Who is in charge of hosting/planning a bridal shower for a second marriage?

ladyface729 · June 2014

I'm trying to put all my other feelings aside about my new aunt to be and go from strictly an etiquette standpoint:

This is my uncle's second marriage and he and his bride to be are in their 40s and 50s. My grandmother is insisting that we need to throw her a bridal shower (My mom, my aunt, my sister and myself). It is not her first marriage, nor is it his. I think if they are throwing any type of shower it would be thrown by her family. Her family is not hosting any sort of bridal shower or anything that we are aware of or are invited to.

Am I in the wrong here?

I might also just be bitter because she's stealing my wedding/engagement thunder (as well as venue).

I need an unbiased opinion! Thanks!!!

Jen4948 · June 2014

Showers aren't required even for a first marriage, let alone a second.

If it's that important to your grandmother that there be a shower, she can throw it herself.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

ladyface729 said: I'm trying to put all my other feelings aside about my new aunt to be and go from strictly an etiquette standpoint: This is my uncle's second marriage and he and his bride to be are in their 40s and 50s. My grandmother is insisting that we need to throw her a bridal shower (My mom, my aunt, my sister and myself). It is not her first marriage, nor is it his. I think if they are throwing any type of shower it would be thrown by her family. Her family is not hosting any sort of bridal shower or anything that we are aware of or are invited to.Am I in the wrong here? I might also just be bitter because she's stealing my wedding/engagement thunder (as well as venue). I need an unbiased opinion! Thanks!!!
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Nobody has to throw her a shower. A shower is a gift for the couple, so if you don't want to be a host, just don't host a shower. You are well within your rights to decide this is not something you need to spend money or time on.

As for the bolded, that part you just need to get over. Everybody gets their day. You don't get to have all the "thunder" for your entire engagement period.

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

ladyface729 said:
I'm trying to put all my other feelings aside about my new aunt to be and go from strictly an etiquette standpoint:
This is my uncle's second marriage and he and his bride to be are in their 40s and 50s. My grandmother is insisting that we need to throw her a bridal shower (My mom, my aunt, my sister and myself). It is not her first marriage, nor is it his. I think if they are throwing any type of shower it would be thrown by her family. Her family is not hosting any sort of bridal shower or anything that we are aware of or are invited to.
Am I in the wrong here?
I might also just be bitter because she's stealing my wedding/engagement thunder (as well as venue).
I need an unbiased opinion! Thanks!!!

When is your wedding? When is theirs? A bride is still a bride whether it's a first, second, or fourth marriage (not re-do, but marriage after divorce or death.) PPs are right- there is no need for you, or anyone to throw them a shower. A shower is a nice gift from someone but certainly not mandatory. I did not have a shower! However, I'd like to understand how this is stealing your thunder. You get one day. While it might suck they chose the same venue, unless it's on the same day, I doubt the two weddings will be anything alike. I'm sure different budgets, decor, and most guests won't be the same, especially given the two different places you are at in life.

FWIW, please don't look down upon someone just because it's a second marriage. These couples are entitled to just as much happiness. Sometimes you have to find a frog before you find your prince.

Edit- grammar

SapphireCounselor · June 2014

My understanding is that if someone offers to host a shower for her, she can accept or decline as she sees fit, regardless of the fact that it is her second wedding. However, it is always rude to ask people to put on a shower for a you since this is a huge commitment in terms of time and money as well as a gift-giving occasion.

AddieCake · June 2014

If you don't want to throw her a shower, then don't. But don't judge how many times either of them has been married. And nobody is stealing your thunder, Thor.

