Maid of honor not interested & not wanting to help me

coleford0 · June 2014

Sheesh! Not sure why these girls think making snarky/judgemental/catty replies is any help at all.

While I agree with some of the ladies saying that MOH isn't required to help before the big day, and isn't REQUIRED to throw a bachelorette party or shower, I think I would have similar feelings as you. In my circle of friends and family and outer circle of friends of friends and friends of family, it is normal that a bride gets a bachelorette party or a shower - even if it was something low key. I think I would be a little sad too if my best friends didn't throw a little get together...especially when it is kind of the norm to at least offer (AGAIN - I KNOW IT'S NOT REQUIRED!).

I don't think the OP is being a bridezilla.... it's not like she said she was planning on firing her MOH for her actions or planning on getting into a fist fight about it, just said she was feeling sad.

OP - Your bestie is probably very excited and happy for you, but some people just show this in a different way... or take a little longer to get excited. Don't be too disappointed just yet!

manateehugger · June 2014

coleford0 said:

Sheesh! Not sure why these girls think making snarky/judgemental/catty replies is any help at all.

While I agree with some of the ladies saying that MOH isn't required to help before the big day, and isn't REQUIRED to throw a bachelorette party or shower, I think I would have similar feelings as you. In my circle of friends and family and outer circle of friends of friends and friends of family, it is normal that a bride gets a bachelorette party or a shower - even if it was something low key. I think I would be a little sad too if my best friends didn't throw a little get together...especially when it is kind of the norm to at least offer (AGAIN - I KNOW IT'S NOT REQUIRED!).

I don't think the OP is being a bridezilla.... it's not like she said she was planning on firing her MOH for her actions or planning on getting into a fist fight about it, just said she was feeling sad.

OP - Your bestie is probably very excited and happy for you, but some people just show this in a different way... or take a little longer to get excited. Don't be too disappointed just yet!

No one said she didn't have the right to be sad or disappointed to not have these parties. I fully understand being disappointed.

However, these parties are gifts and should not be expected. It's not fair to expect MOHs to blow tons of time and money on their friends for a one-day deal, nor is it fair to expect a MOH to squee and jump up and down over every wedding detail.

No one has a responsibility to plan a wedding except the two people getting married. No one has the responsibility to develop a friggin savings plan for a wedding except the two people getting married. The idea that this MOH should have been saving up for over year to buy anything wedding-related other than her dress is absolutely ridiculous, and yes, bridezillaish.

thisismynickname2 · June 2014

People aren't trying to be catty in the responses. These kinds of posts come up all the time, and here's the problem: "No bachelorette party planning, no bridal shower planning, no offering to help me with ANY planning, not even asking me in conversation how planning is going."

I would be disappointed if the entire bridal party didn't throw me a bach party (it's not solely up to the MOH), but the "any planning" part always trips up everyone here. What EXACTLY does "any planning" even mean? Seriously?

Honestly, everyone's entitled to their feelings if their expectations aren't met, but there are skewed expectations. If I talked about our invitation design to anyone but FI and the person designing them, their eyes would glaze over. Same with bouquets. Same with centerpieces. What "help" is needed? It always sounds scarily co-dependent to me. You have a FI, get him (or her) to help you.

That's all...

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Clark2k15 said:

I don't really understand why these replies are so catty...it's not really helping anyone. While it's true that your MOH isn't under any "real" obligation to help you, it is a generally accepted societal norm that the MOH does certain things. I know that I personally (as well as many people I know) would never accept the title of MOH if I didn't think I could also plan XYZ...the "extras" are part of the honor, I think. I mean, what kind of friend doesn't want to do anything but show up to the wedding day?

I used to think this...until I began to experience similar feelings/expectations from a bride who sounds similar to the OP. I was asked to be a wedding for a great friend of mine, who I spoke to daily and considered one of my best friends. Once she began planning, the bride never asked me about how anything was going for me, never wanted to talk about anything that wasn't about her over-the-top wedding and insulted me several times by complaining to me that my money wasn't going toward her special day. "I just thought, you know, you would be aware you'd spending money on me!" Exact words.

After that, I just got the dress, showed up, smiled for pictures and I have yet to hear from her since then. That wasn't my intention when I first asked to be in the bridal party but it became very clear to me that during that wedding planning process that the bride was only caring for those who were attending her every whine and keeping track who was spending the most money/kissing the most ass.

If you want your friends to be there for you, it works both ways.

Jen4948 · June 2014

coleford0 said:

Sheesh! Not sure why these girls think making snarky/judgemental/catty replies is any help at all.

