "back to normal" with everything.

    Which is obviously not a terrible thing, but I just feel like now I either have to marry J in November OR I have to break up with him. We got our wedding invitations today and J brought up dance lessons, and I keep feeling like ... I really don't want to do anything wedding related. And J is being extra affectionate (partially because he's worried about how tired I am--it's easy to forget how severe Remicade fatigue is when it only happens once every several weeks), and I'm feeling kind of cranky about it.

    It kind of boils down to why I was so adamant about needing time for counseling; we have a fight about something, and when we resolve it, we have all these things that are going to change, but they don't really change all that much. And when we were fighting yesterday, he was challenging me to describe how things hadn't changed enough. And he kept going back to how he didn't understand how everything could be fine and then two days later, I suddenly wasn't sure I wanted to marry him. I kept saying that it wasn't that everything was fine, it was that I kept waiting for stuff to change and it wasn't changing. And that we needed time to see if things were actually going to improve because I didn't want to get married and find that things were never going to get better.

    More than that, I'm getting angrier and angrier about what happened before we got engaged. To clarify: J didn't push a timeline on me. He and I independently decided on the same general timeline: live together for a year, and then be engaged for about a year. But the summer before we got engaged (but after we'd already begun planning the engagement--purchased rings, etc), we were fighting a lot about his family, and I was questioning whether or not I wanted to essentially pay the price of admission to be a part of his family. When I brought up counseling, he had a million reasons why we weren't going to be able to get couple's counseling--and he wouldn't be able to get individual therapy--before the engagement, so I suggested we put off the engagement until we'd started therapy and been in it for a while. To him, this wasn't acceptable and--like the postponement of the wedding--was like me breaking up with him.

    So basically, I feel like I've committed to marrying him since before we were even engaged. What was the point of waiting until the end of the summer to get engaged then, if I we were already committed to it?

    It doesn't help that I am one of those people who gets really irritated when they're told they can't do something, or they HAVE to do something. So tell me that we can't postpone the wedding when obviously we CAN postpone it, and I get irritated and think, "Oh, I can't? OH REALLY?" I'm trying not to think that way, but it's creeping up on me.

    @blue to answer your post in particular, I've been harping on him for a long time to take better care of himself (especially drinking less). And I don't know his full medical history very well. That's something I need to think about. And in terms of the plan for after graduation--one thing I've known going into this relationship is that J is not going to leave the Boston area. That's honestly not a deal-breaker for me, and it's one of those things that I hope can change, but it's okay if it doesn't. I like your point about what's best for WE--I think J needs to figure out that if he wants to be married (which he insists he does), he needs to prioritize our marriage and make decisions that are best for both of us. And it that means I'm offered a dream position in Providence or Chicago or San Francisco or DC, he needs to be able to consider what that means for us as a family.

    I really wish I weren't still feeling so resentful about the fight this week. Normally, after we make up, I feel a lot better. I guess I feel like there's something really wrong in our relationship, and we are both aware of it, and I kind of wish that he wouldn't act like everything's fine.

    Although in his defense, I am currently telling him that I'm quiet and moody tonight because I'm so tired from Remicade, when in reality it's like ... 60% Remicade 40% hello do you not remember that we are having problemz?
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2014
    Would it be helpful to have another discussion with him about postponing the wedding in a few days? Maybe if he didn't see it as a part of a fight, he'd be able to see it from your perspective and be more open to it? I'm really sorry you are struggling with this and I'm sure having it happen right after your medical treatment isn't helping things at all. I think what I would do is just start writing down everything you're thinking about your relationship, the wedding, the future, etc. And when you're feeling better look over all of it again and it could help you sort out what are the big things that really need to be addressed and what are the smaller things being amplified by your exhaustion. I don't know how much it will help but I used to do it a lot when BF and I were going through a rough patch a couple years ago. I felt like we could have discussions, instead of arguments about it and then BF was more open to seeing my perspective and vise versa. But for now focus on taking care of yourself and feeling better! *hugs*


  • BreMRBreMR member
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    I think @bethsmiles is on to something about bringing it up again in a few days so he understands where you're coming from.  Especially if he thinks the fight is resolved but you still feel like there could have been more of a resolution.