QueerFemme · June 2014

Anyone can throw a shower or engagement party for anyone. If you don't want to, don't. But, your judgy pants are sorta gross.

ashley8918 · June 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

I'm trying to put all my other feelings aside about my new aunt to be and go from strictly an etiquette standpoint:
This is my uncle's second marriage and he and his bride to be are in their 40s and 50s. My grandmother is insisting that we need to throw her a bridal shower (My mom, my aunt, my sister and myself). It is not her first marriage, nor is it his. I think if they are throwing any type of shower it would be thrown by her family. Her family is not hosting any sort of bridal shower or anything that we are aware of or are invited to.
Am I in the wrong here?
I might also just be bitter because she's stealing my wedding/engagement thunder (as well as venue).
I need an unbiased opinion! Thanks!!!
When is your wedding? When is theirs? A bride is still a bride whether it's a first, second, or fourth marriage (not re-do, but marriage after divorce or death.) PPs are right- there is no need for you, or anyone to throw them a shower. A shower is a nice gift from someone but certainly not mandatory. I did not have a shower! However, I'd like to understand how this is stealing your thunder. You get one day. While it might suck they chose the same venue, unless it's on the same day, I doubt the two weddings will be anything alike. I'm sure different budgets, decor, and most guests won't be the same, especially given the two different places you are at in life. FWIW, please don't look down upon someone just because it's a second marriage. These couples are entitled to just as much happiness. Sometimes you have to find a frog before you find your prince. Edit- grammar

AMEN.

ohannabelle · June 2014

You do understand that many many people will be married this year. And probably some that you know. Do you really feel that someone else's happiness will take away from your own? Get over that. There's enough happy to go around for everyone.

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

It is acceptable for anyone who's getting married to be honored with a shower if someone throws it, regardless of which time around this is. The person who is in charge of throwing a shower, is the person who offers to host it. I was a second time bride. My bridesmaids offered one, I declined a traditional one that required registering(we had everything we needed and I still had gifts from my first wedding) but I was open to some other suggestions that were tossed at me such as a spice party (everyone brings a different spice to stock your pantry) or a wine party but we didn't end up having one..... but those are a few ideas that can allow the event to happen in a more symbolic fashion if they aren't registering for gifts.

mysticl · June 2014

Like others said if you don't want to throw her a shower, don't.

The only way she stole your venue is if she somehow got them to cancel your contract so she could use it on that day at that time. Otherwise you do not have exclusive rights to the venue.

larrygaga · June 2014

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

AddieCake · June 2014

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

photokitty · June 2014

Jells2dot0 said:

I'm trying to put all my other feelings aside about my new aunt to be and go from strictly an etiquette standpoint:
This is my uncle's second marriage and he and his bride to be are in their 40s and 50s. My grandmother is insisting that we need to throw her a bridal shower (My mom, my aunt, my sister and myself). It is not her first marriage, nor is it his. I think if they are throwing any type of shower it would be thrown by her family. Her family is not hosting any sort of bridal shower or anything that we are aware of or are invited to.
Am I in the wrong here?
I might also just be bitter because she's stealing my wedding/engagement thunder (as well as venue).
I need an unbiased opinion! Thanks!!!
When is your wedding? When is theirs? A bride is still a bride whether it's a first, second, or fourth marriage (not re-do, but marriage after divorce or death.) PPs are right- there is no need for you, or anyone to throw them a shower. A shower is a nice gift from someone but certainly not mandatory. I did not have a shower! However, I'd like to understand how this is stealing your thunder. You get one day. While it might suck they chose the same venue, unless it's on the same day, I doubt the two weddings will be anything alike. I'm sure different budgets, decor, and most guests won't be the same, especially given the two different places you are at in life. FWIW, please don't look down upon someone just because it's a second marriage. These couples are entitled to just as much happiness. Sometimes you have to find a frog before you find your prince. Edit- grammar

^^This.

And whether or not her family is having a shower for her doesn't matter. Your grandma probably wants your family to have a shower for her some everyone can spend time with her, make her feel like a part of the family and celebrate the impending nuptials. You don't even know if the bride wants a shower. AS a second time bride I didn't want one for the reasons Muppet gave. However, if my husband's family had offered to host one I would have considered it so I could get to know them better.