While I agree with some of the ladies saying that MOH isn't required to help before the big day, and isn't REQUIRED to throw a bachelorette party or shower, I think I would have similar feelings as you. In my circle of friends and family and outer circle of friends of friends and friends of family, it is normal that a bride gets a bachelorette party or a shower - even if it was something low key. I think I would be a little sad too if my best friends didn't throw a little get together...especially when it is kind of the norm to at least offer (AGAIN - I KNOW IT'S NOT REQUIRED!).

I don't think the OP is being a bridezilla.... it's not like she said she was planning on firing her MOH for her actions or planning on getting into a fist fight about it, just said she was feeling sad.

OP - Your bestie is probably very excited and happy for you, but some people just show this in a different way... or take a little longer to get excited. Don't be too disappointed just yet!

Stuck in box...

No one is being "catty."

The truth is, a lot of what otherwise well-meaning people think about what bridesmaids are supposed to do is fed by the wedding industry, which is for-profit, and TVs, movies, and books, which again are not always accurate portrayals.

Another truth is, bridesmaids and maids/matrons of honor really only have 5 duties wedding-wise:

1) Obtain the required outfit
2) Show up wearing it
3) Be on time
4) Refrain from consumption or use of alcohol and mind-affecting substances
5) Be in good spirits

And just about all of them have other things going on in their lives, such as school, work, partners, children, other family, other friends, health issues, money issues, and various other activities. At any given time, any one or combination of these may be more important to even the most intensely enthusiastic best friend than one's wedding.

Jen4948 · June 2014

coleford0 said:

Sheesh! Not sure why these girls think making snarky/judgemental/catty replies is any help at all.

While I agree with some of the ladies saying that MOH isn't required to help before the big day, and isn't REQUIRED to throw a bachelorette party or shower, I think I would have similar feelings as you. In my circle of friends and family and outer circle of friends of friends and friends of family, it is normal that a bride gets a bachelorette party or a shower - even if it was something low key. I think I would be a little sad too if my best friends didn't throw a little get together...especially when it is kind of the norm to at least offer (AGAIN - I KNOW IT'S NOT REQUIRED!).

I don't think the OP is being a bridezilla.... it's not like she said she was planning on firing her MOH for her actions or planning on getting into a fist fight about it, just said she was feeling sad.

OP - Your bestie is probably very excited and happy for you, but some people just show this in a different way... or take a little longer to get excited. Don't be too disappointed just yet!

Stuck in box...

No one is being "catty."

The truth is, a lot of what otherwise well-meaning people think about what bridesmaids are supposed to do is fed by the wedding industry, which is for-profit, and TVs, movies, and books, which again are not always accurate portrayals.

Another truth is, bridesmaids and maids/matrons of honor really only have 5 duties wedding-wise:

1) Obtain the required outfit
2) Show up wearing it
3) Be on time
4) Refrain from consumption or use of alcohol and mind-affecting substances
5) Be in good spirits

And just about all of them have other things going on in their lives, such as school, work, partners, children, other family, other friends, health issues, money issues, and various other activities. At any given time, any one or combination of these may be more important to even the most intensely enthusiastic best friend than one's wedding.

brandi902 · June 2014

I disagree with most responses, because I feel that your MOH does have certain expectations. If the MOH is just expected to get the dress and show up the day of, then why isn't she just a Bridesmaid? I chose my sister as my MOH, not only because that's who I wanted standing by my side, but also because I know that she is very organized, a good planner/executor, and will make sure that what I want will happen and be the very best.

The MOH, as well as the bridesmaids and the MOB, are expected to throw/host the Bridal Shower. My sister has made invitations for the shower, as well as for our Engagement Party when the host of that party fell short, and is planning my shower, as well as helping me to plan the Bachelorette Party. The other bridesmaids are having input on the shower, then reimbursing my sister for their share.

I allowed all of my Bridesmaids, including the MOH, to have input on their dresses, but in the end I made the final decision, while considering their opinions and options. It is your wedding, so your final say is what counts, though I wouldn't be a "Bridezilla" about it.

I've seen some wedding parties get exorbitantly large, and in this case I think your only job is to buy the dress and show up, because the bride's family is probably taking care of everything else. For this reason, I stuck with only asking a few girls...this way they get input that gets heard and I can use each of them for their strengths. When you chose Bridesmaids and an MOH on the basis of what these positions used to mean, then the girls that you choose are supposed to be there as much as possible in helping the Bride to plan and execute whatever she needs, so that the day of the wedding goes as smoothly as possible. If they were just there to look pretty, then why do you get them a gift? This is supposed to be a Thank You for all of the help along the way.

