Another Child Invite Dilemma

beethery · June 2014

@perdonami just reiterate that you're sorry if he can't make it. And then when you hang up the phone, say WHAT A JACKASS, eye roll, and have a chuckle to yourself. He needs to get over his damn self.

perdonami · June 2014

beethery I explained that after I gave her situation a lot of careful consideration, that I was going to have to ask that they not bring their child to the ceremony or reception. I said it would be unfair to our other guests who have respected our no child request to make an exception for you.

@jnissa I can see where your coming from, but I think my wedding is also a family event despite children not being present. Everyone in my family is invited and since my FMIL is paying for the reception, I kept my mouth shut on all the people she wanted to invite from her family.

My friend's family is not my family and if her husband feels that weddings are family events therefore guests you should not only be invited as a couple but also as a family, then well shouldn't their parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles be included as well?

Kind of a silly example I know, but I think its just as silly that he feels his daughter should be invited and won't attend a wedding of a friend of his wife if the daughter is not invited. But, he will drive his daughter over 3 hours one way to the venue not to attend the wedding.

LDay2014 · June 2014

perdonami said:

beethery I explained that after I gave her situation a lot of careful consideration, that I was going to have to ask that they not bring their child to the ceremony or reception. I said it would be unfair to our other guests who have respected our no child request to make an exception for you.

@jnissa I can see where your coming from, but I think my wedding is also a family event despite children not being present. Everyone in my family is invited and since my FMIL is paying for the reception, I kept my mouth shut on all the people she wanted to invite from her family.

My friend's family is not my family and if her husband feels that weddings are family events therefore guests you should not only be invited as a couple but also as a family, then well shouldn't their parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles be included as well?

Kind of a silly example I know, but I think its just as silly that he feels his daughter should be invited and won't attend a wedding of a friend of his wife if the daughter is not invited. But, he will drive his daughter over 3 hours one way to the venue not to attend the wedding.

Because I want to drive my child 3 hours each way and hang out for the day for spite...seriously, I don't get people.

I'm finding a sitter and getting the hell out of dodge for the evening!

perdonami · June 2014

Bit of update:

So, my friend got back to me and will not bring their daughter to the ceremony either. When I asked why her husband is going to drive all the way out not to attend the wedding. She said because its their favorite place and that is where they got engaged. He plans to make a day of it.

So, I guess that is why he is so insistent on going but won't attend the wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

perdonami said:
Bit of update:

So, my friend got back to me and will not bring their daughter to the ceremony either. When I asked why her husband is going to drive all the way out not to attend the wedding. She said because its their favorite place and that is where they got engaged. He plans to make a day of it.

So, I guess that is why he is so insistent on going but won't attend the wedding.

That still makes no sense. He got engaged to his wife at that location, not his daughter. So why on Earth would he drive 3 hours to the location of his engagement and then not spend any time with his wife, the person he became engaged to, and rather "make a day of it" with his daughter?

This guy sounds unhinged. He sounds too attached to his daughter.

Simply Fated · June 2014

Yeah...
This story has taken a turn for the creepy.

LondonLisa · June 2014

I think this all worked out the best for you. You got to have your friend attend the wedding and don't have to deal with this creepy jerk at all. Seriously, what a weirdo.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

Is this your friend's biological daughter? I'd think it odd if I were her to have my husband so attached to my daughter.

lilacck28 · June 2014

NYCBruin said:

lilacck28 said:

perdonami said:

AddieCake said:

This whole thing is ridiculous. I believe they are trying to "force" you to include their child by making you feel guilty about Dad and daughter "having" to find something to do and that the wife will probably not stay long as a result.

Well, thats their problem and not mine. She recently asked if it would be okay to come to the ceremony with the daughter and then her husband and daughter to opt out of the reception. My gut reaction was to say no but upon careful consideration this shouldn't be rude right?

I mean after all I did invite her husband to the reception, just not their dear daughter. If he chooses to opt out that is his choice to make.

