NWR - So how should we bring this up?

Angusaur · June 2014

Disclaimer - I'm sorry if this thread makes me sound petty and spiteful. I'm just rather aggravated at this whole situation.

Some of you may know I am pregnant. We have one son already who is 5. We moved from Maryland to Pennsylvania about 18 months ago. So When we moved, our Uhaul was just packed to the very brim and we could not fit not one more thing in that truck. So we called FMIL who has a ton of empty basement space, and this was where our crib was currently residing. We asked her if we could just leave it down there until we need it, and we'd drive down to Baltimore to get it. She said sure, that's no problem at all and she'd just leave it where it was. FBIL's wife got pregnant and had their son in January. She gave them OUR crib without even asking us. According to them, she told them she had called us numerous times to pick the crib up out of the basement and if we didn't get it she was just going to put in a garage sale anyways.

Umm no. She never called me not even once, I would have told her I still wanted the crib. So I see a picture of the babys room all done up online, and yep there's my crib. So when I called FMIL to ask what was going on, she said they asked her if they could "borrow it" and give it back whenever we need it for our next baby. (Obviously the two stories don't match up) She also said in the worse case scenario, she would just have to buy us a new one. So here I am, pregnant, due in December. Nephew will not even be 1 by the time I have our baby. So they will obviously still need the crib.

So FI wants to call his mom and take her up on her offer of buying us a new one! I don't know though, I think that was more or less to shut me up and she really has no intentions of buying a new one. I think this will only stir up drama. But I don't think it's fair I should have to pay for another crib when she gave away something that wasn't hers to give. Obviously if we do say something, it will be FI doing the talking. Do you think we should bring it up, or just drop it? She is never the type of person to follow up on her "offers" so it's not like if we just wait she'll miraculously show up on our doorstep with a crib. We could buy the crib if we have to, but it would be nice to not have to pay $400 over again when we have to take care of all the other baby essentials and wedding stuff coming up.

LondonLisa · June 2014

I think you all have to share the blame for this situation. Firstly, 18 months is a ridiculously long time to leave things at someone else's house. It isn't fair to treat her like a storage locker and then get upset when you wants some of her things back. You didn't care about it when it was sitting there for 18 months, but you want it now because you need it.

But still, she shouldn't have given it away. As her stories don't match up, but have you talked to your Fi about it? Maybe she mentioned it to him in passing and he doesn't remember. Maybe she is just flakey and forgot to tell you. She shouldn't be giving away things that aren't hers. However, I'm not sure how much a storage unit costs, but I would guess it is more than $22 a month. $400/ 18 is 22, so she did save you money in storage costs.

What is the relationship between FBIL and Fi like? If they are close, it might be worth him talking to his brother so things don't get lost in translation (especially if Mum is prone to embellishments!). If he phrases it calmly, such as: "Hi Bro, this is a really awkward situation, so I'm just calling to see if we can figure out a way to handle this. Mum gave away our crib to you guys, which she said we could store at her house. She says that she asked us to remove it, but we have heard nothing about it and have no calls or emails relating to it. Obviously the crib cannot be in 2 places at once, so do you have any ideas about where we can go from here as we need it by X?"

See what happens and go from there. FBIL might say "no problem, feel free to pick it up on X".

Otherwise, have fi call his mom and say "Thank so much for your offer. We have a crib on hold at X. Here is a link to pay for it". You can register for just the crib and send her the registry link.

Angusaur · June 2014

I do appreciate her allowing us to keep the crib there, but I don't really agree with the blame. She has a gigantic basement that is just about empty. While I get it is not owed to me, that I should not expect anything or dictate how she used the space, she is the one who offered to let us keep our crib there to start with. We only asked to keep it there longer, which she said was perfectly fine. I don't see why the time matters unless I am taking up space she needs or it's inconveniencing her in any way. If that was the case, she could have called, emailed, or told us to take it one of the 5 times we have been down to visit. Besides, the agreement was until we needed it.