I wouldn't lose a friendship over this. I thought that I was going to be the most laid back bride, and I've even come close to stepping over the line, but it came down to my sister and I talking it out and both expressing our sides. After this, we understood where the misunderstandings were and we were able to correct them and move on. It sounds as though your MOH may have a different opinion as to her duties as your "Maid of HONOR," and I would sit her down and talk to her about it. Don't lay any expectations on the conversation, just ask her what she feels she should be doing, because you would like her to be more involved, because you value her opinion as your friend. Explain why you chose her as your MOH, and then if she says that she can't commit to what you expect, then you know what to expect or not to expect. You can either make her a "Bridesmaid," or leave her as MOH and see if your other Bridesmaids can step in a little more to help you out.

This is not supposed to be a stressful and unhappy time. You're getting married to your best friend and the love of your life and you should be focused on that. In the end the only thing that will matter the day after you're married, is that you and he were married....and hopefully everything else went smoothly.

Jen4948 · June 2014

brandi902 said:

I disagree with most responses, because I feel that your MOH does have certain expectations. If the MOH is just expected to get the dress and show up the day of, then why isn't she just a Bridesmaid? I chose my sister as my MOH, not only because that's who I wanted standing by my side, but also because I know that she is very organized, a good planner/executor, and will make sure that what I want will happen and be the very best.

The MOH, as well as the bridesmaids and the MOB, are expected to throw/host the Bridal Shower. My sister has made invitations for the shower, as well as for our Engagement Party when the host of that party fell short, and is planning my shower, as well as helping me to plan the Bachelorette Party. The other bridesmaids are having input on the shower, then reimbursing my sister for their share.

I allowed all of my Bridesmaids, including the MOH, to have input on their dresses, but in the end I made the final decision, while considering their opinions and options. It is your wedding, so your final say is what counts, though I wouldn't be a "Bridezilla" about it.

I've seen some wedding parties get exorbitantly large, and in this case I think your only job is to buy the dress and show up, because the bride's family is probably taking care of everything else. For this reason, I stuck with only asking a few girls...this way they get input that gets heard and I can use each of them for their strengths. When you chose Bridesmaids and an MOH on the basis of what these positions used to mean, then the girls that you choose are supposed to be there as much as possible in helping the Bride to plan and execute whatever she needs, so that the day of the wedding goes as smoothly as possible. If they were just there to look pretty, then why do you get them a gift? This is supposed to be a Thank You for all of the help along the way.

I wouldn't lose a friendship over this. I thought that I was going to be the most laid back bride, and I've even come close to stepping over the line, but it came down to my sister and I talking it out and both expressing our sides. After this, we understood where the misunderstandings were and we were able to correct them and move on. It sounds as though your MOH may have a different opinion as to her duties as your "Maid of HONOR," and I would sit her down and talk to her about it. Don't lay any expectations on the conversation, just ask her what she feels she should be doing, because you would like her to be more involved, because you value her opinion as your friend. Explain why you chose her as your MOH, and then if she says that she can't commit to what you expect, then you know what to expect or not to expect. You can either make her a "Bridesmaid," or leave her as MOH and see if your other Bridesmaids can step in a little more to help you out.

This is not supposed to be a stressful and unhappy time. You're getting married to your best friend and the love of your life and you should be focused on that. In the end the only thing that will matter the day after you're married, is that you and he were married....and hopefully everything else went smoothly.

Bullshit. There is no "expectation" that any bridesmaid or maid or matron of honor is supposed to throw a party for the bride. Nor is there any "expectation" that they "help out" with shopping, setup, or cleanup at the wedding or anything related to it.

All any attendant is required to do is obtain the designated outfit and show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits. The bride and groom are not "entitled" to any parties or non-hired help whatsoever, and their deciding that they are is 'zillaish.

jneen101 · June 2014

All of this could have been avoided if you just had her a binder of duties and a cute poem telling her what you expect.

Viczaesar · June 2014

brandi902 said:

I disagree with most responses, because I feel that your MOH does have certain expectations. Do you also feel the sky is green and rabbit pellets are raisinets? If the MOH is just expected to get the dress and show up the day of, then why isn't she just a Bridesmaid? Because MOH is the title you give to the person to whom you're closest, not your busiest bridal bitch. I chose my sister as my MOH, not only because that's who I wanted standing by my side, but also because I know that she is very organized, a good planner/executor, and will make sure that what I want will happen and be the very best. Everything after "but also" is a shitty reason to make someone your MOH.

thisismynickname2 · June 2014

brandi902 said:

I disagree with most responses, because I feel that your MOH does have certain expectations. If the MOH is just expected to get the dress and show up the day of, then why isn't she just a Bridesmaid? I chose my sister as my MOH, not only because that's who I wanted standing by my side, but also because I know that she is very organized, a good planner/executor, and will make sure that what I want will happen and be the very best.

