Already An Issue- Kids being self invited

Wegl13 · June 2014

So we're getting married in December and STDs just went out. Addressed correctly to Mr. And Mrs. Mom and Dad Cousin. No daughter. We aren't planning on inviting kids to the wedding because we're not really kid people. Daughter cousin is about 6yo and a hellion on wheels- not a kid I'm a fan of even if I liked kids. Now I have informally invited my FSIL's son-on-the-way, because, you know, he'll be like 3 months old at that time, and she's traveling from a ways away. But that seems like a pretty obvious exception.

However, of course, Mom Cousin texted me tonight and said "Dad and Daughter and I can't wait to come to the wedding!"... Um no. Now this family has a tendency to bring uninvited guests to things- Mom Cousin has repeatedly brought Grandma Cousin (that is her mom) to family events (like Christmas Day and small family cookouts) to which Mom, Dad, and Daughter were invited, but Grandma certainly wasn't. So at this point I'm trying to figure out if there is a polite way to say "Daughter is not someone I want at the wedding" because really, three hours of peace would be great (please stop running around and do not hit your father in front of me).... But I also have a small, close family that recently experienced loss (the connecting piece between Mom, Dad, Daughter, and me), and yes, the wedding has come up a good bit in front of Daughter (I'm an only grandchild, so there's not a lot of weddings going on).

Do I suck it up and go "oh goodie I can't wait to see you all there"[dammit] for the sake of many years of family peace, or do I politely say hey we're having an adult only thing (no good excuses here, it's a cake-and-punch afternoon reception with a glass of champagne all around).

edit for paragraphs yeeshus

NYCMercedes · June 2014

Stand your ground!

AddieCake · June 2014

I would probably say something now so they aren't discussing it with others as flantastic said, possibly causing others to be making plans for their kids to come.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Another vote to stand your ground.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

I would probably say something now so they aren't discussing it with others as flantastic said, possibly causing others to be making plans for their kids to come.

also so they don't make travel arrangements (if that is necessary).

blabla89 · June 2014

At 6 years old, I doubt the daughter is going to be all that upset that she can't come, even if you've talked wedding in front of her. She'll get over it (if she even knows what's going on in the first place) so there's that. Definitely stand your ground. Give them the standard line of, "the invite was for you and Dad Cousin. We're so sorry but we can't accommodate little Suzy. Please let us know whether you plan to attend."

Wegl13 · June 2014

Okay so talked to my parents and also to FI about their opinions on how important this is, will MCousin and DCousin be upset, and what is the best way to handle this. And the results are in:
1. My mom says to just text MCousin back and write something to the effect of "hey, we are having a small wedding and aren't going to be able to invite any kids but we hope you and DCousin can still make it!"
2. My dad says to think very very carefully about how important this is to us, because he has NO IDEA if this will rock the boat (and I am SO STRESSED because I feel like there is already tension because of the loss of a close family member that was a "connecting piece" between our family and D and MCousins). If we decide it is "worth it," we should CALL and be straightfoward about the situation. But also I should sit down and make a plan and be adequately prepared for the whole conversation.
3. FI was initially really upset that I was thinking of caving, because he feels like I keep changing plans on him (true: guest list jumped from 50 to 55 to 70 to 72 because of people that I told him we had to invite... but in my defense that included his first cousin's gf of 3 years... so ETIQUETTE I HAZ IT). Anyways, his final thoughts involve me calling MCousin and basically blaming it on him and putting it in her hands, a la "hey FI is on the fence about having kids at the wedding, leaning towards really wanting an adult only affair, but it's also important for you to be there. How important is it to your family that Daughter come?"

Of course this also opens us up to GM bringing daughter, other cousin bringing family of 8, family friend bringing family of 5, and then where we at!

TLDR: I'm eloping on 12/6, bringing pro photog and pretty dress, STDs be damned. No JK but seriously. This should not be this hard.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Option 1.5. Call cousin with mom's wording. Don't blame it on FI, don't leave the decision up to cousin.

AddieCake · June 2014

I vote with your dad. I would not do what your fiance suggests. You should not leave it up to your guests to dictate your guest list.

hanckypanky · June 2014

Just say "sorry for any confusion, buy we're having an adult-only event. Hope to still you you there!" And leave out at that. They have 6 months to find a babysitter.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Would it be feasible to invite the kids of family and WP to the RD like a family BBQ? Might appease both sides that way.

