Missing gifts ... including from a bridesmaid

emilia391 · June 2014

We got married a few weeks ago and have been going through our presents and are missing a good deal (all from our friends, not from family and/or parents' friends). I know that etiquette says people have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift and aren't required to, but these specific people are ones whose weddings we've gone to recently (with gift) or long-time friends. Most oddly is that one of my bridesmaids didn't give a gift and hasn't mentioned anything. Is there any polite way to find out what's going on? Do people really end up sending a gift 8 months after the wedding, or do they just forget? I really don't want to sound greedy but most of the missing gifts are from pretty close friends so it's odd.

beethery · June 2014

Nobody is required to give a gift. If your bridesmaid assisted in throwing a shower for you, that could be considered her gift.

KatWAG · June 2014

There is no polite way to bring this up. No one is required to give you a gift. Your BMs already spent enough on your wedding.

I received a wedding gift 18 months after our wedding. A friend had bought a gift card and a card and set it down somewhere. She found it 18 months later when she was packing to move.

climbingsingle · June 2014

You don't want to sound greedy? Well, you failed. Because you sound greedy as fuck. No one is required to give you a gift. Move on with your life.

AddieCake · June 2014

You just need to get over this and move on.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

You just need to get over this and move on.

This. They didn't get you a gift. So what? They don't have to. You need to get over it and never say anything to these people because then you will just look super greedy.

manateehugger · June 2014

Gifts aren't really gifts if they are given with a tit-for-tat attitude.

sandrabrooke · June 2014

I didn't get a lot of gifts from our friends. I don't care.

mrsmorales2be · June 2014

There's absolutely no way to have this conversation that won't come off sounding like this: "BM, I'm so sorry to have to ask you this, but I was going through our wedding gifts the other day and noticed I didn't receive one from you...is everything ok? I mean, did the gift get lost? Or did you forget to give me a gift? Were you planning to send it later? I just wanted to make sure everything is accounted for." This would probably end the relationship. To ask the same of your guests would come across as equally greedy and rude.

You shouldn't expect gifts as they should be freely given, not something to which you are entitled. Your BM already gave you her gift by being in your wedding party. As far as your guests, be grateful they came to celebrate with you. Also, the title of this thread made it sound like gifts were lost, misplaced, or stolen. That is clearly not the case. You're not missing gifts, you just didn't receive as many as you think you should have received.

Anyway, congratulations on your wedding. I'm sure it was a lovely day. I hope you can focus more on the memories and less on the gifts.

leelabear · June 2014

If you are concerned that cards were taken from your card box, then I would investigate but if that's not the case, don't ask. There is no way to ask without sounding greedy.

My brother's bestman collected all the paper items from his wedding (invite, menu, etc.) and waited for the photographer to finish editing the photos for him to put together a very nice framed collage. My brother got it several months after the wedding.

MollyandD · June 2014

When I read the title, I thought you meant that they brought gifts, and someone else stole them. That would be a "missing" gift. You just didn't get a gift from these people. You definitely should not mention it. Just thank them for coming the next time you see them, and let that be that.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

There is a difference between missing & not receiving. Missing is you know they put a card in the box or a gift on the table. Two of our GM didn't get us a gift, in fact, on didn't even bother with a card. Since they were GM I still sent them thank you cards to thank them for being a part of our special day.

kaylslaw · June 2014

You may not mean to come off as greedy, but you are. Almost grotesquely so.

No one is required to give you a gift for getting married. You should absolutely not inquire with these people, it makes you look awful and is awkward for them. Maybe they didn't get you a gift because they spent enough on your wedding already or maybe the same attitude that comes across here is present in your friendship..

MegEn1 · June 2014

Did you do your gifts through a registry? I'd check with the places you registered, if so. I've had more than one friend complain about how awful the registry ended up being - gifts missing, gifts with no note about who they were from (which made thank you cards super hard) etc. If you're missing a LOT like that, there might be a larger issue and it may have nothing to do with your friends.

larrygaga · June 2014

Now wait guys, my first impression is that she is worried the gift went missing somehow.

If you have reason to believe that it's missing, I would investigate. If you have no real way to back it up that they even gave you one, probably should not mention anything.

If it's just that you expected a gift and didn't get one, refer to above posters, please.

Viczaesar · June 2014

larrygaga said:

Now wait guys, my first impression is that she is worried the gift went missing somehow.

If you have reason to believe that it's missing, I would investigate. If you have no real way to back it up that they even gave you one, probably should not mention anything.

If it's just that you expected a gift and didn't get one, refer to above posters, please.

