Wedding Invitations & Paper

How NOT to invite one family member...

Ok, I know there are threads out there about this issue, but I would like advice on this EXACT family member. 

Here's the shortened version ... I grew up with my mom's family. I did not meet my dad's side until maybe 4 years ago. At that time I actually lived with a half-sister for a while. This same half-sister ripped my future husband a new one (before we began dating)... Her and I were misinformed about something he supposedly did. She also threatened to sue him. Now, fast forward 3+ years and we're planning a wedding. I understand him not wanting her to be there. It's his day too. (I should also mention that a cousin on that side, the dad, and my other half siblings would be getting invites) Here are some of my thoughts:

A. I feel it's incredibly rude and also opening a major can of worms to basically invite everyone BUT her. 
B. I don't want to send her an invite and "hope" she won't be able to make it. She actually does love me, so I'm sure she would make it a point to come.
C. We spoke about having a smaller wedding, then a few months later having a "celebration" (and of course, not accepting wedding gifts, that's just not right to do) but then I also feel if we go this way there are quite a few people I would want at the wedding that won't be able to be invited and again.. more hurt feelings...
D. We invite her... and I have a "talk" with her about possibly mending some hurt feelings prior to the wedding... (I hate confrontations, but this one tends to make more sense to me)

Obviously my fiance and I need to talk more about this, but I was hoping someone might have some helpful advice or is maybe facing something similar. Thank you for your time! God bless!

Re: How NOT to invite one family member...

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think you need to talk with your FI.  I get that shit went down and it wasn't good but it was also 3 years ago and I am assuming nothing else has happened since, am I correct?  After the craziness settled down and you all realized that you were misinformed did your half-sister apologize to your FI?  

    I agree with you that not inviting her will probably cause more issues then inviting her would.  Remind your FI that just because she is there doesn't mean that he needs to have a full blown conversation with her or hang out with her all night.  A quick "thanks for coming" will do and then he can move on and enjoy other people's company.

    But I don't think you should talk to her about mending fences.  She is an adult and if she wants to mend hurt feelings then she is capable of doing so without you pushing for it.  Your FI also needs to move on as well.  Yeah he may have been incredibly hurt but if after all this time she has done nothing else and was truly misinformed back then then it is time to let it go.

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Maggie has given you good advice. 
  • Thank you. He's honestly afraid she will cause a scene or something along those lines. Basically that one time is his only real interaction with her. There was never an apology or anything, but that's who she is... I would not have expected one. Thanks again for the advice. I feel like it would cause more harm than good to not invite her.
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Has any of that old drama been brought back up in the last 3+ years? Perhaps she's just the type to assume it's water under the bridge... sure, she should have apologized, but not all people operate like that. Doesn't mean she'll cause a scene, if everyone knows that the initial craziness was based on misinformation. 

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree with Maggie that not inviting your sister seems to be more trouble than it's worth.  I'd explain that to your FI.  They don't have to be close or interact very much at the wedding, but not inviting her would be too pointed an insult.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kgirl86 said:
    Thank you. He's honestly afraid she will cause a scene or something along those lines. Basically that one time is his only real interaction with her. There was never an apology or anything, but that's who she is... I would not have expected one. Thanks again for the advice. I feel like it would cause more harm than good to not invite her.
    Unless something else has occurred in the past 3 years then your FI shouldn't assume anything, especially if that was his only interaction with her.  I think your FI needs to suck it up.

    AddieCake
  • Thanks guys. There hasn't been anything else with us. There HAS been multiple other incidents with close family and those incidents have all involved her. Quite a few of the family doesn't speak to her at this point. 
  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    kgirl86 said:
    Thanks guys. There hasn't been anything else with us. There HAS been multiple other incidents with close family and those incidents have all involved her. Quite a few of the family doesn't speak to her at this point. 
    This gives me some pause. I think this might be one of those cases where you inform the venue's security (or if they don't provide, hire some) that this particular person might need to be removed.

    I do agree with PPs that you really should still invite her, especially if nothing has happened between her and your FI in 3 years. Maybe she's a pistol, as my grandmother would say, but unless she's given you a reason to believe she'll harm another guest or cause a specific scene, it's hard to justify not inviting her just because she's generally difficult.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • Thank you Katie. I tend to agree with most of you that she should be invited. My fiance even joked about paying the one cousin to take her out if she starts anything... He was just joking at that point, but who knows?
  • I think it's unfair of strangers to judge the relationship / family dynamics here. Every family and relationship challenge is unique, and slapping a self help "why don't you two just talk it out" sticker on it may not be appropriate to every situation.