That is a very strange request. Why does she want her daughter to attend your ceremony so badly? It makes no sense to me. And then have the father come pick up the daughter? Just odd. If they can't figure out a babysitter, then they should not attend. Simple as that. And, who is to stop this woman from staying at the reception with her daughter? Are you prepared to have someone escort them off the premisis?

I remember not being invited to some events as a child. It annoyed my parents, because they had to either not go or figure out a babysitter for me and my brother. But they grumbled a little and then got over it, went to the event, and usually had a good time while continuing to respect the hosts. HOWEVER, if they saw other children at the event, where there was not an obvious reason for an exception? They would feel very angry and disrespected, and would lose a large amount of respect for the hosts. They would, for at least a time, no longer associate with them. Do not allow this family to guilt you into inviting their child if you are not going to allow other children to be present. You will anger your friends and family for a very long time. And, frankly, you would deserve it.

The bolded was pretty unfair of your parents. The guest list is no one's business other then the couple/hosts. Kids are people, not just extensions of their parents. If a couple wants to invite some children and not others, there's nothing wrong with that. Just like a couple can invite some friends and not others, they can invite children they are close to and not invite other children. I never understand why people think that special rules must apply to people under a certain age.

Being close to some children would be an obvious exception that would not upset them. When one cousin's children are invited while another's are not, yet the hosts of the event see none of the families in question more than the other (and this would be known to both families with children as they are close siblings), the unfairness is clear.

lilacck28 · June 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Is this your friend's biological daughter? I'd think it odd if I were her to have my husband so attached to my daughter.

STUCK IN BOX

And it would be any LESS weird if she was not his biological daughter??? You're implying that he is unhealthily attached (perhaps in a sexual way) to his daughter (biological or not) with that statement.

I think the husband has clearly been rude, but I think it's a bit out of left field to imply what you have. Forgive me if I have read too much into what you wrote, though I believe your implication was clear. I know someone who was repeatedly raped by her father. Incest and rape is not something to talk about lightly, or make clearly unsubstantiated suggestions of, as those that it DOES happen to are often ignored because of things like that.

I know that was not your intent, and I very often appreciate what you write and agree with you, but I just don't think this particular comment was helpful or sensitive.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

NYCBruin said:

lilacck28 said:

perdonami said:

AddieCake said:

This whole thing is ridiculous. I believe they are trying to "force" you to include their child by making you feel guilty about Dad and daughter "having" to find something to do and that the wife will probably not stay long as a result.

Well, thats their problem and not mine. She recently asked if it would be okay to come to the ceremony with the daughter and then her husband and daughter to opt out of the reception. My gut reaction was to say no but upon careful consideration this shouldn't be rude right?

I mean after all I did invite her husband to the reception, just not their dear daughter. If he chooses to opt out that is his choice to make.

That is a very strange request. Why does she want her daughter to attend your ceremony so badly? It makes no sense to me. And then have the father come pick up the daughter? Just odd. If they can't figure out a babysitter, then they should not attend. Simple as that. And, who is to stop this woman from staying at the reception with her daughter? Are you prepared to have someone escort them off the premisis?

I remember not being invited to some events as a child. It annoyed my parents, because they had to either not go or figure out a babysitter for me and my brother. But they grumbled a little and then got over it, went to the event, and usually had a good time while continuing to respect the hosts. HOWEVER, if they saw other children at the event, where there was not an obvious reason for an exception? They would feel very angry and disrespected, and would lose a large amount of respect for the hosts. They would, for at least a time, no longer associate with them. Do not allow this family to guilt you into inviting their child if you are not going to allow other children to be present. You will anger your friends and family for a very long time. And, frankly, you would deserve it.

The bolded was pretty unfair of your parents. The guest list is no one's business other then the couple/hosts. Kids are people, not just extensions of their parents. If a couple wants to invite some children and not others, there's nothing wrong with that. Just like a couple can invite some friends and not others, they can invite children they are close to and not invite other children. I never understand why people think that special rules must apply to people under a certain age.

