Is it rude to ask divorced Dad & Mom to give me away, without my Stepmom?

VulgarGirl · June 2014

FWIW my divorced parents are walking me down the aisle together. And I'm not Jewish. It's not because they're a couple, it's because they're my parents, they didn't cease being my parents because they got divorced.

tammym1001 · June 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

tammym1001 said:

My advice comes from a recent bride and also a now step mother to 3 children who are all at marrying age. DH and I have had several discussions about traditions at weddings involving divorced parents due to our wedding being so recent and his sons all have friends who have been getting married recently.

DH's opinion - He and his ex-wife are no longer together and anything that implies to anyone at the wedding that they are still a couple such as; posing for pictures together, walking down the aisle together, sitting together, etc. is not something that he would be willing to do. He's no longer married to her and has no desire to spend any time with her beyond social niceties that he has to.

My opinion as a SM - I think it's rude to pretend like a parent isn't remarried to someone else or that your parents are happy being around each other if they aren't; however, I wouldn't really think anything if you had your mom and dad walk you down the aisle. I think that is a little different because they are walking with you and not with each other. As a SM I would never insist that I be included and if I was asked to be included in that I would feel very awkward and decline.

The bolded to me is kind of crazy. My parents are still married, however FI's are divorced. Walking your child down the aisle and posing for pictures doesn't imply you're still a couple. It implies correctly that you had a child together.

I guess we're very lucky that FI's parents still care for one another as friends and treat each other with the utmost respect and are mature enough to put anything else aside for the sake of their family.

I agree it's unfortunate, but there are divorced people who just don't get along. I've never been divorced and I don't have children so I don't offer my opinion on what they should do. I have no idea what it's like to have children with someone who hates your guts and doesn't want to be in the same room with you so I don't have much to say about the situation. DH and I dated for 10 years before we got married last month and I've never met his ex-wife one time because she refuses to be in the same room with him. She skipped her youngest son's high school graduation because we were there. I think he just got tired of it and decided he isn't going to be anything more than civil to her when she hates him so much and is still so bitter after all these years.

Inkdancer · June 2014

Just an option to consider:

I am having my dad walk me down the aisle. Then he will hug me and take his seat. At that point my mother will stand to join me. When asked "who gives this woman" my mom will say "She comes of her own free will, with my blessing".

My mom raised me alone until I was 23. It was very important for us to have her be the one to send me into marriage, but it was also important to me to not have to be "given" from one man to another, which is why we structured it like this.

If you have your parents in two different roles like this, perhaps that would keep people from clashing?

MW5280 · June 2014

I'm so sorry you're in such a bind!

If it were me, I'd have Stepmom escorted to her seat just before your entrance. Its up to you to decide what would make you the most comfortable on that walk. Do you really need the tension of both Mom and Dad?

I'm the future stepmom (FI's kiddos are 5 & 8) and I don't think I would presume to ever hold the same place in their hearts as their mother - (even if their mom is BSC. Because she is.)

Also, I'm a birthmom to a kiddo that I see on a fairly regular basis. His mom and I have become really close (she came dress shopping with my mom, sister, and I) but again, I'd never presume to be something that I wasn't for him.

If your Stepmom is graceful in character, then I don't think you need to worry about anything else for her. She'd probably feel out of place walking you down the aisle as well.

WildMagelet · June 2014

My FI & I have been together for 8 years. He has two children with his ex-W.

We have an awesome relationship with his ex-W and her daughter (FSD & FSS's half sister).

When FSD gets married, I would not be upset if she asked both of her parents and not me to walk her down the aisle. I've known her since she was 6, but I am not nor never will be her biological parent. The walk down the aisle is about her and her parents, not them and their relationship to one another.

One or two posed photos of her and her brother, or her and her husband with just the two of them (and not me) wouldn't terribly both me either but I would also want a similar photo for us.

It would be a nice gesture for me to be escorted as part of the processional, receive a corsage and be included in pre-wedding activities but they certainly aren't required.

CMGragain · June 2014

"Giving you away" and escorting you down the aisle are two separate and different things.

Anyone can escort you down the aisle. My father was deceased, so I asked my uncle to escort me. Id you want your father and your mother to escort you together, this is not a problem, as long as they are both agreeable to it.
Giving you away is another matter. This is sometimes omitted in the ceremony. When the officiant asks "Who presents this woman to be joined in holy wedlock?" , your parents may respond together, "We do", or your father might say "Her family does", or other variations.
Of course, your stepmother should be invited. She sits with your father. who joins her in the pew after he finishes escorting you down the aisle. Get her a nice corsage.

futuremrsog15 · June 2014

Inkdancer said:

Just an option to consider:

I am having my dad walk me down the aisle. Then he will hug me and take his seat. At that point my mother will stand to join me. When asked "who gives this woman" my mom will say "She comes of her own free will, with my blessing".

My mom raised me alone until I was 23. It was very important for us to have her be the one to send me into marriage, but it was also important to me to not have to be "given" from one man to another, which is why we structured it like this.

If you have your parents in two different roles like this, perhaps that would keep people from clashing?

