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Another Child Invite Dilemma

perdonamiperdonami member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So, recently a friend of mine was asking some questions about the wedding and asked if it was okay to bring her daughter. I explained that unfortunately it is an adult only reception. She then explains to me that her husband won't be in attendance if his daughter can't go. 

I asked if it was an issue with child care and she said that is not the issue but that her husband will not go unless his daughter can attend. As a result, they will spend a daddy/daughter day at the venue's location and she will attend alone. 

I obviously feel very bad about this since it's kind of a DW (2 hour drive for most guests and for them about 3.5). Other guests have already respected the no child policy.. but now I am feeling like I am being rude by not allowing my friend to bring their daughter since it is putting them out so much. 

Do I allow this one exception? Or am I being rude to my other guests with children? No invitation has been extended yet to the daughter as I explained I needed to discuss it first with my FMIL who is paying for the reception and my FI. 

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Re: Another Child Invite Dilemma

  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
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    Don't make an exception, like PP said. This happened to my parents 20 years ago and they still talk about how brother & I weren't invited, but cousins were because aunt pitched a fit. 
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    Don't give any excuse as to why daughter isn't invited as then she can argue with each point you might make. Simply say that the invitation was for you and hubs and if he can't make it, you'll miss him. Say you look forward to seeing him another time.
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Ditto everyone else.
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  • RebeccaFlowerRebeccaFlower member
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    LDay2014 said:
    as a parent, I find it awkward that he refuses to attend without his daughter but will send his wife alone?  He is (in a way) choosing his daughter over his wife.  I wonder how that makes her feel
    I agree. I think it's super weird. 
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  • April192002April192002 member
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    That's kind of rude of her to ask, especially with he won't come if daughter can't, but do not give in to her request because you will offend people and they will talk (some may even confront you at your wedding). You can tell her that it's not in your budget to allow all children attend. Even just those who are traveling a few hours, as many guests are.

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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
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    ^^^^^^^^^^^ What they said. 
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  • perdonamiperdonami member
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    LDay2014 said:
    as a parent, I find it awkward that he refuses to attend without his daughter but will send his wife alone?  He is (in a way) choosing his daughter over his wife.  I wonder how that makes her feel
    I thought the same thing.. I also thought it weird that he come at all instead of just staying home with his daughter. 

    So, now they will be walking about the streets of the venue's city waiting for my friend to be done with dinner? My guess she won't be staying long.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    This whole thing is ridiculous. I believe they are trying to "force" you to include their child by making you feel guilty about Dad and daughter "having" to find something to do and that the wife will probably not stay long as a result.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • perdonamiperdonami member
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    AddieCake said:
    This whole thing is ridiculous. I believe they are trying to "force" you to include their child by making you feel guilty about Dad and daughter "having" to find something to do and that the wife will probably not stay long as a result.
    Well, thats their problem and not mine. She recently asked if it would be okay to come to the ceremony with the daughter and then her husband and daughter to opt out of the reception. My gut reaction was to say no but upon careful consideration this shouldn't be rude right?

    I mean after all I did invite her husband to the reception, just not their dear daughter. If he chooses to opt out that is his choice to make. 
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  • NymeruNymeru member
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    I'd go with your gut.  You said no kids, you need to stand by it.  Do you really want the husband and kid there?  Everyone else is going to see the kid who was allowed to come and wonder why theirs was not.  Besides, why are the parents cool about the ceremony, but not the reception?  I don't understand this at all.
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2014
    perdonami said:
    AddieCake said:
    This whole thing is ridiculous. I believe they are trying to "force" you to include their child by making you feel guilty about Dad and daughter "having" to find something to do and that the wife will probably not stay long as a result.
    Well, thats their problem and not mine. She recently asked if it would be okay to come to the ceremony with the daughter and then her husband and daughter to opt out of the reception. My gut reaction was to say no but upon careful consideration this shouldn't be rude right?