Being close to some children would be an obvious exception that would not upset them. When one cousin's children are invited while another's are not, yet the hosts of the event see none of the families in question more than the other (and this would be known to both families with
children as they are close siblings), the unfairness is clear.

There are a lot of assumptions being made and there could be many reasons why one set of children weren't invited. . .such as they act much more poorly in public than the other set, for instance.

No one can know for sure what lead the couple to invite whom they invited without actually asking them, and frankly a couple's wedding guest list is really none of anyone's business.

However, this example illustrates why inviting in circles is the safest choice.

AddieCake · June 2014

I'm glad she didn't push, but I agree it's very weird to be in the location you got engaged and choose to spend the time with your daughter instead of with your wife. You know, to whom you got engaged and later married. And I still say he is still trying to wrangle an invitation for the daughter by doing this, thinking you will eventually say, "Oh, it's silly to go be elsewhere. She's just one child. She can come."

lilacck28 · June 2014

yes, I understand that some variables are often hard to account for but I also very strongly agree with the "inviting in circles" principle, especially when it comes to children and family.

As to that time my parent's were very peeved by the hosts of an event they attended---my brother and I were very well behaved. Abnormally so. We got shy in public, and stuck together without making a peep. The incident I referred to was a result of pushy parents who were rude. My parents were also annoyed with them, though they were, perhaps unfairly but nonetheless, more annoyed with the hosts for not standing their ground and allowing exceptions for some children when they went to the trouble and expense of hiring a baby sitter. Side note-- I have an aunt with children who are DEVILS. And I love children. But I would never dream of inviting another aunt's children to an event but not hers. That's a recipe for hurt feelings.

NYCBruin · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

NYCBruin said:

lilacck28 said:

perdonami said:

AddieCake said:

This whole thing is ridiculous. I believe they are trying to "force" you to include their child by making you feel guilty about Dad and daughter "having" to find something to do and that the wife will probably not stay long as a result.

Well, thats their problem and not mine. She recently asked if it would be okay to come to the ceremony with the daughter and then her husband and daughter to opt out of the reception. My gut reaction was to say no but upon careful consideration this shouldn't be rude right?

I mean after all I did invite her husband to the reception, just not their dear daughter. If he chooses to opt out that is his choice to make.

That is a very strange request. Why does she want her daughter to attend your ceremony so badly? It makes no sense to me. And then have the father come pick up the daughter? Just odd. If they can't figure out a babysitter, then they should not attend. Simple as that. And, who is to stop this woman from staying at the reception with her daughter? Are you prepared to have someone escort them off the premisis?

I remember not being invited to some events as a child. It annoyed my parents, because they had to either not go or figure out a babysitter for me and my brother. But they grumbled a little and then got over it, went to the event, and usually had a good time while continuing to respect the hosts. HOWEVER, if they saw other children at the event, where there was not an obvious reason for an exception? They would feel very angry and disrespected, and would lose a large amount of respect for the hosts. They would, for at least a time, no longer associate with them. Do not allow this family to guilt you into inviting their child if you are not going to allow other children to be present. You will anger your friends and family for a very long time. And, frankly, you would deserve it.

The bolded was pretty unfair of your parents. The guest list is no one's business other then the couple/hosts. Kids are people, not just extensions of their parents. If a couple wants to invite some children and not others, there's nothing wrong with that. Just like a couple can invite some friends and not others, they can invite children they are close to and not invite other children. I never understand why people think that special rules must apply to people under a certain age.

Being close to some children would be an obvious exception that would not upset them. When one cousin's children are invited while another's are not, yet the hosts of the event see none of the families in question more than the other (and this would be known to both families with children as they are close siblings), the unfairness is clear.

