How to Handle Poor Rehearsal Dinner Ettiquette

AnitaH08 · June 2014

My older brother and his fiance have just sent out Facebook invites for their rehearsal dinner next Friday night. And my SIL-to-be then posts on the event wall that everyone is to bring a dish. Am I wrong to think that this is poor ettiquette? My mom is not paying for any part of the rehearsal dinner (she's financially unable to do so), but to me, just because this "tradition" of the groom's parent paying for rehearsal dinner is not happening doesn't mean you pass the cost along to your wedding party. In all actuality, I'm not even part of the wedding party...at least I don't consider myself as such. I've been asked to "do the guest book and hand out bubbles." I realize that they asked me because I am the groom's only sister, but jeez. Anyway...I digress. Please help me figure out how to deal with this potluck rehearsal dinner. I am travelling over 3 hours and leaving right after work, so cooking something is not feasible. Also, I don't feel like I should have to bring something, so I'm considering refusing to bring anything. Am I wrong?

(I apologize for no paragraphs...I'll fix it when I get home to my laptop.)

bethsmiles · June 2014

I would just decline the invitation. If you aren't in the wedding party there is no need for you to be at the rehearsal so you can just tell them that because of the long drive and work you won't be able to make it.

AddieCake · June 2014

Yeah, I think I would decline.

SomethingBeautiful08 · June 2014

Sorry for getting the crap job... I would offer to "make sure the guest book gets to a safe place" as when place properly, guests can figure out a guest book on their own, same thing with the bubbles. Yes the potluck rehursal dinner is terrible and particularly bad with OOT wedding party / family members. Options: 1: Don't go. Say something came up that you can't make the drive. 2: Use the distance to explain that you rightfully can't reasonably make a dish. 3: If pushed you can always bring something pre-made and easy.. chips, pop, wine, etc.

beethery · June 2014

Somebody a while back got assigned to hand out programs at a wedding... a job that can be done by a basket.

Baskets can be in charge of bubbles, and a table can hold the damn guest book. You don't need any further excuse beyond the drive being too long. Deeeeecline!

Viczaesar · June 2014

AnitaH08 said:

My older brother and his fiance have just sent out Facebook invites for their rehearsal dinner next Friday night. And my SIL-to-be then posts on the event wall that everyone is to bring a dish. Am I wrong to think that this is poor ettiquette? My mom is not paying for any part of the rehearsal dinner (she's financially unable to do so), but to me, just because this "tradition" of the groom's parent paying for rehearsal dinner is not happening doesn't mean you pass the cost along to your wedding party. In all actuality, I'm not even part of the wedding party...at least I don't consider myself as such. I've been asked to "do the guest book and hand out bubbles." I realize that they asked me because I am the groom's only sister, but jeez. Anyway...I digress. Please help me figure out how to deal with this potluck rehearsal dinner. I am travelling over 3 hours and leaving right after work, so cooking something is not feasible. Also, I don't feel like I should have to bring something, so I'm considering refusing to bring anything. Am I wrong?

(I apologize for no paragraphs...I'll fix it when I get home to my laptop.)

You're absolutely right that it's bad etiquette and inappropriate. If you don't feel like you can decline I would bring something like rolls or croissants - something that you don't have to worry about food safety and transportation for, and that shouldn't cost you much. Or just show up without something; you would not be wrong in doing that.

beethery · June 2014

Viczaesar said:

AnitaH08 said:

My older brother and his fiance have just sent out Facebook invites for their rehearsal dinner next Friday night. And my SIL-to-be then posts on the event wall that everyone is to bring a dish. Am I wrong to think that this is poor ettiquette? My mom is not paying for any part of the rehearsal dinner (she's financially unable to do so), but to me, just because this "tradition" of the groom's parent paying for rehearsal dinner is not happening doesn't mean you pass the cost along to your wedding party. In all actuality, I'm not even part of the wedding party...at least I don't consider myself as such. I've been asked to "do the guest book and hand out bubbles." I realize that they asked me because I am the groom's only sister, but jeez. Anyway...I digress. Please help me figure out how to deal with this potluck rehearsal dinner. I am travelling over 3 hours and leaving right after work, so cooking something is not feasible. Also, I don't feel like I should have to bring something, so I'm considering refusing to bring anything. Am I wrong?

(I apologize for no paragraphs...I'll fix it when I get home to my laptop.)

You're absolutely right that it's bad etiquette and inappropriate. If you don't feel like you can decline I would bring something like rolls or croissants - something that you don't have to worry about food safety and transportation for, and that shouldn't cost you much. Or just show up without something; you would not be wrong in doing that.

hahahaha she ought to bring a can of crescent rolls. Uncooked. From a grocery store near wherever the rehearsal dinner is.