Wegl13 · June 2014

Unfortunately no, lolo. Wedding is kind of middle of freaking nowhere (about a 4 hour drive for my family, about a five minute one for his). RD is already being planned by his mom at the only joint in town that serves alcohol (true story). I think I'm going to go with ya'lls suggestions, give her a call sometime this week, probably after pepping myself up a bit (massage? tequila?), let her know that we are so sorry we won't be able to accommodate Daughter and we really hope that it doesn't affect their ability to make it to the wedding. Do I need a fake reason? Do I say "its adults only"? Do I make up some shit about guest list size or money? What if they ask point blank why not? I think it's always easier to have some "reason" to lean on. I mean at the end of the day, my reason is simply it's our party and we don't like kids, which seems kind of shitty of us to say.

ETA: Also going to take friend's "at the end of the day" advice: if she doesn't get the point and the kid shows up, suck it up, it's not the end of the world, and you probably will be too happy to notice. (My friend had a friend at their wedding that invited Mr. Asshole Armcandy).

NYCMercedes · June 2014

Wegl13 said:

Unfortunately no, lolo. Wedding is kind of middle of freaking nowhere (about a 4 hour drive for my family, about a five minute one for his). RD is already being planned by his mom at the only joint in town that serves alcohol (true story). I think I'm going to go with ya'lls suggestions, give her a call sometime this week, probably after pepping myself up a bit (massage? tequila?), let her know that we are so sorry we won't be able to accommodate Daughter and we really hope that it doesn't affect their ability to make it to the wedding. Do I need a fake reason? Do I say "its adults only"? Do I make up some shit about guest list size or money? What if they ask point blank why not? I think it's always easier to have some "reason" to lean on. I mean at the end of the day, my reason is simply it's our party and we don't like kids, which seems kind of shitty of us to say.

Yep! Your party and you don't like kids. If she asks why, tell her it's an adult party. You simply do not owe her an explanation just as she simply cannot invite other guests to someone else's party. She's very rude to think she can, so do not feel sheepish or apologetic when you tell her no.

mysticl · June 2014

NYCMercedes said:

Wegl13 said:

Unfortunately no, lolo. Wedding is kind of middle of freaking nowhere (about a 4 hour drive for my family, about a five minute one for his). RD is already being planned by his mom at the only joint in town that serves alcohol (true story). I think I'm going to go with ya'lls suggestions, give her a call sometime this week, probably after pepping myself up a bit (massage? tequila?), let her know that we are so sorry we won't be able to accommodate Daughter and we really hope that it doesn't affect their ability to make it to the wedding. Do I need a fake reason? Do I say "its adults only"? Do I make up some shit about guest list size or money? What if they ask point blank why not? I think it's always easier to have some "reason" to lean on. I mean at the end of the day, my reason is simply it's our party and we don't like kids, which seems kind of shitty of us to say.

Yep! Your party and you don't like kids. If she asks why, tell her it's an adult party. You simply do not owe her an invitation just as she simply cannot not invite other guests to someone else's party.

STB
I wouldn't tell her it's an adult only party since you are inviting an infant. She may not get that the infant is a different situation. Just simply state the invite is only for her and her husband and leave it at that. Excuses just giver her a chance to argue.

EverAfer · June 2014

Just state that the invitation is for her and her husband, let them know that you'll be looking forward to seeing them, and leave it at that.

If she tries to reason or says she's not sure if they can make it then, let them know that you understand and they will be missed (which is an option you should be prepared for if you're concerned about the family's relationships.)

Yes, this must be nipped in the butt. I had guests who asked other guests if children were invited. So, if you don't nipped it now, they'll think that she is.

kmmssg · June 2014

EverAfer said:

Just state that the invitation is for her and her husband, let them know that you'll be looking forward to seeing them, and leave it at that.

If she tries to reason or says she's not sure if they can make it then, let them know that you understand and they will be missed (which is an option you should be prepared for if you're concerned about the family's relationships.)

Yes, this must be nipped in the butt. I had guests who asked other guests if children were invited. So, if you don't nipped it now, they'll think that she is.

The bold is all you need (and some backbone so you don't sway on this). Do not throw your FI under the bus as he suggested.