FWIW, in my circle each side throws a shower for their own side. When my brothers got married, my sisters & I host the shower for our side and let the bride's family throw the shower for their side. It is cost prohibitive for someone to host one giant shower.

ladyface729 · June 2014

Wow! Thank you all so very much for the responses! I'm not trying to be a bitter bride-to-be and like I said there is a lot of very upsetting history as well as more recent events between her and our family that make it very difficult to want to do something nice for her. I suppose "stealing my thunder" was a bit dramatic; okay a lot dramatic lol. I'm making a solid effort to let that go especially because being bitter about it is just stressing me out when I should forget about it and enjoy planning my own wedding. I didn't want to hear that I was being a brat, but I'm glad you guys pointed it out because I needed to hear it. However that's neither here, nor there.

I want it to be known I have NOTHING against second marriages, I completely understand every bride deserves their day and just because it's your second, third, fourth whatever doesn't mean it shouldn't be as special. I just figured they already have all the basic things they need so we didn't need to throw a huge crazy shower for her. I was just curious about the etiquette of the situation. I did suggest a nice luncheon instead of a large shower and that seems to be a nice alternative with wine gifts in lieu of traditional gifts (Thanks for the idea MuppetOverlord). Thanks again everyone for all your help and constructive criticisms!

JCbride2015 · June 2014

ladyface729 said:

Wow! Thank you all so very much for the responses! I'm not trying to be a bitter bride-to-be and like I said there is a lot of very upsetting history as well as more recent events between her and our family that make it very difficult to want to do something nice for her. I suppose "stealing my thunder" was a bit dramatic; okay a lot dramatic lol. I'm making a solid effort to let that go especially because being bitter about it is just stressing me out when I should forget about it and enjoy planning my own wedding. I didn't want to hear that I was being a brat, but I'm glad you guys pointed it out because I needed to hear it. However that's neither here, nor there.

I want it to be known I have NOTHING against second marriages, I completely understand every bride deserves their day and just because it's your second, third, fourth whatever doesn't mean it shouldn't be as special. I just figured they already have all the basic things they need so we didn't need to throw a huge crazy shower for her. I was just curious about the etiquette of the situation. I did suggest a nice luncheon instead of a large shower and that seems to be a nice alternative with wine gifts in lieu of traditional gifts (Thanks for the idea MuppetOverlord). Thanks again everyone for all your help and constructive criticisms!

Thanks for taking criticism like a champ.

And you know, maybe if there is history, just totally stay out of the planning. Let your grandmother throw it, and attend as a guest. That's totally okay.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

Larry, you are great, but I'm with Addie on this one.

I think once we start deconstructing why second showers are weird, we start getting at why all showers are weird in this day and age. Most couples (both halves) have been out and established households before marriage. Showers no longer serve the traditional purpose of outfitting a bride to start her first household, which would of course have been entirely her own responsibility. We keep them around because they are fun and people like presents, but there is little practical difference between a first- and second- time bride in their actual need for a shower.

So, saying a second-time bride shouldn't get a shower is basically like saying I shouldn't get a shower because Fi and I have lived together for 5+ years. Showers serve very little traditional purpose anymore, no matter what time around it is.

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

As a second time bride, I think second showers are okay, but I think circumstances play into it some as well. After my divorce, I was left with half a kitchen, half a linen closet, etc. That is fine for just one person, but when now DH moved in- with kids- we now had a total Mish mash of things, still some holes in the kitchen area, and lots of items that needed upgrading. We married six years after my divorce and even longer after his. While the type of wedding I had did not dictate a shower, and we ended up purchasing almost everything we needed on our own, I don't think I would have declined one had we gone the more traditional route. It would have been one of the only times our families would have potentially gotten together and I would have kept it small/personal. I might question someone who got remarried 1-2 years after a divorce and who tried to make a really big deal out of it. But, again, who am I to know their situation following the divorce?