You have no right to an explanation as to why particular people were invited or not. There's nothing unfair about a host choosing to invite certain children and not others. Just because someone else's snowflakes were invited doesn't mean yours have to be (even if you think that you have the same level of "closeness", which by the way you have no way of actually knowing).

lilacck28 · June 2014

whatever. no point on discussing much further. My story was an example of how, though you have every right to invite whomever you choose, you should think carefully about those decisions, and know that you may very well cause hurt feelings and strain a relationship if you choose to make exceptions for some but not others. The end. Whether or not you approve of my parents actually liking their children and not enjoying being slighted does not matter to me.

I don't want to argue. Ultimately, I agree with you, they can certainly invite anyone they choose.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Is this your friend's biological daughter? I'd think it odd if I were her to have my husband so attached to my daughter.

STUCK IN BOX

And it would be any LESS weird if she was not his biological daughter??? You're implying that he is unhealthily attached (perhaps in a sexual way) to his daughter (biological or not) with that statement.

I think the husband has clearly been rude, but I think it's a bit out of left field to imply what you have. Forgive me if I have read too much into what you wrote, though I believe your implication was clear. I know someone who was repeatedly raped by her father. Incest and rape is not something to talk about lightly, or make clearly unsubstantiated suggestions of, as those that it DOES happen to are often ignored because of things like that.

I know that was not your intent, and I very often appreciate what you write and agree with you, but I just don't think this particular comment was helpful or sensitive.

No, I'm just implying that he is unhealthily attached to his daughter.

And I'm not clear on whether or not this is also the biological daughter of the woman whom he is married to.

But no matter if the child is or is not her bio- daughter, I still find it weird and dysfunctional that her husband is so attached to his daughter that he would choose to "make a day" of coming into the area where he got engaged to his WIFE and then choose to spend that day with his daughter instead.

I never said anything about a sexual nature. I find his apparent attachment to his daughter weird at face value as described by the OP and his unwillingness to attend an event with his wife.

lilacck28 · June 2014

Yeah, @prettygirllost , I'm sorry. I was perhaps overly sensitive myself. I tend to get particular about implications as a result of vague language.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

yes, I understand that some variables are often hard to account for but I also very strongly agree with the "inviting in circles" principle, especially when it comes to children and family.

As to that time my parent's were very peeved by the hosts of an event they attended---my brother and I were very well behaved. Abnormally so. We got shy in public, and stuck together without making a peep. The incident I referred to was a result of pushy parents who were rude. My parents were also annoyed with them, though they were, perhaps unfairly but nonetheless, more annoyed with the hosts for not standing their ground and allowing exceptions for some children when they went to the trouble and expense of hiring a baby sitter. Side note-- I have an aunt with children who are DEVILS. And I love children. But I would never dream of inviting another aunt's children to an event but not hers. That's a recipe for hurt feelings.

Exactly. That's why I said inviting guests in circles is usually the safest option, as your story illustrates really well. It also illustrates why we tend to tell Brides to stand their ground and not give into pushy guests.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

Yeah, @prettygirllost , I'm sorry. I was perhaps overly sensitive myself. I tend to get particular about implications as a result of vague language.

It's ok, no problem. If I was actually implying that I thought he was being sexually inappropriate, I would have said as much.

lilacck28 · June 2014

as for him making a day of it with the daughter... I guess I don't find it that weird? My parents love showing me places they met, or places they grew up, or went to school or where they got engaged, in general just places that were/ are important to them, and I as both a kid and an adult always got a kick out of that.

If the place is a favorite of the couple, it makes sense to me that if the couple does not want to get a babysitter, the wife would go to the wedding (as it sounds like she's the main friend), the husband and daughter would hang out for the day, and the next day or two they would spend together as a family in the favorite place. But, I also think this husband has seemed to be trying to initially manipulate the OP into inviting the daughter, which was rude and uncalled for.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

as for him making a day of it with the daughter... I guess I don't find it that weird? My parents love showing me places they met, or places they grew up, or went to school or where they got engaged, in general just places that were/ are important to them, and I as both a kid and an adult always got a kick out of that.