    I mean after all I did invite her husband to the reception, just not their dear daughter. If he chooses to opt out that is his choice to make. 
    That is a very strange request. Why does she want her daughter to attend your ceremony so badly? It makes no sense to me. And then have the father come pick up the daughter? Just odd. If they can't figure out a babysitter, then they should not attend. Simple as that. And, who is to stop this woman from staying at the reception with her daughter? Are you prepared to have someone escort them off the premisis? 

    I remember not being invited to some events as a child. It annoyed my parents, because they had to either not go or figure out a babysitter for me and my brother. But they grumbled a little and then got over it, went to the event, and usually had a good time while continuing to respect the hosts. HOWEVER, if they saw other children at the event, where there was not an obvious reason for an exception? They would feel very angry and disrespected, and would lose a large amount of respect for the hosts. They would, for at least a time, no longer associate with them.  Do not allow this family to guilt you into inviting their child if you are not going to allow other children to be present. You will anger your friends and family for a very long time. And, frankly, you would deserve it. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I would be prepared that they may show up with the child. I wouldn't escort them out if they do, but it could definitely happen. My favorite aunt had it happen to her with her first husband's sister, who was told repeatedly that children were not invited. She showed up with her son anyway.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    AddieCake said:
    I would be prepared that they may show up with the child. I wouldn't escort them out if they do, but it could definitely happen. My favorite aunt had it happen to her with her first husband's sister, who was told repeatedly that children were not invited. She showed up with her son anyway.
    At least if this happened, you would be blameless in the situation, OP, and could tell people that the child was not invited. And then you would know not to invite such rude people to future events. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    OliveOilsMom said:
    If this dad truly can't leave his daughter home alone for one evening, him and his wife will have problems later on.  

    I know a couple whose life revolved around their daughter so much, she went on all of their anniversary dinners!  Now she is 20 and living her own life, but her parents don't know what to do with themselves!  Two years ago, they won a trip on the radio to an all inclusive in the Caribbean.  They wanted to pay the extra surcharge, so that their daughter could attend with her and her bf.  If that were me, I'd be like bye daughter have a great week!  Don't forget to feed the dogs!  But these two have lived 100% for their daughter and they don't know how to just be H&W anymore.  

    H & I have already have had discussions about how we don't ever want to be like them.  While you need to raise your kids and sometimes that means not going to things, there still need to be times when its just the two of you, so you can continue to relate to each other because someday, it will be just back to being the two of you!
    Same aunt of mine has friends like this. A couple years ago, the mom insisted she, her husband, their daughter, and their daughter's husband all go on a cruise together. Daughter didn't even want to go, but Mom made a huge fuss. Now, the daughter is  possibly moving out of state for her husband's job, and the mom is freaking out over it. My aunt told her that sometimes family members move away and that she has to let her daughter have her own life. Her response, of course, was the good old "You don't have kids, so you don't understand." Ugh. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
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    lilacck28 said:
    perdonami said:
    AddieCake said:
    This whole thing is ridiculous. I believe they are trying to "force" you to include their child by making you feel guilty about Dad and daughter "having" to find something to do and that the wife will probably not stay long as a result.
    Well, thats their problem and not mine. She recently asked if it would be okay to come to the ceremony with the daughter and then her husband and daughter to opt out of the reception. My gut reaction was to say no but upon careful consideration this shouldn't be rude right?

    I mean after all I did invite her husband to the reception, just not their dear daughter. If he chooses to opt out that is his choice to make. 
    That is a very strange request. Why does she want her daughter to attend your ceremony so badly? It makes no sense to me. And then have the father come pick up the daughter? Just odd. If they can't figure out a babysitter, then they should not attend. Simple as that. And, who is to stop this woman from staying at the reception with her daughter? Are you prepared to have someone escort them off the premisis? 