Kudos to OP for following up with us and keeping it real

ashleyep · June 2014

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

There are a lot of people who don't believe you would do that. My aunts all believe that you get one wedding blowout. If you get married a second time, they may or may not attend, but they probably won't bring you a gift. Because they gave you one the first time around. They believe you get one wedding gift. It's something they've discussed extensively regarding my cousin (who also tends to be the black sheep of the family). She was pregnant and married at 21, divorced two years later, and is now engaged again about 6 years later. Some of them chose not to attend her second shower for her child with her fiance.

ETA: not to say that I wouldn't, but there are people who think that.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

ashleyep said:

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

There are a lot of people who don't believe you would do that. My aunts all believe that you get one wedding blowout. If you get married a second time, they may or may not attend, but they probably won't bring you a gift. Because they gave you one the first time around. They believe you get one wedding gift. It's something they've discussed extensively regarding my cousin (who also tends to be the black sheep of the family). She was pregnant and married at 21, divorced two years later, and is now engaged again about 6 years later.

ETA: not to say that I wouldn't, but there are people who think that.

Sorry but that is kind of saying that since you already had one birthday and you received gifts you should never celebrate your birthday ever again or if you do you only get to celebrate on a small scale.

MandyMost · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

There are a lot of people who don't believe you would do that. My aunts all believe that you get one wedding blowout. If you get married a second time, they may or may not attend, but they probably won't bring you a gift. Because they gave you one the first time around. They believe you get one wedding gift. It's something they've discussed extensively regarding my cousin (who also tends to be the black sheep of the family). She was pregnant and married at 21, divorced two years later, and is now engaged again about 6 years later.

ETA: not to say that I wouldn't, but there are people who think that.

Sorry but that is kind of saying that since you already had one birthday and you received gifts you should never celebrate your birthday ever again or if you do you only get to celebrate on a small scale.

No, it's not like that at all. Because people expect you'll have a birthday again the next year. Wedding's are SUPPOSED to be only once per person--I mean, that's kinda the point of the vows and all that. And people give gifts and celebrate with that intention in mind.

I have no problem with people getting divorced and having second marriages at all, but you already got all those gifts the first time around. People shouldn't be expected to pony up twice just because your marriage didn't work out the first time around. What happened to those gifts? Your KitchenAid mixer didn't disappear just because you got divorced.

The shower is to get the couple things to begin their new life together. If you already got stuff to begin a life previously, I don't think it's right to ask those same family and friends to get you more stuff because you didn't end up liking where that life was going. That's why, to me, it's a little different for couples who have been living together for a long time. Even though they already have a household, this is the first (and should be only) time they are asking their friends and family to help them along toward a new stage of life.

Although, with that being said, I'm not having a shower. I'm in my early 30's, we own a house together, and we make more money that the majority of my family. I feel it is totally inappropriate to ask people to buy me these types of presents.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

MandyMost said:

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

There are a lot of people who don't believe you would do that. My aunts all believe that you get one wedding blowout. If you get married a second time, they may or may not attend, but they probably won't bring you a gift. Because they gave you one the first time around. They believe you get one wedding gift. It's something they've discussed extensively regarding my cousin (who also tends to be the black sheep of the family). She was pregnant and married at 21, divorced two years later, and is now engaged again about 6 years later.

ETA: not to say that I wouldn't, but there are people who think that.

Sorry but that is kind of saying that since you already had one birthday and you received gifts you should never celebrate your birthday ever again or if you do you only get to celebrate on a small scale.

No, it's not like that at all. Because people expect you'll have a birthday again the next year. Wedding's are SUPPOSED to be only once per person--I mean, that's kinda the point of the vows and all that. And people give gifts and celebrate with that intention in mind.

I have no problem with people getting divorced and having second marriages at all, but you already got all those gifts the first time around. People shouldn't be expected to pony up twice just because your marriage didn't work out the first time around. What happened to those gifts? Your KitchenAid mixer didn't disappear just because you got divorced.