She gave them our crib in lieu of a shower gift, so I suspect that as the real motive. I do believe had FSIL never gotten pregnant, the crib would still be in the basement with no issues. We are not beat-around-the-bush kind of people. So yes, I have spoken with FI, FMIL, FBIL. FI himself has spoken to FMIL and FBIL. FBIL says FMIL gave it as a gift and when they questioned whether we needed it, they were told she had called numerous times for us to pick it up. FMIL says they specifically asked her to borrow it until we needed it.

When we brought up my pregnancy, FBIL did mention his son would only be 10 months and would still need the crib. This isn't really my problem but I wouldn't be so cruel as to take it away, when it's not really his fault.

ETA just a note - she did not keep our crib for 18 months. She kept it for about 7 months before giving it away to them. We moved in February and they were setting up the nursery by September.

LondonLisa · June 2014

Well, then I would just have Fi tell mum "Thanks so much for your offer to replace the crib you gave away. We registered for one at X. Here is the link to pay for it".

This is a whole big mess, and I feel like there is a side to it that isn't being communicated to you both. I find it really surprising that FBIL reacted that way. What did he say when your Fi told him that wasn't the case and that you were never asked to take it?

doeydo · June 2014

If FBIL is unwilling to give back the crib (which is really weird, IMO), I would take up MIL on her paying for a new one and expect her to. It is not OK to just give away stuff that is not yours to give. She owes you one crib.

RebeccaFlower · June 2014

doeydo said:

If FBIL is unwilling to give back the crib (which is really weird, IMO), I would take up MIL on her paying for a new one and expect her to. It is not OK to just give away stuff that is not yours to give. She owes you one crib.

He might not want to because then he'll be the one getting screwed by OPs FMIL. I think she should be FBIL a new crib, that way you can have yours back.

Take this as a lesson to never store anything at her house again.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

She sounds like a jerk. Ask your FI to take her up on her offer. She simply gave away your crib. It's not the fault of your FBIL or FSIL.

FWIW, I had my very short MIL store my bed in her big empty basement. Then she brought it upstairs and cut the legs down and slept on it. This was a family heirloom.

offensivekitten2 · June 2014

You can certainly ask her for a new crib, but if it's unlikely she'll get you a new one, I'd call it a life lesson and just never trust her with much of anything again.

Btw, there are cribs on Craigslist all the time for a steal of a price. Might want to keep an eye on your local boards for the remaining months.

Senecaf · June 2014

NYCMercedes said:
She sounds like a jerk. Ask your FI to take her up on her offer. She simply gave away your crib. It's not the fault of your FBIL or FSIL.

FWIW, I had my very short MIL store my bed in her big empty basement. Then she brought it upstairs and cut the legs down and slept on it. This was a family heirloom.

I literally gasped. No! That is terrible.

As for you OP, I would have your FI call her and take her up on her offer to replace it. I don't think it would be fair for FBIL to have to give up the crib as they had nothing to do with this fiasco.

I personally see nothing wrong with storing things at family members houses as long as they offer. My FMIL has a ton of stuff in my basement and we both agreed to it being there. It is hers and will be till she needs it or we ask her to remove it.

Angusaur · June 2014

LondonLisa said:

Well, then I would just have Fi tell mum "Thanks so much for your offer to replace the crib you gave away. We registered for one at X. Here is the link to pay for it".

This is a whole big mess, and I feel like there is a side to it that isn't being communicated to you both. I find it really surprising that FBIL reacted that way. What did he say when your Fi told him that wasn't the case and that you were never asked to take it?

He didn't act particularly surprised, because this is just how FMIL is. I hate to say that because after 7 years, I really do try to like her. She promises things to both boys then pretends like she doesn't remember saying that. She offered to pay for FBIL's rehearsal dinner, (I was there, and heard said offer) then said nothing else about it. She brushed them off every time they asked. So they plan their own rehearsal dinner. Then she casually asks me the night of, who is supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. I told her everything is up to the bride & groom unless someone offers. But traditionally, the grooms parents. She said why didn't anyone tell me?!? I would have taken care of it. I just kind of slow blinked.

After this and everything else I know, I will take whatever she offers in the future with a big grain of salt.