    Talking in a few days allows the rationality to be more present and it can be more about your relationship as a whole and not one particular event.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    edited June 2014
    So many hugs! 

    This sounds like a hard situation. I have very mild OCD. I understand OCD as much as a non-scientist studying OCD can. I know that OCD manifests itself differently in everyone, but like PP says... the issue of family coming first is not because of OCD. His issue with changing plans at the last minute might be. But since you brought it up earlier in the week, again, that's seems like a cop out to me, or him letting his symptoms go unchecked at the expense of your relationship. 

    I agree that it sounds like its a communication thing. You brought up "how could you stay there when you KNEW I needed to sleep!", he hears "You must do exactly what I say!". What you really were bothered by was "why is it so hard to put me above your family hang out sesh??" I think giving it a few days and trying to come up with a different way of calmly explaining the "want vs need" and team issue is important. 

    My friend just started dating a guy a month or two ago. She felt like he was putting his family above her, and should spend the night with her instead of his mom. I told her... you haven't earned the designation of coming above his mother/ family yet. You get that when you've been together long enough to KNOW that this is going to be your life partner. You HAVE earned that. You are becoming his new immediate family. Within reason, you should come first.  

    I am going to reiterate what PP have said  though,  even if it is annoying: the issue of him needing to be home for you to sleep is not healthy. I understand ENTIRELY the fear and anxiety that this causes. I experience it. I imagine car crashes and horrible things. But that is anxiety... you can not prevent those horrible things from occurring. Waiting up for him won't stop those things from happening. Learning to cope with that anxiety and letting your body and mind sleep when it needs to is just as important to your health and your and your fiance's sanity as your FI learning to cope with OCD is to his health and your and his sanity. 

    Like @BreMR said, I think you need to move away from focusing on specific past events.  I think you need to re-frame the argument. Because he can not change what he did in the past, nor can you. And focusing on particular events or things he did wrong or you did wrong is a recipe to play the blame game and get defensive. I think speaking in bigger terms (i.e. we are a team, you should communicate details to me, etc.) often helps that issue. But if you can NOT get past prior events, then that's really something to think about. 

    His fears about post-poning the marriage are valid, but so are your fears that this lack of communication will continue into a marriage. Lack of communication in a marriage is more important to fix than succumbing to anxiety about how people perceive you. I think it would be worth saying "I want to enter this marriage as a healthy couple. I want to marry you. That isn't the issue. Post-poning does not mean a break up, because I love you and WANT to marry you, but it will not help us as a couple to get married with these underlying issues that keep popping up with absolutely no resolution. Here is what causes me pain: x, y, z." 

    You can get through this. More hugs. 

  • cu97tiger said:
    @phira - This might be stating the obvious, but only one person needs to be involved in postponing the wedding. If you are not comfortable moving forward with wedding planning right now, then stop doing it. You have the invitations and the venue. If everything in your relationship sorts itself out by then, then go ahead and send them. But by moving forward with plans (like dance lessons), you're sending a signal to your FI that you weren't serious about postponing it, and that you are back 'on' the wedding train.
    SOOOO much of this. 



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  • @phira I just went back and reread some responses, and realized that I covered things that you already mentioned you were working on, and that PP covered things I wrote better than I did. Sorry about that. 

    So, for me, it boils down to trying to figure your feelings/ needs out. Do you need J? Do you dread a break up because you love him and don't want to live your life without him? Or are you dreading a break up because breakups are hard and you'd lose money? The last one is not a reason to stay in a relationship. 

    Is your relationship damaging your physical and mental health? If yes... does J understand this? Because knowing that his and your lack of communication is causing you pain should also cause him pain, and make him more apt to work on solutions. And by solutions, I mean solutions that you actually feel are taking place as opposed to just not arguing about it for another month or two and then returning to the same issues. 

    I haven't been around that long, so I don't know as many details about you or your relationship as other posters do, but the way you write about your relationship on this post makes it sound like you are mentally checked out, and that J does not prioritize either your well being or your relationship the way he should. If I'm wrong, and you want to yell "yes he does! don't be mean to my J!", then I'm glad. Feeling that type of love and protection for a person is important. I hope he feels the same way about you, and his actions actually show it. 
  • phiraphira member
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    @lilacck28 You're definitely right that I need to figure out how to deal with my sleep issues, especially when they're intersecting with J's behavior. Because, like you said, it's not much different from him needing to work on his issues when they affect me. I'm hoping that if I know what time he'll be home, it'll be easier, but I'm hoping that eventually that won't even be necessary. For what it's worth, I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping if he was still awake in the other room and I knew he was going to come in at some point. That's not a problem anymore.