When our 3rd DD got married the no kid thing was THE hill she was willing to die on . We fully supported her on this and found a way to mention it whenever family/friends asked how the planning was going. Before STD's went out, it was general knowledge that it was an adult only affair.

Her biomom and stepdad fought this hard from the get go even though they weren't paying for any of the wedding. (biomom is one of 7, stepdad is one of 10,and DH is one of 7 - DD has cousins crawling out of the woodwork at all ages) Biomom and stepdad's families are infamous for inviting extra people to weddings so we took all preemptive strikes possible without being rude.

Don't engage in any excuses or offers they make to accomodate their DD. Use the bolded and call it a day.

Wegl13 · June 2014

Backboning up and about to call my cousin. Her text to me also mentioned that she got forwarded my engagement pics from my Grandpa and she loves them and wants prints. Then moves on to getting STD and that she and fam are planning to be there, excited, can't wait, hope we are doing well.

So my conversation is going to go like this. Hey it was great to hear from you. I'm so glad you liked the pics, we love the photographer, they are going to be working with us on Big Day. Speaking of, I hate to have to tell you this but we unfortunately aren't going to be able to accommodate Kid on Big Day. I really hope this doesn't change your plans or ability to make it because it's very important to me that you and Dad Cousin are able to make it. Then silence. She talks. I follow up with hating that we aren't going to be able to have Kid there, repeat importance of Cousins being a part of it, family love, family love, etc etc. Get off phone as quickly as possible. Sound good?

PS my job entails having really hard conversations with people on a daily basis but this is psyching me the hell out.

LondonLisa · June 2014

Wegl13 said:

Backboning up and about to call my cousin. Her text to me also mentioned that she got forwarded my engagement pics from my Grandpa and she loves them and wants prints. Then moves on to getting STD and that she and fam are planning to be there, excited, can't wait, hope we are doing well.

So my conversation is going to go like this. Hey it was great to hear from you. I'm so glad you liked the pics, we love the photographer, they are going to be working with us on Big Day. Speaking of, I hate to have to tell you this but we unfortunately aren't going to be able to accommodate Kid on Big Day. I really hope this doesn't change your plans or ability to make it because it's very important to me that you and Dad Cousin are able to make it. Then silence. She talks. I follow up with hating that we aren't going to be able to have Kid there, repeat importance of Cousins being a part of it, family love, family love, etc etc. Get off phone as quickly as possible. Sound good?

PS my job entails having really hard conversations with people on a daily basis but this is psyching me the hell out.

I think this does too much explaining/ blaming. I would start with your first part about the photos and then say "I just wanted to clear up your text. Unfortunately the invitation was only for you and H. We are unable to accommodate children. I hope you can still make it" and then just listen. She may not be able to give you an answer then and there. But if she says "well I'm not coming without child" just politely say "oh, well, we'll miss you then." and leave it.

The less talking/ explaining you do the better!

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

I would reverse the convo. Lead with "just wanted to clear up some confusion - the invite was for you and Hubbyman only; we're unable to add Kid to the guest list." Then you keep the photography bit as your bean dip - she replies "oh but whyyyyy" and you say "I'm very sorry, I hope you can still make it. And I'm so glad you liked the pics! We love our photographer, bla bla tasty bean dip with chips."

rhiannon383 · June 2014

Telling her you want/need to keep it small is a good thing to leave in there, too, I think. It's an excuse, but a true one!

Wegl13 · June 2014

Can I clear up something random really quickly? I pretend that you are actually Jennifer Lawrence giving me advice. Also true that MagicInk is really just Felicia Day behind the interwebs. Thank you, my idols and celebrity friends.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

Don't tell her you hate that you have to tell her this and you hate that kid can't come! That's BS. You don't have to tell her this and kid could come, you just don't want her too. Go with @LondonLisa‌ 's wording.

Wegl13 · June 2014

Can I at least start the convo off with like "calling to see how you were doing" or some shit like that? There's no comfort zone for "hey what's up haven't talked since the funeral and btw your kid ain't invited"... Right? I can at least start out that way? Damn what if get her vm? Actually that might be easier it's like texting but without the obvious of texting. Also I really do hate that her kid isn't well behaved enough to warrant us breaking down on this and coughing up a few extra bucks for her to have a seat and a cupcake. I get your point that it's BS though.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Wegl13 said:

Can I at least start the convo off with like "calling to see how you were doing" or some shit like that? There's no comfort zone for "hey what's up haven't talked since the funeral and btw your kid ain't invited"... Right? I can at least start out that way? Damn what if get her vm? Actually that might be easier it's like texting but without the obvious of texting.