Viczaesar · June 2014

beethery said:

Viczaesar said:

AnitaH08 said:

My older brother and his fiance have just sent out Facebook invites for their rehearsal dinner next Friday night. And my SIL-to-be then posts on the event wall that everyone is to bring a dish. Am I wrong to think that this is poor ettiquette? My mom is not paying for any part of the rehearsal dinner (she's financially unable to do so), but to me, just because this "tradition" of the groom's parent paying for rehearsal dinner is not happening doesn't mean you pass the cost along to your wedding party. In all actuality, I'm not even part of the wedding party...at least I don't consider myself as such. I've been asked to "do the guest book and hand out bubbles." I realize that they asked me because I am the groom's only sister, but jeez. Anyway...I digress. Please help me figure out how to deal with this potluck rehearsal dinner. I am travelling over 3 hours and leaving right after work, so cooking something is not feasible. Also, I don't feel like I should have to bring something, so I'm considering refusing to bring anything. Am I wrong?

(I apologize for no paragraphs...I'll fix it when I get home to my laptop.)

You're absolutely right that it's bad etiquette and inappropriate. If you don't feel like you can decline I would bring something like rolls or croissants - something that you don't have to worry about food safety and transportation for, and that shouldn't cost you much. Or just show up without something; you would not be wrong in doing that.

hahahaha she ought to bring a can of crescent rolls. Uncooked. From a grocery store near wherever the rehearsal dinner is.

I like the way you think!

My cousin had a potluck wedding, out of town (about 3 hours north of my parents' house, which is 5 hours north of my house and 9 hours north of my sister's house). We all met up at my parents' house and drove up from there, and spent the night before and after at a hotel, so we had to figure out what to bring, not knowing the area. My parents went to Costco and got rolls and croissants. I think my sister got something perishable from Costco (but I don't remember what) and kept it in her cooler. I made homemade baklava. That wedding was a hot mess for a number of reasons, but the rolls and croissants were one of the most popular things at the potluck and were by far the least work and cost of our three offerings. So for out of town potluck family events that you can't turn down that's my suggestion now.

climbingsingle · June 2014

That really sucks. I'd skip the RD too.

Lurkers - take note! Giving people these type of "jobs" isn't an honor. And even though they won't say it to your face, no one want to have to provide food for your wedding events.

beethery · June 2014

@Viczaesar Costco is one of my favorite shopping resources ever. Love me a chicken bake and some samples. Good ol' Sunday brunch lol

Sounds like y'all did good on the foolishness of a potluck, but I'm pissed at you. Truly raging to the core right now.

I want some fucking baklava!!!!!!

STARMOON44 · June 2014

I would either decline or pick up a quiche at a local grocery store.

ashleyep · June 2014

I hate potlucks. Supermarket veggie tray. Still in the plastic container is my suggestion. But one of the small and cheap ones.

I'd probably suck it up and do it, because it's my brother, but I'd put zero effort into it.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

That invitation doesn't even deserve an RSVP, so I would just tell them you don't know if you can make the party, what with work and the trip.

sophhabobopha · June 2014

I'd bring one of those lollypop bouquets.

EverAfer · June 2014

A sign and a basket will take care of guest book and bubbles. Why do you have to do that?

Get a plate of cheese and crackers for the potluck. Or a watermelon, who doesn't like watermelon in the summer? Ok...how about finding a grocery store nwar them and picking up desserts? I love the little miniature assortments.

We're paying for our own wedding and rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner won't be fancy, it's a backyard bbq. We'll cover food and drinks. I can't stand when B&G use budget as an excuse. They could just go to Costco.

lc07 · June 2014

This is horrible etiquette. I personally, would still want to attend my brother's RD. So I'd suck it up and swing by a grocery store and bring a pre-made veggie tray or something. But yeah, they should be hosting you. And thanking you. With all of that said, I'd tell my brother hell no to bubble/program duty. See you at the wedding as a guest. ETA: @ashleyep hah! I posted before I read your comment. Great minds.

CMGragain · June 2014

Decline the invitation and go somewhere else to eat.

Simply Fated · June 2014

AnitaH08 said:

My older brother and his fiance have just sent out Facebook invites for their rehearsal dinner next Friday night. And my SIL-to-be then posts on the event wall that everyone is to bring a dish. Am I wrong to think that this is poor ettiquette? My mom is not paying for any part of the rehearsal dinner (she's financially unable to do so), but to me, just because this "tradition" of the groom's parent paying for rehearsal dinner is not happening doesn't mean you pass the cost along to your wedding party. In all actuality, I'm not even part of the wedding party...at least I don't consider myself as such. I've been asked to "do the guest book and hand out bubbles." I realize that they asked me because I am the groom's only sister, but jeez. Anyway...I digress. Please help me figure out how to deal with this potluck rehearsal dinner. I am travelling over 3 hours and leaving right after work, so cooking something is not feasible. Also, I don't feel like I should have to bring something, so I'm considering refusing to bring anything. Am I wrong?