    I do want to marry him, and I do want to spend my life with him. It's definitely not about money or the inconvenience of a break-up. And I said, almost verbatim, what you suggested at the end of your first post. He's stuck on the money involved in postponing and the shame of having to tell people; I'm not.

    @cu97tiger I mean, you might be stating the obvious, but it's still something I need to hear. I kind of feel like I'm already backing down by not calling the venue and asking if we can book a different date and apply a percentage of the deposit towards that, etc.

    Right now, I'm mostly just dealing with feeling like I can either marry J in November or I have to break up with him, since postponing the wedding is, to him, like breaking up with him. And I don't like that at all.
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  • This could be terrible advice.... but... If J needs a concrete answer to give people about why you are postponing the wedding besides "we're working on our relationship" , then maybe come up with one. "we need to save more money". "a work thing has come up". I don't know. That's basically lying which is not ever a great solution... but... I think your well being is more important than J feeling shame about what other people think. And it isn't really any one else's business WHY you are postponing. I think taking a few days to come to grips with what you're feeling is the right move.
  • phiraphira member
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    lilacck28 said:
    This could be terrible advice.... but... If J needs a concrete answer to give people about why you are postponing the wedding besides "we're working on our relationship" , then maybe come up with one. "we need to save more money". "a work thing has come up". I don't know. That's basically lying which is not ever a great solution... but... I think your well being is more important than J feeling shame about what other people think. And it isn't really any one else's business WHY you are postponing. I think taking a few days to come to grips with what you're feeling is the right move.
    I think he would default to lying and is just not in a headspace right now to think of one. But he comes from a family where no one talks about their relationships. No one. Which, I get it--I'm not going to sit down with my sister and talk to her about what goes on in her bedroom and compare experiences because ewwwww it's my sister. But my mom is one of my sounding boards for relationship advice, and I really couldn't comprehend not being able to say, privately, "Mom, the real reason J isn't at dinner tonight is that we had a fight."
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  • phira said:
    Right now, I'm mostly just dealing with feeling like I can either marry J in November or I have to break up with him, since postponing the wedding is, to him, like breaking up with him. And I don't like that at all.

    SITB
    First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  

    Second, the part I quoted doesn't seem quite right to me.  Even though postponing the wedding is "like breaking up" to J, that's not what it is.  And that's not what you'd be doing.  By expressing your desire to postpone, you're expressing your emotional NEEDS, which is so important. 

    I don't have an easy answer, but it seems like you shouldn't have to feel stuck between marrying him and breaking up with him.  If your desire to postpone does lead to a breakup, it wouldn't be your fault in any way, if that makes sense.  So don't feel guilty about that (not sure if you do, but just putting that out there).
  • I'm stuck in a box that I didn't even quote. WTF TK formatting.
    Anyway, @cu97tiger is all up in my headspace today, because her last comment is exactly what I was going to say. 



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  • minskat30 said:
    I agree with PP.  Delaying a wedding is not like breaking up. Hell, even taking space from each other for a few weeks or so doesn't always mean breaking up.  It is also a wee bit childish/selfish for J to be more worried about "what people will think" rather than what you both as a couple need to make your relationship work.  Does he think these problems will just go away when you marry?  I assure you the enormity of them will just grow if this doesn't get fixed pre-marriage and as you become more and more resentful after marriage that nothing has changed. 
    THIS THIS THIS.

    It's like people who have a shitty marriage and think that having a baby will fix it. NOPEFISH. It doesn't make the problems go away, it just exacerbates the problem. 



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  • phiraphira member
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    I think that what he's having trouble accepting is that there are things that are deal-breakers for me that aren't deal-breakers for him. So when I say, "I can't imagine dealing with these same problems for the rest of our lives," he's thinking, "Well, I would rather deal with these problems than end the relationship."
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