The MOH, as well as the bridesmaids and the MOB, are expected to throw/host the Bridal Shower. My sister has made invitations for the shower, as well as for our Engagement Party when the host of that party fell short, and is planning my shower, as well as helping me to plan the Bachelorette Party. The other bridesmaids are having input on the shower, then reimbursing my sister for their share.

I allowed all of my Bridesmaids, including the MOH, to have input on their dresses, but in the end I made the final decision, while considering their opinions and options. It is your wedding, so your final say is what counts, though I wouldn't be a "Bridezilla" about it.

I've seen some wedding parties get exorbitantly large, and in this case I think your only job is to buy the dress and show up, because the bride's family is probably taking care of everything else. For this reason, I stuck with only asking a few girls...this way they get input that gets heard and I can use each of them for their strengths. When you chose Bridesmaids and an MOH on the basis of what these positions used to mean, then the girls that you choose are supposed to be there as much as possible in helping the Bride to plan and execute whatever she needs, so that the day of the wedding goes as smoothly as possible. If they were just there to look pretty, then why do you get them a gift? This is supposed to be a Thank You for all of the help along the way.

I wouldn't lose a friendship over this. I thought that I was going to be the most laid back bride, and I've even come close to stepping over the line, but it came down to my sister and I talking it out and both expressing our sides. After this, we understood where the misunderstandings were and we were able to correct them and move on. It sounds as though your MOH may have a different opinion as to her duties as your "Maid of HONOR," and I would sit her down and talk to her about it. Don't lay any expectations on the conversation, just ask her what she feels she should be doing, because you would like her to be more involved, because you value her opinion as your friend. Explain why you chose her as your MOH, and then if she says that she can't commit to what you expect, then you know what to expect or not to expect. You can either make her a "Bridesmaid," or leave her as MOH and see if your other Bridesmaids can step in a little more to help you out.

This is not supposed to be a stressful and unhappy time. You're getting married to your best friend and the love of your life and you should be focused on that. In the end the only thing that will matter the day after you're married, is that you and he were married....and hopefully everything else went smoothly.

Hi,

You're a victim of the industry.

That is all.

VulgarGirl · June 2014

I firmly expected my bridesmaid and bridesmen to keep away all evil spirits as is their most traditional job.

Lizzieyounce · June 2014

MagicInk said:

I firmly expected my bridesmaid and bridesmen to keep away all evil spirits as is their most traditional job.

Shit, I made mine sacrifice a chicken at the RD then sprinkle holy water all over me, the limo, and the groom the day of.

missteacherlady16 · June 2014

I really cannot believe how catty some women are on this site. Let me preface this by saying that I am currently planning my wedding and have not had the pleasure (you read that right) of being in any of my friend's weddings since I am the first to get married. With that said, no I wouldn't expect any of your friends to be over-the-moon ready and loaded to plan your wedding with you BUT I think if you agree to be a bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honor, you do understand that there is some financial responsibility involved in that. Meaning, no she shouldn't put her life on hold because of your wedding but also it's not okay to plan vacations AFTER she knew the date of your wedding. That's inconsiderate. I'm really not sure how that point can be defended.

Reading through some of these comments other posters have said (though, I'll be honest, I kind of stopped reading after the fifth bridezilla accusation), I'm honestly thankful for my MOH who has her own business and is extremely busy and still has time to give a quick opinion on a pair of shoes that I was considering wearing the day of the wedding. Unfortunately, I don't have advice for you on how to make your MOH more excited for you. True it's not her day but if she loves you, she should be at least a little excited too. Regardless, I can understand why you are feeling hurt and I am sorry you feel that way. My best advice would be to have a you and her day, no wedding talk, and see if maybe something else is going on that might be making her less than enthusiastic about your big day. It's also just possible that you may be talking more about your wedding than you realize, and that can get annoying if you can't have entire conversation without mentioning (though I understand, you're excited and stressed, I know the feeling!).