AddieCake · June 2014

I would definitely have your fiance call his mother and take her up on her offer.

ETA: It sounds like she may say no since she keeps claiming she tried to call you. I don't buy that. You certainly know whether or not you had an entire conversation with her about picking it up or it going in a garage sale. So be prepared to be buying a new crib yourselves.

Also, I don't blame you, either. If she said you could store something there until you needed it back, then there is no "time limit" on how long you can store it there.

Angusaur · June 2014

NYCMercedes said:

She sounds like a jerk. Ask your FI to take her up on her offer. She simply gave away your crib. It's not the fault of your FBIL or FSIL.

FWIW, I had my very short MIL store my bed in her big empty basement. Then she brought it upstairs and cut the legs down and slept on it. This was a family heirloom.

That is horrible! I would have been furious.

Angusaur · June 2014

I am going to tell FI to call her and see what she says. If FFIL knew about this it would get taken care of no questions asked. He wasn't the one who gave our crib away, but he also doesn't know about all of her shenanigans most of the time. I'm not bringing him into it though, if she doesn't replace it I will just consider it yet another lesson to jot down in the MIL book.

emmyg65 · June 2014

Ikea sells decent cribs for $100. Cut your losses and buy a new one.

emmaaa · June 2014

If the crib has sentimental value to it and you wanted to use the same one for both kids, you could buy a new one and switch out with your FBIL (or have your FMIL buy and new and switch). That is IF you really want the same one.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

emmaaa said:

If the crib has sentimental value to it and you wanted to use the same one for both kids, you could buy a new one and switch out with your FBIL (or have your FMIL buy and new and switch). That is IF you really want the same one.

Ditto this. Either way, she owes SOMEONE a new crib.

As far as the timing though... will your baby be in a bassinet for a few months before moving to the crib? It MAYBE could work out, depending on how early FBIL can move his lil one into a bed. My niece is in her big girl bed already, at 15 months. I know that's a personal thing though and a lot of kids stay in cribs til they're 4. :-p

The only "blame" I would place on you, OP, is trusting a known flake. But that's a lesson learned now and I'm sure you won't be making that mistake again.

loveislouder · June 2014

I think it's a little odd that the brother in law didn't run that by you. Like, if my mom had my sister's stuff in her basement, said it was my sister's stuff but told me to take it, I'd call my sister and be like "Mom says I can have this, is it cool?"

KatieinBkln · June 2014

Ugh, she sounds like a piece of work. I think your FI needs to call her and straight-up say, "Mom, you gave away our baby's crib. What the hell?" Let it be uncomfortable. She seems to enjoy making other people feel that way, so perhaps it's her turn.

(My coffee has not hit me yet. I may feel less cranky in a minute but this is my knee-jerk reaction)

photokitty · June 2014

Whatever you do, go get everything else you have stored at her house - pronto. You never know when one of her friends will have a birthday, cousin have a housewarming or hairdresser get pregnant. She must have confused your stuff with her gift closet...

Jen4948 · June 2014

I'd get anything else out of her house that she stores there, and I would also have your FI call her and let her know that it was not okay of her to give away someone else's property. She essentially stole from you, and you could possibly press charges against her. Make her aware of that. Then you can accept her offer of a new one-but get it in writing so you have legal backing.

Angusaur · June 2014

photokitty said:

Whatever you do, go get everything else you have stored at her house - pronto. You never know when one of her friends will have a birthday, cousin have a housewarming or hairdresser get pregnant. She must have confused your stuff with her gift closet...

Haha, true - but the only thing we kept there was the crib.

lilacck28 · June 2014

This isn't exactly helpful, because it would most certainly damage your relationship with MIL.. but all I could think when reading this was "SMALL CLAIMS COURT! JUDGE JUDY!"

PP have given good advice.

1. show your MIL the crib you want and say, "thanks for replacing the one you gave away!"

2. if that doesn't work, maybe work out a deal with BIL... but I think the better option after number one is

3. Buy another crib yourself and remove everything from MIL's house.

Angusaur · June 2014

Haha I'd love any excuse to go on Judge Judy.