The shower is to get the couple things to begin their new life together. If you already got stuff to begin a life previously, I don't think it's right to ask those same family and friends to get you more stuff because you didn't end up liking where that life was going. That's why, to me, it's a little different for couples who have been living together for a long time. Even though they already have a household, this is the first (and should be only) time they are asking their friends and family to help them along toward a new stage of life.

Although, with that being said, I'm not having a shower. I'm in my early 30's, we own a house together, and we make more money that the majority of my family. I feel it is totally inappropriate to ask people to buy me these types of presents.

Yeah but guess what? Shit happens and people get divorced or their spouses die. Are they not allowed to celebrate their second or third (or whatever) wedding because they happened to have had some bad luck their first go around?

You sound extremely judgmental honestly. Good for you for having "everything that you need" and thinking it is inappropriate to ask your not as wealthy as you friends and family to celebrate you and your upcoming wedding by buying you gifts.

And most people aren't dumb enough to register for shit that they already have (unless of course that shit is falling a part and/or broken) whether or not they are on their second marriage or their first.

Finally, you say a shower is to get a couple things to begin their new life together. Well guess what? When you are getting married again you are starting a new life together with someone so why can't that be celebrated and showered with gifts?

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

MandyMost said:

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

There are a lot of people who don't believe you would do that. My aunts all believe that you get one wedding blowout. If you get married a second time, they may or may not attend, but they probably won't bring you a gift. Because they gave you one the first time around. They believe you get one wedding gift. It's something they've discussed extensively regarding my cousin (who also tends to be the black sheep of the family). She was pregnant and married at 21, divorced two years later, and is now engaged again about 6 years later.

ETA: not to say that I wouldn't, but there are people who think that.

Sorry but that is kind of saying that since you already had one birthday and you received gifts you should never celebrate your birthday ever again or if you do you only get to celebrate on a small scale.

No, it's not like that at all. Because people expect you'll have a birthday again the next year. Wedding's are SUPPOSED to be only once per person--I mean, that's kinda the point of the vows and all that. And people give gifts and celebrate with that intention in mind.

I have no problem with people getting divorced and having second marriages at all, but you already got all those gifts the first time around. People shouldn't be expected to pony up twice just because your marriage didn't work out the first time around. What happened to those gifts? Your KitchenAid mixer didn't disappear just because you got divorced.

The shower is to get the couple things to begin their new life together. If you already got stuff to begin a life previously, I don't think it's right to ask those same family and friends to get you more stuff because you didn't end up liking where that life was going. That's why, to me, it's a little different for couples who have been living together for a long time. Even though they already have a household, this is the first (and should be only) time they are asking their friends and family to help them along toward a new stage of life.

Although, with that being said, I'm not having a shower. I'm in my early 30's, we own a house together, and we make more money that the majority of my family. I feel it is totally inappropriate to ask people to buy me these types of presents.

Ah- someone who has never been divorced! Very lucky!

You'd be surprised what happens to stuff during a divorce. My DH came home to clean out his stuff and his ex changed the locks, put the stuff she wanted him to have in the garage, and moved the rest of the stuff they had into a new home she had purchased after she left him. DH had the right to ask for access to the stuff, but it wasn't worth the $500/hour to get an attorney involved.

Or what if the first spouse passed on? The remaining spouse had to downsize, sell stuff at a garage sale, them two years later meets someone and decides to get remarried. Is that greedy?

A shower invite is not a summons. If a guest feels strongly about not buying another gift, they can decline to go. Even gifts for weddings are not mandatory nor should they be expected. In fact, most second+ marriage couples just want to celebrate with loved ones rather than receiving any type of gift or cash. A lot of them do decline showers as well!