How did you get that from this:

I know that etiquette says people have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift and aren't required to, but these specific people are ones whose weddings we've gone to recently (with gift) or long-time friends. Most oddly is that one of my bridesmaids didn't give a gift and hasn't mentioned anything. Is there any polite way to find out what's going on? Do people really end up sending a gift 8 months after the wedding, or do they just forget?

schellzinator · July 2014

I am always shocked when brides feel entitled to gifts.

holyguacamole79 · July 2014

A friend gave me & DH a wedding gift around a year after we got married. Honestly at that point I didn't even remember if they had given me a gift or not and I would have never thought to ask them about it.

hkda2003 · July 2014

emilia391,

Everyone is being seriously harsh towards you! I don't feel like I am entitled to a gift, but honestly, I would feel a certain way about it if I didn't receive one from someone who was close to me. I don't think you sound greedy, because it's not as though you said "I wish they had given me a gift!" You are simply confused as to why they didn't get you one...

Of course you shouldn't bring it up, because that is very awkward. Maybe people are having money problems, but still wanted to be there to celebrate with you. What ever the case, if they didn't give you a gift, oh well. That being said, I feel like everyone is acting like they wouldn't also wonder what the deal was if they didn't receive a gift from a close friend... Of course you would all wonder, and there is nothing wrong with that!! You are probably not all the saints you are acting like, so CALM DOWN!

Lastly, I am not expecting a gift from any of my 6 bridesmaids. If I get one, I will consider that they went above and beyond.

beethery · July 2014

hkda2003 said:

emilia391,

Everyone is being seriously harsh towards you! I don't feel like I am entitled to a gift, but honestly, I would feel a certain way about it if I didn't receive one from someone who was close to me. I don't think you sound greedy, because it's not as though you said "I wish they had given me a gift!" You are simply confused as to why they didn't get you one...

Of course you shouldn't bring it up, because that is very awkward. Maybe people are having money problems, but still wanted to be there to celebrate with you. What ever the case, if they didn't give you a gift, oh well. That being said, I feel like everyone is acting like they wouldn't also wonder what the deal was if they didn't receive a gift from a close friend... Of course you would all wonder, and there is nothing wrong with that!! You are probably not all the saints you are acting like, so CALM DOWN!

Lastly, I am not expecting a gift from any of my 6 bridesmaids. If I get one, I will consider that they went above and beyond.

If you don't expect a gift from someone, you do not then wonder why you didn't get one. That makes sense.

Not expecting gifts and then wondering why someone didn't give you one makes no sense.

hkda2003 · July 2014

You're right. Ok, so I suppose I would expect most people to come with a gift, but that's not to say that I would be disappointed, or find it rude if they didn't. I would just be surprised.... Does that make sense?

beethery · July 2014

Nope. Let's have a hypothetical, shall we?

A person sits in their house, and they do not expect the Kool-Aid Man to burst through the wall. The Kool-Aid Man does not burst through the wall. Why on earth would they be surprised when ol' Kool-Aid Man does not burst through the wall?

If you are surprised and find it rude that someone didn't give you a gift (gifts are not required for any occasion), then you obviously were expecting a gift.

Further hypothetical: I've invited a guest to my wedding. I am very happy to see them when they attend the wedding, but they are empty-handed. What is that? I hope they have money in a card or something. They do not give me a gift (gifts are not required for any occasion). I think they are rude. I try to justify my backwards expectations to strangers on the internet. People on the internet find out I am not right in the head. The end.

When I invite someone to a party, I don't expect a gift, and then when I do not receive one, I do not then pout about it and think my guest was rude, because that makes no sense. Someone shows up to something I invited them to? COOL! That's all I wanted, yay party!

hkda2003 · July 2014

Haha. It's funny how you just went on and on about that. What you just said makes sense, but is irrelevant to the last comment I made. I just said I DO expect a gift, but that I would NOT find it rude, but rather surprising if I didn't receive one. I would never dream of going to a wedding empty handed, so maybe that's why I would find it surprising. Will I look at my empty handed guests and think they are rude? No. I understand there is a cost involved in simply GOING to a wedding.. Maybe some people think that's enough!! And that's fine.

beethery · July 2014

Expecting gifts is rude. jfc.

HauteRoxy · July 2014

mrsmorales2be said:

There's absolutely no way to have this conversation that won't come off sounding like this: "BM, I'm so sorry to have to ask you this, but I was going through our wedding gifts the other day and noticed I didn't receive one from you...is everything ok? I mean, did the gift get lost? Or did you forget to give me a gift? Were you planning to send it later? I just wanted to make sure everything is accounted for." This would probably end the relationship. To ask the same of your guests would come across as equally greedy and rude.
You shouldn't expect gifts as they should be freely given, not something to which you are entitled. Your BM already gave you her gift by being in your wedding party. As far as your guests, be grateful they came to celebrate with you. Also, the title of this thread made it sound like gifts were lost, misplaced, or stolen. That is clearly not the case. You're not missing gifts, you just didn't receive as many as you think you should have received.
Anyway, congratulations on your wedding. I'm sure it was a lovely day. I hope you can focus more on the memories and less on the gifts.

this happened to me at mother's day.
FH, me & the kids always send ONE card out to moms & grannies, etc. with a gift card in it, and we also all go to brunch.