Maybe I should just buy the one we want and send her an invoice

Angusaur · June 2014

@lolo883 - With our first son I had him out of the bassinet and into the crib after 3 weeks, except for when he was sick. I also really wanted to do the babys room all up and have it ready beforehand. I really doubt we could work out a timeline where we could both use it. It just sucks the way it worked out. I wouldn't have cared for them to borrow it if someone had asked me. But now since it was a "gift" to them I feel a little weird taking it back even though it's not my fault. They also live 1 hour from MIL and 3.5 hours from me so this makes the whole thing a little bit of a long distance triangle.

I think she should just buy us a new one, or don't - and continue sucking as a person

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

Yeah that sucks. But I feel like if it has sentimental value to you, she should be able to (and should have to) just buy them a new one and give you back yours. They still get "a crib" as a gift, just not your crib.

lyndausvi · June 2014

I have to say I'm really side-eyeing BIL and SIL right now. First, I also would have questioned my siblings if mom had "given" me something of their's. I get not everyone is like that. However, once is was found out that mom "gave" me something that was not hers to give I would have returned that item without question.

It's bad karma knowingly keep something that was basically stolen, even if you didn't know it was stole in the beginning.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

Angusaur said:

show previous quotes

LondonLisa said:

Well, then I would just have Fi tell mum "Thanks so much for your offer to replace the crib you gave away. We registered for one at X. Here is the link to pay for it".

This is a whole big mess, and I feel like there is a side to it that isn't being communicated to you both. I find it really surprising that FBIL reacted that way. What did he say when your Fi told him that wasn't the case and that you were never asked to take it?

He didn't act particularly surprised, because this is just how FMIL is. I hate to say that because after 7 years, I really do try to like her. She promises things to both boys then pretends like she doesn't remember saying that. She offered to pay for FBIL's rehearsal dinner, (I was there, and heard said offer) then said nothing else about it. She brushed them off every time they asked. So they plan their own rehearsal dinner. Then she casually asks me the night of, who is supposed to pay for the rehearsal dinner. I told her everything is up to the bride & groom unless someone offers. But traditionally, the grooms parents. She said why didn't anyone tell me?!? I would have taken care of it. I just kind of slow blinked.

After this and everything else I know, I will take whatever she offers in the future with a big grain of salt.

So then don't be surprised when your FI asks his mother to buy you a new crib, and she doesn't. I think you and your FI need to be prepared to be buying a new crib.

And you have learned a valuable lesson- don't store shit at your FMIL's house if you ever expect to get it back.

I'm sorry you are in this pickle, but in order to minimize causing a huge family drama I think you just need to be prepared to buy a second crib

banana468 · June 2014

Based on her character, I'd ask her to replace it. If she doesn't, day that you used the funds for her Christmas gift to but the bed.

annathy03 · June 2014

I'd have your FI try and take your mom up on buying you a new crib. She was way out of line to give away yours, not that it sounds like she gives a shit.

If that doesn't work, I'd probably craigslist a crib for BIL and SIL and swap it with them for yours. They get a functional crib, you get the one that means something to you. While this isn't their fault, it's really shitty of them to keep it knowing it wasn't your MILs to give them.

tammym1001 · June 2014

I don't have any advice for you on how to handle this, but I just wanted to share this with you:

DH's adult son hasn't lived in our house for 6 years. He has a ton of stuff there including all of his books from college, movie posters, and a bunch of other random junk. I have been trying to clean out the house and do some re-decorating. SS comes to our house about 3-4 times a week to eat dinner. Almost every time he comes over I ask him when he's going to take all his stuff to his own home. This has been going on for about a year. He hasn't taken a single thing and sometimes he brings other stuff over with him and leaves it at our house!!! I would still never, ever just give his stuff away. I think it's absurd even if your FMIL had asked you to come get it that she would just give it away.

theartistformerlyknownas · June 2014

I'm sure you know this, but be SUUUUUPER careful buying cribs off Craigslist or garage sales to make sure you don't have one that's been recalled.

NWR - So how should we bring this up?

Re: NWR - So how should we bring this up?

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