    In the event that you decide not to invite this person to your wedding, kgirl86, that's your choice, and here is a link to an article that might help:

    http://offbeatbride.com/2013/11/not-inviting-family
  • Thank you for the article. It's true that online help will not completely know the situation/people involved. I was just hoping for some advice. The article was great. I have a hard time "sticking to my guns" over decisions. My fiance is not that way, so if she ends up without an invite... hopefully he can help in that department. 
  • Hey...I believe that for your wedding, it's your right not to invite people who are negative or may cause drama/etc. My fiance had put his foot down about not inviting an old friend of mine (who I was a bridesmaid for at her wedding) because she is judgmental, always causes drama, is negative, doesn't reciprocate/always is the "taker," hasn't been there for me, etc. I felt badly at first thinking about her finding out she's not invited, but when it's your wedding, you deserve to be surrounded by those who make you and FH feel great and comfortable. Of course, your situation may be different, and she is family...it's an extremely personal decision but I just think think you need to think about whether or not a guest of yours will add love and positivity to the day or not and act accordingly
    kgirl86
  • I'm still on the fence about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure she would "behave" but that's my fiance's whole point is that it is OUR day and should be about us and we don't need to deal with negativity. We will have to see what happens. I really appreciate everyone's advice.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Zimuncans said:
    I think it's unfair of strangers to judge the relationship / family dynamics here. Every family and relationship challenge is unique, and slapping a self help "why don't you two just talk it out" sticker on it may not be appropriate to every situation.

    In the event that you decide not to invite this person to your wedding, kgirl86, that's your choice, and here is a link to an article that might help:

    http://offbeatbride.com/2013/11/not-inviting-family

    But she asked a whole bunch of internet strangers to weight in on her family drama. So that is exactly what everyone did. We can only give opinions/ ideas based on teh information provided.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Zimuncans said:
    I think it's unfair of strangers to judge the relationship / family dynamics here. Every family and relationship challenge is unique, and slapping a self help "why don't you two just talk it out" sticker on it may not be appropriate to every situation.

    In the event that you decide not to invite this person to your wedding, kgirl86, that's your choice, and here is a link to an article that might help:

    http://offbeatbride.com/2013/11/not-inviting-family
    By posting here, that's exactly what she asked us to do.  Posting in an Internet forum and then saying, "Hey, you're a bunch of strangers, you can't help" is counterproductive and doesn't even make sense.
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    kgirl86 said:
    I'm still on the fence about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure she would "behave" but that's my fiance's whole point is that it is OUR day and should be about us and we don't need to deal with negativity. We will have to see what happens. I really appreciate everyone's advice.
    This is a common thought, but unfortunately it's simply not true. Your ceremony is about you; your reception is about receiving your guests, and everyone celebrating together. 

    You said your cousin loves you, and you haven't personally had any incidents with her in three years. Unless some of those other incidents involved her physically assaulting other members of your family, you should invite her. Just being generally negative and a shit-stirrer is not a good enough reason.

    Maybe you could plan to get together with her before the invitations go out and see how you all get along. If things go horribly haywire, you may have more of a reason to exclude her. Otherwise, I think you and your FI should try and work on getting past the old hurt feelings - it's SO much easier to let go of anger than to hold onto it and let it fester. 

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  • kgirl86 said:
    I'm still on the fence about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure she would "behave" but that's my fiance's whole point is that it is OUR day and should be about us and we don't need to deal with negativity. We will have to see what happens. I really appreciate everyone's advice.
    This is a common thought, but unfortunately it's simply not true. Your ceremony is about you; your reception is about receiving your guests, and everyone celebrating together. 

    You said your cousin loves you, and you haven't personally had any incidents with her in three years. Unless some of those other incidents involved her physically assaulting other members of your family, you should invite her. Just being generally negative and a shit-stirrer is not a good enough reason.

    Maybe you could plan to get together with her before the invitations go out and see how you all get along. If things go horribly haywire, you may have more of a reason to exclude her. Otherwise, I think you and your FI should try and work on getting past the old hurt feelings - it's SO much easier to let go of anger than to hold onto it and let it fester. 

    I don't see the logic here. Her ceremony is about her and her fiancé so they can invite whoever they want. Obviously if they invite this girl to the ceremony they must also invite her to the reception but I don't see how the reception not being about her comes into play over whether or not to invite the half-sister.
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