I am a super card lover person - and after FH gave the card to his mom from us with a large amount gift certificate to a spa while we were at brunch. . I found a super cute card that reminded me of her. It was VERY heartfelt and I wrote a few words in it as well that were heartfelt. I did it 'just because' - I mean, the card was perfect and I wanted her to read it.

a few days later, FMIL texted FH saying, Did Rox forget my mother's day surprise? He responded, "she mailed you a card just from her, didn't you get it?"

She replied, "oh yes, I got it, I just had a thank you note written out for her and thought maybe she forgot to put something in there or it fell out in the mail or something"

I got a mother's day card at brunch from FMIL & FFIL also with a gift card in it - it was no where near as pricey as what we got FMIL, so that's not the issue. I double checked to make sure it wasn't some super huge outrageous amount and she was mad because of that or what . . . ??

I will never feel the same way about that woman. EVER. NEVER.

Please do not ask people where their gift is. That makes a person feel like total SHIT. Especially if they are close friends and are in a tight spot and just wanted to celebrate with you. Maybe they felt like coming without a gift would hurt you more than not showing up at all.
As for the BMs, you should appreciate them standing by you for the wedding if nothing else.

Please don't. This happened to me and I am telling you - they will never look at you the same.

JeeGooDowster · July 2014

@emilia391, i get what you mean...you're just wondering and may feel a bit slighted. From your post, i don't see you as a greedy person and I'm not going to attack you like everyone else here...but your best bet is to stop wondering, assume they didn't give you a gift, and move on.

bananasplit472001 · July 2014

carynNchan said:

@emilia391, i get what you mean...you're just wondering and may feel a bit slighted. From your post, i don't see you as a greedy person and I'm not going to attack you like everyone else here...but your best bet is to stop wondering, assume they didn't give you a gift, and move on.

I also agree with both of you. I can understand where you may feel confused that your close friend did not give you a gift. It is possible they already spent the maximum amount of money that they could afford on your wedding on getting to your wedding, hotel rooms, BM stuff etc. that they could not possibly afford a gift. Whatever the case I would just send a thank-you note to them and never mention the gift. Some people may be embarrassed that they can't afford a gift and did not want to bring attention to that. So I wouldn't mention it and just move on.

freebread03 · July 2014

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding in June 2013-I didn't bring a card and admittedly STILL have not sent a gift (though I bought it and just need to ship it-wine is complicated to ship between states). It's not bc I don't love my friend but I will admit that things were crazy leading up to the wedding and after, being that it required international travel and I was gone for over 2.5 weeks. Some people send gifts after the wedding, and I imagine your wedding party was busy before. Often life takes over after. Don't be greedy and ask her to give you something (which is kind of implied if you ask where your gift is).

dande2129 · July 2014

I have been in weddings where I spent a ridiculous amount on the bridesmaid dress, pitching in for the shower and bachelorette party in addition to accommodations and such. Unless your bridesmaids didn't buy a dress, didn't throw you any kind of party, they more than likely spend well over a few hundred to be part of your day.

I'd take my close friends being in the wedding over a material gift.

badbnagdway · July 2014

I agree that especially if someone is a BM (or had to travel to your wedding) they may have maxed out what they can really spend on you. I am a compulsive gift giver. I can't go to someone's house without feeling like I should bring a bottle of wine or something. I was MOH in a wedding once where I single handedly threw a really luxurious bridal shower and took the bride out for bachelorette. I got her somewhat smaller but nice gifts for the shower and wedding from her registry than I would usually get because at that point I had already spent about $1,000 on throwing parties, buying my dress and attending the wedding. And again, I'm compulsive at gift giving so I think really it would have been reasonable not to give any gifts at that point.

Ultimately folks are right -- gifts are voluntary. I can imagine it must feel strange not to get something from folks you are close to, but I think you have to put it aside.

One funny story on gifts, the year before the above mentioned bride got married we went to a wedding for another oot friend. At the time the above mentioned bride was dating a different guy, asked a week before the wedding to bring that bf to the wedding of said oot friend, and then tried to get me to go in (with three other people) on something that struck me as tacky and cheap. I declined and bought oot bride a bunch of registry items. At that point, why even give a gift?

babs0726 · August 2014

OMG lol

Missing gifts ... including from a bridesmaid

Re: Missing gifts ... including from a bridesmaid

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