(I apologize for no paragraphs...I'll fix it when I get home to my laptop.)

You're not wrong. I think you absolutely should tell that you'll be unable to bring a dish you have prepared. If THEY suggest you stop off somewhere and pick something up, decline going to the rehearsal dinner. You deserve to spend your evening without being taken advantage of. Treat yourself to dinner out.

kaos16 · June 2014

I would probably suck it up and go because it's family, but my contribution to the potluck would be wine, wine that I like. Then I'd drink it myself, because what family gathering isn't better with a buzz (I'd bring enough to share, obviously)

And, also. . . . . Our Costco opens this weekend. I have never been to one, but everyone raves about it! I'm excited.

AnitaH08 · June 2014

I love all the suggestions...especially the one about bringing a can of crescent rolls!

Skipping it entirely is not an option. My brother would be so pissed at me for that. Because I lean towards the passive aggressive, I'll probably get either a veggie tray or a meat and cheese tray...wrapping still on, of couse.

The thing that gets me is when I got married about 5 weeks ago, we were also on a tight budget ourselves and paying for the vast majority of our event, including the rehearsal dinner, which they were both at. We served, pizza, salad, chips and soda. The same meal would cost even less where they are because of lower prices. Had they planned better and started buying chips and such earlier, like we did, they'd be fine. *sigh*

Thanks again for the suggestions and the laughs!

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

beethery said:

Somebody a while back got assigned to hand out programs at a wedding... a job that can be done by a basket.

Baskets can be in charge of bubbles, and a table can hold the damn guest book. You don't need any further excuse beyond the drive being too long. Deeeeecline!

But Basket is such a fun nickname! Everybody wants to be called Basket!

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Bring a bottle of wine, and then spend the whole evening drinking directly from it.

Or don't go. Yeah, that's probably the best option.

Jen4948 · June 2014

3 suggestions:

1) Skip the rehearsal dinner

2) Skip the rehearsal dinner

3) Skip the rehearsal dinner

MandyMost · June 2014

Just don't bring anything. It's not like they called you up specifically and asked, they just put it in a Facebook post. Go, be nice, and only if anyone asks you directly do you say that you couldn't bring anything because you drove right there from work or whatever.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Heh can you bring an empty dish? "You asked me to bring a dish. You didn't specify there should be food on it."

banana468 · June 2014

As annoying as it is I hear you on not declining. Sometimes we do things that we don't like simply to keep the peace.

I'd stop by a local grocery store and get rolls or a veggie platter.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

Yep, if you feel like you have to go, meat or veggie platter sounds perfect.

It could always be worse (or at least equally bad). FBIL is having the rehearsal for their semi-destination wedding on Thursday, and not having the "rehearsal dinner" until Friday (wedding is on Saturday). I guess they didn't get the memo that the purpose of the RD is to feed the people who just traveled and spent their time, you know, at the actual rehearsal.

I'm so pissed, but we have to go because the family would hate us otherwise.

gladyscf · June 2014

Put water in a ziploc bag and tell them you brought ice but it didn't survive the drive.

beethery · June 2014

lolo883 said:

beethery said:

Somebody a while back got assigned to hand out programs at a wedding... a job that can be done by a basket.

Baskets can be in charge of bubbles, and a table can hold the damn guest book. You don't need any further excuse beyond the drive being too long. Deeeeecline!

But Basket is such a fun nickname! Everybody wants to be called Basket!

I didn't think I could love you more and you broke out a fucking Trading Places gif.

Senecaf · June 2014

I would just privately call my brother, tell him it's a bad idea and suggest he reconsider and order pizzas. If they insist anyway I'd have to say sorry but, I'm not brining anything.

Eta - that would be my convo with my brother. I don't know how your relationship is with your bro though. I would expect my family to understand that it is not feasible for me to make anything.

hyechica81 · June 2014

bring the most inexpensive bottle of wine you can find better yet ask the person at the wine shop which is the most unpopular wine you sell. bring it open it and tell them the wine shop said this was a good brand of wine.

or better yet get one of those frozen stoffers family size meals, that take like over an hour to bake. tell them it was all you could find at the store that would feed everyone

How to Handle Poor Rehearsal Dinner Ettiquette

Re: How to Handle Poor Rehearsal Dinner Ettiquette

Choose Another Board

Search Boards