I just think it's short-sighted for someone to think a divorced person is sitting there hoarding the gifts from the first marriage. Things get lost in agreements, moving, having to scrap together money to survive on one income again, etc. I was lucky enough to not have to scrape by, but I had a lot of nice gifts that had to go to the ex. Plus a lot of nice gifts that were monogrammed and were no longer fitting

CMGragain · June 2014

My dear young ladies, I have owned a home since 1978, and I still have many things that I bought before I was married, circa 1973. While I have no intention of ever getting married again (my DH is trouble enough!), I would love to replace my 40 year old Butterfly Gold Corelle, or get new stainless flatware. I have gone through several sets of pots and pans, and I do own ones that I like - finally. Just because someone has been married before doesn't mean that they couldn't use new potholders, dishtowels, placemats, etc.
My sister came out of her divorce with a set of Corelle, stainless flatware, and a washing machine, one newborn infant and minimal child support. A wedding shower was greatly appreciated when she finally found Mr. Right! Don't be so judgmental.

photokitty · June 2014

MandyMost said:
No, it's not like that at all. Because people expect you'll have a birthday again the next year. Wedding's are SUPPOSED to be only once per person--I mean, that's kinda the point of the vows and all that. And people give gifts and celebrate with that intention in mind.

I have no problem with people getting divorced and having second marriages at all, but you already got all those gifts the first time around. People shouldn't be expected to pony up twice just because your marriage didn't work out the first time around. What happened to those gifts? Your KitchenAid mixer didn't disappear just because you got divorced.

The shower is to get the couple things to begin their new life together. If you already got stuff to begin a life previously, I don't think it's right to ask those same family and friends to get you more stuff because you didn't end up liking where that life was going. That's why, to me, it's a little different for couples who have been living together for a long time. Even though they already have a household, this is the first (and should be only) time they are asking their friends and family to help them along toward a new stage of life.

Although, with that being said, I'm not having a shower. I'm in my early 30's, we own a house together, and we make more money that the majority of my family. I feel it is totally inappropriate to ask people to buy me these types of presents.

That's what I thought to, right up until I left my husband after 8 months.

I didn't have a shower the second time around. But, I don't appreciate your fuzzy purple fantasy idea of how things are SUPPOSED to work either.

If you don't want to give a second time bride a shower gift, don't go. If you don't want to give a wedding gifts because you gave one the first time, don't give one.

But maybe keep your - you're only supposed to get married one time - comments to yourself, because you never know if you'll find yourself on the other side. And the other side hurts a lot worse when used to believe marriage is forever. I honestly and sincerely hope your marriage is forever, I wasn't that lucky the first time.

mysticl · June 2014

My mother and father divorced. My father died between the time the divorce was finalized and the property settlement was done. Which meant the settlement was done between my mother and my father's estate. He had been living in the marital home and my mom had left most of the stuff behind when we left, she just wanted out. The way the court handled this was to order the house and everything in it to be sold at auction and the proceeds split between my mom and the estate. If she wanted to take any of the physical items they had to be appraised and the value was counted towards her "share". Of course they had to make sure the mortgage was paid off before the assets could be divided. And since it was sold at auction a lot of stuff was sold at way less than it's actual value.

MandyMost · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

MandyMost said:

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

There are a lot of people who don't believe you would do that. My aunts all believe that you get one wedding blowout. If you get married a second time, they may or may not attend, but they probably won't bring you a gift. Because they gave you one the first time around. They believe you get one wedding gift. It's something they've discussed extensively regarding my cousin (who also tends to be the black sheep of the family). She was pregnant and married at 21, divorced two years later, and is now engaged again about 6 years later.

ETA: not to say that I wouldn't, but there are people who think that.

Sorry but that is kind of saying that since you already had one birthday and you received gifts you should never celebrate your birthday ever again or if you do you only get to celebrate on a small scale.

No, it's not like that at all. Because people expect you'll have a birthday again the next year. Wedding's are SUPPOSED to be only once per person--I mean, that's kinda the point of the vows and all that. And people give gifts and celebrate with that intention in mind.

I have no problem with people getting divorced and having second marriages at all, but you already got all those gifts the first time around. People shouldn't be expected to pony up twice just because your marriage didn't work out the first time around. What happened to those gifts? Your KitchenAid mixer didn't disappear just because you got divorced.