Of course!

If you get her VM, you don't need to bean dip, so you can lead with "just thought I'd call to catch up... heard you liked our pics and wanted to say thanks! We're so excited, bla bla bla, btw kid can't come and JLaw and Felicia Day told me that was OK kthanksbai."

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Wegl13 said:

Can I clear up something random really quickly? I pretend that you are actually Jennifer Lawrence giving me advice. Also true that MagicInk is really just Felicia Day behind the interwebs. Thank you, my idols and celebrity friends.

I pretty much think that everyone IS their signature. Or at least that there's some resemblance.

annathy03 · June 2014

Wegl13 said:

Unfortunately no, lolo. Wedding is kind of middle of freaking nowhere (about a 4 hour drive for my family, about a five minute one for his). RD is already being planned by his mom at the only joint in town that serves alcohol (true story). I think I'm going to go with ya'lls suggestions, give her a call sometime this week, probably after pepping myself up a bit (massage? tequila?), let her know that we are so sorry we won't be able to accommodate Daughter and we really hope that it doesn't affect their ability to make it to the wedding. Do I need a fake reason? Do I say "its adults only"? Do I make up some shit about guest list size or money? What if they ask point blank why not? I think it's always easier to have some "reason" to lean on. I mean at the end of the day, my reason is simply it's our party and we don't like kids, which seems kind of shitty of us to say.

ETA: Also going to take friend's "at the end of the day" advice: if she doesn't get the point and the kid shows up, suck it up, it's not the end of the world, and you probably will be too happy to notice. (My friend had a friend at their wedding that invited Mr. Asshole Armcandy).

Stand your ground! I think calling may be better than texting, but you're fine not to invite kids/just the one infant. Don't offer reasons, you're just calling to clear up any confusion so they don't make travel plans or whatnot.

If she is rude enough to ask why, "we're keeping the guest list small" is a pretty generic response that is silly to argue with. Lots of people keep their guest list small for reasons beyond money, not wanting a big crowd witnessing an intimate moment being chief among them. While one kid doesn't make a crowd, you might feel like you have to invite all kids if you allow this one which could be a substantial number.

zitiqueen · June 2014

KatieinBkln said:

Wegl13 said:

Can I clear up something random really quickly? I pretend that you are actually Jennifer Lawrence giving me advice. Also true that MagicInk is really just Felicia Day behind the interwebs. Thank you, my idols and celebrity friends.

I pretty much think that everyone IS their signature. Or at least that there's some resemblance.

I totes resemble three noodles.

Wegl13 · June 2014

This is so stupid, I sat and stared at the phone for 15 minutes. Pressed her text, waited, pressed "contact," wait, finally pressed "voice call." And then it went straight to voicemail JACKPOT BITCHES.

I think it went something like this: hey got your text message just wanted to give you a call back, glad you liked the pics and if you want any specific prints just let me know and we can get those for you. Also wanted to clear up any confusion- unfortunately only able to invite you and DCousin, trying to keep guest list small and decided to not invite any kids. Hope this doesn't change you guys being able to make it. Give me a call back when you can [damn I shouldn't have said that, it's like an invite to call me back and ask why not], hope you guys are doing great k bye.

TLDR: I am the biggest fucking wimp (and I really do love my family and am praying this goes well) and I'm so glad JLaw and Co could help me backbone up. Thanks guys. War damn wedding!

kmmssg · June 2014

You did fine.

short+sassy · June 2014

lolo883 said:

I would reverse the convo. Lead with "just wanted to clear up some confusion - the invite was for you and Hubbyman only; we're unable to add Kid to the guest list." Then you keep the photography bit as your bean dip - she replies "oh but whyyyyy" and you say "I'm very sorry, I hope you can still make it. And I'm so glad you liked the pics! We love our photographer, bla bla tasty bean dip with chips."

I'm literally eating Fritos with bean dip right now. How could I be anywhere else but TK? It would just be wrong, lol.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Good job OP! Hopefully she's feeling just sheepish enough over her presumptuousness that she doesn't call you back to argue with you.

Already An Issue- Kids being self invited

Re: Already An Issue- Kids being self invited

Choose Another Board

Search Boards