    I remember not being invited to some events as a child. It annoyed my parents, because they had to either not go or figure out a babysitter for me and my brother. But they grumbled a little and then got over it, went to the event, and usually had a good time while continuing to respect the hosts. HOWEVER, if they saw other children at the event, where there was not an obvious reason for an exception? They would feel very angry and disrespected, and would lose a large amount of respect for the hosts. They would, for at least a time, no longer associate with them.  Do not allow this family to guilt you into inviting their child if you are not going to allow other children to be present. You will anger your friends and family for a very long time. And, frankly, you would deserve it. 
    The bolded was pretty unfair of your parents.  The guest list is no one's business other then the couple/hosts.  Kids are people, not just extensions of their parents.  If a couple wants to invite some children and not others, there's nothing wrong with that.  Just like a couple can invite some friends and not others, they can invite children they are close to and not invite other children.  I never understand why people think that special rules must apply to people under a certain age.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    edited June 2014
    Just curious, how old is the daughter? If she's a breastfeeding baby, I could understand why she can't separated from the mom for an entire day. 

    When my husband and I were invited to events, and our children weren't, we either hired a babysitter, one of us stayed home with the children or we declined the invitation. As adults, we understood that we had to make choices. When I was breastfeeding, I preferred to stay home with the baby. It's so rude to try to guilt the host into including kids. Also, we didn't think it was rude or exclusionary, when some children were invited to an event and ours weren't. Maybe the host was closer to those kids or the parents were bores who think ordinary etiquette doesn't apply to them. 

    I think Addie is right. The mother figures once the child is at the ceremony, it will be pretty easy to say she's just staying a minute or two at the reception with the child and husband. The mother is used to getting her way. I'd tell her 'I won't hold it against you if you can't attend the wedding.'
                       
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Don't make an exception, not even for the ceremony.  

    When you decide not to invite children, it means some people are going to decline.  (Whether it's child care or over attachment is not the point.)  She's coming, her husband isn't.  That's that.  
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    MairePoppy said:

    Just curious, how old is the daughter? If she's a breastfeeding baby, I could understand why she can't separated from the mom for an entire day. 


    When my husband and I were invited to events, and our children weren't, we either hired a babysitter, one of us stayed home with the children or we declined the invitation. As adults, we understood that we had to make choices. When I was breastfeeding, I preferred to stay home with the baby. It's so rude to try to guilt the host into including kids. Also, we didn't think it was rude or exclusionary, when some children were invited to an event and ours weren't. Maybe the host was closer to those kids or the parents were bores who think ordinary etiquette doesn't apply to them. 

    I think Addie is right. The mother figures once the child is at the ceremony, it will be pretty easy to say she's just staying a minute or two at the reception with the child and husband. The mother is used to getting her way. I'd tell her 'I won't hold it against you if you can't attend the wedding.'
    I don't think it's a breastfeeding issue since it's the father who seems to want to stay with the girl.

    I agree with Addy, that it seems like a manipulation tactic.

    Don't give in. Especially since we always say, if you invite someone to the ceremony they must be invited to the reception.

    There is a chance they'll show up with Snowflake, anyway. That'll be on them and not you. If any guests get upset, it's not your fault. Besides, it's no other guests' business who else you invited.
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  • perdonamiperdonami member
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    edited June 2014
    My friend is actually a very sweet and kind hearted person who would never try to manipulate someone to get their way. Her husband on the other hand seems to be manipulative. In fact, I'm surprised he is letting her come solo. Unless he's trying to make some kind of statement by bringing the daughter to stand outside to protest the reception. I find it incredibly weird and a bit rude on his part to come at all with their daughter (who is 7 years old, if you were wondering). Her husband not attending my wedding because he feels weddings are family events and therefore every person in his family should be invited is one thing. But will still bring the daughter to the venue's location to wander up and down the streets is manipulative to me. Seems a bit on the crazy side too. I just have this image in my head that while everyone is eating dinner or dancing they will be standing outside with a forlorn expression on their face. Well, I will explain that her husband is still welcome to attend the ceremony and reception but unfortunately their daughter is still not invited to the wedding. Just have to figure out how to say it without being rude or come off offensive. ETA: Guess paragraphs won't be working for me today.
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  • jnissajnissa member
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    Not to pile on the husband (though it sounds like he deserves it), but it's nice that he thinks that weddings are family events and everybody should be invited. Fortunately he had a wedding where he could apply his philosophy. It's time for him to put on his big boy pants and accept that his definition of what's right for a wedding isn't the only one. That is all :) 
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