If the place is a favorite of the couple, it makes sense to me that if the couple does not want to get a babysitter, the wife would go to the wedding (as it sounds like she's the main friend), the husband and daughter would hang out for the day, and the next day or two they would spend together as a family in the favorite place. But, I also think this husband has seemed to be trying to initially manipulate the OP into inviting the daughter, which was rude and uncalled for.

^This.

southernbelle0915 · June 2014

perdonami said:

Bit of update:

So, my friend got back to me and will not bring their daughter to the ceremony either. When I asked why her husband is going to drive all the way out not to attend the wedding. She said because its their favorite place and that is where they got engaged. He plans to make a day of it.

So, I guess that is why he is so insistent on going but won't attend the wedding.

Ok it went from annoying and pushy to creepy.

He wants to make a day out of spending time in the place where he got engaged to his wife... that's adorable! Oh wait, he wants to do this ONLY with his daughter, while his wife attends a wedding alone. WTeverlovingF?

Does anyone remember a couple of years ago that post where a family insisted that their 8 year old daughter be allowed to bring a date to the wedding - and they had a date all picked out for her?

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

perdonami said:

Bit of update:

So, my friend got back to me and will not bring their daughter to the ceremony either. When I asked why her husband is going to drive all the way out not to attend the wedding. She said because its their favorite place and that is where they got engaged. He plans to make a day of it.

So, I guess that is why he is so insistent on going but won't attend the wedding.

Ok it went from annoying and pushy to creepy.

He wants to make a day out of spending time in the place where he got engaged to his wife... that's adorable! Oh wait, he wants to do this ONLY with his daughter, while his wife attends a wedding alone. WTeverlovingF?

Does anyone remember a couple of years ago that post where a family insisted that their 8 year old daughter be allowed to bring a date to the wedding - and they had a date all picked out for her?

OK, so it's not just me who things this guy is bizarre!!!

lilacck28 · June 2014

It could be bizarre, but I don't know the guy, so all I'm picturing is him going to lunch with his daughter, maybe going shopping or to a museum or a park or something, and pointing out "look, that's where I asked mommy to marry me" which is not weird to me at all.

I also think it's often easier to travel with your family, so maybe the wife doesn't want to travel by herself even if the husband won't be coming to the wedding.

But, again, I don't know this guy. So he could totally also be a creeper.

climbingsingle · June 2014

I know I've said this before. But I really don't understand parents that insist on bringing their kids to adults-only events. My parents were invited to a lot of weddings that my brother and I were not invited to. And they never once turned down the invite. Shit, they were happy to hire a babysitter and leave us at home to enjoy a fun night out.

Kids are just not invited to every single thing. I don't understand being angry about that.

At my first wedding, my ex-husband's cousin didn't attend because we didn't invite her daughter. No kids were invited. My best friend had a 1 month old she left at home. My cousin had a 6 month old. She was the only person to first demand to bring her kid and then refused to come because we wouldn't accommodate her 7 year old. I'm still baffled by that.

And I totally find what this husband is doing to be weird. I mean, it ends up working out for you. Your friend is attending without her controlling husband. But still.

NYCBruin · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

It could be bizarre, but I don't know the guy, so all I'm picturing is him going to lunch with his daughter, maybe going shopping or to a museum or a park or something, and pointing out "look, that's where I asked mommy to marry me" which is not weird to me at all.

I think the weird part is the "let's drive three hours in both directions" to do this while mom is at a wedding by herself.

lilacck28 · June 2014

NYCBruin said:

lilacck28 said:

It could be bizarre, but I don't know the guy, so all I'm picturing is him going to lunch with his daughter, maybe going shopping or to a museum or a park or something, and pointing out "look, that's where I asked mommy to marry me" which is not weird to me at all.

I think the weird part is the "let's drive three hours in both directions" to do this while mom is at a wedding by herself.