I like this. Been chewing on it... I may have my dad walk me down, my mom join us at the alter(traditional church wedding). Then when the pastor asks who give this woman away, my mom says "She comes of her own free will" then my dad would say "but with our blessings". I like that. I feel like I am honoring my mom's involvement in my life and also my dad's. And they are doing it together as my parents. I think my dad might go for this too.

futuremrsog15 · June 2014

flutterbride2b said:

My FI & I have been together for 8 years. He has two children with his ex-W.

We have an awesome relationship with his ex-W and her daughter (FSD & FSS's half sister).

When FSD gets married, I would not be upset if she asked both of her parents and not me to walk her down the aisle. I've known her since she was 6, but I am not nor never will be her biological parent. The walk down the aisle is about her and her parents, not them and their relationship to one another.

One or two posed photos of her and her brother, or her and her husband with just the two of them (and not me) wouldn't terribly both me either but I would also want a similar photo for us.

It would be a nice gesture for me to be escorted as part of the processional, receive a corsage and be included in pre-wedding activities but they certainly aren't required.

Yup, I have already counted in my florist quote for corsage and told her the wedding colors so she can decide what to wear. Also, planning on her being escorted down.

You sound very sweet and understanding

Thank you for you input and your angle as stepmom.

rainbows0215 · June 2014

I am " the step parent" and I will not be walking the wife's daughter down the aisle, it does not bother me. They are her parents not I.. I am good with this.

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

mellowmarshmallow · June 2014

I think you should talk to your mom. Trust me, I get family politics. I am on my fourth stepmother and my mom never remarried.

I had my dad walk me down the aisle, but I gave my mom the option of walking with us. She actually preferred to be in the processional escorted to her seat by an usher. It wasn't bad family issues, she had just always expected and wanted to watch me walk down the aisle. It made her happy to watch me coming down the aisle, regardless of my dad escorting me. We did not do the "who gives this woman away" thing because IMHO, I think that's kind of strange.

ETA: my stepmom and my husband's mother and stepmother were all part of the procession. It meant a lot to my stepmom to be included that way since she and dad had only been married a couple years at that point. I think it's all about the situation.

MairePoppy · June 2014

Speaking as both a mom and step-mother, it's not rude to ask your bio parents to walk you down the aisle together. You could buy SM a corsage and have her seated by one of the ushers and your dad should sit with her during the ceremony. This has nothing to do with who is paying for the wedding and I'd advise you not to tell any of the parents the amount that the others are contributing.

WildMagelet · June 2014

MairePoppy said:

Speaking as both a mom and step-mother, it's not rude to ask your bio parents to walk you down the aisle together. You could buy SM a corsage and have her seated by one of the ushers and your dad should sit with her during the ceremony. This has nothing to do with who is paying for the wedding and I'd advise you not to tell any of the parents the amount that the others are contributing.

So much this if your parents aren't amiable. I learned this quickly with my own parents' divorce. My mom was always super concerned with what my dad was contributing to my life financially, even after I had moved out and gone to college. I eventually had to start bean dipping her when it got brought up because our financial arrangements were between US and frankly none of her damned business.

sophhabobopha · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you want your dad to be there, then yes, you have to invite your stepmom.

But honestly, as immature as your dad's not being a fan of your mom might be, I think that asking him and your mom to walk you down the aisle together without your stepmom isn't appropriate because your mom and dad are not a couple anymore. And if there is a whole lot of hurt and weddings don't help, I don't see that there is any way you can say anything to your dad that 1) is mature and 2) doesn't come off like you don't hate your stepmom.

So, if you want your mom to be the only one giving you away, just ask her to do that without involving your dad. If he complains, tell him that it's important to you that your mom be the one to give you away, and if he wants to do that, he has to accept that she will be doing that as well. Don't mention your stepmom if you have to respond to a complaint from your dad about your mom giving you away.

I don't agree with the bolded. I'm Jewish. It is expected that both parents walk me down the aisle, and though I am not religious and most traditions are unimportant to me, this one makes sense to me. Not because my parents are a couple, but because they are my parents. You have a relationship with both of your parents, which is great. Them getting divorced has not changed that they are your mom and dad. Your dad having a new wife does not make you any less his daughter. Walking a child down the aisle is about the child, not the relationship of the people doing the escorting.

SITB

YES.

futuremrsog15 · June 2014

flutterbride2b said:

MairePoppy said:

Speaking as both a mom and step-mother, it's not rude to ask your bio parents to walk you down the aisle together. You could buy SM a corsage and have her seated by one of the ushers and your dad should sit with her during the ceremony. This has nothing to do with who is paying for the wedding and I'd advise you not to tell any of the parents the amount that the others are contributing.

So much this if your parents aren't amiable. I learned this quickly with my own parents' divorce. My mom was always super concerned with what my dad was contributing to my life financially, even after I had moved out and gone to college. I eventually had to start bean dipping her when it got brought up because our financial arrangements were between US and frankly none of her damned business.

Yes, I agree. Thankfully for me, I am the third daughter of theirs to get married, just the first one since my dad remarried. They got all the nastiness about money out during my sisters' weddings! Ha! We all learned from those previous weddings, so far so good this time around. Thanks for the advice though. I'm armed with bean dip if the need arises.

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