The shower is to get the couple things to begin their new life together. If you already got stuff to begin a life previously, I don't think it's right to ask those same family and friends to get you more stuff because you didn't end up liking where that life was going. That's why, to me, it's a little different for couples who have been living together for a long time. Even though they already have a household, this is the first (and should be only) time they are asking their friends and family to help them along toward a new stage of life.

Although, with that being said, I'm not having a shower. I'm in my early 30's, we own a house together, and we make more money that the majority of my family. I feel it is totally inappropriate to ask people to buy me these types of presents.

Yeah but guess what? Shit happens and people get divorced or their spouses die. Are they not allowed to celebrate their second or third (or whatever) wedding because they happened to have had some bad luck their first go around?

You sound extremely judgmental honestly. Good for you for having "everything that you need" and thinking it is inappropriate to ask your not as wealthy as you friends and family to celebrate you and your upcoming wedding by buying you gifts.

And most people aren't dumb enough to register for shit that they already have (unless of course that shit is falling a part and/or broken) whether or not they are on their second marriage or their first.

Finally, you say a shower is to get a couple things to begin their new life together. Well guess what? When you are getting married again you are starting a new life together with someone so why can't that be celebrated and showered with gifts?

Wow, unlike you I believe it is possible to celebrate a happy occasion without asking people to buy me gifts. I think 2nd, 3rd, 100th weddings should ABSOLUTELY be celebrated. I just don't think you should repeatedly hit up your friends and family to finance your life. I don't want my celebrations to be financial burdens on them, why do you? If you want a new blender, go buy a new blender. If you can't afford one, that sucks, but that's life. It's rude, in my opinion, to register for things outside of your means anyway!

Maggie0829 · June 2014

MandyMost said:

Maggie0829 said:

MandyMost said:

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

AddieCake said:

larrygaga said:

I think second wedding showers are kinda gross. It's like a second baby shower. You don't have to do it. Throw her an awesome bachelorette party! Also, each of you get one day. Also, her wedding is just as important to her as yours is to you, second or no.

I don't understand people who feel this way. What is gross about it? If someone gets married and has a shower, gets divorced, and finds someone in the future to marry, he or she shouldn't get any more parties b/c he or she was married before? Nobody should bring the couple wedding presents? Because that's all a shower is. A party for people to bring wedding presents to. You'd give the couple a gift AT the wedding (or cash or send to their home, however you do it), right? What's the difference?

There are a lot of people who don't believe you would do that. My aunts all believe that you get one wedding blowout. If you get married a second time, they may or may not attend, but they probably won't bring you a gift. Because they gave you one the first time around. They believe you get one wedding gift. It's something they've discussed extensively regarding my cousin (who also tends to be the black sheep of the family). She was pregnant and married at 21, divorced two years later, and is now engaged again about 6 years later.

ETA: not to say that I wouldn't, but there are people who think that.

Sorry but that is kind of saying that since you already had one birthday and you received gifts you should never celebrate your birthday ever again or if you do you only get to celebrate on a small scale.

No, it's not like that at all. Because people expect you'll have a birthday again the next year. Wedding's are SUPPOSED to be only once per person--I mean, that's kinda the point of the vows and all that. And people give gifts and celebrate with that intention in mind.

I have no problem with people getting divorced and having second marriages at all, but you already got all those gifts the first time around. People shouldn't be expected to pony up twice just because your marriage didn't work out the first time around. What happened to those gifts? Your KitchenAid mixer didn't disappear just because you got divorced.

The shower is to get the couple things to begin their new life together. If you already got stuff to begin a life previously, I don't think it's right to ask those same family and friends to get you more stuff because you didn't end up liking where that life was going. That's why, to me, it's a little different for couples who have been living together for a long time. Even though they already have a household, this is the first (and should be only) time they are asking their friends and family to help them along toward a new stage of life.

Although, with that being said, I'm not having a shower. I'm in my early 30's, we own a house together, and we make more money that the majority of my family. I feel it is totally inappropriate to ask people to buy me these types of presents.