I would prefer to have my Fiance with me in the car for a three hour drive too. He could be accommodating the wife's request for a travel companion and making the best of it by spending the day with the daughter. A more obvious solution of course would have been childcare and them both attending the wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

NYCBruin said:

lilacck28 said:

It could be bizarre, but I don't know the guy, so all I'm picturing is him going to lunch with his daughter, maybe going shopping or to a museum or a park or something, and pointing out "look, that's where I asked mommy to marry me" which is not weird to me at all.

I think the weird part is the "let's drive three hours in both directions" to do this while mom is at a wedding by herself.

The weird part is his excuse for NOT attending the wedding- "This area has special significance to us because we got engaged here, so we are going to make a day of it. . . but we isn't me and my wife, the woman I got engaged to and whom shares the significance of the area with me. We is my daughter and I. I won't actually be spending any time with my wife."

><

That makes no sense to me because I presume the daughter was not actually present or involved in their engagement, and so the area has no significance to her.

As PP's have said, the husband seems to be making a passive aggressive attempt to manipulate OP into inviting the child to the wedding. And barring that, he seems to be overly attached to the child. . . in that annoying, "My child must be included in everything I do and attend everything I attend" ways. But screw my wife, she can fend for herself, i don't need to spend tiome with her!

perdonami · June 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Is this your friend's biological daughter? I'd think it odd if I were her to have my husband so attached to my daughter.

Yes, it is there biological daughter and she was pregnant before they got married fairly young.

As ridiculous as this situation is, I think the husband is just protesting and making it clear to me and his wife that he thinks I am being rude for not allowing them to bring their kids to my wedding. Not sure if this is the issue, but his cultural background may be the barrier that is preventing him from comfortably attending the wedding without his daughter. Since he is very traditional and therefore very family orientated, he is probably upset their family getaway to their favorite city of all time was ruined by my no child request. I am thinking my wedding was just an excuse to get out of the house and have a family outing.

Not sure, just speculation.

lilacck28 · June 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

NYCBruin said:

lilacck28 said:

It could be bizarre, but I don't know the guy, so all I'm picturing is him going to lunch with his daughter, maybe going shopping or to a museum or a park or something, and pointing out "look, that's where I asked mommy to marry me" which is not weird to me at all.

I think the weird part is the "let's drive three hours in both directions" to do this while mom is at a wedding by herself.

The weird part is his excuse for NOT attending the wedding- "This area has special significance to us because we got engaged here, so we are going to make a day of it. . . but we isn't me and my wife, the woman I got engaged to and whom shares the significance of the area with me. We is my daughter and I. I won't actually be spending any time with my wife."

><

That makes no sense to me because I presume the daughter was not actually present or involved in their engagement, and so the area has no significance to her.

As PP's have said, the husband seems to be making a passive aggressive attempt to manipulate OP into inviting the child to the wedding. And barring that, he seems to be overly attached to the child. . . in that annoying, "My child must be included in everything I do and attend everything I attend" ways. But screw my wife, she can fend for herself, i don't need to spend tiome with her!

If that's actually the case then, yeah, it's weird. But so far the OP has gotten the information from the wife only.

I've been trying the situation into my own perspective. Say, I get invited to an event I want to attend because I like my friend, and I like the area the event is in but it is far away. My husband and I can't find a babysitter or for some reason don't want to hire one (perhaps the daughter is going through something at the moment.) I want to go, but don't really want to travel by myself. My husband is peeved that I want to go so badly but the daughter not being able to attend makes the situation more complicated, so the husband (I can't stick with the analogy here. My FHusband would NOT be this rude) tries to guilt the hosts into allowing the child to come. When the hosts stand firm, the couple decides they'll still all go so the wife has the travel companion, but the wife will attend the wedding alone while the husband stays with the daughter. And if they're lucky, the next day they can spend time as a family.

The "oh, its a special place to us" sound like an excuse that the wife has made up to explain why they want the daughter there BESIDES the fact that it would simply be more convenient. It also sounds like the wife is relaying all the information for the husband, which says to me that she is at the very least complicit in the manipulation.

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