I hope you are able to sort things out! And congrats on getting married

manateehugger · June 2014

ShellyDanger said:

I really cannot believe how catty some women are on this site. Let me preface this by saying that I am currently planning my wedding and have not had the pleasure (you read that right) of being in any of my friend's weddings since I am the first to get married. With that said, no I wouldn't expect any of your friends to be over-the-moon ready and loaded to plan your wedding with you BUT I think if you agree to be a bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honor, you do understand that there is some financial responsibility involved in that. Meaning, no she shouldn't put her life on hold because of your wedding but also it's not okay to plan vacations AFTER she knew the date of your wedding. That's inconsiderate. I'm really not sure how that point can be defended.

Reading through some of these comments other posters have said (though, I'll be honest, I kind of stopped reading after the fifth bridezilla accusation), I'm honestly thankful for my MOH who has her own business and is extremely busy and still has time to give a quick opinion on a pair of shoes that I was considering wearing the day of the wedding. Unfortunately, I don't have advice for you on how to make your MOH more excited for you. True it's not her day but if she loves you, she should be at least a little excited too. Regardless, I can understand why you are feeling hurt and I am sorry you feel that way. My best advice would be to have a you and her day, no wedding talk, and see if maybe something else is going on that might be making her less than enthusiastic about your big day. It's also just possible that you may be talking more about your wedding than you realize, and that can get annoying if you can't have entire conversation without mentioning (though I understand, you're excited and stressed, I know the feeling!).

I hope you are able to sort things out! And congrats on getting married

I stopped reading after the bolded.

Are you fucking kidding me?! Someone should not plan a family vacation because they are in a wedding? Seriously?! Seriously?!

I haven't co-hosted showers before because I was saving money for a plane ticket to visit my then long-distance FI. If my friend/bride had DARED to say anything to me about that, that would have been the end of the friendship. Period.

As long as the trip doesn't coincide with the wedding weekend, the bride needs to keep her mouth shut. That is one of the most ludicrous, self-absorbed things I've ever heard on here. Brides do not get monopolies on their friend's spending habits.

missteacherlady16 · June 2014

I think you are completely overreacting to my comment. Okay? Okay?!!

Also, she said vacationS, not just one vacation. And no one said it was a family vacation - we only know what we were told so stop trying to fill in the holes.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

ShellyDanger said:

I think you are completely overreacting to my comment. Okay? Okay?!!

Also, she said vacationS, not just one vacation. And no one said it was a family vacation - we only know what we were told so stop trying to fill in the holes.

A person should be allowed to plan a vacation (whether that be a family vacation, a friends vacation, a solo vacation, or a sexfest vacation) whenever the fuck they want even if they are in a wedding. As long as the vacation doesn't fall on the wedding date (because that is the only date that they agreed to) then it doesn't matter. No one should have to stop their lives because you are getting married.

missteacherlady16 · June 2014

Okay okay okay you are right.

ohannabelle · June 2014

Yes. 100% right.

lc07 · June 2014

I'm so glad my friends aren't crazy.

PrincessOfHavoc · June 2014

lc07 said:
I'm so glad my friends aren't crazy.

Hey now, my friends are crazy, I'm crazy and we don't dare do this shit.

I have a Matron of Honor. Not a personal butt wiper. There are no bridesmaids. Nor are there brideslaves. Only damn thing I voluntolded anyone was DF about the wedding cake and even then, since I know the only cake he likes is chocolate, I'm not sure refusing to consider anything but chocolate to really count. I guess I voluntolded my MOH to tell me if she needs anything special because she's going to be very pregnant and I want her to be as comfortable as possible.

If sitting up watching crappy television while drinking chocolate milkshakes with MOH the night before counts for a bachelorette party, sweet I'm having one.

And I still would rather avoid a bridal shower, though good luck talking certain people out of that. Ugh, I don't like opening gifts in front of people, it seems kind of wrong.

bmydesigner · June 2014

@missteacherlady16 you bet they're right. Sorry, you don't get to dictate other people's lives just because they're in your wedding. My MOH will probably go across country sometime before my wedding because her BF lives there. My FILS are planning a family vacation (without FI and I) somewhere probably just a few WEEKS before our wedding. Does this make my wedding any less legit? NO. I don't care what these people do with their lives. They are free to vacation as they please. I seriously can not fathom why you think it is okay to dictate when people can vacation... ETA: bye paragraphs..

missteacherlady16 · June 2014

@bmydesigner I conceded. I saw the error of my words. Are we still talking about this? Can we move on?

You are all 100% correct and I am 100% wrong

Liatris2010 · June 2014

Let me get this straight.

Telling someone that expecting their friends to buy expensive dresses and host parties in their honor is "catty". But fighting with your friends because they won't spend their money and time how you want is accepted and normal. I'm glad my friendships don't follow your rules.

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