Yeah but guess what? Shit happens and people get divorced or their spouses die. Are they not allowed to celebrate their second or third (or whatever) wedding because they happened to have had some bad luck their first go around?

You sound extremely judgmental honestly. Good for you for having "everything that you need" and thinking it is inappropriate to ask your not as wealthy as you friends and family to celebrate you and your upcoming wedding by buying you gifts.

And most people aren't dumb enough to register for shit that they already have (unless of course that shit is falling a part and/or broken) whether or not they are on their second marriage or their first.

Finally, you say a shower is to get a couple things to begin their new life together. Well guess what? When you are getting married again you are starting a new life together with someone so why can't that be celebrated and showered with gifts?

Wow, unlike you I believe it is possible to celebrate a happy occasion without asking people to buy me gifts. I think 2nd, 3rd, 100th weddings should ABSOLUTELY be celebrated. I just don't think you should repeatedly hit up your friends and family to finance your life. I don't want my celebrations to be financial burdens on them, why do you? If you want a new blender, go buy a new blender. If you can't afford one, that sucks, but that's life. It's rude, in my opinion, to register for things outside of your means anyway!

So you are against showers in general not just for second or third etc weddings?

That is fine, you can be against them, but to say that second marriages should not be lavish and they should not be allowed showers is judgmental. Period.

I never asked for gifts but when someone was sweet enough to give me one I accepted them graciously. And surprisingly people may actually want to shower you with gifts because they want to celebrate your upcoming nuptials. It is not rude to accept that or be excited that people want to do that for you.

Jen4948 · June 2014

If there's a nasty divorce or some other tragedy that cleaned someone out, or it's been many years between weddings, I'm not going to side-eye a shower for a subsequent wedding. But if, for example, the marriage took place, say, three years ago and I was at a shower for that one, I'm not going to be in the mood to attend a subsequent shower, especially if the bride is keeping most of the things she got for her first wedding.

Fairyjen1 · June 2014

I've had several cousins divorce and re-marry. We celebrate second marriages as much as we did the first ones. Showers and all. I enjoy shopping for gifts and eating cake so I will attend a shower for a second time bride or groom.

My Fiance's family is different. He has been married once before and supposedly his first wedding was the traditional huge blowout. He sort of wanted that for ours too (I was good with the county clerks office, LOL), until he got the reaction from his extended family and friends. A lot of them pretty much said "That's great you found someone and we are very happy for you, but don't expect us to travel to your wedding, we already did that once!". (most of his family is scattered across the pacific northwest). I took this to also mean they aren't sending gifts, which is fine by me as I am not getting married to get gifts.

It's partly because of this I was able to convince him that a small immediate family only destination wedding was the way to go (his parents are fine with celebrating his second marriage and even offered to host the welcome dinner). We don't have to bother any friends or extended family who celebrated with him the first time and we all have to travel to get there so everyone is inconvenienced!!!

(Just kidding on the inconvenience part, we are hosting our families at Disneyland so everyone appears to be excited to go)

There are friends on my side that are a little miffed that they don't get to celebrate what is my first marriage, but we are doing what seems to be the most fair for both sides.

MandyMost · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:
So you are against showers in general not just for second or third etc weddings?

That is fine, you can be against them, but to say that second marriages should not be lavish and they should not be allowed showers is judgmental. Period.

I never asked for gifts but when someone was sweet enough to give me one I accepted them graciously. And surprisingly people may actually want to shower you with gifts because they want to celebrate your upcoming nuptials. It is not rude to accept that or be excited that people want to do that for you.

Whoa, NEVER said anything about second weddings not being lavish! Be as lavish as you want. I'm speaking only to the shower. A shower is a gift-giving event. Inviting someone to a shower is essentially asking them to buy you a gift. If you already asked everyone once, I don't think you should ask them again. Period. Same thing for second baby showers.

Who is in charge of hosting/planning a bridal shower for a second marriage?

Re: Who is in charge of hosting/planning a bridal shower for a second marriage?

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